Chapter 40 - I hate you!

When Ginny saw them at the door didn't know if to be more baffled by Luna's presence, Harry's serene demeanour or the state of him.
The last one was the winner.
'Harry, what in the name of heaven did you do? You are covered in mud!' she exclaimed and as he was advancing inside, she barred him the path, yelling 'Don't move another step! I passed the mop this morning!' and turning to Luna with a somewhat sweeter tone of voice 'Hi Luna, so glad to see you, sit in the kitchen and make yourself at home. I'll be with you in a minute'.
She closed the door behind her and sternly made Harry pile all the sopping clothes to the entrance ordering him to the bathroom to take a hot shower.
When after a few minutes, she emerged in it with warm clean clothes, Harry was towelling his hair.
She let them beside the sink and without a word, hastily, she was about to leave the room again.
'Stop a second' he said, noticing her hurry, grasping her wrist before she could disappear 'Come here' he ordered her.
She tried to free herself without meeting his gaze mumbling her unwillingness of leaving Luna alone.
'She can wait' he answered resolute pulling her inside and closing the door.
'Look at me' he entreated gently caressing her face.
She raised on him two gold eyes that teared up immediately inspite of her. Shrugging Harry's hand, she mopped them up angrily.
Harry, moved, tried to cuddle her but she avoided his hand.
'You have been mean' she reproached him.
'I know'
'You shunned me' tears starting to glide on her cheeks notwithstanding her effort to stop them from falling.
'I know'
'I'm suffering as much as you, you know... She was my daughter too, you know…' she muttered avoiding another attempt from Harry to caress her.
'I know, I'm a bloody bastard who doesn't deserve an angel as you are on his side' he said hugging her as tight as the baby allowed, despite her struggle to free herself 'but you made the huge mistake of marry me so now you must bear with me and keep me' he added kissing her frowning face.
She received the kiss stiffly therefore, Harry kept covering her with them until that stiffness melted in a chuckle and then in a sniff.
'I'm sorry' he continued 'I promise you it won't happen again'. And he truly hoped that it wasn't a vain promise. He would never have revealed what had cured him and he was sure, as well, he would never allowed it to happen in her presence, once had been enough, but he knew now there was another way to channel his grief. It wasn't easy. For him to cry was much more difficult and painful than a fit of anger, no matter how strong it was, but he had witnessed how this latter seriously endangered his relationship with Ginny and the kids, and he wasn't willing to let it to happen any longer.
She nodded 'I hope so otherwise next time I'll show you what we angels are capable of' she said scowling playfully untangling from his embrace 'And I want to find this bathroom as clean as when you entered it. You left mud everywhere' and with that sentence she left him there, smirking.

When he joined her, she and Luna were chatting gaily over a cup of fuming tea. Albus was there too picking suspiciously from a plate of sweets Luna had brought them. He had some unpleasant experiences with Luna's cooking, but his gluttony made him bold.
James was closed in his room and Harry, feeling calm and compose enough, took the resolution of talking to him as soon as Luna was gone. It was the moment to confront him and try to repair his past mistakes.
They passed as cheerful an afternoon with Luna as Harry never thought possible considering the mood they were all in just a few hours before. Luna had the power to bring serenity wherever she went. He tried to forget about what it could have been that day in favour of what it was and judging by Ginny and Albus' smiles listening to Luna anecdotes, they were doing the same.
As soon as she was gone Harry was knocking on James' door after having communicated his intention to Ginny who looked grave in hearing it.
James was laying on his bed playing with a snitch, letting it fly few inches and catching it again, just as his teen age father had done the only time he had seen him in the pensive. His expression was unreadable.
Harry took the desk's chair and sat on it.
'How are you?' he asked conciliatory.
James shrugged his shoulders and didn't answer. Not a good start.
'Luna was here. Why didn't you come to say hi?'
He shrugged his shoulders again keeping playing with the tiny golden snitch.
'It wasn't nice of you, you know'
James catching the snitch looked at him sourly for a moment arching his eyebrows and then resumed his game.
'What that expression supposed to mean?' Harry asked ready for whatever unpleasant may come out from his son mouth.
'Nothing. It's just a bit rich coming from you'
'What do you mean?'
'Mum cried the whole morning. She was closed in the bathroom, but I heard her.' He paused while the snitch was making a bolt for freedom and catching him yet again, continued in a snide remark 'You were nowhere to be seen. Like usual. That wasn't nice either'
Harry sighed, sitting back against the chair 'You are right. It wasn't nice of me'
James didn't seem inclined in making any other statement so Harry pressed him on 'James, can we talk? If you have something to say this is the moment. Take it out of your system and let's be done with it'
But James kept his silence studying the gold snitch that was flapping hectic the long thin wings.
'Is it for what happened on Christmas? I explained to you the reason of my behaviour and I apologised but we can talk about it once more, if you want' he pressed on but not receiving any answer, he tried again; he wasn't going to leave that room without having talked everything over; he was ready to badger him the whole night if necessary.
'Is it because of the baby?'

