Chapter 41 – It was not amazing!

Harry lay on the bed lost in his reflections.
What James said had struck him deeply. He knew or divined already some of his afflictions but what really disconcerted him was the anger, the resentment in his demeanour. He knew that James didn't hate him really, but it was nevertheless disturbing to hear that sentence from a son. Spat with such a defiance.
It was Ron all over again. All that feeling in being overshadowed and not loved by his family. It was exactly Ron. And that thought scared him enormously.
When at Hogwarts, it had started all innocent and slight. It was scarcely discernible from an outsider. Harry had had many hints of it during the years, but the final proof had come from the Slytherin Locket; the Horcrux, when opened, had revealed all that tormented Ron but he had never suspected how strongly that rancour had been fed and harboured, even later, year after year, until Christmas when had spurt out unexpectedly bringing those nefarious consequences.
And it was happening again under his very eyes.
Harry had never been able to explain to Ron how misplaced his envy was, how absolutely awful had been every event of his life related to Voldemort and how happy he would have been to be spared of everything that Voldemort's connection comported in his life. He had killed his parents forcing him in a joyless childhood, made his life a sequence of losses, fears and struggles. His situation hadn't brought him any joy whatsoever. Only misery.
But then, with James and Albus, he had never even tried to explain, they learned from other people's mouth what his life had been, and it always sounded so great and adventurous when told by somebody else and it had been so awful to live it all.
He had promised himself to be open after Christmas, to answer their questions and be more transparent but he had found it more difficult than suspected and hadn't been able to maintain his promise.
He was in time to rectify the situation however, he ought to, to avoid this thing to become the gnawing sentiment that had corroded his and Ron friendship. He didn't want to lose his son how he had lost him.
The poor kid felt neglected, and he hadn't even realised. He had struggled in all his path of parenthood against it because of what he had suffered as a child, and it happened anyway. His love for Lily had made him blind to James silent plea for attention.
But he wasn't going to lose his son under this misconception; it was the time to put aside completely his secrecy and get close to him. Hermione had been right telling him what she did months before about all this unwillingness of speaking about himself. He could hear her now with clarity "You are only keeping them far from you". She had been right.
I'm keeping Jamesand Albus far from me.
How come women are always right? I'll eventually learn this truth too…
The thought of James, closed in his room feeling neglected acted in him like a stimulant. God knows if he knew what it meant with the childhood he had, and it was dreadful.
I'm not gonna let it happen to my son too!
And that thought gave him strength to act, a resolution sprouted in him. Now was the moment to make amend.
He sprang up from the bed driven by this decision and steadfast walked toward James' room. He didn't knock, he just slammed the door open. James was still on the bed and, seeing him enter in such a manner, startled, his face darkening straight away but Harry didn't let him speak.
'Come with me' he just said. James opened his mouth to utter a negative but Harry, didn't allow him to; he just repeated the order articulating every word imperatively.
James raised from the bed sullen and followed him. Harry on the spur of the moment went to look for Albus too; if he was going to do this, he wanted to do it just once.
Albus was in the living room, polishing his broom. He called his attention asking him to follow. Albus, seeing his severe demeanour, dropped his broom instantly and made to go to him, Ginny was there too, sitting on the sofa. She looked at Harry enquiringly who said to her 'Ginny, I need to speak with the boys alone', she nodded grave ready to stand up. 'Stay' he said caressing her head to reassure her 'We'll go to the kitchen'
Albus followed him meekly while James had still anger gripping on him. Once in there he pointed at the chairs 'Sit down' he told them.
'I don't want...'
'Sit!' Harry ordered to James that complied.
Harry was walking back and forth in the kitchen pensively, his brows knitted, his mind overcrowded with all he wanted to explain.
He gathered all his strength and started to speak.
'You often complained I never told you anything about me, now I'm gonna do it. I'll tell you everything from the beginning and you are going to listen carefully because I'm not sure I'll be able to do it again in the future'
'I don't want…' James interjected scornful and Harry losing his patience shouted 'James, you'll shut your mouth and you'll listen. It costs me to do all this, but I think is necessary since what I heard from you today'
James, who was rising from his chair, sat down again glowering.
