Chapter 14 - From now on you must strive for happiness

Ginny was sleeping on Harry's side. Her silhouette was barely perceptible against the little light coming from the window. Harry couldn't sleep. It had taken him an enormous effort when Ginny had been back, cheerful, and chatty from an afternoon spent with Luna, to hide from her what found out that evening.
Ted was already gone by the time she got home leaving Harry in a stupor. Hearing Sunrise's laugh he had grown scared so suddenly and intensely that from the other room she stopped laughing abruptly and after a faltering moment, she had called him with a fretting little voice full of tears, and that mirror of his own fright worsened his state in a flash. He darted from the chair backing away from that voice while Sunrise burst into tears. Being in the other room he couldn't see her as she couldn't see him and the awareness of it proved Ted's point beyond any possible misconception.
Ted's ice blue gaze was on him preoccupied but as Sunrise kept calling Harry clearly terrified, Ted disappeared from the kitchen to tend to her as Harry was totally uncapable to move.
When Ted was back with Sunrise, she had a congested red face and as soon as she saw him, outstretched her arms wanting to be hold by him. Ted moved one or two steps in his direction but impulsively Harry backed away in a fit of terror almost tripping on a chair behind him and moved quickly against the wall.
Sensing it Sunrise grew even more afraid and started to yell for Harry between tears, but more her fears heightened sensing Harry's one, more Harry's fear soared realising it.
Suddenly he couldn't bear the thought to touch her, afraid of consequences he didn't even know, his brain reeling so furiously had stopped working completely and could only remember his younger self annihilated by the Dark Lord burst of fury.
Ted seeing the situation was getting out of hands quickly didn't come any closer, called Harry's name, barely audible submerged by Sunrise wiping and shrieking, but Harry managed only to shake his head frantically in reply.
'Ok.' Ted said steadily 'I'll take her to bed. You calm down. We will talk it over. But calm down' he said rocking her who, distraught, was flailing to reach Harry 'Sit down and calm yourself' he ordered before leaving the room striving to keep Sunrise in his arms who was yelling madly now seeing herself being taken away from Harry.
Her yells echoed in the empty house as Harry was in an utter black out. He realised he was shacking, and it scared him even more. Sunrise shrieks heightened and Harry maturing the knowledge that it was him who was provoking them, forced himself to regain control. He took a big breath endeavouring to fight the fright and, in an impulse, flung toward the window, slammed it open and stuck his head outside in the wintery night filling his lungs with that cold air.
His fingers clasping the windowsill became fast numb but the chill of the night on his seething spirit was helping cooling down his mind.
He withdrew from the window going toward the sink and opening the tub splashed his face a few times.
The yelling from upstairs was fading and he fought again against the urge to be terrified of it. Instead, he sat down and, taking the green rug Sunrise was playing with only minutes before, rubbed his face with it.
Freeing his mind from thoughts had never been his speciality but he tried at that moment understanding the necessity of it. Taking big breath after big breath forced his mind in emptying and perhaps because of the shock, perhaps because of the icy air filling the room from the open window, he plunged in a hypnotic state while Sunrise stifled crying was getting fainter and fainter.
Ted found him sitting on a chair, listless, half an hour later.
He sighed, closed the kitchen's door behind him and went to close the window also.
'She is asleep' he only said, and Harry nodded in acknowledgment not looking up.
Ted went to the counter and filled the kettle for a tea. None of the two spoke while the water was boiling up.
The kettle's whistle broke the quietness of the room awaking Harry from his hypnotic state in a startle. He clasped his head in his hands and roared in frustration 'Ted, what the fuck is going on?' he snarled enraged.
The green rug was still on his lap, he grasped it and throw it impetuously on the floor springing up from his chair and, combating the urge of kicking that also, started to pace the room.
'What the fuck is going on?' he yelled again to vent out that frustration that was getting out of control very quickly.
Ted was calmly pouring the hot water in two cups not paying any attention to Harry raging in the room.
But Harry was quickly losing his lucidity and, trapped in his rage brought up by shock and fear, lunged toward Ted. He got him from the collar of his jumper slamming him against the wall 'What's going on?' he snarled his eyes flashing.
Ted didn't answer, didn't even flinch. Not intimidated at all stared steadily back straight into his eyes and there was something in that stare that was turning quite dark all of sudden, something quite baleful, something Harry wasn't accustomed to see there that brought him back to senses in a second.
As if touching burning coals, he let go of Ted straight away.
'I'm sorry' he muttered.
'It's quite alright' Ted replied composedly, straightening his jumper and shrugging his shoulders.
'I'm sorry' Harry repeated mortified.
'It's ok, don't worry' Ted replied with a smile, his eyes of a limpid reassuring ice blue like usual 'Do you wanna a cuppa?' he said tilting his head in direction of the tea.
