Chapter 6

Ana

I'm startled awake by the sound of footsteps. I must have fallen asleep waiting. Downton Abbey is still playing in the background, and my phone screen orients me to the time. 12:23. I hear activity in the kitchen, so I haul myself off the couch to find him.

"Cam?"

He turns as he's rummaging in the fridge, smiling widely. "Hi, darling. I didn't think you'd be up."

"There's leftovers for you," I mutter, pointing towards the container on the top shelf I'd labeled for him.

"You're the best." He pops it in the microwave and walks around the island, cupping my face and giving me a kiss.

I loop my arms around his waist and look up at his green eyes. I feel like it's been so long since I've gotten to hold him. Besides looking a little tired, he seems like he doesn't have a care in the world. It's funny how looking into his eyes makes me feel the opposite of seen, because I feel like I'm doing all the worrying for both of us. "Long day," I comment, noting the time.

"We were on such a roll. I barely even noticed it get dark," he says jovially. The microwave beeps and he kisses the top of my head before slipping out of my grasp. "How come you're up?"

"I was hoping to catch you. I think we need to talk about some things."

He yawns and takes a bite of his food. "Can it wait until tomorrow? I'm kind of beat, babe."

I take a deep breath and square my shoulders. "That's part of it, actually. I never see you anymore. We don't spend any real time together. You're always working, and I'm always just sitting here waiting for you."

He looks at me, perplexed. "Ana, babe, we just had dinner together this week. We go to events all the time."

"Business dinner. Business events. We're always posturing. We never get to be just Cam and Ana."

"I make sure to kiss you goodbye every morning!"

"Yes, so the bulk of the time I'm seeing you, we're either smiling for cameras and strangers or you're telling me goodbye. I can't keep this up forever, Cam. Something has to change."

"I'm just working hard, Ana. This business is always evolving. And besides, look at how fortunate we are now. I'm trying to give you the world."

"I don't want the world. I want you around. People keep asking me about our wedding plans and I don't know what to say because we're never in the same room long enough to talk about getting married."

"You can pick whatever wedding you want, Ana, I'll sign any deposit."

"That's not the point. I want a wedding we planned together, you know, like we used to plan things together? And I want a marriage where I actually see my husband. I've never dreamed of becoming a trophy wife. Please tell me this isn't us." My voice breaks on the last word, and I feel tears gathering in my eyes.

He sighs and sets his food down, coming around again and wrapping his arms around my shoulders from behind. "I'm sorry, I know things have been crazy. I'll try to be home earlier and think about wedding stuff, okay?"

I sniffle. "Cam, this is really important to me."

"I know, babe, I hear you." He kisses my cheek. "Is that all?"

A part of me feels like that conversation was dismissed a little too quickly, but I'm distracted by the next topic. "Not quite…" Anxiety prickles in my chest. "I have to tell you something."

He returns to his spot on the other side of the island, casually going back to his food. "Okay. What is it?"

"Do you remember Christian Grey?"

"Of course I do. He's a legend. And he won't answer any of our calls."

"I… I know him better than I made it sound like I did." He cocks his head to the side, not understanding. I inhale slowly. "I told you that I'd never been in a serious relationship with anyone before you?"

"Yeah?"

"Well… it wasn't serious, but I did have a… relationship, of sorts, with Christian Grey."

"You guys were friends?" His eyes widen, and he sounds almost excited.

I shake my head. "No… no, it was a sexual relationship."

He looks at me, bewildered. He doesn't say anything for a bit, and I can almost hear the wheels turning. "When?"

"Seven years ago. The very end of my senior year to just a week or so after."

"So, like… a couple weeks?"

"Yes, more or less."

"Oh." He takes the last bite of his food and sets the dish in the sink.

"What do you think of all this?" I ask cautiously.

He shrugs. "I mean… it's not like he's in love with you."

I blink a few times, processing this. "What?"

"You just don't really seem like his type, babe, that's all. And if it was years ago for a couple weeks, that's basically nothing. I feel like a guy like him has had a million of them."

This is not where I saw honesty and transparency going. Somehow, I feel worse now. "No. He's not in love with me." I don't know what else to say.

"Do you think you guys could become more friendly now? I thought I'd have to lobby with Kate and Elliot, but you might be my way into his good graces, Ana." He's talking excitedly, not even looking at me, spinning this whole web of social capital in his head.