'Right' he said halting and observed both his sons, moving his gaze from Albus, slightly frightened, to the other son of him, arms crossed forbiddingly looking away.
'I cannot remember neither my mother nor my father' he started in saying 'when I was one year old, a family friend broke the Fidelius charm over the house we were living in allowing entrance to Voldemort'
He saw both his boys flinching, James fidgeting uneasy at the mention of the breaking of the Fidelius charm.
'He killed my dad first and then my mother who was trying to protect me. She screamed and begged him, but she killed her mercilessly anyway. I heard her screams more than once when Dementors were close to me, and I promise you, it is beyond horrible to hear your mother screaming terrified just before she is about to be killed'
Albus widened his eyes glued on Harry, James winced but still looked somewhere else pretending not to hear.
'He tried to kill me, and he couldn't. Thanks to that I got this damn scar' he said moving his hair from his forehead, so it was very visible to them 'The scar everybody is gaping at, I got it because a dark wizard used the Avada on my parents and on me.' Albus lowered his gaze on the table 'An event that created a twisted sick connection between our minds, giving him access to mine and the other way round'
Albus startled and opened his mouth as to ask something, but Harry was already continuing his tale.
'I've been brought to my uncle and aunt then.' He said pausing a moment to gather his thoughts 'Do you know the closet in our place, the one under the stairs where we keep your Hogwarts' trunks? The one is even too small to keep them both?' he asked, Albus nodded feebly while James was struggling not to betray any interest in the narration.
'That was my room until I was eleven' he admitted with consternation in remembering it.
'My relatives, the only people I had in the whole world, showed me only cruelty and unkindness the seventeen years I spent with them. I never had toys or proper new clothes or anything of my own. Their son who bullied me, beat me and prevented me to make any friends, had everything he wished and more. But that was the least' he said getting warmer at the injustice of that behaviour toward him and, like usual, amazed in realising how miserable his childhood had been compared to his sons' and other children's 'I never had a kind word or encouragement. I was only shunned, insulted, treated like scum. I never had a good night kiss or any tenderness. The first motherly hug I got it from your grandma when I was fourteen!' he said slamming his fists on the table, remembering all those painful moments and it was necessary to be angry now; he needed that push to continue his tale otherwise he would never have been able to continue. He needed that anger to keep imprisoned the forlorn child he had been, the one that couldn't cry and never received an ounce of love down where he needed to stay not to be overwhelmed by his desperate loneliness.
Both of his boys winced. Albus looked desolate and moved his gaze to James that was now deeply uneasy witnessing his father distress.
'When I turned eleven, I found out about my past, I found out that I was famous already; people were gaping at me and at my scar. And I was famous only because of a murder. That first year at Hogwarts I made my first friend. My first. I never had one before! And that year I have seen my parents for the first time in a mirror that shows what we crave most. I didn't even know how they looked like before then'
'And I met Voldemort, stuck in the head of one of my teachers, I had to fight him for the first time, and I almost died. I was eleven. More or less your age, Albus, just to make you appreciate how cool it can possibly be to die at eleven' he said sourly.
'Second year, the chamber of secret had been opened; people were attacked by unknown. I could hear a voice saying ghastly things. I thought I was going mad, and I found out I could speak parseltongue, the whole school did as a matter of fact and everybody thought I was the one attacking people'
'Can you really speak parseltongue? I heard a sixth year…' Albus asked eager, but Harry interrupted him; it was vital to keep going, if he would have stopped there was the risk of not being able to start again.
'I don't know, Albus. I never tried again. So, after your aunt Hermione had been attacked, I found out the voice I was hearing was the one of a Basilisk. I entered the chamber of secret and I had to fight a giant snake that could kill with the power of his eyes. And all of that watching your mum, who had been brought there by Voldemort as a bait, dying slowly under my very eyes and being unable to save her. I miraculously managed to kill the snake, helped by a phoenix that blinded him. I was injured by his venomous fangs however, and again, at twelve I was about to die together with your mum, forgotten down there. Phoenix tears healed me; I didn't read it anywhere. I experienced it' he admitted now under their sons' scrutinising eyes that were looking nowhere but him 'It's not fun to realise you are about to die or to look somebody dying' he uttered bitterly.
