RIP Gilbert Gottfried February 28, 1955 – April 12, 2022

Mr. Bufo laid down on the ground, staring blankly into the sky. Physically, he should have been dead. But in his mind, he was alive and in absolute agony.

It's been so long. How many years, how many decades have come and gone since then? No, it's been more than that. It's been centuries. I know this much, an immense amount of time has passed. How long will it take? When will my heart finally stop? This waiting is unbearable! Hurry, hurry! Hurry, hurry, hurry, hurry, hurry, hurry, hurry, hurry, hurry, hurry, hurry, hurry! HURRY UP AND KILL ME!

"Looks like I'll be out of commission for a while," said Johan as he laid in his bed. "Again. What I wouldn't give to have Josuke Higashikata right now."

"Who's Josuke?" asked Ivy.

"He's a cousin of mine, technically. His Stand, Crazy Diamond, can heal any wound except his own."

"Well, I'm no Stand user," said Maddie as she handed him a bottle. "But I have a potion that can repair your organs." Johan took the bottle and guzzled it all down. "You shouldn't have done that. You were supposed to swallow it only a little so your body can to get used to the healing process."

"Wait, is this going to poison me if I drink it all down at once?"

"No. But now the process is going to be painful. Regrowing organs is a nasty work."

Johan felt uneasy. Then he tried to say something to take his mind off of it. "Well, have any of you figured out how we're going to keep BOC's former customers from wanting their revenge on us for destroying their precious blue pearls and are killing the guys who made them?"

"So far, we haven't," admitted Felicia. "We need some sort of a gimmick. Something that attracts other people's attention, knowing that BOC kind of stinks when it comes to advertising their product."

"I thought we were going to go after Samandarin first," pointed out Leatherleaf. "If we don't put a stop to him, he is going to start everything all over again."

Johan put his hands together and closed his eyes, deep in thought. Then he felt it. An idea. No, wait. That was the painful feeling of his organs being repaired thanks to Maddie's potion. He fell out of the bed and let out a scream as he curled into a fetal position. Hopediah sighed. "Alright, I can't watch this." He took a breath, felt the Ripples flow into his hands and pressed his fingers into Johan's stomach.

In an instant, he felt better. He looked down at his stomach and patted himself. He looked up at Hopediah in amazement. "Wow. Why didn't you tell me you were a Ripples user? I mean, I heard stories about it back home, but I never actually saw it myself."

"Eh. You didn't ask."

"Well, as I was saying," Johan said as he got up only to feel a slight dizzy spell. "Whoo. That Ripple effect is intense. I need a second." He paused before saying, "Why don't we invent something BOC's customers have never seen before? Something from Earth?"

"You want to make something from your world?" questioned Felicia. "What?"

Johan paused and closed his eyes in thought. Then he had it. "Absinthe."

"What?"

"It's a distilled spirit made from anise, fennel and wormwood. It's quite popular with bohemians and artists."

"Oh great, so a beverage for weirdos?"

"It's actually quite popular in some places in my world. I once did a school report on it. Here's how it's made. First, the herbs are macerated in a high-proof neutral spirit like ethanol for twelve to twenty-four hours. Then the mixture is distilled, which is a boiling evaporation process that separates the alcohol from the plant oils from water and plant mush. The result is a clear, colorless liquid that's at least forty-five to seventy-five percent alcohol. A final infusion of herbs deepens the flavor and provides the emerald green hue which absinthe would become famous for, hence its nickname, the Green Fairy. Then, you dilute it using sugar cubes dissolved with ice cold water to give it a sweeter flavor."

"Are you sure this is going to work?" asked Hopediah skeptically.

"Sure. I've seen some of the ingredients needed at the Grub and Go store. There is one problem though. None of us are mixologists and none of us have a license to sell alcoholic beverages. I mean, I was planning on giving the recipe to Stumpy to help him spruce up that dream killer of a restaurant of his, but I don't know now."

"I don't think that's necessary," said Felicia. "Stumpy knows how to make beverages and he has a license."

"Even if it is expired," muttered Leatherleaf.

"But you do have a point, sheriff," said Johan. "We don't have a way of keeping an eye on Samandarin giving the fact that he almost never leaves that wagon of his. I only wish we had surveillance technology here in Wartwood, we'd know where he is."

