The Mayhem Critic
Aloha, my fellow readers. It is I, the great James Stryker and welcome back to another hilarious chapter of The Mayhem Critic. Today, you're in for a real treat now because I've been waiting to do another Top 11 countdown. And I've picked the perfect one. Today, Sean the Mayhem Critic is going to revisit one of the hilarious sitcoms of all time. And that show is Married... With Children and he's going to be counting down some of his favorite episodes. Which episodes made the list? Which one's are the funniest? Well, you're gonna have to sit back and read to find out. So here it is, the newest chapter of The Mayhem Critic. Enjoy.
P.S.: I do not own anything involved in this story. All rights and references belong to their respective sources. Married... With Children is owned by Embassy Communications and Columbia Pictures Television.
Episode 183
The Top 11 Funniest Married... With Children Episodes
(We open with the Mayhem Critic intro. After the intro ends, we open with our favorite residential movie critic Sean J. Archer, a.k.a. the Mayhem Critic, sitting on his couch while wearing a "No Ma'am" t-shirt)
"Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. I'm Sean the Mayhem Critic, the critic that rips movies a new one. Let's talk about Married... With Children." Sean said.
(Clips from the show are shown while the theme music plays)
Sean: (Narrating) What can I say about this show? It's crude, it's raunchy, it's misogynistic and degrading to women, it's offensive... it's funny as hell. Sure, there are people complaining about the show because of how offensive it is, but to us, it's the most groundbreaking, boldest and funniest sitcoms of all time, it puts family sitcoms to shame. The show ran for a good 11 seasons and they have some pretty damn good episodes. Without Married... With Children, there would be no Roseanne or The Simpsons or Family Guy or South Park. And in honor of this hilarious sitcom, we're going to sort out some of the best episodes of the show. Which ones are the funniest? Which ones are memorable? Which ones had the best jokes? There's 11 seasons and a lot to choose from, so let's not waste any time.
"And this is where I pick out my Top 11 Funniest Episodes of Married... With Children. Why Top 11? Because I don't have my girlfriend asking me for sex every night." Sean said.
"Oh, Sean. I have a surprise for you." Taylor said from upstairs.
"Oh, great. Well, in the words of Al Bundy: "Let's Rock". This is the Top 11 Funniest Married... With Children episodes." Sean said.
(We open with Bud, Kelly, Peggy and Buck taking money from Al, who's looking disgusted. Then the title "The Top 11 Funniest Married... With Children Episodes" is shown. For each interlude on the Top 11, we get a still shot of Peggy and Al sitting on the couch with the number moving in front of them and green ooze covers the number)
Number 11: The Hood, the Bud and the Kelly Parts 1 and 2 (Season 10, Episodes 15 and 16)
Sean: (Narrating) This has got to be one of the greatest, yet funniest episodes from the show's tenth season with a pretty hilarious premise and this episode has a lot of funny moments in it. In this episode, Bud tries to get new clients to help finance his latest money-making scheme, which is an aerobics video featuring his sister Kelly. But that fails when he is turned down by every bank. So what does he do? He sees an ad on TV featuring a mob-connected businessman.
Vito Capone (Played by Perry Anzilotti): (On TV) I'm Vito Capone. No relation. If you're a worthless bum who's been turned down by every bank in town, then catch the bus or have your mommy drive you down to Moneyland. We turn down no one, so come on by. We're conveniently located in the trunk of my car. So call 1-800-Horsehead.
Bud Bundy (Played by David Faustino): (While writing the number down) Horsehead.
Sean: (Narrating) He gets Vito Capone to finance his aerobics video, things are going according to plan. But here's the thing: he gives Bud the deadline to finish the video by 5:00. But when Kelly and the male lead Raphael get into a disagreement, the shady businessman threatens to kill Bud if he doesn't finish the video by 5:00.
Bud Bundy: You got... You got a great sense of humor, Mr. Capone.
Vito Capone: (Chuckles) Yes, I do, Bud. Unfortunately, Gino, who I'm leaving here to make sure you're done on time, has no sense of humor whatsoever. (To Gino) Yo, Gino!
(Vito's hulking henchman Vito enters the studio. He removes his sunglasses and sees Bud. He approaches him with a menacing look on his face before he smiles at him. Bud then turns to the camera, breaking the fourth wall by giving the audience a worried look)
Sean: (Narrating) And on top of that, we get a pretty hilarious subplot for Al, where he buys a satellite dish and him and Jefferson try to install it themselves, which leads to a pretty hilarious gag.
Marcy D'Arcy (Played by Amanda Bearse): This is gonna be so much fun. I feel like a kid at Christmas.
(Peggy chuckles)
Peggy Bundy (Played by Katey Sagal): Yeah, well, get ready to open your present. Five, four, three...
Al Bundy (Played by Ed O'Neill): Watch it, Jefferson!
(Al falls off of the roof and Marcy starts laughing)
Peggy Bundy: A little early.