'So then, third year.' He continued stern, resuming his walking about the room 'I found out a killer, allegedly Death Eater, wanted to murder me. Dementors are scurrying like mad around the castle making me faint every time I cross their path and forcing me to hear that ghastly scream every single time. Fun, innit?' he said shooting a dark look to them 'I save you particulars, but I found out that killer is my godfather, he was not a killer really but the whole world thought he was. We have been attacked by countless dementors ready to suck our souls from our bodies and I protected me and him casting a patronous that chased them away. I managed to make him flee but with him it went my only hope to leave the Dursley for a house where somebody, finally, would have cared about me. Fat chance. Stuck at the Dursley's'
'Fourth year' and he halted to stare right in their eyes 'and here things really start to be fun and really cool' he said ironically 'before it was a just joke compared to what is coming.' Both James and Albus were astounded, gawking at him.
'So, fourth year. I got picked against my will for the Triwizard tournament. I was fourteen, the other champions seventeen. The whole school hated me, including my only friend, your Uncle Ron, because they thought I was a show-off. Under that weight I got through my tasks and just at the last one, when I thought everything was going to be over…' he slowed his narrative that until then was fast and agitated; he was getting to one of the most difficult part to talk about, almost all his nightmares derived straight from that traumatising event. He took a big breath running a hand in his hair. In his mind all those images were tumbling up one after the other just like in his dreams. It wasn't easy to talk about it, but he must. So, he resumed his speech fast, hardly allowing himself the time to breath, in the hope to get over it as soon as possible 'The cup was a portkey, me and Cedric touched at the same moment. It brought us to a graveyard. He had been killed straight away. The second before alive, the next dead. For no reason at all if not being there by mistake. I've been tied to a tombstone, and I had to witness Voldemort resurrection. This' he said showing James and Albus his right arm, where a long vertical scar was dividing his forearm in two 'is where my blood has been taken to give him a body and I can tell you that nothing' and marking the words slowly and carefully, he repeated 'nothing you will ever see in your life will ever be as horrible, as terrifying, as utterly repulsive as Voldemort resurrection. Nothing'.
James and Albus had their mouth open, aghast.
'He wanted to kill me, in front of all the Death Eater who were scornfully laughing at me. A fourteen-year-old boy, with an injured leg, losing blood, without a hope in the world. Not wanting to die as a coward, I confronted him and due to some ancient wand magic, I managed to get away bringing back Cedric's body. And there, shattered, out of my wits completely, injured and frantic I had to confront the dark wizard who organized the whole thing. I was saved by sheer luck. And I found out then that the Minister didn't believe me. The school thought me deranged because of an article that was written about me. And I was sent in that condition back to the Dursley where I had the chance to meet dementors again'.
He paused heaving another big breath and asking himself if he would have been able to get to the end of his tale.
'Fifth year. Nobody believed me. I was treated like a mad man. At school there was this evil teacher I told you about. The tough punishment I mentioned procured me this.' And as he said he showed them the scar on his hand where "I must not tell lies" could still be read quite clearly 'She made me use a quill that carved words onto my skin instead of onto the paper. And she forced me do it for so long that I got this beautiful scar'
Their sons exchanged each other a horrified look but Harry was oblivious of it, lost in his tale of that painful year.
'For the whole year I could see straight into Voldemort mind while he was killing, attacking and torturing. I was keeping having alluring dreams that brought me straight into a trap. Because of my gullibility I led all my friends to danger and my godfather to death. He was the closest thing to a parent I've ever got. Dead because of my stupidity…' he reflected, pausing and resting his hands on the table burdened by dark remembrances.
'Voldemort entered my mind that day; he wanted to force Dumbledore to kill him through me. It's not nice to have your mind broken in. You feel somehow violated' he said under his voice but then shaking off the uneasiness, continued.
'The good thing is that I manged to push him away and the Minister, getting there at that moment, saw him. I was cleared by the stigma of insanity. The magical community was warned finally.'
'Sixth year' he said stretching his neck, starting to feel tired beyond belief 'my last Hogwarts year'
'Last?' James asked surprised.
