JENNIE
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"So what's your plan?" Jisoo turns, pinning her gaze on me the moment Ellie disappears into her room.
Today is Bobby's funeral, and even though Jisoo doesn't approve of any of my decisions as of late, she took the day off work to keep Ellie anyway. I told her I would have Irene watch her. It's not uncommon for me to add an extra day throughout the week. Sometimes it's so I can run errands, other times when I need a moment to catch my breath. But Jisoo insisted. I think mainly because she knew it would get me here and force me to have a conversation with her that I've been putting off the last few days.
I still haven't forgiven her for telling JK, nor have I really confronted her about it. I need some time. Time to process. Time to figure all this out. Time to decide if being with JK is something I want to fight for.
While I think he's an amazing man, I think I've been trying to force something that wasn't there all along. Even though I will miss him. His easiness and how he makes me laugh, I think ending things is for the best.
I'm still not sure if we are technically broken up. I mean, I assume we are, based on what transpired the last time I saw him. That, and neither of us has tried to contact the other. I thought about calling him, smoothing things over and ending things on a good note, but something tells me that would probably only make things worse.
"What do you mean my plan?" I question my cousin who's looking at me expectantly, waiting for my response.
"You know what I mean, Jennie. Lisa. What's your plan with her?"
"Honestly, I don't know," I admit truthfully.
It's strange, having Lisa so close and yet barely seeing her at all. I've purposely been avoiding her, which is counterproductive to why I asked her to stay with me in the first place. Wasn't the point so I could be there for her? Yet, other than dropping off a few things here and there, I've basically avoided her like the plague.
It's just too confusing. All of it. I still haven't wrapped my head around the fact that she's back in my life, or if I even want her to be. Sure, my life was missing something without her, but it was also easier, simpler.
"It's been five days, Jennie. She can't stay with you forever."
"It's been only five days. That's no time at all. She just lost her brother, Chu. What am I supposed to do, kick her out the day of the service?" I toss my hands up in frustration.
"The sooner you do it, the easier it will be for all parties involved."
"Look, I get that you're worried about me, and I love you for that, but this isn't up to you."
"You're not thinking clearly. You never do when Lisa is involved. You've said so yourself. So if I have to be your voice of reason, so be it. Even if it pisses you off."
"So is that why you told JK? Because you were being my voice of reason?" I narrow my gaze at her. "For someone that's trying to help, you're doing a damn good job of making things worse."
"I'm sorry, okay. I didn't go to work with the intention of telling him. But then he cornered me in the breakroom, said that things felt weird between you two. I said you had a lot going on right now and he pressed. You know how persistent he can be."
"That's still no excuse."
"Maybe you're right. I overstepped and for that I apologize. But I won't apologize for trying to talk some sense into you. Someone has to."
"Did he tell you we broke up?" I cut in.
"He did." Her voice goes quiet. "He's pretty torn up over it. But I reassured him that once Lisa is gone, things will get back to normal."
"Why would you tell him that?"
"Because they will."
"I know you've been rooting for me and JK from the beginning. Hell, you're the one that pushed me to date him. But… I don't know. I don't think he's the right guy for me. I think maybe this breakup was for the best."
"Because of Lisa?" she bites.
"No, because of me. I've known it for a long time now. I just didn't want to admit it to myself because he really is a great guy."
"If he's such a great guy then why are you letting him go?"
"As I said, I don't think he's the right guy for me. Something was missing."
"And you expect me to believe this has nothing to do with your ex?"
"It doesn't. Yes, maybe her being here sped up the process, but it was bound to happen eventually."
She crosses her arms in front of herself. "What is going on with you?"
"Nothing is going on with me. It's just… things are complicated right now."
"Complicated," she states flatly. "As in you've got your drug addict ex-girlfriend living in your garage while you're hiding her daughter inside, hoping she doesn't find out Ellie's exists. God, I sound like a lunatic even saying it out loud."
"I just need to get through these next few days. Things will get back to normal… Eventually."
"Eventually? You mean after Lisa finds out about Ellie and figures out a way to worm her way into your life permanently?"
"Would that be so bad?" My voice gets higher.
"Um, she's a drug addict that nearly killed you in a car accident. Yeah, it would be that bad. What if she relapses? What if next time it's Ellie in the car with her? You can't trust an addict."
"Do you really believe I would allow that to happen? You know me. You know how much I love my daughter. I would die for her without a moment's hesitation. But Lisa being in Ellie's life doesn't mean I would just let her take her."
"You can't be serious. Are you actually considering telling Lisa about her?"
"Yes. No. I don't know." I sigh. "A part of me wonders if it wouldn't be what she needs. Something to live for. Something bigger than herself."
"What she needs? What about what you need? What about what Ellie needs? My god, Jennie, it's like you've suddenly forgotten about everything she's put you through!"
"I haven't. Trust me, I haven't. But I also know that people can change. Addicts can get clean."
"Like her brother got clean." Her jab is below the belt.
"Don't do that." Anger teeters in my voice.
"It's true. Even if you don't wanna hear it. It's true."
"Listen, I don't know what I'm going to do. Maybe I'll tell her about Ellie. Maybe I won't. Maybe I'll let her stay with me longer. Maybe I won't. Either way, it'll be my choice to make. Not yours. And you can either support me or not, but it won't change the fact that this isn't up to you."
"When she almost killed you, when she almost killed your unborn child, who did you come to? Me. Who was there to help you pick up the pieces? Me. Who gave you a home and security? Me. Who helped look after Ellie while you were in nursing school? Me. That girl is like a daughter to me as well." She points toward the hallway. "You're kidding yourself if you think this doesn't affect me just as much as it does you."
