I never really wanted children. It was just something that was expected of me, by society, by my father, by my brothers. I didn't want to produce an heir to carry on the family bloodline. I wanted to be important in my own right.
My own mother never wanted me, she told me as much. I was always a daddy's girl. When she left all I felt was relief, that neither of us had to pretend any more.
I married a man I didn't love for security, and then he betrayed me. He held all the power after all. To end up the wife of a powerful man — it was just what I didn't want.
The pregnancy wasn't planned, not exactly. We were trying, or said we were, but I never really thought it would happen. When I found out it had worked I went into denial, then decided I might as well keep it. In for a penny, in for a pound.
Now, holding my newborn daughter in my arms, I know that I've made a terrible mistake.
I'm sorry, Siobhan, but I don't think I can be a mother to you.