IV

The wooden staircase creaked beneath her feet as she tried to stealthily move up to the second floor. Hailey winched at the sound and paused a few steps from the landing. She listened after sounds that could indicate that their suspect has heard her. All she could hear was her own heartbeat. She moved up the last couple of steps and tried them out with her feet before she put her full weight on them.

Just like downstairs, the second floor looked like a dump. The entire placed reeked of misery. Everywhere she looked there lay discarded old newspapers, takeout containers, and pieces of fabric that Hailey supposed was items of clothing. The wallpapers were peeling away from the walls. In places it was stained or faded in colour. Hailey walked down a long corridor and looked into every room she passed. Most of them were empty apart from a filthy mattress, the odd dresser, or a lone chair. There was hardly any furniture at all.

Hailey reached the end of the corridor and slowly edged her way into what appeared as a living room. An old TV flickered over in one corner with the sound muted, facing a couch that was teared at the seams and had the stuffing falling out. With her gun poised and ready she moved her foot over the threshold. She looked to the left and saw nothing but discarded junk. She took another step and turned towards the right to clear the area that was hidden by the open door.

Something moved out of the corner of her eye and a loud roar reached her ears. Before Hailey had the chance to react an overwhelming stench of warm sweat and old alcohol came over her. Hailey knew that smell better than anything. The first time she remembers smelling it, is when she was three years old. From then it had become a permanent fixture throughout the memories of her life.

A cold sensation spread through her body and froze all of her limbs in place. A force hit her chest and slammed her back into a wall, but Hailey hardly registered it. She heard screaming and then came the pain. The familiar pain from skin connecting harshly with skin. Ocean blue eyes, the same as hers, stared back at her filled with rage and a haze that only came from a bottle of vodka.

Hailey hated when he got like this. The first time after a good period was always the worst. It was as if he tried to compensate for months of behaving. When he got like that, there was nothing stopping him.

Suddenly it became hard to breath and Hailey snapped back to reality that almost played out like her memory. But looking at her wasn't a replica of her own eyes. The man in front of her had dull and dead brown eyes. His hair lay like greasy stripes on top of his head, and it looked as if he hadn't shaved for weeks. Beneath the facial hair, Hailey could detect, red and blotchy skin. The foul smell that came from his mouth and yellow teeth made her want to gag, but she couldn't because of the hands that was wrapped around her throat.

She started to fight back, but the man had her at a disadvantage apart from his size. He had shoved her up the wall, so her feet didn't touch the ground, which gave her no leverage. She kicked and flayed with her arms and legs to the best of her ability. Hailey got in a few hits but none of them managed to rub the mans hold of her throat.

Luckily for her, the man made enough noise for the both of them. Just as black spots started to cloud her vision, Jay and Atwater come up behind the man and pulled him off of her. She gasped for breath as the pressure on her throat was released. Her lungs burned. Her chest heaved in rapid succession.

"You okay?" Atwater called and looked in her direction as Jay put his cuffs around the struggling suspect's wrists.

Hailey gave him a thumbs up and pointed towards the doorway to say that she was heading outside. Without a backward glance, Hailey hurried out of the house. She passed the rest of the team on the way, but she did not stop to talk. When she finally reached outside, she leaned against the hood of her car and drew in a huge breath of relief. The fresh air filled her lungs and the stench of old sweat and alcohol slowly faded from her senses.

"Hailey?" came Jay's voice from behind her.

Hailey squeezed her eyes shut tightly and bowed her head. Why did this have to happen today of all days? Why did she have to flashback to her childhood in the middle of a case? Hailey knew why though. Yesterday morning she woke up to a phone call and a text message from her mother. Even though she didn't answer, it was enough to leave her unsettled for days. It had been years since she last heard from her parents, but whenever she did, it never turned out well.

A hand landed on her back and startled her out of her dazed state. Every defensive instinct in her body was on high alert. She swung around with her fist poised. If not for Jay's quick reflexes, she would have hit him right in the face. He managed to duck just in time.