"Surveillance technology?" asked Felicia. "What's that?" Johan started explaining about hidden microphones and recording equipment like the ones on his phone. This seemed to fascinate everyone and asked to touch his "magic box". "Don't touch it."

"Well, I might know a spell or two," said Maddie. "But I'm grounded for getting involved in the whole BOC thing."

"I'm sorry for that," Ram Bamboo said. "Is there anything we can do?"

"Nothing except make the recipe for an all-seeing eye spell. It's all in here." She handed Ram Bamboo a piece of paper.

Ram Bamboo looked at the spell. "Well, a few of these things we can buy at the store, but a few of these things are a little difficult to get."

"Like what?" asked Johan as he looked at the list. "What's a zapapede and why do we need its eyes? And what's a..." He reread it. "...carnivorous tomato plant? Do...do you have any normal fruit in this world? I mean, I tried to take a bite out of an apple at the tea shoppe the other day and..."

Something red burst out of the apple and latched itself onto Johan's face. He screamed and had DARE punch it until it was dead.

"It turned out it was an egg. I cannot trust anything in this world."

"Do you want to catch Mr. Samandarin?" asked Maddie. "Then shut up and don't doubt the magic expert. Well, level 1 magic expert."

Johan face palmed. "Oh, Dio." He realized what he just said. "I mean, oh, God. Gotta remember to say it English."

"Dio? Isn't that the name of your grandfather?"

"Not important, Hopediah!" Johan looked down at the list. "So, where do we begin? Zapapedes. I wonder what those are like."

The zapapedes were creatures that resembled centipedes, only they were size of a large dog and electricity surged through their bodies. They were located in a nest near the cliff of the Misty Mountains. Just looking at them made Johan feel trepidation and hesitation. "I'm actually starting to have second thoughts about this."

"Just reach out and grab them with this." Hopediah handed him a stick.

"Well, I guess all I need is an appropriate soundtrack." He took out his phone, searched his playlist and found Electric Avenue by Eddie Grant. "Perfect." He leaned over to try to pick one of the zapapedes. Then he realized, "Wait, what am I doing? I'm a Stand user!" He summoned DARE to pick up a few of the zapapedes and place them in a nonconductive sack. "Huh. That was actually pretty easy."

Spoke too soon, JoJo.

All at once, the zapapedes in the nest jumped out and began to zap him and the others. One of them landed on Johan's back and he let out a scream as it shocked him. In all honesty, it felt like getting zapped by a taser or a cattle prod. He threw it off him and pounded his fist into a nearby tree with anger. "Fanculo! Che schifo!"

"AAAH! THEY'RE IN MY HAIR!" screamed Felicia as more zapapedes landed on her head. They shocked her all at once and she let out a scream of pain.

Leatherleaf tried to use Good Bad Ugly, but one zapapede landed on his gun and gave him quite the shock.

"Sucks doody!" screamed Ram Bamboo. "ENOUGH OF THIS!" She summoned Green Onions which sent out a gas that knocked the zapapedes out. "Why didn't we think of this in the first place, guys?" She was met with silence. "Guys?" Everyone around her was sawing logs. "Ugh. Lightweights."

"Okay, next ingredient is a hellspawn pepper." This one wasn't so hard to find as they found one near the edge of the forest, grown on a bush.

"Careful, JoJo," warned Ram Bamboo. "These peppers are so spicy, even one whiff could destroy your sense of smell."

"I think you're exaggerating," Johan said as he plucked one off the bush. Unfortunately, he squeezed it too hard and its juices landed on his face. "Ah, le mie narici! È nelle mie narici!" He fell to the ground, writhing in pain. Quickly, Ram Bamboo ran up to him and poured a soothing elixir down his nostrils.

"No. This is where I draw the line." The last ingredient Maddie needed that wasn't store bought was the gizzard stone from a bearded dragon. The only problem was that this particular species of bearded dragon was the size of a bear. Hey, it is Amphibia after all. And Johan was NOT looking forward to getting it.

"Just do what you do best," whispered Leatherleaf to him. "Go up to him and use your Stand to make a clean kill."

"But how am I supposed to... Oh, cazzo, mi limiterò a farlo." Johan stepped out from his hiding spot and slowly walked toward the lizard, rousing it from its sleep. It narrowed its eyes and let out a low rumble. Johan gulped and looked back to his froggy friends who made a "Go on!" gesture. Johan sighed and said to the lizard, "Hi, how are you doing?" The lizard got on all fours and slowly advanced toward him. "Who's a good lizard?"

