Chapter 19 – Jealousy

They couldn't use one of the many fireplaces in the office because of the risk to have their address been traced by the floonetwork so they took the bus. Both silent and tense. Harry was upset by jealousy and ready for the oncoming row he knew was about to start as soon as they were going to be back home.

And as predicted, once he opened the door, Ginny was already on the warpath on the second step inside.

'You have been rude'

'I don't want you to talk to him'

'Excuse me?! I speak to whoever I wish, and you have no right to behave in such a way'

Harry closed the door behind them fighting hard not to slam it, already flying off the handle.

'This guy is trying to get off with you and stop pretending he is not!' he said marching toward the living room.

'Oh, just drop it, would you?! He is not! He's just a friend.' she fired back following him outraged throwing her handbag on the sofa and an incinerator look at him.

Harry grunted 'He is not a friend. I know what he wants and it's not friendship' he said between his teeth.

'And how do you know, may I ask?'

'He is a man! I know how he thinks. He doesn't bother to get friendly with a woman just to chat'

She flushed angrily 'What's that supposed to mean? Do you do it too? Is it what you are implying?'

Harry understood to have made a technical error, but he was too upset to balance his words properly 'I don't! You know I don't but that doesn't take away the fact that I know he does. He was all over you for heaven's sake!'

She laughed bitterly 'I hope you are kidding!' spatting the sentence angrily 'For years I watched you hugging, caressing even kissing Hermione without a word and now you are complaining because he slightly touched me?'

She was hitting on a delicate spot considering how the situation had turned out to be but at the same time he thought it was quite different. Despite what he found out about Hermione he was sure a woman could have a male friend, but it was virtually impossible for a man to look for a female friend without the hidden wish to take her to bed even if just in friendship. He considered himself a happy exception, perhaps because he had been always used to have female friends or because he loved Ginny so much and for that reason kept himself purposely away from those women to whom he felt a possible attraction. He didn't want to find himself in a tempting situation.

But many men weren't as virtuous as him. Not going too far from their circle there was Ron. Harry wasn't so sure that given the chance he wouldn't have cheated on Hermione, perhaps he even did. He never investigated on it deciding he preferred not to know, but signs were there. When they were out by themselves Harry noticed how he would flirt with any woman as soon as there was an opening, and he was married. This Phil wasn't even so and what more he was a recognised womanizer.

'It's not the same' He retorted 'I never touched Hermione with a second intention. He does. He wants to shag you and what's worse he wants to do it just to be able to declare to the magical community that he had stolen my wife!'

That was it. That was the truth. The hateful man was just looking for a way to prevail on him to get some more publicity and Ginny didn't even realise it.

He was marching up and down the room unable to stay still.

Ginny widened her eyes at his affirmation and then, she flushed again even more, flying onto a rage 'You are actually insulting me! You know, I'm something more than your wife! Perhaps he may even think it may be worth to shag me for myself!'

Harry lurched at this affirmation and looked at her scowling 'Don't you even start with that! You know very well I think you are amazing'

Too amazing for me as a matter of fact…

'He doesn't shine with intelligence or observation otherwise he'll see it too. He is just a pompous, overbearing jerk and you are falling for him!'

'I'm not falling for anybody! Would you quit with this nonsense?! It's not possible that every single time I speak with a man you must make a scene! This ought to stop!' she crossed her arms glaring at him.

She was right. Absolutely, totally, completely right and yet, he couldn't control himself. He felt threatened every time, scared that she could fall in love with somebody else, that she could realise she didn't love him anymore and what would he had done then? He had only her, he would have been meaningless without her. He couldn't even bear the thought.

'Why do you even stay with me?' he asked in an impulse driven by the anger.

She was perplexed 'What?'

'Why are you in love with me?' he asked now steady, looking at her enquiringly, skittishly. He had been bothered by this doubt for years and today he finally found the courage to ask her prompted by some affirmations made during the interview.

'I don't understand, Harry. What do you mean?' she still had a hostile look. They were glowering one to the other from the two opposite sides of the room.

'I mean what I just said. Why are you in love with me? What am I for you? Would you even have looked at me if I wasn't Harry Potter?'

'Harry, don't be stupid' she hissed rolling her eyes 'You are Harry Potter'

'You know what I mean. You fell in love with me not because of me but because of what I represented. Would you even have noticed me if I wasn't the-boy-who-lived? Would you even have bothered to get to know me?' he was rigidly standing in the room now; the rage had turned in a bitter sentiment of suspicion and frustration.

Ginny opened her mouth to speak, the anger had left her face to be replaced by bewilderment, she was taken aback by his question, and she didn't have an answer ready which only enlightened Harry's doubt.

'Sod it! Forget it!' he ranted before she could find words, he wasn't sure he wanted to hear.

'I'm going out' he said dashing out of the room, flew in his room, changed as fast as he could and in the space of just seconds, he was out disapparating from the house to the newly found wood where he knew he would have found silence and solitude.

Once he got back after a couple of hours spent running in a muddy wood with a very muddy mood, the house was empty. There was a note on the kitchen table.

Since you feel authorized in storming out while we are having a discussion without saying where you are going and when you will be back, I think it's only right for me to take the same liberty.

Don't bother to wait for me.

Could he say in total honesty that he didn't deserve it? Probably not. He could have seen it coming. And it was such a shame. For once they could have the house for themselves everything had to be ruined because of that Phil-jerk.

