.

Loyalty and Limerence

Part 2

Prologue

The Citadel, 6 Months Later

"Approaching Dock 124, prepare to engage airlock."

Jane Shepard took a deep breath as she ignored the announcement from where she sat on her bunk, forearms resting upon her knees. Her head hung, her shoulders tense as she gazed down at a cloth wrapped bundle cradled in open palms. Taking a deep breath, she slipped her thumb into the folds and gave it a quick flick to reveal the star shaped medal. She just stared at it for a moment, letting the usual emotions wash over her before letting her thumb run over the now familiar lines and grooves of the Star of Terra.

They'd given it to her along with her brother's other effects shortly after his death, and though she knew its place was in a case on the wall or the like, she couldn't bring herself to part with it. She didn't have many things with which to remember John, as he'd been somewhat of a minimalist, common for lifers in the military. He'd received it after his heroism during the Skyllian Blitz, and in Jane's mind it had come to represent all the virtues that made up John Shepard. His bravery, his selflessness, his kindness, his faith in the goodness of others, his determination, his desire to always do the right thing-

Her breath hitched as she felt the familiar tightening in her throat, the pricks at the corners of her eyes. Flicking the fabric back over the Star, she lifted a hand to pinch the bridge of her nose as she took a deep breath. After a moment, she pursed her lips and scrubbed at the moisture in her eyes.

She was Lieutenant Commander fucking Shepard. She didn't have time to cry, not anymore.

There had been a rough few weeks after John's death where she'd allowed herself to fall apart. That entire time was a bit of a blur at this point, which she wasn't really sorry about. It'd taken time before she'd been able to get her feet under herself somewhat, at which point she'd dived into her work, accepting a series of missions that had kept her busy and too exhausted to dwell on her pain.

Nearly seven months after the death of her brother, she was starting to feel a little like her old self, but it was clear that a part of her died on the Normandy along with him.

Sighing, she stood up and placed the carefully wrapped medal back in her pocket before grabbing her pack and heading for the door. She made her way through the corridors of the Alliance shuttle until she made it to the airlock. Within minutes, she was making her way through the Citadel's docks.

As she arrived on the Presidium, a painful wave of melancholic nostalgia hit her like a tidal wave, memories assaulting her as her eyes met the familiar sights. She hadn't been back since she'd left soon after John's memorial service. Everywhere she looked it seemed like something jumped out that reminded her of him.

Jane didn't even really know why she was on the Citadel, and it was beginning to aggravate her. She'd received a summons from Anderson requesting her presence for an important meeting along with clearance to take leave from her current posting on Arcturus Station in order to make an immediate trip to the Citadel. She'd requested more information, as she couldn't think up many positive reasons why she would be requested in person before the human councilor, but her inquiries had been stonewalled. All she knew was that her attendance was all but demanded and she'd been pretty much thrown onto the Citadel bound shuttle as soon as the leave request was processed.

Glancing down at her omni-tool, Jane pulled up the most recent message from Anderson, and realized with surprise that he'd booked her a hotel room instead of letting her crash in one of the many Alliance barracks located on the Citadel. She let out a low whistle and smiled when she noted which hotel it was. Apparently no cost had been spared for her comfort. After a moment, her smile faded and her eyebrows crinkled as she considered the many possible reasons behind the decision to put her up in such a nice hotel. Sighing, she decided to make her way over and drop off her things before seeing if anyone she knew was around to meet up for dinner. Her appointment with Anderson wasn't until the next day, and she had some time to kill.

Jane made her way over to the nearest public transport console, and as she lounged back in the sky car, her mind started drifting to various friends she had who were posted or lived on the Citadel.

Immediately, her mind landed on Garrus, as it so often did, and red hot shame curdled in her gut. They hadn't parted on good terms. But soon after the memorial service, Anderson had convinced her to get grief counseling and the therapy had helped her wrap her head around everything that had happened. After getting a better perspective on the events surrounding and following John's death, she'd quickly begun to realize how deeply she'd fucked up in regards to her turian best friend.

