JENNIE
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"Tell me them again," I say, snuggling into Lisa's side.
We've been lying in bed for most of the day. I did manage to get a few hours of sleep in between other things and when I woke up, I felt different somehow. Lighter. As if finally admitting the truth did set me free, as cliché as that sounds.
"Admitting we are powerless over our addiction. Believing that a power greater than ourselves can restore sanity. Deciding to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God. Making a fearless moral inventory of ourselves."
"What's that one mean again?" I ask, just wanting to understand everything she's had to do and everything she's still doing in an effort to turn her life around.
She indulged me the first time I asked her to run me through the 'Twelve Steps' but having not really understood most of what they entail, I want more detail this time.
"I had to write everything I've ever done down. The good, the bad, the downright ugly. And the next step is admitting to God and myself and to another human being the nature of my wrongs. Meaning, I had to say it out loud to someone else."
"Who did you admit your wrongs to?"
"Bobby." She shifts next to me, her hand going into my hair as she mindlessly twirls a strand around her finger. "That was one of the hardest parts. Being completely transparent with someone. Owning up to everything I had done. It was easier with him because he understood the difficulty in this step, but it was still painful as hell. It's in our nature to downplay and make excuses, but this process doesn't allow for that. That's why it says fearless. You have to be fearless in your admission. You have to be brutally honest. And for someone who's spent a very long time fucking things up, admitting to all those things was worse than I thought it would be. But once I did it, once I said it all out loud and forced myself to face it, I felt a weight I hadn't realized I was carrying lift from my shoulders. That was probably one of the best and yet most trying days."
"I can't imagine doing something like that. Facing everything."
"It wasn't easy." She turns her face, pressing a soft kiss to my forehead.
"Keep going."
"Okay, where was I?" She thinks over what she's already listed. "You are entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character."
"How does that work? You've never really been much of a believer in God."
"It's not about God, per se. It's about believing in something bigger than yourself, in whatever form that is. I had to turn it all over and accept there is this higher power. And that takes us into number seven, asking that higher power to remove our shortcomings. Number eight was probably one of the more challenging parts for me. Making a list of all the people I had harmed and be willing to make amends to them all."
"That's why you asked me to come see you in rehab."
"It is." I feel her nod against me. "Step nine is making direct amends to the people we hurt."
"What's ten again?"
"Continuing to take personal inventory and when I'm wrong, promptly admitting it."
"That's a big one."
"It is. But being able to step back and see the bigger picture is liberating. Every night I run through all my triggers, the things I know drive my addiction. If I did something, if I behaved a certain way, I make a mental note not to do it again. It's all about breaking habits and distancing myself from my addictive behavior."
"I can't imagine doing that every single day."
"It keeps me accountable. It's all about being honest with myself."
"Eleven is prayer and meditation, right?"
"Yes, it's all about maintaining a relationship with your higher power." She pauses. "And then step twelve is having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps and to practice these principals in our everyday lives."
"That's a lot to remember. You seem to have it down," I observe, guessing at this point she's probably memorized every step and what it means word for word.
"At first it's a little overwhelming. But once I found that peace I was desperately looking for, and I really committed and started doing the steps, I was able to see why I was never successful in recovery before. Because this time I didn't just go through the steps, I lived them. And I will continue to live them every day for the rest of my life."
"I'm really proud of you," I admit, tilting my head to look up at her. "I know none of this has been easy, yet here you are, living your truth. You don't know how many times I wished for this. How many hours I've prayed for it. And now here you are."
"And I'm not going anywhere. I didn't fight for you when I had the chance and as a result, I lost you and missed out on the first three and a half years of our daughter's life. I know that none of this magically fixes everything between us. But I hope it can be a starting point to the life we were always meant to have."
"Me too," I quietly admit, resting my cheek on her chest.
I don't want to get my hopes up. I don't want to throw all caution to the wind and dive in head first, but I also can't deny how badly I want this. How badly I've always wanted it.
Nothing has made sense since I lost Lisa. Nothing has ever felt whole. There's always been something missing. A piece of me that still resided with her. And now that she's back, now that she's here lying next to me, saying all the things I've spent the last four years dreaming I would get to hear, suddenly everything feels right.
But that doesn't mean I'm not scared. Because I'm terrified. But I can't let fear hold me back any longer. Not if it stands in the way of this. Of me and Lisa. The way it was always meant to be.
