Rayna
She was leaving the next day to go out as an opener on Diamond Rio's tour. She was excited about it because it was a big tour. And they had asked for her, which made it even more special. Jared was touring with George Strait and had left the week before. Privately, she was envious of the fact that he was touring with one of the biggest country acts, but Diamond Rio was not anything to be sneezed at. The biggest artist that year was Garth Brooks and it would have been quite the deal for either of them to have landed on his tour. So she was satisfied, but she would miss Jared. There would be times for them to see each other, when they were both back in town, but she had gotten used to him being around. She tried not to think about the fact that they would be apart a lot more than they would be together and that maybe he'd find someone he liked better.
Her bus was packed and ready to go. She had auditioned and hired a really good lead guitar player for her band, a young guy named Charlie. During rehearsals it had confirmed for her that he would be a good stage partner for her. She hoped the 2 of them could start accumulating some solid names to fill other potential openings in her band. Actually, Michael would come up with the lists, but she and Charlie would choose. She already had a great drummer, but she was hoping to eventually replace her bass player, as well as add either a mandolin or fiddle player. Or both. She had also added 2 back up singers she was excited about. The bus would be a little crowded but she was confident it would help them gel as a team. And she was already talking to Michael about a larger bus for the following year.
She was on her way over to the label office for a meeting with Michael and Watty to start talking about her next album. Cowgirls Love Too Hard had gone triple platinum and Southside of Love was already platinum, hopefully moving towards double. She had one holdover song from Southside so she would need to work on what else she would put on the record. She wanted this record to have more songs that she wrote herself. Now that she was getting more comfortable with writing, she hoped to do more writing on her own.
She pulled into the small parking lot in front of the building that housed Edgehill Records. She smiled as she looked at the once rundown house where she'd signed her first record deal. She was proud of the fact that she'd helped put Edgehill on the map. Actually, she felt like she'd been the one responsible for helping to build the company. The rundown house was now renovated, refreshed, and added on to and it wouldn't be long before the label would be moving into new offices further down on Music Row, closer to the big wheels. She got out of her car and quickly made her way to the front door. When she walked in, she smiled at the receptionist.
"Hey there, Sally," she said.
"Hey Rayna. When do you head out with Diamond Rio?"
"Tomorrow." She grinned. "I can't wait."
"You'll knock 'em dead, I know. Watty and Michael are back in his office waiting for you."
"Thanks." She walked down the hall behind the lobby and found Michael's office. Just as Sally had said, Watty and Michael were already talking, sitting at the round table in the corner of the office. "Hey there, y'all," she said as she walked in. Both men stood and she hugged each one before setting her purse on the floor and sitting down.
Watty briefly put his hand on hers and then smiled. "I'm excited about this tour for you. I'm going to make it a point to come out to a show to see how things are going."
She smiled back. "Great. I think we've nailed down a good set list" – she glanced over at Michael – "and rehearsals went well. Charlie's doing a great job and I think the back up singers are really going to add something to the performance."
"I know it's a little early to start talking about the new record, but with you being out on the road until October, I want to be sure we're set up to get in the studio as soon as possible after you get back," Michael said. "We don't have much carryover from the last record."
"We've got Home Again."
Watty nodded. "And that's a really good one. Good up tempo song." He paused. "Are you going to write more for this one?"
"Yes, I'm planning to. I'll have time on the bus and, you know, when I'm back here in town. I'd love some help with cowrite appointments, but I want to try to get at least half of the songs to be songs I write by myself. I'm feeling more comfortable doing that."
Michael nodded. "Great. So, one thing I wanted to let you know is that we're going to pair you up with a new producer for this record."
She frowned. "Why? What was wrong with Dylan?"
"Nothing," Watty said. "But Michael and I both agree you need a more experienced producer for this next record. Maybe even for several going forward. So we've got an agreement with Randy Roberts."
"Oh wow." Randy Roberts was one of the top young producers in Nashville, having produced albums for Vince Gill, Alan Jackson, Tracy Lawrence, and Wynonna. "That's fantastic."
"His schedule fills up quick, as you can imagine. So we've locked him down for 3 weeks in October. Basically just a few days after you get back in town. We'll need to get him the songs and demos as soon as we can," Michael said.
She sat back, feeling just a little overwhelmed. But then she breathed in deeply. This was her opportunity. She would write all the songs for her record and that would be more than many female artists were doing. She smiled. "I'll start to work on it immediately."
It was turning out to be a great year. She was deep into Diamond Rio's tour as one of the opening acts. She had a 30 minute set every night and she was seeing a really positive reaction to her music and fans singing along to her hits. She and Michael had worked on a line of merchandise that included t-shirts, guitar picks, and decals and she was pleased to see it selling fairly well. She didn't make a lot of money from it, but it made her happy to know fans were buying it. She hoped that one day soon she could do more.
