JENNIE
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..
It's been two days since I slept with Lisa. Two days since I slipped on my nightgown and ran out of the garage apartment like someone had lit it on fire.
In the moment it was everything. But as I came down from the most intense high I think I've ever experienced, reality started to sink back in and regret was the first thing I felt.
As if sleeping with her wasn't bad enough, I did so without protection. How I could ever be so careless I'm not sure I'll ever understand. And while yes, I am protected from pregnancy after getting an IUD shortly after Ellie was born, it's not the pregnancy aspect I'm worried about.
I have no idea who she's been with over the last four years. Not to mention how many diseases can be spread through the use of needles. And let's be real, how many drug addicts make sure they're following safe practices before injecting themselves with heroin?
I've had a sick knot in the pit of my stomach ever since then, and while a part of me thinks maybe I'm just being paranoid, the other part of me is really concerned about where my poor choices could lead me.
It's not fair to her. She asked me to stop her. Hell, she practically begged me to. And what did I do? Certainly not what she asked of me.
Instead, I acted like a reckless teenager with no thought about the consequences of my actions.
"You okay?" Jisoo pulls me from my thoughts as I work to strap Ellie into her car seat. "You seem quiet today."
"I'm fine. Just got a lot on my mind." I kiss my daughter's forehead before standing upright, closing the car door seconds later.
"A lot on your mind?" She studies me for a long moment. "Wouldn't have anything to do with the girl you have living in your garage, would it?"
"Unfortunately," I mutter, shuffling my feet.
"What happened?" She leans against the driver's door, her keys dangling from her fingers.
Because Jisoo worked late tonight, she offered to swing by and pick up Ellie on her way home so that I didn't have to bring Ellie over. I'm thankful too, because given how late it's getting, I would have been pushing it to get to work on time.
"Wait," she continues before I have a chance to answer. "You slept with her, didn't you?"
I have no idea how she hit the nail so squarely on the head.
"What?" I balk like it's the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard.
"Oh my god. You did. Didn't you?"
"Jisoo." I blow out a breath.
She bites her bottom lip, likely to silence herself from saying the first thing that pops into her head.
" Jen." She gives me a disapproving look.
"I was drunk, okay." I toss up my arms in frustration. "I know that's not an excuse, but there it is. She came home the evening of Bobby's funeral. She was so torn up. I was feeling bad for her. It was a moment of weakness."
"So what, are you two getting back together?"
"What? No, of course not. It was a one-time thing."
"I hear what you're saying but I can't say that I believe you. You've never seen clearly where that girl is concerned. And what about JK?" she hammers on. "He's still holding out hope that you two will be able to work things out."
Of course she would choose now to throw JK in my face.
He's tried to call me a couple of times, but I have yet to answer. I don't know if it's because I don't want to talk to him or because I don't want another person lecturing me about how skewed my decision making seems to be these days.
"I didn't cheat on him," I bite, feeling like this is what she's implying. "We broke up."
"I know that. But seriously, Jen. You have an amazing guy that's walking around like a lost puppy because he's so in love with you and here you are, sleeping with your ex, who happens to be a drug addict, might I add."
"Recovering addict," I correct her.
"Yeah, for now." She scoffs.
"Listen, I get that you want things to work with me and JK, but it's not going to happen. At least not right now. I need some time to figure all this out."
"You mean you need time to see if things are going to work out with Lisa."
"No." I shake my head. "Things right now are just… complicated."
A noise from the backyard pulls both of our gazes to the side. My stomach does a full flip when I see Lisa round the garage and start down the driveway toward us. She looks even more handsome if that's even possible.
She's got a ball cap pulled low on her forehead. Dressed in faded jeans and a gray Ole Miss shirt that I instantly recognize.
When we were younger, Lisa wanted to go to the University of Mississippi. Not that she had any real aspirations as far as careers or anything. I think it was more about the experience. Shortly after I started my first job, I went shopping with some friends and came across this shirt. So I bought it for her. I'm honestly surprised she still has it, and that it's not riddled with holes.
"Well, they're about to get even more complicated," Jisoo mutters under her breath.
"Hey." A hesitant smile passes over Lisa's face as she reaches us, her eyes bouncing between me and Jisoo.
"Hey." I try to see normal but really, what is normal at this point?
"Hi. I'm Jisoo." My cousin turns, extending her hand to Lisa.
"Lisa." She takes her hand, giving it a brief shake.
"I've heard a lot about you."
"Not very good things I'm sure." Lisa switches her weight from one foot to the other.
"Well, it's nice to finally put a face to the name." Jisoo purposely avoids commenting on her statement.
