Chapter 35 - Our friendship is real

In his haste to leave the house he left way too early. Being let in by the caretaker, he wandered on the Hogwarts ground losing himself in memories. The morning's good mood seemed far away and the only remembrances that surfaced were the haunting one.

He halted to Dumbledore's grave and the night of his death was vividly in his mind.

He remembered Malfoy incapability to kill and Snape doing it instead.

He let his mind dwell on Malfoy. After the battle there had been a trial for the whole family. He wasn't an Auror yet, but he had been called to testify.

He knew back then how his words were likely to influence the outcome. Hesitation had been great. Lucius Malfoy was an alleged Death Eater, pretended to be penitent once while never really, re-joining the dark side as soon as the chance offered again. Draco had been marked and had done Voldemort bidding for at least one-year, torturing people and scheming against Dumbledore.

Yet, he couldn't bring himself in feeling that hate it should have been present, a hate he was entitled to feel, a hate that felt for all the Death Eater. A hate that wasn't there.

He thought about Draco's mother lying to the Dark Lord about his presumed death to get to him, the family hugging tightly at the end of the battle, Draco's hesitation in acknowledging him when he had been brought to their mansion; he knew very well it was Harry under the swelling inducted by Hermione's spell, but he had pretended not to, perhaps to try to spare his life? In any case Draco had been victim of something bigger than him. His path was chosen for him and by the time he realised it wasn't the one he wanted to follow, it was too late to change it.

He understood all this at that time and had spoken in their favour to the Wizegamot to let them go free. It was a big risk the one taken but he thought to have acted for the best. He didn't want to seed even more desolation and sadness in their lives.

Draco and he could never have become friends, and Harry wasn't even sure his selfless act had been welcome proud as he was, accustomed in despising him for no reason at all since his waning loyalty to Voldemort.

Nevertheless, they were both willing to forget about their past and from then on, they had established an acquaintance made of polite exchanges whenever they met in the Ministry or outside. No hard feelings nor affection. A simple acquaintance of two people that were linked together by an extraordinary trial that two teenagers should never have endured and yet separated from an abyss made of social status and believes.

He was thinking to all of that while sprawled on the bank of the lake where an occasional water's ripple would disclose the presence of the giant squid moving underneath the surface, when Hermione sat on his side.

'Hey' she just said.

He replied with the same not moving his gaze from the lake.

For some minutes nobody spoke, both listening to the gentle rippling caused by the squid.

The good thing about Hermione was that she scarcely talked about triviality only for the sake of talking and that was particularly welcome to Harry at such a time.

Once his gloom had reabsorbed, he looked at her; she seemed troubled too, her expression wasn't serene, and Harry wondered which kind of recollection that place aroused in her. He didn't ask. From her expression probably wasn't anything that could bring pleasure in sharing.

'Shall we go?' he only enquired, at which she nodded, a shade of a tear in a corner of her eye fast swept away by a blink.

Once in the library the mood of both lifted as if by magic. That one was probably the only place that, despite being used for long and very boring hours (only on Harry's side obviously), could just bring good memories.

As though being back to Hogwarts' time preparing for an exam and as if a cheering potion ad been sipped, they couldn't help but sniggering like kids. Out of habit they were whispering too, notwithstanding nobody was there to tell them off.

They were endeavouring to concentrate on their task but succeeding clumsily. Hermione riffled through the pages of a very severe looking book called "Protection and defence" but then with a half-smile said 'I miss your glasses'

Harry riffling through another called "Fidelius charm, secrets and effects" chuckled 'I don't miss them at all'

'But they suited you'

'Funny, very funny'

'It's true!' she said eager sniggering.

'Shut up!' he laughed throwing her a crumpled paper used for some notes. She dodged it and they turned their attention back on their books still shaken by burst of repressed amusement.

After only a few seconds Harry chuckled again.

'What?' Hemione asked looking up.

'I was thinking when Krum kept butting in here just for the sake of seeing you, remember?'

She smiled 'Of course I do! First and only time I allured somebody just being a bookworm'

'A pretty bookworm' he added playfully 'Ron was beyond himself with jealousy, the poor guy'

'He deserved it' she smirked opening a new book called "Architectural incantations".

They turned their attention on books but, once again, a new memory sprang up and as he looked up to share it, she did the same 'Do you remember….' they uttered in unison. They halted and burst out laughing loudly and again, at the same time, out of habit, they hushed each other. Although, realising there was no madame Pinch there, they both started to laugh louder than before.

Hermione shut her book 'This is not good; we are not concentrating at all. Let's have a stroll on the ground to chat a bit, then we can continue'

Harry agreed cheerfully. He had never been a great reader nor even too good concentration wise, and he only longed to have finally a chat with her without having to feel guilty or restrained.

