.

Loyalty and Limerence

Part 1

Chapter 14

The Normandy SSV

They were dead.

She was dead.

It kept repeating itself in Garrus' head over and over. He'd lost friends in battle before, he must have forgotten how painful it was, how the pain shot through your chest and made it hard to breathe.

"Commander, I-" Joker started, cut off as Shepard leaned forward suddenly, his hand grabbing onto the back of Joker's chair. The Commander looked aimlessly at Joker's controls as if he were looking for something to tell him he was mistaken, despite knowing better. Shepard showed no sign of having heard the pilot, his gaze gaining a far away look as though he was looking through the controls at something none of the rest of them could see.

After a moment of silence, Shepard seemed to regain a sliver of himself, straightening back up and taking a ragged breath as he ran a hand over the top of his head.

"I'm going to need a moment. I'll be in my cabin. Joker, just-" He swallowed, his jaw getting tight as he looked up at nothing in particular. "Just get us out of here." Shepard turned to leave, and Garrus struggled to find his voice.

"Commander-" Shepard stopped and turned back to face him.

"Yes, Garrus?" Though his eyes softened a bit as they fell on him, the Commander's voice sounded so worn down and exhausted that Garrus faltered, unsure of what to say. What did one say in a situation like this? He couldn't even begin to understand how the man felt. Garrus had lost a friend, a good one, but Shepard had just lost his last remaining family.

"I-" Suddenly, there was a crackle as the com sprang to life, and the whole room froze.

"-Ttzzz-mandy, do you -ttzzzt - I repeat, Normandy, do you read? Damn it, the blast must have taken out our coms. This tin can is a piece of shit." The look of stunned disbelief that took over Shepard's face was, Garrus knew, reflected upon his own as they both turned to stare at Joker, who was fiddling with the communication controls. "Come in, Normandy. Please tell me you all made it out alive." Jane. Garrus felt like the metal bands tightening around his chest vanished the moment her voice graced his ears. Sweet, sweet air flooded into his lungs. Shepard's expression filled with wild, desperate hope.

"Holy shit! How are you still alive?!" Joker choked out, fighting a laugh of disbelief.

"Jane! Is that really you? Where are you?! We thought you were caught in the blast!" Shepard jerked forward on clearly unsteady legs, grabbing the pilot's seat again and leaning forward to see the communications display.

"Joh- Commander! Boy, am I happy to hear your voice. We're okay, I have Williams here with me. We're the only ones who made it out alive, but we're grounded. Going to need a pick up ASAP."

"Of course. Send us your location and hang tight. Sovereign is still in the area and we need to make sure we're off his scopes before we attempt reentry. How did you escape the blast?"

"That's fine. Sending our location now… I can tell you more about it when we see you, but we managed to hitch a ride on a shuttle and made it out by the skin of our teeth. But the shockwave took us out and we crashed a few klicks out of the blast radius."

"I'm happy to hear it. You are in so much trouble, Lieutenant, but I've never been happier to be pissed at you." Garrus felt himself smile, though perhaps not quite as widely as the smile that graced the Commander's face.

"With all due respect, Skipper, if you want to kick her ass, you'll have to go through me. I would be dead right now if not for her, I owe her my life."

"Ashley! Okay, okay, fine. I'll spare her, just this once, but only because I'm glad you're both still alive." As the conversation continued, Garrus felt almost giddy with relief and anticipation of seeing them alive and well. Once Sovereign and the remainder of the geth armada seemed to have left, Joker turned them around, heading back down toward the surface a ways out from the crater that had been Saren's base.

When they landed, Garrus, Shepard, some of the ground team, and even the surviving salarian team were down in the cargo bay waiting for the door to open. For that matter, there seemed to be a fair amount of other personnel around.

As they descended the ramp, Garrus could see the crumpled remains of a shuttle, clearly it had had a rough landing. His eyes immediately sought and finally landed on the disordered red hair and smudged cheeks of his friend, and he took a hitched breath as emotion welled up in his chest. Spirits, he was happy to see her alive. For a few agonizing minutes, he had had to think the worst.

Shepard paused for a moment at the bottom of the ramp, and Jane's expression was almost chagrined as she shrugged her shoulders slightly at him. He took off at a hurried trot, beelining straight for his sister, quickly wrapping his arms around her and pulling her close. Jane's arms came up around his waist, and they held onto each other for a moment before breaking away. Garrus joined them, followed by a few others.