Harry nodded and dropped again on his chair.
Ted putted in front of him a cup of fuming tea and sat likewise blowing on his own.
The silence stretched again and Harry, resting his elbows on the table, prodded his feverish head on his hands.
'Why didn't I move away when I got the chance? I should have stayed away from Ginny for her own good. I should have saved her and Sunrise from myself' he mumbled darkly.
'You forget that if you did Sunny wouldn't exist' Ted replied sipping his tea.
'Nor James' he added.
'Nor Albus' he continued.
But not receiving an answer from Harry who was still in his despondency, went on 'And Ginny with any probability would have ended up back with Dean Thomas'
Harry looked up suddenly.
'Or perhaps with that Quidditch player… What's his name?' he asked frowning in reflection blowing again on his tea 'Phil H…'
Harry interrupted him sharply 'I'm glad I stayed'
Ted sniggered followed by Harry who sat back against his chair more at easy 'Ok fire away. I'm ready to listen composedly to your theories which I'm sure will be very pleasant and comforting.' He said ironically tucking his arms behind his head to stretch his stiffened muscles.
Ted smiled sadly 'I'm sure I don't need to explain them. I'm sure you have already a pretty clear idea of my theories on the matter'
Harry sighed wearily. The answer had always been there, despite the confusion felt.
Ted arched his eyebrows 'There were many quite violent and clashing feelings involved' referring to that event never really acknowledged fully between each other which Harry always hoped to be able to forget but never did.
He took his cup and brought it to his mouth listening to Ted's words.
'I'm not an expert of this kind of magic. It's old and it's a branch not much explored or known but it could be an explanation.'
Harry's mind was brought back to what Dumbledore at told him about the protection casted unwarily on him from his mother when she died to protect him. That was old magic too.
Although he was also an Auror and, despite not being a great reader, his knowledge about dark magic was extended (he was of the mind that to fight something you must possess a throughout understanding of it) and this was very similar to something he had read. Something he had canvassed amply with Hermione and Ron many years back.
Lost in this gloomy elucubration almost forgot about Ted's presence who was observing him archly.
'It is not'
His voice fluttered in the room making him startle. It was such a direct answer to his doubt that for a moment he thought to have imagined it.
'What?'
'It is not a Horcrux'
This answer left Harry greatly bemused; as far as he knew nobody knew about Horcrux beside himself, Hermione, Ron and recently Ginny. It was not part of the common knowledge being a very dark branch of magic.
The puzzlement on his face was so marked that Ted felt impelled in explaining himself.
'Hermione told me about it. I asked her to lend me the books in her possession and I studied them thoroughly'
'Why? When? How?' Harry stammered dumbfounded.
Ted sniggered 'There were some points not very clear to me about the Voldemort bringing down and I wanted the explore the matter in depth. If you want to understand a person you must dig in his past and…'
'Did you want to understand about Voldemort?' Harry interrupted baffled.
Ted paused to look at him 'I wanted to understand you.' He said in the end.
Harry was taken aback and felt exposed under that gaze. He was about to ask why Ted never asked him instead of Hermione but then relinquished the question. The why was obvious even to him. He wouldn't have answered.
So instead, he asked with a lighter tone in which it was easy to detect some irritation 'So when did you start to indagate on my past, if I am allowed to know?'
That irritation was misplaced. It was only his fault if Ted had been obliged to look for other means to know about him as he was very well aware, nevertheless he didn't manage to hide it. The thought to be an object of study didn't please him.
Ted took his cup turning it in his hands 'When I started to go to Hogwarts'
'At eleven Hermione told you about Horcrux?' he asked bewildered.
Ted shrugged 'Why not?'
Harry frowned unconvinced. It was true that Ted at eleven was very different from James and Albus at the same age; he had always been a mature boy since he could remember. His childhood if ever had been, was over very quickly and was rarely seen playing with other children of his own age mingling instead with adults listening attentively to their conversations, silly or serious they were without exception but still, to Harry, it seemed a bit early at eleven to know about murders and splitting of souls. Apparently, Hermione wasn't of the same mind.
'Anyway, I asked for the books only recently' he continued 'When I started to understand about this connection between you and Sunny, I wanted to get to the bottom of it. And it's not Horcrux'
'How do you know?' he asked suspicious.
Ted sat back on his chair pensively, his cup still in his hands 'Because' he started weighing his words 'first of all you must kill to create one'
Harry looked at him darkly 'Ted, let's not play naïve here. We both know I killed people.'
Ted looked away uneasy, but Harry knew he was very well aware of the thing despite it had never been admitted openly.
A few times he had been obliged to do it; it was a possibility when fighting against dangerous individuals. He always tried to avoid it whenever possible.
