It was so easy for Mei to forget the outside world. She had her books and her quiet little life in the Leaf. She made her own meals and had the time to take care of herself. She made casual friends at the market and around the village, not to mention Kakashi's aides and guards, whom she knew now by name as well as face. She'd heard that people hated retirement, she loved it. She loved the quiet and her lack of schedule. If she ever wanted some excitement, there was always sparring with her husband, she could call home, or simply dip into world affairs via any of Kakashi's unclassified reports.
Then there was her husband. Mei enjoyed their time together and always looked forward to their next outing. Seeing when they could fit in a minute together gave her life spice. It was what Mei had always hoped dating would be. There was something infinitely comforting in knowing that someone you loved always wanted to see you too. Kakashi's duties got in the way of course, but that didn't curb the enthusiasm. On the contrary, it forced them, as a couple, to be creative with their social time and they treasured it all the more. Alas, the physical side of their relationship was a constant worry in the back of Mei's mind. It dimmed her bright spirits whenever it came up. Mei pushed the thoughts away and returned to her book.
A sudden pounding on her suite door had Mei up and flying to answer. The knocking was insistent, desperate. Her heart pounded as she threw open the door. Kakashi stood in the hall, eyes wide.
"Hide me," Kakashi breathed in a panic.
Mei stepped aside, allowing Kakashi in, and closed the door. Her face was frozen in a puzzled expression.
"I'm not here," Kakashi informed her. Mei watched in bewilderment as the Hokage slid her closet door open and pushed inside, making room for himself among her shoes and hanging dresses. He shut the door behind him, his chakra suppressed the whole time.
Mei's confused question was cut off by another insistent knocking. She turned around and stared at her door. Her mind working fast, she wiped all expression from her face, counted to three, and answered it.
Shikamaru and three ANBU guards were in the hallway. Two of them didn't hide the fact that they were peering over Mei's shoulders into her room. They could have been more subtle considering they were wearing masks. On reflex she closed the door to a crack the width of her head and shot them each a glare.
"We're sorry to disturb you Lady Mizukage. We were wondering, have you seen Lord Hokage tonight?"
"No, I haven't seen him since this morning," Mei lied. Her face betrayed none of the confusion she still felt, a blank slate.
"He's been here recently," one of the ANBU said.
"Well he is my husband and his suite is right next door. He's in and out of this area all the time," Mei offered.
"May we search your room?" Shikamaru pressed.
The other ANBU looked over Mei's head to survey the room. The Mizukage scowled. She let the irritation she was beginning to feel creep into her voice. "No you may not. I don't know if you've lost your Hokage or what but I don't see why you need to disturb me with the information. Now if you don't mind, I WAS having a relaxing evening." Mei slammed the door in their faces. She heard Shikamaru say something about checking elsewhere and they left.
Mei turned around to see Kakashi climbing out of her closet. She put her hands on her hips. The irritation was turned on him now. "Do you want to explain to me why I'm lying to your ANBU?"
Kakashi smiled sheepishly. "Thank you for that." He closed the closet door. "This month's drill is a simulation of someone kidnapping the Hokage. My job is to be as hard to find as possible, to see if they can recover me in an hour."
"And if they don't find you in an hour?" Mei asked. She relaxed her posture.
"I'm supposed to head back to my office for the debriefing," Kakashi replied.
Mei smiled at his use of the phrase "supposed to", her irritation fading. What she wouldn't have given to have someone to hide her from paperwork for awhile. But if someone had, maybe she would have married before now. She pushed those thoughts aside. "But you're not going to," Mei accused.
Kakashi shrugged. "I'm 'kidnapped', I don't have much of a choice. And since they couldn't rescue me, it isn't my fault."
"Does that make me your kidnapper?" Mei smiled like an imp.
"Only if you want to be," Kakashi replied, matching her smile. "Did I interrupt something?"
"A good book."
"Ah! May I join you then? I haven't read in ages." Kakashi stretched, popping his back.
Mei raised her eyebrows. "Would you rather just lie down? You look beat." She gestured at the large bed she'd never bothered replacing. The blankets were only rumpled on the right side.
