.

Loyalty and Limerence

Part 1

Chapter 20

The Citadel

The aftermath following Saren and Sovereign's defeat rushed by in a blur for Garrus. The first few hours following their rescue were chaos between the hospital stay and the hustle bustle of getting the clean up efforts started. For the most part, the ground team stuck together and were generally left alone. Shepard seemed to be perpetually called upon, first by the Council as they asked for input and advice, then by the Alliance to complete reports and answer questions, and then by reporters and the media scurrying about and begging for interviews. But the Commander did his best to shield the rest of them, and for that Garrus was grateful.

They were eventually able to return to the Normandy, which had docked for repairs after the battle, as soon as they were cleared to leave the hospital. But the looming, unasked question followed them through the halls as they tried to figure out their new normal: What now?

It quickly became apparent that the Alliance crew members were going to be staying on under Shepard, who was using his sway with the Council to push the topic of the Reapers. He was insisting that they investigate the topic further, but with mixed results. Only time would tell what his success would be, but until that point, he was determined to be the proverbial squeaky wheel.

The first of the non-Alliance crew members to leave was Wrex. About three days after the battle, Garrus stepped out of the elevator into the cargo hold to see him emptying his locker.

"Going somewhere, Wrex?" He asked as he took a detour toward the older krogan.

"It's about time I got off this bucket o' bolts. Got places to be, people to shoot." Wrex huffed before chuckling, slamming his locker shut with a bang.

"Where will you head now?" Garrus was amused to realize that he'd actually miss the old man, as much as they butted heads. Wrex had opened his eyes and taught him a lot about the krogan, things that he'd never learned even during his years with C-Sec. They'd grown to respect each other, somehow, and he'd even go as far as to call the other man a friend.

"Honestly? I might head back home to Tuchanka, for a little while at least." Wrex said with more than a little chagrin on his face. Garrus felt his brow plates jump in surprise.

"Really? I didn't expect to hear that from you after all your stories."

"I know, I know. But Shepard had me talking about home and it got me thinking. I don't know, maybe I'm crazy. But he put some ideas in my head and now I just can't shake them." Wrex rolled his eyes, seemingly annoyed at the situation he found himself in. Garrus laughed and crossed his arms, a wry smile on his face.

"I know what you mean. Shepard has a funny way of turning your world view on its head."

"You can say that again." Wrex finished packing his bag and hefted it on his shoulder before turning to face Garrus. "Hmmph. Well, Vakarian, this is it." To Garrus' surprise, the krogan held out a hand. "It's been interesting. Never thought I'd say this to a turian, but you're not too bad, kid." Laughing, Garrus took the offered hand in a firm handshake.

"Right back at you, old man."

"Heh, you might actually make something of yourself one day, if you don't get yourself killed first." They let go of each other's hands and Wrex took a moment to shift his shoulders, drawing himself up to his full height. "Well, don't do anything I wouldn't do. Or anything I would do, for that matter, ha! So long, Vakarian."

"Take care, Wrex." With that, the krogan turned and made for the elevator, leaving Garrus to get to work. The newly acquired replacement for the wrecked Mako was still sorely in need of calibrations before it would be suited for use during a mission, so he didn't lack things to do.

The next to leave was Liara, which surprised Garrus a little, given her more than obvious feelings for Shepard. He nearly ran into her leaving the med bay, her bags packed and her eyes shimmering with unshed tears.

"Ah, sorry Liara, I didn't mean to… Are you okay? Have you been crying?" He backed up slightly to give her space as he slung his towel over his neck. He shifted a bit awkwardly, not entirely sure how to handle the situation.

"Oh, Garrus, no, I'm fine. Sorry, I didn't mean to worry you. I'm just getting packed up and ready to leave."

"Ah yeah, Shepard mentioned that you were going to be leaving soon. Where will you be heading to? Back to your research?"

"I might, eventually, but first I have to wrap up everything with my mother."

"Oh, right. Sorry, I had almost forgotten about that."

"Her body is being held in storage on Noveria, and I need to go retrieve her and bring her back to Thessia. She deserves a proper ceremony, even after everything that happened."

"Yes, yes of course. Once again, I'm so sorry for your loss."