He wondered where she could be, perhaps at the Burrow. He felt tempted for a moment to check but then discarded the idea quickly. If not, Molly would have just been alarmed and overall, he didn't want them to find out that they had an argument, and he was totally ignorant of his wife whereabout.

He took a late dinner made of leftover, exhausted by the full day and went to bed right afterward. He lay there reflecting on the day just passed. Mulling it over with a clear mind it would have been impossible to hope for a different ending. He despised the whole thing so much and even before going there was already irritated by it, totally opposite to Ginny's feelings. At least she got her wish to be on Witch Weekly's front cover. It hadn't been a completely wasted day. And hopefully this marked a net end to any similar experience in the future.

He sighed, the run had calmed his temper and he was regretting bitterly his behaviour. He didn't like to be alone in bed without her. After seventeen years of marriage, he could count on the tip of his fingers the times in which they didn't sleep together, and he wasn't used to it. He felt lonely and insecure, having raised all these doubts in his mind it was difficult to relinquish them.

He didn't feel up to be Ginny's companion. He didn't feel like having virtues enough to deserve the love of such an amazing woman. And this was corroding his self-esteem that had never been exactly high anyway.

It was difficult to appreciate himself when everybody was glorifying him like a demigod. It should probably have been the opposite; he should have grown up boastful and overconfident, but it wasn't the case. He didn't feel anything special and the thought that everybody considered him just that depressed his feelings enormously making him feel like his real being wasn't enough.

He decided to wait for Ginny awake, he didn't want to fall asleep without a reconciliation. He waited and waited, the time on the alarm clock showing him the passing of the time and wondering when she would be back, he drifted unaware in a sleep.

I'm in the shooting room. It's empty, I'm alone and I feel lonely. The only light comes from the door where, after a while, I see a contour projecting against it. It's Ginny. She looks blankly at me as if I wasn't even there and without acknowledging me, she proceeds to the next room, where I follow her, wanting to be with her. I don't understand why she ignored me. I can hear noises and clicking of cameras, there is a crowd surrounding a man standing higher than the rest. It's my evil self, the same as the other dreams. He looks dashing, handsome, so much better than me. His eyes are still red and devilish, but nobody seems to notice all dazzled by his look. Ginny contemplates him admired and when he sees her, the crowd parts to let her pass. I try to stop her reaching out, but she shrugs me off disgusted 'You are nothing to Harry Potter. Nothing' she says.

I try to explain to her that he is not the real Harry Potter, that I'm the real one but she doesn't pay any attention to me anymore. She goes to him, he embraces her with lust. He is dangerous but she doesn't seem to see it. I want to stop her but the crowd close again on the two of them that start to kiss passionately.

I cannot get through. I'm cut out. I can just look at them, and I can do nothing to stop her.

Harry woke up with a start. Ginny was sitting on the edge of the bed watching him.

'You were mumbling in your sleep' she said.

The room was lighted by the feeble light coming from the outside, she was in her nightdress.

'What time is it?' Harry asked still dazed by the sudden awakening.

'Two o'clock. I just got back' she said caressing his forehead with a loving look on her face. Harry felt relieved in finding her warmed in his regard. He needed to be comforted.

He snuggled up against her 'I missed you. Where have you been?'

'To Luna, we spent the evening chatting'

'I'm an idiot. I'm sorry for how I behaved' he apologised.

'It's ok.' She said keeping cuddling him 'It's always enlightening speaking to Luna. She has the gift of making you see things from another prospective'

'What prospective?'

'Yours' she said simply 'I explained her what happened, and she just said with her dreamy voice "Maybe he is only insecure. It must be difficult to be Harry Potter all the time, don't you think? It kind of throws a shadow on who he really is"'

Harry lowered his gaze and distractedly started to caress her round belly.

'Ginny… That's not an excuse… I'm a grown man. I should know better'

She shushed him sweetly 'Harry, I love you' she murmured softly 'I love you for what you are. I love you because you are brave, just and affectionate to me. I love you because you always put your best in everything, you listen to me, you reflect on things and when you are wrong you admit it and apologise. You make me feel secure and protected.' She leaned to kiss him.

'When I was young, I had a crush on you because of your story, that's true. You asked me if I would have tried to get to know you if you were an anybody. I cannot answer to that question. I don't know, as you cannot know if you'd have ever looked at me if I wasn't Ron's sister. But what it did start as a girl crush developed in a real love getting to know you. After a bit your popularity started to be a drawback for me not an enhancement. It kept you far from me, too many girls with better charms were gravitating around you and overall, you were always in danger, threatened to death. It was a dangerous love mine. I was loving a guy that could die any second. If you weren't what you are the crush would have withered away eventually. But it didn't. I'm in love with Harry Potter. Not the one on magazines, not the one that saved the world but the one that day after day is showing me faithfulness, sweetness and devotion. The man to whom I can always count on if some issues arise and is always there to help me and make me happy.'

Harry was struck. He didn't expect such a declaration of love. He realised that he knew all that already, he had always known it deep down. It had been stupid of him to think otherwise. However, as it's always pleasant to hear praises from the loved one and he wasn't an exception in this case, he was delighted. He felt his heart swelling with the sentiments he nurtured for her, and he knew he could never have loved any other woman but Ginny. His life would have been thinned into nothingness without her love and he felt grateful and lucky to be able to secure it so strongly to his person.

He sat up and kissed her overwhelmed and wordless. How can one answer to such a speech? No answer seemed appropriated.

He could just kiss her and hope it would speak for him.

And he was sure it did as she kissed him back laying close to him. And, cuddling each other, they drifted together in a peaceful sleep.