"Why not both?" Kakashi suggested, a twinkle in his eyes.
The couple carefully settled down together on Mei's bed. Mei lay down on her back. Much to her surprise, Kakashi lay on his side and snuggled right up against her. He didn't put his hands on her, just got closer than she'd expected. Mei took a slow breath and realized she wasn't anxious at all. After a moment of consideration, the fact that Kakashi had initiated snuggling was, Mei assumed, progress for him as well.
She enjoyed their closeness for a time but then Mei said awkwardly, "we'd better grab our books before we get too comfortable." Kakashi didn't respond at first. Mei turned her head to see her husband's face. His eyes were closed.
Kakashi sighed into her hair. "I don't think I'll be doing any reading."
Mei frowned. "Kakashi-" she began, uncertain.
He sounded sleepy. "I just want to be close to you. Is that okay?" His eyes opened a sliver to look at her.
They'd been trying to feel each other out, slowly, since they'd talked about being intimate. Kakashi's schedule made it difficult to spend any length of quality time together. By the time they worked out what they were comfortable with on any given evening, most of it was gone. The rest of the time was spent exchanging self-conscious advances.
Mei put her arm over his, pulled it around her, and gave it a squeeze. "I want to be close to you too," she admitted. It was cozy and comforting, being wrapped up together. Knowing that there were no expectations beyond cuddling relieved Mei's mind. The lack of pressure allowed her to completely enjoy the contact.
"Glad we're in agreement," he mumbled into her hair.
Mei reached for her light. She wasn't sure if she could fall asleep like this, but she desperately wanted to try.
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Mei woke up in a panic. She didn't remember her dream but she was certain that something had her! Mei was doubly frightened to realize that the sensation was real. There was something restraining her by the waist. She thrashed and kicked and scooted away. But she was free for only a moment. Faster than she could move, an arm snaked around her anew and she nearly screamed.
Then suddenly a voice, a little sleepy but more concerned, "Mei, Mei stop!" It was Kakashi's voice in her ear, her sleep-fogged brain noted, but the panic didn't subside.
Mei struck out, her heel connecting with something that gave like flesh and bone under her kick. A pained yelp and then the arm around her loosened. Mei scrambled up in a rush, seething, but stumbled out of bed instead. The edge hadn't been where she'd thought it was.
From on top of the bed, Mei heard Kakashi hiss in pain. Mei turned on her lamp and saw Kakashi rubbing his knee.
"Why didn't you let go?" Mei demanded in the dim room.
Kakashi stretched his leg experimentally. He seemed to be satisfied and scowled at his wife. "You didn't have to kick me! Next time just say something!"
"I was frightened," Mei argued, hugging herself.
"Well I didn't want you to fall," Kakashi responded, annoyed.
Mei's heart continued to thud while her brain finished waking up. Considering how she'd stumbled out of bed, Kakashi's arm had been the only thing that had kept her from falling off the bed when she'd woken suddenly.
The arm around her waist took on a new meaning for Mei. Since the Leaf had rebuilt, a lot of the furniture was non-traditional, meaning that her bed was raised on a frame. A fall from that height would have only hurt her pride, but it would have hurt just the same. Mei bowed her head and took calming breaths.
"Are you okay?" Kakashi asked in a rush. His movements were a little uncoordinated. He wasn't fully awake himself. His head was clearer, his voice less sharp. "I'm sorry; I didn't mean to scare you. I thought you might fall."
Mei just kept breathing, in and out, until she was calm. Kakashi sat with her, waiting. Finally Mei nodded, "thank you. I'll have to remember this next time I get scared about you holding me."
Kakashi started to apologize to her again but she cut him off.
"It helps, knowing the contact is for the right reasons. I think you've mentioned something similar when you're on the battlefield. You have no problem tackling your friends out of harm's way but you wouldn't hug them, right?"
Kakashi nodded, silent, watching her. His expression was a little strained.
Mei nodded again. Her heart was slowing to a reasonable speed. "I'm fine with medics examining me after a battle but almost everything else makes me self-conscious, because I don't know what's going on in their heads and I can only assume-" She cut herself off. "Anyway, you were just trying to help," she finished. Mei scrubbed her eyes with her hands. "I don't know if I'm making any sense."
