QLFC Season 10 Round 8: Let me let go

Main prompt: "I knew you'd haunt all of my what-if's." -cardigan

Additional prompts:

1. [Setting] train station

2. [Object] bouquet of flowers

3. [Restriction] Include at least 2 flashbacks

Word count: 2400

A/N: Thank you Jily Trash and Bellwhether2.0 for beta reading!

What if Remus and Nymphadora did not die in the Battle of Hogwarts, and they survived the war?

The sun had already begun setting when Remus finally left the Ministry. He jogged towards King's Cross train station, stopping momentarily at a nearby florist to pick up his wife's favourite pink hydrangea flowers and a few stalks of blue hydrangea flowers as an apology for his terrible lateness. He was supposed to meet his wife at Platform Nine and Three-Quarters to catch the evening train to Hogsmeade to celebrate their third anniversary tomorrow.

Upon entering the train station, he winced at the noisy crowd. Of course it would be crowded and loud. Muggles were getting off work in the evening. The trains were roaring as they were pulling up to and departing the station with greater frequency. This was definitely the evening rush hour.

Remus took a deep breath, steeled his nerves and then, he began his mission. He strode briskly through the train station. He dodged the groups of people, slalomed around travellers who stood still in the middle of the crowds, went against the crowd sometimes until he saw the number 9 looming ahead of him. He was almost there before he was forced to stop.

He had slammed into someone. As he fell, he cursed colourfully. The bouquet of pink and blue flowers had slipped out of his hand and a few stalks scattered freely away from the bouquet. Remus swore under his breath, prepared to castigate the offender with a string of cutting words. However, as he raised his head, the thought of vicious sarcasm immediately disappeared just as the roars from the trains and the endless chatter from the other travellers faded to silence. In front of him, a beautifully handsome man looked down at him. It was a tall stranger with long, black hair and stubble.

"Are you alright?"

Grey eyes. Familiar, mischievous, grey eyes. Remus stared in muted bewilderment. His eyes were wide as saucers. His heart beat loudly and slowly in his ears, almost as if it was aiming for a suspenseful dramatic sound. He felt his jaw move but his throat felt tight and constricted. He was choking… but he was not dying. Far from it. He was… strangely captivated.

Why? Who are you?

"Hello? Hey, are you alright?" the stranger repeated after he picked up the partially crumpled bouquet and gathered the stray stalks.

Remus nodded slowly and numbly. He could not trust himself to speak. In fact, he did not think his quickly-constricting throat would be capable of making sounds. Part of his mind wanted to scream and deny, but seeing was believing - his eyes noticed other travellers walking around the stranger instead of walking through him - and somehow, the truth made his insides recoil and shudder.

This stranger lives in his reality.

The stranger held the bouquet up gently and scrutinised it with a soft, fond smile curled on his lips. "Hydrangea," he whispered the name of the flower softly and gently as if he was whispering lovingly to the flower. "The blue one is very painful to look at, yet it appeases my heart. It never lets you forget your past mistakes… but it also serves to witness your growth and maturity."

Remus knew what the lookalike stranger meant because that person also had a similar opinion of the flower. Consequently, his heart thumped harder and the sound reverberated in his ears like a gong. The beat was heavy and loud, as it seemed to completely fill out the emptiness in his ears.

It was late in their fifth year when he and Sirius had to serve detention with Professor Sprout for something Sirius had done. Remus could not remember the exact prank or malicious mischief but Sirius had definitely targeted at least one Hufflepuff student. It was one of those very rare times when Sirius felt genuinely apologetic for the trouble and hurt he had caused because the Hufflepuff student had to be urgently admitted to St Mungo's Hospital for Magical Maladies and Injuries for a month. Remus remembered he had been sent to detention because he had been a prefect, he was a well-known friend to Sirius, and he had been there - a case of being at the wrong place at the wrong time.

"What were you thinking, Padfoot? You could've killed Theo!" Remus rebuked as he clipped away the wilted flowers from plants.

