Starmegalo here! I know I haven't updated for a long time. And I probably should've made an announcement or something. But shortly, I got a BIG commission and I was writing this fic because of that. I think I'll update this story every 8 days.
BUT! If you join my discord you get to read 1 day before the releases on sites like AO3, FFN and Wattpad. And since my economic situation is worse than ever, I'll think I will make it so that if you chose to support me I'll give links to the chapters ahead? I didn't think that through yet.
This will be a long ride, I hope many people will enjoy it! As for my other stories…Not sure about Unsatisfied Star. Re-Shut-in will definitely continue. And If I ever write Star IF again, it will be rewritten. It's crazy that fic got 800+ kudos before the botting. My grammar was garbage back then (perhaps still is!).
The story starts from Arc 5 Chapter 4. With the concept being 1 year time skip not passing quite peacefully for Subaru…there are very good reasons for that.]
And let me talk about some other stuff about the story so that you won't get disappointed. My thoughts on Emilia as a romantic interest is that she HAS TO get consequences of her thoughtless actions before even getting an actual chance for that. But still, I do acknowledge that her lucky circumstances made Subaru choose her as a bind to the new world which is still intact. But in my writing no one gets magical plot force so…yeah. Do not expect anything illogical.
Priscilla and Anastasia, I think they are really important in arc 5. I'll leave with that. They have solo interactions with Subaru btw, regularly…unlike canon who just doesn't let Subaru talk with any female like a normal male. But the ship is undecided in this fic(like many of my fics) because this fic's point wasn't exploring a certain relationship.
And this is a Chadbaru fic as all of my fics. That doesn't mean he isn't a madman(he is) or that he just never does anything wrong(Oh boy), it's just that he is allowed to think and his powers are his. He won't be bestowed shit by Satella. I only acknowledge the times in which Satella had no control over RbD before the insane amount of retcon in arc 7. So also know that.
/YxtzwbzVQh A very cool place, everyone is invited! (You can come regardless of what kind of simp or weirdo you are!)
Now, let's begin.
'Thoughts'
Characters speaking English
"Of cooourse, I shall respect Emilia-sama's decision. It is also true that there is simply nooooooothing~ for youuuu~ to do here. But it is unfooooortunate that we do not know their intention." The man with a lively voice spoke. He is looking at the candidate he sponsored, Emilia. Most of Emilia camp was present in the room. Along with the man he would casually call "Subaru-kun".
His interactions with Subaru was nothing but a joke. It wasn't what he would prefer. But it was what Subaru himself decided. He cannot see him through. Subaru did not push him to reveal things. Neither he did towards the person he cared about most who had a past that she just remembered nor the spirit he had contracted to who would call a Witch "Mother". The year he spent together with Natsuki Subaru crushed his assumptions, which made him question why despite losing, Roswaal himself has a convenient position in this camp. A mystery.
Natsuki Subaru was the greater mystery that gave birth to the mystery that was mentioned before. But he was the only one who thought of him as a mystery, to everyone else he was open, and he was average in many things. No…below average. He had extraordinary courage and luck. The answer changed from person to person when it comes to how he did all that. They all filled in different answers for that one-question exam when Roswaal asked them alone when he had the chance.
Emilia would say "He is reeaaaaaaly amazing." She could very well leave the paper empty. Garfiel and Petra were the same. Just with more thinking behind.
"He is a man with good timing, nothing else" that's what he heard from Ram. It was incredible when you think about the almighty Authority of his. But lacking badly nonetheless. If Subaru was her enemy, she would have no chance. Having or not having the horn wouldn't matter.
To Otto, Subaru was reckless but had the power to unite people. A troublesome person. He wasn't wrong. But 'troublesome' didn't come close to explaining Natsuki Subaru.
Clind did not think of him as anyone special. Just that he wouldn't give up, but adding that isn't that useful when someone is this weak. Clind also trained Subaru as not like a knight but as someone that is weak and needed to survive on his own to not pull others down. That was a good assessment from the outside. 'Knight' was nothing but a title. Natsuki Subaru could not hope to match, or even come close to anyone who could threaten Emilia's life despite her vast magical power.
Some people were just born better, that was a gap ordinary people could not hope to close.
Not even Natsuki Subaru did that. Unlike others, Roswaal knew that he could repeat things with limits and conditions unknown to him. All things considered, even though he was Roswaal's greatest trump card. Once his trick is learned and limits are discovered by the enemy or anyone, it is game over.
Of course, that did not change the fact that it was the most terrifying Authority Roswaal would ever know.
But it wasn't something that went unnoticed by the World's eyes. If that were the case then he would not be able to trap Natsuki Subaru in Sanctuary.
Despite Natsuki Subaru's victory, he did trap him for a long time. He wasn't all mighty. He could be trapped…and if he were to die. That was the end of everything. The anomaly in that situation was Otto, who wasn't present in the book. Otto Suwen, a name that he wouldn't forget. He was dangerous. Perhaps even more than Subaru.
All in all, Roswaal believed no one but himself passed that exam.
Even so…
'I do not know why he just enjoyed his time without asking anything. Anything at all. I am sure even Beatrice finds it weird.' After all, from Subaru's perspective Beatrice had many secrets, just like Roswaal. But he didn't ask anything to either him or Beatrice.
Beatrice. Even though it's questionable if it's enough or not, she understood that Natsuki Subaru was in pain. So she did that considerably better than others.