Marcy D'Arcy: Yeah.
(Al gets up from off of the ground)
Al Bundy: Five minutes, Peg.
Jefferson D'Arcy (Played by Ted McGinley): Al, I'm slipping!
(Jefferson falls off of the roof and lands on Al, knocking him back down while Marcy continues to laugh)
Sean: (Narrating) I tend to laugh my ass off from seeing Al and Jefferson injuring themselves trying to work on something themselves. And they end up dragging their friends into this mess, which makes this situation pretty damn hilarious and they end up hurting themselves as well and their wives placing bets on who's gonna fall off of the roof next and we get one of my favorite lines from this episode.
Jefferson D'Arcy: All right, all right. Let's see here. I got bracket "S" and washer "T". Uh, hey, Dan, hand me screw "U".
(Officer Dan glares at Jefferson)
Officer Dan (Played by Dan Tullis Jr.): What?
Jefferson D'Arcy: I said, screw "U".
Officer Dan: (Pulls out his revolver) Up yours, you...!
Jefferson D'Arcy: Oh, yeah? (Gets ready to perform a crane kick on Officer Dan)
Sean: (Narrating) That sounds like something off of a Stranger Things fanfiction involving Mike, Will, Dustin, Lucas and Steve. I can imagine these guys doing something silly like that. You also have Richard Moll playing the hulking henchman Gino. They made Bull from Night Court so menacing and yet so damn hilarious.
Gino (Played by Richard Moll): Bud, I got good news. You're gonna see Paris.
Bud Bundy: You're gonna... gonna send me to Paris?
Gino: No, just your eyes. (Cackles)
Sean: (Narrating) Everybody's amazing in this, the gags are laugh out loud silly and the writing is hilarious. This is a classic episode that had us laughing all the way through.
Raphael (Played by John Carlos Frey): That is it. We are walking.
Kelly Bundy (Played by Christina Applegate): So are Kelly.
(Kelly and Raphael both storm off to their dressing rooms. Gino stares at Bud while Bud stares back at Gino and gives him a smile)
Gino: Good teeth, Bud. I like that in a dead guy.
(Bud covers his mouth and walks off)
(Interlude)
Number 10: Guys and Dolls (Season 2, Episode 14)
Sean: (Narrating) In this episode, Al and Steve try to get Bud to take up baseball card-collecting as a hobby after he gets in trouble for using a picture of Kelly in a bikini for a school project.
Al Bundy: Bud, I want to talk to about your new hobby.
Bud Bundy: What's my new hobby, Dad?
Al Bundy: Collecting baseball cards.
Bud Bundy: How long have I had this new hobby, Dad?
Al Bundy: About two minutes, son.
Bud Bundy: Do I like it?
(Al and Steve both chuckle)
Sean: (Narrating) When Al and Steve get caught up in collecting baseball cards, they end up selling Marcy's old Barbie doll.
Marcy Rhoades: (Entering the Bundy residence) Steve, we've been robbed! They took my Barbie!
Peggy Bundy: Not the one you were saving to give to your daughter?!
(Steve looks at Al as he realizes what he has done)
Marcy Rhoades: And it was someone we know! They went right for her! Steve, find them! Find them and kill them! (Pauses) No, don't kill them. Bring them to me. I'll kill them. But not at first. First I'll take a hammer, and smash their toes, little to big. Then, if it was a man, (turns to Peg) and I know it was a man, I'll turn the hammer AROUND!
(Marcy gestures turning a hammer in the opposite direction, causing Al to grimace)
Steve Rhoades: (In a high-pitched voice) Al...
Sean: (Narrating) But when they learn that the store that they sold the doll to was robbed, it's up to Al and Steve to hit the streets of Chicago to look for the doll. This episode shows how much guys love collecting Baseball cards. Yeah, this is before collecting Pokemon cards. And it also show how girls love playing with Barbie dolls. Plus, it's got a lot of funny moments in it. I like the bit where Peg doesn't know what a Barbie doll is when Marcy talks about her Barbie doll.
Peggy Bundy: And I had a very special bathtub toy. Who's Barbie?
Sean: (Narrating) Another favorite moment that I like was Bud screwing with Kelly on her book report by telling her that Robinson Crusoe was about Gilligan's Island and he tells her the tale of Gilligan's Island and singing the song, which gets her into trouble.
Kelly Bundy: I had a meeting with the principal, a three-hour meeting. A three-hour meeting. You see, Bud, you innocently mixed up Robinson Crusoe and Gilligan's Island. I told them that, but the principal didn't believe me. He just said, "Even you, Miss Bundy, are not that stupid."
Bud Bundy: But he was wrong wasn't he, Kel?
