A storm rolled in over the Village Hidden in the Leaf, bathing the village in sheets of rain. The lightning flashed and the booming thunder that followed it rattled the windows.

Mei ignored the storm as best she could, she was already on edge. Rain was nothing new to her, growing up in the Mist. The Leaf usually had good weather, annoyingly good weather in fact. However, when the seasons changed the Land of Fire had fierce storms that made even the sturdiest trees sway.

Mei turned the page in her book and suddenly, with a click and sudden silence, her light was gone. Mei blinked in surprise. Her eyes adjusted to the darkness but the words were just muddy smudges on a dark gray page. She fumbled for her bookmark in the dark, shoved it into place, and stepped out into the unlit hallway. Kakashi left his suite at the same time.

Lightning flashed, giving Mei's eyes a burst of information before she was plunged back into darkness. The windows in the hallway had always bothered her. If someone wanted to assassinate a dignitary visiting the Hokage, or the Hokage himself, there was a window right outside their door. Then again, Mei had never seen any visitors housed in these rooms, it was just Kakashi and herself on this side. She wouldn't be surprised if Kakashi had purposely put himself in the least defensible spot. Sometime she may need to point out to him that since he was Hokage, his self-sacrificing nature actually created more work for everyone else.

There was another flash and Mei saw an ANBU just as he departed from Kakashi's side. She supposed she should say something. Mei suddenly shrank from her former resolve. Was this the right time to confront him? Maybe there was a crisis that needed his attention? No, she decided. She wouldn't get anywhere avoiding the problem, she never had before. She straightened her back and walked over to her husband, book still in hand.

Kakashi didn't turn as she walked up but he spoke first, "a tree blew over and took out some of our power lines. Our block seems to be the only one affected. The generators here are old, so they may take some coaxing to start."

Mei nodded and said, "it's some storm."

"Yes."

There seemed to be something else Kakashi wanted to say. The silence was heavy with it. Mei waited.

Mei was full of nerves but somehow still enjoyed this time alone with him. Kakashi so often had work to do or had to rush off somewhere. Even when they were together, his attention was divided. Here, in the stillness of the night, it was just the two of them. The two of them and whatever it was that had made Kakashi withdraw from her lately.

A bolt of lightning pierced the darkness and Mei twitched. Storms like this always reminded her of battle. The random crashes, the sudden bright lights, could be mistaken for explosions if she let her mind wander. The comfort of their closeness was gone. Now there was only darkness and the secrets between them.

Mei suddenly felt afraid. It wasn't the sickening fear of battle but an underlying thrum running through her. She stepped a little closer to her husband. Being with him, rather than standing alone, made her feel better, regardless of how he'd been acting lately. He was still her friend Kakashi. She was about to say so, and segue into what she wanted to talk about, when Kakashi spoke.

"I need to tell you something."

It was dark in the hallway so Mei couldn't see his face well. She could still feel the tension in his posture. He paused so long that Mei finally said, "what is it?" Kakashi seemed so serious. She gave him her complete attention.

Kakashi examined his feet. At last he looked up to gaze out the window into the rain. "Over the last few months, I have developed…feelings for you. Different feelings than I had before."

Suddenly the lights flicked on. Mei's shocked face was exposed, along with Kakashi's serious one. Everything was laid bare in the glaring light. They stood there for a full minute like that, absorbing the situation. Kakashi looked like a statue, too hard and too still, staring out into the stormy night. Mei's jaw hung slack. Kakashi had more to reveal.

"Since I noticed this change in feeling, I have tried ignoring it, explaining it away, but it keeps returning. I didn't think it was right to hide it from you." Kakashi continued, face still stern. He sounded stiff and formal. "I know it isn't what you asked for when we arranged our marriage. It wasn't what I intended." Kakashi looked pained. "The fact is, now that I'm aware of how I feel, I can't be sure I didn't feel this way before, and that subconsciously I conceived the idea to suggest we marry for convenience in some roundabout way to be closer to you." He trailed off, looking at the floor. He still hadn't looked at her!