Engulfed in regret and sorrow, she'd tried to contact him a few weeks later, and she wasn't sure if she was surprised or not that he hadn't responded. She'd been an unequivocal ass, a complete and utter bastard, and she wasn't sure if she'd have forgiven herself if she'd been in his shoes, especially after she'd punched him. But the thought of him hating her, of never seeing him again, of never hearing his voice again… it ached more than she'd expected it to.

So she continued trying to convince him to hear her out, but to no avail. Granted, she didn't actually have any personal contact information for him, only his extranet addresses through C-Sec and the one the Alliance had given him while working as a contractor. She had some vague hopes that perhaps her messages hadn't managed to find him, but every time she thought back to her mortifying behavior after the memorial service, her hopes that he wasn't ignoring her sank a little further. Every time she let her thoughts drift back to the blue marked turian, there was a small knife in her heart that twisted a little deeper.

After a few minutes of wallowing in frustrated regrets, she contacted Ashley, who had been stationed on the Citadel for the past few months. She shot her a quick message asking if she'd like to grab dinner and some drinks, and was pleased to see a response before she'd even arrived at the hotel.

AW: Sure, that sounds great! It will be great to catch up. Mind if Alenko tags along? He has a temporary posting here, and I'm sure he'd love to see you, too.

Jane's smile turned a little tight when she saw the bit about Kaidan, but she shot back a 'Sure, sounds good.' along with a time and place. It wasn't that she wasn't looking forward to seeing him, but she still very clearly remembered the horrifyingly awkward conversation they'd had just before Ilos, and she'd made sure to not be alone around him since in hopes of avoiding a similarly awkward situation. But enough time had passed that it would probably be fine, perhaps they could go back to being good friends, former teammates.

It would be good to see them both, everyone who'd been aboard the Normandy was like family after everything they'd been through. No other crew she'd been a part of had felt like that, and she was fairly certain she'd never experience anything like that again.

"Well, if it isn't Lieutenant Commander Shepard!" Ashley stood as Jane approached the table, offering her a casual salute with a huge grin on her face. Jane couldn't stop the old, familiar grin from gracing her own face, though it felt oddly stiff from lack of use.

"At ease, soldier." She drawled good naturedly as she gave Ashely a quick hug before turning and offering the same to Kaidan. "Thanks for meeting me, guys. It's good to see you both."

"It's our pleasure, thanks for letting us know you were going to be around." Kaidan said warmly, a small smile on his face as he pulled away from the hug before returning to his seat.

"Yeah, and congrats on the promotion!" Ashley added as she also sat down, gesturing to the seat they had saved for Jane.

"Thanks, though it still throws me a little when people call me Commander Shepard. Doesn't quite feel right, yet." Jane felt her eyes drop as she joined them at the table, searching out the menu instead of meeting their eyes. There was silence for a moment, and Jane kicked herself for even bringing up the topic. She glanced up to see Ashley and Kaidan exchanging a look.

"You know the Skipper would be proud, don't you?" Ashley pointed out slowly, her voice hesitant as though stepping on eggshells. Jane sighed, remembering what a mess she'd been the last time she'd seen her two former teammates. She forced the smile to return to her face, trying to reassure the other woman.

"Thanks, Ashley. I'd like to think so, too. I just wish there was more I could be doing to help finish what he started with the investigation into the Reapers. No one cares what I have to say about it. It's like now that he's gone they can just shove it under the rug and forget about them." It was hard to keep the bitter edge out of her voice toward the end, but Kaidan and Ashley both nodded in agreement, their own brows furrowed in equal frustration.

"I know, nothing I say seems to do any good. It's as if Sovereign and everything it did has been completely forgotten." Kaidan grumbled as he crossed his arms, leaning back in his chair.

"They've all got their heads so far up their own asses that they won't listen to small fries like us. But if we keep being the squeaky wheel, if we don't give up, they've got to hear us out eventually. We can't give up on everything Shepard started." Ashley growled before turning to flag down their server.