Sean: (Narrating) But the biggest highlight of the episode which gave me a chuckle were the scenes involving Al and Steve walking through the streets of Chicago and asking about the missing Barbie while an instrumental version of Glenn Frey's "You Belong to the City" plays in the background. Hell, they had to make fun of Miami Vice in this episode since Ed O'Neill guest starred in the episode. (A picture of Ed O'Neill in an episode of Miami Vice is shown) This is a great episode for those of you who love collecting things.
Steve Rhoades: (Slowly turns to Al) Al, those motorcycle guys hurt me.
Al Bundy: (Depressingly) I know they did.
(They both turn around and head out the door)
(Interlude)
Number 9: You Better Shop Around Parts 1 and 2 (Season 5, Episodes 21 and 22)
Sean: (Narrating) This is easily one of the best episodes and one of the funniest episodes of all time. And this show tends to give us some of the best, and this is what makes this episode so enjoyable. In this two-part episode, Al can't buy an air conditioner because how how cheap he is. But when he buys a German air conditioner from World War II for $17 bucks and when he installs it himself, he ends up causing a blackout in the whole neighborhood.
Peggy Bundy: Oh, the whole neighborhood's gone dark.
Al Bundy: Well, at least they don't know it's our fault.
Man: Bundy did this!
People: (Chanting) Bundy. Bundy. Bundy.
Kelly Bundy: God, where'd they get the torches and pitchforks so fast?
Al Bundy: Shut up! Put your weight against the door. They're coming in.
Sean: (Narrating) And when they get chased out of neighborhood by the pissed off neighbors, they end up moving to the one place where Al can get his family air conditioning... they end up moving into the local supermarket.
Al Bundy: Did I promise you the good life?
Peggy Bundy: (Chucles) Honey, if only everyone could be as happy as we are.
Al Bundy: Everybody doesn't have me, babe.
Sean: (Narrating) After making themselves comfortable for awhile, the owner of the supermarket tells them to buy something or he'll kick them out. So when they end up buying something, Al cuts in front of Marcy and he becomes the one millionth customer to leave the store and the prize that he won is a shopping spree worth $1000.
Marcy D'Arcy: Hey. I was the next in line.
Al Bundy: Well, what are you complaining about? You still are.
Sean: (Narrating) Marcy complains to the owner of the store that Al cut in front of her and she should've been the millionth customer, there's only one way that Al and Marcy could settle this, to compete to see who will be the millionth customer and win $1000 worth of groceries. And you know how the Bundy's play, the Bundy way, which is to cheat their asses off. We get a pretty fun Bundy/D'Arcy feud just seeing Al and Peg getting competitive with Marcy and Jefferson, leading to some pretty hilarious gags involving them trying to hurt each other. I love this bit where Marcy gets hurt by Al and Peg while she's trying to look for her contact lens and we get this classic line by Amanda Bearse.
Marcy D'Arcy: Jefferson, I've fallen, and I can't get up.
Sean: (Narrating) Which also leads to Jefferson running Marcy over with the shopping cart. Another highlight of the show was it's special guest star, Jerry Mathers from Leave it to Beaver. They made him so happy-go-lucky like his character until he gets miserable. He has a ton of funny moments in the episode that I like involving his little rant...
Jerry Mathers: Can it be true? Can Match Gam PM not use another celebrity? Am I truly lower than Charles Nelson Reilly?
Kelly Bundy: Who is this blubbering mess?
Bud Bundy: I think he was Opie.
Jerry Mathers: Opie was Ron Howard, you little fool. I was... No, I am the Beaver!
Sean: (Narrating) ...Bud and Kelly annoying him and he delivers this hilarious little comeback...
Bud Bundy: Just one last question, if all the autograph hounds can stay back for a second. Did you ever think of teaminf up with the Eddie Munster kid for the Thoroughly Pathetic Tour '91?
(Kelly and Bud both laugh)
Jerry Mathers: Look... let's get this over with once and for all. I may have to earn a pathetic living by donning the cap of the Beaver and appearing at supermarkets, but at least my father doesn't sell women's shoes.
(Bud and Kelly suddenly lower their heads in shame and quietly slink off)
Jerry Mathers: (Smiling as he sits on his chair) Golly, that felt good.
Sean: (Narrating) ...and of course, that little moment where he tries to hit on this smoking hot blonde.
Jerry Mathers: (Points to his chair that has his name on it and Gary Coleman's name crossed out) That's me. I was the Beaver.
Foodies Customer (Played by Gita Isak): Who?
(Jerry gets depressed and walks away, dragging the chair with him)
Sean: (Narrating) This is one of the greatest episodes that the show has to offer up. If you haven't seen it, then go check it out.
Peggy Bundy: I'm comin', Al. I'm comin'. Gangway!
(Peggy is racing down the aisle with the Cart of Death at full speed, unknowingly right towards Al as he begins to panic)
Al Bundy: No, Peg, no! It's over! (Suddenly smiles as he accepts his fate) Well, I married her.
