JENNIE

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I'm not sure what I'm doing. I've talked myself in and out of this for the last hour and after I finally settled against it, I completely changed my mind.

I make my way toward the door of the garage apartment, a million butterflies flapping around wildly in my stomach.

I had always hoped the day would come when Ellie would get to meet her dad. And not the strung-out junkie she had become, but her real dad. And now that the moment is here, I feel twisted in knots, still unsure if I'm doing the right thing.

"Mama." Ellie tugs on my hand. "Da car is dis way."

"I know, baby." I smile down at her, tugging on the ends of one of her braided pigtails. "But I thought maybe a friend of mine could go to the park with us today. Would that be okay?"

"Aunt Jiji?" she asks hopeful.

"No, not Aunt Jiji. It's my friend, Lisa."

"Wisa," she repeats.

"No, baby. Lisa," I correct, pronouncing Lisa's name again.

"Wisa," she repeats like she said it right the first time and doesn't know what my problem is.

"Right." I laugh, shaking my head at her. "She's staying in the garage apartment for a while. I thought it might be nice for her to get outside and enjoy the nice day."

"Okay." She shrugs, leaning down to pluck a small white flower out of the grass before twirling the stem between her little fingers.

I watch her for a moment before crossing the remaining distance to the door. I hesitate, looking back at my daughter and then again to the door.

She may not realize the magnitude of this moment but I sure as hell do.

I take a deep breath in and blow it out slowly before lifting my fist and knocking.

The door swings open seconds later and Lisa appears, looking too good to be true in black athletic shorts and a white tee.

"Hey." She smiles. "What are you…" Her words die on her lips when Ellie comes skipping up next to me.

"Hi, Wisa." She holds out the flower she picked.

Her eyes instantly water over as she stares down at Ellie. It's like she can't believe what she's seeing. I've honestly felt that way since the moment Ellie was born. She's perfect, in every facet of the word.

"For me?" Lisa questions, her voice thick.

"Yep." Ellie rocks back on her heels, letting Lisa take the flower from her hand.

"Thank you. I love it."

"Mama, can we go now?" She once again tugs on my hand impatiently.

"One second, baby," I speak directly to her before turning my attention back to Lisa. "Ellie and I were going to play at the park down the street. We thought maybe you'd like to join us."

"Seriously?" She seems surprised but it doesn't mask her excitement either.

"Seriously."

"I would love to. Let me get some shoes on."

"Okay." I watch her from the open doorway. She stops at the kitchen counter, laying the flower Ellie gave her next to the sink before taking a seat on the bed to slip on her shoes.

"Ready." Her smile is so big I swear it's nearly splitting her face in half. I haven't seen her smile like that in years…

"Awesome. Hey, Ellie. You ready?" I call to my daughter who's wandered several feet into the backyard, talking to every bug and bee she sees.

"Yay! Park!" She comes running toward us. "Mama, can we do the up down?"

"Yes honey, we can do the up down." I laugh at the expression on Lisa's face. "Teeter totter." I smile. "You'll have to learn to speak Ellie," I tell her in a hushed voice.

"Noted." She chuckles.

Ellie skips a few feet ahead of us, her patience clearly waning. I don't mind though. She's in perfect view and honestly, it gives me and Lisa a chance to talk.

"Sorry to just spring this on you," I say. "Ellie really wanted to go to the park and I went back and forth with inviting you to join us."

"Well, for what it's worth, I'm really glad that you did," she says, her eyes glued on the little girl in front of us. "She's beautiful."

"She is, isn't she?"

"She looks so much like you."

"You think? I always thought she favored you. Well, other than the hair of course." I tug on the end of my ponytail.

"The eyes maybe. Other than that, she's all you."

"You say that now. Wait until you see her little attitude. She is her daddy reincarnated." I don't miss the way her expression shifts, like she's not sure if she should be happy about this fact or not.

"I didn't expect this." Her gaze slides to mine. "Thank you."

"You're welcome." I grab her hand, lacing my fingers with hers.

The remainder of the walk is quiet. Lisa watches Ellie and I spend most of the time watching her. She seems absolutely captivated by her daughter. And really, who could blame her? It's not every day you get to meet a daughter that up until a day ago you didn't even know existed.

I can tell Lisa's overwhelmed, but she also seems happy. Deliriously so. She smiles and laughs at quite literally every move Ellie makes.

When we reach the neighborhood park, I'm relieved to see that there aren't many people here. A mom and her son, and one other family. It makes it easier to keep an eye on Ellie when there aren't as many people. When it's busy I have to chase her around the whole time just to keep her in eye sight.

She heads to the small little castle area that has a rock wall going up, a few hidden corridors, and a slide going down. Ellie isn't quite big enough for the rock wall yet, but luckily there is a small set of steps next to it that she has no trouble with.

I let her go, laughing when she turns to wave as soon as she reaches the top.

"Do you think it would be okay if I…" Lisa points toward the castle.

"You want to go play with her?" I take a guess at what she was going to say.

"I mean, if that's okay."

"Of course."

She leans in and kisses me on the cheek before taking off after Ellie.

I spend the next hour watching the two of them together. Lisa's a natural with her. Patient. Kind. And she seems to speak in a language that Ellie understands. It's like there's this instant bond between the two of them.

It makes my heart so full, yet I can't ignore the worry that comes along with it.

Every time Ellie laughs, I wonder how many times Lisa'll make her cry. Every time Lisa picks her up and her loud squeals fill the air, I wonder how many other times she'll let her down. It's a back and forth, push and pull I know we are bound to struggle with.

Maybe keeping Lisa from Ellie would have been the safe choice but I still believe it wasn't the right one. Seeing the two of them together. Witnessing their matching smiles up close… It's something I couldn't have imagined in my wildest dreams.

In this moment, she's my old Lisa. The girl I adored. The girl I fell in love with. I say a silent prayer that things will stay like this forever. Because I want them too.

But I also recognize the tight rope we're teetering on. One false move and instead of standing upright, we'll all be tumbling to the ground below. I've seen how quickly it can happen first hand.

My mind wanders back to the night of the accident. I think deep down I knew that Lisa was still using, but in my heart I wanted to believe that she was changing so badly that I made myself believe the lie. I can't ever make that mistake again.

I have to see Lisa for who she is. No matter how badly I want to believe the good, I can't ignore the warning signs this time around. I can't turn a blind eye and hope that things will get better.

The decision to do so the first time nearly cost me my life. I can't put Ellie in that kind of danger.

I'm terrified. Petrified, really. Because no matter how sweet it all tastes right now, with Lisa Manoban you never truly know if what you're drinking is poison or wine until it's already too late.

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