JENNIE
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"So how pissed is JK at me for not going to the festival with you?" I ask as I sit on the corner of the bed, watching Jisoo pack for her three days away.
"I think he's disappointed, but he hasn't said much more about it," she says, tossing a pair of flip flops into her suitcase.
JK was right, Jisoo did ask me to go with her. But, unlike JK, she completely understood why I couldn't.
One of the benefits of my cousin and boyfriend being friends, is that he usually confides in her or asks for advice, and in turn she tells me. I'm not sure if he realizes this or not, but there's very little Jisoo and I don't tell each other.
"I feel bad. There just wasn't any way I could leave Ellie with Irene overnight, let alone for three nights. I wouldn't feel right about it."
"You don't have to explain yourself to me. I totally get it. Were you able to get tomorrow off work?"
"Yeah. Rosé switched days with me so that I wouldn't have to worry about leaving Ellie overnight."
"Good. That makes me feel better. I hate leaving you in a bind."
"Chu." I give her a look that I know she'll understand. "Ellie and I are not your responsibility. You do so much for me. I can't expect you to give up the things you want to do for us."
"That's what family is for."
"But there are limits to that. You already keep Ellie three nights a week. And even though I know it's an inconvenience sometimes, you still do it and never complain."
"Complain?" She stops what she's doing and pins me with a hard gaze. "Ellie is like my daughter too. Of course I would never complain. I love having her here. You know that."
"I know. But sometimes I worry that I ask too much of you."
"Jennie." She plops down onto the bed next to me. "You do not ask too much of me. Hell, you don't ask anything of me. I'm the one that insists."
I let out a low chuckle. "Yeah, you are pretty persistent."
"It takes a village, right?" She pats my leg.
"Even still, I'm glad you decided to go this weekend. You deserve to get away and have some fun. Did you and Rosé end up finding a hotel room?" I ask, knowing she was having trouble lining something up with how little notice she had to plan this trip.
"No." She shakes her head. "Everything was completely booked. I've been calling all the surrounding hotels daily to see if there have been any cancellations but no luck."
"So what are you going to do?"
"I guess we're going to stay with JK and Suga." She throws her dark hair over her shoulder and crosses her legs.
Jisoo is beautiful. And not in the understated way. No, she's in your face gorgeous. Tall as me, slender, defined cheek bones, full lips, and just the right amount of curves. I swear she got every pretty gene our family had to offer.
And even though our moms are sisters, they look nothing alike. And frankly, neither do me and Jisoo.
"Wait, what?" I hitch a brow. I know JK had said that if I came, we could stay with them. I wasn't aware the offer stood if I didn't come.
"I mean, if that's okay?" She misreads my reaction.
The thought of my boyfriend spending three nights in a hotel room with two women that aren't me should bother me. Only it doesn't. Not really, anyway. Not in the way it should. Maybe that's because I know Jisoo, and if JK did anything that would hurt me she'd likely cut his balls off. Even still, I can't help but feel like I should care more.
"Of course it is."
"Not gonna lie, it feels a little weird. But at this point my options are pretty limited. As in I don't have any other options." She laughs. "JK said Rosé and I could share his bed and that he'd get a rollaway. And if they don't have any rollaway beds, he'd sleep on the floor."
"That's very generous of him."
"Well, you know JK. That's just the kind of guy he is."
"Yeah," I murmur.
"Hey." She knocks her knee against mine. "Is everything okay? You seem kind of off."
"No, I'm fine. Just have a lot on my mind."
"Please tell me this doesn't have anything to do with Lisa." Just the mention of her name causes my entire body to tense.
"What?" I balk. "Of course not."
"You're a shit liar. You know that, right?" She grins. "Now spill. What's up?"
"Nothing."
"Listen, I know I'm not very supportive where Lisa is concerned, but if something is going on, you know you can tell me."
"I know. But there isn't anything going on. I went to see her in rehab three weeks ago and that was it. I haven't spoken to her since."
"But that doesn't mean you aren't thinking about her."
"It's complicated. She's Ellie's biological dad. What if she actually gets clean this time? What if she turns her life around? How am I supposed to tell her that she has a daughter that I've been keeping from her for years?"
"I don't know Lisa the way you do, but if she's anything like the girl you never shut up about when we were teenagers, I'm sure she'll understand. You have nothing to be ashamed of, Jen. Sometimes you have to do things to protect your child. Things that may seem wrong or deceitful. But at the end of the day, that little girl is all that matters."
"You're right." I blow out a breath.
"But I have to ask, are you sure that's all there is?"
"What do you mean?"
"I mean, is it just the Ellie thing that's got you all in that head of yours or is there something else?"
"Like what?"
"Like, I don't know. That maybe you still have feelings for her."
"I don't," I deny immediately. "Don't get me wrong, I'll always love Lisa. But what we had was over a long time ago."
"Yeah but saying it's over and it actually being over are two very different things. You can't always dictate what your heart wants. Most often times it doesn't listen."
"What are you implying? That I still want to be with her?"
"Well, do you?"
"Of course not. She's an addict. She'll always be an addict. It was different when it was just me. I could handle her ups and downs. But I have Ellie to think about. And what she needs is stability. Not someone who is going to bounce in and out of her life because she values a needle over her own flesh and blood."
"But what if the drugs weren't a factor?"
"But they are."
"But what if they weren't? Would you feel differently?"
"You know I would. If drugs weren't a factor, I never would have left. Lisa was my whole world. You saw what walking away from her did to me."
"So let's say, hypothetically, that rehab sticks this time. Let's say she's still clean six months from now, or a year from now, do you think that would make you feel differently?"
"Why are you asking me all these questions all of a sudden? Last time I checked, you were as anti-Lisa as they came."
