Thanks for stopping by! I don't own anything you recognize, and very little else. Sorry for any mistakes!
xxxx
"What happens if you can't save someone?"
Chloe sighed, still picking at the label on the bottle of beer she was drinking. "Well of course I can't save everyone. And…it's not me doing the saving of course, I'm just the messenger."
Beca rolled her eyes. "Yeah, I know that. But what do you do, personally, if you can't save someone? How do you deal?"
The redhead finally met her friend's curious gaze. She signed again and shrugged. "It sucks. When someone chooses to reject the light and love we have to offer. I try not to take it personally, or feel like I failed. You humans and your dang free will."
Beca smiled at Chloe's attempt at levity. "How anyone could resist you, I'll never know." she said with a wink. "But you're an angel, like a legit, other worldly being. Why can't you just show your wings to everyone. Surely they'd believe you then."
Chloe smiled. "We're really only supposed to be on full display in the most extreme circumstances. More than even life and death. Like, actual, good versus evil battle type stuff. We're pretty indestructible, but sometimes we face things that are…also pretty indestructible. So you, Beca Mitchell, are one of the lucky few who have gotten to see me in all my winged glory."
The redhead winked at her friend. A heaviness seemed to have settled on the pair however.
"You couldn't have saved him." Beca said softly. "I mean, you could see it in his eyes, there was no stopping him. He had already made his choice by the time we got there."
"I could've…Well there was one other thing I could have done…could have tried anyway." Chloe replied, eyes once again drilling into the label on the bottle in her hands. "I could have shown him what he'd be missing. Some people just have to see it ya know? They can't believe it just hearing…they have to see it. I could have done that."
"Why didn't you?" Beca asked, leaning closer across the booth.
Chloe finally met her gaze again and smiled sadly. "Because I'm selfish." She replied with a shrug. "And a coward. To show him…I would have to make a huge sacrifice and I just…I couldn't."
"What kind of sacrifice?" the brunette asked, her brow knitting in confusion. Chloe had proven herself to be the most selfless person she had ever known. "Like, lay down your life, kind of sacrifice?"
Chloe chuckled. "Not exactly. Not physically anyway. But I'd lose my immortality."
Beca choked and coughed around the swig of beer she had just taken. "Shit, seriously?"
The redhead nodded and smiled sadly. "Sure, I'd still be an angel, wings and all. Just…definitely not indestructible anymore. Some guardian angel I am, too chickenshit to actually step up when it really matters."
"But then that would be it." The brunette replied, squaring her shoulders. "And you wouldn't be able to help anyone else the way you've helped so many others. The way you helped me. And it's like you said, free will."
Chloe shrugged and nodded thoughtfully. "I know you're right. I do. Just still stings a little when someone chooses the darkness and suffering. When they could be at peace…"
Beca smiled at her friend and reached for her hand. "And that is exactly why you can't quit. You care. So you know you can't make that sacrifice when there are so many souls who need your guidance…your light. Don't fucking beat yourself up."
Chloe sighed, appreciating her friend's attempts to cheer her up. "I'd do it for you though. In a second, no questions asked."
Beca blushed with a small smile before huffing out a breath, her cheeks expanding comically. Chloe laughed, knowing the brunette was uncomfortable with emotions and displays of affection. When Beca met her eye again, Chloe tipped her beer bottle toward her friend with a wink. Beca smiled widely and signaled the bartender for another round.
xxxx
Chloe continued to show up at Perkatory for her daily dose of coffee and pastry, only to then show up again at the end of the work day to help Aubrey close up shop. And every evening, Chloe invited her out for a drink after.
Aubrey held strong and refused for nearly another week. Aubrey still wanted to say no. She wanted to go home and collapse into her bed alone like she did every night. But for some reason, the sincerity she saw shining in Chloe's kind eyes had her second guessing. On the sixth night of closing shop together, Aubrey found herself agreeing before she could talk herself out of it.
xxxx
"And that was it." Aubrey said softly. "That was the last time I saw Caleb."