(Immediately, Al hunches over as he is impaled by the knives on the cart while the shoppers are horrified at what they just witnessed)
(Interlude)
Number 8: Eatin' Out (Season 3, Episode 11)
Sean: (Narrating) Okay, before you read the title of the episode, get your mind out of the gutter, the title is not referring to something sexual. It actually refers to the Bundys going out to eat. And boy, do they get the first decent meal of their lives... and on someone's dime too! In this episode, the Bundys receive an inheritance check from Peg's Uncle Henry who died. They don't know what to do with it, so Marcy suggest that they should go to a nice restaurant to eat.
Al Bundy: (To the Maitre' D) Uh, reservations for Mr. Warren Beatty and family.
Maitre' D (Played by Clement von Franckenstein): Uh, right this way, sir.
(The Maitre' D shows them to their table, but Al walks over to another table where his family is looking at the food that the patrons are eating)
Al Bundy: Hey, now, look at that steak. Now, I want something like that.
Peggy Bundy: Wow, and look at that bald guy's chicken.
Kelly Bundy: The rolls look good too.
Bud Bundy: Could you cut into that so I can see how it looks?
Al Bundy: How much does it cost for something like that? How much does a steak like that cost? That corn looks good...
Maitre' D: (Walks over to Al) This way, please. Your table's waiting for you.
Sean: (Narrating) Now with the Bundys eating at a fancy restaurant, you know that hilarity is gonna ensue. I don't know if anybody talked about this episode, but man, is it funny when I watched it. And watching it again, it's really funny just to watch the Bundys have their first decent meal in years after living off of toaster leavings and Tang. When I talk about this episode, it's hard to think of a scene that didn't make me laugh out loud at the comic absurdity from this. Remember this little moment?
Maitre' D: Before you see a menu, would anyone care to begin with a cocktail?
Al Bundy: Coke.
Peggy Bundy: Coke.
Bud Bundy: Coke.
Kelly Bundy: Jack and a beer back.
(They all look at Kelly)
Kelly Bundy: It's, um, slang that the kids use. It means Coke.
Sean: (Narrating) How about this little moment?
Bud Bundy: (V/O) Look at that steak... I think I'm getting sexually excited. (Licks his lips)
Kelly Bundy: (V/O) I knew you were supposed to cook a potato. I knew it, I knew it.
Peggy Bundy: (V/O) This food could be trouble. They're all going to like it and then they're going to look at me.
(The rest of the family open their eyes and stare at Peg for a moment, before lowering their heads again)
Al Bundy: (V/O) And Lord, I'd just like to say... other people get to eat like this all the time. Animals at the zoo eat better than me. And more often, I might add. Don't I rate as much as a jackal gets? Thanks for listening. (Quietly) Your friend, Al.
Sean: (Narrating) And let's not forget...
(The family start eating their meal like animals)
Al Bundy: (Gruffly) A roll!
(Bud tosses a roll to Al)
Al Bundy: Butter!
(Kelly passes the butter over to Al)
Sean: (Narrating) The writers had a ball writing this episode and I'm pretty sure that the cast had a lot of fun with this episode as well, packed with many hilarious jokes and moments. After watching this episode, you're definitely gonna have to go out for some steak as well. Just make sure that you don't forget your wallet just like Al.
Al Bundy: You know, there's only one way to top off a meal like that.
Bud Bundy: Cigar?
Al Bundy: No. (To the waiter) Oh, waiter. Got a newspaper there?
Paul the Waiter (Played by Michael Tulin): Right away, sir.
(Paul hands Al a newspaper)
Al Bundy: Yep.
(He gets up from out of his seat and starts singing "Moon River" while he makes his way to the restroom)
(Interlude)
Number 7: Movie Show (Season 7, Episode 21)
Sean: (Narrating) Yeah, I had to pick an episode from season seven which has Peggy's nephew Seven. Uh, yeah. We don't care about Seven. Anyway, this is a classic, yet hilarious episode that deals with the one premise: Al and his family at the movies. The jokes write themselves. Al takes his family to the movies for Kelly's birthday and at the movies, Kelly sees that her boyfriend is cheating on her with another girl.
Kelly Bundy: (After seeing her boyfriend Frank with another girl) I can't believe he's here. I am so upset.
Peggy Bundy: Well, honey, it's kind of a family thing. We couldn't leave Daddy home.
Kelly Bundy: No, Mom. Look, it's Frank. God, just because I broke our date, he's out with another girl. And he has that talking-about-his-uncle's-sausage look on his face.
Peggy Bundy: Oh, now, don't worry, honey. You're gonna have a great time. You're with your family.