Beatrice also had enough knowledge to assume he held an Authority but Roswaal didn't know if she came to that conclusion or simply ignored that for her own sake.
Beatrice definitely knew he was a Sage Candidate though.
But still…
'I don't think her answer would be different from Petra or Emilia in nature. That's where you fail as a partner, Betty. You just don't know him and stopped trying to learn about him at all.'
All in all. Roswaal was sure that Beatrice was not trying to learn about him to not get herself hurt.
And if Roswaal was to answer about Subaru:
He was doing better, he had a good brain. He understood his friends very well. Could manage people better than he could. If you asked Roswaal, Subaru managed Emilia better than Puck. Without any effort, natural as breathing, he could change the conversations as he wished and even make her question whatever he wanted. And he did that without having a leash and utmost trust with Emilia like Puck. It was unbelievable.
But all in all, it didn't matter. His training, his relations. It was all nothing but a joke. He was definitely weak.
He would always be the guy that would only shine in a disaster. The one who would lose over and over again.
No amount of progress ordinary Subaru makes will make him anything but Repeater. A Sage or Sage Candidate could not gain any other authority, that was simply impossible for anyone. At most, he would carry the factors and stop any Archbishop from appearing for a long while. But even so, Natsuki Subaru was the farthest thing away from the strongest Sage who could use Witch Factors to amplify his own strength in many ways. He probably didn't even know a thing about his predicament.
Not to mention, not all Sages or candidates had the same limit. Some could carry more than a few, and some could only get one additional factor before reaching their limits. Other than The Sage, every other Sage or Sage candidate was nothing but a holder for the Witch Factors. There were even some of them without a single authority, according to his teacher.
'I wonder what he thinks about himself' Was it delusions? Was it self-awareness? Either way. His actions in this 1 year showed that he was someone who could not get out of their comfort and cannot act unless fate hits him. He would never be offensive against fate.'
No matter. Regardless of his weaknesses. As long as people around him wouldn't let him die. Natsuki Subaru would carry them towards a grand victory with many losses that would go unseen.
'Emilia-sama is making reaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaly long apologies for not being able to come to meeting of Western Lords' That was the sole reason he could just ignore her and think by himself. Not to mention, Anastasia's camp did not give them any time limit, so she could just say she wanted to join the meeting before she leaves for Priestella. But Emilia probably didn't think about that. She is…quite stupid. But Roswaal wouldn't tell her that, not yet at least.
That's right. The visitors from Anastasia camp.
It hasn't been long since their visitors left. That being the brother of Spirit Knight, who carried a good mind that was limited by obsessiveness to his brother and Mimi, the cat that gained some sort of infatuation with Garfiel.
It was all amusing and all, however, it was problematic when you looked at how Emilia got dominated by Joshua while they made their deal.
"Emiliaaaaaa-sama, your apologies are unnecessary," Roswaal said honestly while showing his usual dishonest looking smile.
"I reaaaaaaly wanted to attend the meeting, but..." As she was getting into another long unending word of nothing but an apology, Roswaal cut her off by raising his hand. It was too much for him already.
"Even though I understand your hesitaaaaancy~ and how you feel problematic. it wasn't a meeting you could attend anywaaaaay~. So please relax." Roswaal pointed out the fact while opening his palm towards Emilia.
"Eh!? How so? But I..." Roswaal didn't know how that sentence would continue if he didn't cut her off with his risen hand. But he was sure it was something along the lines of "I studied a lot!" and "I changed quite a bit!" thoughts that are put into her head by everyone but things that he never saw in practice. But he wouldn't count those 'studies' as anything anyway since Emilia just couldn't take enough from the materials she studied and lost focus all the time.
Ironically enough, the person who impressed him with his studies was Subaru, the one that didn't have to study. It was incredible, he took a... peak at his things, and even while he read, he took notes and put sticky papers he made into pages. Not only that he also took over Emilia's magical training even though he knew so less...but it somewhat worked! That's why it was incredible. Being capable of teaching something you don't even know yourself.
'For some reason my thoughts just twist and turn but always end up with Subaruuuuu-kun, if I am like this as a man, I am lucky that I am not a woman this time around'
"It's a meeting for you to meet them in the future. I will do the groundwoooork~ so you can have more chance to gain them at your side when you meet them, Emilia-sama."
Spoken with honesty and utmost clearance, so that she could understand. But Emilia was still uncertain. That would not do. If it's about choosing the path they would tread, as long as Subaru doesn't reject it, Emilia has the utmost power. In case Subaru chose some other path than Emilia, Roswaal would convince, force, and manipulate everyone to choose that path obediently. After all, the responsibility Subaru takes by carrying them all to the future comes with immense authority. Even if he didn't use it to order them around, he had that authority.
Natsuki Subaru had the power to control everyone in this camp in every way and with his Authority and skill in acting, they wouldn't even know. Something he never abused, but regardless... Roswaal would only walk on a path that is accepted by Natsuki Subaru. Losing everyone's trust, losing Emilia, losing his political power, losing his magic, or even Ram. All mattered so little, compared to Natsuki Subaru feeling like not threading this path anymore. It was possible, even though extremely far-fetched with his submissiveness towards Emilia.
But now, the reason for trying to stop Emilia wasn't that Subaru wasn't okay with this...it was because she would embarrass herself worse than Subaru in royal selection. Subaru's skill with speaking and expressing himself got him some support from people there even though he was 'lashing out uncontrollably', even before his great achievements. It dumbfounded Roswaal. His heart skipped a beat from shock when Miklotov of all people got interested in Subaru and defended him, that was the most surprising thing that happened on that date.
