JENNIE
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"Thanks for the ride," Lisa says from the passenger seat of my car, fidgeting nervously with the seatbelt strap across her shoulder.
"Of course." I nod, honestly not sure how to act right now.
It's been such a weird morning. Between my back and forth with Jisoo and the awkward silent car ride with Lisa, I feel like I'm sitting on pins and needles. My whole body is tight with tension and I find myself questioning everything.
"This still doesn't seem real," she mutters, more to herself than to me.
"Are you doing okay?" It's a stupid question, considering she's about to bury her brother, but I feel the need to ask anyway.
My eyes go to her for a brief moment, taking in how handsome she looks in her dark jeans and black button down. I'm pretty sure this is the most dressed up I've seen her since Senior Prom. It's just unfortunate the circumstances behind it.
Bobby's face flashes in my mind. Well, the Bobby I remember. I can't picture him any other way and I don't want to. The man that died in front of my very eyes. That man was a stranger. Not the boy I had known for years. The one who used to tease me relentlessly about how I'd always follow Lisa around like a lost puppy. That's the person I choose to remember. The young guy with the crooked smile who had a knack for getting under my skin.
"I guess. I kind of feel like I'm living in the twilight zone. Being sober… Everything just feels so real," Lisa answers after a long moment.
"Welcome to reality," I say it as a joke but I worry it comes off sounding condescending.
"Reality sucks," she grumbles.
"It's not all bad."
"I just want to get this over with."
"I understand." I glance in her direction again before my gaze goes back to the road. "It was really nice for the shop owner to pay for the services."
"Yeah." She knots her hands in her lap. "Though it feels pretty fucking pathetic that I can't afford to pay for my own brother's funeral."
"No one thinks you're pathetic."
"I do."
"Well I don't. You're clean. And given everything that's happened over the last few days, I'd say that counts for a lot."
"And yet here I am. Homeless. No money. No real prospects. Guess I'm exactly who my father said I was. A fucking low life piece of shit that will never get anywhere in this world."
"Lisa." I throw her a sympathetic look. "You are so much more than that. Sure, maybe you've hit a few bumps along the way…"
"Bumps?" she snorts. "More like I've gone full speed over fucking boulders."
She's not wrong, so I don't try to dispute her truth.
"Even still, you're here. You're sober."
"I guess," she mumbles, falling silent for a long moment. "Who's the little girl?" My stomach twists tightly at her question.
"What little girl?" I play stupid, swallowing past the thick lump that has suddenly found its way into my throat.
"The little girl in the front yard the other day. The one with the red curls. I saw the two of you when I stepped out for a smoke."
"Ellie." It feels weird saying her name out loud in front of her.
"Ellie." Her eyes are hot on the side of my face.
"She's Jisoo's daughter." The lie rolls off my tongue so easily it's as if I had almost planned to say it all along.
Guilt pounds into my chest. I hate lying to her. I hate that I feel the need to lie to her. But I'm not ready to share the truth with her… Not yet. Not until I know that she's serious about staying clean and getting her life together.
"Jisoo, your cousin?"
I nod. Lisa has never met Jisoo. Jisoo used to come over all the time when I was little, but then our moms had a big falling out and they stopped visiting. But Lisa knows who she is.
"She has your hair."
"Auburn hair runs in the family on my mom's side. Jisoo's mom has it too," I explain away the similarities between me and Ellie.
"Is that why you moved here? Because Jisoo was here?"
"It is. I lived with her while I finished nursing school. She helped me when I had nowhere else to turn."
"I'm sorry." I glance over to see her gaze out the window. "I'm sorry that I drove you away. That you felt like you didn't have any other choice but to leave."
"Lisa…"
"I mean it, Jennie. The shit I put you through." Her face swings back toward mine. "It's inexcusable. Hell, it's unforgivable."
"We all make mistakes."
"Can I ask you a question?" She waits until I nod before continuing, "Why are you doing this? Why are you helping me? After everything I put you through, after everything I've done…"
"Because I know the real Lisa. And I guess in a way I'm hoping that if I help you, I might get to see her again one day."
"I'm not sure that girl even exists anymore."
"She does," I say with complete confidence.
"How can you be so sure?"
"Because I can feel it when you look at me." Our eyes meet for a brief moment before I look back toward the road.
"I wouldn't be so sure," she murmurs. "I really do appreciate you letting me stay with you. I promise I'll be out of your hair before long. I just have to figure out where to go."
