Chapter Fifteen

He was soon sitting with a cup of tea on the other side of the desk from Professor Dumbledore in the circular office. Fawks flew down from his perch to get a stroke from Harry.

"You must understand that during the war, it was a difficult time. Many people made difficult choices but if we don't hold people accountable for their actions..." Dumbledore trailed off, leaving Harry unsure of what he was going to say exactly.

Harry pulled out the letter from Pettigrew and placed it on the desk, "You said you know what's in this?"

Dumbledore nodded, "It explains to you that Professor Snape assisted in killing your father."

Harry gulped, so it was true then.

"Professor Snape overheard some information that concerned both you and and he chose to pass that information on." Dumbledore said calmly, "And yes, I can answer the question you are thinking. If Severus hadn't passed that information on, I am quiet sure your father wouldn't have died that night."

Harry scrunched up his first until his nails dug into his palms painfully and his knuckles turned white, "Mum?"

"She knows. I was very against you staying with Severus when you were a child, I thought it was best you were raised away from all that but Severus disagreed and your mother was already falling back on old habits." Dumbledore paused, "Her and Severus were great friends during their time at school, it was only natural for her to trust him."

"You're not pleased they got together?"

Dumbledore shook his head, "I'm pleased they're happy and Danica is such a lovely girl, it's impossible to not like her."

Harry was painfully aware that that didn't answer the question. He shuffled in his chair; Fawks had flown back to his perch and Harry wished he had some excuse to get up and give him a stroke, it would give him sometime to think.

"Where would I have gone? If you didn't want me staying in the Wizarding world?" Harry asked, barely a whisper.

"I don't know." Dumbledore gave a small shrug, "I hadn't had time to make any arrangements; everything happened very quickly."

Harry looked up, he was sure that wasn't the whole truth. Dumbledore always had a plan, like he was playing a very complicated game of chess, always thinking five moves ahead. Harry's head was hurting and there was a burning pit of rage in his stomach.

Dumbledore looked kindly at him, "I'm only telling you all this because I think you're old enough, and mature enough to know the truth."

"Why wouldn't they have told me?" Harry snapped, "They think I'm a baby?"

Dumbledore remained silent but a small smile passed across his lips.

"I should go." Harry mumbled.

Dumbledore nodded, "Yes, it is getting late, why don't you head to bed?"

Harry forced a smile and nodded. He left the office quickly and moved through the corridors to the Slytherin common room. He was just moving past the staircase down to the dungeons when Professor Snape stepped in his way.

"I wanted a word." Severus said, as kindly as he could.

"I have NOTHING to say to you." Harry snapped.

"You haven't been told everything." Severus said through gritted teeth. He was trying to to let his anger get the better of him. He knew that Harry was better than this.

"You murdered my father. You're nothing! What was is it some stupid jealousy? He saved you're life and got the girl and was the hero. You're just pathetic!" Harry hissed at him. He wanted to cry he was so angry.

"I see." Snape said, his face was cold as stone, "Well then, I shan't delay you any further."

Harry barged past him and went straight to his room, not before he saw a cruel smile from Gemini who was revelling in how upset he was.

Harry was still angry a week later, he'd been missing his Potions lessons and Defence Against the Dark Arts as much as he could. He hated being in the same room as Severus at the moment and Remus knew something was wrong and Harry didn't want to talk about it.

"It wont be so bad." Daphne said, "I'm sure you can come with us to Hogsmead next time."

Pansy and Draco sat across the table looking worried but trying not to show it. Harry hadn't been the same since he got the letter from Pettigrew, he couldn't get it out of his head.

Draco would never tell them but Harry had had constant nightmares since that letter had arrived. He was sure it was because of the Dementors hovering around the place all the time and now Harry knew more of the story it wouldn't stop haunting him.

"Harry?" Pansy, touched his arm, making him jump, "We just asked if there was anything you wanted us to pick up? From Hogsmead?"

Harry shook his head, "No; I wanted to have a look around, I don't really know what's down there." He smiled, "But if you find anything interesting..."

Draco smirked, "We'll find something."

Harry grinned, "Next time I am determined to come with you."

"Well once they get rid of the Dementors you can sneak out under your cloak." Daphne whispered.

Harry nodded, he just wished that time was now. His heart had fallen when he'd gotten the letter from his mother. She told him frankly that he was missing classes, had interrupted a sixth year class and she had had several letters from teachers worried about his work over the last week. She had been on the fence about letting him go anyway after the attack at the Quidditch match and now Lily was sure he wouldn't be going to Hogsmead.

But Harry needed to get out of the castle, away from the Dementors and the same walls all the time, away from worrying about who he was going to run into in the corridors and not exploding at everyone around him. His mother's lack of understanding, in his mind, confirmed that Dumbledore was the only one who didn't treat him like a baby.