"Whoa! Are you okay?"

"Yeah. I'm fine!" she panted and turned back to lean against the hood of the car. "I'm fine!"

She wasn't fine. She was a long way away from being fine. Another text message had come during the afternoon. It pleaded with her to answer. But she ignored that one as well. Then the calls started every other hour. With every call she reverted back to the young Hailey that cowered behind the couch and spent hours away from home for a moment. The panic filled her body and froze her in place. The shouts of anger and the screams of agony that rang through her childhood home. The sound of glass breaking. The tears. The pain. Everything she had spent years pushing away came flooding back. It felt like she was drowning, so she thought she would try and drown the feeling in return with the help of whiskey.

She poured herself another glass and jumped up to sit on the kitchen counter. The cold stone surface sent chills through her body that was all warm and soft from the hot shower she took earlier. It was late and she should really be asleep right now. She had to be at work in just a couple of hours to press the suspect she fought today for more information. But she knew from experience that sleep wouldn't come easily tonight, if it did at all.

Her phone buzzed again. Hailey froze with the glass halfway to her mouth. For a minute she contemplated whether to pick up the phone or not. Then she picked it up and looked at the display. It was Jay wondering if she wanted to meet up for a beer.

She couldn't even muster up a small smile at her partner's kindness. Because that is what it was. Kindness. He was checking in on her. Hailey was aware that Jay knew that something was up with her. The suspect should not have been able to get the upper hand on her like that, and on a normal day he wouldn't have. If that wasn't telling enough, she was sure that Jay connected the dots when she almost punched him in the face. Today sucked. She could only hope that tomorrow would be better. She would wake up to no new messages from her mother and there would be no new messages for the rest of the day.

The coffee dripped down into the pot at an excruciatingly slow pace. Hailey could go and do something in the meantime, but she stayed put and watched the brown liquid that hopefully would give her the energy she needed to get through the rest of the day. She had been right. Sleep had alluded her. The one time she had actually managed to fall asleep, she woke up an hour later panting and drenched in cold sweat. When her alarm rang a couple of hours later, she was already dressed and ready to leave through the front door.

She was exhausted. Texts from her mother kept on coming throughout the day. All of them were variations of a plea for Hailey to get in touch with them. She hadn't answered any of them. But with every text it took her longer and longer to decide not to answer. She still cared for her mother, and in some way also her father. Her childhood hadn't been all bad. There were moments she remembered rather fondly. But she had been lured in before under false pretences. A month or two and then everything turned sour again. This time Hailey wasn't too sure she would be able to pick herself up again when things inevitably fell apart.

Their current case wasn't helping either. Abused children who were funnelled through the foster system to the highest bidder where they were put through all kinds of hell. Every time they found out something about what the children went through, another little piece inside of her broke. She felt the terror they must have felt as if it was her own. Their faces would forever be engraved in her mind as their photos hanged on the whiteboard to tally the missing.

A knock sounded at entry to the breakroom before someone walked in and closed the door. Hailey turned her head and found that Jay was the one who had entered the room. He leaned back against the door, effectively blocking the room's only exit.

"What is going on with you Hails? And don't say you're fine, because you're not fine. Whatever it is, let me help you!"

"There is nothing you can do, Jay." Hailey sighed and turned back to the coffeemaker to mark the end of the newly started conversation. But Jay wouldn't budge.

"Bullshit! Something has got you rattled! Yesterday you froze. Today you keep looking at your phone. You snap at people when leads turns up empty. And excuse me for saying, but you look like crap!"

"Geeh, thanks."

Jay snorted and walked over to where she stood. He brought down a coffee mug from the shelf above the sink and handed it to her. She silently poured her coffee and took a big gulp. The liquid left a bitter taste behind in her mouth. Hailey grimaced. She never got used to how truly bad the coffee at the station was.

"Please Hails, tell me what's going on!"