"Thank you." There was an awkward pause for a moment, and Garrus struggled to find the right words.

"Well, we'll miss you, Liara. It was an honor getting to fight alongside you." He held out his hand, which she took with her slimmer one.

"You as well, Garrus. Thank you for everything, you've been a good friend." She smiled up at him, her eyes shimmering again. She quickly wiped her eyes. "I'm sorry, I'm not very good at goodbyes." Garrus smiled down at her, reaching a hand up to rub at the back of his neck.

"It's not really goodbye, not for good. I'm sure we'll see eachother again in the near future. After everything… The Normandy… We're family, after all."

"Yes. Family. You are right." She smiled brightly before leaning down to pick up her bag again. "Well, I'll see you again soon, then, Garrus."

"See you later, T'Soni."

Tali seemed to linger a little bit longer, and it wasn't until a week after the attack that she started to get antsy. Garrus stumbled upon her pacing in the barracks one morning, her bag half packed and her belongings strewn about. She seemed to be muttering to herself, clearly agitated.

"Everything okay?" He asked after a moment, causing her to startle and jump to face him.

"Keehla, Garrus, you scared me!"

"Sorry, didn't realize you hadn't heard the door open." She sighed and ran a hand over her helmet.

"It's fine, I was just…" She trailed off, turning to look at the mess on her bunk.

"Packing?" Garrus supplied with a shrug of his shoulders, thinking the answer to be somewhat obvious.

"Yes, no, I don't know. I'm not sure." Her voice was soft, her confusion obvious.

"Well, either you are, or you aren't."

"I mean, I suppose I am. I just…"

"Don't want to leave yet?" Tali didn't reply, but she didn't need to. He'd seen the way she acted around Shepard. While not as obvious as Liara, her feelings were readily apparent. "Don't you need to complete your Pilgrimage?" Garrus could see her bright eyes behind her face screen as they shut for a moment and she turned away again.

"Yes. Thanks to Shepard, I have everything I need, more than enough."

"Then what's stopping you?"

"It's just hard, you know? Living here, serving on the Normandy, it's been an amazing experience, it's an amazing ship, an amazing crew. I know I have to return to my people, they need me. But-" Tali cut off suddenly, turning back to him as she hugged herself.

"I know. I know what you mean. I think we all feel that way, somewhat."

"It's so hard to leave. Being here, everything we've gone through together. It's changed my life. I don't know how to go back to being who I was before all of this." She sounded so young, all of a sudden, and Garrus reminded himself that she was young. Only barely an adult by her people's standards.

"I don't think you can. We've all grown, changed. But that's a good thing. You can bring back not only the geth information we gathered, but all of your experiences. To help your people." Tali stared at him for a moment before taking a deep breath, her shoulders loosening slightly. Without warning, she closed the few steps between them and threw her arms around him in a hug. He stood there awkwardly for a moment before returning her hug with a quick pat on the back.

"Thank you Garrus, you're a good friend. I'll miss you, I'll miss everyone here. I don't know how to thank you all."

"We'll all miss you, too, Tali. Take care of yourself out there."

"You, too." She sighed before stepping back, readjusting the fabric covering her helmet. She went back to her bunk and started packing again, this time with more certainty. Garrus made his way over to his belongings, pulling out a change of clothing. After a few moments, she broke the silence with a question he had been trying to avoid asking himself the past few days.

"So, what are you planning to do now, Garrus?"

Garrus soon found himself to be the only non-human member of the Normandy's crew, and while he felt comfortable around the rest of the crew, it was still a little disconcerting. He knew he had to make some sort of decision. Weeks ago, long before Ilos, he'd had a conversation with Shepard during which he'd thought he'd decided to return to his job at C-Sec after Saren was taken down. He had a message sitting in his inbox at that moment from his father which he knew was about just that, and yet something was causing him to drag his feet, staying his hand.

"Sleeping on the job, Big Guy?" Garrus felt his back snap a little straighter at the sound of the voice behind him, jumping slightly. He turned from where he stood at the Mako's station to see Jane heading his way. He flashed her a smile in an attempt to cover how his nerves tingled at the sight of her.

"It's nothing, just thinking."

