LISA

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It's been the longest three days of my life. I don't think there's been a time I've ever felt more alone and that's saying something, considering everything that I've been through.

But losing Bobby, I don't know. It's left a hole in me that I can't say I've ever felt before. There's this emptiness, this black pit that feels like it's swallowing me from the inside out.

The only thing that makes it even remotely better is knowing that Jennie is so close. Even if I don't see her, it brings me comfort knowing that if I needed to, I could.

She dropped off a few things for me while I was sleeping the other day, but other than that she's kept her distance. Not that I can blame her. After everything I put her through, the fact that she's helping me at all is a shock. I don't deserve it. I don't deserve her kindness. And yet here I am, taking it anyway.

I'm a selfish bastard. I always have been.

I've respected her rules. I haven't gone up to the main house even once, though I've been tempted, and for the most part I've stayed in the apartment. I did venture out yesterday and earlier this afternoon to attend a meeting.

I felt myself slipping. Felt the darkness pulling me under and the familiar buzz of a craving slide through my veins.

I knew if I didn't get to a meeting, it would all be over. I don't think I've ever wanted to use so badly in my life. And yet, somehow I've managed to resist.

I think losing Bobby has made me realize something very important. Something I should have realized years ago. It only takes one time. One time and it's all fucking over. And even though I've teetered on the edge for a very long time, the truth is I don't want to die.

There's a church that does meetings every day less than a mile from here which has been a godsend. Mike told me about it when I called the shop the day before yesterday.

News of Bobby's passing had already spread. I guess it was in the local newspaper, though I couldn't bring myself to buy a copy. I don't want to see it in print. Somehow I feel like that will make it more real.

Though I really don't see how it could get any more real than this.

I press a cigarette between my lips and light it, taking a long drag. Pressing my back to the exterior of the garage, I look out over the back yard.

I hadn't noticed until now, but there's a playset at the very back of the yard, just a few feet from the fence line. Must be from the previous owners. I try to remember if Jennie said how long she's lived here, but I can't seem to pinpoint if she did or not.

I flip my ashes and take another pull from my cigarette.

Bobby's funeral is in two days. I'm dreading it more than anything because sticking him in the ground is going to give it all such finality. Like fuck, he's really never coming back.

I'm never going to hear his laugh again or see his goofy ass smile. It seems so unfair. Losing him after I just found him again. So many wasted years. So much wasted time.

I shake my head, feeling the cloud of regret start to seep in.

When Bobby died, the last thing I was thinking about was a funeral. I never thought I'd be responsible for planning one, figuring I would die before everyone else. But then I realized it was up to me. Who else was going to do it? My alcoholic father who hasn't seen Bobby in nearly a decade? My absentee mother who took off when we were just kids?

Then came the reality that I had no way to pay for it. Who knew that shit was so fucking expensive? I had pretty much accepted I was going to have to cremate him and lug him around in some cheap cardboard box when Devin, the owner of Vance's Auto, contacted me.

I guess he knew there was no way I was going to be able to pay for the services, and given that he and Bobby had become quite close over the last year, he offered to pay for the entire thing. The only catch, he wants me to continue to work at the shop. I think he just wants to keep an eye on me, because he knows that's what Bobby would have wanted.

I didn't want to accept the help. Honestly, it felt wrong to. But at the end of the day my brother deserves a proper funeral, and I'm not in the position to give him one.

Devin took care of all the arrangements. We're having a small graveside service. I really have no idea how I'll ever repay him, but one day I'm determined that I will.

As for work, I plan to go back next week. I have to do something. I can't sit around in this apartment for the rest of my life. I'm going to need to figure out a more permanent living situation soon. I can't imagine when Jennie brought me here she intended I'd be here more than a couple of days.

I can't go back to Bobby's apartment either. Not yet. There's no way I could afford the rent even if I wanted to stay there.

Mike and some of the other guys from the shop went over and packed up his stuff yesterday, leaving me to only handle my own things. They moved all of Bobby's belongings to a storage unit so that, when I'm ready, I can go through everything and decide what to keep and what to let go. I wonder if Bobby had any idea how many people truly cared about him, and in return, me as well.

So the only thing left for me to do now is go over and clear out my room. Not that there's a hell of a lot there. A few little things. Some clothes. That's really it.

When I moved in with Bobby, I was literally starting from the bottom. And I didn't have time to move up the ladder much before everything went to shit.

I arch my head around the corner of the garage when I hear a child squeal.

I spot a little girl running through the front yard, her curly pigtails bobbing up and down.

My back goes rigid when I see Jennie come into view. She chases after the little girl, laughing and scolding her all in the same breath.

When she swoops her into her arms, a cloud of confusion settles over me.

Is that…

Her daughter?

The thought doesn't seem possible. Surely if Jennie had a child she would have told me. Wouldn't she have?

Maybe she's a friend's or family member's child that Jennie is watching. And yet, the matching auburn hair makes me think this isn't the case.

I can't get a good look at her face from this distance, but if I had to guess, I'd say she's the spitting image of the woman holding her in her arms.

My confusion only grows.

I watch the two disappear from view, the sound of the car starting filling my ear drums seconds later.

I stand, dumbfounded as I watch the SUV back out of the driveway and take off down the road.

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