"Why don't you just stay?" I offer, once again wishing I could stop the words from bubbling out.
It's like when Lisa is around everything gets jumbled. What I should do and what I end up doing never seem to match up, yet I keep digging my hole further.
"You want me to stay?"
Do I?
I mean, yeah, I want to know she's got somewhere to stay and that she has what she needs, but is it really my job to make sure that she does? Then again, can I really turn her away?
I already know the answer before I've finished asking myself the question.
"The apartment is just sitting there empty. I don't use it. It's not like it's inconveniencing me to have you staying there."
"It's not your job to take care of me. You know this, right?"
"I'm not taking care of you. I'm trying to give you a chance at a better life. If you leave now, where will you go? How long until you end up at a bar, or worse, with a needle in your arm?"
"That's not going to happen."
"You say that now, but we both know it only takes one moment of weakness for all of it to fall apart."
"It's not going to happen. I owe it to Bobby to stay clean. And even if it fucking kills me, I have to do it. For the both of us."
"I hope that you can."
While her determination gives me hope, I'd be stupid to take her words at face value. It's easy to say she won't slip, but actually following through is something else entirely.
"In the meantime, stay in the apartment. Get back on your feet. Give yourself a real chance."
"If I stay, I'm going to pay you."
"Lisa…"
"I mean it, Jennie. I'm going back to work next week. Devin has agreed to let me come on full time. The shop is only a couple of miles from your house so I can walk until I've saved up enough to get a car. It may not be much, but I will pay you something. Whatever I can spare. And I don't want you buying me things either. It's fucking degrading enough having to take handouts. I can buy my own food."
"Okay." I nod in agreement. "But I do have one condition of my own."
"What's that?"
"You have to be able to pass a drug test whenever I ask you to take one. And I'm being very serious when I say this, Lisa. If you fail, even once, you have to leave."
I hate how harsh it sounds but at the end of the day, I have to protect myself and I have to protect my daughter. I've seen how quickly things can change. I witnessed it firsthand when Lisa first started using. I won't go through that again, and I certainly won't put Ellie in the middle of that either.
She nods but doesn't say a single word.
Silence settles over us, and while I want to regret asking her to stay, no part of me does. Because I meant what I said. I want her to have a real chance. And if I can help her get that, shouldn't I help in any way that I can?
She's the father of my daughter. If anyone should be in her corner, cheering her onto victory, it should be me. Because at the end of the day, it's not about me or even Lisa. It's about my sweet baby girl, who deserves the chance to know her father. And not some strung out, half version of her. But the real her. The one I knew. The one I remember so clearly.
"Hey, Jen." Lisa waits until I've pulled into the cemetery and parked the car a few yards from where Bobby's services are being set up.
"Yeah?" I kill the engine and unlatch my seatbelt before turning to face her.
"Thank you. I know I've already said I don't deserve your help, and I don't. But I also know I'm not in a position to turn it away right now either. So thank you. For believing in me. It's been a really long time since someone has."
"You're welcome." I give her a soft smile.
"I honestly don't know how I would have gotten through these last few days without you." She reaches across the console and squeezes my hand.
The contact makes my heartbeat kick up speed. Even after all this time, the effect her touch has on me has not lessened.
"As long as you stay clean, I will continue to be here for you. It's you and me against the world, remember?" I repeat something we said to each other countless times as kids.
"You and me, Jenlisa." Something passes over her features. Sadness. Regret. Hope. It's a combination of so many emotions that I can't pinpoint a single one.
She releases my hand and turns, pushing open the car door before stepping out into the warm morning sun.
"I'm going to head back to the car," I tell Lisa, gently touching her forearm. "Talk to everyone. Meet me there when you're ready."
Bobby's services were basic. A small graveside gathering where a few of his co-workers spoke, as did Lisa. The whole thing lasted less than thirty minutes, and even though I tried so hard to focus on what everyone was saying, I couldn't tear my eyes away from the picture of Bobby propped up behind his casket.
Death is hard to process. One minute we're here and the next we're gone. It's hard to believe that the lopsided smile that stared back at me throughout the entire service will never show itself to the world again. No one will ever hear his voice or his laugh. He's gone. Just like that. With such finality.
"Wait." Lisa grabs my hand before I make it even one step. "Stay with me." Her request is a plea, one that has the emotion that's been sitting on my chest all morning threatening to come to the surface.
