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Loyalty and Limerence

Part 1

Chapter 17

The SSV Normandy

The moment the airlock closed, Garrus could feel the soft jerk underfoot as the Normandy detached from the dock and pulled away. After a few moments, the airlock door opened, and Jane strode out, a self satisfied smirk on her face as she turned to face them. As soon as her eyes landed on the Commander, her smile widened as she placed one hand on her hip and she held the other out expectantly.

"8 minutes, 47 seconds. Gimme my chocolate." She demanded, and Shepard laughed as he crossed his arms, shifting his weight to the side with a lift of one eyebrow.

"Well done, Jane. It's down in my quarters, come on." He started toward the CIC before turning back to the pilot. "Joker, set a course for Ilos, double time. We have a lot of time to make up."

"Aye, aye, Commander." Garrus watched as the two Shepards made their way toward the crew deck before turning back to watch through the windows as the Citadel wards rushed past them. As the station disappeared behind them, he finally turned to leave. He opened his mouth to offer a farewell to Joker, but was interrupted.

"It's weird, isn't it? Here we are, rushing headlong into the unknown. It feels… I don't know, like a climax of sorts. We've been building up to this for so long." Garrus watched the pilot for a moment as his hands flitted over the controls. He felt a small smile creep onto his face.

"Are you feeling nervous, Joker?"

"What, me? No. Of course not. But I can see why people might be." Joker replied too quickly, his eyes flicking to Garrus quickly before returning to his screens. "I'll tell you one thing, though. I'm betting you'll see more than a few broken regulations in the next few days. Nothing makes a man brave quite like numbered days." Garrus chuckled as he bid Joker farewell and made his own way down to the crew decks.

But in the days to come, Joker's words lingered in the back of his mind. The Normandy was eerily quiet as they made their way toward the Mu Relay, people seemed to speak in hushed voices as if they were nervous to disturb the calm before the storm. Garrus noticed more than one off duty crewman with a bottle of something they shouldn't have aboard, as well as couples sneaking off to quiet corners to catch a few moments of privacy while they could. It was as if people were trying to take advantage of the time before they flung themselves into the unknown, just as Joker had said.

And Garrus couldn't blame them. Every time he saw Jane, all his weird, unnamed feelings that he'd been harboring seemed to itch beneath his skin, yearning to crawl out and breathe the light of day. To be seen, to be known. To be acknowledged.

He wanted to hold her close, he wanted to lose himself in her eyes, he wanted to run his fingers through her hair, he wanted to hear her voice whispered in his ears, he wanted to press his forehead to hers and feel the warmth of her skin against his. The closer they got to the relay, the more insistent the desires got, the more they demanded to be known, the more they screamed to be reciprocated. He tried sating them the best he could by spending as much of his time with her as he could, but more and more, he needed her to know.

He needed to know if he… If they… If anything could come of these feelings.

Which was how he found himself laying in his bunk a few hours prior to their arrival at the Mu Relay, seriously considering just… telling her. Like Joker had originally suggested. Was he crazy to consider it? Probably, but it seemed like the entire ship was filled with a low key frantic energy and Garrus was not immune.

He stood up, took a deep breath, and nodded his head. What was the worst that could happen? Maybe she wouldn't be interested, but she wasn't the sort of person to be rude about it. Possibly she'd be interested in at least a night spent together, as he knew she wasn't opposed to sleeping with a turian, after all. And maybe that would get whatever this was out of his system. But at best? Just maybe… Just maybe there could be something between them. He still wasn't entirely sure what he even wanted. But perhaps they could figure it out together.

Taking another breath, he left the barracks in search of her. The crew deck was quiet except for the hint of low voices in the mess, and if he wasn't mistaken, the one voice he sought was amongst them. As he rounded the corner, though, he froze.

Standing near the lockers, the only ones in the room, were Jane and Kaidan. Kaidan took a step closer to her as Garrus watched, his small smile tender as he took her hand. Garrus felt his blood run cold as he watched the two of them standing there, together.

"It's just… You plan a career, you focus, and then suddenly, the world might be about to end, and it's too late to… find someone." Kaidan murmured as he looked down at her, his eyes crinkling.

"I- What are you getting at, Kaidan?" Jane breathed, her face turned so that Garrus couldn't make out her expression. Kaidan sighed before continuing.

"What I'm saying is that… I have feelings for you, Jane. I have for a while now." The room was silent except for the ringing in Garrus' ears as the words hit him like a punch to the face. "I want to understand what this is between us… and make it real."

Kaidan and Jane stood there, unmoving, and Garrus stepped back behind the corner slowly, leaning back against the wall. A vice was seizing around his chest and his heart seemed to be sitting somewhere in his throat. How had he never noticed something between the two of them? How had he been so blind? Had he only seen what he'd wanted to see? Had he been so fixated, so obsessed with Jane that he never stopped to actually notice her relationships with other people on the ship? The silence ground on, echoing down the halls, and Garrus slowly died of mortification. He didn't want to hear any more, he should just leave, he should just-

"I'm sorry, Kaidan. But I think we should just keep it professional." Jane's quiet reply came, and Garrus' eyes snapped open. Slowly, he pushed off from the wall and glanced back into the mess hall to see that Jane had pulled her hand away from Kaidan's grasp and had taken a step back. The silence that followed was awkward as Kaidan looked down and shut his eyes, a pained expression on his face.

