Chapter 14
That evening, all the tributes are lined up backstage. District One is at the front – as always, the attention-hogs.
I am stationed between Anita and Pinty at the back. I keep glancing around Anita to catch Rubis' eye, though he is staring resolutely ahead of him.
"Bruv. What the fuck are you wearing?" Pinty blurts from behind me.
"This? Oh, it's only the height of fashion in the Capitol. I'll have them all swooning over me by the end of my interview."
"Throwing up, you mean. You look like a whale got cut up and glued together, all messed up, innit."
"Now now, Pinty; are you insulting the hallowed art of drag? You must learn to be tolerant. We live in a woke society, and just because you're poor and unedu-"
"You know what, fam? Shut up. Man don't care why you're wearin' a paddling pool."
Many of the other tributes are staring at me, whispering to each other and smirking.
I take solace in the fact that Rubis, at least, has fashion sense – even if none of the others understand good style.
Defensively I say to Pinty, "Well it's not like what you're wearing is any better."
Pinty looks down at her tattered trackpants, sneakers and sleeveless hoodie. The hood-strings are pulled tight around her face and over a beanie, so that none of her hair is visible.
Pinty snaps, "Are you saying I look bad, cuz? You wanna go? I'll mash you up, I'm not even joking."
"No!" I say hastily, "You look… great, Pinty. I just thought we were supposed to dress up, you know, formally for our interviews."
"Man ain't no fancy Capitol toff, you get me? Moseph said man could wear whatever I want, as long as I covered my hair."
I stare at her in confusion. Rubis sniggers behind me.
I notice, with a jolt of elation, that Rubis has been dressed to match me. He wears a respectable suit in the same shade of blue as my dress, though it lacks the gold trim and other accessories.
And it doesn't crackle like a Bag for Life when he moves.
On the viewing screen with us backstage, the Capitol anthem plays and thousands of LEDs illuminate the stage.
A hush falls over the tributes as Cesar Flickerman enters the stage.
I notice that his face looks different to previous years.
"Wow." I say, to nobody in particular, "Cesar must be more plastic surgery than man by now."
Anita says, "That's probably true, but that's not Cesar. That's Chazzer Flickerman."
She barely glances at me while talking, keeping her eyes fixed on the screen.
It seems that Edna has really tried to portray the message of peace through Anita's outfit – a floor-length white dress with winged sleeves, like an angel.
"Who's Chazzer?" I ask her.
"The actual presenter of the Hunger Games? You know, Chazzer is supposed to do it every year, but Cesar has to step in all the time because he never shows up."
"Huh." I say.
Rubis turns to me and says, "They acknowledge it every year. How do you not know about that?"
Chazzer Flickerman stands at centre stage, with a huge grin splitting his face. His hair has been victim to an underwhelming dye-job, making it look like a dirty magenta mop.
In contrast to his hair, Chazzer's suit is bright magenta and bedazzled with sequins.
" Heyyyyyyy!" He calls into the microphone, "Welcome! Welcome everyone, to the-"
From the middle of the line, I hear Izzie whisper, "Why does he sound so creepy?"
"Probably because he's a pervert." Says Corvid.
Chazzer continues introducing this year's Games, initiating some witty back-and-fourth with the audience. His job seems right up my street. I immediately peg him as somebody I can look up to.
Maybe I can present the Hunger Games after I win them.
Salto is called out for his interview. It goes just as you would expect of a Career, until Chazzer mentions his age.
"So, Salto. You seem awfully confident for someone so small. If you don't mind me saying, how do you expect to overpower the older kids with a physique more like an eight-year-old girl's?"
Salto wears an innocent expression.
He simply says, "Like this."
He stands and kicks Chazzer sharply in the shin. While the presenter doubles over in surprise, Salto skips off the stage, looking satisfied.
Next is Sugar. She takes a seat next to Chazzer in a pastel green dress, with a red patterned ribbon around one of her space-buns.
Chazzer extends a hand for Sugar to shake. She ignores it entirely.
"Sugar, welcome! How are you feeling tonight?"
"Stabby."
"Well then," Chazzer tries to laugh it off, "I'm lucky there are no knives about!"
Sugar promptly produces two knives from the folds of her dress.
The audience gasps.
"S-security?!" Chazzer stammers, toppling comically backwards over his chair, in an attempt to get away.
"I'm not going to kill you." Says Sugar, "because I want to make it to the Games without being shot. But just know that if I wanted to, I could have your eyeballs on a necklace faster than you could gurgle a pathetic plea for mercy."
Chazzer's eyes widen. He hides his shock by taking his time to sit back down on his chair, which he scrapes further away from Sugar.
"Um… Speaking of unsolicited violence, you volunteered for the Games at age fifteen. Could you tell us more about that?"