(Al and Bud make buzzing noises with their candy boxes and they both laugh)
Sean: (Narrating) Every character has their own agenda in this episode. You have Kelly dealing with her cheating boyfriend and talking to Peg about it since she's never been cheated on before, Bud failing at trying to hit on different women in the movie theater, Al beating up on some guy for telling him to shut up and taking his popcorn, you also have Jefferson and Marcy doing some role-playing in the movie theater to get themselves hot. And to top it off, you have the biggest highlight of the episode and it's at the end of it as Kelly confronts Frank, and he's played by a young David Boreanaz, and she gives Al permission to kick his ass for hurting his pumpkin. Admit it, you laughed when you saw Angel getting his ass kicked by Jay Pritchett. It's a night at the movies done the Bundy way.
Al Bundy: (After beating up Frank) And that's why cable will never replace the moviegoing experience.
(Interlude)
Number 6: I Want My Psycho Dad Parts 1 and 2 (Season 9, Episodes 12 and 13)
Sean: (Narrating) This episodes brings up an excellent topic that's been talked about till this day, violence in television and taking it to Congress. And this episode does it. In this episode, Al is shocked to find out that his favorite show Psycho Dad has been cancelled.
Al Bundy: No Psycho Dad? How can this be, Peg? What kind of moron is behind this?
(Marcy enters the house)
Marcy D'Arcy: (Sings) Who's the guy whose show is done? Whose TV hero's on the run? Who'll be watching VH1? Loser Al, Loser Al, Loser Al!
Peggy Bundy: Marcy, I don't think this is a very good time.
Marcy D'Arcy: Are you kidding? This is a great time. My women's group finally helped get Psycho Dad cancelled.
Al Bundy: Cancelled? You got it cancelled?
Marcy D'Arcy: Indeed-y do.
Sean: (Narrating) Man, how diabolical of Marcy to get Al's favorite show cancelled. And because of what that giant chicken did, Al and his NO MA'AM group get together again to organize a protest outside the local TV station, but no one takes notice. He tries writing a letter to Psycho Dad, himself. Well, the actor who plays Psycho Dad and after he reads the letter, he quits playing Psycho Dad. Since that fails, there's only one thing that they should do... head down to Washington D.C. to head down to Congress.
Al Bundy: Gentlemen, No MA'AM is going to Washington!
(They all cheer)
Sean: (Narrating) What I love about this episode is that it was showrunner Michael G. Moye's response to the people trying to cancel the series for being "offensive" over the years. And trust me, we'll talk about that person when we continue on with the countdown. And with Al and the gang in Washington, leads to some pretty hilarious moments, like them getting shot at in their motel room by some disgruntled postal workers and Officer Dan starts shooting at them...
Marcy D'Arcy: Look out!
(They all duck for cover as somebody shoots at their motel room. Officer Dan gets up and runs over to the window and starts shooting at the shooters)
Officer Dan: Damn postal workers. (Yells out the window) Hey, we're from Chicago! Don't you know we invented random violence?
Sean: (Narrating) ...Jefferson having connections in the government...
(Two Secret Service agents enter the room)
Chopper (Played by Michael Philip: Good evening, Bullwinkle.
Jefferson D'Arcy: Hello Chopper. Geronimo.
Geronimo (Played by Barry Wiggins): Long time no see.
Chopper: What's up?
Jefferson D'Arcy: Iraq, Iran, I married.
(The three of them laugh)
Sean: (Narrating) ...you also have them arriving in Congress in a very hilarious scene where we get some pretty hilarious classic lines that gave me a chuckle.
Bob Rooney (Played by E.E. Bell): Hey, Al. "Taste in Television." T-I-
Al Bundy: Shut up.
Sean: (Narrating) And let's not forget Al's classic speech on TV violence.
Al Bundy: But our point here is, we know where real violence comes from. And it's not from that magic box I like to call TV. Oh, sure, the tube can be blamed for a lot of things. Brent Musburger. Full House. Any show where overweight female cops dress up as hookers. But violence, that's too easy. We've all been brought up on Road Runner cartoons and the Three Stooges. But how many of us have run a saw across a bald guy's head? How many of us have drawn a tunnel on the side of a mountain, only to watch our loved ones smash themselves into it? And you know why? Because we had parents, ladies and gentlemen.
Sean: (Narrating) It deals with a topic that people still talk about today, great writing and some pretty laughable moments. With comedy so good, who says that there's too much violence on TV?
(Al saves the senator's life by punching out the mugger)
Senator Furman (Played by J. Patrick McCormick): Well, thank you, Mr. Bundy. I would've been lost without my Discover card. Is there, uh, anything I can do for you?
Al Bundy: Well, you can try to put guys like that in jail. Or cancel Blossom. Maybe that's where he got the idea to wear the hat.
(Interlude)
Number 5: You Better Watch Out (Season 2, Episode 13)
Sean: (Narrating) This is easily one of the darkest episodes of Married... With Children have to put out. And you know what, that's what makes this episode so enjoyable. This is the first Christmas-themed episode of the show, the Bundys are celebrating Christmas and they're excited about the new Lakeside Mall, which Al is not happy about.
Al Bundy: Just a bunch of stores filled with cheap, gaudy merchandise that appeals to the tasteless, low-class shopper.
