Good morning my people. Happy day. I'm exhausted and I think I need about 800 hours of sleep but here we are. Everyone is tired, including me lol
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The following day, Hermione dropped Harry and Ron off at Transfiguration and snuck into the back of the classroom as she did so. Minerva didn't acknowledge her, but those green eyes glanced up at her long enough for Hermione to wink and then leave. It was dangerous, but she decided at that moment she didn't really care.
She made her way to Albus' quarters and inquired after the Gargoyle before she went up with its permission.
"Good morning," he muttered as he was reading over some letters.
"Hi," she said, dropping her bag by the chair and flopping down into it. "I need to talk to you before we start."
"Hmm," he muttered.
"I want to take my N.E.W.T.s early, I want to just get it over with; I think Min has had enough. Oh," she said quickly. "You also need to pull the Order from the Room of Requirement."
He paused and she watched as his left eye twitched just a little and then he looked up at her.
"Don't -" she warned him quietly. "I know they're here, and I know why." He opened his mouth to speak but she continued. "The real reason, not the bullshit one you gave them. That, I can forgive, but I need to know what's going on with Draco and Snape -"
"Professor Snape," he said sternly.
"Whatever. They're getting in the way. They've noticed that they're here and they're behaving accordingly."
"Miss Granger."
"Oh," she said as she sat up. "Are we back there again?"
He huffed and took off his glasses.
"Hermione."
They stared at each other for a long moment before he stood. He moved over to Fawkes and stroked his chest.
"I'm asking you to drop this."
"Why," she asked calmly. "When it is so obviously an issue that needs to be investigated. Why are you so bent on me ignoring it?"
"Because I am asking you to."
"I will not," she shrugged. "They are doing something that I believe to be to the detriment of our lives or at least, our cause. Harry thought so too, but you didn't listen. I did and I agree with him; something is going on." She suddenly realised what was going on. "Oh," she frowned. "You're in on it! But what does that -"
"Miss -"
"Albus," she snapped, making Fawkes jump. "What the hell is going on?"
"I beg your -"
"What is going on?"
"I don't know what you -"
"You are making us watch shadow puppets in front while you move pieces around the board without our knowledge and behind our backs. I want to know why?"
"Miss Granger, our lesson is completed for today."
"No it isn't," she protested. "Not even remotely, and I would like to talk to you about my N.E.W.T.s."
"I will graduate you now if you will drop this and leave."
"What?" She blinked at him as he stood tense.
"There is an option to sign a release form that gives you an average score but an immediate one."
"Is there?" She made a face. It was incredibly unlikely that nobody had mentioned that before.
"No, but I am making one up right now."
"Albus," she hissed. "Why won't you tell me what the hell is going on?"
"Whatever you think of me, I would save Minerva from a lifetime of heartache and if this will help, then I will do so. Pick it up from me before the end of the week."
"Al -"
"Good day, Miss Granger."
In a show of just how messed up the whole situation was, Albus left his own office with a flash of fire with Fawkes' help. She blinked and considered what the hell had just happened and groaned into her hands. The situation was still so blinding that it was driving her insane. She just could not work out what was going on and she got up and kicked the chair in frustration.
She left his rooms and turned around, almost immediately, to walk back to Minerva's. She ignored everyone in the halls and in the classrooms droning on as normal and marched up to Michael instead.
"Hey," she muttered as Michael saw her.
"This is becoming a habit, lass," he chuckled. "I'll let 'er know."
She didn't really care at that moment. She got inside and immediately sighed. The tension left her in the company of Minerva's scent - her energy even. These rooms were purely Minerva and she breathed it in and found a little peace. She dropped her book bag and sat on the floor in the middle of the rug. She wasn't sure what she was doing, but she crossed her legs and huffed at herself and looked at the ceiling, then closed her eyes.
"I need your help and I know you can hear me."
"You talkin' t' me, lass?" Michael asked as he leaned into his portrait.
"No," she muttered as she got comfortable. "I'm talking to Lucia."
"Who?"
"Just leave me be," she muttered. "I need my people."
"Your people are here," Lucia smiled as Hermione opened her eyes. She was back in the room which was also Minerva's and she scrambled up off the floor. Lucia chuckled as Hermione threw her arms around her shoulders and hung on.
"I don't know what I'm doing and I don't know how to make it work and I'm so -"
"Hush, little one," Lucia said softly. She stroked Hermione's hair from her face. "You are coming into your own. Your body and soul are changing. It is an exhausting process for everyone and you are so very young. It is okay that you do not know what is going on. It is okay to be tired."