I refrain from pointing out that she's seen pictures of Lisa from when we were teenagers, so technically she already had a face to put to the name.
"Yeah, you too." Lisa leans to the side when a loud squeal comes from the car. A smile crosses her lips when she sees Ellie bouncing impatiently in the backseat. "Your daughter is beautiful, by the way. I saw her the other day when she was here visiting."
I watch Jisoo's eyebrows shoot up, her gaze sliding to me for a brief moment. Clearly she reads my expression right because her features smooth and she nods. "Thank you. She's a handful from time to time."
"Redheads." Lisa chuckles, her blue eyes meeting mine. "I apologize for interrupting; I was hoping I could talk to you for a minute." Her gaze meets mine.
"Actually, I'm getting ready to leave for work." I gesture down to my dark blue scrubs."
"I see that." She rocks back on her heels. "It won't be long. Two minutes."
"I should get going anyway," Jisoo interrupts before I can answer. "I'll see you tomorrow."
"Yeah, see you tomorrow." I step away from the car, giving Ellie a wave through the window.
"Mama!" she calls for me when Jisoo opens the door, but luckily my cousin is fast on her feet and covers it quickly.
"I'm here. We're going, little Miss Impatient." She smiles in the rearview mirror before closing the door. Seconds later, Jisoo's backing out of the driveway, waving at me as she drives away.
"So, that's Jisoo." Lisa pulls my attention back to her.
"It is."
"She seems nice."
"She can be. But don't let her fool you. She can also be a major pain in the ass."
"Can't we all." She laughs, a nervous twitch to her voice.
"So you said you needed to talk to me?"
"Yeah, I um, I hate to ask you this, but do you think there's any way you could give me a ride over to Bobby's apartment? I need to get my things before Tuesday or they'll end up tossing them out."
"I'm on my way to work."
"No, I know. Not right now, obviously. But tomorrow, maybe?"
I think over my schedule. I'm off for the next three days after tonight, so as long as Irene is okay keeping Ellie an extra hour tomorrow I could run her over after I get up.
"It's just, well, I kind of need my clothes. Especially since I'm going back to work in a couple of days."
"Yeah, no that's fine. I should be able to run you over tomorrow afternoon."
"Tomorrow afternoon would be perfect. I would walk but it's a few miles away. Getting there wouldn't be a problem but walking back with all my things might be."
"It's no problem."
"Thank you." She shoves her hands into the pockets of her jeans. "So, um, are we going to talk about what happened the other night or are you going to continue to avoid me?"
"I'm not avoiding you. I've been working."
She gives me a look that says she doesn't buy my excuse. "I know you, Jennie. This doesn't have to be weird. We had sex. It's nothing we haven't done a thousand times before."
"But this time is different."
"How so?"
"Because I don't want to lead you on. Because I don't want to give you the wrong impression about what's happening here."
"Right, because you have a boyfriend."
"Actually, I don't."
"Oh." She seems surprised by this news. "What happened?"
"I don't want to get into that right now. I just think if we want to make this living arrangement work, then we need to keep things as uncomplicated as possible. Friends. Nothing more."
"If that's what you really want." She tries to act unaffected by my words, but I can see the disappointment she's trying to hide.
Was she hoping we'd be more? That we'd pick back up like nothing had happened over the last four years?
"It is." I nod. "But, I do have a question…" It takes me a moment to gather the strength to say the words. "We, uh, we didn't use protection."
"We never have. Why? Are you not on birth control?"
"No, I am. But back then I had only been with you and you had only been with me."
"Is that what you're worried about? That maybe I gave you something?" Her shoulders go tight and I can tell she's offended. Hell, I would be too. But it's a legitimate concern.
I crinkle my forehead in apology. "Can you blame me?"
She thinks on that for a moment.
"No, I guess I can't. But I will say, I don't recall a time that I've ever slept with someone without protection."
The confirmation that she's been with other women is like a sucker punch to the stomach. Of course I knew she had, but hearing her say it? It hurts a lot more than I thought it would.
"That you recall." I swallow past the hard knot in my throat.
"Look, I get why you'd be concerned. But rest assured, I'm clean."
"How can you be so sure?"
"Because there's a lot that can be contracted through needles. I had a full panel done while I was in rehab. Other than some useless veins and a mildly damaged liver, I received a clean bill of health."
I blow out a sigh of relief. I knew I had been worried, but I didn't realize just how worried until this exact moment.
"I'm sorry. I wasn't…"
"Don't apologize. I get it. I'd be worried too if I were you."
"You still have it." I completely change direction, pointing to her t-shirt.