No, to begin with, even to this day, he doesn't understand how he managed to come with Priscilla Barielle. What the hell?
"Oooooooor...perhaps you can make the Lords shut down with your great presence and destroy their views by putting your great oration skills to use. That would be,of cooooourse~ more than enough of a reason to delay your visit to Priestella, Emilia-sama"
"Ah...I understand. I'll behave" The submission that came from her every time the Great Spirit would assert his parent side appeared once again. To Roswaal, this was one of the few changes Emilia had. At least the ones that he cared to remember.
First, she got even more stubborn even though she would submit at the end. This wasn't a bad thing, since if a simple logical argument is enough to make her stand down without questioning that would simply not do. However, in the end, it was nothing but stubbornness. She eagerly wanted to do something, and that was why she was so proactive. But her actions dictated by emotion, not logic.
'After Sanctuary, when things calmed down, she probably realized all she did was lean on him once again. Truly nothing changed in that regard, no matter how Subaru made everyone feel like she changed.' It was horrifying. Even Ram started to respect Emilia because of Subaru's trick. They all accepted her naive self while thinking she will do what is necessary for the worst possible situation. But that was Subaru's doing, not Emilia.
If it was intentional on Subaru's part, that would be a horrifying intelligence feat. However, he simply wasn't that smart.
The second change in her would be that she was eager to listen to Subaru unlike before. That was a given after him saving villagers when she did nothing, but what she did then was left him alone at his worst. She got another chance every time she failed to trust in Subaru while Subaru always came out on top, alone.
Breaking promises, deception, hiding things, mystery, acting foolish, being weak, being pathetic. All of these things will be null and void if you just do not lose, ever. People were quick to rethink their opinion of Subaru unlike Emilia, who only did that after being saved by him after Sloth's defeat.
Emilia became a person that would listen to Subaru's orders and suggestions without ever doubting him. For that one thing—
'For that one thing, I do acknowledge you. Do not hinder Subaru-kun. I do not know how much he can take after all. It would be all better if he had a perfect view of Emilia and worshiped her. But...he showed me that's not the case. So her rights to make the same mistake aren't infinite like I would prefer.' Roswaal silently wished that from her.
In Sanctuary he was defeated. When he was defeated he also saw the difference. For Natsuki Subaru, there was no view of Emilia he used to make her look perfect in his eyes.
But Roswaal still did not believe that he accepted her for who he is. Sometimes Subaru was outright creepy with how much he knew about Emilia's weaknesses. And he used those to evade everything he wanted perfectly.
Someone like this, can someone like this truly not look down on those weaknesses even a bit? Don't think how weak she is…even for a moment?
'Right now. I am looking at him. I just ridiculed her, justifiably of course. Yet he doesn't react whatsoever. Unlike his past self.' Roswaal didn't know what to make of this. Sometimes Subaru would glare in situations like this, and sometimes he would get pissed. Sometimes he was silent. Unaffected. Couldn't care less.
Was the boy that did not let that girl insulted no matter what... was he even real?
Inconsistency was confusing Roswaal. Subaru had no pattern.
"Then, we can just take Garfiel and Otto. Otto can stop us from messing up, Garfiel can just turn people into dust." Subaru spoke as he realized Roswaal will have to convince everyone of every single decision he makes and would need to explain the reasons for every single one of those decisions to Emilia.
Roswaal realized his intentions too, and he felt some appreciation. Things took a long time when Roswaal tried to make them do something.
"Please don't say it like that...even if it's true, don't say it like that," Otto said with a tired voice. Roswaal could understand that trying to organize these people was hard. And they weren't like Subaru, who has infinite stamina for satisfying everyone and interacting with them.
"Otto, don't ya get grumpy. Ya can watch my great self as myself turn people into dust." Garfiel said with great enthusiasm. He was definitely delighted with what Subaru said, and didn't forget to give a 'thumbs up' as Subaru calls the gesture.
"No! You can't just...turn people into dust. Subaru! Mind what you are saying! You are being a bad influence on Garfiel!" Of course, Emilia couldn't ignore those words nor stay unreactive to Subaru's return of gesture.
"Emilia-tan, if you don't want people to turn into dust. You can just use your cuteness and stop things from coming to that. And if you can't..." He said jokingly while adding the last part with a serious voice. However, other than the flowery way he said it, Roswaal wouldn't disagree. If Emilia was going to be a pacifist then she has to stop things before someone dies. Or, there was no reason to just spare anyone when they tried to kill them.
"Cuteness has nothing to do with this!...But you are right. You...are right." Emilia said with a sad expression. The prospect of that happening broke her heart. Perhaps she could stop that from happening one or two times...but then? She will probably fail. Over and over again. And she cannot fault Garfiel or Subaru...for making corpses.
"Can't believe you actually said it, in fact!" Beatrice was surprised at Subaru not going easy on Emilia. Actually, all of them did, on different levels. Subaru just rejected Emilia's idealistic notions about saving someone regardless of how they go with their actions. Subaru himself had similar beliefs with considerable differences. First, Subaru did that while fully comprehending the intent behind those actions but saved the person anyway, which was incomprehensible. Second, what Subaru did was a decision. Saving someone when you have all the reasons to discard them. That was something known by pretty much everyone. But what Emilia did wasn't exactly a 'choice' since she evaded her eyes from the ugliness possessed by people.