"Don't strain yourself." Jane smirked at him, eliciting a chuckle from him as she took up her usual position on a crate nearby, leaning back and making herself comfortable. "What's on your mind?"

"Just thinking about my options now that this is all over." They were both silent for a moment, the smile melting off her face.

"Well, what do you want?"

"I-" He paused, turning to look at her, letting himself drink in the sight of her for a moment. You, his mind screamed, but the word shriveled up on his tongue. He winced, turning away. Coward. "I don't know. I know my dad wants me to go back to C-Sec, get a proper job again. I'd told Shepard that I'd been planning on doing that, too."

"You don't sound so sure now."

"Yeah, I don't know." He knew, deep down, what, or rather who, was causing his change of heart. The thought of saying goodbye to her, of leaving everything unsaid, of not getting to see her everyday-

"Well, I just got word from the Commander, we're shipping out in three days." Garrus froze, his back tensing as ice dropped into his belly.

"Oh?" He tried his best to sound mildly interested, to hide the dread that was sinking deep into his plates. Three days. He was going to have to say goodbye in three days.

"Yeah, we're being sent out to mop up some geth forces holding out in a few different systems." Garrus' surprise must have shone on his face because the corner of Jane's mouth turned down as she rolled her eyes. "Yeah, I know. I said the same thing, but the Commander says we need to play nice with the higher ups until he can get them to see sense regarding the Reapers. Baby steps." She sighed, and Garrus marveled as the stray locks of red hair dangling in front of her face fluttered with her breath. Even the minute things about her never failed to amaze him, even at the most inopportune moments. His eyes wandered for a moment to the quickly fading scar on her temple, the last reminder of their recent battle, just barely visible now.

"If he says so." Garrus managed to pick up the pieces of his attention and get back to the conversation at hand.

"Well, I was thinking…" She trailed off for a moment, looking away with an odd expression on her face. It was almost unsure, though Garrus couldn't think of a single time in which Jane Shepard had ever seemed unsure. When she looked back at him, her eyes had an intensity to them that made him shiver. "You could come with us." The silence hung thick in the air between them, and for a moment, nothing else seemed to exist in the galaxy for Garrus except the two of them. She held his eyes with hers and he couldn't have pulled away if he'd wanted to. After a moment, he felt himself smile as warmth spread through his chest and up his neck. It felt something akin to… hope.

"How could I say no to a request like that?" Her answering grin did nothing to help the fluttering in his chest or the tightening in his abdomen.

Garrus didn't really have a word that accurately described the past few weeks. Shepard had been confused but pleased to keep Garrus aboard for the time being, happy to have his help, or at least his company, for their somewhat low key geth mop up missions. They'd left the Citadel once the Normandy's repairs were complete, and Garrus' message from his father remained untouched in his inbox.

The tension and anxiety that dogged them during their hunt for Saren was gone, leaving them with the almost carefree sensation of being on vacation. And yet, the looming threat of the Reapers on the horizon made their small, low risk missions seem pointless and hollow, leaving many of the crew feeling antsy nonetheless

Nearly a month after the battle at the Citadel found them entering orbit around the planet of Alchera. They'd been searching the surrounding sector for nearly a week without any luck, even though a number of ships had recently disappeared in the area. Regardless of the frustration radiating through the Normandy, Shepard had ordered the ground team to suit up in hopes that they would finally find something, anything.

Garrus stood before his locker in the cargo bay, lost in thought as he pulled out, checked, and holstered his weapons one by one on auto pilot. His eyes kept flicking over to watch as Jane did the same beside him, their silence a companionable one as their bodies relied on muscle memory to complete the familiar movements. The further away they got from the events with Saren on the Citadel, the more his mind kept returning to his feelings for Jane. Or rather, to what he should do about them.

Before Ilos, he'd heard Jane tell Kaidan that she hadn't been interested in a relationship, that it hadn't been a good time. But now that that was all over, had the situation changed? He still wasn't terribly good at reading humans, it was possible he'd missed something, some sort of signal or tell. Could she possibly have any interest in there being… something between them now?

Garrus didn't generally consider himself a coward, and yet when it came to Jane, he seemed completely unable to come to the point. In a way, he almost missed the days when he saw her as nothing more than a friend, it had been so much more simple then. But now, if he wasn't forcing himself to focus, he ended up stuck in the middle of day dream about her, about being with her. It felt like his mind was no longer his own, his heart was no longer his own. The more time he spent in her orbit, the more they belonged to her.

