JENNIE
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"Kim, we have an ambulance inbound. I need an assist." I stop what I'm doing at the nurse's station and immediately stand, following Dr. Ross to the emergency room ambulance entrance.
It's been a slow night, and while I don't relish the idea of anyone needing emergency medical treatment, I'm kind of glad for the distraction.
Things have been distant between me and JK since he got back from his weekend away, and with Lisa always lingering in the back of my mind, I find myself thinking more than I want to. And when things are slow at work, it gives me more time to do just that.
I slip on a pair of gloves and join Dr. Ross by the door.
"What do we have?"
"Apparent drug overdose."
My stomach drops. Of all the things, of course it would be drug related.
It's less than a minute before the ambulance pulls up to the curb, two paramedics jumping out of the back before lowering the gurney.
"Male, 27, found in his vehicle with a needle in his arm. Unresponsive, administered two doses of Narcan on scene. Flat lined en route, but we were able to reestablish a heartbeat," one of the paramedics rambles off, along with the vitals as he wheels the patient into the emergency room.
It isn't until me and Dr. Ross take over that I get my first look at the patient, and I swear the entire world seems to come to a screeching halt.
Bobby?
"We're going to need some more help here," Dr. Ross yells, the words barely penetrating through my shock as we head toward an exam room.
As soon as we have him in a room, nurse mode kicks in and I start doing all my usual checks, hooking Bobby up to a monitor so we can get a better idea of what we're dealing with. Now isn't the time to focus on who he is. Dr. Ross evaluates him, checking his pupils and his airway before bagging him, pumping air into his failing lungs. Dr. Conner enters the room seconds later, the two working together to try to stabilize Bobby who, to my horror, goes into cardiac arrest.
My heart is pumping a million miles a minute as we work to resuscitate him.
He can't die. That's all I can think. He can't.
I've only seen one drug overdose death in my year on the ER floor. Usually by the time an overdose patient arrives, they are awake and coherent, thanks to the drug Narcan which counteracts the effects of the drug in the patient's system. Typically. Sometimes though, depending on how long the patient goes before the Narcan is administered, and what drugs the person took, it's already too late.
And the sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach tells me that this might be one of those cases.
But I can't think about that right now.
Relieving Dr. Ross, I take over chest compressions as she prepares the defibrillator, not stopping until she calls out "clear", pressing the paddles to his chest moments later. His entire body jerks but the monitor continues to flat line.
"Clear," she calls again, hitting him a second time.
Nothing.
"Clear." She hits him a third time.
"No response." Dr. Conner backs away from the table. "He's been without a heartbeat for nearly fifteen minutes at this point. I think it's time to call it."
I want to yell no, to keep trying, but the next words spoken in the room nearly brings me to my knees.
"Time of death, 4:46 A.M."
Silence falls over the room for several long seconds.
I'm in complete shock as I watch Dr. Ross pull a white sheet over Bobby's body and face.
Bobby. A boy I've known since I was little.
Bobby. Lisa's older brother.
Lisa…
"Kim." Dr. Conner snaps me from my haze. "See if any family is present in the waiting room so they can come back and I can let them know. And if not, see what you can do about tracking down their contact information."
Not sure if I'd be able to form actual words if I tried, I turn and exit the room without responding, feeling like I might vomit at any moment. Tossing my gloves into the trash, I push my way through the double doors that lead out to the waiting room. The sight of Lisa slumped forward in one of the chairs, her face resting in her hands, is the first thing I see.
I don't have time to question why she's already here in the town I live in. How her brother ended up at my hospital of all places. The only thing I can focus on right now is putting one foot in front of the other as I make my way toward her.
When she hears my footsteps, her head jerks up, a look of surprise and confusion tugging at her features as soon as her eyes meet mine.
"Jennie?" She immediately stands.
Typically it's the doctor's job to inform the family of a patient's passing, but one look at my face and Lisa already knows. Even after all this time, she knows me that well.
"No." She shakes her head.
"I'm so sorry." My chin quivers as the emotion I've been pushing away for the last several minutes comes slamming to the surface.
"No!" she repeats.
"We did everything we could."