"Don't ever scare me like that again, please." Shepard was saying as his hands came to rest on her shoulders, and she looked up at him in amusement.

"I can't make any promises, but I'll try. I told you I could save her."

"You were lucky, and we both know it."

"Yeah, perhaps. But I'm good at being lucky."

"Humph. Are you okay? Were you hurt at all?" He took half a step back, his eyes scanning her for any obvious injuries. She rolled a shoulder experimentally as she winced.

"Eh, nothing too bad. My bad shoulder is acting up a little like usual, but it's nothing out of the ordinary. I think Ashley is a little worse for wear." Jane turned to Ashley, who was a few steps behind her.

"I meant what I said, Skipper. I'm only alive because of her, she was able to carve an escape path for me." Ashley said as she limped closer, bumping a fist against Jane's shoulder in an affectionate manner. "Thanks, LT. I owe you one."

"I'm going to need to start a ledger!" Jane laughed as she rubbed her shoulder.

"Ha, screw that, how about I just buy you a drink next shore leave."

"Hm, maybe, except that I'm pretty sure my drinks will be covered." With that, Jane's green eyes finally met his, and Garrus felt his chest tighten all over again. Spirits, some professional he was, his emotions were all over the place. Coughing slightly, he took a moment to focus on keeping his subvocals as even as he could.

"I- uh, I'm happy you're both okay." He glanced away from those green orbs in embarrassment, the lameness of the statement causing his face to burn. What in the stars was wrong with him? Jane smiled and started toward the Normandy, slowing for a moment to knock her knuckles against his arm playfully, causing him to glance down at her. She pointed to her visor, a wide, cheshire cat grin splitting her face as her eyes crinkled. He didn't need to check the numbers to see how far ahead she was, he knew perfectly well what the numbers were at this point. He'd been glancing at the little initials JS in his own visor incessantly for at least the past hour.

When they were finally all aboard and leaving the spirits-forsaken planet, the shipboard time said it was early morning. They went about the normal post mission routine, getting changed, visiting the medbay to tend to injuries, and cleaning their equipment. Without surprise, the ground team all hit their bunks shortly after, all except Shepard. He had a tendency to get right to the paperwork in order to send off reports as quickly as he could. The man was a machine sometimes, Garrus didn't know how he managed it. By the time he fell into his own bunk, Garrus doubted he could have formed a full, coherent sentence, let alone a full report.

It was evening when most of them managed to pull themselves out of their bunks. As they sat around the mess, the remains of dinner littering the table before them, Garrus looked around at his crew mates with no small amount of wonder. It was a miracle they'd all made it off Virmire. Wrex was much the same as always, nothing seemed to shake the old man. But Liara, who had sustained a bad injury, was doing okay now. Of course it had been nothing Chakwas couldn't handle, but for a while there, Garrus had been worried. Thank the spirits that they had met back up with the Normandy when they had.

Sitting beside Liara was Tali, who still looked exhausted, even after sleeping. She had been one of those less battered by the ordeal, but she was also probably the youngest, and besides Liara, the least accustomed to battle. Kaidan and Ashley, both having sustained injuries were also looking better, the latter seeming to glow with the joy of having survived. He knew she was a religious person, and though he knew next to nothing about human religions, he did know they believed in miracles. Ashley seemed to be all smiles this evening, even toward the non-human crew members. While she had dropped the hostility towards them fairly early on, it had been clear that she was slow to trust. Perhaps her close call with death had inspired a little clarity?

His eyes landed on Jane, and he quickly looked away with confusion. He wasn't sure what was wrong with him, but it seemed like every time he looked at her it was like noticing he was standing on a ledge overlooking a pitfall. The bottom of his stomach seemed to give out, and something in his chest did a little summersault.

The evening was starting to get late, and he wasn't entirely sure what the plan was. Generally after missions, the ground team was given some time to recuperate before being expected to return to their usual duties. Even though he had just slept for most of the day, he honestly felt like he could sleep most of the night, too.

Suddenly, there was a woosh of an opening door, and after a moment, Shepard joined them from his cabin.