"I need to know what is happening! I need to know what my people are doing under my nose!" She almost shouted. "Albus is hiding so much from me and I cannot believe I'm saying this but I'm so angry. I'm angry that I cannot even love the woman I love without the whole world getting in the way. I'm angry that I cannot figure out what the hell is going on. I want to take Minerva and disappear somewhere where we'll never be disturbed, where she can be free of all this," she growled. "Bullshit and where she can just love me!" Lucia's strong arms wrapped around her again and she sobbed into the woman's shoulder. "I love her so much and I cannot even do that properly." She sobbed harder. "I don't even know if you're real."
"I'm as real as you are, little one. One does not cease to exist just because you cannot see them."
"I can see you."
"Indeed."
"Is Amalle -"
"Amalle is busy for the moment. It is fine that you are here. They will know."
"I need your help."
"And despite it not really being my place," Lucia said softly. "I will attempt to give it to you, though your world is very different from mine and my position within the system is not as yours."
Hermione seized on it.
"How do I make someone tell me the truth?"
"You cannot."
Hermione growled, which made Lucia chuckle. It did not amuse Hermione one bit.
"What is the point of this power if I cannot use it?"
"As with any power, you must use it very carefully. Ours is a life not for the faint-hearted and so, these powers we have been blessed with should not be used on a whim. You must choose your moments carefully. "
"Ok, well that's not helpful," she huffed. "Can the feelings be turned off? I feel horrible feeling everything - I have developed blocks, I guess. I think of a brick wall and it kind of helps but," she sighed. "Not really and it makes me feel so rude."
"You simply turn it off."
"What?"
"Listen to me," Lucia said earnestly. She drew Hermione over to a chaise lounge and held her hands as she sat. "This?" She said, squeezing her hands. "Is always there, for all of us. Generally, we are agents of aid and not of might. If someone needs us, we have this at our disposal, always. The other is not available to all of us. I do not have it, for example. Amalle does, but few of our other familia do. It does seem, though, that only those born into this have the potential for that gift." She stopped Hermione from speaking and conditioned. "I know that Amalle struggled with its invasiveness, just as you are. They felt that it was too much to be able to feel everything."
"It is! Not just because it affects how I think about people but also because people are entitled to feel how they feel! It's terrible, I just want to know how to turn it off!"
"It is not about turning it off, little one," Lucia chuckled. "It is simply about deciding that you do not want to know at that moment."
"I don't understand."
"I know you do not. And," she laughed sadly. "I know that is more frustrating for you than for anyone else."
"My world is at war and I am trying to protect so many people and I just -"
"Stop," Lucia whispered. She leaned her head against Hermione's and they breathed. "You cannot protect everybody from everything. You already learned that you cannot simply take away your love's pain. Just like Amalle cannot protect me from my pain, or their mother's anger. Things must be felt, they just do not all have to be felt by you."
"But -"
"Listen to me." Hermione took a deep breath and held it. She stared at Lucia and wished for all the world that Minerva was here as well. To help her understand. "Being The First is a challenge above all else. You have no guide, like we did, no rule book to consult. You must find your way through everything yourself and in one so young -" She cupped Hermione's cheek and sighed. "It is almost unfair."
"It is unfair," she sobbed. "I don't know what to do."
"But you do. You do! You know what to do just as I know it. The decisions you make in here," she traced Hermione's temple. "And in here," she pressed against her chest. "Are exactly the right ones to make. Your intellect is a boon but also a hindrance. You think that you can control life because you can see how it would be better if you did, but that is not how life works. You cannot control anyone, nor would you want to." Lucia nuzzled Hermione's nose. "You are exceptional but not invincible. You are also a beautiful soul. You would not really want to control someone else."
"No," Hermione swallowed. "I don't. That's what they do." Lucia looked at her quizzically. "The enemy. Our enemy."
She nodded sagely and sighed.
"You must let people live as they will. In time, with your help, some may learn to do better but you cannot force it upon them. And there will be plenty of them that never learn."
Hermione sighed.
"I feel like I'm letting everyone down because I don't have the answers."
"Nobody feels like you need to have all the answers, mo leannan."
Hermione blinked and turned to see Minerva sitting on the carpet.
"Min?"
"I'm here, Trouble. It's alright."
"Min, I -"
"We were discussing deciding not to feel everyone around you."
"Oh?" Minerva said. "And how do you suggest she do that?"