"No." This time the word comes out on a broken sob. Seconds later her arms are around me, her head going into the crook of my neck as her entire body shakes.
I hold her tightly, trying like hell to keep my tears at bay.
In all the years I've known Lisa, I've never once seen her cry. Not when her mom left. Not when her dad would beat her to a pulp. Nothing. I used to think she was incapable of crying. Now I know I was wrong.
I hear someone approaching from behind, but Lisa has me wrapped so tightly that I can barely turn my head to see who it is.
Dr. Ross' face comes into view moments later. She gives me a look that I understand from working alongside her for the last year.
I nod, letting her know I've got this under control. Her hand brushes my shoulder as she turns and walks away.
I don't know how long we stand like that. Me and Lisa, holding onto each other like we're the only things tethering each other to the earth, and if we let go we both will float away.
It's been so long since I've felt the warmth of her embrace. The strength of her arms around me. It's been too long, yet it feels like no time has passed either. It's that familiar to me. That natural. Because despite everything that has happened between us, in some ways Lisa is still my home.
I used to dream about this. Holding her again. Breathing in her scent. Feeling her heart beat in sync with mine as if there was only one heart between us.
And while I'm devastated over the circumstances that led us to this moment, a part of me can't help but feel grateful to get to experience this one more time.
When she finally releases her hold on me, I have to resist the urge to pull her back in, to keep her close for as long as I possibly can.
But knowing I can't, I let her go. Even though it nearly kills me to do so.
"What…what happened?" she asks. "How did this happen?" Her face is pale.
"Let's go somewhere more private," I offer, trying to hold myself together when the sight of her has me wanting to fall apart.
She nods, following me to a nearby office that's unoccupied. Stepping inside, I wait for her to enter the room before closing the door behind us.
Lisa takes one of the chairs lined along the back wall, and I slide into the one next to her.
"He can't really be gone," she mutters to herself. "I thought Narcan was supposed to save him."
"Narcan can only do so much. Too much time had passed from when the drugs entered his system to when the Narcan was administered. We tried to revive him. I promise you, Lisa, we did everything in our power to save him."
"This is my fault." She looks away, not able to meet my gaze.
"Did you stick that needle in his arm?" I ask. I might sound harsh, but she has to understand that this isn't on her.
"No, but I knew something was wrong. I knew it when I couldn't sleep in the middle of the night and he wasn't home. I should have done something. I should have gone looking for him. You know it happened in the parking lot right outside of our apartment? He must have pulled in sometime after I dozed off on the couch. Had I not fallen asleep… Had I stayed up and waited for him. If I had just gotten up and looked down, I would have seen him sitting there sooner. Maybe then it wouldn't have been too late."
"Lisa, listen to me. This is not on you. You did everything that was in your power. You can't control the choices people make, and you can't be there to prevent everything. You just can't."
"Is that how you felt?" Her watery gaze swings back to mine. "When you found me in the treehouse, is this what it felt like?" She balls her hands together.
"Lisa." I shake my head.
"I never understood what I put you through. How scared you must have been. Fuck, Jennie…"
"That was a long time ago."
"This is my punishment. This is what I get for everything I've done."
"This isn't on you. Sometimes things just happen."
"He was clean, you know. Over a year. I move in with him and a month later he's dead? That can't be coincidence."
"People relapse. And unfortunately it's the ones who've been sober the longest that have the worst outcomes. Because they don't understand their limits."
"He's dead," she repeats like she didn't even hear my response. "He's dead." It's like she's trying to convince herself that it's true. Pushing to her feet, the legs of the chair scrape across the floor. "What am I going to do?" She begins to pace. "Bobby was all I had. Without him I have no family. No place to live. I have nothing."
"Lisa."
"Fuck, I don't think I'll ever be able to go back to that apartment. Not after finding him like that." She blows out a breath.
"We'll figure something out," I reassure her, standing.
"No we won't." Her shock and devastation quickly morphs to anger. "You're not a part of this, Jen. I refuse to drag you into this."
"You're not dragging me into anything."
"You left."
"Because you didn't give me a choice!" I fire back.
"You left. You got away. I refuse to pull you back down into the shit show that is my life."