'Yes, last. I'm a drop out, James' he answered staring hard at him, under which he lowered his.
'Dumbledore started to train me to fight Voldemort because in the meantime I found out that he or me has to go. And I obviously hoped to be me the one surviving despite we are speaking about a sixteen-year-old kid with scarce magical ability against a powerful dark wizard. Well, trying to keep panic under control, I start this fun journey in Voldemort past, and I found out why he didn't die when he tried to kill me, and why he cannot die'
'How did he manage?' Albus asked eager.
'That I cannot tell you' that secret was not going to be disclosed for any reason.
'That year, trying to neutralize Voldemort's protection, I witnessed Dumbledore's death, another person who was almost like a parent. Ah, incidentally, it happened soon after I had almost been dragged in a lake by inferi' James and Albus gaped.
'On a happier note, that year I got finally together with your mother'
Albus sat up smiling.
'But I've been forced to break up with her just a few months later because I didn't want to endanger her' Albus smile vanished quickly.
'From now on, I've seen so many people dear to me dying that there is not point doing a list. That year me, your uncle Ron and your aunt Hermione started our mission to neutralize all that made Voldemort immortal. It had been dreadful. We were continually endangered of death. The ministry had been taken over and we were hunted down like criminals. People were disappearing and being tortured, I had continually glimpse of it through my connection with Voldemort's mind. I was leaving in fear to discover that your mother was dead. We were alone and afraid, always on the move. This is another little present I got from those amazing years.' and pronouncing that word sardonically, he took out swiftly his t-shirt were on his chest there was still the mark left by the Horcrux 'A powerful dark object that we had to always keep around our neck and influenced our minds viciously. Hemione had to severe it from my body when I was unconscious because it was trying to kill me. I returned to Hogwarts to fulfil my research. The final battle started to rage, a battle to which I didn't participated because I was still proceeding with my mission. People died to protect me while I was scurrying in the castle with very little hope to succeed. Well then, I finally came to the realisation that the only obstacle to kill him was me. I had to die in order to make him mortal'
He halted remembering all the pain of that realisation and all the longing for a life he had to abandon, the difficult choice he had been forced to take.
'I walked toward death, without saying goodbye to anybody. I had to find the strength to walk toward what, I knew, it was my end' he said his gaze lost in front of him, oblivious again of his sons with a horror-struck expression on their faces.
'I allowed him to hit me with the Avada but, as sixteen years previously, I didn't die and finally, after a life on the edge of death, I succeeded in finish him off.' Tailing off his tale he got back to himself and looked at James and Albus still with their mouth half open.
The silence fell in the room grave and absolute. He broke it to say:
'All this I told you it hasn't been fun. It hasn't been an adventure. It was not amazing!' he said severely glaring straight into their eyes 'It was scary, and painful, and deeply traumatizing and I would have given anything not to have to go through it. But I never had any choice'
'You have no idea for how many years I got horrifying nightmares with him coming back and killing your mother and later on you' he said looking at James 'because you were the dearest things I had. And when you were born' addressing Albus 'It was the same'
'You have no idea how long it took me to be free of fears and nightmares. How long it took me to return to a normal life, which has never been really because while I was trying with all my might to forget everything and leaving it behind, everybody kept harassing me about it, wanting to have it told as if something entertaining instead of traumatizing, continually reminded and hunted by it. I'm persecuted daily by people who won't leave me alone to live my life, idealising me and trying to use me for petty reasons.'
'And what is really astounding in the whole of it and I'm really proud of, it is not me defeating Voldemort that had just been a combination of some flukes and different kinds of helps from people more skilled and intelligent than me but, that despite all I went through, I succeeded in having a normal life not going insane or paranoid. I married the woman I love, and I had you two.' He said pointing at them. He was revealing something that he had just realised.
He resumed almost under his voice, eviscerating for the first time this feeling which he knew Dumbledore would have been proud of 'The most amazing thing is that I succeeded in not losing my ability to get attached to people in general and you two in particular. Despite I lost many people dear to me, and I'm aware that any of you could disappear any seconds from this world, I have been bold enough to care for you. It would have been safer not to do it anymore to protect me from future pain, but I decided to find the courage to build up a family.'