A locker door shut suddenly, causing him to look up, and their eyes met. Jane had so many different smiles. Sarcastic ones, smug ones, mocking ones, kind ones. But the warmth of the one that graced her face as she looked up at him made his pulse quicken and his mouth run dry.

"Jane…" Her name was out of his mouth before he knew what was happening, but he couldn't rip his eyes away from hers.

"Hm?" She cocked her head to the side slightly, and Garrus tried to swallow down the lump forming in his throat. Feeling a sudden burst of courage, he decided just to do it. To put himself out there. What was the worst that could happen?

"Jane, I-"

The world exploded, flinging them both to the floor in a heap. His head swimming, Garrus struggled back to his feet as the alarm sounded, echoing around the cargo bay.

"What was that?" Jane asked, her voice tight as she pulled herself up.

"I don't know." Another smaller explosion shook them, causing them to grab the lockers for support. "Are we under attack?!"

"I don't know, we need to get up to the CIC!" Jane yelled as the Normandy groaned under the strain of the beating it was receiving. Grabbing their helmets, they ran for the elevator only to be sent sprawling to the floor again as a third explosion shook the ship. Just ahead of him Jane collided with a cargo crate with a sickening crack, followed by a string of curses, some of which didn't even make it through his translator.

"Jane, are you okay?!" Garrus called out as he hurried over to her, wincing as she grabbed her arm where she lay, her eyes squeezed shut and her teeth bared in a snarl of pain. He managed to roll her off her injured arm and she flung her head back with another batch of curses before she forced herself to take a series of deep breaths. Looking down at her arm, even with her armor, it seemed to hang wrong, and he immediately recognized a bad break.

"We've-" She gasped in pain as she slowly attempted to sit up, "We've got to get to the elevator." Garrus nodded, grabbing her under her good arm and pulling her to her feet. Slinging that arm over his shoulder as best he could given their height difference, he hauled her into the elevator. Pushing the button, he braced them against the wall just in time for another series of explosions. Jane was breathing hard, her face pale and sweat breaking out on her forehead. Her eyes were bright and determined, however, as she fought the pain.

As soon as the door opened, they were thrust into chaos as crew members ran past, screams echoing down the hall. Garrus pulled Jane out of the elevator and they were nearly bowled over by Ashley as she ran past without a word, fire extinguisher in hand. The alarm continued to sound, debris from the explosions littering the floor. The ship shook, this time without an accompanying explosion, and Garrus knew that one of the life pods must have just detached.

"Garrus!" He turned to see Shepard running towards them and felt a wave of relief. "Oh God, Jane, are you alright?!" Kaidan came hurtling up behind Shepard, skidding to a stop just beside him, a fire extinguisher also clutched in his hands.

"I'm fine." Jane managed to get out, attempting to pull her arm back off of Garrus and wincing as she clutched her injured arm to her side.

"The hell you are. Garrus, get her to a life pod." With a nod, Garrus tried to get Jane's arm back over his shoulder, but she pulled back again.

"Where are you going, John? You need to get to a life pod, too!" Jane yelled, her eyes narrowing behind her helmet's visor.

"I just launched the distress beacon, but Joker is still in the cockpit. I'm going after him." John explained hurriedly, lurching forward to brace Jane through another explosion before turning to leave.

"I'm going with you!" Jane's good arm came up to grab Shepard's wrist causing him to freeze.

"The hell you are! Get to the goddamn life pod!" Yet another explosion. "Garrus, Kaidan, put her on a life pod right now. That's an order!"

"John, don't you fucking dare!" Shepard ripped his arm away and turned to run toward the stairwell up to the CIC. Jane lurched forward, but Kaidan dropped the fire extinguisher to lift his hands to block her way. They all nearly lost their footing with another explosion, and Garrus wrapped an arm around her middle, picking her up. "JOHN!" Jane screamed and kicked, trying to break free, but Garrus held firm.