Third, Subaru could make an 'ideal' reality. Unlike anyone else. Capable of imposing his selfishly impossible goal of saving people who were hostile to him. Garfiel himself did not forget about that.
And if one asked Garfiel, his truest answer would be obvious.
It's not the same thing
Emilia could spare someone but that's because she cannot comprehend the evil and hostility behind it. Not to mention sparing people regardless of what seems to be her nature. Being spared by someone who would spare anyone, who wouldn't judge you and would be kind all the time, and wouldn't comprehend the wrongness of what they did. The mercy and kindness she showed couldn't be compared to Subaru's even though he wasn't naturally kind like Emilia or 'sweet'. Subaru knew everything, all the wrong that was done to him, Subaru's nature didn't allow sparing people without a second thought, unlike Emilia. Surely Natsuki Subaru agonized over that decision. Spare? Kill? Discard? Use? That's why the weight of mercy given by Subaru and Emilia would always be different in Garfiel's eyes.
'Cap'n is different. It's because he is different, it's because he knows things myself did. I... feel like I can move on and repent instead of feeling frustrated forever. Princess forgiving you and Cap'n doing ain't even close. If myself do not kill Roswaal here and now, it's not because of Emilia or Ram. It's because Cap'n' That was what Garfiel thought when he felt he could move on. Those beliefs didn't waver, they were stronger than ever.
Regardless of the reason, Natsuki Subaru spared him and gave him a way to allow Roswaal to live, and while doing those actions he was conscious of everything both of them did, he could see it in his eyes. That was the sole reason why Roswaal was alive.
Everyone started to dive deep into their mind as Subaru acted… differently. This was what happened when the whole web of connections in Emilia camp depended on one single person, it was a sad reality. Even though some of that wouldn't acknowledge that and Emilia was obvious.
However...
Subaru puts a smile on his face, a charming smile and a protective look that would make any woman feel safe in an apocalypse. "And if you can't, if nothing you do works. If your power, magic, and strength aren't enough and your gifted instincts and your wits coming out of your cute mind are futile. Then if you so desire and ask for me, your one and only knight might just help you." He doesn't stop eye contact with her, his deep pitch black eyes make Emilia feel very weird but she cannot escape those eyes.
Emilia got hit by Subaru's 'charisma', something he allowed to flourish in this one year. Might come in handy after all…
Emilia feels helpless but that helplessness against his eyes felt good. It was so weird. If this goes on, she isn't sure if she can endure it anymore. Something might just awaken inside of her.
However, even though a great part of her wanted that something. As if on purpose, Subaru changed his expression from mysterious dominance to a smug and playful look. He also adds a wink.
Subaru knew something might've developed if he acted like that. But if he will just artificially cause it…What was the point?
That wink too, makes Emilia's heart skip a beat. But what was that warm feeling in her heart? What would happen if he kept going? It was a totally unknown territory for Emilia. But part of her felt like some kind of mysterious delight was stolen from her.
'I don't know what happened but I was fine with it but then I really hated that it was gone.' As Emilia felt frustrated. She did what she always does in these situations. Forgetting.
"Auuuuuuuuu~ Why are you teasing me Subaru! You are such a bad boy. You shouldn't do things like this." In an instant after Emilia expressed her frustration. Her hand reached for Subaru's ear and pulled to pay back for...teasing her.
"I do not know what you are talking about? I just showed my knightly support to my helpless master."
"I wasn't helpless...I was just a little...teeny, tiny, lost. But now I regained my confidence. I'll be helping everyone. Saving everyone! Not leaving a single person behind!"
"..." Subaru says nothing. He makes no comment. His intentions did not bore any result. Nothing changed.
As Subaru looked at everyone's faces in that room.
Roswaal, Frederica, Garfiel, Emilia, Otto. Yes, they returned to normal.
He could read them. All of those faces said one thing 'Oh, of course. What was I thinking?' after he spoke to Emilia.
Subaru thought at that moment... What happened here captures my relationships with perfect conclusiveness. No matter what I do, no matter what I say. No matter how many signs exist that something is wrong with me or that I am not as shallow as they prefer to believe. The moment I do something consistent with how I act normally. They chose to believe that, regardless of how many inconsistencies are piled up just a moment before. Roswaal, you think you are so smart but you are no different. If you were, we could've been so close and I could've at least had someone to talk to. But even if you prefer to believe what is comfortable to you at this point then what should I do? You are so useless. I do not know who I can talk to, even Echidna disappointed me...I-
As Subaru was deep in thought, his gaze moved from ally to ally. He looked at their faces. Searching for something but couldn't find it.
And then-
"Enough already! You, stop. And Subaru, why are you letting her do that?" Someone shouted it was Petra. Why did Petra shout like that? It wasn't joking, it was as if she was angry, but others did not realize that she was serious it seems. Why would she be angry? Well, Subaru didn't know. But she was looking at Emilia. What happened while he was thinking deeply? How can Emilia make anyone angry?
'That's not the correct question. It's more like 'How can you get angry with Emilia?' isn't it? After all, you can find quite a lot of behavior to get angry, it could be very well something simple as her not understanding what you say. But since it's Emilia doing it's overlooked. I am confused why others never get angry at her? I do know my reason though...I just—'
"Petra! I'll be done when Subaru stops ignoring me and promises that he will be a good boy. He was a bad boy when we were with Joshua too, so I can't let this slide. Be a good girl and wait a little bit, okay?" Emilia continued to keep her hand on his ear.