"Still am. I don't think she's good for you, or for Ellie, but something has been off since you went to see her. You've been quiet, in your head. JK has noticed too."
"So that's what the twenty questions is about? JK?"
"Yes and no."
"You're going to have to give me more than that, Chu." I cross my arms in front of myself.
"JK is a great guy, and as much as I wanted you two to get together, if your heart's not in it, maybe you shouldn't string him along."
"Is that what you think I'm doing?" I draw back like she's physically slapped me across the face.
"No. That's not what I'm saying. I just… I'm worried about you. I know the effect Lisa has had on you. That's why I thought it was a bad idea for you to visit her. And I think I was right."
"Maybe you were. Maybe I shouldn't have gone to see her. But what's done is done. I can't go back and make a different choice."
"Then tell me, honestly, how are you feeling? And I mean really. Since you've seen Lisa."
"I don't know." I uncross and re-cross my arms.
I don't know why she's bringing this up now. I told her everything that we talked about and how Lisa looked the day after I saw her. I'm not sure what else she expects me to say.
"No judgements," she reassures me. "I know I'm not the easiest person to talk to about this particular subject, mainly because I want to murder the girl for what she did to you, but I'm here for you and I want you to know that you can tell me."
I consider her words for a long moment before deciding that it might actually do me some good to talk to her about this.
"When I went there, a part of me expected for all those feelings to be gone. I thought that when I saw her, the four years that had passed would have somehow lessened the effect she had on me."
"But it didn't?"
"Not even a little bit. I felt the same way I always did. Excited. Jittery. Overwhelmed. It's like even though my mind knows it's over, my stupid heart still beats like it belongs to her."
"Maybe because it still does."
"Jisoo." I glare at her.
"I'm just saying, you can't help who you love. Does that mean I'm hoping for some miraculous reunion, no. In fact, I'm hoping she falls off the face of the Earth." She smiles. "No offense."
"None taken." I chuckle.
"I guess my point is, you're going to feel how you feel and there's not much you can do to change it. But don't bottle it up inside, either. Don't push away the people that care about you because you don't think they'll understand. And don't ruin the good thing you have with JK because he can't live up to the memory of Lisa. Let's be real, no one ever will. And that's just the sad truth. But what you two have is good. It's really good."
"I know." I blow out a breath. "I just can't help but feel like something is missing."
"Maybe that's because you're holding back. With Lisa you were all in. But you've never truly been all in with JK."
"Maybe." I consider what she's saying. Not able to deny that she's not wrong. I know I've been holding back. I just don't know why.
Maybe it's because I'm afraid to get too close to someone again. Maybe it's because a part of me feels guilty for moving on with someone else when, for half my life, I belonged to Lisa, and her to me. I'm not sure I even fully understand my hesitance.
"He loves you, Jen. And he adores Ellie."
"I know."
As if right on cue, Ellie comes running into Jisoo's room wearing a Cinderella dress and plastic heels, two large beaded necklaces hanging around her neck.
When we moved out, Jisoo kept Ellie's room the same and we left quite a few toys here, including her dress up chest. Because she spends so much time here, Jisoo wanted to keep things familiar for Ellie, which I appreciate more than she will ever know. Ellie tells people she has two homes. Mama's and Aunt Jiji's.
"Oh my goodness." Jisoo stands. "Look how pretty of a princess you are." She kneels down when Ellie stops in front of her.
"I'm Cinderella." She swirls the bottom of her dress.
"You are the prettiest Cinderella I've ever seen." Jisoo taps her nose, causing her to giggle.
"Mama, will you come dress up with me?" She turns her bright blue eyes on me.
"Actually, baby, we need to head home soon. Aunt Jiji has to leave for her trip."
"Nooooo!" she wails, stomping her foot dramatically.
"Ellie." I give her a stern look to which she replies with one of her own. Her forehead is squished together as she squints her eyes and curls her nose.
"Tell you what," Jisoo cuts into our stare off, "as soon as I get back I'll come pick you up and we will go out for ice cream. How does that sound?"
"Can I have cwocolate cwip?" she asks, struggling with the 'w' sound.
"You can have anything you want."
"Okay." Ellie turns, skipping out of the room seconds later like nothing even happened.
"I swear that girl." I shake my head.
"You're going to have your hands full with that one. God help you when she's a teenager."
"Yeah, I'm already trying to mentally prepare myself." I laugh, pushing to a stand. "Well, I guess we should get out of your hair. Will you call me when you make it to the hotel? Let me know you got there okay."
"I will." She pulls me into a quick hug. "And I'll make sure to keep that boyfriend of yours in check."
"You do that." I force a smile that doesn't quite feel genuine. "Speaking of JK, I should probably call him before he hits the road."
"You better do that soon. He's supposed to be here to pick me up in like a half an hour," she informs me of yet another piece of information I did not know. Why neither of them thought it was pertinent to tell me that the four of them were not only rooming together, but apparently making the trip down together as well is beyond me. Any other girlfriend would probably be pissed, and while I don't like being kept out of the loop, I really don't care that much, if I'm being honest. "Now get your cute butt out of here so I can finish packing." She shoos me toward the door.
"Yeah. Yeah." I turn. "Have fun," I say, throwing a wave over my shoulder.
"You know I will," she calls back as I head down the hallway to Ellie's room.
It takes me ten minutes to coax her out of the Cinderella dress, and another five to finally get her out the door. The only problem with keeping so many of her toys at Jisoo's is that she wants to take half of the stuff with her every time she leaves.
As I start to pull away from the curb, I see JK's car pull into the driveway in my rearview mirror. My initial thought is that I should stop to get out and give him a hug and kiss before he leaves, but for some reason it's the last thing I want to do.
So instead, I face forward, pretend like I don't see him, and quickly drive away.
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