Things with Jared were going well. Whenever they were both in Nashville at the same time, they spent time together. They tended to stay out of the spotlight most of the time, so they weren't subjected to a lot of relationship chatter, and that was fine with her. Touring could be exhausting and whenever she had a few days' break, she didn't want to do anything more than relax. She was glad Jared felt the same. She did sometimes wonder about what things were like on the road for him. Were there groupies? Were there female crew members that tried cozying up to him? It wasn't unusual for guys on tour to pick up a woman at various tour stops, even if they were married or in a serious relationship. She saw that on her own tour, and she felt that it would be no different on George Strait's tour. Jared assured her he just went back to the hotel and crashed, and she decided it was better to believe him in the absence of anything to the contrary.
She had written almost half the songs for her upcoming album by herself. That had felt like such an accomplishment, and it felt affirming. She still wrote with other people – and probably felt more comfortable doing that – but she was happy that she could bring something to the table. She had contributed to every song for the album, and she was looking forward to recording it and then being able to release it. Her dream was coming to fruition, both personally and professionally.
So why doesn't it feel more fulfilling? Why do I feel like something's still missing?
She closed the door behind the hair and makeup team she'd hired for the evening. Then she raced back to her bedroom and stood in front of the full length mirror she had in her room. She touched her hair, which was flowing down over her shoulders and upper arms. The woman who'd styled her hair had made soft waves from her hairline all the way to the ends and she loved it. She'd never worn her hair this way before and she thought she might need to do it more often going forward. She liked how she looked. Her makeup was perfection. She leaned closer to the mirror. She loved the soft blush on her cheeks, the smoky eye that had a little glam to it. She felt almost like a princess.
She turned and went into her closet where her gown hung on the back of the door. She held it out, smiling. She had selected her own dress and she was happy with her choice. It was a very light blush colored satin, with a sweetheart neckline and cap sleeves. The bodice was fitted as well, with a full skirt covered in the very lightest tulle material. She took the dress off the hanger and stepped into it, pulling it up and sliding her arms into the sleeves. She reached behind her and zipped it up. She rearranged her hair and then walked back to the mirror. She was happy with what she saw. She went over to her vanity and picked up the earrings she was wearing, a very ornate pair of rose gold chandelier earrings, plus a necklace to match that fell just to the top of her cleavage. She stepped into the rose gold stiletto sandals and then went back to the mirror. She smoothed the dress down with her hands and breathed in deeply.
It was a big night. The CMA awards. The last 2 years she'd gone by herself, sitting with all the other non-nominees and guests. She had watched it on TV prior to that and always loved seeing the women all dressed up and the men looking handsome, whether they were dressed up or down. She loved seeing her heroes win awards and sing their big hits. It was exciting to be a part of it all. This year she was going with Jared, who'd been nominated for the Horizon Award, which was for best new artist. There always seemed to be a little fudging on the term 'new', as it wasn't unusual for a newer artist to be nominated 2 or more times. They would be sitting with all the other people who'd been nominated, and she was excited. It was also going to be the first time she and Jared were out together at a big event. Their relationship was common knowledge now, but this was a big deal.
The doorbell rang and she hurriedly put on her jewelry and raced to the front door as fast as her stilettos would allow.
Everything leading up to the announcement of the winner of the Horizon Award was magic. It was everything she'd ever dreamed of. Jared looked gorgeous in his black suit, his white shirt unbuttoned, and his black boots. It was a pleasantly warm late September night and there were photographers and journalists everywhere along the path to the Grand Ole Opry House, where the show was staged. There were lots of photographs taken of the two of them together and everyone wanted to know about the latest country couple. When she saw the pictures later, she thought she and Jared had made a very good looking couple.
Jared reached for her hand as Tanya Tucker read the names for the nominees for the Horizon Award. Suzy Bogguss. Jared Boone. Brooks & Dunn. Pam Tillis. Trisha Yearwood. And the winner is... Suzy Bogguss. She held her breath, focusing on keeping the smile on her face, as Jared squeezed her hand so hard she wanted to cry. He let go so that they could politely clap for the winner, and it was several minutes before her hand stopped throbbing.
When the camera moved away, Jared said, "That fucking sucks", in an angry whisper.
"I'm sorry, babe," she whispered back. "It should have been you."
He looked at her and scowled, although she knew he wasn't angry with her. "You're damn right it shoulda been me." For the rest of the night he sat almost stone still, except for the times he got up and headed for the bar backstage. By the time they left, he smelled of bourbon, and she thought it was a good thing they had a limo afterwards.
When they got in the limo, he leaned forward and said to the driver, "We're dropping her off at her place", then settled back.
She looked at him, confused. She thought they were going to his label's CMA after party. "I thought..."
He sat, staring straight ahead, his body tense, his elbow on the arm rest and his finger tapping against his cheek. "I can't do this tonight," he said, his voice low and angry.