Kakashi relaxed. "You are to me." That was all that was said. They sat there together for what seemed like an eternity.
Mei looked at her husband, his hair tossed from sleep. She had the sudden urge to touch his face, to trace his jawline with her fingers, to run her hands through his hair, to just be closer.
When Mei had been younger, she'd wanted attention from men, not for any other reason than she wanted to be noticed, acknowledged. However, when her peers began exploring the physical side of where that attention led to, Mei's interest shifted in a different direction. She still wanted to be noticed, to be liked, but she had no desire to be kissed or touched by anyone. She was still drawn to people. She still wanted close relationships and to initiate physical contact but recoiled when they'd respond in kind. It was unbalanced and she knew that. Her desire to touch and interact but not BE touched lead to some humiliating moments. When she did start to date, her boyfriends wanted more from her, always. If she didn't comply then she was, at best, ridiculed.
Now, here, with Kakashi, she wanted to- she wasn't sure what she wanted but she did. Mei drifted forward, eyes on her husband. Kakashi met her a handsbreadth from the middle. They were inches apart and still neither reached for the other. Kakashi's gaze suddenly fell. He leaned back, looking at the bed beneath them and then away, realizing where they were, the position they were in. He stood up and took a few steps away.
"I'm sorry," she apologized. "It seemed like you wanted to-"
"I did. I do." Kakashi ran a hand through his hair and paced halfway across the room before walking back, examining the floor.
She blinked, thoughtful for a moment. "Just, not with me?"
"No," Kakashi corrected her quickly. "I mean yes. I want to-, with you, and- I just can't."
Mei frowned. "Was it something I did?"
"No," Kakashi nearly laughed, the sound was short and bitter. "No, I just-" He shrugged, not looking at her. He seemed like he wanted to be anywhere but there, in her room.
Mei felt a stab of pain somewhere only feelings could reach. Then she sighed. She probably would have been a disappointment anyway. She had always been full of false promises, from her manner of dress to her flirtatious nature. It was better, she thought, that her husband not find out she was a sham, a tease.
Kakashi's words broke into her thoughts. "Something's wrong with me."
Mei blinked her green eyes up at him. "With you?"
Kakashi nodded once, still not looking at her.
"I don't know if 'wrong' is the word I'd use." Mei replied.
"I can't be close to someone that way," Kakashi tried to explain.
"Can't or won't?" Mei challenged. She knew Kakashi had problems with physical touch, but not to this extent.
He didn't answer. "Everything I love dies," Kakashi burst out, "ever since I was born. It's not the kind of life that fosters physical affection. It'd be better if we just kept to ourselves."
Mei was shocked to realize that she'd been thinking something similar just a moment ago. Hearing the sentiment echoed from her husband stirred anger within her. It was like they'd suddenly reversed roles, but for different reasons. Seeing it from the other side gave Mei sudden insight into her own desires and feelings. Rebellion rose within her, fast and hot as her lava.
"I don't want to keep to ourselves," Mei protested. "You are the first person-" She stopped herself before she said too much. He was the first person she wanted to trust that way. She was not afraid to be intimate with Kakashi. The idea of him touching her was actually exciting, after a lifetime of fear.
Mei wanted to be physical in a relationship, but the idea of letting someone else touch her ranged from frightening to repulsive. The thought of someone's hands on her made her stomach turn, her mind panic, and her heart quicken. It made her squirm and shrink and want to hide. She had nightmares about being exposed, at the mercy of any wandering hand. But Kakashi was different, he was a warm, still ocean. She wanted to bathe in the comfort of him, to stretch out and swim forever.
"What can I do to help you? Not die? Check. Anything else?"
Kakashi did not smile. He wouldn't look at her. Why wouldn't he at least look at her?! Then Kakashi wished her a goodnight. Mei wished he'd stayed.
Mei sat on the floor and cried.
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An hour later there was a pounding on Mei's bedroom door yet again. She jumped up, afraid some disaster had befallen her new home. She opened the door to see Kakashi. Instead of being in a rush to hide, he just seemed agitated.