"You're not pulling me down anywhere. No matter what has happened, no matter how much time has passed, I still care about you, Lisa. And I won't turn my back on you. Not when I can see how much you need a friend right now."
"A friend." She snorts. "Is that what we are?"
"We were friends once."
"Can I… I just need some time. Can you give me some time?"
"Of course." I nod, having to push down the need I feel to stay to give her what she needs. I turn, tugging open the door before pausing outside the room. "Please don't leave," I say so softly I'm not even sure she heard me before slowly pulling the door closed behind me.
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I spend the next couple of hours trying to stay busy, but I make it a point to pass by the room Lisa is in several times during that time, letting out a small sigh of relief every time I peek through the small glass window and see that she's still there.
A few times she was pacing, once she was sitting in the chair with her face in her hands, and the last time I checked on her she was on the floor with her knees pulled to her chest, her head resting on top of them.
It's taken everything in me not to go inside.
It's hard to process everything that's happened tonight. Bobby. Lisa. All of it. I'm not really all that sure that I've actually wrapped my head around any of it.
After reviewing the paperwork Lisa filled out when Bobby was brought in, I'd learned that the apartment where they live is just ten miles or so from my house.
How has she been so close and I never even knew it?
It's almost seven o'clock in the morning and nearing the end of my shift when I finally decide to check in on Lisa. When I crack open the door and peek my head inside, I see that she's still on the floor.
Her head pops up when she hears me enter, her eyes rimmed with deep red circles. She's been crying, that much is clear.
My heart clenches tightly.
"This isn't fair," she mutters when I quietly close the door.
I cross the room, lowering myself down next to her on the floor the moment I reach her. I press my back against the wall and pull my knees up, mirroring her position.
"You're right. It isn't fair. You lost your brother, Lisa."
"I don't need you to remind me." Emotion clogs her voice.
"Let me help you." I soften my voice. "At least for tonight. Come home with me." The words are off my tongue before I really think them through.
I want to scream at myself to shut up, but I can't resist the overwhelming need I have to make sure she's okay. It was one thing to walk away from her when she wouldn't get clean. But to walk away from her on the night she lost her brother, her only family? I don't see how I could do that.
The truth is, I've been mulling the idea over in my head ever since she made the comment earlier about not being able to go home. And even though I had talked myself out of it, deciding that her coming home with me was probably the worst idea ever, and not only because of our history but because of Ellie too. Yet after one look at her and I've completely changed my mind.
"You want me to go home with you?" She seems as shocked by my request as I do.
"You made it pretty clear you don't want to go back to Bobby's apartment, and after everything that's happened, I can't blame you. And you have nowhere else to go. I have a small apartment attached to my garage. It isn't much, but it'll give you a place to crash for a few nights."
"You're offering to let me live with you?"
"No," I shake my head, "I'm offering to let you sleep in my garage apartment for a few nights. There's a big difference."
I know what a bad idea this is. But looking at her now, I'm scared of what she might do if I let her leave alone. I'm scared that tomorrow night it'll be her lying lifeless in that exam room.
"Jen, I can't."
I can tell she's still in a state of disbelief, but eventually the realness of this situation is going to take hold and when it does, I want her to know she's not alone.
Despite everything that has happened, despite all the bad, I know there's still some of the Lisa I love hidden in there and I can't turn away from her. Not when she needs me the most.
"You can. And you will. Under two conditions." I pause. "You have to be able to pass a drug test." I hold up one finger.
I feel guilty bringing it up after everything that's happened tonight, but I can't bring her home with me unless I know she's clean.
"You're going to drug test me?" She seems mildly offended.
"Yes."
"And what's the second condition?"
"You are not allowed to come to the main house for any reason. My life and my home, are off limits." I hold up a second finger.
As much as I want to help Lisa, I have to protect Ellie first and foremost. If I can keep her away from the main house, there's no reason why they should have any interaction at all. Right now, it's the best I can do for all involved.
"So much for us being friends." She brings up my earlier comment, her shoulders slumping forward.
"I want to help you, Lisa. But I have to protect myself too. I hope you can understand that."
"I do." Her eyes go to the ground before she mutters, "And it's more than I deserve."
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