He slumped on a chair running his hand in his hair exhausted by the effect of all these confessions over him.
He took the t-shirt from the floor and wore it back under the perturbed gaze of his sons.
'I was as scared as shit when you were born, James' he continued looking fleetingly toward him, feeling uneasy and unsure in revealing that much 'I was afraid to screw up; you were so small and needy, and I felt so unprepared. Probably I haven't been the best of fathers, but god knows I've tried. I was only twenty-two at the time. I was a kid raising a kid. But I've always cared for you with all myself. Perhaps I haven't been effusive on that respect and you perceived me as distant but it's not the case. I know I have been a better father for Lily and hopefully I'll be even better for the one is about to come, I'm aware you got the short end of the stick, I'm sorry for it but when you say that I don't care, that is utter rubbish' he concluded half smiling to his son who was now looking away but not out of a scowl as before but out of pure embarrass.
He nodded feebly.
Harry stood up busying himself with the kettle to let his son time to pull himself together and to do likewise. In the meanwhile, he could perceive Albus' gaze on his back bursting with repressed longing of questioning him.
When tea was ready, feeling more assured, he got back to his chair, 'So' he said cheerfully as a prelude blowing on his tea 'Question time. You can ask me anything and unless I've got a very good reason not to do so, I'll answer it'
His sentence was barely at an end that Albus was already asking eager 'Is it true that you broke in a Gringotts' vault, and you escaped on the back of a dragon?'
'Yes, it's true' he said sniggering amused by his eagerness 'The dragon was imprisoned there as a defence, and it was almost blind the poor beast.'
His answer was not finish yet that another question was tumbling up.
'Is it true that you killed the basilisk with the Gryffindor sword?'
'Yes, it is tr…'
'Is it true that you saved Uncle Ron from mermaids in the Hogwarts' Lake?'
'Yes, it was one of the t….'
'Is it true that...' 'Blimey, Albus! Let him bloody finish the sentence!' James bellowed nudging him hard.
'Sorry' he mumbled sheepishly but Harry, sensing the trepidation, encouraged him 'Go on. What were you about to ask?'
'Is it true that you are an Animagus and can transform in a hippogriff?'
Harry burst out laughing 'A hippogriff?! It'd be bloody fantastic! Unfortunately, not though. Who told you that?'
'A guy in Hufflepuff' he replied coyly. James, profiting of the momentarily silence, shooting a warning glance to Albus to avoid any interruption, asked keen:
'Why was it necessary of your dying to finish You-know-who off?'
Harry hesitated a moment not sure how much to reveal at first but then he decided to enlighten his boys with this information to show his trust in them 'I had a part of Voldemort's soul inside me. That had to go by his hand otherwise he could never have been killed. He would have kept on living inside me.'
James and Albus gaped horrified.
'So, you had You-know-who's soul in…' Albus gabbled and gulped unable to finish the question.
'Yes, just a tiny bit'
'And is it gone now?' Albus asked terrified.
'Yes, it is gone'
'Are you sure?'
'Dead sure' he said sipping his tea 'Obviously I'd be glad if you wouldn't go shouting it around. It's very confidential what I told you. It must remain a secret' he added as a safe measure.
James and Albus were silent for a moment, astounded by this piece of information. James, awaking from his dark reverie, determinate, broke it.
'What happened during Christmas holiday when you have been alone with mum?'
Harry raised his eyebrows and answered severely 'That's between me and your mum' but then in a fit of wickedness he continued 'Actually, now that I think of it, it's high time to explain you what happened'
James was surprised 'Really? What happened?'
'We had sex'
James and Albus reddened immediately to the roots of their hair.
'Generally, that's how people make children, you know' he continued amused by their faces 'And the time is come to have a serious conversation about it'
James sprang from his chair and bolt to the door, but Harry had been quicker. He took out his wand and with a flick a click could be heard. The door was now locked.
James grasped the knob trying to turn it frantically 'Dad, please, open the door! I know everything already' he begged flushing madly.
'Let's see how much you know' he said smiling absolutely unmoved by his begging 'We may even find out that you know more than I do.'