"No...Princess, if you say that she won't be pleased-" Garfiel has a very disturbed face... that reminds me of that one loop where he started crying after I snapped at him.
"Shut your mouth I had enough of your cute-useless words!"
Unlike before, Subaru was sure this time they would not doubt her seriousness. But she talked like that to Emilia, that wouldn't be something Natsuki Subaru would allow, so he could not allow it. He has to-
"Subaru why don't you react?"
That's right. Why can't I just speak...Ah- That's not how Natsuki Subaru reacts. I...
I just can't talk back to Petra. That was the situation and it was a reason he was ignoring. Why? What was the reason? Why does he keep hiding shit from himself? This whole stupid game of 'forgetting things'...for what?
Echidna or Satella. It's all the same, acting as if he can't just remember or has no idea how things work-
"Well...Perhaps, just maybe, Petra has a reason to say what she said? I just can't let Emilia-tan be hit by any harsh words but-"
"No...That's not it, Subaru I-" Emilia tried to speak, as if she too, realized the wrong she had done. However, Subaru was clueless as to what that is.
"No. It won't be you asking the questions this time, after all, you leave Subaru when you can't get the answers because of yourself. And don't forget this is your fault." After Petra spoke with roasting vigor, Emilia's ice melted and she could not make any sort of comeback to Petra. Furthermore, her words seemed like making Emilia recall some sort of nightmare that she had forgotten, no, ignored.
Her fault, is that so? Well. She does give me all the excuses in the world to put up this delusion but I don't think it was her. And it's not like I can be compelled to do anything without my own free resolve. It's just fucking impossible because of what I desire. This wasn't something I would ever admit before.
"So, why did you say those things, Petra?" Subaru says calmly but you could feel the firmness in his words. Emilia was like some sort of a red line for Subaru, your reasonings did not matter, and what she did was irrelevant. You just couldn't say anything bad to her.
This understanding of himself he created for others to believe made him similar to a certain cat—rat and it sickened Subaru deep down. Even though that's how Natsuki Subaru should be.
"Subaru, why don't you stand up for yourself? You can't just stay like that just because it's Emilia. Even if it's Emilia, it's unhealthy to not react."
"No! I...didn't want-" "Princess, please. Petra, myself don't think ya understand the-" Whatever he was going to say was obliterated by Petra's glare. Same with Emilia, Petra shut her down with her eyes.
'Roswaal is also nervous. Well, when things are out of order or aren't going as planned he is like this. Damn, please stop making that face, it's so not like you.' Roswaal's eyes skipped from person to person and he wasn't saying anything. Subaru somewhat understands that this man was paranoid about something happening and Subaru leaving this place. But Roswaal overrated him. Natsuki Subaru isn't that courageous. And while he cannot be controlled, that doesn't mean he isn't a slave to himself.
'I gotta stop thinking about anything but this situation now. Throughout the year I got good at spending as little brain power as possible on interactions since always some other thing pops out in my mind. It's an instinct at this point. But this one won't be easy. I can see tears are about to come out of Petra's eyes and she is gripping her outfit really tight. Damaging it. I will have to sew that later.'
""Why don't I stand up for myself?" I do that actually. But ever since I've been told that I am wrong about pretty much everything all the time without any question or doubt. I decided that I would be getting fired up a bit slower from now on. Might even diminish my blunders, don't you think?"
Drip
"It is not time to joke," Petra states coldly, so much so that it was pretty much assured that no one ever saw her like this before.
To Petra, it was about a situation with the person she loved.
To Subaru, well. Even as that scary gaze with immense focus. Subaru, who was out of character does not turn into a scaredy cat like he normally would. It was more of a performance issue. Normally he would react. But since he needed to consciously decide how to react and he wasn't in his good day to do that. He just couldn't act accordingly.
To begin with, it took a bit of time for Subaru to learn that he needed to react to certain things.
He got this feeling of tingle, that was killing intent, something was totally irrelevant to Subaru other than it being a good telling about other people's moves. But he did learn that he should just cower in fear when anyone shows any killing intent. After all, pretty much anyone was stronger than him. And he learned the presence of the strong makes the weak scared. Awfully similar to animals. It's not like he couldn't feel those things for any reason, it just didn't make him scared. That would be insanely stupid, foolish, downright impossible. Natsuki Subaru knew what death was. So it was a joke when they tried to intimidate him instinctively.
So far he is doing well in acting normally. However, there are times when it probably looked ridiculous. Like he said to Echidna "There is no way I am not going to worry when you tell me you are Witch of Greed the moment we met." and then gulp down her bodily fluids like it's nothing without even considering they are poison.
'If it was anyone else, they would figure out the red flags. I was lucky that Echidna was a failure at communicating and observing. She just liked that I got scared of a Witch. Too much pride in an empty title, my butterfly.'
"I am not joking. With all frankness, I don't really understand what you are trying to tell me." Subaru says honestly while thinking a lot of different things. Honestly, he really couldn't focus on whatever problem they were having.
"You really don't understand? Staying like that as you get hurt? Could it be that it's fine because it's Emilia?" Petra said with sarcasm filled with venom. But Subaru could feel...that she was angry at him, for him.
That felt good for some reason. No, to begin with, wasn't this what he wanted?
Perhaps it was, but he couldn't believe it just yet, after all, he got disappointed so many times in this one year. Furthermore, he didn't exactly understand what she was talking about.