"Jane, you're injured, we need to get out of here! He'll be fine, we need to go now!" Garrus yelled as he pulled her close and he took off as fast as he could toward the nearest life pod. Kaidan pulled in front of him, leading the way. Jane continued to beat her good fist against Garrus' back, her knee catching him painfully under the chin, even with his helmet on. She began screaming obscenities and threats at him, half of which were drowned out by screams of other crew members as they hurried down the hall.

"Let go of me this instant, Garrus, or I swear to God I'll-!"

"Hurry!" Kadain hollered as he leapt forward into the nearest life pod hatch before turning and offering Garrus a hand. With a grunt, Garrus attempted to hurl Jane through the hatch, but she threw out her good arm to catch the lip. Kaidan leaned forward and grabbed her hand, forcing her fingers to let go. Together, they forced her into one of the chairs, buckling her in as she thrashed, her teeth bared in a furious snarl, her eyes flashing in rage.

The rest of the seats were quickly filled by other crew members as they flung themselves through the hatch. Once it was completely filled, Kaidan smashed the launch button, causing the doors to snap shut. The entire pod shook violently as it fired off, flinging them into space. With a scream of frustration, Jane finally stilled, her shoulders heaving as she breathed heavily, her good arm bracing her broken one.

As they lapsed into a tense silence, Garrus suddenly became aware of the chatter going on over the ship's coms in his helmet.

"-I can still save her!" Joker was yelling, his voice manic and frantic.

"The Normandy is lost." Shepard pleaded, his voice thick with emotion, "Going down with the ship won't change that." Garrus noticed Jane's head snap up, clearly having keyed in on her brother's voice as well. There was a long, uneasy moment before they heard a reply.

"Yeah… Okay. Help me up." Jane took a relieved breath at Joker's words, but then they all froze as he continued. "Wait, they're coming around for another attack!"

"John! Get out of there!" Jane ordered into the com without hesitation. "Grab Joker and GO!"

"Ah! Watch the arm!" Joker wailed as Shepard grunted, clearly having manhandled the fragile pilot. Everyone in the life pod seemed to be on pins and needles, but none as much as Jane, who seemed to nearly vibrate with anxiety.

After a few moments and more than a few gasped and muttered curses from Joker, Garrus began to hope that they'd made it to the cockpit's emergency life pod. Until Joker's strangled cry broke upon their ears.

"Commander!" Joker's voice cracked, laced with fear, "SHEPARD!" The heartbreak in his anguished voice was nearly enough to freeze Garrus' heart in his chest.

"John! What happened?! Joker, tell me what's going on!" Jane barked into the com, her voice only barely masking the unadulterated panic under the surface. The only response was Joker's muffled sobs.

"Shepard, come in! Shepard, do you read me?!" Kaidan cried out into the coms from where he was buckled in beside Garrus, nearly in unison with Ashley's from whichever life pod she'd made it into. Their words were met with silence for a few long moments until Joker's quiet, broken voice answered.

"Shepard. He-" His voice hitched, and when he continued, it was empty, lifeless, "He didn't make it."

"John? John! You're not allowed to die, you can't leave me!" Jane's voice cracked as she balled her fingers into a fist, driving it down into her thigh. "You can't die! Not like this-" Her voice cut out as though she'd cut her com connection suddenly, her shoulders shaking silently.

"He's gone. I'm so sorry, Jane. I-" He took a shuddering breath and sobbed, "I'm so, so sorry. It's all my fault."

The life pod was silent again, no one moving, as the truth slowly sank in. Garrus shut his eyes, the shock and horror of the situation finally starting to settle upon him. It all happened so suddenly, everything had been fine mere minutes ago. How had it all gone so wrong so fast? What had even happened? After a few minutes of stunned silence, he looked up, wishing he could reach Jane across the pod to offer her comfort. As his eyes found hers, he felt as though a belt had tightened across his chest and he drew back.

Jane stared blankly, her eyes wide as they fixated on something deep within herself, tears visible even from within her helmet as they silently trickled down her cheeks. She'd gone completely still and limp, her head leaning against the harness buckling her in, the complete vision of utter despondency.

Their escape pod drifted aimlessly off into space as their home and loved ones burned, the only sounds around him were the soft sobs of injured and heartbroken crew members and the echoing silence of cold, cruel despair.