"I… don't know. I saw his sister at Kate's party. She asked if we might want to have dinner with the Grey family sometime, but he probably wouldn't be there."

He whips his head around to look at me, finally. "What?! When was this? How have you not mentioned this?"

I want to rip my hair out. "Jesus Christ, Cam, do you have the memory of a goldfish? Because I haven't seen you. I'm telling you now, when I am seeing you, now that I've added some context as to why Mia Grey might speak to me."

"How does his sister know you? You said it was just sex?"

"It was, mostly. He took me to dinner at his parents' house once." Oh, and according to his sister, he said I'm his biggest mistake.

"So… you guys were, like, friends with benefits. Oh shit, Ana, you are so in. He came up and talked to you at that one event! You have to get us that dinner invite. And see if you can make him come, too."

"What? I can't make him do anything. We're not friends, Cam. I don't talk to him. Mia said he's really busy and he doesn't usually stop for things like family dinner."

He scratches his chin. "Okay, okay… maybe getting in with Mia and the parents is a good first step. Proximity. You are my lucky charm, babe." He bounds over to me and kisses me again, longer this time. Now that you're useful. "I'm super tired. Coming to bed?"

"I will later," I murmur. I hear him tell me good night, and I smile in his direction, letting it slip as soon as he's out of the room.

What. The. Fuck.

Let's recap. My all but estranged fiancé wants me to become all buddy-buddy with my ex-Dom's sister so he can become professionally linked to said ex-Dom. Of course, he doesn't know all the unsavory details. He thinks we were friends with benefits.

What a trip that would have been. I don't think about my friends the way I used to think about Christian Grey.

Sleep is sure to evade me now.

If I'm honest with myself, I don't know if the lack of quality time with Cam is the main thing that's bothering me. It's definitely a major factor, and yes, I feel very isolated, but maybe a large part of that is also because I'm used to working and running a business. Why am I boxing myself in like this? A break was nice for about a month or so, but here we are, six months later, and I'm still in my self-imposed exile.

Deep down, I know why. But I can't be so afraid of branching out just because old memories might be laying around. This is where we are now, and this is where we seem to be staying.

I turn my head back to the episode that's still playing just as Maggie Smith's character is delivering some sage advice. "Edith, dear. You're a woman with a brain and reasonable ability. Stop whining and find something to do."

Maybe it's time I do the same.

"Welcome!" The gray-haired woman behind the counter greets me warmly as I duck in from the rain. "Nice and dry in here," she adds.

"Thank goodness," I laugh. "I forgot how bad it gets."

"New to Seattle?" she asks politely. She's wearing a dark blue cashier's apron that says 'White Whale Bookshop' on it. I had thought that one of my happy places might be a good first step to trying to find my place here. Baby steps.

"I was here years ago, but yes, new again. I don't remember this shop."

"We're just coming up on five years," she says proudly.

I smile. "Congratulations."

"Let me know if you need help with anything."

I thank her and begin to peruse the aisles, breathing in that beautiful old book smell. It seems I'm the only one here right now besides the shopkeeper. In one corner, there are two green velvet armchairs, inviting any customer to curl up with their new purchase. The collection here is interesting. You can tell there's quite a personal touch from the seller. As I reach the end of one aisle, I'm shocked to see a very familiar cover next to a sign that says 'White Whale Recommends.' I pick it up, smiling wistfully.

"Oh, that one is amazing! I couldn't put it down. I found this author on a trip to the East Coast. Have you heard of her?"

I nod. "Yes. This must be a very small world."

"Oh, I take it you're a fan?"

"More than a fan. I owned a publishing company in Boston before I came here. I published this." I open the front cover and run my fingers over the name. Rainy Day Publishing Co. Boston, MA.

She gasps excitedly. "Oh my goodness! That's fascinating. I selfishly hope you're in the process of opening something up here?"

I put the book back down on its display. "I'm not sure yet."

"Do you have any connections in town that might aid in starting a business?"

I want to laugh. I have far too many business connections in this town. "I think I could do it again. I'm just not sure if that's my path yet."

"Well, I applaud a woman with an entrepreneurial spirit. It took me about thirty years too long to get up the courage to open up this old place!"

I look around at the high ceilings, books all the way to the top. "It's certainly a special spot. How did you decide to finally do it?"

