Chapter 27 – We may have to move

He got home beaten but full of expectation for the evening. Ginny was in a good mood and kept shot him glances that reassured him on the genuineness of the morning promise.

While they were having dinner a barn owl flew toward the window. Ginny spotted it first.

'Do you recognise that owl?' she asked quizzical.

Harry glanced at it and answered in the negative. He stood up, opened the window and got the scroll bound to the owl's leg who flew away soon after.

'Are you waiting for a letter?' he asked Ginny not being any name on it, but she shook her head.

Harry opened the scroll and started to read.

Dear Harry,

You don't know me, I'm Therese Mullock, an admirer of yours. Your service in freeing us from You-Know-Who has been…..

He didn't even finish to read it as apprehension started to creep over him. They shouldn't receive anything of the kind. The Fidelius charm protected them from this kind of mail. Unless they knew the address. But they couldn't know, nobody included in the secret would give it away. He was sure of it. Nonetheless, the letter was there, in his hand as an irrefutable proof.

He raised two very worried eyes to Ginny who was waiting to know the content of the letter.

He gulped, his mind reeling frantically. He dashed to the mantelpiece and started riffling between the papers on it, agitation growing steadily.

'Where is it?' he gabbled.

'Where is what?' Ginny asked.

'The letter I left here this morning. We received a letter, I didn't know the sender, I thought it was for you.' he said banging his fist on it, the letter wasn't there anymore 'Did you give our address to somebody new?' he said turning to Ginny.

'No, of course not, why?'

'Damn' he exclaimed and showed her the scroll. Like him she read just the first two lines and then looked at him baffled 'How is it possible?'

'What's going on?' Albus asked seeing their behaviour.

Harry was on him immediately 'Albus, did you give our address to anybody? Did you take the letter on the mantelpiece?'

Albus widened his eyes afraid by his earnestness and shook his head but a bit too hastily and it didn't escape Harry.

'Are you sure?' he pressed him on but as he was formulating the question, he knew already he wasn't guilty of it. Albus didn't have any reason to do that. His best friend was Rose, and she knew their address already.

'I swear you I didn't!' Albus answered pleadingly and Harry believed him, all the same he knew something and if he did, it could only come from James.

And as he turned toward him, he knew his conjecture was right. James was defiant, arms crossed looking at Harry challenging.

'James, did you give our address to somebody?' he asked getting warm seeing that expression on his face that confirmed his fear.

James didn't answer and Harry lunged toward him 'Did you?' he asked again feeling anger mounting.

Ginny, sensing the fast escalation, stood up and ambling over them 'Harry, let me speak to him'

Harry forbade her to come any closer keeping his eyes locked on James. He asked minacious for the second time 'Did you?'

'What if I did?' he answered boldly his gaze steady.

Harry roared enraged 'Do you realised what have you done? Have you got the smallest idea of what you have just done?' he shouted at him.

His defiance was enraging him tremendously. He had clearly done it and didn't seem repented at all. Quite the opposite. He couldn't know what it meant. He was too young to remember what it was like before the Fidelius charm. Nevertheless, he knew what was at stake. It was repeated to him since he was a child.

James stood up confronting Harry. He was getting tall, growing out of childhood very quickly but, nevertheless, Harry was still towering over him of more than a foot.

Ginny apostrophised them sternly 'Let's calm down'

But they ignored her. James started bellowing too 'I think I've got some right to decide who I want in the secret; I live in this house too'

Harry slammed a hand on the table to vent out his anger 'You have absolutely not any right whatsoever' he barked 'Your mother and me decide. Not you! You just have to obey to what is told you to do!'

This wasn't anything about sharing the secret with friends, this was clearly an affront to him. Since he was back, he was harbouring this resentment over him and he had finally found a way to strike.

James was purple enraged as much as Harry 'What are you going to do if I don't'? Are you going to fill me in like you have done to uncle?'

The challenge was staring him in the face and Harry felt for a moment that he could have done it; he felt dangerously close to that outburst of violence that was sneaking under his skin and could be triggered by anything, by any slight touch from any of them. But Ginny, at least, knew how it was; she had learned the worst way that it was better not to touch him when he was in one of those rage. And she didn't, watching them in apprehension not knowing what to do, like Albus. The only one still sitting.

Harry used all his self-command to utter the next sentence 'Go to your room. Now!' he growled needing to have him out of his sight.

He had never beaten his children, not even a smack when they misbehaved, not approving of that kind of behaviour. He had never been struck by his uncle and aunt, it was more a mental abuse the one he had been submitted to, but because of what he suffered whilst a child, he was against any kind of violence on kids, and didn't want to start under the influence of that blinding anger he was having problem to keep under control. It wasn't a way. It wasn't an option. And the reasonable part in him was still sufficiently in charge to restrain his worst-self.

James darted out of the room and from his eyes Harry understood that what was happening inside him, was probably happening in a weaker degree inside his son too and he damned himself for having transmitted this tract of his character to another being. Poor James had inherited to much from him for his own good and it showed in all his repressed anger and discontent. Albus, who had luckily got only his eyes, was definitely the happier and more equilibrate of the two.

He didn't move and from the outside he was as immobile as a statue but on the inside a fight was raging, between his instinct and his mind. A strenuous and hard-fought battle.

The mind eventually got the better stomping back down his instinct still putting up a struggle to keep afloat. But it was finally subdued, and Harry could move again, his muscles relaxed, and reason started to retrieve possession of his mind after having been forced to retrocede. It was like a proper waking up.

