Chapter Twenty Three
Draco, Pansy and Daphne were waiting up for Harry in the common room, even though it was well past midnight when Harry finally made it through the portrait hole.
"How did it go?" Pansy asked, pushing a mug of hot chocolate towards him.
Harry took a sip of the warming liquid and sat back, "I'm not sure…"
His friends didn't push him, something he was grateful for, but gave him a few minutes to think.
"It was more memories, firstly one of this old… ass hole. He bought Slytherin's old necklace from Voldemort's mother. She was about to give birth and desperate and he only gave her ten galleons. He thought it was a brilliant deal, it was the only thing she had and he might as well of stolen it from her." Harry said, "Even he admitted she'd looked desperate."
"How awful." Draco said, shaking his head, "Slytherin's necklace would be worth at least a thousand times that!"
Harry shuffled closer, "The worst bit was… you know she died? Just after Voldemort was born?"
His friends nodded.
"Dumbledore seemed to think that she chose to die, to leave her baby all alone!" Harry said quickly.
"That can't be true! She wouldn't!" Daphne gasped.
Harry shook his head, "No I don't think so. I think she was just so hurt by everything she lost her magic. But what was the worst bit was… well… Dumbledore, he didn't seem to think it mattered why she died, just that she did."
"Well… I suppose that either way You-Know-Who was left alone…" Pansy said slowly.
"But it still matters! Whether or not it was a choice!" Harry pointed out, trying not to raise his voice.
"Of course it does." Pansy agreed, "I was just trying to see his logic."
"It worries me," Daphne said, shifting uncomfortably in her seat, "if he thinks that only the destination is important, not peoples' actions and how they get there."
Harry nodded, "I was worried I was being over dramatic but that's what I thought."
"What else did he show you?" Pansy asked.
"Young Voldemort." Harry said, this was what he was struggling with the most, "He was… he was eleven, just about to come to Hogwarts for the first time. He grew up in the blank, horrible place. The lady who ran it, Mrs Cole, she was nice enough but she clearly didn't love him or anything. She was a bit scared of him I think."
"Was he awful back then as well then?" Draco asked.
Harry shook his head, "No, maybe… I don't know. He clearly had issues; he used to hurt the other kids, he killed one of their pet rabbits. I mean… he said he didn't but it was likely."
"That's awful!" Pansy gasped, Draco and Daphne looking equally as horrified.
Harry nodded, "It is, totally but at the same time, he just looked… he looked really scared and so alone. I felt for him a bit." he felt ashamed making the admission.
"Do you think this is the plan then?" Draco asked, sitting back in his seat and thinking, "To make you see Voldemort as a human?"
Harry shook his head, "No, no I really don't think so. Dumbledore seemed… disappointed? Maybe? I'm not sure when he seemed but I am sure that sympathy for Voldemort wasn't what he was aiming for."
"They seem like strange memories to be showing you if he doesn't want you to feel some sympathy." Pansy pointed out, wrinkling her nose.
"I think… I think he felt I was focusing on the wrong bits." Harry said, standing up and pacing back and forth, "he wanted to show me the bad stuff. The killing of the rabbit, traumatising those two children, stealing stuff… it's like Dumbledore hadn't even really noticed the loneliness. He just saw it as independence."
"I think…" Draco sighed, "I think maybe he just wants you to see how evil You-Know-Who was from day one."
"But I didn't see that." Harry tried to explain, "I don't think anyone is born evil, and to be honest what Dumbledore showed me made me more sure of that, not less."
The cloak chimed loudly, informing them that is was two in the morning.
"I think we should get some sleep." Harry said, running a hand through his hair.
"Do you think you'll be able to sleep?" Daphne asked.
Harry shrugged and then nodded, "I should try, we all should."
Harry and Draco said goodnight and walked up the opposite staircase to Pansy and Daphne and quietly opened the door to their dorm.
Blaise, Crabbe and Goyle were already asleep and neither Harry or Draco had any desire to wake them up. Harry slowly pulled on his pyjamas, thinking mostly about James.