We lay in silence for several long moments. I relish in the sound of her heartbeat drumming against my ear and the feel of her chest as it rises and falls with each breath she takes. I swear I could stay here forever, in this little bubble. I don't want to let the real world back in. I don't want to face the challenges that I know are to come. I want it to be like this… Always.
"Do you hear that?" Lisa lifts her head and looks down at me.
"Hear what?" I ask moments before I hear a faint knock.
"Is someone knocking on your door?"
"I can't imagine who it would be." I sit up before tossing my legs over the side of the bed and standing. Grabbing my robe off the back of the door, I peer my head into the hallway as I hear the knocking again, a little louder this time. I look back to where Lisa is now sitting up in bed, the sight of her messy haired doing some crazy things to my insides. "I'll be right back," I tell her as I exit the room.
When I reach the foyer, I can see someone standing on the front porch through the thick paned decorative glass that lines either side of the door, though I can't tell who it is.
Sliding the deadbolt, I crack the door open, more than a little taken aback when I see JK standing on the other side of it.
"JK?" I croak, not trying to hide my surprise. "What, what are you doing here?" I tighten my robe as I pull the door open the rest of the way.
"Shit, did I wake you?" He takes in my appearance. "I know you worked last night but you're usually up by now."
"No, it's okay." I shake my head, glancing behind me to make sure Lisa is still in my room. "Did you need something?"
"I, um," he grips the back of his neck, looking oddly uncomfortable, "I just wanted to see you. Do you think maybe I could come in for a few minutes? Just to talk."
"Now really isn't a good time."
"I won't take up much of your time. It's just… I've been thinking about you a lot lately and well, I miss you."
"JK, I…" the words die on my lips when his gaze shoots behind me, his forehead crinkling in confusion.
"I didn't realize you had company," he fumbles, taking a couple of steps backward.
I turn my head, catching sight of Lisa as she steps into the foyer. Her eyes go from me to JK and then back to me.
"Who's this?" Lisa asks, nodding toward JK.
As much as I don't want to do this right now, I am thankful that she had the forethought to put a shirt and pants on.
"Uh, JK," I say, gesturing to the man standing on my front porch looking like someone sucker punched him in the stomach. "JK, this is Lisa." I don't miss the way his eyes go wide or the flush that fills his cheeks.
"Lisa?" he questions, looking at me like I've suddenly grown another head. "As in Lisa, Lisa?"
Not exactly how I envisioned announcing to the world that we were kind of back together, but it's not like it's really in my control at this point.
"Yes." I nod. "Lisa, this is my friend, JK," I tell Lisa before my eyes go back to JK.
"Your friend?" He takes another step back like my words hit him with physical force. "Is that what I am now?" His eyebrows draw together, his focus locked on me.
"I'm gonna… I'm gonna give you two a minute," Lisa says seconds before I hear her bare feet pad against the hardwood floor.
"What the hell, Jennie?" JK hisses as soon as Lisa is out of earshot. "What the hell are you thinking? Lisa? Seriously?"
"I'm thinking that it's none of your business." I cross my arms in front of myself. "I'm pretty sure we broke up. Or did I imagine that happening?" I don't mean to be so curt, but his reaction has really struck a nerve with me.
"Eight months." He shakes his head. "We dated for eight months and this is how you're going to treat me."
"How am I treating you?"
"You pushed me away because I didn't support your ridiculous decision to let her stay here. And now look at you. How long did it take before she was in your bed? One day? Two? Looks like I really did have a reason to be concerned."
I step out onto the porch as I pull the door closed behind me.
"One." I hold up a finger. "We are not together so who I sleep with is none of your business. Two, you made it pretty clear where you stood and so did I. I thought we had agreed that us being together wasn't working."
"No, you agreed. I was just angry that you moved your ex, who happens to be a drug addict, into your garage. I thought I'd give you some time. Let things settle. A lot of good it did me, huh? You were probably sleeping with her before the smell of my cologne had faded from your sheets."
I balk at his comment.
"How dare you." I point my finger at him.
"How dare I? How dare you. I can't believe you'd do this. Let her back into your life like nothing happened."
"Again, how is any of this your business? It doesn't matter why we broke up. The fact is that we did. I didn't cheat on you. I didn't mislead you. If you thought there was a chance we might get back together, that's on you. I never gave you any reason to believe that would be the case."
"Did you ever really care about me?"
"What kind of question is that? Of course I did. I do."