"Hissssshhhhhh..."

"Yes, you are. So, you're going to let me reach down your stomach and... OW!" The lizard swallowed his hand whole. "Right. What was I thinking?" He summoned DARE who punched the lizard into submission and then death.

"That was impressive," said Felicia as she and the other frogs came out of hiding.

"That was only the easy part," said Johan as he pulled out his knife. "This is the hard part." He was about to press the knife into the lizard's gut only to hesitate.

"I saw you kill Mr. Bufo no problem but you don't want to gut open a bearded dragon?" asked Ram Bamboo.

"I had a bad experience at a butcher shop when I was little!"

"Aw, how cute! A bunny!"

CHOP!

"Guh..."

"I don't recall what happened after that, but my dad told me I was frozen on the spot. Honestly, I'm surprised I didn't decide to become a vegan then and there."

"Uh...the gizzard stone?" asked Felicia.

"Right, right." Taking a deep breath, Johan plunged the knife deep into the dead lizard's stomach and cut it open, spilling its contents out. He turned his head back to vomit and gag a little before he stuck his hand into the mess. "Is this what Maddie was looking for?" He held up a large red stone.

"That's it."

JoJo presented the ingredients that required getting his hands dirty to obtain them to Maddie. Felicia bought the ones that were easy to require at the store. "This should work, right?" he asked Maddie.

"...Maybe."

Johan's eyebrows raised. "You had me go through all that just for a maybe?!"

"I thought it would be fun."

"Ugh..."

"There is one problem though. Without a bit of Mr. Samandarin's essence, I can't immediately pinpoint his location. This could take hours."

Johan face palmed. "Hours?! He could have his whole operation rebuilt by then!"

"It's better than nothing!"

Johan sighed. "You're right. It's better than nothing."

"So, what are you going to do while we wait?" asked Leatherleaf.

Johan looked at a newspaper. "Well, see if I can find any odd jobs, maybe I can make more money to give to Stumpy and improve his restaurant."

"What about the money you make at the tea shoppe?" asked Felicia.

"Sorry, but I kind of feel bad taking money out of your accounts."

"I don't mind. It's for a good cause."

"Sorry, but the answer is no. Besides, what I'm about to do may be a little messy."

Johan met with the newt who sent the ad in the newspaper. "I'm glad to meet you. Though, I must say, you're looking a little too young for my line of work."

"My father worked for a certain organization when he was fifteen." At least Johan wasn't being gawked at for being a mammal.

"Ah. I see. Then you should have no problem with what I'm offering. I want to sell real estate in certain areas of Frog Valley but no one is buying because property value is too high. Damn toads and their inflations."

"What do you want me to do about it?" asked Johan. Back on Earth, the Mafia, especially Passione, might not exactly control real estate, but mobsters do like to invest in property. And when there's easy money to be made in real estate, it's even easier to find a Mafia connection with a scam.

"My cousin Trevor runs a sceptic company. The two of you can drive on his snail around to..." The newt gave Johan a map. "...these neighborhoods and give their houses a good paint job if you catch my drift."

Johan tilted his head a little. "You seriously expect people to buy houses covered in waste?"

"It's really not that easy to buy cheap houses these days. Unless you're in Wartwood of course."

Trevor, a fat yellow frog wearing baggy clothes, pulled up in front of the tea shoppe on a snail pulling a large metal tank that gave off the familiar odor of a filthy bathroom. "My cousin told me that a JoJo would be here?" he called out.

"Ciao," called out Johan.

"Huh. Calvin was right. You are a weirdo."

"Is that any way to greet your employees?" Johan asked, folding his arms.

"I'm just saying like it is, sir. Anyway, our first stop is at Lily Paddington. A rival realtor has exclusive rights to homes there. Let's pay their construction sites a visit..."

Johan smirked. "I like where this is going."

Ivy shook her head as she and Felicia watched the snail drive off. "You're actually okay with this?"

Felicia sighed. "Not really."

"I think it's fun! Spraying poop on houses for money? Why don't we do something that exciting?"

"Ivy, go do your chores."

"Aw..."