"Hey there everyone, how are you all feeling?" He asked as he walked up to the table, and Garrus noticed idly that he was toting two boxes with him. After hearing a few murmured responses, Shepard nodded as he swung the two boxes up onto the table before him. The room went silent with curiosity, waiting for him to explain. "I've got a little present for you all, in light of recent events. I picked these up on the Citadel last time we were there and have been saving them for when we 'survived something that should have killed us', and today seemed like the perfect occasion. I know it's a little against regulations, but oh well. What the brass doesn't know won't kill them." Without further ado, Shepard opened the first box and revealed a few packs of beer. After a moment of stunned silence, a cheer went up around the room. Not just the ground team, but the other crew members currently off duty were all murmuring happily.

"Oh man, Skipper, you're the best." Ashley beamed as she leaned forward and plucked the first can out of the box.

"Perhaps, but don't go overboard, guys." Glancing over at Garrus, Shepard smiled. "I got the dual charillity stuff, so it should be fine for both of you." He looked over at Tali, who perked up happily. "Okay guys, enjoy. We'll have a meeting tomorrow to go over what we know so far and plan our next step. I'm going to hit the sack, I'll see you in the morning."

"Wait, you're not joining us?" Kaidan asked, his head cocked to the side in concern.

"No, sorry guys. I'm absolutely exhausted, I need to hit the sack. But have a good time, you've earned it." With a small wave, the Commander turned and headed back toward his cabin. Quickly, cans were plucked from the box and passed around. Garrus quickly decided that while it was far from being the best beer he'd ever tasted, that was vastly overshadowed by the comradery of being able to share them all together.

It felt like it wasn't long before they were all starting to relax and the volume level in the room started going up. It wasn't exactly what one would call a party, still being a military ship and all, but it was definitely starting to turn into what Garrus would classify as a 'good time'. At some point, someone pulled out a pack of human cards, and a game started up amongst the empty cans now starting to dot the mess hall table.

Garrus, who didn't particularly understand or enjoy the game quite yet, decided to sit it out and watch from where he leaned against the wall nearby with his drink. Most of the ground team was playing, however, besides Wrex. Jane leaned back in her chair, her feet propped up on the table, her beer on the floor next to her where she could lean down and grab it. Her cards were splayed out in front of her as she glanced down at them, a small, confident smile on her lips. Garrus only just managed to tear his eyes away from that smile as someone's voice interrupted his thoughts.

"Hey guys, room for one more?" He looked around as cheers erupted as Joker ambled into the room.

"Hey, Joker! What are you doing down here?" Someone called out in greeting.

"Thought I'd come have a drink, Shepard sent me a message a little while ago and told me there was a little party going on." Space was made at the table, and he was dealt in just in time for the game to start. They played a few rounds, the drinks still flowing, and Garrus had to admit it was at least a fun game to watch. Or perhaps that was just the alcohol talking.

"Oh man, Joker, it's a good thing you don't usually make it to game night." Kaidan bemoaned as Joker scooped another round of winnings into his own pile with a smug smile. "What are you even going to do with all that? I never see you going out when we have shore leave."

"Ha! What, haven't you heard about his collection?" Ashley's eyebrows wiggled in a suggestive manner as she grinned at the Lieutenant who just looked back at her with blank confusion. This caused a few chuckles from the soldiers around them.

"Hey now, that is a jealously kept secret. Don't go blabbing all over the ship about it." Joker shot back without any real acid. Garrus wasn't sure what they were talking about, but he'd go as far to bet Joker was proud of this 'secret' of his, if his small, smug smile was anything to go off.

"Joker, I didn't know you were a collector. I'm surprised, I didn't realize that collecting tendencies were so common in humans. How big is your collection?" Liara asked innocently, causing Ashley to laugh.

"This little pervert here probably has the biggest collection of porn this side of the Terminus Systems. And it's pretty diverse from what you've said." Ashley glanced over at Joker, who just shrugged, his face still adorned with a smile.

"Hey, it's called 'Erotic Art', thank you, and I do what I can."

"Oh man, you have got to hook us up. Have you got any asari/human stuff?" Jenkins chirped as he wobbled a little in his seat. After a moment, he seemed to remember who he was sitting next to and guiltily looked over at Liara, who was looking at him with an unamused raised brow. "Um, sorry Dr. T'Soni…" He muttered, returning his eyes to his lap with shame, causing Wrex to chuckle and non-to-gently slap the back of his chair, causing the corporal to jump. Liara just rolled her eyes before returning her focus to her cards.