(Peggy enters the house, carrying two bags from Lakeside Mall)
Peggy Bundy: (Sings) Santa Claus is coming to the Lakeside Mall! (Laughs) Oh, God, I love that Lakeside Mall. Al, give me some money. I'm going back. Anyone want to come with me? Anyway, they're excited to see Santa parachuting into the Lakeside Mall. So, the Bundys and Steve and Marcy are watching Santa parachuting from out of a plane, until this happens.
Marcy Rhodes: Why is he flapping his arms like that?
Announcer: Santa's chute doesn't seem to be opening. Oh, he's being blown off course. Our cameras have lost him! Ladies and gentlemen, we don't know where he is!
(The tree limbs then start to crack, leading both the Bundys and the Rhoades' to look to the backyard patio. And then, all of a sudden, Santa Claus falls down from the sky on his head, therefore killing him)
Sean: (Narrating) Holy shit! That was dark as hell! Plus, the situation gets worse when it attracts the attention of the neighborhood kids, leading to one of the most funniest moments of the entire episode: Al dressing up as Santa.
(Al steps outside, dressed as Santa)
Al Bundy: Ho, ho ho! Hi, everybody!
Children: Yay, Santa!
Al Bundy: Thank you. Thank you. I'm fine. I landed on my belly. Ho, ho, ho! Merry Christmas, each and every one. And remember, I know when you've been sleeping. I know when you're awake. (Angrily to Joey) You, Joey, I know it was you who lit that bag of doody and put it on the Bundy porch, so you're out of luck this Christmas.
Sean: (Narrating) I know that many of you remember reviewing this episode with my good buddy Lucas back in 2020, so you can probably get much more information about it there. But once again, it's an episode about Santa dies after landing in the Bundys' backyard. It has some dark humor in it and it tends to be mean-spirited and you have some of that usual Bundy humor and this one is a definite enjoyable episode, even if your want your childhood scarred for life.
Marcy Rhoades: Santa's gone. I'll never be able to enjoy Christmas again.
Kelly Bundy: Well, you're in the right place.
(Interlude)
Number 4: The D'Arcy Files (Season 8, Episode 20)
Sean: (Narrating) When Ted McGinley joined the cast as Marcy's brand-new superior husband and boy toy Jefferson D'Arcy, we all thought that he was going to be as show killer, but man, he's an excellent addition to the cast and he happens to be my favorite character of the show and he was pretty hilarious. And we get an episode focused on Jefferson. In this episode, we learn about Jefferson's past. Turns out that Jefferson is an ex-CIA spy in a witness relocation program after he recognizes the one man who could expose his past while watching a baseball game. Then, the guy Walter Traugott visits Al to show him pictures of Jefferson.
Walter Traugott (Played by Robert Mandan): Do you know the man in this picture?
(Traugott shows Al a picture of Jefferson with Fidel Castro)
Walter Traugott: Or... this one.
(Traugott shows Al another photo. This time, it's a photo of Jefferson with Yasser Arafat)
Walter Traugott: Or maybe this one.
(Al is looking at a photo of the Rat Pack, where we see Jefferson's face replacing Peter Lawford)
Walter Traugott: I'll cut to the chase. This man is one of the most dangerous people in the world.
Al Bundy: Joey Bishop? I always suspected that.
Sean: (Narrating) But Al is conflicted when Traugott offers him a $50,000 reward if he could turn in Jefferson. We see the epic friendship of Al and Jefferson being spotlighted in the episode and we also get one of the funniest and classic scenes from the episode and it give us some pretty quotable lines from it.
Al Bundy: Do you know what I want to do?
Jefferson D'Arcy: What?
Al Bundy: I want to play Name the American Presidents.
Jefferson D'Arcy: You got to be kidding.
Al Bundy: Afraid not! You go first.
Jefferson D'Arcy: Ok. George Washington.
Al Bundy: Eisenhower.
Jefferson D'Arcy: John Adams.
Al Bundy: Eisenhower.
Jefferson D'Arcy: Thomas Jefferson.
Al Bundy: Uh... Eisenhower.
(Transition to the next scene)
Jefferson D'Arcy: James K. Polk.
Al Bundy: Dwight D. Eisenhower.
Sean: (Narrating) Friggin' hilarious. Now, I'm not going to spoil the ending for you, but let me tell you something, the ending is pretty funny. You'll probably be asking yourself, did they really just pull that off? Check it out when you get a chance.
Jefferson D'Arcy: Because you're a Bundy. And if you put a "D" where the "N" is, you're a buddy.
Al Bundy: And if you put the "N" where the "D" is, I'm a bunny. What's your point?