He glanced up at the teacher's table, Professor Snape was looking at him again. Harry felt his blood boil and glared back until Severus looked away.

Professor McGonagall walked down the table, carrying a clip board and quill.

"Anyone staying for the holidays?" she asked them.

Draco, Pansy and Daphne shook their heads. Harry was also about to say no when he found himself nodding.

"Yeah I'm staying." He said, hardly knowing how the words were leaving his mouth.

Professor McGonagall looked a little shocked but passed him the clip board, where he signed his name on the short list of Slytherins that would be staying. Thankfully, Gemini and Rodolphus's names weren't on the list just a couple of older students that Harry didn't really know.

Professor McGonagall nodded and took the clip board back, "Thank you."

"Why are you staying over Christmas?" Draco asked, leaning across the table towards Harry.

Harry shrugged, "I just don't think I can be in the same house as Him for so long."

Pansy sighed, "You can't let this rule your life Harry. I still don't think that Pettigrew told you everything anyway."

"Dumbledore agreed that it was the truth." Harry pointed out, "You should get going or you're going to be late."

Daphne, Draco and Pansy nodded, they knew Harry better that to push him at this point.

"We'll see you when we get back?" Daphne asked.

Harry nodded, "Yeah I'm just going to go to the library and catch up on some homework."

Harry watched them leave and picked a bit more at his breakfast before grabbing his book bag and walking towards the library.

"Harry." Remus followed him out the hall, "Can I have a word?"

Harry racked his brain for an excuse, "I'm actually just heading to the library. Have some homework to catch up on."

Remus smiled at him, "Come on Harry."

Harry sighed and nodded, before following him to his office.

It was a large room that, to Harry, looked like something out of a story book. Every wall was covered large book shelves covered in books, or cages filled with interesting creatures. Remus popped an old kettle on the fire and gestured to Harry to sit down next to him.

Harry sat and put his bag down, looking around at the books. Remus pulled up a small side table with a tea pot and two tea cups, with a lily pattern on, so that they could reach it.

"Don't the house elves make drinks for people?" Harry asked.

Remus nodded, "Yes. But there is something rather nice about making it yourself. When I was ill, my mother would always sit me down by the fire and make me tea." he smiled at the memory.

"Where you ill often?" Harry asked.

"Yes I was. It's an unfortunate side affect of my condition you see, changing every month; it takes a toll on the immune system." Remus sighed, "I was thankfully home schooled until I came here."

Harry nodded and watched Remus measure out the tea leaves and pour in the boiling water. He gave it a few stirs before leaving it to brew.

"Lets get straight to the point shall we?" Remus asked, sitting back, "You've not been yourself this last week Harry, you've missed several of my classes and all of your Potions."

Harry's face clouded, "Yes." he hissed, "What's your point?"

"Harry, what's wrong?" Remus asked.

Harry sighed, he pulled out the letter from Peter Pettigrew and handed it over. Remus quickly read over it and sighed.

"The best thing you can do with that letter Harry is throw it in the fire." Remus said frankly.

"So it's not true?" Harry asked.

Remus shook his head, "I didn't say that Harry, but the best way to lie is to lie with the truth."

"I don't know what you mean." Harry said.

Remus thought for a few moment, "Well you could say that I was a danger to people."

"What? You'd never hurt anyone." Harry said, shaking his head.

"I know but once a month I'm not always in control therefore I am a danger to people. It's not a lie but it's not the truth either." Remus pointed out.

Harry sat back in the chair and thought it over, "I see your point."

"In this letter there is truth but it's not the whole truth. When we were at school, James was very cruel to Severus. We all were." Remus said regretfully, "And when we grew up we made it almost impossible for Severus to fight against You-Know-Who."

"He could have not picked a side." Harry said.

"No. Harry, no one couldn't pick a side. People may pretend that now but anyone who had any level of power or influence had to pick a side." Remus told him, "Both sides made sure of that."

"If he hadn't told-" Harry began.

"I'm sure James would be dead anyway." Remus said firmly, "Your parents had already faced You-Know-Who three times and his followers countless times before that final battle. Never mind the fact that there is every chance someone else would have told You-Know-Who that your parents were a threat which would have led to the same result."

Harry tried not to cry, "But it was him that told and being picked on as a child isn't an excuse."

Remus sighed, "It wasn't picking Harry. It was… it was torture. We made every day of his life unbearable and revelled in it."

"I can't imagine you picking on anyone." Harry mumbled.

"Yes. Well I can make a hundred excuses. I'd never had a friend before and I didn't want to do anything that would loose me my three friends." Remus explained, "I think Peter was the same really, he was a shy boy who just wanted to fit in. I think he was only friends with James really because it was easier than being one of his potential victims. But at the end of the day we all have to take responsibility for our actions."