"Human, asari, salarian, krogan, I got it all. Turian, quarian, elcor, drell, volus, batarian, vorcha, even hanar." Garrus couldn't help his jaw dropping a little as the pilot nonchalantly detailed out his collection of porn. "And I have all the couplings, even the rarer ones. Salarian/krogan is probably one of the least common ones, the asari seem to be up for anything and anyone, and honestly I don't think anyone enjoys batarian or vorcha stuff. But I even have quarian/volus, krogan/elcor, human/turian-"

"Wait, what? Human and turian? No way!" Ashley nearly spit out her drink and stared at Joker in disbelief.

"What?"

"Well, I mean, isn't that kind of ridiculous? Are humans and turians even, you know, compatible like that?" Ashley asked, her voice incredulous. Someone snorted loudly in derision, and everyone turned to look at Jane, who had been silent for a while until then. She smiled as she took a sip of her beer.

"Of course we're compatible." The casual confidence in Jane's voice caused more than one set of eyebrows to lift. "What? I mean, Jesus, we're human. We'll fuck anything with a hole or a shaft." This caused a few chuckles, but Joker sat forward, his smile slightly wider now.

"Now, now, Lieutenant. You sound more than a little infomed on the topic. Why would that be?" Jane paused and took another sip before responding. Garrus found himself listening closely, suddenly intensely interested in the conversation, despite himself. He had never considered humans that way before, but surely some turians had, right?

"Didn't Fornax do a First Contact issue? You yourself said that your collection covers that topic."

"Ah, yes, but we all know how fake Fornax is, super over acted." Joker scoffed off her answer, followed by a quiet "Oh man, really?" from a disappointed Jenkins, along with a few chuckles. "No, no. Call it a hunch, but something tells me you have some first hand knowledge here." The room was silent now, all eyes on Jane, who was silently staring Joker down, her face impassive. "Come on, Shepard, no point pretending to be a girl scout, out with it." After another moment, Jane sighed and tipped back the rest of her drink before setting the empty can on the table.

"Fine, since you asked so nicely. A few years ago, Anderson recommended me for a training and observation program on Palaven." Garrus froze, his eyes going wide. Jane had trained on Palaven? That explained a lot, she had a strange amount of knowledge about turians and their culture for a human. "He said it was one of the best experiences of his career and couldn't recommend it highly enough. I ended up spending a couple of weeks training there, followed by a couple of weeks serving with a turian squad mopping up slavers in some outlying systems. It was rough going, high tension, very stressful. Alliance ships, you know how it is, we have pretty strong regulations against fraternization. But turian ships are a little more lax in that regard, and I think there's a fairly universal cure for stress and tension…" She trailed off, a lazy smile and tilt to her head as she shrugged before crossing her arms, still leaning back in her chair. Garrus felt his breath hitch, his eyes glued to the human woman, his closest friend. She'd been with a turian before? That was something actual humans and actual turians could do, did do? He finally glanced away, his head spinning with thoughts he'd never entertained before.

"Oh my God, LT. You're not serious. Oh my God, you are." Ashley gasped, followed by laughter, hoots, and cat calls from some of the crew members. Kaidan looked distinctly uncomfortable as he looked down at his cards, a hand coming up to rub the back of his neck. Liara looked surprised, her eyebrows reaching upwards as her face flushed slightly. Wrex just laughed before elbowing Garrus roughly. Garrus glared at him without any heat, still somewhat preoccupied. Joker looked amazed for a moment before his grin reappeared, now looking like the cat who caught the… some sort of bird. Damn human idioms.

"Well, well, that was more than I suspected. You're full of surprises, Shepard."

"Wow, so, are you and that turian still together? Do you love him? … Or her?" Tali asked with a breathy sigh as she clasped her hands to her chest, causing Jane to bark a laugh in surprised amusement.

"Love? Oh jeez, no. It was just a little fun, a way to let off steam. I don't know if I even remember his name."

"Oh." Tail deflated as she leaned back in her chair, clearly disappointed. Garrus, personally, felt a wave of relief. He had to get himself under control.

"I didn't realize you swung that way." Kaidan said offhandedly after a moment, but Garrus could tell that the words had been kept forcibly neutral. Was Kaidan unhappy to hear about Jane's exploits? Suddenly, Garrus felt a hot, sharp prick of… jealousy? Spirits, he was absolutely losing his mind. But then he was thinking about her small, soft human body in the arms of some nameless, faceless turian and the feeling welled up in his chest again, and it became impossible to misunderstand.