As soon as they were in the ground the topic was brought instantly to James and Harry confided in her all that was paining him of his behaviour, his worries and insecurities on how to deal with the situation.

She listened attentively and then she sighed 'Harry, he is getting in a difficult age. And what happened exacerbate everything. He is changing, in body and in mind. You cannot expect him to understand all you are going through, and went through. Unfortunately, teenagers tend to be self-centred for all the novelty they are experiencing. You should be more open with him'

'Ginny told me the same'

'She is quite right. Try to spend more time with him, talk to him like to an adult. He is not a child anymore.'

'He is not an adult either though' Harry retorted while they had reached the tree where they used to hang out when summer was approaching.

'He is not but he is ready to listen and understand what you never told him' she replied while they were sitting down.

'What if I don't want to tell him.'

'He will never get to know you; he will always think you are what other people describe you to be' she said tearing a stalk of grass 'And you know how people describe you' she added with a meaningful glance 'That's why he feels so overshadowed'

He dwelled on her words acknowledging the truth in it; he couldn't let James form an idea out of what exalted people told him for a full year. Hogwarts was great for many reasons but kept his sons far away for very long periods and in those periods, they were liable to receive many inputs from strangers. He had only two months and half each year to give his point of view and to try to give a proper direction to their education and way of thinking. One month was almost gone and he and James were as far from each other as it was possible to be.

'How is it going with Ron?' he asked in the end to change topic.

She shrugged 'As usual. I can see he is not overjoyed about me spending all this time with you, but he still feels dreadful, so he doesn't complain aloud'

'Is he jealous?'

'He has always been jealous, but never admitted it. Since he discovered about that time in the tent everything had worsened'

'You never told him about…' he started in saying, wanting to know if she had revealed him about her sentiments, but then he stopped realising that it wasn't probably something he should mention. However, she understood his unfinished sentence.

'Of course not, Harry. Don't be silly. This is not something you go tell your husband, especially if the husband in question is Ron who incidentally suffers from a chronic jealousy against you' she said leaning her back against the tree trunk.

'So, do you still…?' he asked hoping with all himself for a negative answer.

She was fiddling with the stark of grass without speaking, she looked in the emptiness in front of her and then at him, and it was such a look full of hopelessness and desperate longing that Harry knew that the answer wasn't negative as he was hoping, and disappointment filled him.

He wished to see her happy but couldn't give her the only thing that would make her so.

'Why, Hermione? Why?' he burst out desperate, letting out that question in an impulse. He couldn't get why it could be only a beautiful friendship on his side when on hers had to develop in love.

Hermione looked at him in surprise 'Why, Harry?' she asked quizzical.

Harry nodded.

She sighed in a patronizing way and Harry would have laughed if the tension of the unsaid wasn't so high.

'How can you ask me why? It would have been a wonder if it didn't happen'

Harry widened his eyes nonplussed by the answer 'But why…?' he mumbled again faltering.

'You and Ron understand nothing about women's nature! Nothing!' she said impatient, looking at him severely.

And with the fifth essence of a patronizing voice, she explained 'For seven years we spent every day united in danger and because of it an intimacy has been created that not in many friendships develop.'

'But with Ron too!' he interrupted.

'Yes, with Ron too and in fact, in case you haven't noticed, I fell in love with him for mysterious reasons I cannot even explain to myself, and I married him. If the situation had been different probably me and Ron would have never even looked at each other'

'Ok, and I can agree with you there, but why me?'

'Harry, anytime there was a problem I could confide in you; you have always been there for me when I felt low'

Harry was again about to interrupt but Hermione shushed him 'Harry, you have been my first man. That means something for a woman. It creates a strong bond, a strong affection and I'm happy to have shared that with you at that time but it also meant that I was more at risk' she said hesitantly.

'And even later, year after year, you have given me what Ron has never been able to. You listen to me. You showed me tenderness when he never does. You consoled me, helped me and cared for me. Is it such a wonder this feeling developed?' she concluded.

It wasn't. Explained as she had explained, it wasn't a wonder at all. But still didn't clarify why it worked in such a way for her when it didn't for him. Perhaps because he had fall in love with Ginny and his heart was already occupied? Maybe. As he had been her first man, she had been his first woman but that didn't change anything. There wasn't any love in what they had been doing nineteen years before. But again, perhaps, it wasn't the same on her part.

He looked at the landscape that was presenting under his eyes, on the edge of the forest a female thestral with two little ones were grazing lazily under the sun. Hermione was looking in that direction too and probably, like all the people that had participated to the Hogwarts battle, could see them as clearly as him.

She had been earnest in explaining him the nature of her sentiment and Harry felt right to be likewise despite his awkwardness in expressing his feelings.