He was part of the Winzegamot being the head of his department and he had a say on the matter but abiding by the law and with a fair trial.
Therefore, he tried to avoid it. However, he knew that if the situation got out of hands, it was his duty to act, hesitation could prove fatal and in such moments was essential to put his scruples aside and intervene to end it with the least possible casualties. And it could be obtained only dirtying his hands.
'That doesn't count' Ted continued clearing his voice. Harry knew he condemned to whole thing, but he couldn't allow this to make him falter in what was his duty.
'You should have done it in that occasion, uttering a spell. It needs to have intention, to be merciless and without scruples. And I'm sure it is not your case' he continued steadily bringing back his eyes on him.
And that much was true. He never relished in it; he didn't enjoy at all. It always left him with a sense of bitterness and on every occasion, for some strange reason, Ted's opinion weighted on his shoulders. Those people, more often than not, had been subjected to many unpleasant experiences like lack of love in infancy, abuses, troubled past who made them what they were.
Spookily similar to his own past. So then why he had managed to grow up following the right path and they didn't? What was the difference?
It must have been their fault. They chose what to become. He encouraged himself with this consideration when such a moment occurred to prod himself to do what he knew it must be done. And yet there was always a moment before life abandoned their eyes, a very short one, in which it seemed possible to see in their soul just before everything ended and he could see their fear for the unknown that united all mankind.
It wasn't pleasant.
'What happened to Voldemort in your regards had been only because he pushed the thing too far.'
He took a sip from his cup 'and let's not forget the only way to invert the process of splitting soul is remorse. Even in case unwarily you created one it would have been dissolved a moment later'
Harry reflected on his words and was reminded of Hermione explaining him and Ron the same thing. And he could admit now, after having experimented it, that remorse was indeed one of the most painful things he had endured.
'I think it's more similar to what happened in regards of you mother'
'Do you know that too?!' Harry snapped unnerved.
'Yes, Harry. I told you. I made some thorough research and instead of being vexed you should thank me' Ted retorted reprovingly.
Harry grunted and folded his arms on his chest offended in being told off by a boy that didn't grow a proper beard yet 'I don't like it' he muttered grumpily.
Ted laughed 'Well, it's coming handy now. Isn't it?'
But then regaining his pensive demeanour retrieved his considerations almost as if Harry wasn't there.
'What your mum has done was not planned, she wasn't even aware of it. It just happened because of these strong feelings she was living at that moment. A strong love surely but also fear and hope to be able to save you. The emotional charge was very strong'
He paused and looked in his cup where the amber liquid was tepid now 'I guess it happened the same with you.' He said his gaze fluttering toward him worriedly knowing he was about to say something not very pleasant to hear 'All that hate and wish to hurt her' he said knitting his eyebrows together and looking away fiddling with the cup 'you wanted her to feel what you were feeling' he continued resting the cup on the table uneasy while Harry was hunched on himself under the weight of his words.
'But at the same time' he continued brightening, full of purpose 'The remorse, the sorrow that united you, the love you felt for her. All this mixed colliding feelings in a moment in which you were creating a new life! It left a trace, I suppose and surely being her a seer, therefore, more sensitive than normal people, it was enhanced' he concluded.
Harry sighed running a hand in his hair. All what Ted had said made sense but not for that reason was making it better.
He shook his head dismayed 'This is worse than anything, Ted. Do you realise what it means?'
Harry's mind was never at ease, strong emotions were part of his life. Sunrise was destined to a life of torments only because his life had been full of torments that were still racking him now.
Ted, however, smiled serenely. 'Quite so, Harry. It means that from now on you must strive for happiness.'

They talked for sometimes after that sentence canvassing the meaning and working of such a connection, but it was difficult to explore. None of the two had enough knowledge on the matter and Sunrise was still too small to answer questions about it. They could only wait and see how it developed. Ted had strongly advised him to talk it over with Ginny, but Harry was against it and had forbidden Ted to mention it to any living soul.
This was something that must have kept secret at any cost.
His sensible part was always suggesting him the right thing to do, and in this case, it would have been to affront it with Ginny. Ginny was intelligent, loved him and didn't condemn him. Surely, she would have been supportive in this occasion like she had always been in his regards. Harry knew all of it and would have loved to be able to abandon himself to this knowledge but there was also the dark part of him always ready likewise to instil doubts and fears. What if, reminding of what he had done, discovering he had crippled their daughter with it, she would realise he wasn't such a good person after all? What if she had ceased to love him?
He wasn't ready to take that risk. He needed time to absorb it and he nurtured this unavailing hope as well that Sunrise would grow out of it.
When Ted was gone, he had gone to check on Sunrise. She was sleeping soundly, the imprint of her tears still on her cheeks. He watched her for some time enshrouded in gloom, a gloom he knew from then on wasn't going to afflict only himself.