(Interlude)
Number 3: I'll See You in Court (Season 3, Episode 10)
Sean: (Narrating) Season three marked an increase of the show's popularity, and because it's the first raunchy sitcom to run on regular network television, a woman named Terry Rakolta began a moral boycott campaign against the show after the episode "Her Cups Runneth Over" aired and that episode involves Al and Steve going to a lingerie store in search of Peggy's favorite bra. But we're not gonna talk about this episode. No, sir. We're gonna talk about the "Lost Episode" of the show's third season. In this episode. Peggy takes Al to a seedy motel to spice up their sex life and they happen to come across a porn movie to watch that would get them in the mood. But that movie turns out to be surveillance footage of Steve and Marcy being a couple of freaks in the bedroom.
(Steve and Marcy are sitting on the couch, covering their faces in shame)
Steve Rhoades: I can't believe they taped us.
Marcy Rhoades: And on "back to school" night. Steve, I feel so violated.
Al Bundy: Oh, gee, guys. If we'd known you didn't know you were being taped we never would have brought you over here and sprung this on you. I feel terrible.
(Both Al and Peggy laugh)
Sean: (Narrating) But hey, if the same people at the motel filmed Steve and Marcy having sex, then they probably filmed Al and Peggy having sex as well. So, the four of them take it to court to sue the pants off the motel for a million dollars. This episode didn't air on Fox until the show was in syndication on FX in 2002 since the network was too afraid to air something too risque. This episode has some classic moments. My favorite moment from the episode would have to be Steve being their lawyer.
(Everyone in the courtroom rise for the judge as she enters, except for Steve, who is still sitting down)
Steve Rhoades: Where's everybody going?
Marcy Rhoades: We're standing for the judge, Mr. Darrow.
(Steve sees the judge and stands up while everyone sits back down)
Sean: (Narrating) Top it all off with the Perry Mason theme playing during the montage of Steve being the worst lawyer ever and you got yourself one classic episode. So remember, if you want to thank someone, thank Terry Rakota for making the show popular.
Bud Bundy: Mrs. Rhoades is blushing like schoolgirl
(Marcy looks at Al and Peggy)
Marcy Rhoades: You told them! Everybody knows I'm a porn queen.
(Interlude)
Number 2: Get the Dodge Out of Hell (Season 9, Episode 16)
Sean: (Narrating) Now, this is the episode where the cast and crew pulled out all the stops because this was a very special episode and it aired right after the show got an Emmy Nomination. What's also important is that this was the show's historic 200th episode. In this episode, Al's beloved Dodge goes missing at the car wash while on their way to Wanker County.
Car Wash Employee #1 (Played by Ian Gomez): Mr. Bundy, I-I don't know how to tell you this but we can't find your car.
Al Bundy: What do you mean you can't find my car? I saw it go in.
Car Wash Employee #1: Me too. But it never came out
Car Wash Employee # 2 (Played by Rick Batalla): That'll be $8.95, please.
Sean: (Narrating) But what's more important is that there's something very valuable in Al's beloved Dodge. His baby that he loves more than his wife. And on top of all that, you have a subplot involving Marcy as she gets Jefferson a job at the car wash and she has a run-in with her ex-husband Steve, who's now making the big bucks and we see that there's still some hostility between the two of them, and the interaction between the two of them is hilarious and when you see what Steve actually does, it's pretty hilarious. I'm not gonna spoil it for you, just trust me you'll laugh at it. We get tons of hilarious one-liners in the history of the show and a few lines that are my favorite, like...
Al Bundy: Oh, Peg, look, Car-Bras.
Peggy Bundy: The Dodge does not need a Car-Bra.
Al Bundy: Oh, it's not for the Dodge, Peg. No, it's for your mom. (Holds up the box) Look, it's even in her size: "Astro Van".
Sean: (Narrating) And of course this...
Bud Bundy: This is ridiculous. How can our car just disappear?
Kelly Bundy: Well, Siegfried and Roy make that tiger disappear.
Al Bundy: Well, we all know where that goes.
Sean: Let's not forget the hilarious moment where Al literally goes through the car wash to look for his Dodge. Great stuff. We do get a rare but very good sweet moment at the end where Al reveals the "stuff", it's not Big-Uns, but it's something that would definitely put a smile on your face. This is one of the greatest episodes of all time and for it's 200th episode, it's still the greatest.
Peggy Bundy: Gee, I didn't know they made a Dodge Loser.
"And before we get to number one on the countdown, here are a few runners up." Sean said.
Runners Up
The Desperate Half-Hour (Season 11, Episode 22)
Bud Hits the Books (Season 10, Episode 23)
It's a Bundyful Life Parts 1 and 2 (Season 4, Episodes 11 and 12)
The Egg and I (Season 6, Episode 17)
NO MA'AM (Season 8, Episode 9)
The Proposition (Season 7, Episode 26)
Just Married... with Children (Season 2, Episode 20)
We'll Follow the Sun (Season 5, Episode 1)
Her Cups Runneth Over (Season 3, Episode 6)
"Okay, now that we got that out of the way. I just like to point out that this is all opinion-based..." Sean said.