"What...what..." Harry couldn't get the question out.

"What did we do?" Remus looked down at his hands, "I can't even remember most of it, which just makes it worse because I know that Severus will remember everything. The things I do remember though are horrific, times when I knew James had gone to far. He…"

Harry looked at Remus.

Remus took several deep breaths and rubbed his forehead, "Lets just say that turning someone upside down and stripping them naked is never excusable."

Harry blinked, "Are you kidding me?"

Remus shook his head, "I wish I could say that I was. I… I hate what we did and if I could go back and change it, I would in a second. It made a lot of hard feelings and honestly? I can't blame Severus for siding with You-Know-Who."

Harry shuffled in his chair and stared into the fire.

"And it's not like he was the only one. Draco's parents were both death eaters, many people were." Remus pointed out, "Most pure-blooded families where involved. And at the end of the day, Peter wanted power, that's why he betrayed your parents. Yes he might have been scared, we all were, but they trusted him and he betrayed them. That's why You-Know-Who was able to find them."

"He could have given them more time though." Harry said, "They could have had back up!"

Remus looked at him intensely, "You know there was meant to be someone else in the house the night your parents where attacked?"

Harry looked up and shook his head, "What do you mean?"

"Sirius was living with them at the time." Remus told him, "He was out on a date with his girlfriend at the time when You-Know-Who arrived. He could have made a huge difference if he'd been there. He could have saved your father. He's never really forgiven himself for that."

"I never knew that." Harry mumbled.

"He's never really talked about it. Until Nikka came along, can you remember him ever really getting involved with anyone?" Remus pointed out, "He didn't know that would be the night everything would go wrong but he wasn't there. Do you blame him as well?"

"No, of course not. You still should have told me, I'm not a baby any more." Harry said firmly, his anger was quickly falling apart, replaced by huge amounts of guilt from everything he said to Severus and the way he'd acted lately.

"We didn't not tell you because you're a child Harry, we didn't tell you because you already knew the truth. I, we all thought, that adding in all the politics wouldn't help. Your mother lost it when Severus first told her. You were only about three but she kicked him out the house and sobbed for days." Remus said.

"But she let him back." Harry said, an edge of harshness in his voice.

"Yes, because she loved him and worked out very quickly that he wasn't to blame for what happened. I think you know that as well now."

Harry sighed and nodded, "Yeah. I was just so cross. For some reason this year, it's just really hit me that I don't even know what James was like. From what you've said I wouldn't have liked him much."

Remus shook his head, "Your father grew up a lot once he left school. He was an only child and his parents, well he was rather spoiled. Lily was a very good influence on him and once you were born, he loved you so much."

"People always say I look like him." Harry said, "What if I'm like him?"

"You're not Harry. Who our parents are doesn't make us. We make our own choices." said Remus firmly, "You do look a lot like him but you've got your mother's eyes, they're kind, kind to a fault."

Harry smirked, "Well I try."

"And you succeed Harry." Remus told him, "Even I would have lost my temper with Ron before you did."

Harry flopped back against the chair, "I signed up to stay here over the holidays this year." he mumbled, "I'm not even sure why. I didn't think."

"You were angry and there's nothing wrong with that. I believe that Severus is having to work over Christmas day this year anyway, and I've been asked to as well. I'm sure it wouldn't be to difficult to smuggle Lily, Danica and Sirius in." Remus paused, "And it might do you some good to stay here, it'll give you some space and show you what it would have been like if Severus and Sirius hadn't stopped Dumbledore from taking you after the attack."

Harry sat up, "He actually tried? I knew he wanted to but why would he take me if he didn't have anywhere for me to go? Was he hoping to raise me himself or something?" Harry asked confused.

Remus blinked at him, "Harry, Dumbledore did have a place for you. He was going to leave you with your aunt and uncle."

"He… it doesn't matter. I can't imagine having to put up with Dudley everyday, at least I would have been able to beat some sense into him." Harry shrugged.

Remus smiled, "Well we could have hoped but I think things ended up better this way. Can I expect to see you back in classes from now on?"

Harry nodded, "Yeah. I'm going to go and find Dad, say I'm sorry."

Remus nodded, "Good idea." he gave Harry a hug and walked him to the door.

"Can you keep this?" Harry asked, handing him the letter from Pettigrew, "I've been carrying it around with me since Dumbledore gave it to me and I think it's just made things that much worse."

Remus took the letter and gave Harry a sad smile, "Yes, I imagine it has. It's strange how something so small can have such a big impact on your life. Take care Harry."

Harry smiled, "I will." he left the room and started down the corridor.