"Of course I do. You gave it to me." My heart does a little flip in my chest.
"Well, I should probably get inside and finish getting ready. My shift starts in twenty."
"Okay." She steps to the side to let me pass. "Hey, Jen," she calls just as I reach the front porch. "For what it's worth, the other night… I don't regret it. Not a single moment of it. Well, except maybe for the part where you ran away right after." She smiles up at me and I swear it's like I'm looking at the old Lisa.
Something inside of me swells, making me feel full and weighted.
"I'll see you tomorrow," I say before turning around and heading inside the house.
..
"Knock, knock." I tap lightly on the apartment door before pushing it open. "Lisa," I call, stepping inside.
"I'll be out in just a sec," she calls from the bathroom.
I close the door behind me, looking around the small space. It's weird, how even though I own this it feels like I'm walking into a stranger's house.
I turn, visions from the night of Bobby's funeral flashing through my mind. Lisa's hands on my body, her thick length inside of me as she took me against the door. Just thinking about it makes my skin flush.
"Hey." I jump at the sound of Lisa's voice, turning to see her exit the bathroom in dark jeans, sports bra but no shirt.
It's the first time I've gotten a good look at her body and I'm stunned by how in shape she is. Then again, she did spend three months in rehab. I'm sure she had a lot of time to exercise while she was there.
She looks almost as I remembered her, only a little more filled out. Plus a small stretch of ink going down her side that wasn't there when we were kids.
"Hey." I force my eyes up her face.
"I'm almost ready." She turns to grab the shirt off her bed. She slides it over her head before turning back to me. "Thank you again for doing this."
"It's really no problem." I force a smile.
"How was work last night?"
"It was work." I shrug. "A pretty quiet night to be honest."
"Well given your line of work, I would say a quiet night is a good night."
"Yeah."
"I still can't believe you're a nurse. You said you were going to do it and you did, despite everything." Something passes over her face but it's gone before I can pinpoint what it is.
"It wasn't easy," I admit. "But I love it."
She smiles as she takes a seat on the edge of the bed, sliding her shoes on. Her hair is still wet from the shower.
"We won't be gone long. I'm sure this isn't how you want to spend your day off."
"It's okay." I shrug. "I could think of worse ways to spend it." My admission brings a small smile to her lips.
"Welp, I'm ready." She stands and walks toward me.
"Awesome." I turn, opening the door and trying to keep my mind from going back to a couple of days ago when my back was pressed against it. I still have marks on my skin as evidence, as if I need a physical reminder. I'm pretty sure that night will be embedded in my brain for the rest of my life.
I step out into the warm afternoon heat, Lisa not far behind me. She pulls the door closed as she exits the apartment and follows me silently to my car.
Dropping into the driver's seat, I wait until Lisa is inside and has her seatbelt latched before starting the engine.
Her head turns toward the backseat as I pop the car into reverse and back out of the driveway.
"For Ellie?" she asks as I switch into drive and slowly take off down the street.
"Huh?" I question.
"The car seat."
"Oh." I glance behind me before turning my focus back to the road. When I brought her home that first day, and then for the funeral, I'd removed it. I'd figured that was easier than answering unnecessary questions. But now that she knows about her, I didn't think to take it out again. "Yeah. It's easier than having to swap when I, uh, babysit her." It feels weird saying that, considering she's my daughter.
"Makes sense." She nods, not questioning it further.
We make the short drive in silence, the radio playing softly in the background. Lisa already told me what complex the apartment is in, though when we pull into the lot she has to direct me on which way to go.
After pulling into a vacant spot outside of building 400, I slide the car in park and kill the engine.
"You can wait here," Lisa tells me, shoving open the car door.
"No, I'll come up and help you." I unlatch my seat belt and climb out of the car.
"I don't need a babysitter," she tells me as I join her on the sidewalk.
"I'm not babysitting you. Just thought maybe you could use a friend."
"A friend?" She eyes me curiously. "Oh, that's right. We're friends now," she says more to herself than to me.
Without another word, she turns on her heel and heads to the door, punching in a passcode before tugging it open. She waits until I step inside before following me in.
The apartment complex isn't the nicest in town, but it's not the worst either. The buildings are a little old and weather worn, but for the most part have seen proper up keep. It's not a bad neighborhood either.
I don't know why, but the thought makes me sad. I knew Bobby was doing well before he relapsed but seeing just how far he had come to lose it all in one moment of weakness, really does go to show that no one is ever out of the woods. At least not when you're an addict.