Subaru also noted that Emilia was biting her own lip while carrying an expression of fright and sadness. Lot of guilt too. At this point, Subaru could understand perfectly what she was saying to herself, and he could structure the perfect sentence to lift her up, and right now her face was clearly said: 'I am horrible, I am useless.'
Drip
That, and various other unnatural expressions from everyone... Subaru realized that it was something he cannot understand. This was a rare occurrence.
Drip
But even in this out-of-comfort zone situation, Subaru kept his calm. After all, he got used to the most uncomfortable thing for a living being. Not pain or suffering, but the feeling of death itself. This was nothing. Anything life could give was nothing. Life's beginning and duration had meaning because of death, the end itself. And Subaru was unnatural.
He hated himself for it. Things that intertwined with death were beautiful to him, more like he realized when he was young that things that related to death were beautiful. That's what he thought when he learned about butterflies and confirmed as he saw the flowers that bloomed only for a day. But Subaru wasn't beautiful whatsoever unlike those things.
"So you will just get hurt by Emilia in silence like a pathetic man? Despite how you acted. You were the last person I would expect such a thing... Are your desires distorted to that degree? Are you willing to die for her too?"
Emilia makes a hurtful, involuntary sound. Subaru sees Roswaal smile as he realizes his answer. Of course he would.
"..." Yes. With the current path, I am taking. I definitely would. You are no exception, Petra. Even I realize this is extremely pathetic. At this point I am not even trying to turn my life into a token, to be honest, I never needed that. If I realized that I never needed that sooner. I could take that girl's hand and we could've struggled together right now. I should've realized that, regardless of what I decided, she would accept my choice.
That was her Greed, she desired everything that I am. But in the end, we weren't greedy enough. Both me and her.
She shouldn't have allowed situations that would lead me to reject her.
I should've taken that hand by force. No promises, no games, no deals, no goals. Having her, and then deciding is what I would do if I wasn't so stupid.
"Emilia cannot hurt me. She did that once she was angry but you can't use the same thing twice against me. It won't work unless I am depressed or something. Really, I am quite fearsome aren't I?" To that, both Roswaal and Garfiel facepalmed. Otto, despite the whole seriousness, his expression was screaming that he found those words cringeworthy. Otto's opinion on Subaru's ability to 'achieve' differed from Garfiel and Roswaal after all.
And ridiculous as it was, this was the first time Subaru thought of himself from an outside viewpoint.
"You...You...I don't understand. And you are joking?" Petra's face filled with confusion and tears started to drop. It's been a long time since Subaru's heart actually cracked in the truest sense. Seeing that face alone made him regret so many things. Even while Petra was talking to him and trying to save him in some way, Subaru's mind wasn't focused on that. This habit of him having a second thought process while talking and interacting with others or simply when he did chores... developed in this one year of peace.
He lost the ability to care for many 'daily life' activities. Even though this was what he fought for. He fought for this right? But now things are different. And he couldn't exactly say why.
But he couldn't feel himself to say it was his fault. No matter how much he wanted he couldn't.
Now he couldn't find any words to save Petra.
...
"Wait, wait, wait a min... my amazing self reached an understanding from the start but you guys just ignored it."
"..." No one said anything nor knew what he was talking about. Except...
"Ooooooooooh~ Oh~ To think I coooouldn't~ understand something like this but Garfiel-"
"Shut up clown!"
"..." Garfiel silences him perfectly; however, the grin on his face doesn't waver, but Subaru sees a trace of disturbance. Disturbed by…him?
"Cap'n is just too badass...myself guess, so he ain't getting it nor being bothered by it. Cap'n Princess has gotten too damn far with her childishness. She messed your ear a bit…nah, it's quite horrible actually. But nothing my amazing self can't fix, though myself dunno why Beatrice is stunned."
'Beatrice...? No. Even though she is far more important, I can't just ignore an injury even more. That would make things even worse.' As I said that in my mind... I finally realized.
Drip.
Drip.
Oh. My ear is bleeding.
Subaru casually brings his hand and touches his ear with the tip of his finger.
It stings. Good.
'Pain is a great friend at this point. Still feeling it is a sign of normality, I suppose.' Subaru thinks with nothing but honesty. The times that he feared pain was long gone. His new fear was much more terrifying. Unfeeling cold, absolute indifference, he calls it: Despair. When the world loses its color more than ever…despair would start.
"Ah, being loved by mana is truly broken. You can just do this without realizing." Subaru says as he points out Emilia's strength.
"Subaru doesn't need to make excuses I am-" What the hell?
"I don't make excuses. You did it, and I feel pain. Totally your fault with no wrong from me. Like hell I would be mistaken regarding suffering!" Subaru changed his demeanor instantly
Ah. I didn't mean to say that. Shit, Emilia said something that I wasn't prepared for.
'Still, I said something hypocritical right there. I do that all the time aren't I...the times that I was killed by people that suppose to be my allies...chains...being left behind...Betrayal ...Rejection...Satella...Satella......Wind..."
"Cap'n?"
"Oh. Oh yeah, sorry, blanked out for a second. Frederica?"
"Yes? Subaru-sama?" Startled as she is by Subaru's sudden call, Frederica showed her professionalism as the only actual maid in this mansion. That was what Subaru thought and he appreciated her.
Ram is also surprised by Subaru calling out to Frederica while still her eyes land on Roswaal from time to time.
"Teach Emilia about control, make sure she listens carefully."