He climbed into the warm bed and tried to empty his mind, it didn't work.
"Draco?…" Harry whispered.
Draco turned over in his bed and adjusted his pillow, "Are you OK?"
Harry attempted to shrug, something that wasn't easy while lying down and tucked up in bed, "I just… do you think people look at what happened the night James died, and think he abandoned me and Mum?"
Draco propped himself up on his elbow so he could look at Harry better in the dim light that filtered through the underwater window and the bottom of the door.
"What on earth are you talking about?" Draco asked.
Harry rolled over and propped himself up as well, "Well… with what Dumbledore said, about it not mattering why people died, just that they did, that they… he, left? Did he abandoned me?"
Draco sighed and took a deep breath, "I hope I rarely have to tell you this, Harry… but you're being a prick!"
Harry snorted a laugh, "Thanks."
"I mean it!" Draco insisted, "Look, I know you miss him, that's normal but whatever Dumbledore, or anyone else thinks your father, James, he died to save your life! You and Lily's! And she would of died in a second to save you as well."
"But… I mean he still left…" Harry tried to explain, "at the end of the day, what is the difference?"
Draco sat up fully, he could tell that this was something that was going to bother his friend for a while and couldn't understand why Dumbledore would want to put something like that, the feeling of being abandoned, in Harry's head.
"Love." Draco shrugged, "Your father left you in love, and for love of you and your mother he wanted to protect you. He could of left, he could of run and saved himself… that would have been abandoning you."
Harry felt a flood of relief that he couldn't explain to anyone. He knew in his heart that the only way that 'this', that his 'destiny', would only end one of two ways; with Voldemort's death or his own and he was determined that if he was to die, he would drag Voldemort kicking and screaming with him.
But he didn't want to be remembered for abandoning those that his loved, his friends and his family, Danica…
Harry needed them to know he would never choose to leave them that he loved them and… he couldn't breath.
Harry sat up and pulled his pyjama top off, hoping it would stop his chest from feeling so tight.
He would die for them, he knew that now. The world seemed painfully clear before him all of a sudden.
If he needed to die, he would, without a second thought.
Harry knew that sleep was long gone for him now, so lay back down quietly in his bed until he heard gentle breathing from the bed next to him, telling him that Draco was asleep.
He climbed out of bed, shoving his feet into his slippers and grabbing his letter writing kit from the trunk before creeping from the dorm and down to the common room.
It was strange, being the only one there in amongst the sofas, chairs and banked up fires. Harry walked on auto pilot to his normal seat and sat down pulling out the first sheet of creamy white parchment and set about writing several letters.
Daphne, Pansy, Hagrid, Hermione, Neville, Draco, his mother, Remus, Tonks, Nikka, Severus, all flowed easily from his quill, he knew exactly what they would need to hear, what he would want them to remember, to feel.
Sirius was more difficult, the idea of them never meeting again was a physical pain in Harry's chest. The idea that Sirius would have to wake up and get the news it was Harry who was no longer there was impossible to put into words but somehow Harry managed.
Danica… Harry didn't even know who she would be in a few years. She was already growing so fast and he hated the idea that he would miss it, miss finding out who she would become.
Cho… how was Harry meant to write a letter to her? Sorry another boyfriend has gone and died on you? Are we actually dating? I don't really understand my feelings for you let alone understand yours!
Harry scrunched several sheets of paper up, throwing them into the fire before he had the perfect letter for everyone in his life who would need one should the worst happen.
Harry took several deep breaths and sat back in the comfortable armchair and looked at the pile of envelopes sitting on the table before him, it felt like a huge weight had been lifted from his mind.
Harry pulled out his wand and pointed at one of the few empty envelopes left, making a mental note to get some more next Hogsmead trip, and enlarged it to fit all of the filled envelopes inside. Licking the strange sticky stuff he sealed the biggest envelope with all the others inside and wrote 'In Case Of The Worst' in big letters on the front.
He grabbed the invisibility cloak from his chest, the rest of the dorm still sleeping softly, and left the Slytherin common room.