Johan attached a hose to the tank and when the snail drove up to one of the houses, he turned it on at full pressure and began spraying the houses. "I wonder how much they're willing to pay for that property now?"

"Probably for free, Trevor," Johan said with a laugh. "I can't remember the last time I had this much fun!"

"Hey, let's say we give the construction crew a little mud. And I ain't talking about coffee!"

"Roger." Johan sprayed the construction equipment with the hose, inciting the anger of the crew, who charged at the wagon with power tools. "Yep. Saw this coming. Make a hard right, Trev!" The wagon spun around and Johan turned the nozzle on and sprayed the workers, sending them flying onto their backs.

"I hope those construction workers have a sense of humor."

"So, what's next on our list?"

"That fancy mansion over there is having a pool party. Let's give them a little more action."

"I like where you're going."

The duo pulled up in front of a fancy toad mansion and Johan sprayed the hose at the partygoers, causing them to scream and run. "I am having so much fun!"

"You ask me, this place looks crappy already," said Trevor as they pulled up to a suburban trailer park. "But if Calvin wants the house prices to go down, we'll do it."

"By the time we're done with this place, Wartwood would look better by comparison," said Johan as he turned on the nozzle and began spraying the trailers. A bunch of angry hillbilly frogs came out of their homes with shotguns and began firing at the wagon, but Johan sprayed them as well.

"Ah, who are you complaining about," shouted Trevor. "That paint job honestly makes it look a hell of a lot better!"

"And judging by the crap all over this place that's already here, I doubt anyone will notice."

"Now this is what I'm talking about," said Trevor as they slowly drove by a riverfront resort. "This property will be hot once Calvin gets to move in."

"I actually kind of like this place," said Johan as he prepared the hose. "If I get stuck in this world for all eternity, I may settle down here. I'm sure I can get Hopediah Plantar to move in."

"Well, that's a dream, I guess."

"Yeah. But this is real." And with that, Johan turned on the nozzle and sprayed the riverboat parked at the shore of the river. "Pretty sure we won't be seeing anyone go to the yacht club with that anymore."

"We have got to do this some more! Give me a call!"

"I will," said Johan as he left the wagon and approached the forest and toward a nearby stream, the perfect place to wash himself and his clothes off. There was no way he was going to enter the tea shoppe smelling like shit. He stripped himself of his clothes and dunked them into the water and scrubbed the gunk off with a rough looking bunch of leaves.

He was just about to dive in and clean himself off when he heard the sound of sticks crunching. He turned around and saw the silhouette of a figure ducking behind a bush. "Hello?" He summoned DARE, ready for something to pop out as he slowly approached the bush, but there was no one there. "Maybe I was just imagining it, but I thought it was... Nah." He returned to his bath, but he didn't call off his Stand, as he still couldn't shake the feeling that he was being watched.

"Where the heck have you been," shouted Ram Bamboo when Johan returned to the tea shoppe. "And why are your clothes soaked?"

"I was just..."

"Never mind! Listen! Maddie has been trying to look for you! She found Mr. Samandarin!"

"What?!"

"He's about to head toward Toad Tower to hire reinforcements!"

"How are we going to stop him?"

"I...I don't know..."

Johan sighed. He leaned against a fence post and muttered, "What to do, what to do." The sound of an accordion playing in the distance caught his attention. Then he smiled. He knew what to do and it involved a certain lazy-eyed frog.

As Mr. Samandarin's wagon traveled to Toad Tower, something jumped in its way, grinding it to a halt. He tuck its head out and asked, "Why did we stop, driver?"

"Uh, there's a vagabond in the middle of the road."

Mr. Samandarin looked ahead to see a frog with an accordion. "Uh...hi!" called out Wally. "May I brighten your day with a song?"

The salamander was unamused. "Just run over him."

"Oooooooooooohhhhhhhhh!" Wally began to sing and dance. "I never knew me granny but they said she was a plucker. Me granny thought me daddy how to be a plucker too. Now I am a plucker and me brother is another. We're the greatest crowd of pluckers anybody knew."

Mr. Samandarin and the driver looked at each other. "Sir?"

"I...have no idea."

Meanwhile, in the bushes, Johan and Leatherleaf prepared to lift a box full of boom shrooms. All they had to do was wait for the signal. "And what was the signal again, JoJo?"

"What for it..."