As I follow Lisa up the staircase to the second floor, I wonder what that means for me and Ellie. Will it always be like this? Us waiting for the other shoe to drop. Waiting for Lisa to give into temptation and fall back into her old habits? Or worse, have her end up dead.
I know what a risk this is. Trust me, I do. But there's something inside of me that keeps whispering in the back of my mind that I need to try. That I'll never forgive myself if I don't.
Lisa stops in front of a door with 2E bolted on the front. Jamming a key inside, she turns the knob, and pushes the door open, hesitating in the open doorframe.
"You okay?" I ask after several long moments have passed.
"What?" she questions like she doesn't understand why I'm asking. As if in that moment she realizes that she hasn't moved, she steps forward. "Let's make this quick." She flips on the light which illuminates the bare apartment.
"Where is everything?" I ask, gesturing around the living room.
"A few of the guys at the shop cleared Bobby's stuff out a few days ago. They put it in storage for me."
"That was very thoughtful of them."
"Yeah." She blows out a breath, taking a long look around the room. "Come on. My room is back here." With that, she takes off down the hallway toward the back of the apartment.
Veering into the first room on the left, she flips the light switch and enters the space, with me right on her heels.
The room is pretty bare. An old bed. A few unpacked boxes. It's clear she wasn't here long. Another wave of sadness washes over me.
After Bobby left, all Lisa wanted was to have her brother back. She didn't talk about it much but I know how badly she missed him. Then, well, everything happened. It wasn't until this past stent in rehab that Bobby and Lisa reconnected. How little time she got with him before she lost him forever.
I know deep inside she's probably barely holding on, but as she always did when we were kids, she puts on a brave face for me. Or at least I think it's for me. Hell, maybe at this point it's for herself. Maybe she's trying to convince herself that she's okay.
I know if I were in her shoes, I wouldn't even be close to okay. I'm not close to either of my siblings, yet the thought of anything happening to them guts me.
"I just have these boxes here." She gestures to a stack of three boxes in the corner. "And what's in the closet." She tugs open the door and pulls out some clothes, hangers and all, tossing them on the bed.
Turning, she picks up an empty box off the floor and begins shoving the clothes inside, not bothering to fold anything.
"I'll take these out to the living room," I say, grabbing the top box from the corner. It's surprisingly light and doesn't take much effort to carry to the front door.
When I reenter the bedroom, Lisa is coming out, two boxes balanced on top of each other.
"There's just the one with the clothes on the bed left," she tells me.
I nod, grabbing that box before following her back into the living room.
"What about the bed?" I ask, setting the box next to the others.
"I'm going to leave it. Bobby got it as a hand me down. It's not worth keeping."
"You sure?"
"Yeah." She nods, taking another long look around the apartment. "It feels weird, being here. So fucking weird." She shakes her head.
"I know this can't be easy on you." My hand settles on her forearm. For some reason I feel like maybe the human contact will help, though I don't know if it's more for her or for me at this point.
"It's fine." She shakes her head. "Let's get these down to the car and get out of here." She leans forward and grabs the two boxes stacked on top of one another, balancing them against her chest.
I step past her and tug the door open for her, grabbing one of the other boxes before following her down to the car.
We slide them into the back hatch.
"I'm going to go grab the last box. I'll be right back." Before I can respond, she takes off toward the building.
I lean against the side of my SUV, looking around the parking lot. This is where it happened. This is where Lisa found Bobby in his car with a needle hanging out of his arm. This is the last place she saw her brother alive.
I'm so lost in my thoughts that I don't hear Lisa approach until she's right next to me, loading the last box into the car.
"I just need to drop my key off at the leasing office, then we can head out." She reaches up, closing the hatch.
"Okay." I cross around to the driver's side and tug the door open.
"It's the first building when we pulled into the complex," she tells me, settling in the seat next to me.
I nod in confirmation, backing out of the parking spot before heading toward the front of the complex.
"You know, if you ever need to talk, about anything, I'm here," I say softly, pulling up next to the leasing office building.
"I know." She forces a smile that doesn't quite reach her eyes. "I'll be right back." She jumps out of the car before I have a chance to put it into park.
I watch her jog down the sidewalk and disappear inside the leasing office, re-emerging less than thirty seconds later.
"All set?" I ask as she slides back into the passenger seat.
"Yep." She nods, sliding her seatbelt back into place.
It was such a simple trip. In and out. No fuss, no muss. And yet I felt Lisa slip further and further with each minute that passed and now she seems so distant.
And it's nothing that she's doing. She's not showing any real outward emotion. In fact, she's acting like everything is fine, which is how I know it's not. This is what she does. When she's in pain, when she's suffering, she tries to pretend like everything is fine. It's her coping mechanism. It has been since we were kids.