'Once you told me that I'm closed off, Ted said the same and I'm starting to realise that it is true. I scarcely ever speak about me, but I want to be honest with you now' he said looking at her who was looking elsewhere 'This feeling you have for me… I hate it'. She winced at his roughness turning toward him with a hurt expression.

'I hate that I cannot return it. I hate to see you pained by it. I hate to have to weight my words and actions when I'm with you. I hate to think that our friendship was never real. I'm egoist and unfeeling in telling you all this, I know, but those months of forced separation had been dreadful for me.' He was starting to get warm by his own speech, unnerved by the impossibility of cancelling what ruined their friendship 'But I trust your judgement, I always did. If you feel this separation must continue, I'll submit to it, you must be the one who chose for both of us because I cannot. I need you as a friend, I want you back as I thought you were before finding out about all of this'.

And as it was probably predictable, his speech had only the result to make her lose composure. After the first sentence, tears had already started to pour down and by the end of it, her face was hidden against her knees as she was breaking down in powerful sobs. In between those sobs she wailed 'Your trust in my judgement is unfounded. I was in agony in those moths of separation and when I saw you again, I was so happy, it scared me. I feel good when I'm with you and then I feel bad because I shouldn't feel so good. I should stay far from you; I know I should, but then I feel worst and is all so confusing and painful. I know I have no hope and it tears me apart. But at the same time, I want to be your friend, despite is painful to be only that but I'd truly like to be able to eat my words and bring the situation back as it was'

Shit… Why can't you hate me Hermione? I swear to god I'd preferred it. That, at least, I could try to return it.

He watched her in this palpable distress and sighed dismally by this outburst; the desire to console her was impelling but he needed a clear answer before to act in any way.

'How should I behave when I'm with you? Do you want me to be as before? Shall I be guarded? Do I have to spurn you? What should I do?!' he was getting upset and unreasonable. How could he expect an answer? Is it better the pain inflicted by a rejection or the pain of being hugged only as a friend? There was no answer. Nor a way that wouldn't have hurt her.

If he would have hugged her as he felt to do, would have been the right move? Was it going to be reassuring, consoling or only something that would spark an unavailing hope? He had always followed his impulse with her but after what she just disclosed and remembering Ginny's words on women's nature, he was hesitant again. He hugged her on the platform, he followed his instinct then because it seemed the right thing to do, but now he was in doubt once more in front of this outburst of sentiments that clearly, without any other doubt, told him irrevocably that her love wasn't a whim of a moment, it wasn't something feeble born under the longing of affection; it was a real, deep, strong love. And it made everything so much worst. Is there a remedy for unrequited love?

She only shook her head still rested on her knees, not helping to dissipate his doubts, leaving him in charge of that decision. The thestral faraway were looking at them inquisitively, alarmed by the raising of their voices.

'Ok, so this is what I'll do' he said 'It is very clear that no matter what your sentiments are, mine will never change, right? I'm sure you are clever enough to realise that despite what my behaviour can be, it will always be only a friendship, right? I may hug you or kiss you or tell you something affectionate, but it doesn't mean anything more and never will. I'm sorry to be harsh but I want to make sure you are not going to read anything hidden underneath; Ginny told me how you women are prone to do that'

She nodded and Harry could see her shoulders quiver. It could have been due to sobs but perhaps there had been a repressed chuckle too in between. Encouraged he continued 'Ok, so in a month you'll be gone again, until that time I'll be myself with you. I'll pretend you never told me anything of it. And if you feel that it's better for you to take distance, it is you that will have to push me away. What do you think?'

She nodded again feebly, her sobbing decreasing.

'Ok, so then, come here' he said relieved pulling her in a close hug.

Was it right? Probably it wasn't. He knew in his heart that he should have been the strong one and keep her far, but she was a too important part of his past and present. All those years of friendship couldn't be swept away so easily. He wasn't ready to severe that friendship completely. He had tried and hadn't worked. Therefore, he had let her in charge of that difficult task he couldn't accomplish. It was tiring to have to be always the strong one. Couldn't he indulge in weakness time to time too?

From somewhere against his chest Hermione's voice made way to him 'Harry, our friendship is real. I never allowed my sentiments to stand in the way. I've always tried to be the best of friend to you, nothing more than that'

Harry smiled and kept her tight, glad to hear what he was hoping to hear. He had so few real relationships in his life that it was quite hard for him to discover that not even those were so. Therefore, he welcomed her words that brought her back to be one of those cherished ones.

They were still enclosed in that embrace, listening to the birds singing and to the Whomping Willow shaking its branches somewhere behind them, when a stern voice not far off made them jump, chasing away the thestrals that, frightened, scurried back amid the trees.

'Is this how you study? Frolicking under a tree?' McGonagall boomed looking at them scoldingly 'Get back inside this instant you two!' she apostrophised them pointing to the entrance.

And laughing heartily, they stood up, following her back inside the castle hand in hand.