The blonde wasn't sure what made her open up to the woman across from her. The strange redhead just seemed able to shatter her defenses and put her at ease. That's how she found herself sitting across from Chloe at nearly midnight after a full day of work with another full day of work in a few short hours.
Chloe reached and dropped her hand over the one not clutching a glass. "Shit Aubrey." The redhead whispered. "I just can't even begin to imagine."
The useless kindness from the other woman plucked Aubrey's nerves. The fact that she found herself setting aside a bear claw pastry every single morning also plucked her nerves. She felt anger simmering at allowing herself to be so vulnerable with a practical stranger.
"What" she hissed, defense mechanism flaring to life, "angels don't have to suffer loss? Don't get to pour your heart and soul into this one perfect being. Don't get to watch him grow and learn. Watch him show kindness even when he doesn't know his mama is watching. You mean angels don't have to watch when the one thing you love, the only thing you love that actually loves you back, is ripped away from you forever. Don't have to see the one innocent and pure thing ruined. But still not actually get any kind of closure."
Chloe's heart ached. "No." she whispered. "We don't. It's what makes you all so much stronger…so much more precious."
Aubrey lifted her gaze from the hand clutching her own to meet Chloe's deep blue eyes, boring into her soul it felt like. She leaned back in the booth, pulling her hand out of the redhead's reach.
Chloe felt the shift but didn't push. But she wasn't ready to let the other woman shut her out either. "Were there any leads…Anything at all?"
Aubrey sighed and scratched at her neck absentmindedly, still not meeting the redhead's gaze. She shook her head. "No. No leads. They found one of his shoes."
" Fuck ." Chloe hissed. The blonde finally snapped her gaze back to the woman across from her, surprised to hear the word from the self-proclaimed angel. Aubrey could see the anger radiating from the shorter woman. "I just don't understand how someone could…"
Chloe drew a deep breath and shook her head. "You are one of the strongest people I've ever met Aubrey. So many other people would have just given up by now. But you…You're amazing."
The blonde swallowed thickly, surprised at how hard the other woman's praise struck her. The acknowledgment that she was indeed still powering through and functioning made her feel somewhat validated. But it didn't lessen the weary drag on her soul.
"I'm not that strong." Aubrey muttered. "I still have to spend two days in bed anytime the detectives call to let me know they found a body, that they're sending it for testing. I can't imagine what I'll be like if they ever actually find…"
Aubrey's stomach rolled and she snapped her mouth shut quickly, trying to control her breathing.
"They tell you that?!" Chloe cried, leaning closer across the table. "That just seems fucking cruel !"
Aubrey shrugged but understood the redhead's outrage. It did feel incredibly cruel each and every time it happened. And unfortunately it happened too often. Too many families with missing babies.
"It is." Aubrey whispered. "It's cruel. But not knowing anything isn't any better. There isn't a path forward that doesn't fucking suck."
Aubrey leaned forward onto the table, mirroring the redhead's position. Chloe felt an icy shiver at the depth of despair she saw in the blonde's gray-green eyes.
"There is no fixing this." Aubrey hissed. "There is no light or love that can make this better. He's gone. And right now there are two little babies off in some lab for testing to be identified because some monster left them behind, beyond recognition. Maybe this time one of them will end up being my Caleb."
Chloe's lip trembled as tears leaked from the corner of her eyes. "Fuck."
Aubrey held her gaze and finally sighed. "Yeah…fuck."
Chloe once again reached a hand toward the blonde, turning palm up, allowing Aubrey to make the decision whether or not to allow contact. She spoke anyway. "Aubrey…I can't pretend to understand how you feel, like I said. I haven't been there. And what you've been through…I just…I just want to remind you that…it's not bottomless. It's not endless."
Aubrey quirked a brow, listening but making no move to comment or interrupt the other woman. And she didn't take her offered hand. Chloe shook her head, feeling completely inadequate for the situation at hand.
"I don't know what the fuck I'm saying." The redhead hissed. "God I sound so fucking flippant. I'm just trying to say…there's always hope Aubrey. If you do ever get that call…there will be nowhere to go but up. And I…I really hope and pray that you'll remember that you're strong enough to start climbing."