"You-" He stopped and glanced back into the hallway. "Can I come in?" He asked, an urgent look in his eyes.
Mei nodded mutely, hoping he couldn't see how red her eyes were in the dim light.
After he'd closed the door behind himself, Kakashi began again. "You want to be physically intimate, right?"
Mei was surprised at his directness but nodded.
"With me?" He clarified.
Mei nodded again.
"And so do I, with you, I mean." He asked and answered all these things rapidly, like he couldn't hold them in anymore.
Mei wasn't sure what was expected so she nodded again.
"So," Kakashi scratched the back of his head. Normally it was a lazy motion but at that moment Kakashi looked like a dog scratching at a wound. It was insistent but painful. "How do we get there?"
Mei was dumbfounded for a moment. "Get there?"
"We both want this, so let's work out how we want to go about getting there. We'll lay out steps or come up with a plan of attack or something."
"You want to make a plan of attack for how to overcome our intimacy issues?" Mei summed up. Despite the hope rising in her, her words sounded dubious.
"If that's what it takes," Kakashi said firmly. "What would work for you?"
Mei blinked. She'd never thought about it. Mei had only ever thought about what she needed to do, how she needed to fix her problem to accommodate someone else. But Kakashi wanting to work with her on it changed things. The problem seemed more manageable, knowing she wasn't alone.
Mei thought about how she'd learned or practiced anything, one step at a time. She took a deep breath. "Genin spend time building up their chakra so they can do more and higher ranked techniques."
Kakashi nodded, clearly liking her line of thought.
"What if we built up our physical relationship the same way? Start small, get used to those things, and work up to…bigger things?" Mei invited him to sit and sat down herself.
Kakashi sat next to her on the bed. His brow was furrowed in thought. "How do I know if it's a good time to try something like that? I don't want to frighten you; I'll be nervous enough as it is."
"Body language?" Mei suggested. "Or I could just tell you? But that would get tiring, telling you every time. Not to mention it isn't romantic."
Kakashi's shoulders sagged. "This is going to be difficult."
Mei smiled tentatively. "Worthwhile things are." Kakashi met her eyes and matched her smile.
"We'll have to be careful about when and where we discuss this," Kakashi reminded her. "I almost blew it just now." He nodded at her door. "Anyone could have been listening."
Mei nodded in agreement. "Body language it is then." She smiled. "You'll just have to read me the way you would an opponent."
Kakashi frowned, not liking how that sounded. "I don't want to fight you on this."
"Then fight the problem, we'll fight it together," Mei suggested, hope soaring, roaring through her.
Kakashi nodded, his body relaxing. "Together," he agreed.
Their shared smile was interrupted with a new pounding on Mei's bedroom door. The two kage jumped, staring at the entrance to Mei's suite.
"Lord Hokage, we know you're in there," one of the ANBU called.
Kakashi cursed under his breath. He'd forgotten about the drill. He didn't think it'd continue this late into the evening. Didn't his aides and ANBU have somewhere else to be? He turned back to Mei. "We'll discuss this tomorrow? After we've slept on it?"
Mei nodded eagerly, feeling more hopeful than she had in weeks.
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They decided to start slowly, with hand holding. This was hard for Kakashi to get over because it limited his movement. Mei was all for it because she got to enjoy physical touch without any expectation of intimacy progression. Two people kissing could easily progress into more intimate touches which led to clothes on the floor. Hand holding rarely progressed into sex, although there have been cases…
Kakashi confessed that while they held hands, the synchronization of arm swinging while they walked was cumbersome. "I think my arm is actually getting sore," he complained one day after a walk.
For a master of jutsu, Kakashi found the restriction of one of his hands downright unsettling. His wife may as well have taken all of his weapons and scrolls. How could he weave hand signs in a hurry when his hand was occupied? He couldn't just tuck her hand into his palm like he could with a kunai.
They decided to compromise. Instead of holding hands, Mei would slip one of her hands into the crook of Kakashi's elbow. This way Kakashi's hands were free, he could even put both hands in his pockets if he wanted, but Mei got to feel his closeness. She could extend her arm or fold it in depending on how comfortable she was feeling and how close she wanted to be. This was also a natural pose for them while on their walks around the village so it was easy to practice.