After ordering their drinks and meals, the three of them spent the next hour or so laughing and catching up, and Jane felt as though she was closer to being 'at ease' than she had in ages. They spent some time reminiscing about their time aboard the Normandy, and though Jane felt a pang every time John's name came up, she was relieved to see that she could talk about him without the same sharp pain that had accompanied her for most of the past few months.

"-and then Shepard said 'Don't worry, Wrex, we'll pick up some cream for that next time we dock'!" They all burst out laughing, causing looks from a few of the nearby tables, but they'd had enough drinks not to care.

"I think Garrus walked wide of Wrex for like a week after that." Kaidan chuckled, wiping a tear of mirth from his eye, and Jane felt a completely different pang in her chest at the mention of their turian former teammate. After a moment of internal debate, Jane finally decided to ask.

"How is Garrus? Have either of you seen him recently?" There was silence as both Kaidan and Ashley looked at her with surprise before sharing another silent look, which made Jane furrow her brows in apprehension.

"We were actually hoping that you might know more than us." Ashley explained after a moment, and Jane quirked an eyebrow in confusion.

"You remember how he and I left it, why would you think I would know anything?"

"Wishful thinking, I suppose." Kaidan murmured and sighed before continuing, "Neither of us have heard anything from him since shortly after the memorial service. He'd been talking about going back to his old job at C-Sec, but when I checked in there looking for him a few months back, they told me he never ended up taking the job." Jane felt a slow dread settling in her belly like ice.

"So… Neither of you have seen or heard from him… pretty much since the memorial?" Both of them shook their heads sadly, and Jane forced herself to take a deep breath, her jaw setting with frustration and worry. "So he just, what? Disappeared? I've tried reaching out to him, too, but I've heard nothing, either. I was so sure he was going to go back to C-Sec after everything…" Jane trailed off, her mind racing with possibilities.

"Jane, I'm sure he's okay." Ashley stated with finality, her voice full of confidence that was betrayed by the furrow between her brows. "He's tough and he's clever. Wherever he is, I'm sure he's staying safe."

"Yeah, you're right. I'm sure he's okay." Jane tried to infuse her voice with more surety than she felt, wishing for a moment that she could derive the same comfort Ashley could from blind faith.

"Shepard! Good to see you. Come in, come in." Anderson called out warmly as Jane stepped somewhat hesitantly into his spacious office. She readjusted her dress blues before taking his proffered hand in a firm shake. As if she hadn't been confused enough about the purpose of the meeting, the last minute request that she wear her officer's dress blues just added more questions.

"Anderson, good to see you, too." She said with a small smile, affection for the older man warming her voice even with her trepidation regarding the purpose of the meeting.

"Sit down, sit down. Congratulations on your promotion, by the way." Anderson returned to his seat, resting his arms upon the desk as he folded his hands.

"Thank you, sir." Jane sat across from him, but couldn't contain her curiosity any longer. "May I ask what the point of this meeting is, sir?"

"Slow down, we'll get to that in a moment." Anderson took a moment to check the time before examining her through slightly narrowed eyes. "How have you been holding up? You look significantly better than the last time I saw you." Jane couldn't help but cover up her discomfort with a cough, feeling rising embarrassment for her behavior following John's death.

"Yes, much better. Thank you for pushing me to get help, sir." She left it at that, not feeling like diving into the topic further, but wanting to convey her gratitude, nonetheless.

"Of course, I'm glad it helped. From the looks of it, you've been doing much better. You've been busy the past few months." With that, Anderson shifted over to his computer, pulling up what she imagined must be her records and files.

"It helps to keep busy." Jane stated as she felt her back straighten a little under the scrutiny.

"That's good. I'm proud of you, you've been through a lot the past year."

"Thank you, sir." They continued to catch up and exchange small talk for a little while. Just as Jane was starting to feel utterly confused as to why she'd been hauled across the galaxy for this meeting, Anderson checked the time again before standing up.