He was ashamed, Mei realized. She was quick to correct him. "You didn't trick me into marrying you, if that's what you're worried about. I could have said no but I didn't. And I didn't closely examine my motivations at the time, so I can't say for sure how I felt about you." Mei gathered her thoughts, scattered as they were. She wasn't sure how to say what she meant. She felt flattered but also like she should apologize. "I can't say that dating you had never crossed my mind, before, but I disregarded it. Even when you suggested the contract, my willingness to accept was separate from the idea of a romantic relationship with you."

"But now I'm not sure mine was," Kakashi explained, "and that was wrong. I'm sorry." He shifted uncomfortably and continued. "I lured you here-" he trailed off.

Putting it like that, Kakashi made their marriage sound ugly; Mei didn't like it.

Kakashi went on, "I made you promises-"

"You haven't gone back on any of your promises than I can see. If anything, I appreciate you being honest with me." Was this why he'd been so withdrawn lately? Mei thought about it. "We may have been mutually attracted to each other, when we signed the contract, but that doesn't mean you lied about your reasons for suggesting it. Those reasons still exist. And sometimes…these things sneak up on you." She couldn't say love, because he hadn't.

"So you aren't disgusted by what I did?" Kakashi asked. The storm yet brewed. For the first time since they'd started talking, Kakashi turned to look at her. His eyes were filled with pain and uncertainty.

"No," Mei replied firmly. "I don't believe you did anything dishonorable, not on purpose anyway. You telling me about it wipes out my concerns in that regard. If you need forgiveness then I forgive you."

"I didn't mean for this to happen," Kakashi continued. He made falling in love sound like some calamity. Mei could see he was flustered. His fingers twitched as if there was some jutsu he wanted to use to get out of this situation. "I just- You are- How can I make it up to you?"

"I'd like to try it," Mei burst out, smiling shyly. It wasn't as if she hadn't noticed that her husband was handsome and funny and intelligent and- she cut herself off. Anyway, there was a difference between knowing those things about a person and considering a relationship with them. Mei had had…difficulties with dating in the past. Even though she enjoyed Kakashi's company, she never truly considered being more than friends. She wouldn't dare ruin what they had. Now that she knew he was interested, she was filled with a fluttery feeling. The darkness inside her was pushed away at Kakashi's words, like the sun coming out after a storm. She half expected to see the storm clouds outside dissipate.

Kakashi side-glanced at her, his expression lightening for the first time since they'd begun speaking. "Are you sure you want to date…me?" He said "me" as if he was a mystery liquid coating the bottom of a waste basket.

"Only if you want to date me back," Mei teased. When Kakashi had suggested the marriage contract he'd been all nervous flirtation. Now it was her turn!

Kakashi's frown returned. The burden of his office weighed down his joy. "I think we need to consider that a romance could ruin our marriage."

Mei's lips curved down and her cheeks flexed as she tried to withhold a smile. A chuckle creeped out of her anyway.

"It's not funny," Kakashi insisted.

"It IS funny though," Mei argued. " 'Romance could ruin our marriage'. Do you hear yourself?"

"This is serious Mei. If we start seeing each other and it-"

Mei cleared her throat to interrupt. "We already DO see each other."

Kakashi gave her a deadpan look. "If we start seeing each other romantically and it doesn't go well, we could create a serious problem."

"If it doesn't go well," Mei soothed, "then we go back to living our separate but married-by-contract lives."

"I don't know if I could pretend that you're a stranger."

"Well I'm not a stranger, I'm your wife," Mei smiled. She felt unease of a different nature twist in her gut but crushed it. Not now.

Kakashi sighed. "And if you despise me?"

"You make dating sound so dire." Mei grinned impishly. "I don't think you'd ever give me a reason to despise you. We can make a personal agreement to not despise each other, if you like." She smoothed her expression into one of her formal masks. "And if you really want to do something to cover the political side, we can go over the marriage contract again, and make sure we both still think it's fair. If so, then we shall commence dating!" Mei raised her eyebrows and waved her hands dramatically. It was a poor impression of Guy and they both knew it.

Kakashi side-glanced at her. "You're not mad?"