"I know-"

"You know? You know?!" Remus snarled as he threw the shears down and spun on his heel to glare at the roguishly handsome teenager.

"I already said, I'm sorry," Sirius sighed heavily as he moved past Remus to pick up the abandoned shears and began snipping away the faded flowers that Remus had overlooked.

"You implicated me too! You tarnished my reputation! My scholarship from the Ministry is now under consideration!" Remus screamed as he glared murderously at the back of his friend. "If they revoke it because of your stupidity and arrogance, I swear… I swear, I will kill you!"

Sirius glanced at Remus over his shoulder and sighed softly. He plucked a bright blue Hydrangea and closed the distance between them. "This is a beautiful blue," Sirius whispered as he looked down at the flower. "I can say a thousand sorrys, Moony, but it won't undo what happened and I shall live with the guilt of Theo's disfigured face for the rest of my life. I just… maybe this flower can appease you a little. I am truly sorry, Moony and I hope this can show you my genuine sincerity. Everytime I see it, I will be reminded of my guilt and regret, my arrogance and carelessness that caused irreparable damage to a peer."

"I know. Blue hydrangeas whisper regrets softly but mockingly and brutally in your heart," Remus completed the sentiment with a dazed nod.

The stranger blinked in surprise before a wide grin stretched over his handsome face. "So, we are alike!" he chuckled good naturedly as he stretched his free hand out to Remus. "Come on, I'll help you up."

Is this person really you?

Remus stared at the face, the grin and then, at the hand. He felt nauseous. He felt hopeful. He felt confused. This stranger looked familiar, felt familiar, sounded familiar… Could it be? He was finally back? Remus hesitantly accepted the hand which immediately tightened into a firm grip, and Remus shivered unwillingly.

The calloused palm felt too familiar. The grip was too familiar… and the fingertips… The sensation of the fingertips were a blast from a distant past. Remus shut his eyes as his body recoiled as the nerves remembered the day of their fourth year in the Whomping Willow.

That night had been a full moon, and Remus had been furious with James. It was hilarious to watch the pranks victimising and humiliating other students - especially Snivellus, but it was far, far, very far from funny when he was the victim of James' cruel prank. In the midst of their argument and fight - of course, James would laugh off and accuse him of being sensitive instead of taking accountability for his own bullying - Remus remembered his eyes glanced at the moon and his curse triggered. His lycanthropy, fueled by his fury and hatred at James, made his aggression untenable. He remembered shredding. He remembered the scent of blood. He remembered his murderous intentions - he wanted to kill in the most savage of ways.

It was much later when he woke up, with a huge gap of missing memories - he still did not know what had happened that night. He remembered tender touches, gentle fingertips. He looked around to see Sirius smearing ointments and creams generously on his gaping wounds.

"Really, Moony, you had to shred your own body?" Sirius had chided as he clicked his tongue while he continued attending to the wounds. "Rest up, you're in safe hands."

Remus remembered his throat was dry and he was fading out of consciousness again. "Thank you, Padfoot." He remembered feeling cared for, protected and… safe. With Sirius.

"Sirius? Are you… Sirius?" Remus asked softly. Haltingly. Breathlessly.

"Hey? Hey! Hey, man! I think you're alright now," the stranger called loudly and a little harshly as he frowned and yanked his hand out roughly. His handsome face had twisted into a mixed look of wariness and confusion.

Do you hear me?

Remus blinked and then stared at his empty hand. How long had he been reminiscing? How much of the conversation had he blanked out on? Had he tightened his grip on the stranger's hand when he was lost in his memories? Remus felt nauseous. He was struggling to focus on reality.

Please tell me! Are you him?

"I… yeah, I think I'm alright," Remus spoke slowly and hesitantly. He felt disoriented. He wanted to run, he wanted to shake the stranger, he wanted to ask… he wanted to ask if the stranger was him. He truly, deeply, wanted to know the truth. He needed to know.

"Sorry for knocking you over, alright? Here, your flowers."