"Okay, looks like it's time for us to get moving, this is not a meeting we want to be late for." With that, he stood and made his way to the door. Still enveloped in mounting confusion, Jane did her best to keep her concern masked by a blank expression as she rose to follow him out of the room.

She kept a respectful step behind him as he led her down the corridor, voices echoing down from the lobby. Various people were heading about their business in one way or another and none paid them any mind until they approached the main Spectre office. Jane immediately noticed the asari leaning against the wall beside the door, and tried not to stiffen as their eyes locked.

The asari was staring at her, her eyes narrowed and a small predatory smirk gracing her lips. Her face was adorned with a series of purple markings, particularly around her eyes, which gleamed with unspoken challenge as she watched the two humans walk past. Jane kept her gaze locked with the asari, keeping her face impassive except for perhaps a slight narrowing of her own eyes. Just before tearing her gaze away as she continued past her, Jane could have sworn the asari looked almost amused, which honestly just pissed her off a little.

"Who the hell was that?" Jane whispered as she picked up her pace to stride beside Anderson.

"Don't worry about it right now. We're here." Anderson stopped at another door, and Jane looked up to see that it was the office of the asari councilor. The door opened, and Jane felt her eyes widen in surprise as she saw all three councilors standing around the desk. They looked up as the two humans entered.

"Ah, Anderson, Shepard. Just in time. Welcome." Tevos said neutrally as she gestured to the seating around a nearby low table. The councilors made their way over and sat, leaving two seats open for Anderson and Jane.

"Of course." Anderson made his way over and sat down, leaving Jane standing in shocked silence.

"I didn't realize this meeting would be with the… entire council." She murmured after a moment, slowly following after and lowering herself into the last free seat with care. Her eyes flicked from face to face, trying to read their blank expressions to find any sort of hint as to the purpose of the meeting, but finding nothing. "Thank you for having me, it's an honor to be here." She bowed her head slightly, trying to mask her anxiety behind respect.

"Thank you for joining us here today, Commander. We realize that we dragged you all the way here with very little information, for which we apologize. But we hope that the accommodations have been to your liking?" Tevos smiled at her, but Jane felt her eyes narrow as she noted that the smile never reached the asari's eyes.

"We heard about your recent promotion, congratulations Commander." Valern added before continuing, "We were not terribly surprised, especially after your service during the Battle of the Cita-"

"I don't mean to be rude, but why am I here?" Jane cut in, her frustration at the small talk bubbling up and overflowing. Beside her, she saw out of the corner as Anderson raised a hand up to pinch the bridge of his nose, most likely in frustration or exasperation. Across from her, Sparatus raised a brow plate and crossed his arms.

"This one is even less diplomatic and circumspect than her brother, and that's saying something." He grunted as his mandibles flicked with irritation. Valern looked over at the turian, his large eyes blinking before he returned his gaze to Jane.

"Well, right to it, then. We have been looking over your rather impressive service history and, coupled with a recommendation from Anderson, we would like to consider you for the position of Spectre." The room was silent after the pronouncement, and Jane fought to keep her features passive as shock threatened to overwhelm her. Silence seemed to echo as they looked at her expectantly, the seconds dragging on.

"Why?" Was all she managed to get out, her eyes flicking between all four of the councilors one by one. They glanced between themselves before focusing on her again. Jane could swear there was enough tension in the room to cut with a knife. How on earth was she the most qualified person for the job? John, she could understand. He had been a goddamn war hero on top of being an exemplary soldier. He had literally stood between an army and the innocents and lived to tell the tale. He was the honest-to-God best humanity had to offer. What was she other than an infiltration and tech specialist?

"We're still interested in including humans amongst the Spectres, particularly in light of your brother's outstanding service. You have an excellent service record and we believe you would be a good candidate." Tevos explained carefully, her voice even as she gestured openly with both hands. Jane immediately felt ire and indignation welling in her chest as she took a deep inhale, her eyes widening. As the anger mounted, she felt warnings go off somewhere in the back of her head, something that sounded vaguely like John whispered for her to calm down.