"E-excuse me? If you say so, of course, I will do it. However, can I ask why...me?"
"You have shown great control both in your abilities and the way you act. That's why."
"..." Frederica is caught unguarded. Just nodded at Subaru. Then she realized...
'Wait! Why did I just accept instead of waiting for confirmation from my master?' She looked at Roswaal, the highest authority in the western lands, even though he did unacceptable things and was surpassed in status by Emilia. That fact did not change.
However, even though their gazes met, Roswaal neither approves or disapproves of Frederica's actions. He does nothing.
'Am I unaware of something?' She was never ordered to specifically listen to Subaru-sama so...
"Emilia."
"Y-yes? Please I don't need-"
"Carefully listen to Frederica. Even if it means that you need to act differently from how you are taught."
"..."
"Puck wouldn't mind you doing this, just saying that."
"That's...if there is anything he didn't teach me, it's just that he forgot, that must be it. But I'll work hard!"
"..." Subaru's gaze does not leave her.
"You can be relaxed, reaaaaaaaaaaaaaly relaxed, Subaru."
"..." Subaru's eyes did not escape from hers nor looked convinced.
"So, please. Let me-"
"No."
"Why? It's looking so bad, It must be reaaaaaaly painful. So please let me heal it."
"I feel no disturbance. I am fine. No. I'll get it fixed later, maybe." He really shouldn't be doing this…telling things like this.
"How...can you say that?" Disturbed. Shows unbelief. Subaru understands the ear is a sensitive thing after all. It should be hurting a lot. He remembers... when a bad teacher did that regularly. Little Subaru couldn't take it and cried. Piece of trash crybaby, I am so fucking jealous, I didn't even truly cry ever since I came to this world. It's all emptiness.
"I can say that because it is the truth?"
"No. If there is an injury, it hurts."
"If there is a tongue, then you taste, but Roswaal can't do that right? Not everything is how it seems."
"Huh?" Emilia was confused and looked at Roswaal questioningly...like everyone except Subaru. Who just looked into the empty floor.
"Wait a minute, how can you know that?" Roswaal says while showing signs of anger in his confusion, and a hidden fear. However, Subaru is unaffected by none of that. It doesn't matter how angry a clown can get, there is simply nothing he can do.
"Were you hiding that? I thought at least everyone except Emilia knew it...Maaan, Rem would be pissed. No, Rem probably knew that. That's right." Rem didn't react to compliments from Roswaal's cooking like how it should've been...now he thinks about it.
Of course, everyone makes weird expressions while Ram is disturbed most. No one remembered the blue-haired maid and Subaru would normally react to this. But he stopped giving a fuck long ago. The world can forget Rem, her sister can forget Rem, Reinhard can forget Rem, and even Aldebaran can forget Rem. He tried every single candidate that gave a possibility of remembering her, reached them, messaged them, and found them when they were alone. He even tracked down cultists with confirmed connections to her but there was nothing. It all ended up with him killing the culprits with gaining absolutely nothing.
Everyone was making awkward expressions.
But he would not do that and he would not care what they think. Even Emilia was irrelevant, it was his Rem. Ram who sacrificed her own sister by making a deal with Roswaal also could fuck herself, when Rem wakes up Subaru will confront her about that too. Even if she is Rem…that was something Subaru would do no matter what.
But it was all good. Perfect.
Rem was conveniently sleeping right now. It was all fine. It was good. As long as Subaru can save her. This was great. Rem would not suffer as she sleeps peacefully. When Subaru is completed, when Subaru is at his strongest and everyone is saved. She would wake up. And saw how far her hero got.
That's right. It's fine, it's totally fine. I just hope she doesn't have nightmares. Oh right, she doesn't have dreams or nightmares.
Subaru believed, truly believed...and he KNEW.
It wasn't about Satella. It wasn't about her sick, twisted perception.
Natsuki Subaru could not save Rem from getting eaten because of his desires and selfishness.
If no one knew about Rem. No one could target Rem. A shitty ability got used on her? No matter. Subaru will fix her no matter what. That is why the checkpoint was updated. Rem would not suffer. If Rem ever suffered like that, if she threw herself to death for him again. Subaru couldn't go on, it would break him. But Return By Death was Subaru's determination and the sole reason that he could go on. He wouldn't give up on a satisfactory ending. If Rem chose that Subaru shouldn't the part of himself that he grew beside Emilia and others then he wouldn't do that. To do that, Rem shouldn't ever sacrifice herself but that was impossible. Rem would sacrifice herself for him. EVERY LOOP SHE CAN, SHE WOULD.
That was the reach of Return By Death, Subaru could have limitations and hesitations but his determination and wish for satisfaction did not.
Subaru was more selfish than every single being in this world and he cared so less for himself that he just didn't have any self-preservation.
It took so long for Subaru to realize that this was all for Rem.
It was his DETERMINATION that Rem would not suffer, not in confirmed history and not in any loop. That was something Natsuki Subaru alone could make true by twisting fate itself. That was the privilege carried by those who didn't have any self-preservation. That is why Rem was sleeping, only so that Subaru could be satisfied.
Unlike Roswaal, Subaru wouldn't harden his heart to only gain one single thing. Subaru would make himself suffer instead of running away like that pathetic coward. Subaru will save everyone, and Subaru will be satisfied no matter what. If suffering and pain could be turned into power then Subaru would use even that. That was what it meant to be determined and Roswaal was weak and pathetic.