Aubrey clenched her jaw, refusing to acknowledge one way or the other.
xxxx
The next morning Aubrey was still annoyed at herself for allowing Chloe in. She even considered letting a pinched-faced old woman purchase the last bear claw. But she didn't. The blonde sighed and rolled her eyes as she tucked the last of Chloe's beloved pastry off to the side for the other woman.
When Aubrey glanced up at the sound of the bell signaling another customer and spotted the redhead, she met her at the counter and placed the pastry in front of Chloe before she could even request it.
xxxx
Aubrey was irritated. She was irritated that it was only thirty minutes to closing and Chloe hadn't shown up. And she was irritated that she was irritated that Chloe hadn't shown up.
Aubrey didn't miss the little bundle of energy and joy that was Chloe. That would require feeling. And Aubrey just didn't have the capacity to feel anything other than guilt and crushing sorrow.
It had been just over a month of the pair's routine of daily coffee and pastry, followed by closing up the shop together in the evening.
Little by little, the blonde found herself opening up to Chloe. She found herself sharing about how she found out she was pregnant a week before she graduated college, just a fling at a party. Certainly not father material. Her own military father had disowned her when he found out about the pregnancy. She'd sent him a picture of Caleb covered in cake on his first birthday, but the man hadn't responded.
It was for the best. The rigid, harsh man she had grown up alone with, after her mother and grandmother passed away, wasn't someone she wanted around her son anyway. No. He was to be surrounded by love, and encouragement, and silliness, and joy. Her father had given her none of those things.
Chloe had listened as Aubrey shared, not pushing or interrupting. Not even turning the story to share some personal anecdote to connect. She had simply let the blonde share as she felt comfortable.
And now, Aubrey was annoyed that she had come to enjoy the other woman's presence as they closed up. Annoyed that she had come to enjoy anything at all. It was fair. It wasn't fair that she get even some small amount of enjoyment without Caleb.
Aubrey had her back to the door wiping down the counters when the bell chimed, signaling a customer. She felt a smirk pulling at her lips and was already formulating a snarky greeting when she turned.
Her heart sank when instead of Chloe, it was Benji stepping up to the counter.
"Hey Aubrey."
She mentally counted to five as she exhaled, attempting to control her emotions. "Benji."
The man smiled sadly. "You stopped coming to group."
Aubrey took another steadying, deep breath and nodded. "I did. I uh-I just don't think it's for me."
"Oh."
"Yeah, so if it's all the same to you…I'm just going to close up-"
"Aubrey," Benji interrupted, "how badly do you want to heal?"
The blonde narrowed her eyes. "What? The fuck kind of question is that?"
"What if I told you…that there's a way to truly heal." Benji replied softly, ignoring Aubrey's harsh tone. "To actually heal. To fix it."
Aubrey sighed. "Thanks but I am tapped out on the self-help."
"No." Benji continued. "I mean really fix it. Undo it . What if you could actually see him again?"
Aubrey bristled. "Is that supposed to be funny? What the hell Benji?"
The man shook his head. "I'm serious. And no, I am not crazy." he ended with a chuckle. "I'm telling you the truth."
The blonde shook her head and stumbled backwards toward the office, trying to distance herself from Benji. "You need to go."
"Aubrey, wait." Benji cried and reached out across the counter to grab her shoulder. The blonde spun and smacked his hand away across the counter.
"Don't fucking touch me!"
Benji took a step back and raised his hands. "I'm sorry Aubrey…but I'm telling you the truth."
"I need you to leave." Aubrey insisted, her insides beginning to twist uncomfortably.
"Ok, I'll go." The man replied, already taking another step backwards, toward the door. "You know what happened to me…to my little girl. Well, I am telling you that there's a way. A way to see him again. Just like I got to see my little girl."
"Please leave." Aubrey whispered almost desperately, her head beginning to spin. "I need you to leave."
Benji nodded with a sad smile. "I'm going. Just think about it Aubrey. I promise I can help you."