"I'm not just some… some replacement Shepard for you simply because my brother died!" Jane spat, her voice sharp as she fought to keep herself from outright yelling at the incredibly powerful people arrayed before her. She felt her hands ball into fists where they rested upon each of her knees, her neatly trimmed nails biting into her palms. The councilors exchanged yet another series of glances, only causing Jane to glare at them harder.

"We understand why you are upset. Please understand that that was not our intention in making you this offer." Tevos' level voice explained as she held her hands up as an offer of peace.

"I find it rather suspicious, then, that you're making me this offer so soon after my brother's death. What reason could you possibly have for your interest in me if not for my name? I'm not famous like my brother, and if you are looking for a replacement, you'll be sorely disappointed. We're very different sorts of soldiers."

"We will admit," Sparatus pointed out in a somewhat conciliatory tone, "That you did not come to our attention until after the events of your brother's mission and the Battle of the Citadel." He waited a moment before continuing, his voice gaining more finality. "However, we were not particularly interested in you until we reviewed your personal service record." His words made Jane's anger cool, her brows knitting as she considered them.

"It is precisely because of your relative anonymity that you are interesting to us." Valern cut in, his eyes narrowing, "As a Spectre, sometimes it is important to fly under the radar, to move amongst the shadows. To infiltrate organizations where someone such as John Shepard would instantly be recognized and questioned." Understanding began to bloom as Jane fought to keep her face neutral, her mind racing as the implications unraveled before her.

"I see. But what if I'm not particularly interested in joining the Spectres? I've enjoyed my time serving with the Alliance." She kept her voice as level as those of the councilors before her, buying her time to consider her options. Anderson coughed into his fist, causing her to glance over at him.

"It would be an honor for you to represent humans amongst the Spectres. Please don't turn it down without giving it serious consideration, Shepard." Jane nodded slowly and watched as Tevos shifted in her seat, something like indecision warring on her usually even features. Jane let her eyes remain on the asari for a moment in hopes that she would crack, and after a moment, she did.

"We are not interested in you and your abilities for no particular reason. You happen to possess the exact set of skills and circumstances that make you uniquely situated for a very specific mission, for which there are very few, if any, others qualified." Once again, the room fell into silence at the unexpected words, and Valern and Sparatus both looked at the asari councilor with surprised expressions as though they hadn't been expecting her to share that information so soon. Jane weighed her interest with her concerns before pressing for more information.

"Okay, I may be interested, but I would need more information first." Tevos' eyes roamed from face to face, a silent conversation seeming to pass between her and her three peers before she looked back at Jane, her eyes hardening.

"What do you know of the organization known simply as Cerberus?" Tevos asked quietly, her voice heavy with the weight of her words. After a moment's consideration, alarm bells began to go off in Jane's head as her eyes snapped open, the last name she expected to hear lingering in her ears.

"Cerberus? The human-first paramilitary group? We had run-ins with them during the search for Saren and disrupted some horrible experiments they were conducting. They're responsible for the death of Admiral Kahoku, but I'd thought we'd disrupted their operations pretty substantially?" Jane looked to Anderson, who nodded, his eyes lowered in memory of the gruesome circumstances surrounding the death of the Admiral.

"We know that they are a rogue Alliance black-ops group, but it is very difficult to acquire additional information due to the nature of the organization. They have increased recruitment to an alarming degree recently, particularly in the past few months, and have been particularly targeting ex-Alliance as potential recruits. We have had an operative attempting to collect more information, but with very little success. But what we do know scares us, to be quite honest." Tevos explained in a dry, informative voice tinged with evident frustration.

"In particular, we have learned of a recent shifting of their admittedly vast resources. They have been funneling a great deal of money into a series of projects, but we barely know anything about them. This is where you would come in." Valern leaned back in his chair, steepling his fingers before him, his eyes hooded as he gazed at Jane.

"Aaah, I see." Jane murmured as she began to suspect she knew where the conversation was going.