"No," Mei smiled, she couldn't seem to stop. "Maybe I should be, but I'm not. I can't be sure I didn't have a subconscious, ulterior motive too." Mei bent her head forward, willing her bangs to shield her flushed cheeks.

Kakashi's shoulders slumped with his relief. "I thought you were going to hate me. I didn't know if I could live with that."

Mei was pleased to see her friend was returning. His shields of duty and uncertainty slowly dropped, leaving just Kakashi visible. "You're being very straightforward about your feelings. That's unusual, are you aware of that?" Mei laughed. Her excitement was getting to her, she was giddy.

"I don't feel straightforward, I feel like I'm shaking." Kakashi put his hand in front of his face to check. The Hokage's hands were trembling. "That doesn't seem normal."

Kakashi was also forthcoming about his feelings when he was emotionally compromised, Mei made a mental note of this for later. "Are you excited? By the idea of…us?"

"Yes." His eyes were on her again. His look was intense but still restrained and calm somehow. He had mastery over himself the same way he had control over a lightning jutsu. Mei took a moment to compose herself in the wake of that look.

Mei allowed herself a sly smile. Her heart hammered and her insides fluttered. She never imagined that she and Kakashi would like each other this way. She'd thought about it, as she had about most men she met in their turn, but never dreamed that he would. They were already married, but somehow the prospect of dating her spouse was more exciting than the move and the marriage. Maybe it was because Mei could tell herself that the marriage was just another contract, just another duty to be performed. If that was how people normally went into marriage, then Mei felt bad for them. She imagined that how she felt now was what the start of a marriage usually felt like: a new beginning, exciting, an adventure with the person you loved. However, she and Kakashi had done everything backwards. They had gotten married and now they were, possibly, falling in love. Mei couldn't be more excited. It was only later, when she was alone, that the nerves set in and the darkness returned.

000000

Kakashi waited to speak until he was sure they were alone in the dining room. "Mei, now that we're dating, I was thinking we should-"

"I know what you're going to say," Mei cut him off sharply. "And I don't want to even discuss it." She stabbed at her meal, not managing to capture any of the food on her plate.

Kakashi blinked. He stared at Mei for so long that she looked up at him and was also confused.

"What were you thinking we should do," Mei asked.

"I thought you already knew what I was going to say?" Kakashi's eyes crinkled at the edges but the orbs remained serious. Her reaction puzzled him.

"You want to be more physically intimate, now that we're dating," Mei said it like it was a chore. She stared straight ahead of her. She'd been dreading this conversation, hoping they could just go on like they had been. Now, Mei knew, she was going to ruin everything.

"Um, no, well yes, I would like that, to work on it anyway. I-" Kakashi shook his head. They weren't talking about him right now. He could unpack his issues another time. Mei needed him right now, but for what, he didn't know. Kakashi cleared his throat, hoping he wasn't coming off as too awkward. "What I was going to say was that I want to know more about you, your past and family. We never talked about that much when we were kage out having a drink." Kakashi grew serious. "But maybe we should talk about the intimacy thing first."

"Why?" Mei shot back. She glared at him, green eyes flashing.

Kakashi's eyebrows rose. "Because you brought it up and assumed that was what I was interested in talking about. And because you're angry right now and I don't know why." He frowned at her. His face pinched into a confused scowl. "Do we need to talk about it?"

Mei wouldn't look at him. She was going to have to explain and he was going to hate her for it, for denying him. Mei mourned the little time and joy they'd had in each other. It hadn't even been a full day since the thunderstorm much less their reviewing of the marriage contract.

The silence went on, Kakashi looked at his friend turned wife turned girlfriend while she avoided his eyes. Kakashi broke the silence. "I didn't think we needed to talk about that but now I think we do," Kakashi pressed.

Mei still said nothing. Sad, guilty, and angry thoughts swirled in her mind.

"Should we continue this conversation in my room?" Kakashi glanced at the walls, concerned about listening ears. He hadn't sensed anyone close enough to hear their discussion, otherwise he wouldn't have brought up the word "dating", but this was less about eavesdroppers and more about Mei feeling secure.