But Ginny and Albus were still paralysed under the tension that had united them in a situation in which they were excluded with the fear to have to assist to something ugly that fortunately hadn't happened.

They too unfroze after a while, but they kept their position in silence not knowing what to say.

Harry sat, sighed, and took his head in his hands massaging his temples as the motif of the escalation popped in his mind again; the Fidelius Charm was broken and there was no way to stop the diffusion of their address. It was bound to spread like wildfire. How many people did know already? Impossible to say… Impossible to stop. It was a matter of time before people would knock at their door.

'What happened Albus? Do you know something?' he asked to his cool tempered son.

'He sneaked out to visit Bianca yesterday. By floopowder. He got back very cranky. I don't know what's happened there. Mrs Pennyworth is Bianca's mother. He got the letter. He doesn't want me to say though.' He let out all in one breath, fearful.

Harry reproached himself seeing his demeanour. He didn't want to terrorize his son in speaking against his brother. He didn't want to terrorize his son, period.

As he stood up to stroke Albus' head a slight flinch was detectable when he outstretched his hand. Not good. Definitely not good.

Albus relaxed under the stroking. Was there any point to apologise again? Is there any point to keep apologise for his scary outbursts?

'What do we do?' he asked turning to Ginny who was still standing in the same spot.

She sat slowly, supporting herself on the edge of the table 'I don't know' she said rubbing her face in concern 'We may have to move' she added dismayed, in her eyes already all the exhaustion of what it was going to comport.

'Is it that bad?' Albus asked

'Yes Albus, it is bad. And you'll realise how bad in the next few days.'

Not another word was added, they started to clear up the table and Harry's ear was strained to capture any unusual noise from the outside. But neither there nor from James' room any sound could be heard.

Once in the bedroom, while Ginny was preparing for the night, he looked outside the window, the street was deserted and there were no owls going back and forth for the time being.

How were they going to find another house so convenient? How long would it take? Where to go in the meanwhile?

And besides all those questions the idea to move filled him with sadness. They spent so many happy moments in that house, it meant to relinquish the place where Lily's memories were linked so strongly. It still pained him going in her room as it pained him all the time, he looked at her empty place around the table or where she used to sit on the sofa but as they pained him, he didn't want to have to abandon them. It would have been really as if leaving her behind and despite it could have helped him in a way, he was averse to it.

He thought about George and how he always refused to move from his place albeit everybody strongly advised him to do so, and he finally understood the reason behind that refusal. George didn't want to lose the place he had shared with Fred. A bit as though it could be possible for him to return despite being fully aware that it wasn't going to happen. It was the same for him now. It was impossible to destroy that tiny, malignant, corroding hope hiding under the rationality that one day she would return, and if she did, he had to be there, where she left them. But then the rationality prevailed again, crushing back that hope with the finality of a truth that tortured him so incontrovertible as it was. She would never be back. Never. It didn't matter if they moved or not. She would never be back. And Harry thought that if it was possible to cancel a word from the world, he would have chosen that one. Never.

Ginny finishing her routine found him there, looking outside, tangled in uneasiness and, like after every time he had these excess of anger, tired and dejected. Everything seemed of the deepest shade of blue.

She took his hand and brought him to bed without saying a word. And then with caresses and kisses steadily growing in passion and intensity she rekindled the atmosphere of the morning.

And lost in the warmth of her body, all the negativity of the evening melted, all the problems dissolved in those overpowering sensations that only her could provoke in him. She was lending him her body to channel all what was wrong in something better to make re-emerge his good self.

When they finally lay side to side panting in that delightful weakness after having loved fully, his mind was clearer, and his soul quietened from all the harasses of the day.

He embraced her tenderly kissing the back of her neck, the silence of the room was punctuated only by their breathing. After a few minutes Ginny spoke.

'Harry, I don't want to have to fear you'

He kept her tightly reflecting on his behaviour of the evening. It was clear what she meant. She had been scared he could get violent. And she was right, it could have happened, he realised it well enough now with a clear mind. But the last thing he wanted was her or Albus to feel that way toward him. Yes, even James.

'You don't have to. I'd cut my head before hurting you or the boys. It'll never happen. I'll control my anger better; I won't let it anymore to run away with me'

He meant it. Before Lily's death he had always managed to do it more or less successfully but after that outburst right after it, it seemed a dam had broken and anger was flooding in him, when he would mend a breach another one was opening under the pression, and James' behaviour didn't help in checking it. But it wasn't his fault. He felt to be the only one to be blamed. For everything he failed to do in his regards and for everything he hadn't be able to be.

She turned facing him and passed her long fingers in his hair pulling it back from his forehead and with her mouth she traced the contour of his scar. The origin of all his problems.

'Ginny, what do we do? Where do we go? In a few days here it will be hell' he whispered.

'Honestly there is just one place I can think of that is safe enough'

'Which one?'

'Hermione's and Ron's' she answered.

I'm at Shell Cottage, I'm covered with blood as the snow around me. I've just beaten Ron almost to death, but I don't feel any regret nor pity. I know I've done the right thing. Going back, I would do just the same. The insane anger is not there but hate lingers. Nobody is around besides us. Ron's body lays behind me. I know is alive but barely. Lily's body is there too, somewhere, but I cannot see her. I turn to look at him wanting to finish the deed. But it's not Ron the one I've just beaten. It's not Ron the one on ground. It's James. In that pool of blood.

Nobody will ever know about this dream.