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After they assimilated hand holding into their normal movements, they moved on to casual touches. Casual touching had its own challenges. Mostly because one might not realize what the other was doing or that it was meant to be affectionate.
When Kakashi put a hand on Mei's back to guide her through a door, she tried to slap him on reflex. Mei had incorrectly assumed that someone had made a grab at her rear and missed. Kakashi dodged the blow but the chain of reactions had drawn attention.
"We might need to practice this one in private before using it outside." Mei suggested in a mutter, cheeks burning. She wasn't mad, just embarrassed.
"Right," Kakashi agreed, his voice low. "Other couples seem to have unspoken agreements about when something is or is not appreciated and appropriate. We'll need to discuss several things beforehand."
While other couples spent their evenings dancing, talking, or playing games, Kakashi and Mei discussed what touches might be appropriate in which situation and drilled each other on how to tell if the other felt uncomfortable with something. It was like target practice. If they drilled it enough times, they'd do it on instinct without having to think about it.
"Are we overthinking this?" Mei asked one night. They were casually strolling away, arm in arm, from Mei's rice cooker that was playing the part of the Kazekage at a formal dinner. Mei had even folded a napkin to make it a little hat.
Kakashi shrugged, happy with how easy the movement was despite his wife's closeness. He thought he might be getting the hang of this. "If I wasn't the Hokage I'd say yes, but keeping up appearances is technically part of my job."
Mei nodded, knowing all about keeping up appearances. For the first several years of her service as Mizukage, Mei's calm façade was all that had kept her village together. Still, she worried. "Other people don't have to go through all this."
Kakashi snorted. "That we know of. From what I can see in my upcoming genin and chunin, they all spend their teenaged years being terrified of how to act socially. I prefer to think of us as late bloomers, or possibly we didn't have time to bloom and now we're making up for it. As for myself, I spent those years doing back-to-back ANBU missions with the occasional visit to intensive care. Social interaction was very low on my priority list." He raised his eyebrows at her.
Mei took the hint, pleased to see her husband cutting himself some slack. "I had similar experiences. Although-"
"Yes?" Kakashi pressed.
"Sexual allure was a tool I used as a ninja," Mei began. "I used it to misdirect, distract, stall, whatever I needed it for. I literally weaponized my beauty and natural attributes. I never intended it to go any further than that though. That became a problem when dating my fellow ninja. I didn't try to be seductive but then-" She stared at the floor as they moved into a turn.
Kakashi's arm flexed, pulling her hand in closer to him. That was the only reaction he showed as he and his wife paraded around Mei's room, memorizing each other's body language with each movement.
"They thought you owed them things?" Kakashi asked, his jaw tight.
Mei shuddered a sigh. "There were misunderstandings, threats-" She stopped again.
"You don't have to tell me," Kakashi reassured her.
"I-I want you to know," Mei stuttered out. "I want you to know why." She gestured with her arms and Kakashi released her hand to allow for the movement. It had been something they'd been practicing, responding to the others' individual needs while also working on themselves as a unit, a couple. "Why I think I need to sleep with my clothes on and go out with no less than three types of poison.
"He said if I didn't give him what he wanted then he'd take it." Mei's voice ended high, uncontrolled. She swallowed and took a breath. She steadied herself. "And after awhile," she still wasn't ready to talk about her last boyfriend, "I decided no one could have me. It'd be better if I was alone. That was it. The end." Mei looked up at her husband, tears in her eyes. Kakashi answered that look with a steady one of his own. He was waiting for her to continue, ever patient. Mei thought that look alone would make her cry for an entirely different reason. "But I want…us." She held out her hand and Kakashi took it in his. "I want us to be together…in every way."
Kakashi gave her a gentle smile. "I want that too. And I can honestly say that if you didn't want this, then I'd no longer be interested. I mean, I would be interested, in you, but that part would just be sidelined. It takes two to make love. And if I had to coerce you then it wouldn't be love anymore."