I nod once, allowing her to wrap her fingers around mine. I try not to read too much into it. She's hurting and right now she needs something familiar to hold onto. But I'd be lying if I said a part of me didn't wish it meant more. That it could mean more.
I stand silently next to her as various people come up to pay their condolences. Out of the roughly thirty people in attendance, I don't recognize a single one. But it's clear that they all cared for Bobby very deeply.
Lisa is talking to some guy named Mike when I feel her tense next to me. Swinging my gaze to the side of her face, I see something to the right of her has drawn her attention.
"Mother fucker," I hear her grind out, interrupting Mike mid-sentence.
I arch forward to see what she's looking at, my heart dropping into the pit of my stomach the moment I do.
Preston… Lisa's father.
I haven't seen him since I was nineteen, and even with several yards between us I can see that the years have not been kind to him.
"Lisa." I touch her shoulder in an effort to calm the anger I feel radiating off of her.
Without a word she shakes off my touch, releasing my hand as she spins and takes off in the direction of her father. Her feet hit the ground like heavy blocks, her fists clenched at her sides as she crosses the grassy terrain.
"Who's that?" Mike asks from beside me.
"Lisa and Bobby's father," I say, my voice thick.
"Oh fuck."
Based on Mike's reaction, I'm guessing he knows how deeply the bad blood lies within this family.
"Yeah, oh fuck." I share his sentiment.
Nervous prickles pepper up my back as I watch Lisa stop in front of her father. They're too far away for me to hear what they're saying, but I can tell by their body language that whatever it is, it isn't good.
Knowing Lisa's temper and the resentment and anger she harbors for her father, I'm afraid of what she might do. Especially today of all days. Just minutes after she buried her only sibling.
"I'll be right back," I tell Mike, not actually looking at him before I take off toward Lisa.
It doesn't take long before I hear the angry voices accosting my ears. Just a few more feet and I start to catch snippets of what they're saying.
"He was my fucking son!" Preston barks at Lisa, straightening his posture as he pokes his finger into his chest.
I quicken my strides.
"He hated you. Just like I hate you. Now get the fuck out of here before I give you a taste of your own medicine."
"Is that a threat? Big bad drug addict going to show me how tough she is now?" Preston mocks Lisa and I can tell by the strain in her shoulders that it's taking everything in her to maintain a semblance of control.
"That's a promise," Lisa growls, stepping forward so that she and her father are standing nose to nose. "Fucking try me," she warns just as I reach them.
"Lisa." I wrap my hand around her bicep and attempt to tug her backward. "This is not the place."
Preston shoves Lisa backward, causing me to lose my grip on her arm, but giving me an opportunity to step between them.
"Well, well." Preston's eyes roam over my face as recognition flashes in his eyes. "If it isn't little Jennie Kim." He smiles, revealing a mouth of half rotted teeth. My stomach instantly turns.
Lisa presses against my back, and I immediately turn and hold my arms out in an attempt to keep her there. The last thing she needs right now is to throw down with her drunk of a father in front of all her co-workers and Bobby's friends.
"Lisa." I look up at her, but her gaze is laser focused on her father. "Lisa," I say louder, waiting until her eyes come down to mine. "Don't let him do this. Not today. Let's go home," I urge calmly.
"You better do what your little bitch says. She always did have you on a leash." Preston barks out a laugh, by which point it's already too late.
One-minute Lisa is standing in front of me, the next she's completely stepped around me. Her actions so sudden that it takes my brain a second to catch up.
I spin around just in time to see Lisa lay the first punch, a clean shot right across Preston's jaw. He stumbles backward, laughing as he spits a mouthful of blood at Lisa's feet.
"Big girl. Think you have what it takes. I'd like to see you try." Preston's expression turns downright menacing.
"I could break you in a fucking second. Let's not forget, you're only the bigger man when you're beating on children. Well, take a good look, Daddy," Lisa spits. "I'm not a fucking little kid anymore."
"No, you're just a worthless, waste of space. A nobody. A junkie. I'm ashamed to be your father."
"Well lucky for you, you aren't my father. You may have brought me into this world but DNA doesn't make you a parent." Lisa balls her fists. "Now, I'm going to say this only once more. Get the fuck out of here. No one wants you here. I don't and I know Bobby sure as hell wouldn't."
"This is my son's funeral and I have every right to be here. You want me to leave. Make me." Preston purposely goats Lisa.
"Lisa!" I grab her arm as she moves to swing again, and the momentum of her arm knocks me back a couple of feet moments before she lands another punch, this one right below Preston's eye. The flesh splits open and blood starts to trickle down his cheek.