'Or something else?'

'Is it because you are bored? Do you want us to bring you to Bianca?'
'I don't wanna see her again' he said in a rush angrily.
Finally! He can speak then!
'Why?'
James rolled his eyes annoyed 'Ok, do you want to know why? Do you wanna talk?' he asked shoving the snitch under the pillow and looking at him scornfully.
'Yes, that's exactly what I want' Harry answered stern ready for the blow surely about to come.
'Fine!' he said sitting up 'Do you know what happened when I went there?' glowering at him 'She just talked about you the whole sodding day! Begging me to make you sign things and asking questions about you, and the same her mother, and the same her sister. And Francis the same. Since he met you, it seems he is not able to talk about anything else. And I'm bloody fed up with people looking for me just for the sake of hearing about you! And, by the way, have you got any idea how embarrassing is it to realise that even the first year know about you more than I ever did?! I must find out things about my own father through stratagem not to let people see I don't know anything! And, since you are so keen to talk, let me tell you as well that I'm also bloody fed up to be just a shade of you! Everybody expects from me grand things but whatever I do is never enough compared of what you have done! Whatever I do it will never be enough! It's just gonna be you and I'm gonna be always only "Harry Potter's son" a nameless worthless person that is unlucky enough to be born your son!'
He was standing up now, his face contorted with rage while Harry was assisting astounded by this outburst.
'And because you are who you are, I have to protect Albus, and I have to protect Rose. And you don't care about what we must face at school as long as you can have your way! You decided to have this child so you can replace Lily and you can forget about us again in the same way as when Lily was born!' he spat enraged, angry tears sprouting from his eyes 'No, better, not us but me! Because you care about Albus, you like him. The only one you don't care about is me!'
'James, that's not…' Harry tried to interrupt him bewilderment growing but James didn't let him finish.
'Yes, it is! Stop pretending it's not! It was Lily first, Albus now and then it will be this child!' he shouted slamming his hand hardly against the wall and Harry recognised at that moment himself in his behaviour, all those repressed sentiments bursting out in a wild anger.
'Do you know what?' he shouted 'I wanna a different father! A father that hasn't done any amazing stuff, a father that didn't save the world! A normal one! I'm fed up with all of this!'
And with all that resentment and spite that had mounted in him, he yelled harshly 'I hate you! I wish I wasn't your son! I hate you!'
Harry was appalled, speechless under this flood of unsuspected hatred. The last sentence cutting deeply into him.
James was drying up nervous tears from his red enraged face. He didn't add a word more, he crouched on the bed giving him his back.
Harry looked at his shoulders quivering and was at loss for what to say, his mind dazed by those rough words.
'James …' he muttered standing up not knowing how to proceed.
He walked two steps toward him, but James interjected sharply 'Leave me alone'
Harry tried again 'I think we should…' but James interrupted him rising his voice 'I want to be left alone!'
'Ok, all right' Harry said giving up; it didn't seem right to force him into a discussion right then.
'I'll leave you alone' he only added leaving the room and closing the door behind him. Ginny was standing just outside, her expression grave.
'Did you hear?' Harry asked subdued.
She nodded 'He doesn't hate you really, you know… It's probably too much of the opposite' she said comforting.
Harry only nodded going for the room, Ginny made to follow but Harry halted her 'I'd like to stay alone if you don't mind'