She leans against the counter, looking pensive. "My husband died. All of a sudden, I had all this time on my hands and plenty of holes in my heart to fill, and I realized I'd spent most of my life following one step behind him. Now, he was the love of my life, and I'd happily do it again, but there is something to be said for doing something all on your own. I'm sure Stan would have supported me if he'd known I ever wanted something like this, but it just didn't cross my mind before. Life has a way of getting away from you." Her eyes are drawn to my left hand. "But look at you! Looks like you've found someone to love, and you've had your own success. That must feel so wonderful."

I try to smile, but I think my face just twists itself up instead. "I'm sure on paper it looks great."

"Oh dear. It's like that, is it?"

I'm not sure I should be spilling my guts to this nice lady any further. She is technically at work. I change the subject. "Is there anything you haven't done yet that you'd like to?"

"Well… I'd love a little coffee shop in this place. The spot next door just went out of business, so in my silly little dreams, I'm knocking down a wall and having a whole operation. But come on, this is Seattle. The market is saturated with coffee shops. It's not terribly original."

I look to the wall she's referring to, and I imagine a wide open space. Maybe it's all the period pieces I've been watching during my confinement, but an idea hits me. "What about a tea room?"

Her face lights up. "Oh gosh, that'd be even better! I love the idea of folks discussing their latest reads over tea."

"You could have a monthly book club that centered over a discussion with high tea. That would be bound to increase book sales. You'd get people in the door so they could feel all that pomp and circumstance, and then they'd want to browse more."

She sighs. "I'd love it. I just don't think I could take out another loan to make it real."

I turn to look at her. "I might be able to help you with that." I've been sitting on a nest egg since I sold my company that's done nothing but collect interest.

Her eyes widen in shock, then she laughs. "My dear, I'm a perfect stranger to you. Why would you want to do that?"

I look around the room again. I'm not an impulsive person, but I just get a feeling of sincerity from being in here. It makes me want to stay. "I guess I just don't want any more of life to get away from me. What's your name?"

"Iris."

I meet her at the counter and hold my hand out. "I'm Ana. Now we're not strangers."

She shakes my hand, then her head. "Ana, you can't really be serious."

"I'm not writing you a check now, if that's what you mean. But give me your information, and I'll do some research and see if it looks like it makes sense. Of course, only if you're interested. This is your shop, and you've done beautiful things with it. Don't let me swoop in and pressure you."

"I'm… I'm certainly interested." She opens a drawer and pulls out a pen and some paper, jots some things down, and slides it to me. "More than I can say. Contact me anytime. I hope I see you again."

"Thank you, Iris. So do I." As I leave the shop, I almost want to start skipping. Already, this day has been more diverting than any I've had in a while.

I think back to my conversation with Cam last night. It's been less than 24 hours, so I'm not sure if there will be any change yet. It would be so novel for us to have dinner together tonight, in our own home, away from the eyes of the public. But the only dinner he'd mentioned was one with the Greys.

I feel torn. I really did like Mia, and I feel like it would be a breeze to form a friendship with her. And the more I think about it, I have no realistic reason to avoid contact with this family. Christian keeps approaching me, so I doubt it would make him uncomfortable. It's true that I myself could use some friends and allies, and Cam does have interest in closing a certain Grey gap. Is it unsupportive of me as his partner to not do what I can to help?

And one could also argue that my partner hasn't been particularly present or supportive lately.

But all of that aside, what do I want? I can't dictate my movements based on how I spent less than a month of my life seven years ago. He asked me point blank if I wanted him to leave me alone cold turkey like he did all these years, and I just couldn't find a reason to say yes. It seems unfair to expect him to restrict himself just because I might be in the room. And I also couldn't say no. Silly as it is, he does something to my nerves that I can't describe, and it's not an entirely pleasant feeling.

He probably won't be at dinner. I doubt he's tracking me like he used to. Like Cam so eloquently said, it's not like he's in love with me. Strangely, maybe that's what brought us here in the first place. But that's a silly thought if there ever was one. In his own words, he didn't have a heart.

Before I can overthink any further, I tap the newest contact in my phone and it begins to ring. She answers with no preamble. "This is a surprise. I was hoping I'd hear from you."

"Hey, Mia. Is that dinner still an option?"

A/N: Don't expect all my updates to be this fast. Hope you're enjoying! xo