"Yes. This whole thing is stupidly unfair. Salto should be having fun, playing with his friends, helping me round up and slaughter the people in our district who deserve it… Not being put in a giant hamster-cage with other kids and forced to kill them. Killing should be done for fun, not because you're forced to. So I'm making sure he wins. Nobody messes with my family and gets away with it."
"Your family? I'm sure our viewers are wondering, what exactly is your relationship to Salto?"
Sugar's eyes narrow.
She says, "We're family. We take care of each other."
"Don't you have your own families?"
"You don't want to be asking about that." Sugar says quietly.
"But the audience is dying to know! One or both of you will be dead soon, there's really no point in maintaining privacy."
"What did you say?"
Pinty blurts, "Is he mad? He's gonna get shanked in a second."
Minx emits a sharp laugh from in front of Rubis and Anita.
She is wearing a cropped vest and leggings, with a chunky belt and buckled boots. Her stylist has detailed her usual steam-punk aesthetic with a layered choker, black lipstick and fingerless gloves.
Minx scoffs, "Chazzer? Yeah, he's pretty dumb. Haven't you heard what he's known for?"
"Nah, fam. Man was a little kid the last time the tosser showed up to his job." Says Pinty.
"He got cancelled 'cause he killed a stylist of something." Minx explains.
From in front of Minx, Mace turns to us with an unamused expression. He is dressed the utter opposite of her, in a pristine white suit with tasteful gold and red details.
Mace says, "He did not kill a stylist. It was a misunderstanding. If you watched his YouTube apology video, you certainly would not feel sorry for her."
"Oh, shut up, rich boy. Stop trying to defend your Capitol buddies."
Rubis inputs, "I heard Chazzer tried to start some kind of séance-based cult."
Minx says, "He thought his girlfriend had superpowers or something."
"Didn't he throw a dildo in her eye?" Anita says casually.
"Oh yeah, he did!" Says Minx.
She, Rubis, Anita and Pinty burst out laughing.
Suddenly, Corvid shouts out, "Woo! Go Sugar!"
On the screen, Sugar has her chair raised above Chazzer, who is lying on the stage. She has clearly already hit him once.
"Yeah! Clart 'im!" Pinty hollers.
Peace-keepers rush onto the stage and wrestle the chair away from Sugar. She is dragged to the other side of the stage, the calm smile never leaving her face.
Chazzer stands shakily, a large bruise blooming on his forehead.
Greg enters next. Halfway through his interview he is demonstrating a choke-hold on Chazzer, who's face is rapidly turning the same purple as his suit.
When Greg finally lets go, Chazzer is wheezing too much to continue with the interview. Greg doesn't need to answer questions to win audience support though. He just tears off his shirt and flexes his bulbous muscles, his skin shimmering under the bright stage lights.
I let out a wistful sigh, then look around, terrified somebody heard me.
I zone in and out as Jess appears next, talking about how it's always been her dream to win the Games. She is followed by the nerdy boy from Three. He fidgets with his hands, and not once do I see him make eye-contact with Chazzer. It seems like every opportunity he gets, he brings his District Partner into the conversation.
When Elsie steps onto the stage, she appears less than pleased with Eugene's interview.
"He seems to think he can protect me." She mutters, "But he's so geeky. I only feel a bit safer with him than on my own; he's weird."
Chazzer says, "Shouldn't you think yourself lucky that your district partner wants to look out for you?"
Elsie scrunches up her face, saying, "Yeah, but I think he has a crush on me. It's gross."
"Well, surely someone protecting you is worth a little compensation?"
"You what?" Elsie says in disbelief.
When she exits the stage, she stamps on Chazzer's foot and flips her ponytail.
Next up is Rob. He talks about his time at Hogwaters, his friends Haddock and Herringmione, and being overshadowed by his family.
"My oldest brother, Carpy, is a successful sea-monster tamer. Krill is a banker, Plaicey is the president's secretary… Even Gred and Gorfe have made it as game-makers, because they're total pranksters, but they're still totally smart, man. They all laugh at me for being clumsy. I can never live up to them. All I wanna do is surf and chill, dude."
"That must be really difficult." Chazzer sympathises.
"Yeah, bro… I'm not that clumsy."
Rob's interview comes to an end. He trips over his own gangly legs on his way past Chazzer, and ends up elbowing him in the ribs.
"My bad. Sorry, man." Says Rob.
He flips his fiery hair out of his eyes and strides off the stage, as though wandering along a beach.
After a second to nurse his bruised ribs, Chazzer announces the next contestant.
"Next up, our Lobsterclaw from District Four… Tuna Lovecod!"
Silence.
At the front of the line, someone nudges Tuna back to the mortal realm. She meanders onto the stage, gazing at a point over Chazzer's shoulder.