Mei nodded. She was glad; the walk would give her time to think. Unfortunately her emotions made thinking next to impossible right then. They got up from the table and walked to Kakashi's suite. When the door closed and they were both seated on a couch, Kakashi brought up something he'd been thinking about on the walk up.

"Does this have something to do with why you sleep with your day clothes on?"

Long before Kakashi was Hokage, several kunoichi had freely informed him that they slept in the nude. Kakashi had assumed they did this to shock him, much like how he'd surprise people with a suddenly snarky comment. Now that Kakashi was considering why those women might have offered him that tidbit, he was suddenly disturbed. Women in Jiraiya's books threw themselves at men that way, but he hadn't considered that people in real life might do the same. He pushed the thought aside to attend to the matter at hand.

Mei went to sleep every night fully clothed. Since she didn't deny the association of ideas, he assumed he was on the right track.

"Why?" He asked, unsure of what else to say.

Mei shifted uncomfortably, like a genin at her first chunin exams. "Bedclothes make me feel vulnerable."

As self-aware as that answer was, it didn't really get to the heart of the matter. "Why?"

Mei fell quiet again, unable to express her fear of being incapable of defending herself at all times. If she let her guard down, the world would pounce, expose her for what she was, a fake. She was not brave, like she seemed to be. She was not coquettish, at least not in the way she pretended. She was not strong when she wanted to be. She was just trying to survive.

Mei's life had been one brutal survival lesson after another. Once she'd clawed her way to the top there was only more work waiting for her. It was positive work, fulfilling work, work that improved her village and the lives of her fellow ninja. However, a crucial element remained elusive, keeping Mei from feeling satisfied with her own life if not herself. She'd accepted the endless, thankless tasks, but her inner voice raged against her denying herself. It led to inner conflict that she'd powered through for years. Now that she was retired and had time, Mei was forced to confront what she wanted, and how that want was mixed up with what she feared: deep human connection.

The human connections Mei had made thus far in her life had mostly ranged from disappointing to deadly. For the most part, people had only ever wanted things from her, and there were some things she wasn't willing to give.

The silence stretched on and eventually Kakashi changed tactics. "What about bedclothes make you feel vulnerable?" Kakashi wasn't sure what this all had to do with them being intimate, but there were layers here. He needed to peel them back to figure out why Mei was suddenly so defensive.

"I'm not ready, prepared."

Kakashi had known ninja that attached their idea of safety to weapons so much that they couldn't be comfortable without them. Genma was one such example. That man wouldn't be caught without a senbon for any reason; Kakashi had seen him take one into the shower. Kakashi asked his wife if it was something like that. After all, it was a lot harder to carry weapons without clothes on. Harder, not impossible. Still, Mei shook her head.

"The extra layers make me feel safe, capable."

How could she make him understand that it wasn't just the clothes, but it was the shelter they offered? It was one more layer the enemy had to get through. If she was scantily clad, like in a nightdress, fear would cripple her mind, defeating her before a punch could be thrown. Her dress may be revealing but her armor was clearly visible under the high slit in her dress and at her swooping neckline, covering what mattered. She could get away with the illusion of confidence and sexiness without actually exposing herself to physical attack.

"So if you put on nightclothes, for example, you wouldn't feel ready for a fight?"

"…yes."

"You need to have time to relax and unwind." Kakashi tried the same reasoning she'd used on him about overworking. Had that only been a few weeks ago? "You can't always be ready for a fight. And why would you, in your own bed?"

At the word "bed", Mei shuddered. "I was told once that I'd," she swallowed, " 'let my guard down eventually'."

Kakashi frowned at the quiver in Mei's voice. "Who said that?" He meant the question to come out deceptively light, carefree. It didn't.

"My first boyfriend," Mei answered, her voice hollow. The mere memory of the threat froze her blood.

The implications made their connections in his brain and Kakashi scowled under his mask. "Doesn't sound like much of a person, much less a boyfriend."