"She could pluck a turkey cock and she could pluck a turkey hen," continued Wally. "I bet she could even pluck a fox out of his den. The fox, he is a devil, sure he has an awful mouth. 'Go on now you good thing!' you often hear him shout."

"NOW!" With a great heave, Johan and the sheriff threw the box at the wagon and there was a loud explosion. There was nothing left but a smoldering ruin and a shattered snail shell.

"Aw, I think they were starting to like it," said Wally sadly. "Where did you come up with it, anyway, JoJo?"

"It's a folk song from my world."

"Did your granny really pluck birds for a livin'?"

"No. Come to think of it, I know nothing about my grandmother, other than she didn't want anything to do with my dad. But that's another story."

"So, is it over?" asked Felicia as she inspected the wreckage.

"Well, let's see," said Johan. "We killed the dealers, stole their products, and their leader is dead. I'd say Blue Oyster Cult is over." He looked over to the horizon. "There's still the aftereffect of this whole debacle though. We have to get back to Wartwood and plan on what to do next."

"Mm-hmm," said Leatherleaf with a nod.

They were just about to leave when Wally heard a noise. He slowly turned around and saw... "Uh, guys? Are skeletons supposed to come alive?"

"What?"

Johan and the others turned to see... Well, exactly what Wally described. A skeleton of a salamander slowly rising up from the fiery wreck. "Oh, you've gotta be kidding me," shouted Leatherleaf.

"He's a Stand user," said Johan. "I'm not surprised really." The skeleton broke away to reveal Mr. Samandarin alive and well. "Armor?"

"Bad To The Bone," said the salamander as he slowly walked toward them. "Allows me to turn every part of my body into bone. I admit, bone is vulnerable to fire, yes. So I had to make layers over layers of it to defend myself. And defense is not all it can do..." Mr. Samandarin held up his hand and the tips of his fingers sprouted out the bones. "Bone Bullets." He flung them at the group, who all ducked just in time.

"Is that the best you can... Huh?" Johan looked behind him and saw that the trees that the bones hit started to crumble to dust. "They... They're drying up!"

Mr. Samandarin smirked as he pointed a finger gun right at him. "Bang, bang, bang." A stream of bones fired out from the tip of his index finger, forcing JoJo to take cover from behind a log, but it didn't last long as the log began to dry up and crumble.

"I can't keep running forever!"

Suddenly he felt one of them hit him in the left arm and he found it hard to move it. He felt it and was surprised to feel hardness in it. Another bullet hit him in the leg and he let out a scream of agony as he fell down. Mr. Samandarin said, "My Stand turns anyone that comes in contact with it into bone. Soft tissues, muscles, organs... It all becomes bone."

Johan heard of a disease with similar symptoms back in the real world. It was called Stoneman Syndrome, a rare and debilitating condition. And this salamander's Stand had the ability to weaponize it. And he knew DARE wouldn't do any good now since he couldn't see the Stand. Before Mr. Samandarin could shoot him in the chest, a pair of vines grabbed Johan and pulled him away. Mr. Samandarin turned to see Felcicia and Leatherleaf standing in front of the boy in a protective stance.

"Guys, run," he groaned. "I can't tell where his Stand is, or even it even has a physical form!"

"Man you're stupid," said Leatherleaf. "Where do you think bones are?" Johan thought it over and his eyes widened in realization. "Yep. It's in his body. Clever. That makes taking out his Stand so we can kill him all the more difficult." Good Bad Ugly appeared and hopped into his gun. "Luckily for me, my Stand can find chinks in even the toughest armor to find any weak spot."

"Is that so? Well, I suppose I'll have to get up close..." Mr. Samandarin reached behind him and pulled out some long white thing.

"Where did that spear come from?" asked Johan.

Felicia gasped. "Th-That's not a spear! He pulled out his spinal cord!"

Johan's look of shock matched hers. "His spine?!"

"Now..." Mr. Samandarin's skin turned white as it turned into bone and he charged right at them.

To be continued...

Stand: Bad To The Bone

User: Samandarin

Power: A

Speed: A

Range: B

Durability: C

Precision: A

Potential: C

Ability: Turns the bones of its user into weapons and armor. Anything the bones pierce immediately becomes like bone, almost like the disease Stoneman Syndrome. Anything non-living crumbles up and falls apart into bone dust.