The next thing I know, Lisa and Preston are on the ground. Preston gets one good hit on Lisa before Lisa has him pinned on the ground. She rears back, landing another blow to Preston's face and then another.
I stand horrified, not sure what the hell I should do.
It seems like hours pass between the moment they hit the ground to when Mike and Devin suddenly appear, pulling Lisa off of Preston, but in reality it was likely only seconds.
"Calm the fuck down." Mike shoves at Lisa's chest when she tries to make another move toward Preston.
Devin helps Preston to his feet. Even bruised and bleeding, he still has the same smile on his face. The one tempting Lisa to come at him again.
And Lisa tries, to the point that Mike has to shove her several feet back to keep her from lunging for Preston again.
"You need to leave," Devin, a much larger man than Lisa, tells Preston. His intimidating frame towering over the scrawny older man.
"This is my son's funeral," he argues.
"And now it's over. Now leave before I call the police."
"Call the fucking police."
"You sure you want me to do that?" Devin gives him a look that says perhaps he should think again. "Because based on the smell of you, I'm going to bet there's at least one open container in your car. And if I had to take a wager, my money would be on the fact that you've probably had your fair share of alcohol related charges. You sure you want me to get the cops involved?"
"I'm an innocent man. She hit me first." He points toward Lisa who seems calmer but only mildly. Her eyes are still pinned on her father from over Mike's shoulder.
"You sure? Because the way I saw it, you hit her first."
"What?" Preston draws back.
"You did. I saw it. Mike," he hollers to the man standing with Lisa. "You see him throw the first punch?" He gestures to Preston.
"Yep. Sure did." Mike nods.
"What about you?" His brown eyes come to me. "Who threw the first punch?"
Without a word, I point toward Preston.
"You're liars. All of you."
"Guess it doesn't much matter now, does it. So the choice is yours. Walk away now or face an assault charge, along with all the other charges they will likely slap on you."
Preston opens his mouth, his gaze wild with anger. He's not a man that's used to being put in his place. Though he's withered away to near bones now, when Lisa was young, Preston Manoban was a man to be feared.
His eyes go from Devin to Lisa and then narrow into slits as they come to me. I can tell he wants to say something, though I have no idea what. It's not like he knew me well when Lisa and I were younger and dating. In fact, I avoided him at all costs. Though sometimes that wasn't possible. Especially when he'd come looking for Lisa at my house.
Now that I think about it, he probably doesn't even know Lisa and I broke up or that I moved away. Not that he cares one way or another, but it shows how far removed he is from his daughter's life.
He stares at me for a long moment before his gaze snaps back up to Devin.
"What kind of man stops a father from attending his own son's funeral?"
"The kind of man who knows how much that son despised him."
Preston seems taken aback by this statement, yet how could it be a surprise to him? Maybe hearing from someone other than Bobby or Lisa is different. Maybe seeing that other people know who he is and what he put those kids through makes it more real.
Preston squares his shoulders and without a word, turns and walks away. We all watch him grow smaller and smaller in the distance until eventually he disappears over the hill that dips down to the road.
I immediately turn and make my way toward Lisa.
"Are you okay?" I ask, nodding to Mike who finally steps out from in front of Lisa. He joins Devin a few feet from us and the two talk quietly amongst themselves as they make their way back to the other people still in attendance.
"How could he do that?" Her nostrils flare as she stares down at her hand. It's bleeding, two of her knuckles busted open. "How could he show up here? How did he even know about it?"
"It was in the paper. They always run that kind of stuff. Someone must have seen it and told him about it."
"When I asked him what he was doing here, he acted appalled. Like how dare I question why he would come to his son's funeral. Can you believe that? We were never his child. We were his fucking punching bags."
"Lisa." I rest a hand on her bicep, sensing the anger rising in her again. "You can't let him get to you. This is Preston. This is what he's always done."
"But at Bobby's funeral?" She shakes off my hand before both of hers plunge into her hair. She tugs on the strands, letting out a loud growl of frustration. "I have to get out of here."
"Okay, I'll take you home."
"No. I need to be alone." She abruptly steps past me.
"Lisa!" I call after her. To my surprise she stops and turns.
"I'm fine, Jen." Her voice is softer as she reassures me. "I just need some time." With that, she spins around and walks away, leaving me torn between respecting her wishes to be alone and my own self need to go after her and make sure she doesn't do anything stupid.
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