Audience Member: Tell us.
"Everyone has their own different take on things..." Sean said.
Audience Member: Just tell us.
"You'll probably hate what I'm going to pick..." Sean said.
Audience Members: TELL US THE GODDAMN EPISODE!
"Oh, just show it!" Sean exclaimed.
(Interlude to the next and final entry)
Number 1: Pilot (Season 1, Episode1)
Sean: (Narrating) Ladies and gentlemen, this is how legends are made. This was also the start of the new Fox Network and the world is in for the shock of their lives when the Bundys entered our homes. Now, I know what you're thinking: "Wait a minute, the first episode of the show's first season? Why is this one so special?" Well, here are a few reasons why this one is special. This was the first time when we meet Al and Peggy Bundy, and their children Bud and Kelly. So, what is this about? It's about Al being forced to choose between going to a basketball game or joining Peg in meeting their new neighbors Steve and Marcy. And yes, this was before Marcy got married to Jefferson D'Arcy.
Al Bundy: Company?! Who the hell would want to come over here?
Peggy Bundy: Well, you know that honeymoon couple that moved next door?
Al Bundy: No.
Peggy Bundy: Well, I invited them over. I thought I told you.
Al Bundy: You didn't. Look, I worked hard all day. The last thing I want to do is spend the whole evening with people I don't know.
Sean: (Narrating) And when they meet Steve and Marcy, they're this loving newlywed couple who are the epitome of 1980s social climbing and greed. This episode has tons of hilarious moments while establishing the characters and their dynamic. You have Al as the miserable husband and father, Peggy the lazy housewife, Kelly being the hot, yet ditzy teenage daughter and Bud as the horndog son. And speaking of Kelly and Bud, in the original pilot, they were played by Tina Caspary from Mac and Me and Hunter Carson from Invaders From Mars. But the producers weren't happy with them, so they were recast by Christina Applegate and David Faustino, and they are perfect. Plus, you also have a character named Luke Ventura, who's played by Ritch Shydner, but his character only appeared in only four episodes of the show. Yeah, I don't think that anyone remember that character. We get some funny moments from the episode like Al and Peggy's banter.
Al Bundy: Anything else I can do to make your life a little easier?
Peggy Bundy: You could shave your back.
Al Bundy: Hey, that hair is there for a reason... keeps you off of me at night.
Sean: (Narrating) You also have the first of many hilarious insults from Al when he insults a fat lady.
Customer #1 (Played by Diana Bellamy): (To her son) Come on, Arnold. We're leaving.
Arnold (Played by Victor DiMattia): I want a balloon.
Al Bundy: You've already got one.
Sean: (Narrating) There's some good laughs and an excellent introduction to the characters, coming in at number one.
Al Bundy: You wanna go upstairs?
Peggy Bundy: Thought you wanted to watch the game.
Al Bundy: Naah! Who cares!
"And there you have it, my top 11 funniest Married... With Children episodes. If you have any favorite episodes that you would like to share with me, then let me know in the comments. I'm Sean the Mayhem Critic, and..." Sean said.
"Oh, Sean." Taylor called.
Sean turned to his right, his eyes widened in surprise only to see Taylor standing by the steps wearing a sexy black satin lace slip.
"I hope that you're finished reviewing. Now, I got something for you to review in the bedroom." Taylor said.
"I hope I'm reviewing Bangin' the Babysitter 6." Sean said.
"No, it's called Bangin' the Hot Blonde Fiancee." Taylor said.
"Oh, well. I'm a bit exhausted from reviewing. I definitely need a break." Sean said.
"Well, if you can't go upstairs with me, maybe I'll take you on the couch." Taylor said as she straddles Sean's lap on the couch and starts kissing him passionately.
"OH, GOD! NO! WHY?!" Sean yelled out in his Al Bundy voice.
"OH, YEAH!" Taylor yelled out.
Mayhem Critic Tagline- And I had a very special bathtub toy. Who's Barbie?
And there we go! I've finished another Top 11 countdown. So what did you think of my picks? Did I pick out some good choices. If you have any favorites that you would like to share that didn't make the list, feel free to let me know. Next time on The Mayhem Critic, it's the review of your choice. Here are the two movies that I picked out to review:
1. Son of the Pink Panther: Sean the Mayhem Critic tackles the final film in the original Blake Edwards-era franchise.
2. Ferris Bueller's Day Off: It is known as one of the greatest teen comedies of all-time. But, how well has this movie held up over the years? Sean the Mayhem Critic takes a look at John Hughes' best films.
Which movie should I review next? So, make sure you leave a review of the new chapter, add this story to your favorites and follow it for future updates. Also, if you would love to do a co-review with me or if you have any requests for a movie or a TV show for me to review, feel free to let me know in the reviews or PM me if you're interested. I'll see you guys next time. Till next time, my fellow readers.