"Right. Hm. Well, not the answer I was hoping for."

"Everythings just… Complicated." She sighed before continuing, "I know everyone is throwing caution to the wind right now, but that's not what I'm looking for right now, nor am I looking for an actual relationship-"

"No, no, I understand. It's okay." Kaidan interrupted as he took a step back, lifting a hand to rub at the back of his neck. "Look, thanks for hearing me out. I'm going to get going, I've got work to catch up on. You know how it is, mission reports and… what not." Slowly, he turned and headed toward the other stairwell toward the CIC, and Garrus felt the breath he'd been holding escape in a long sigh. The tension drained out of him like a sudden gust of wind, both the new dread and the fervor he'd felt earlier, leaving him feeling weirdly empty.

With a final glance back at Jane, who hadn't moved from her spot by the lockers, Garrus let himself savor the flutter in his chest that he always felt as his eyes lingered on her. Then he turned and left back toward the barracks with the new taste of bittersweetness on his tongue. He'd worked up the courage to tell him how he felt about her, only to learn she wasn't looking for that in her life right now. But at least, he supposed, he wasn't going to have to feign happiness at the sight of her in another person's arms.

In retrospect, he was happy he'd walked in on that conversation. So fixated on his own feelings, he hadn't really stopped to think about what she wanted, not really. But now he knew, and he could respect that. If she wasn't looking for a relationship, he wasn't about to burden her with his feelings and desires.

Laying down in his bunk again, he determined to put the matter from his head and try to rest. They were going to arrive in a matter of hours, and he needed to be ready for whatever they found. As his eyes finally started to drift shut, he wondered idly if the older Shepard was also having to fight off amorous advances.

It felt like his eyes had only just shut when his alarm went off, and Garrus dragged himself out of his bunk with eyelids that felt like lead. When he was dressed in his armor and ready to go, he made it down the cargo bay to find only half the team assembled thus far. As even Shepard was missing yet, Garrus took his time as he pulled open his weapon locker and started preparing.

After a moment, he let his eyes wander, and within seconds they had landed on the figure with vibrant red hair checking the sights of her sniper rifle nearby. He felt a small smile flit across his face as he sighed before returning to checking the heat sink in his own weapon. When he looked up again, he found Jane glancing back at him. He swallowed and stood a little taller as she turned and made her way toward him, holstering her gun.

"Feeling ready?" She asked, her offhanded and relaxed tone of voice at odds with the steely glint in her eyes.

"Ready as I'll ever be." Garrus replied with a lopsided grin and a nervous flick of his mandibles. She chuckled as she reached out to give his shoulder a friendly punch before turning back to her locker to pull out her visor. As she affixed it to her face, he didn't even need to check the numbers to know she was still ahead in their little competition. She always was. She probably always would be.

Garrus continued to ready and holster his weapons, all the while watching her out of the corner of his eye. It was impossible to ignore her, it was like his whole body was attuned to her every movement. He was beginning to believe it might be dangerous to go into battle so distracted. Giving a shake of his head, he attempted to dislodge her from his brain, but all he managed to do was land his eyes on the one other person in the room who seemed preoccupied with her.

Kaidan's attempts to not look at Jane seemed to scream his discomfort across the room. Garrus thought it was a wonder that it wasn't more apparent to everyone else around them, but then again, they hadn't accidentally witnessed the events of a few hours ago. With sudden realization, Garrus' brown plates rose as he wondered if this was the reason why the Alliance had regulations against fraternization. Both he and Kaidan were all out of sorts just because of a woman. Interesting that he'd never had issues like this while serving on a turian vessel. Maybe it was a human thing and he was picking up bad habits after all.

"Have any fun last night?" Jane asked absently as her eyes began scrolling through the data only she could see through her visor. Garrus tried hard not to think about how he'd spent his time.

"Not particularly." He muttered, hoping she'd be fine with him leaving it at that.

"Probably for the best." She looked up, and after a beat, she grinned. "I saw Liara sneaking into the Commander's quarters last night." Garrus' eyes widened in bemused surprise, and he was about to ask more about it when she continued. "She didn't stay long though, I think she was shot down." Jane seemed to sober at that, her face thoughtful as, if he wasn't mistaken, her eyes flicked to Kaidan quickly before returning to him. "Things get complicated when feelings get involved, the Commander knows that. I'm sure he was gentle about it." Garrus nodded slowly and the conversation lapsed soon afterwards. Jane shot him one last parting smile before turning to ask Wrex something.

Garrus finished with his weapons and let his eyes fall upon her again as she chatted animatedly with the krogan. He'd loved having her in his life the past few months, she'd been an amazing friend. One couldn't ask for a better one, fierce and loyal and protective. He didn't want to lose that, not for anything, not even for the chance at something more. He could put his feelings aside and just appreciate that which he already had if it meant respecting her wishes. Nodding to himself, he took a deep breath and felt his mandibles flutter against his face. After a few minutes, he felt better centered and focused on the mission at hand.

Suddenly, the elevator door opened and Shepard strode out like a man on a mission. Which, Garrus supposed, he was.

"Okay, everyone. Suit up and find your seats, we're heading planetside in 5. This is it."