It starts out with me, Varie, Lincoln, Aylene, Linka, Laney, Lily and Clyde in the Kitchen

Me, Lincoln and Clyde: " Ohhhhhhhhh... Mama's little baby loves short'nin'. Short'nin' Mama's little baby loves short'nin'... "

Clyde: " Breeeeeeeaaaaaad! "

Lincoln: "Very nice, Clyde!" [to the viewers] "Clyde and I have a week to start a successful business for class. So we're gonna sell homemade chocolate pie!"

Clyde: "We've never baked before. But how hard could it be? Everybody loves chocolate pie. My nana says that if they don't, you can't trust them."

Laney: I agree Clyde. Pie and Chocolate are the 2 best things ever. [Slurps]

Linka: I love chocolate as much as anyone.

Me: Me too. Anybody that doesn't like them both is not human. [To Starfire] No offense Starfire!

Starfire: None taken J.D.

Me: No offense guys.

Varie: None taken J.D.

Lincoln: [opens shelf, seeing nothing but...] "What? Empty wrappers. I should have known."

Clyde: "It wasn't me! I was with you the whole time."

Laney: I didn't have any chocolate either. I may love chocolate like everyone else but I control myself.

Me: Me too.

Varie: Same here.

Lily: I didn't have any chocolate either.

Aylene: I love chocolate too but I control myself.

Lincoln: [closes shelf] "I know guys. It was the rest of my sisters. They're well-known chocoholics."

Me: Don't forget Ed, Double D and Eddy. They love all sweets as much as Jawbreakers.

[Flashback to the sisters enjoying the chocolate bars.]

Lori: "Mmm."

Luna, Eddy and Luan: "Mmm."

Edd, Leni, Penny, Lynn, Lucy and Lisa: [sighing]

Ed, Lana and Lola: "Mmm."

[Flashback ends]

Clyde: "Well, what are we gonna do? I already rolled out 84 pie crusts!"

Me: Luckily I came prepared.

I have a Magisword Bracelet like Lana's on my right arm and spin it and pull out a Magisword.

Announcer: CHOCOLATE BAR MAGISWORD!

I restock the chocolate bars and we get baking.

Linka: You can use Magiswords now?

Me: Lana got me into it.

At Royal Woods Elementary.

We sell our pies like hot cakes and raked in a lot of dough.

At the Knudson-Loud Estate.

Me: Whoo-hoo!

Lincoln: Boy, we sold all of our pies and made all this money.

Linka: Yeah.

Laney: Maybe we can sell lots of other stuff too.

Varie: Good idea Laney.

Clyde: "How about we sell hugs? My dads say I'm an excellent hugger."

Lynn Sr.: [frustrated cleaning the van] "Aw, dang bird poop! Don't you feather-brains have somewhere else to hang out?"

Lincoln: [gets an idea] "Clyde, that's it!"

Clyde: "Bird poop?"

Lincoln: "We can sell birdhouses!"

Clyde: "Oh! Great idea! But wait. We don't know anything about woodworking."

Lincoln: "Eh, how hard could it be?"

Me: I make some really good birdhouses guys.

Laney: Lets give it a try.

[pounding and whirring' We made multiple luxurious birdhouses that look like mini-multi-million dollar mansions]

Lincoln: Whoa! These birdhouses are incredible guys.

Me: I do a lot of wood work in the woodshop at school. Plus, I help dad with the woodworking.

My birdhouses look like the Biltmore Estate in North Carolina, the Lace House in Blackhawk, Colorado and the Antilia Billion Dollar home in India.

Laney: We have a lot of talent don't we?

Laney's Birdhouses look like the Taj Mahal in India, The Great Pyramids in Egypt, and The Saint Basils Cathedral in Russia.

Varie's birdhouses looked like Atlantica from Disney's the Little Mermaid, The Neuschwanstein Castle in Germany and the Sagrada Familia in Spain.

And many more.

Linka: Let's get selling.

Back at school, we sold all our birdhouses and made a fortune.

At home I was counting all the money.

Me: $9997, $9998, $9999, $10,000.13.

Laney: Wow! We made alot of money selling all those birdhouses!

Aylene: We sure have a lot of booming business.

Linka: Yeah. No kidding.

Lincoln: Yeah. What else can we sell?

Clyde: "How about we sell smiles? My dads say I have a million-dollar smile." [smiles]

Me: You have a smile that's $1,000,001 Clyde.