Lucia smiled.
"Oh dear heart, how alike we are in the way we protect our loves. I have used that tone many a time with my mother-in-law." Minerva snorted. "It is simply a decision to let it go. You choose to ignore it."
"Hmm," Minerva mused. "How illuminating."
Lucia laughed musically.
"The power within her mind is enough," she explained further. "Concentration, and force of will, will let it go. You, in particular, should be able to help."
"I suppose we shall do our best," Minerva mused.
"Yes," Lucia smiled. "Now, go with your love. Perhaps, young one, you will allow this old soul to tell you her fears."
"Min doesn't have any fears," Hermione snorted. "Not about anything out there."
"I wasn't talking to you," Lucia winked as Minerva looked at them both sharply. "I have told you before, this one," she indicated to Minerva. "Is an old soul. But to me, both of you are young," she chuckled. "Perhaps you can hold onto that, moving forward." Minerva opened and closed her mouth but could not seem to find the words. Lucia laughed softly. "Enjoy yourselves in this lull; I cannot see much." She placed her fingers over Hermione's lips before she could ask. "I have some gifts that Amalle does not, but I can see that you have a little time. Exploit it. Learn one another. Feel your magic for it is mighty - separately and together. Practice deciding not to feel," She smiled and patted Hermione's hand and held it out for Minerva. "Go. Be with one another."
Hermione blinked and came too, laying on the floor beside Minerva, who was sitting cross-legged, demurely on the rug.
"Are you alright?" Hermione asked groggily.
"Am I?" she chuckled as she stretched out her legs with a groan. "Are you?"
"Albus and I had a fight. I needed to talk to someone about how to make him tell the truth."
"A -"
"Well," Hermione huffed. "An argument."
"About what?" Minerva mused.
"Draco and Professor Snape. I told him I knew the Order was here too." Minerva groaned. "I had to. We need to know what they're to and The Order are making them nervous. I also asked him to help me take my N.E.W.T.s and graduate early as well."
"Hermione -"
"No," she sighed and rolled into Minerva to rest her head on Minerva's thigh. "That wasn't even the issue. That was easy - he said he would, by the end of the week."
"What?"
Minerva's whole body was on edge as Hermione looked up at her.
"He said that he loved you and anything he can do to help, he will do." She grinned. "He's going to graduate me with average marks at the end of the week."
"He said what?!"
"He said -"
"I heard you," Minerva nudged Hermione's shoulder. "Move."
Hermione sat up, affronted at the tone and watched as Minerva got to her feet and buttoned her top button back up.
"What are you doing?"
"I'm going to speak to him."
"What? Why?"
"He is not to do that."
"What?!" Hermione stood as well. "What do you mean, he's not to do that? I'm doing this for you! If I graduate, you don't have to worry anymore. There's nothing to -"
"I will not be responsible for you leaving school early with no qualifications."
"Minerva, that's not-"
"No, I'll no' be having it."
"Wait!"
Hermione grabbed Minerva's hand and stopped her from running out. The older woman threw off Hermione's hands and hissed at her.
"Dè tha thu a 'dèanamh, leig dhomh falbh!"
"Stop!"
Minerva did as a small roar filled in the depth of Hermione's voice and they breathed hard together as they stared.
"Stop," Hermione said again, gentler this time. "I think we need to discuss this. If you feel so strongly about this, and I have misjudged so severely, then, surely," she swallowed. "We need to figure this out here first?"
Minerva growled.
"Min, please listen to me?"
"Labhair," she hissed. "Speak."
"I," Hermione swallowed, all sorts of confused as she stared at Minerva. "Can we sit?"
Minerva seemed to realise she was standing, ready to go and nodded once, choosing to sit in her chair, rather than next to Hermione on the sofa.
"So," Hermione said quietly as she sat opposite. "I had mentioned it before. Graduating early. To you, and generally, because I thought one of the main reasons you had," she blushed. "I mean, that, that there was a problem," she hesitated. "Between us, I mean, was that I was still your student." Minerva did not answer so Hermione continued. "I had already mentioned it but not to Albus, so I asked and he agreed. He said he could graduate me with average marks but I did not -"
"You will not be graduating early with average," she spat the word. "Qualifications that do not match your intellect on my behalf, woman."
"Min -"
"Ye'll not be doing it."