The human heart was a great asset that can be forced to evolve, bleed and so much more. Just because it's painful, people like Roswaal, and even the so-called incomprehensible Echidna would sacrifice their hearts because it's so painful to carry it while trying to reach their goals.
It was a weakness. Nothing but weakness. Losing the heart was a means to escape the pain but they acted like that was power.
I will save Rem no matter what, I will save her, I will make her happy, I will carry everyone there till the very end and I will make them all smile so that Rem can be proud. Rem loved poems and music, I regret not being able to show her my skills just because I was embarrassed because I learned them when I was a shut-in but I will not let my past hold me back if it's for her. I will save Rem, I will make her wear different outfits. I will save Rem, I will make her my personal maid, Rem is mine, Roswaal won't ever order her. I will save Rem, if Roswaal thinks he can use Rem to kill that Lizard I won't let him. He thinks I wouldn't understand but I can see through him... with Beatrice's knowledge I completed the puzzle, and there is a chance that saving elves will consume all usable blood. But you don't need to worry about that, do you? If only you could kill the Dragon...and you just happened to be this Oni-God with you. I will save Rem, I will kill all Sin Archbishops before she wakes up. I will save Rem, I still learn about these cursed powers I can give birth to, but if they will be useful for my satisfaction, useful to save Rem then I don't care. I will master everything.
I will save Rem. I will save Rem. I will save Rem. I will save Rem.
I will save Rem. I will save Rem. I will save Rem. I will save Rem.
I will save Rem, and for that—
"Subaru? Are you okay?" Petra called out to him.
"Oh yes. I just decided that I'll break another cursed promise. A promise that I made to someone who never understood me. That girl… she can just rot." Subaru says casually. No one there assumes that he was talking about Rem. Hell…any comment about Rem was risky. Subaru would get ANGRY TO ANYONE if it's about Rem. No one wanted Subaru to shout at them…like that.
Except Ram…
'Telling me to die with fear, telling me to die like it's last. That's right. She never understood me. But now I won't let some long-dead feelings from an insignificant past cloud my judgment. To begin with…I should've known there was a reason why I couldn't see her face'.
Everything was so convenient for Satella. Carmilla also used her authority on him to cast how people felt about him. However, trials were nothing but scenarios and they weren't real. Hence, those emotions weren't real. But Subaru ignored that truth and acted like Witches had a coherent point other than trying to manipulate him. No, not anymore.
Subaru walks toward Petra and stops in front of her. Slowly coming to her height, a little bit lower than her kneeling.
"Ah...Subaru, I am sorry." Petra was apologetic. Even though all sadness and rage she had were for him and him alone. Subaru thought she was apologetic for not being able to understand him. But that was fine, Petra got a long way and she was trying her best at doing that.
"It's fine, but I want to tell you something Petra."
"..." Her mind started to heat up, what could that be? She knew what IT COULDN'T BE. However, her mind just didn't give up on that one desired possibility.
But that happy fantasy would be crushed by the dark reality called Natsuki Subaru.
"I will die for Rem. Just like I did before." I am not going to care about my life, I am going to care about MYSELF and the THINGS I WANT. Self-preservation cannot help me. I just don't have it in me to care about my well-being. That's the truth. I won't let some childish girl's idealistic path make me suffer. Acting like I will die once and for all after each death…proposing that alone made it obvious that Satella could not understand Subaru whatsoever.
He showed a glimmer of his true self, and they saw a new side of Subaru…
Would they forget as always?
Or remember and suffer with him?
A part of him deep inside wondered once again.
—A part of him that disappointed thousands of times in this one single year of peace.
Natsuki Subaru closed his eyes as his friends went frantic over his words.
Subaru traumatizes the little maid who has a crush on him just to make a point. Subaru, what a scum you are!
Welcome to Author notes! Please support the story! Kudos, follow, favorite etc. etc. Depends on which site you are reading. Gonna be a long run! And reviews and comments are most important!
Welp. Subaru's perfect acting throughout the year snaps here because of his inhuman insensitivity. He thought about many things and came to answers of his own. Throughout the year Subaru lived through some depressing stuff and he also has many answers that will be revealed in the story slowly.
One of those answers was that why the fuck he is living in a reality with Rem is a potato. But then Subaru realizes Rem isn't a potato but a sleeping princess for him to wake up when he becomes the perfect hero. What? You say that's so fucking mentally ill? You are fucking right! But that's how it is. Subaru is fine with Rem being sleeping and he is sure he will wake her up. This is much better to him than Rem suffering while being awake(Fucked up mentality right?) which is caused by her getting killed for him a lot in arc 3. This of course, isn't something escaped from Ram's eyes and she was pissed. So things happened between them. I'll give hints and bits throughout the chapters but I am not sure if it will EVER be explored fully. If you want it or not, decide at later chapters and tell me.
Emilia's actions as you can see…have consequences. Whether it be Subaru carrying more weight or problems happening here. Subaru also realized a long ago, he can, in fact, just get Emilia if he actually acts the way she likes. However there are problems with this like…it's superficial and then he has his own problems. Though if Emilia had the revelation on her own and confessed…he would probably just go for it even in this situation.
And despite Subaru's thoughts about everyone being awesome and all disappeared. He still holds Rem in high regard. That's how strong those feelings are and how much he wants Rem back.
Please tell me your thoughts! I read all the comments and reviews. And if there is any grammatical error or things like that, I'll fix it.
Good days to all of you!
Next chapter is at May 16…unless you join discord then it's at 15th