Clyde: Thank you.

Lincoln: "Well..."

[door clicks and thuds.]

Luan and Eddy come in.

Luan: [dressed as a clown, counting money earned.] "98, 99..."

Lincoln: "Whoa! Where'd you get all that money, Luan?"

Clyde: "Did you sell...laughter?"

Luan: "Ha! Laughter? It's my pleasure to give that away for free. This is from selling balloon animals. Observe. [She blows a large pink balloon and shapes it into...] "A dog! Now pick up the pace, Fido! It's the leash you can do!" [laughs as she goes upstairs; comes back for a minute.] "No charge."'

Eddy: I heard you guys have been very busy.

Me: Yep. We sold Chocolate Pies and we sold hand crafted birdhouses. We made $10,000.13.

Eddy: Wow! That's a lot of moolah!

Varie: Did you just get back from another birthday party?

Eddy: Yep. Luan and I are in business together. We're funny stuff. See you guys.

Me: See ya Eddy.

Lincoln and Clyde: "We'll sell balloon animals! How hard could it be?"

Me: It takes a lot of practice.

[However, it's not as easy as Luan makes it look. Lincoln tries to work on a balloon until it pops.]

Lincoln: "Ah!"

Clyde: "Lincoln! Look professional! We've got a customer!

Liam: "Uh, I'll take the, uh, cheeseburger?"

Clyde: "It's a bunny rabbit."

Liam: "Even better!" [whispers] "It's for a girl I like."

Lincoln: "You know, Liam, if it's for a girl, you should get her chocolate. All my sisters love it."

Me: Trust me. They do.

Liam: "Oh, cool! Thanks Lincoln." [runs off]

Clyde: "Lincoln, you just lost our only customer."

Lincoln: "Relax, Clyde. There's still plenty more."

Me: Let me see if I can make some.

I take some balloons and make lots of balloon animals.

Varie, Aylene, Lincoln, Linka, Clyde, Laney and Lily are shocked.

Lincoln: [Flabbergasted] You can make balloon animals, J.D.?!

Me: Luan has been teaching me. She is a pro.

Clyde: Perfect timing too cause we have more customers.

The kids all flock to us and we hand out more balloon animals and make lots more money.

Liam comes back.

Liam: "Hey, Lincoln!"

Me, Varie, Aylene, Lincoln, Linka, Clyde, Laney and Lily see him.

Liam: "She loved the chocolate! We have a date this Friday!"

Me: Way to go Liam!

Lincoln: "Oh, great! I guess with 14 sisters. I've learned a few things about girls."

Liam: [grabs Lincoln's face] "Oh, don't be so modest. You're like a girl guru." [leaves]

Lincoln: "Clyde, I think Liam-" [picks up Clyde] "I think Liam just gave us our next business idea."

Lincoln and Clyde: "How hard could it be?"

GIRL GURU: $1.00 PER QUESTION

Clyde: "Step right up and ask the Girl Guru. He's got the goods on the gals, the facts on the females, the lowdown on the ladies."

[exotic instrumental music]

I play a sitar, Varie and Laney play the bongos.

Customers: [gasping] "Me! Me!"

Andrew: "Oh, Girl Guru, I'm hanging out with Jordan later, and I really want it to go well. What do girls think is fun?"

Lincoln: "Hmmm."

[A flashback shows Lynn doing the Dutch oven on him while he's playing video games in a blanket.]

Lynn: "Hey, Lincoln. What's more fun than a Canadian microwave? A Dutch oven!" [wraps herself with Lincoln and blows a fart so big it inflates the blanket with them underneath it.]

Lincoln: [yells]

Lynn: [laughing]

Lincoln: [grunting]

[flashback ends]

Lincoln: "Dutch ovens."

Andrew: "Really?"

Clyde: [pushes Andrew away] "The Girl Guru has answered your question, and as you can see, many other boys await his wisdom." [to Lincoln] "You do know what you're doing, right?"

Lincoln: "I don't know. Why don't you ask Liam?"

[Liam and his girlfriend pass by; Liam's girlfriend, who's chewing on a chocolate bar at the moment, kisses him on the cheek, leaving a heart-shaped chocolate smudge.]

Liam: "Hee-hee!"

Clyde: "And that's why you're wearing the robe and I'm wearing the fanny pack. Who's next?"

Rusty: "How do I get a girl to fall for me?"