"Could you do me a favor?" Lisa asks as I pull out into the street.
I nod.
"Could you drop me by Crossroads Church on the way home? It's about a mile from your house."
"I know where it is."
"I will get my stuff out of the car when I get back. I just… I could really use a meeting right now."
"Of course. I can come with if you want."
"That's not really how NA works." A hint of a smile tugs up one side of her mouth. "But thank you for the offer."
"Well, I can wait outside."
"You don't need to do that. It'll be a while."
"Do you want me to come pick you up when it's over?"
"Jen." She reaches across the console and snags my hand, wrapping her fingers around it. My stomach swirls at the contact. "I don't need you to do anything, okay. Just drop me off."
"Okay," I agree softly.
"I appreciate you trying to help me, really I do. But you can't help me with this."
"Okay," I repeat, feeling the loss of her touch the second she pulls her hand away.
She relaxes back into her seat, her gaze going out the window. The silence engulfs us once more and I'm left feeling uneasy and on edge.
I know it's not my job to take care of her, but it's a hard habit to break when I spent nearly half my life doing just that… Taking care of her.
I drop her off at the church a few minutes later. I'm not proud of myself, but after she went inside I waited in the parking lot a good fifteen minutes before driving away. I worried that going to a meeting was a cover and that after I left she'd go looking for a score.
It's awful to think the worst of someone, but when you've seen them at their worst for so long, it's difficult not to.
..
When I get back to the house, I decide to take Lisa's boxes into the apartment for her. I don't want to risk her coming to the house after I've brought Ellie home.
I stack the first three boxes right inside the door before I head back out for the fourth. It's heavier than the other boxes and I struggle with it a little on my way back to the garage. As soon as I get inside the door, I all but drop it on the floor. Unfortunately, it lands too far to one side and topples over, spilling the contents onto the floor.
"Shit," I mutter to myself, pulling the now empty box upright.
Crossing around to the other side, I look over the items scattered at my feet. There are several notebooks, some sketching pencils, a sketchbook, and an old tattered bible, among other things.
Leaning over, I begin picking the items up, placing them back into the box. I pause when I get to a notebook that had fallen open. I tell myself to close it and put it away, but the sight of Lisa's handwriting filling the entire page has my curiosity more than piqued.
Reaching down, I pick up the notebook, my eyes scanning the page. The date of February twelfth of this year is scribbled across the top.
Today has been hard. Fucking harder than any other day. I'm only a week in. A week and yet it feels like I've been here a year. I want to get high so bad I can literally taste it on my tongue. It's all I want. My skin itches for it. My veins ache for it. It's like having the worst fucking itch in the world and not being able to scratch it. I want to claw my way out of my own skin.
Dr. Bennett talked a lot about regret today in our session. He had me make a list of everything I regret since I started using. The list was pretty short because there's only one thing I regret. Only one thing that haunts me every night in my dreams.
Jennie…
I slam the book shut, my heart beating so hard and fast it feels like it might burst from my chest at any moment.
She thought of me?
I always imagined that the memory of me had slipped into the abyss. That the drugs had erased me. That after I had left, Lisa was too high to care that I was gone.
Dropping the book into the box, I pick up another. I know I shouldn't, but I can't help myself.
Flipping through a few pages, every single one filled from top to bottom in Lisa's handwriting, I stop on a random page that catches my eye. There's a symbol drawn across the top. A curved arrow with Jennie written along the bent shaft, the tip dripping with blood.
I stare at the sketch for a long moment, wondering why she drew it, wondering what it means, before I turn my attention to the words on the page.
This one is dated two and a half years ago. I think back, guessing that this was probably her first stent in rehab.
I miss her. Fuck how I miss her. Every day when I wake up. Every night when I close my eyes. Every single second of every single day. She's all I can think about. All I care about. I want her more than I want the needle in my arm. That's why I'm here.
I don't deserve her, I know that. But I'm a selfish asshole. And if there's any chance I can get her back, I don't think I could walk away from that. Even if it meant I'd end up hurting her in the end.
I need her.
I need her more than air.
I need her more than food or water.
I need her more than the high.
She is the answer to everything.
Jennie…
My name has been traced over several times with the pencil, making it dark and almost illegible.
I blink back the tears that form behind my eyes and immediately move to grab another notebook.
This one is from a year and a half ago and even though I can't bring myself to read anymore, I don't miss my name etched onto almost every single page.
Feeling suddenly sick to my stomach, I throw the remainder of the notebooks back into the box and shove it next to the others before quickly exiting the apartment.
..
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