"Yet how quickly you were able to discard me. And for her of all people." He gestures to the door behind me.
"I didn't leave you for her. Why are you insinuating that I did?"
"Because from where I'm standing, that's exactly how it looks. You pushed me away to clear a path for her. And girl she didn't waste any time swooping in to take my place, did she?"
"You don't know what you're talking about."
"Don't I? Because I'm pretty sure I see things a hell of a lot more clearly than you do right now." He balls his fists at his sides. "Why her, Jennie?"
"I don't expect you to understand."
"You're right. I don't understand. I don't understand how you could let yourself be fooled by her, yet again. And to drag Ellie into this. Are you forgetting that she nearly killed you?"
"I'm not forgetting anything. I know who she is."
"Then you shouldn't be surprised when she fucks you over just like she did before." His language sets me back a bit. I'm not used to him speaking to me this way. "Only this time you've put that sweet little girl in the crossfire."
"That sweet little girl is her daughter. And Lisa has a right to know her," I argue, not sure if I'm saying it for his benefit or for my own.
I only just came to the decision to allow Lisa the chance to be a part of Ellie's life, and I'd be lying if I said I wasn't uneasy about it. That I wasn't second guessing myself at every turn. But this is what feels right to me and for now, that's enough.
"Being a sperm donor doesn't make her a father. Where has she been for the last four years? Oh that's right, with a needle in her arm," he spats, his nostrils flaring.
"Go home, JK." I decide to end this before I say something I can't take back.
JK is a good guy. A great guy, actually. And I hate how quickly things have gone south between us. But what I'm dealing with right now has nothing to do with him. It never has.
"If that's what you want." He holds his hands up. "But don't even think about calling me when this all blows up in your face, because I will not be there to pick up the pieces."
"I wouldn't dream of it," I snarl, letting my emotion get the better of me.
"Good luck, Jennie." He backs down the steps. "You're going to need it." With that, he spins around and heads to his car that's parked on the side of the street.
I watch him climb inside and am still standing on the porch when he drives away moments later.
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"Everything okay?" Lisa is in the kitchen when I reenter the house, a bottle of water clutched in her hand.
"Define okay." I blow out a breath.
"So that was the boyfriend." She nods toward the door.
"Was being the operative word."
"Makes sense."
"What does?"
"You and him. I can see why you liked him."
"How? You had about thirty seconds of interaction with him, and let's be honest, it wasn't his finest hour."
"He's hurting. I get it." She shifts her weight from one foot to the other. "He thinks I'm going to hurt you again."
"He does."
"Do you think I'm going to?"
"No," I lie.
"Jennie." She gives me a knowing look.
"I mean, I hope you won't."
"I know I don't deserve it. To be in your life. To be in Ellie's life. But I swear to you." She sets her bottle of water on the kitchen island before making her way toward me. "I swear to you, I'm not going to fuck it up this time."
"I'm going to hold you to that, you know?" I smile when she tugs me to her chest and slides her arms around me.
"Good. I hope you do," she murmurs against my hair before pressing a kiss to the side of my head. "I'm going to get going." She steps back. "I want to hit up a meeting and the last one today is at five."
"Okay, I need to take a shower and go pick up Ellie anyway." It feels weird talking about her so casually in front of her.
"Do you think maybe I could meet her later?"
"Not today." I shake my head, knowing I'm not ready to take that step just yet. "Give it some time, okay?"
"Okay." She nods, being a hell of a lot more patient and understanding than I would be if I were in her shoes. Leaning forward, she traps my chin between her thumb and index finger, turning my face up. "If you get lonely later, you know where to find me." She winks, a smile gracing her lips.
"I wouldn't count on it. Pretty sure I'm going to sleep like the dead tonight. Thank God I don't have to work. I barely got any sleep today… Thanks to someone."
"Not gonna apologize. Best day I've had in a very long time."
"Me too." I hate to agree with her, but what else can I do? It's the truth.
"Tomorrow then?" She sweeps her lips across mine.
"Maybe." I smile, wrapping my arms around her neck as she moves to deepen the kiss.
"I can deal with maybe," she murmurs against my lips before pulling away. "I'll see you later."
"Okay."
I watch her head toward the back door, tugging it open seconds later. Turning, she pauses in the doorway. She doesn't say anything. She just stands there staring at me like she can't believe I'm actually here. Funny, I know exactly how she feels.
After what feels like minutes have passed, but is likely only seconds, she turns and exits the house.
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