"Between their increase in recruitment and this sudden reallocation of resources, we are very concerned." Tevos picked back up again, "Due to their humanity first mentality, their highly militarized mindset, and their evident lack of ethical oversight, we worry that they could come to pose a threat to the safety and stability of the Citadel and Council Space. If it is in fact a weapon that they are developing, steps must be taken to neutralize it."

"While there is one Spectre currently looking into Cerberus, like we said, there is little she can do from the outside. This is why we would like you, should you choose to become a Spectre, to infiltrate their organization and gather information, particularly about these new, expensive projects of theirs." Sparatus finished, his gaze still unblinking and focused on her, cold and calculating. Jane met each of their stares in turn, her mind churning as she considered the words and the information they had put before her.

After a few moments, Jane slowly began to nod her head, the beginnings of a plan beginning to formulate in her mind. Looking over to Anderson, they made eye contact, and after a heartbeat, he nodded once solemnly, and she squared her shoulders before returning her gaze to Tevos.

"Okay. I'm not looking to replace my brother in any way, but I will accept both the position and your mission. Under one condition." The council's initial relief at her acceptance froze at her final words, and they waited with baited breath for her to finish. "When this mission is over, I want to be allowed to pick up where John left off on his investigation of the danger posed by the Reapers." Jane stated as she crossed her arms, her face firming as she settled into the decision. She saw Sparatus huff quietly as he rolled his eyes before nodding, but the other two seemed to brighten substantially at her words

"Yes, yes of course. Wonderful, this is great news. We are pleased to have you, Shepard." Tevos replied with evident relief in her eyes as she smiled and brought her hands together before her chest. Anderson leaned forward in his seat to clap Jane on the shoulder, giving it a quick squeeze before sitting back on his seat.

"We will make all the necessary arrangements and get you outfitted in the best equipment deemed appropriate for the mission." Valern rubbed his hands together as he glanced at Anderson with a nod of his head. "First, however, you will need to undergo a few weeks of intensive training and mentorship off-world with one of our operatives. Her name is Tela Vasir, and she is the one who has been responsible for the information we currently have regarding Cerberus."

"We passed her in the hallway on the way here." Anderson added, noticing Jane's look of confusion, and she felt her eyebrows jump in surprise as she remembered the smirking asari.

"We will need to make it apparent that you have left the Alliance, perhaps you can pretend to be disillusioned after the death of your brother." Jane tried not to let the off handed words sting as Valern brought a hand up to cradle his chin as he contemplated aloud, "Once it is clear you have parted ways, I daresay it won't take long for Cerberus to approach you for recruitment, based on their current practices. Failing that, there must be ways to seek them out."

"I believe I know someone in the information business, I'm sure I can track them down one way or another." Jane mused out loud before frowning as she looked at Anderson. "But do I really need to leave the Alliance? It was a little unclear what John's status was within the Alliance when he was made a Spectre, but he never officially resigned, I thought."

"We can discuss it further later, but for now I believe it is necessary. You can always be reinstated afterwards."

"I see." Jane closed her eyes and set her jaw as a stab of pain caught her off guard.

"Typically, Spectres do not retain affiliation with their species' military once instated." Sparatus pointed out after a moment, and Jane glanced at him before nodding her head slowly in resignation.

"I understand."

"Wonderful." Tevos stated again as she stood, signaling the end of the meeting. She stepped around the low table and extended her hand to Jane as she stood. Taking it, they shook quickly before taking a step back. "Welcome to the Spectres, Shepard. Let's meet again quickly tomorrow to go over the details of preparing you for the mission."

"Yes, Ma'am. Thank you for this opportunity." Jane stood up straight and fought the instinct to salute, the reality of parting ways with the Alliance starting to sink in. As the other three councilors began quietly murmuring amongst themselves, Jane turned to Anderson who beamed at her.

"Congratulations, Shepard. You deserve this honor." Anderson asserted as he held out his own hand, and Jane shook it even as she recognized the bitter taste lingering on her tongue.