Lincoln: "Omm..."

[A flashback shows Lynn Sr. telling a bedtime story to Lola.]

Lynn Sr.: "And so the young knight returned Princess Taylor to her tower five minutes before curfew, and no one was punished, and everything worked out great. The end. Good night, sweetie."

Lola: [wakes up] "Hey, where do you think you're going? More knight and horsey stories!"

[flashback ends]

Lincoln: "You're going to need a stallion and a suit of armor."

Rusty: "Oh, thank you, Girl Guru. Thank you. Thank you."

Zach: "Oh, Girl Guru, I like this girl. But she doesn't think I'm good enough for her. How do I change her mind?"

[A flashback shows when Lisa was talking to Lily about a boy.]

Lisa: "Dylan Cornheiser tried to hold my hand at recess. I told him, learn basic chemistry, and then we'll talk."

[Lincoln was listening on the side of the door; flashback ends.]

Lincoln: "Simple. Learn basic chemistry."

Zach: "Oh, man, I stink at chemistry. What about kickball?"

Clyde: [pushes Zach away] "The Girl Guru has spoken."

Lincoln: [speaks to Papa Wheelie] "Nothing makes my sister Lana happier than a frog in her pants." [speaks to Flat Tire] "Take her to a funeral. My sister Lucy swears by it." [speaks to Coach Pacowski] "Roses are fine, but squirting flowers will really make her day." [Speaks to a random kid] "Read a good book." [Speaks to another random kid] "Read comic books."

Coach Pacowski: [writing that down] "Squirting flowers... make... her... day. Thanks, Loud. See you in gym."

[bell rings]

Lincoln: "Clyde, our business is killing it! I think we're looking at an A." [spins with Clyde] "Worst-case scenario, A minus."

Clyde: "Tell me about it. I had to triple up on fanny packs just to hold all the money we made."

Me: I got a bad feeling about this guys. I have a feeling that Lincoln's advice is not gonna work.

Andrew: [farts]

Jordan: [screams and coughs] "You jerk!"

Varie: Uh-oh!

Andrew: "But the Girl Guru said you'd love a Dutch oven."

Jordan: "Maybe you'd love an American wedgie!"

Andrew: [screams and runs]

Lincoln: "Well, you can't expect advice to work 100 percent of the time." [closes locker with Clyde]

[frog croaking and jumping on Joy's head.]

Joy: "Ew, ew, ew, ew! Gross! Get it off!"

Papa Wheelie: "But the Girl Guru said-"

Joy: "Get him, girls!"

Girls: [growling] "Get him!"

[They chase Papa Wheelie across the hall.]

Lincoln: "That is not on us. He must have picked a bad frog."

Clyde: [popping out of a trash can] "Let's just get back to class before they come back."

[Mrs. Johnson's classroom]

Flat Tire: "Hey, Mollie, you want to go on a date with me?"

Mollie: "Um, yeah."

Flat Tire: "Great! I'm gonna need you to wear this." [puts veil on Mollie] "Ah, there's the hearse. We're going to a funeral. How strong are you? They might need an extra pallbearer."

Mollie: [disgusted] "Ew! Yuck! Get away from me, you morbid weirdo!"

[Flat Tire stares at Lincoln and Clyde who gulp in response.]

Coach Pacowski: "This is for you, Agnes."

Mrs. Johnson: "Daisies are my favorite!" [gets squirted] "Ah!" [pushes Coach Pacowski away] "You yokel! I just had my hair done."

Coach Pacowski: "But, Agnes, the Girl Guru said-" [points at Lincoln and Clyde] "Hope you boys like push-ups!"

Me: Oh no.

Lincoln: "Uh, Mrs. Johnson, can I have the boys' bathroom pass?"

Clyde: "And I'll take the girls'."

[They're both running down the hallway.]

Kat: [yells]

[explosion]

Zach: "I was trying to impress you with my basic chemistry skills."

Kat: "You burnt my braids, you doofus!"

Zach: "He told me to do it!"

Kat: "What?"

[Lincoln and Clyde laugh nervously and run to the boys' room.]

Clyde: "Lincoln, I'm starting to lose feeling in my toes. I think it's a panic attack."

Lincoln: "It's okay. Just breathe into your paper bag."

Clyde: [picks up paper bag and gasps] "Mmm. Oops." [chuckles] "Wrong bag. That was my lunch." [switches bags and inhales and exhales sharply.] [Horse neighs]

Rusty: [wearing a suit of armor] "Whoa, White Lightning, stop! Sadie, do you want to go to the movies?"