"Stop," Hermione pleaded, her voice wobbling. "Please. I need -" She gripped her hair and pulled, tears gathering at the corners of her eyes as the evening took a turn where she had not intended. "I won't do it if you don't want me to," she almost sobbed. "I just thought that -" Minerva stared at her as she broke down. "Never mind, it doesn't matter."
"Hermione -"
Hermione got up to leave, but Minerva scrambled to her feet faster.
"Wait, Leannan, wait." Hermione did her best to push away from her but she also didn't want to hurt her. "Darling, stop."
Hermione did but she would not look at Minerva, not even when she touched Hermione's chin. She couldn't.
"Please darling, look at me. Let me," she breathed out shakily. "I need to explain."
"I just want us to be together," Hermione whispered and even to her, her voice sounded empty. "I want to stop feeling what you're feeling and I want to just -"
She threw off Minerva's hands to turn and run out of the door. Again, despite her strength, Minerva's arms were quicker. She wrapped them around Hermione's middle, picked her up and spun her back into the room.
"Wait, darling, just stay here. It's okay, love. It's okay."
Hermione gave up and collapsed to the floor, sobbing into her hands. She hadn't realised how much it had been weighing on her, having to prevent everyone's feelings from bombarding her constantly. And she hadn't really realised how badly it was hurting her to feel it when she couldn't.
Minerva sat on the floor with her and pulled her across her lap while she rocked Hermione over and over.
"I'm sorry, my darling. Tha mi cho duilich." Hermione couldn't speak. She didn't know what to do and when her tears dried up, she sat limply in Minerva's arms. "Darling?" Minerva said softly. "I'm sorry."
She sniffed but did not reply. She felt the regret and the underlying anger and she wanted not to. She did not want to deal with Albus, Draco, Snape or Harry Potter. She did not want to know that Minerva loved her somewhere, deep down, but also, did not want to love her.
"Hermione?"
"What," she said tiredly.
"I need to explain myself to you. I was -"
"You don't need to do anything," Hermione muttered. "It's fine."
"No, please, sweetheart."
"Just don't," Hermione sighed. She tried to push Minerva's hands off but every time she succeeded, Minerva simply adjusted her grip. "I know, okay?" She hissed, getting more annoyed. "I know everything." She laughed but it wasn't a happy sound. "You love me, I know you do. But I also know you don't want to."
"That's not it at all," Minerva pleaded. "It's not."
Hermione was so tired and so she sat, with Minerva's arms around her, and just stared at the floor.
"Leannan, look at me?"
"I don't know what you want from me, more than I give," Hermione whispered.
Minerva let her hands drop and Hermione shifted away. The stab of pain from Minerva stole her breath.
"Darling, no, I -"
"I don't want to know what you feel. I don't want to know that Albus is lying to me every time he opens his mouth. I don't want to know that Ron is so sensitive but he feels like he has to be this ridiculous character in order to compete with the twins, or that Ginny and Harry are so in love but so scared of what is to come. And they should be," she snorted. "They should be fucking terrified. Because our beacon for good is, at minimum, aiding the enemy and at worst actively working against us. And I'm supposed to be fighting it all and then as if that isn't bad enough - in between it all - is you."
Minerva made a noise and shifted closer again, but Hermione wasn't done.
"You are the love of my life. It's like there's a piece of my soul that lives in you and I only feel whole when you're here. But your pain is so great some days, I don't know what to do. And it's my fault. It's my fault that you are so torn and I hate it." She finally looked at Minerva with tears streaming down her face. "I hate being in love with you some days because all I want is for you to be happy. My entire being needs to make you happy." She stared and felt her heart stutter in her chest as she faced the truth. "And at times it seems as though you would be so much happier without me."
Minerva's hands were shaking when she cupped Hermione's chin and held her face.
"I want you to listen to me," Minerva said fiercely. She shuffled closer on her bottom until their knees were pressed together, right there beside Minerva's sofa. "I want you to hear me when I speak." Hermione shrugged and Minerva continued. "Hermione!" She almost shouted and made Hermione jump. "Listen to me. I want this with you." She paused but Hermione did not look up so Minerva made her. "I want this, with you."
"But -"
"I want to be with you, Hermione Granger. I do not understand it any more than I can tell you and I do not enjoy thoughts of what others might say but I do want it. I just cannot be all the things you want me to be," she paused and Hermione sighed. "Yet. You promised me," she ducked to meet Hermione's eyes. "Promised me, that you would be okay with that. I am working on it, Hermione, I really am." A tear rolled down her face. "Not everyone can be as brave as you in all their moments."