Mei smiled at Kakashi. She wanted to hold him, to be held by him, but couldn't bring herself to ruin the moment. Physical contact led to awkwardness at the best of times. She wrapped her arms around herself instead. "I um- can we continue this talk later?" Mei suddenly felt very small. She had shown Kakashi a part of herself that she never shared. She wanted to hide but she didn't want him to go either. More than anything in the world, she wanted him to stay.

Seeing Mei hugging herself, Kakashi stepped out of his comfort zone. "Can I put my arm around you?"

Mei nodded, unable to lie, to deny what she wanted for the sake of safety. His arm felt good around her, warming her shoulders and back. She wanted to curl into him but remained still. If she responded positively, what if he thought she wanted more? But she didn't want him to think she disliked what he was currently doing. Maybe if she just moved her head a little toward him? Her head tilted two millimeters. There, that was enough of a response, right?

Kakashi eventually, inevitably, withdrew. Mei was disappointed the moment it was over. It was like she was a cup that could never be full. The moment the contact ended she felt empty, but if the contact got too serious, she panicked. Mei enjoyed flirting and touching, but letting someone touch her? That put her on high alert. It was complicated and she'd rather hide behind her flirtatious mask than face it. Still, Kakashi made her feel safe, safer than she felt even alone.

"I am afraid of being touched," Mei finally admitted. It was more complicated than that, but that was the short version. She was trying but it was difficult and painful to explain.

Kakashi's eyes got wide, "oh Mei, I-"

Mei held up her hands, realizing she'd made a mistake, confessing that immediately after he'd put his arm around her to comfort her. "No no no, you're fine, I- that was exactly what I wanted actually."

Kakashi relaxed but he grew thoughtful again. He tilted his head, "you're afraid of being touched but you still want to be."

"Yes," Mei agreed. "Well, sort of. I want to be," she tilted her head side to side, "physically intimate but I'm afraid of anyone touching me." The last two words came out slowly, she realized how crazy it sounded.

"Okay," Kakashi said, thinking.

"I'm afraid of losing control of the situation, of losing control of myself," Mei tried to explain.

"I see," he said slowly. "Well then I think there's something you should know about me."

"Is it that you're a love god and I'll find you irresistible? Doubtful. I've heard that one before." Mei snorted in distain, not at him but at certain men she'd known.

Kakashi cleared his throat awkwardly. "Quite the opposite actually."

Mei blinked her green eyes in surprise. "What do you mean?"

Kakashi's eyebrows went up, surprised she hadn't guessed. "What part of 'no time for a girlfriend' did I make unclear? My knowledge comes from books, medical training, and jonin gossip. Physical affection in my life is practically nonexistent, partly by choice. Naruto tried to hug me once when I nominated my team for the chunin exams, I nearly had a heart attack. I think I sputtered out something about him wrinkling my vest to shrug him off."

They both could see how ridiculous that excuse was. Jinchuriki or not, Naruto couldn't "wrinkle" a flak vest.

Mei frowned. "Partly by choice?"

Kakashi grew still. "Everyone I get close to, dies." He said it as simple as that, as if it was a fact of the universe, an inescapable fate.

"Until Team Seven," Mei whispered in realization.

Kakashi nodded. "I couldn't even acknowledge to myself that I cared about them until the end of the war."

Mei almost laughed. He had to be kidding? "That's ridiculous. You clearly cared about them." Even that book from the library made the bonds of Team Seven pretty obvious.

Kakashi shook his head. "If I kept them at arm's length, they'd be safe, that's what I told myself anyway."

"Putting your arm around me just now, was that hard for you?"

"Yes, but it gets easier with practice. I eventually reached a point where Guy's hugs didn't put me into a fight or flight response. Once I started ruffling my genin's hair, it got easier every time I did, things like that. And it helps knowing that it's something you like, at least I think you do?" Kakashi looked at her. "I'm still a little confused on that."

"I do," Mei said with a smile. "You make me feel- safe is the best term I can think of but it doesn't fully cover it."

"Loved?"

Mei's mind went blank for a moment. Her heart swelled. Yes, that was exactly how she felt. She felt like Kakashi cared about her, cherished her, would protect her if she needed it. He made her feel loved.