Remus nodded slowly. This stranger was not him. Sirius would not apologise as brusquely as this. He was not Sirius! The mannerism, the flippancy, the wariness and confusion, the aloofness and the lack of recognition… This stranger absolutely could not be Sirius; because how could he be? How could anyone be? Sirius was trapped behind The Veil. Sirius died in The Veil. Sirius died… because he was not there with him.

Of course, you are not him! You can never be him! No one can!

"REMUS!" Nymphadora called out to him from a few feet behind the stranger. She was smiling radiantly, carrying little Teddy in her arms. Remus tried to smile as he nodded and returned her wave lamely. He took the bouquet of flowers from the stranger, and began to walk towards Nymphadora slowly. At the same time, the stranger smiled at him and nodded as if to bid farewell and walked away in the opposite direction. An unmistakable mobile ringtone rang and the stranger dug into his pocket, pulled out the phone and answered the call.

"Hello?" the stranger spoke calmly on the phone. After a few beats, he scratched the back of his head sheepishly as he continued flippantly, "Yeah, sorry gonna be late. I knocked Moony down…"

Moony..?

Remus stopped midstep as his head turned sharply that his neck muscles screamed at the sudden pull. He stared at the back of the stranger who was towering over some of the travellers. The roar of the trains, the noise of the chattering travellers, the cries and screams of the young children… everything faded away. He heard nothing but the repetitive, taunting sound, "Moony… Moony… Moony!"

No, no, no! Wait!

Before he could understand and recognise his own actions, Remus felt his legs marching impatiently to close the distance between him and the stranger. He needed to ask. He needed to know if the stranger knew him. What were the chances of him meeting his lookalike? What were the chances that the imposter knew his nickname? Was this a cosmic joke? Were he and his feelings just a joke for the Gods to play with?

He just needed to cross another ten metres - maybe less, maybe more - and he would be within touching distance… but a new crowd of travellers filled the gap and the tall stranger finally disappeared from sight… and Remus finally stopped moving and breathing heavily. It finally felt as if he could breathe again. The noose around his neck had disappeared. The chains that weighed him down and made it difficult for him to move had finally set him free. The ghostly whispers in his heart and mind had finally flown away.

Goodbye.

"Remus, is everything okay?" Nymphadora asked as she looked up at him concerned for his wellbeing. To her, he looked frazzled and rattled. Perhaps, tonight - instead of tomorrow night - would be the full moon. "Do you sense a full moon tonight?"

"I..." Remus did not know the words he could speak. What could he say? What should he say? He had spent countless sleepless and restless nights blaming himself for his death. If he had arrived sooner, if he had been there at Grimmauld Place, maybe, they would have fought Bellatrix together. Maybe they would have defeated her…and he would have been still alive. They would be dancing together, laughing together, living together… Instead, Remus had to pretend he had moved on. He had to pretend he was content. He had to pretend he was happy with the untouchable ghost of his memories and lost hopes.

"The haunting of forgotten memories," Remus whispered as he held his family tight and gifted her the flowers. That was right. Nymphadora and Teddy were his family now. They were now his reason to continue living for another day. They were not his true desires…but they were good enough to tape a plaster over the bleeding yearning. "Help me bury them, love. Help me let them go," he pleaded softly as he closed his eyes to silence the longing. He did not want to carry the weight and burden of his fantasies that had no chance of reality. He wished to be free of the shackles of his heart's longing and desires.

Let me let go, please.

Nymphadora squeezed her husband reassuringly as she whispered gently into his ear, "Lycanthropy will never be enough to stop me from loving you, honey. Nothing will stop me loving you."

I am sorry, Dora.

Remus sighed inaudibly and guiltily. Let her believe his worries revolve around his curse. Let her never discover his chamber of secret desires. Let those secret dreams rest in peace, for that man must be resting peacefully behind The Veil. Merlin, he prays his feelings for the tall, black haired, roguishly handsome man be silenced and buried forever so he could peacefully focus fully and wholly on his existing present.

Thank you for reading.