[picks up Sadie]

Sadie: [screams]

[White Lightning crashes and Rusty's armor flies everywhere.]

Me: Looks like your advice didn't work.

Aylene: Yeah.

Laney: This is bad.

Lincoln: "Let me have the bag." [Clyde hands it to him and he starts breathing heavily.]

Clyde: "Lincoln, we gotta get out of here."

Kat: "The next time I see that Girl Guru, I'll totally destroy him!"

Joy: "Yeah, and his weird little friend too."

I walk up to them.

Me: You'll have to go through me first.

Laney: And me!

Aylene: Count us in too!

Varie and Lily join in.

Kat and Joy back away slowly and run away.

[The trash cans sprout legs and move across the hallway; reveal to be Lincoln and Clyde hiding in them popping their heads out and seeing their customers groaning in pain; they hide and a girl puts a plastic water bottle in Clyde's trash can.]

Clyde: [pops out] "Um, excuse me. That goes in the recycling."

Lincoln: "Clyde! Keep it down!"

Student: "Hey! It's them!"

Student: "Stop!"

Lincoln: "Give them their money back." That'll stop them.

[Clyde throws their money.]

Clyde: "Here! Take it, you wild animals!"

[The enraged males ignore their refunds, too determined to get back at Lincoln and Clyde.]

Lincoln: "Huh, didn't stop them."

Clyde: "I know what to do." [stops running] "Free hugs!"

[The mob doesn't seem eager to stop for free hugs.]

Clyde: "Uh, on second thought, there may not be enough of me to go around." [continues running]

Laney forms a wall of bramble vines and it provides an opportunity for us to escape.

[Later that night at the Knudson-Loud Estate, the girls are watching TV and Starfire, Raven, Terra, Volcana, Argent, Kole, Bumblebee, Lapis, Jessie, Ed, Edd and Eddy are with them. until they notice Lincoln and Clyde panting and covering the curtains and Me, Varie, Aylene, Linka, Laney and Lily come in and we are panting and we fall to the floor.]

Me: [To the group, Exhausted] Oh, hey guys.

Lori: "Oh, boy. What did you all do now?"

Clyde: "L-L-L-Lori?" [breathing sharply and moaning and I snap my fingers and snap him out of it] Thanks J.D.

Me: Don't mention it.

Lincoln: "Um, you wouldn't be interested."

Lola: "Oh, we're interested. Spill!"

Lincoln: "Well, Clyde and I had to start a business for school, so we kind of, uh, charged boys for my advice about girls."

Me: Now, before you start making any judgements, let us explain. This wasn't our original idea to begin with.

Varie: Our original plan was to sell homemade chocolate pies, but you ate all the chocolate bars.

Me: Luckily, I had the Chocolate Bar Magisword and restocked the chocolate bars and we made alot of pies and it was a successful business. We made $500.00 as a result.

The Loud girls minus Laney and Lily all started to look slightly guilty after I said that.

Varie: Our second business was birdhouses and we made beautiful birdhouses that raked in the money. We made $10,000.13 because of that.

Aylene: We tried making balloon animals and we thought it wasn't going to work. But J.D. made lots of Balloon Animals in the end thanks to Luan's teachings. We made $1675.62 in the end.

Linka: Then one of our friends Liam, came and ordered one because he wanted to impress a girl that he liked. Lincoln suggested that he should give her chocolate and it worked.

Laney: Liam said that Lincoln was like a girl guru, and that's what gave us the idea.

Lily: But for some reason the advice we tried to give people didn't work and now our customers are gonna kill us!

The Loud Sisters all had sympathetic looks, then they all sigh sympathetically. Lori puts her arms around Me, Clyde and Lincoln and Leni puts hers around Varie, Aylene and Laney and Luna hugs Lily.

Lori: "Guys, we understand completely. But really, what do you guys know about girls?"

Lincoln: "Well, I just thought that since I had 14 sisters-"

Luan: "Look, Lincoln. What's true for us isn't gonna be true for every girl. We're not all the same."

Luna: Yeah dudes. All girls are different just like all boys are different.

Penny: That's right.

Eddy: Luna's right. Everyone has a different personality that sets everyone apart.

Lisa: Precisely.

Lincoln: Whoa. I never thought of it that way.