It wasn't a long walk to the kitchens and the corridors were mostly empty, the sunlight just starting to brighten the sky outside but it would still be more than an hour until it was light outside.
The kitchens were already bustling with life as the dozens of house elves got to work on starting breakfast.
Harry stood slightly awkwardly in the doorway, waiting for one of them to notice him as he didn't want to interrupt them when they were clearly so busy.
"Harry… Harry Potter?" a small house elf asked, her nose looking exactly like a squashed tomato.
"Winky?" Harry asked, taking a few steps closer, still clutching at his envelope.
The house elf put down a large bag of flour on the table and wiped her hands on her pillowcase-dress uniform, "Yeses. That's me sirs."
Harry was surprised and pleased to see she was apparently not drowning herself in bottles of butter beer any more.
"It's… it's good to see you." Harry said, "You look well."
"Winky is doings betterer." Winky nodded, "Still has badder days but more gooder days as well."
Harry smiled, "That's really good."
"It's earlys." Winky pointed out, "is there somethings you are wanting?"
Harry nodded, "Umm, yeah. I was wondering if I could talk to Dobby, I need to ask him a favour, a really big favour… but only if he's not too busy."
Winky nodded and darted off into the steam filled room. A few moments later Dobby came towards Harry smiling broadly. He was wearing several pairs of socks and a large chefs hat as well as the normal Hogwarts pillowcase.
"Mast' Harry Potter!" Dobby beamed, bowing low, "How can I helps you?"
Harry looked around the busy kitchen and felt awkward about everyone else hearing what he had to ask. Dobby seemed to pick this up and suggested they go to the fridge where it would be quiet.
Harry followed the small elf into a medium sized, very cold room that was filled with rows and rows of shelves, all stacked with huge quantities of things that you would normally find in a fridge, just enough to feed several hundred for a week or two.
As Dobby had said it was very quiet, they couldn't hear even the smallest sound from the main kitchen. Harry let out a breath, watching the steam from his mouth float and dissipate in the air.
"I… how are you doing Dobby?" Harry asked.
Dobby smiled, "I is very well Master Harry Potter. I is loveings my work in the kitchens. I now makes little other than pancakes at this time of days. I is most good at them!"
Harry couldn't help but grin at the elf's enthusiasm, "I'm glad you seem to be doing well. And I saw that Winky seems better."
Dobby nodded, "We has been helping her lots and lots. She needed much crying and cuddles but is gettings so much betterer. Dobby was able to helps, telling her to understands that sometime what your head tells you is not the true."
Harry nodded.
"Is there somethings you needed to ask me, Harry Potter?" Dobby asked, his eyes fixing on the large envelope.
Harry nodded again, "I need to ask you a favour, a huge favour."
"Anythings." Dobby assured him.
"In this envelope are letters, letters to everyone that I love, that I think would need a few last words should… should the worst happen to me." Harry said, forcing his voice to stay steady.
Dobby looked worriedly at Harry, "Is Harry Potter ill?"
Harry shook his head and perched himself on one of the shelves, "No, no nothing like that. I just… it just kinda hit me that I might not make it though this and if that's the case, I want to be able to say goodbye."
Dobby looked unsure of what to say, but took the envelope from Harry slowly.
"If I die, I need you to open the envelope and hand out the letters inside. I also need you to not tell anyone about this until I… if I die." Harry said, "Please promise me you will keep this a secret?"
Dobby nodded furiously, "Yes Harry Potter, Dobby promises! Dobby promises on his position at Hogwarts!"
Harry smiled, "Thank you Dobby, it really does mean a lot to me."
Dobby gave Harry a big hug and tucked the envelope inside his pillowcase, "Dobby will keep envelope safe here until after breakfast rush and then Dobby will hide it under his mattress were no ones will finds it."
"Thanks Dobby. It means I a lot." Harry said.
"Master Potter should get back to beds before he is missed." Dobby said, flapping his ears, "Your letters and the secret is safes with Dobby."
Harry thanked him again and threw back on the invisibility cloak, before making his way back to bed.