Regardless, he did his best to squish the fiery, undesired feeling back down into the box it had popped out of, somewhat unsuccessfully. He was simply unhappy because he felt overprotective of her, she was his friend after all. He didn't want her getting hurt, right?

"I don't swing in any direction, Lieutenant. I like having a good time, I don't really care about the details." Jane shot back at Kaidan with narrowed eyes, and he looked away, unsure.

"Does the Commander know about your interesting conquests?" Joker asked, leaning back. The card game had slowed down to a crawl by this point, nearly forgotten.

"Uh, no. My brother and I keep our noses out of each other's private affairs. We ask no questions, and get no uncomfortable answers."

"So you wouldn't know about his, uh, preferences. Or anything." Liara asked, her face flushing as she looked away in embarrassment. Jane laughed before smiling at the asari in sympathy.

"No, not really, sorry."

"Okay, but, seriously, did that turian actually find you attractive? No offense, LT, but I feel like they probably have different standards of beauty, right?" Ashley probed, her eyes flicking to Garrus, who found himself suddenly the very unwilling target of public inquiry. Quickly, he shrugged noncommittally, which seemed to placate the onlookers.

"Well, I didn't get any complaints. Sure, we're physically pretty different, but like I said, there wasn't any issue." Jane said as she leaned forward to pluck a card from the deck. She looked down at her cards, picked one out, and flung it down onto the table, ending her turn.

Garrus looked down at the pale skinned, slim but solidly built woman sitting before him. He'd known he was interested in her features before, but now he wondered if he'd been completely blind for the past weeks. Had it been more than idle interest? Was he attracted to Jane Shepard? This human? Okay, he knew he was mildly obsessed with her hair, but had it grown into something more?

How long had it been since she'd begun making his heart beat a fraction faster the moment she entered the room? Since hearing her voice made his stomach drop through his feet? Since brushing up against her made his skin tingle?

"Okay, okay, but was it actually any good? Just being compatible is one thing, but being enjoyable? That's something different altogether." Ashley declared, her skepticism clear. Jane paused for a moment, before her sly smile returned.

"At first, it was definitely a little awkward, but once we figured it out… I'm not going to say that he ruined human men for me, but damn. Ten out of ten, would recommend." Her nonchalant response was met with another round of hoots and catcalls from the crewmates standing around the table. Garrus felt all the pieces fall into place as all of sudden he was picturing himself as the turian holding her close. Her arms wrapping around his waist as he pulls her close, his fingers coming up to run through her hair as he leans down to breathe her in. She whispers something in his ear with her low voice and he lifts his head, their eyes meeting as both lean in closer-

Wrex's elbow jamming into his side brought reality slamming back into Garrus, and he looked around to realize that the party was coming to an end. The cards were being gathered up, the empty cans being returned to the now empty boxes. Garrus took a moment to calm his breathing and heart before moving to help with clean up. Bending down, he reached for a can that was discarded under the table only to bump hands with someone else reaching for it. Looking up, his blue eyes locked squarely with a pair of bright green ones. He felt his heart jump into his throat and his face flush hot as he ripped his hand away as though burned.

"I got this one, but thanks, Garrus." Jane offered with a smile, grabbing the can before withdrawing from under the table. Just the sound of his name on her lips was enough to send a shiver down his spine.

Shit, he was absolutely infatuated, wasn't he? How had this so completely taken him by surprise? Getting back to his feet, he looked up to see Liara glance at him with a quick, knowing smile, and he felt himself die a little with mortification.

As the room slowly drained, Garrus decided that a strategic retreat was in order, and started making his way to the bunks. But not before he was, once again, physically assaulted in the hall by the ship's resident krogan with a slap on the back. With a very put-upon sigh, Garrus turned to face him with a deadpan stare.

"Yes, Wrex?" He hoped that the monotone to his voice got the point across, but Wrex's grin didn't slip an inch.

"I can't say much for her taste, but I guess she's not as far out of your league as I thought." Garrus felt his eye twitch, and sighed in exhausted resignation as he turned to walk through the door to the barracks.

"Good night, Wrex." The krogan's laughter chased after him as the door closed.