Aubrey rounded from behind the counter and stumbled to the door behind him as he made his way to the exit. She shut the door behind him and twisted the lock before staggering towards the wall and sliding to the floor, her back pressed against the cool brick walls. She buried her head in her raised knees, just trying to control her breathing.
Xxxx
"Aubrey?"
"Aubrey, honey?"
"Come on Aubrey, look at me. Aubrey, please!"
The blonde drew a painfully deep breath and raised her head, her vision still swimming. As she came back into focus, eyes bluer than the clearest sky were gazing back at her, full of worry.
"Chloe?"
The redhead nodded, one hand gently combing through Aubrey's blonde locks, her other resting on the other woman's knee.
"Aubrey, what happened? Can you stand?"
Aubrey's heart clenched at the redhead's caring tone. Tears filled her eyes and for the first time in years, she didn't try to stop them. Aubrey felt a sob wrack her thin frame and she let herself be pulled into Chloe's arms.
The redhead held her, rocking gently and softly humming until Aubrey's sobs subsided and she could breathe almost normally again. Neither was sure how long they sat there. Aubrey only knew that she felt safe. And loved. But exhausted.
When Aubrey pulled away finally, Chloe let her but kept a hand pressed to the blonde's back.
"God, I'm so sorry." Aubrey whispered, still not ready to separate herself from Chloe's calm presence.
"Please don't say that." Chloe whispered in return. "Please don't feel that."
"I'm just so tired." Aubrey whispered again. She felt tears filling her eyes again even though she was convinced she didn't have any left. "I'm so tired."
Chloe pulled her close again and Aubrey sagged against her. "Ok, let's get you out of here."
xxxx
"Oh shit, is she ok?" Beca exclaimed, shutting the apartment door behind Chloe as the redhead carried the unconscious woman inside and made her way to the spare bedroom.
Chloe nodded, gently easing the blonde down onto her own bed. "She's just worn out." She whispered. "Something happened at the shop before I got there…I don't know where she lives and I had to do something…so I brought her here."
"Of course." The brunette replied softly. "Shit, I wonder if they found…"
Chloe shrugged sadly. "She didn't say, but she was absolutely distraught. Freaked me the fuck out."
Beca eyed her friend, who had pulled a chair close to the bed and was tenderly combing through Aubrey's hair, worry etched her features.
The brunette slipped quietly from the room and returned moments later with her quilt. She stopped short in the doorway though. The tip of Chloe's finger glowed a blueish-white and she lightly traced it down Aubrey's temple and back up running the length of her brow.
"Chloe," Beca whispered, "what are you-"
The redhead smiled sadly. "Just keeping the nightmares away…just for tonight. Only good dreams tonight."
Beca watched as Chloe gently pushed Aubrey's blonde hair away from her face, tenderly trailing her fingers over the other woman's cheek.
xxxx
"Dude…you got it bad." Beca said with a smirk when her friend slipped back out and joined her in the kitchen of the apartment they often shared.
Chloe scoffed but there was no denying the blush coloring her cheeks. "Psshh, me, what? Come on now, no way-ok I totally do, you know I can't lie."
Chloe dropped her head to the table with a dramatic sigh. Beca chuckled and pulled her chair closer, draping an arm over the redhead's shoulders.
"Anything I can do?"
Chloe raised her head, a hopeful smile spreading on her face. "You know what would really help…breakfast. One of your big, blowout, can't eat for three days breakfasts."
The brunette laughed but nodded. "I've said it once, and I'll say it again…I have no idea how you can put food away like you do."
"Perk of having a celestial body I guess."
Beca smirked before playfully ruffling the wild red locks.
xxxx
Aubrey stretched. The pull to her muscles felt glorious. She actually felt rested.
The blonde blinked her eyes open. But at the unfamiliar surroundings, she immediately shot up in the bed, having no idea where she was.
"Good morning." A familiar voice called before panic could really take hold.
Aubrey finally noticed Chloe sitting in a comfortable looking arm chair just off to her side. She had one leg thrown over the arm of the chair, the other curled underneath her. In her lap was a book and a coffee mug, still with steam swirling, sat on the small table next to her. She was the picture of calm, contentment.