"You're right." My tone softens. "And I know you're worried. But Jisoo, I'm asking you to trust me. I'm not that same naïve girl I was when I came here. I know who Lisa is and what she's capable of. And I will protect my daughter at all costs. But if she can stay clean, if she can be a father to her little girl, ultimately that's all I've ever wanted. I won't deny either of them that chance. So I'm asking you to be patient while I figure all this out. You don't have to like it, but I would appreciate it if you wouldn't fight me on it. I know what I'm doing." I reach out and snag her hand, giving it a squeeze.
"Let's hope for all our sakes you do." She gives me a sad smile. "I don't mean to push or overstep, but you and Ellie are my family. The thought of anything happening to either of you…"
"Nothing is going to happen to us. You just have to trust me. I will do this right. I promise. Besides, I haven't even decided for sure what I want to do. This is all just me thinking, tossing ideas around, running scenarios in my head. I've said this to you before, I don't want Ellie to grow up believing that I purposely kept her dad from her. I want her to know that if Lisa's not in her life, it's not because of anything I did."
"And I get that. I just wish… I just wish her dad was someone who was more reliable. What if Lisa stays clean for a while? What if she becomes a part of Ellie's life and then a year from now or five years from now she falls off the wagon and disappears again?"
"What if an asteroid hits the Earth and we all die tomorrow?" I counter. "We can't predict the future. We can only do our best with what we have and hope for a good outcome."
"A week ago you wouldn't have even been entertaining this idea."
"A week ago Lisa had Bobby."
"So what? That makes her your responsibility now?"
"No, but I'm also not going to turn my back on her. Not when she needs me the most. If she were still using it would be different. But she's clean, Chu."
"For now." She snorts. "I just don't get your attachment to this girl."
"You weren't there when Lisa and I were kids. You don't understand the connection we had. We were as close as any two people can be. I know her, the real her. The Lisa she is when she's sober."
"It's been four years, Jen. What if that Lisa is gone?"
"She's not. I saw it when I visited her in rehab and again over the last few days. I won't say she hasn't changed; she has. But I still see her. The girl I would have walked through fire for. She's still in there, despite everything."
"Promise me you'll be vigilant. Drug addicts will find ways to get creative."
"I promise you that if she stays, I will monitor the situation very closely. The first sign of any drug use and I won't hesitate to cut ties completely. But again, this is all a big if. I still haven't decided what I want to do. I figured I'd get through today and make a decision from there."
"I don't like it. But I will try to do as you asked. I will trust you. But I swear to god, Jennie, if I think something is going sideways, I will blow the whistle so fucking hard people ten miles away will hear it."
"I would expect nothing less." I smile for the first time since arriving.
"I love you, you know that. I just want what's best for you and that sweet little girl."
"I know, and I love you too." I pull her into a hug. "And speaking of that sweet girl." I release her and take a step back. "She's been going on all morning about how she's going to give Aunt Jiji a makeover." I chuckle.
"I'm thinking maybe I should be scared." She crinkles her nose playfully.
"Let's just hope you have some makeup remover lying around because you're probably going to need it." I wink. "Make sure to take pictures before you wash it off."
"Why, so you can blackmail me with them later?" she jokes.
"You never know." I shrug.
It's funny how we can fight and pretty much make up in the same breath. It's been like this since I moved here. I guess we really are like sisters.
"I should probably go." I check the time on the wall clock behind Jisoo. "I have to go back to the house and pick up Lisa."
"Okay. Take your time today. Don't rush getting back here. I'm thinking after your daughter paints me into a clown, we might go for lunch and maybe ice cream. Then, I promised her we'd go to the park."
"Sounds like you have the whole day planned."
"I do. I don't get enough Ellie and Jiji days. I'm going to make the most of it."
"Okay, how about I come back and get her after dinner?"
"You know what, I have a better idea. Why don't you just let her stay the night?"
"Jisoo." I give her a questioning look. "You already keep her three nights a week for me."
"Yeah, but you don't bring her until an hour before bed and then she's gone shortly after waking up. We can have a girl's night. We'll pop popcorn, maybe watch Frozen."
"She would love that."
"What do you say? That way you can take care of what you need to take care of. Today will surely be an emotional day. Having one more thing off your plate can't hurt."
"You realize that if I tell Lisa about Ellie, it won't be today right?" I confirm, feeling like maybe this is the real reason she wants to keep her.
"I know. But it might do you some good to spend some time with her without Ellie around. Get a feel for things, ya know?"
"I'm starting to think you have split personalities," I joke.
"Shut up. This is about me and Ellie, not you and Lisa. I could really use this time with her."
"Fine," I concede. While I don't like leaving Ellie when I'm not working, because I like to get all the time I can with her, I know she'll have a blast with Jisoo and it will take some of the worry I have away going into today.
"Yay!" Jisoo claps her hands together. "Now get out of here." She shoos me toward the door.
"Give Ellie kisses for me," I say, knowing that if I go back there and tell her I'm leaving she will throw the fit of all fits.
She does it almost every time I leave her anywhere. I've gotten into a routine of sneaking out while she's playing. If I do that, she's completely fine and doesn't even notice I'm gone until hours later.
"I will. And good luck today. Call me if you need anything."
"I will." I pull open the door and step out onto the front porch. "Love you."
"Love you," Jisoo calls back, seconds before I hear the door close behind me.
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