Me: I completely forgot about that.

Aylene: Me too.

Lola: "I'm not like Lana!"

Lana: "And thank goodness for that." [high fives Lola]

Lincoln: "Oh, man, you're right. What have I done? I've doled out terrible advice, and now everybody at school hates us."

Lynn: [Sighs] Lincoln, don't be so hard on yourself. It was kind of our fault too.

Leni: Yeah. We were the ones who ate the chocolates that you were going to use for your business.

Lucy: Sorry, guys. We feel ashamed.

Lily: It's not your fault guys. I know you guys like chocolate and you just couldn't control yourselves.

We all hug.

Me: It's alright guys. We don't care about that anymore.

Starfire: If those kids are going to hurt you, I won't let them!

Raven: Me neither.

Me: But we still need to figure out what to do.

Linka: Yeah or we will get an "F".

Lynn Sr.: "A kitchen full of pie? I guess it's ol' Dad's lucky day!" [laughs and takes a bite as his stomach grumbles in nausea.] "Ooh, bad!"

Me: Those were the back up pies we made just in case.

Varie: They're made with salt and vinegar.

Lincoln: "We went a little overboard on the salt."

Lynn Sr.: "I'll say. It's an as-salt on my senses!" [Rimshot]

Me, Varie, Aylene, Eddy, Luan, Raven, Terra and Bumblebee laugh.

Luan: [Laughing] Good one, dad.

Me: [Laughing] Yeah, good one, Mr. Lynn.

Eddy: [Laughs] Funny, L Sr.

Terra: [Laughing] That was funny.

Raven: [Laughs] That's funny.

Lynn Sr.: "Ah, sorry, J.D. We're just gonna have to toss the whole batch."

Licnoln: "Toss them? That's a great idea, Dad. Guys, we're back in business."

[Dollar sign transition]

Lincoln: "[To the viewers] How hard can it be to start a business? Pretty hard, actually. The key is to find something you're really good at, and it turns out for me that thing is..." [gets hit with a pie] "Taking a pie in the face."

Clyde: "Step right up and get your revenge on the Girl Guru. 2 dollars a pie."

[people start paying Clyde while speaking at once.]

Mrs. Johnson: "Great job, guys! This is a fantastic business idea!"

Clyde: "Thanks, Mrs. Johnson."

Me: Thanks Mrs. Johnson.

Laney: Thanks Mrs. J.

Mrs. Johnson: "One pie, please." [pays]

Coach Pacowski: "And two for me." [pays]

Clyde: "You know, we're running a special. Buy four and get the fifth free!"

Coach Pacowski: "Ah, even better." [throws more money] "Heck, I'll take them all!" [cackles]

Lincoln: [worrisome] "Clyde!"

Clyde: "Business is business, Lincoln. Let 'er rip!"

[An iris is about to close on Lincoln but stops; Lincoln gulps and pies splatter on him and he falls off his seat.]

The day is over and everyone has left except for me, Varie, Aylene, Lincoln, Linka, Clyde, Laney and Lily. Lincoln is still lying down from all the pies that were pelted at him. Me and Varie come to help him up.

Me: You alright buddy?

Lincoln: Yeah. I'm fine. At least it worked. But now everyone at school still hates me.

Clyde: Don't worry, Lincoln. I'm sure they hate us too.

Me: Yeah. But if they try something we'll defend you.

Laney: Yeah. We won't let them hurt you.

Lincoln: Thanks, guys.

Varie: That's what friends are for.

We share a hug.

Lincoln: Come on guys. Lets go home.

We all walk home. Inside, the rest of the siblings, Starfire, Raven, Terra, Volcana, Kole, Argent, Lapis, Jessie, Bumblebee, Ed, Edd, and Eddy are all doing their own things, when we come in. They all crowd around us.

Lynn: Guys, you're back!

Lana: How'd it go?

Leni: Are you guys OK?

Lola: Do you guys need any help?

Lincoln: Guys! Guys! I'm fine!

Me: Yeah, although Lincoln will probably need to take a bath.

Varie: I don't think you would want to smell like salt and vinegar for a while.

Lincoln: Yeah, you're right.

We all laugh.

Luna: Come on bro. I'll help you.

Lincoln: Thanks, Luna.

Lincoln and Luna go upstairs.

THE END

Another fanfiction completed.

I didn't know how I was gonna do this one but I hope everyone likes it.

See you next time.