"I don't like any of this." Anderson's smile became somewhat crooked as he raised an amused eyebrow before clapping her on the shoulder again.

"I know, but you're doing the right thing. Part of doing your duty is serving when and where you're needed. And right now, you're needed amongst the Spectres for this mission." Jane shut her eyes and took a deep breath, squaring her shoulders.

"I know." The two humans made their way back to Anderson's office, but they hadn't so much as sat down before the door opened unceremoniously to reveal the purple marked asari from earlier. She took a step into the room, letting the door close behind her as she surveyed them, her face impassive except for a slight narrowing of her eyes. She opened up her omni-tool, waving it before her before checking its readout. Apparently happy with her findings, she shut it off again before meeting Jane's eyes.

"Commander Shepard? Tela Vasir, Special Tactics and Reconnaissance. I hear congratulations are in order, welcome to the team." There was the barest hint of a smile on her lips as Vasir stepped forward into the room.

"Thanks." Jane remained where she stood, crossing her arms. She was often good at getting initial reads on people, but Vasir was a bit of a closed book, and it made her weary.

"Please pardon my caution," Vasir gestured to the wrist she wore her omni-tool upon, "You can never be too sure who's listening. If I've learned anything about these people, it's to always watch my back."

"Are you referring to Cerberus?"

"I see they've clued you in. That's probably for the best. I've looked into your record and I'm looking forward to working with you. I can tell we're going to have fun." The amused smile from before was back on the asari's lips, and Jane found herself with the barest hint of a smirk on her own lips.

"Well, if there's one thing I can't resist, it's the offer of intrigue, violence, and a good time."

"We're going to get along just fine. Once all the boring paperwork is processed and everything is official, I'll shoot you a message. We'll start your initial training here on the Citadel, but then we'll head off world for the bulk of it. Best prepare yourself, you're in the big leagues now." With that, Vasir turned on her heel and strode out the door with little more than a casual flick of her hand by way of goodbye.

It wasn't until just over a month later that Jane found herself standing with luggage in hand at the shuttle port. She felt weird and out of place wearing civilian clothing, but she had officially resigned from the Alliance and so she'd had to buy a few sets for herself. Given that her new status as a Spectre was being kept under wraps, she was supposed to be playing the part of disgruntled ex-Alliance marine and so a new wardrobe had been part of the 'disguise'. She had kept her old N7 hoodie, however, which had been a gift from Anderson back when she'd graduated from the program, and it made her feel slightly more comfortable in her new, casual get up.

She was rather impressed with her new equipment, though, which had been issued to her after the paperwork had been finalized. Her new armor was packed neatly into her bag slung over her shoulder and her new weapons were cradled in the case she gripped in her fist as she neared her shuttle.

Even after working with Vasir for the last few weeks, the entire situation still felt a bit surreal, particularly when she had completed her resignation. The Alliance had been her life for the past 10 years, and to have it ripped out from under her so suddenly left her reeling, even though it had been her own choice in the end. She wondered idly if she was making the right decision, if John would be proud of the path her life was taking.

It was hard to keep the doubts from seeping in. After all this trouble, would Cerberus even be interested in recruiting her? What if they never contacted her and she couldn't track them down? What if she messed up and they figured her game out, got the jump on her? She was already planning on meeting with Liara on Illium as soon as possible in order to get what information on Cerberus she could dig up. Taking a deep breath, Jane forced herself to relax as she made her way toward the dock.

"Jane!" Her head snapped up at the familiar voice that called out over the crowd, "Jane Shepard!" Turning, Jane saw the figure of Ashley darting and pushing between people as she hurried closer.

"Ashley? How-?" Ashley finally came to a stop before her, clutching a stitch in her side and Jane trailed off at the intense look in the other woman's eyes.

"I've been trying to get a hold of you for days, why haven't you been answering my messages?" Ashley snapped at her, accusation tinging her words as she caught her breath. Jane felt a moment of guilt, she had been ignoring her messages. She wasn't able to give Ashley any information about her current plans or mission, and avoidance seemed the easier route, even if she did count the woman amongst her friends. So instead, she met the question with one of her own.