Hailey took another sip of the coffee and contemplated what to say. She never spoke about her family. It left her vulnerable and wide open. Whenever she put her trust in another human being, it always ended up with her hurt and disappointed. She learned from a small age that she was on her own and did best alone. It was the way she lived.

She was attempting to put the past back into a box. To talk about it kept the past alive. It didn't change anything. The past still happened. She was still the little girl who had to hide behind the couch to protect herself from her father's rage. She was still the young woman who time and time again tried to save her mother from a life in fear and who time and time again had to watch her mother go back to said life.

"Don't worry about it."

This time Hailey ended the conversation by walking out the room. She took her coffee and walked back out to the bullpen to find another lead for them to follow. To keep her mind occupied was the best medicine.

They finally managed to track down the men behind the auction ring. Hailey felt a moment of relief and satisfaction when she got to slap bracelets on one of the men. But it quickly dissipated when they returned to the station and she found another text message from her mother on her phone. Said message led to her sitting in her car outside her childhood home. The familiar wooden structure towered outside the window. In the dark it was impossible to decipher its yellow colour that rivalled the sun, but Hailey still remembered it as clear as day.

From inside the house came a warm, inviting glow. Hailey could picture what the scene looked like inside. The rickety kitchen table would be set for two and the kitchen counters would be cluttered with pots and pans. A scent of different spices mixed with the music coming out from the radio. Then her parents would sit down and eat before her father retired to the living room to watch the news while her mother cleared the kitchen before she joined him.

The light meant that things were good. If not, the house would have been pitch dark and only the cold, flickering light of the television would be seen through the windows. The warm glow meant her father was sober and her mother lived with the illusion that everything would be alright. Hailey had been there. There were times when the table had been set for three instead and she had joined them in their nighttime routine. She had revelled in the feeling of being a family again.

Hailey would be lying if she said she wasn't tempted to go inside. She was tired of being on her own. It was exhausting. It was exhausting to always have to be the strong one. Inside was her mother's hugs, Greek food like her nonna used to make and intelligent conversations with her father. There was warmth and comfort that would take care of her for a while.

Just as she reached for the handle, her cellphone went off. Jay was calling her. She watched the phone until it rang off and the display went black. It immediately came to life again as he rang a second time. And a third.

Hailey removed her hand from the handle and turned the key to the ignition instead. Jay's call came just in time to bring her back to reality. It was like a cold shower. She had been down this road before. Her parents could not be her safe haven anymore. They had proven that time and time again. It was too late for them to have a place in her life, there was too much water under the bridge for that to happen. It was sad and maybe one day she would truly come to terms with that, but not today. All she needed today was to be strong enough to not fall into the same hole again.

As much as she tried to claim to be a lone wolf, there were people in her life that daily proved that they wanted to be there. Just as she wanted to be there for them. Her basic instinct had just not caught up to that fact yet. But deep inside she knew that if she needed it, help was there to find. Jay helped. He understood her and knew to be patient.

She shouldn't be here, Hailey thought and pulled away from the curb and the yellow house that held her past.

When she arrived on her street, she spotted Jays big black truck immediately parked outside her apartment. It shouldn't come as a surprise to her. If Jay had behaved as she had the last couple of days, she would probably be waiting on his stoop as well.

"Hey!" Jay called out as she approached him.

Without any hesitation or words, Hailey walked over and wrapped her arms around his waist. Jay's arms immediately responded and hugged her closer to his chest. They did not hug a lot, but Jay didn't question it. He simply held her in silence and allowed her the time she needed.

Hailey squeezed her eyes shut at the stinging sensation behind them and buried her face deeper in Jay's neck. It felt as if someone had taken their foot off of her chest and she could finally breathe again. She was filled with an overwhelming sense of relief. Leaving her parents' house was the right thing to do. This is what she needed to chase the demons away.

"Thank you!" she whispered against the skin of Jay's neck.

"Of course, I'm your partner!"