Something about that made Hermione pause and she frowned.
"I wanted to help."
"Nobody expects you to have all the answers, my darling. Nobody. And I do not want you to give up on your future in order to placate me sooner."
"But I want this too!" Hermione said, getting up and stamping her foot like a petulant child. "I want to be able to buy a house with you, out there. I want to be able to kiss you whenever I want." Minerva stared up at her but Hermione wasn't finished. Her voice shook as she spoke her last truth. "I want to be able to make love to you, to show you how much I love you, without you worrying that you are something that you are not." They both paused at that and Hermione took a deep breath and all the fight left her. "I want all that, Min. And I know I cannot while I am here." She chuckled sadly again. "Because you are so noble. Something I greatly admire in you that I really don't want to push against." She sighed. "I don't want to hurt you and yet, all I am doing is hurting you."
"O dè an gnothachm" Minerva groaned. Hermione made a face. "What a mess," Minerva translated as she stood. "Can we please start again?"
"I don't know if I can," Hermione whispered. "I was trying to -"
"Come," Minerva said softly. "Please? Just for a while."
She offered her hands to Hermione and Hermione took them with a huff and allowed Minera to pull her to the sofa where they sat together quietly for a while before Minerva shifted. In a move that was usually reserved for Hermione or Ginny, she pulled her knee up and sat facing Hermione, pressed against her thigh.
"Okay, I don't think either of us is in the right frame of mind to touch on the other issues right now," she said softly. "We will," she promised. "But for now, I would like you to try something. I want you to try to do as Lucia asked you to."
"Don't you think I -"
"Wait," Minerva pleaded. "Just listen. She was giving you instructions. I believe what she meant was that you simply have to think of it being 'off' as it were, for it to turn off. Mean it, in your head -" She traced Hermione's temple but Hermione didn't really want her to do that at that moment. She pulled away and instantly felt bad when she saw Minerva's face.
She sighed.
"I don't know what to do," she whispered.
"Will you let me help you?"
"I don't know," Hermione mumbled. "I don't know that I want to concentrate on what you're feeling, to be honest."
"I understand," Minerva whispered. "But will you please trust me? If you can master this, you won't have to."
Hermione finally looked at her sadly and Minerva's sadness peaked.
"Oh darling, please believe me when I tell you that I'm trying."
"I know," she sighed. "I know you are, which makes me feel twice as bad. I'm tired, Min. I'm so tired of everything. Everyone is lying to me and all I want is the one thing I can't have."
"I know you are tired, Leannan, but let us try."
"What does that mean?"
"Sweetheart," Minerva said easily, stroking Hermione's cheek. Hermione let her this time. "Mo leannan. My sweetheart."
Hermione felt everything, being so close and she just sobbed into her hands. Minerva didn't hesitate to hold her tightly, whispering soft words in as many languages as she knew into Hermione's ear.
"Close your eyes," Minerva whispered. "And decide that you just don't want to feel it anymore."
"But I do, I just -"
"It will come back."
"But we don't know that!"
"I do," Minerva said gently. "I do. I believe it and if need be, I will believe it enough for you."
"Min -"
"Please trust me," Minerva whispered. "If," her voice broke. "If you can no longer trust me in anything else, trust me in this."
"I trust you," Hermione sighed. "Please don't ever doubt that."
"Thank you, love," Minerva soothed. "Now, breathe."
Hermione's hands shook and she took another deep breath and closed her eyes.
"That's it, my darling," she whispered. She shifted behind Hermione's back and wrapped an arm around her and pressed against Hermione's chest. With her other, Hermione was pulled back against her own. "I want you to decide to simply not feel it."
"I don't -"
"Trust me," she whispered. "Breathe with me, like you did for me."
Hermione did, crying a little more when she remembered that moment.
"I'm with you," Minerva whispered again. "I want this."
Hermione sobbed again but caught her breath and did as she was asked.
"I don't want to lose it."
"You won't. Trust me," Minerva breathed. "Decide that you're done with it just for now. Let it go."
Hermione shuddered and let go of her breath and suddenly everything shifted.
She gasped as everything just disappeared.
"Oh," she blinked. "I -"
She burst back into tears and Minerva gathered her up.
"Did it work?"
"Yes," she cried. "Yes."
"Oh thank Merlin," Minerva sighed. "Good. I have you, Leannan. I have you."
Hermione sobbed and sobbed until she just could not stay awake any longer. She passed out in Minerva's arms, quite suddenly feeling so very alone.