"How…where…"
"We're at Beca's." Chloe replied with a soft smile. "Did you rest?"
"Yeah." Aubrey responded, almost automatically, as if she weren't fully awake enough to be on guard yet. "Like, actually rested. Wait, Beca's? How did I get here?"
Chloe chuckled and closed the book in her lap, settling it on the table on the other side of the mug. "I brought you silly. I don't know where you live so I couldn't take you home. And I'm crashing here with Beca while I'm in town so…here we are."
The blonde blinked as she stared at Chloe. The words made sense but her foggy brain was slow to comprehend. "Huh. But I mean, how. I don't remember walking here. Or driving here."
"Oh I carried you to the car." The redhead replied, seemingly amused at the confusion. "And then carried you in. You were pretty worn out so I'm not surprised you slept through it."
"You carried me?" Aubrey asked, finally seeming awake. "I know I'm not huge or anything but…how?"
Chloe chuckled. "Aubrey, I'm an angel. I'm like, super strong when I need to be."
"Right." the blonde replied, still too sleepy to question. "Wait, how did you get into the shop? I distinctly remember locking the door when Benji left."
"I picked it. The lock, I-I picked the lock."
Aubrey quirked a brow. "You're an angel who picks locks?"
Chloe's grin widened as she shrugged. "Sure, but only when absolutely necessary. Working in mysterious ways and all that. You know the drill. I needed to get to you."
Aubrey felt herself smiling back and she just shook her head. "You are definitely something else."
The redhead shifted, putting both feet on the floor. She leaned forward and clasped her hands together, resting her elbows on her knees.
"I'm sorry I was late." Chloe said softly, after a few moments of silence passed. "I just got a little caught up in something and lost track of time…I hope you didn't think I was ditching you."
Aubrey sighed and rolled her shoulders, enjoying the pull. "It's ok. It's not like you're on the payroll or anything. You don't have to be there."
"No, I don't." Chloe replied, refusing to drop the blonde's gaze. "But I like our nights together, closing down the shop. And I'm sorry I was late. Maybe if I hadn't been, whatever upset you wouldn't have happened. I'm sorry Aubrey."
Aubrey blinked at the steady gaze staring back at her. Her insides twisted. But not in the familiar nauseous way. She finally tore her eyes away and instead eyed her hands folded in her lap. "I-uh, I think it might have been good for me. I can't remember the last time I actually cried. Or woke up rested."
She flicked her gaze back over to the redhead, still watching her with an almost tender expression. She exhaled loudly and straightened her back. "So does Beca know I'm here?"
"Of course she does." Chloe replied without missing a beat. "She's the one who put that blanket over you."
Aubrey plucked at the quilted quilt covering her. It looked old, well used.
"It was her grandmother's." Chloe said softly, as if reading the blonde's mind. "She usually sleeps with it herself. She really loved her grandmother."
Aubrey nodded and spread a hand over the stitching almost reverently. "I really loved my grandmother too. Granny J."
Chloe felt her heart twist pleasantly at the other woman opening up and volunteering even that small bit of information. Progress. "Hey, go easy on her, Beca, Ok? Whatever happened in college, whatever you think she is, or did…She's-"
The blonde sighed and shook her head. "I know. It wasn't all her. I was a control freak, desperate to be the best and win because I thought that was the only way I'd ever get my father to love me. I wasn't easy to be around."
"And she was this tiny little stubborn Alt girl who had to buck authority at every turn."
Aubrey chuckled and once again met Chloe's laughing eyes. "It's like you were there!"
Chloe laughed and shrugged. "But seriously…She's one of the best people I've ever met. And word is…she's fixing us breakfast."
Aubrey breathed out a laugh and suddenly noticed the smells coming from what she presumed was the kitchen. Her stomach rumbled in response.
Chloe chuckled and finally pushed herself to her feet. "Bathroom is just through there. We'll be downstairs. Beca left out a t-shirt and some sweats, which will definitely be too short, which is going to be adorable. Take your time."