"Sorry," she says dreamily, "I was engaged in a delightful conversation with a wrackspurt and I must have got distracted."
"That's alright." Says Chazzer, sharing a bemused look with the audience.
Tuna smiles serenely.
She is dressed almost as strangely as I am, with real shrimps hanging from her earrings, a frilled dress that resembles seaweed, and high-heels covered in barnacles.
Chazzer says, "So, Tuna. I'm curious. Your score was the lowest out of everyone this year. What's your plan to survive?"
Tuna considers her answer for a long moment.
Chazzer is about to prompt her when she says, "I'm willing to engage in combat. I'm quite skilled with a net, and I have a sharp mind."
So far, Tuna's mind seems about as sharp as a cloud, which Chazzer chooses to gloss over.
He asks, "Then could you explain your score of two? Even if you say you can use a net, it doesn't give me much hope for your survival."
"Oh… my score… I was having an off-day, I suppose."
"An off-day?" Chazzer chuckles with the audience, "In the lead-up to the Hunger Games?"
Tuna tilts her head and blinks slowly.
She says, "Well, the training hall was filled with nargles, you see. There are a lot in here too, in fact. I caught a few in a net in my examination, but it seems that the game-makers were unimpressed."
"Are these 'nargles' invisible?"
"Of course."
"That'll be why then."
Chazzer laughs raucously, mirrored by the audience.
A note of warning creeps into Tuna's gentle voice.
"I wouldn't insult the nargles if I were you."
Chazzer returns the conversation to the Games, and soon Tuna's interview is over.
Alone on-stage again, Chazzer says, "Nargles?! Wrackspurts?! Who here has heard of such baloney?! Imagine blaming your terrible training score on made-up-"
Chazzer bursts into a fit of coughs. When his face turns blue from choking, medics rush onto the stage and give him the Heimlich manoeuvre. He coughs up something invisible and swats at his body like he's covered in imaginary cockroaches.
Suddenly, the mutated lizard-boy from Five bursts onto the stage, before his name is even called. Carni snaps at the air around Chazzer, shaking his head violently and assumedly dispelling Tuna's imperceptible creatures.
With a feral look in his eyes, Carni turns on Chazzer, tearing a chunk out of his arm with his teeth. Medics flee and stand in shock as peacekeepers rush on to the stage.
There is a zap of electricity and the reptile collapses into a spasming heap.
With the whole building in a panic, all the lights turn on for an early intermission.
Excited chatter breaks out among the tributes.
"Do you think Chazzer will be ok?" I ask urgently.
"Hopefully not." Says Rubis, "It would be quite humorous if he died before any of us."
Minx says, "I was thinking more along the lines of he deserves it for what he did to that stylist."
"No cap." Says Pinty.
Anita says, "Surely he doesn't deserve to die though…"
I nod.
"Yes he does." Says Rubis.
"Why?" I ask, "I mean, I'm not saying you're wrong, Rubis – I would never disagree with you – but why does he deserve death?"
"Is he a person?"
"Yes-"
"-arguably a human-Botox hybrid." Anita inputs.
"There you go then." Says Rubis.
Pinty says, "But you're a person too, fam."
"I am a superior entity. Please get it right." Says Rubis.
I say, "Yes, you are."
I smile and give him a flirty nudge.
Pinty mimes vomiting.
Minx says, "Right, while I go looking for ear-bleach, I'm gonna pick up some pretzels. Anyone else want some?"
Rubis, Anita, Pinty and I all say yes.
"Got it. Four bags of pretzels."
Minx skips off before I can ask who out of the five of us isn't getting any.
Now that Minx is gone, Mace seems more willing to talk.
He says, "I wonder why they didn't just shoot Carni when he went berserk? It seems the most efficient thing to do."
Pinty responds, "He's entertaining, in't he? If they put their own health above entertainment, theyd've shot Midnight, still."
"That's true!" I say, finally glad that Pinty acknowledges my capabilities, "I am the most dangerous here, with my modest score of eleven."
Pinty snorts, "Man was on about mental health, cuz. Shut up."
Mace mumbles, "And here's me trying to have a sophisticated conversation with poor people."
Minx returns with five bags of pretzels in her arms. She must have misspoken when she said four.
On her way back down the line, she hands a pack to Izzie, who smiles happily.
Minx returns to us, handing Rubis, Anita and Pinty a bag each, and tearing into one herself.
"Just in time." She says, "The intermission's over."
As she speaks, the lights dim and the Capitol anthem starts up again.
"Where are my pretzels?" I demand.
They all hush me.
Pinty elbows me roughly and says, "Shut up, bruv. It's starting innit."
I sneak around Anita to tap Rubis on the shoulder.
I whisper, "Rubis, can we share-"
"No."
"Ok."
I step back in line to watch the show.