"How on earth did you know I would be here, Ash?" Ashley quirked an eyebrow at the question, placing a fist on her hip as she took in Jane's attire.

"I got worried when you weren't responding to my messages, so I contacted Anderson. He was giving me the run around at first, but I kept on him. He said… He told me you were discharged from the Alliance?! I didn't believe him at first, but looking at you-" Ashley cut off, gesturing to Jane and her civilian clothing. Jane felt a sinking in her stomach as she realized the direction this conversation was inevitably snowballing.

"Okay, but how did you know I would be here? Right now?"

"Well, Anderson also mentioned that you were planning on leaving soon, so I got a hold of a contact of mine in C-Sec and he gave me a tip off that you'd passed through security here."

"I see." There was a moment of drawn out silence between them before Ashley's brows drew down into a scowl.

"I hadn't wanted to believe Anderson, but- but it's true, isn't it? What the fuck, Jane?" Jane remained stubbornly silent, her mind racing for a way out of the conversation without giving anything away while also maintaining her friendship with Ashley. "I thought we were friends, Jane, I deserve some sort of answer! What the fuck are you doing? Were you just going to slink away without even saying goodbye?" Jane turned away, a frown gracing her own features in frustration. "Answer me!"

"Look, I've been struggling since John died, you know that. I just need to get away from everything for a while." Jane's eyes shot back to Ashley as the other woman let out a short, harsh bark of laughter.

"I didn't think you were a coward." Jane felt her pride ruffle at the unfair accusation and pursed her lips in irritation that she couldn't properly defend herself. "How exactly will you running away help in the fight against the Reapers?"

"Ash…" Jane struggled to figure a diplomatic way to end the conversation, but the words came up blank.

"You're just giving up! Then what was all that shit about finishing what your brother started?! Or were you just talking out of your ass? I didn't think you would disrespect his memory like that." Ashley took a step closer, jabbing an angry finger in her direction, and Jane fought not to let the rage that she's kept tightly leashed the past few months bubble up. Taking a deep breath, Jane channeled the emotion into cold fury as she made her decision.

"Fuck you, Williams. You don't know or understand anything." And it was true, honestly, though it was hardly Ashley's fault she was being kept in the dark. It didn't make her words cut Jane any less.

"Yeah. I guess not. After everything we'd been through, I had thought we were friends. Guess I was wrong." Ashley spat as she crossed her arms, her eyes glaring daggers. Jane met her glare for glare before turning and striding toward her shuttle. "Don't fucking walk away from me, Shepard!"

Jane grit her teeth and set her eyes forward as she ignored the friend she left behind, knowing it was for the best.

"You fucking coward!" Jane could hear the pain and anger in Ashley's voice, but she refused to look back. That was why Jane had always kept a healthy emotional distance from her crewmates prior to the Normandy. Keeping emotions out of work made everything easier. Parting ways with Ashley would have been so much easier if she hadn't genuinely liked the other woman.

When she finally found her seat aboard the shuttle, she couldn't help but let her mind drift to Garrus. Another friendship shot to pieces by her own hand, though under very different circumstances. It was one of her biggest regrets, though not greatest, and she found her mind drifting to and worrying about him regularly. After a moment, she reached into her bag and pulled out her old visor. Holding it up to her eye, she let her vision refocus until a particular set of numbers swam into view.

-Kill Count-

[GV: 210]

[JS: 215]

No change. Not that she'd expected it to have changed. Once again, she considered deleting the display, but once again, she didn't. It felt as though letting it go would be like letting him go, and she just didn't have the heart to stop hoping they'd meet again someday.

Sitting back in her seat, she brought her visor down to rest in her lap as she glanced out the window. She could see the wards wrapping up and around out of sight. Closing her eyes, she looked away as she let out a deep breath. At some point, she would have to let the past go. But not yet. Not bloody well yet.