"Okay," she said quietly, but it really was far from okay. She understood that he was disappointed, but this anger took her by surprise. She slowly sat back in her seat, gazing out of her window, until the limo pulled up to her building. Before she got out, she glanced over at Jared, but he was still sitting with his gaze fixed outside. She shrugged, then sighed, and got out of the car, watching as the limo slid back out onto the street.
The next morning she woke up feeling unsettled. When she sat up in her bed, she saw the beautiful gown from the night before, looking a little forlorn in the morning light as it hung outside of her closet. The shoes were tossed to the side. She knew Jared was keen on moving up the ranks in the country music hierarchy and she knew he was hopeful that he'd win the Horizon Award, signaling the fact that he'd made it, at least that far. She had not been aware that it had meant that much to him. It was something she hoped for too, but she didn't necessarily need the awards, although she wouldn't turn them down. She'd also been a little surprised with just how upset he apparently was.
She got out of bed and went out to her kitchen, putting water on for tea. While she waited, she suddenly recalled some of the dreams she'd had the night before. Or where they just wishful thoughts? Instead of Jared being the one sitting next to her, it had been the mystery man from the Bluebird. And she was the one who'd won the award and he had kissed her before she walked up to the stage. She dreamt of them dancing but then it had vanished into darkness. Only he was there again, out on the street somewhere, smiling at her. She didn't understand why he kept creeping into her thoughts. And maybe he wasn't the kind, gentle, loving man she dreamed him into being. This is so weird. She was surprised he was still so vivid in her memories.
She had just poured the hot water into the cup with the tea bag when a knock came at her door. When she opened it, it was someone delivering a beautiful bouquet with two dozen long-stemmed red roses and a card that read 'Please forgive me. Love you, Jared'. She smiled as she tipped the delivery person and then sighed as she walked back to her kitchen to put the flowers in a vase.
She thought it was probably 2 or 3 in the morning. She should have been sleeping, but she wasn't tired at all. She was a little buzzy from the bourbon she'd drunk, but she felt like she was on top of the world. She and Jared had celebrated at the number 1 party for Ball & Chain. It was her first number 1 – although she wished it had been for a solo song – and it certainly was something to celebrate. She was alone in the big bed with the soft sheets in the house on a hill that overlooked downtown Nashville, but she wouldn't be alone for long. Just as she thought that she saw Jared in the doorway and he smiled at her. She smiled back as he walked over to the bed and then got in under the sheets, pulling her flush against him.
He kissed her. "Mm, Miss Rayna, you do taste sweeter'n honey," he murmured.
She giggled. "Maybe it's the bourbon," she said. He put his hand on her bottom, pressing her against him. He was hard against her stomach and it did make her wet. She liked sex and she liked it with Jared. It made her feel like she was special, like she was important to him.
"I don't know about that. All I know is I want all of you. Right now." He rolled her onto her back, and she gasped as he almost immediately thrust himself inside her. He smiled down at her. "You like this, I can tell."
She nodded. "I do." Except she didn't. Well, that wasn't completely true. She liked it fine, it just wasn't... exciting. Not like she'd thought it would be. But then maybe she'd expected too much or just something different. But it was fine. He could get the job done. Then just as she came – and she moaned because she knew he liked to hear her do that – she thought she heard him say, very softly, marry me.
It was at the Academy of Country Music awards ceremony when she thought she saw the mystery man. She and Jared had attended since he was nominated in the New Male Vocalist category. She hoped he won because she didn't want a repeat of what had happened at the CMAs. They were staying in a very upscale hotel in LA, and he had surprised her with roses and champagne before the show. She was wearing a white sheath dress, with thin straps that crossed over in the back. Her hair had been loosely piled on top of her head, a few tendrils pulled out for a sexier look. She'd put on all her jewelry – flashy gold earrings with blue sapphires and a blue sapphire statement necklace, along with several bracelets and rings. She looked at herself in the hotel room mirror, satisfied with how she looked.
Jared walked up behind her and put his hands on her arms, pressing himself against her back. He smiled and she smiled back at him. "You look gorgeous, darlin'. You'll be the prettiest girl on the red carpet. Everyone's gonna say it and wish they were me, 'cause I'm with you. In fact, if you weren't already in your nice dress, I'd have to fuck you right now."
She tried not to wince. As much as she loved Jared, he could be crude sometimes. Maybe that was his small town upbringing, raised by a single dad who was a farmer. She hadn't met Jared's father – and Jared didn't seem to want her to – so she didn't know if it was his influence or not. He treated her well – he loved taking her out on the town – and he loved her too. That's what he said, and she had no reason to doubt it.
He had never said anything else about marriage since the night after the number 1 party and she had decided she was wrong when she thought she heard it. Which was fine with her. She was just 21 after all and not ready for that, although she did want a marriage and a family one day. She turned to face him, running her hand over the lapel on his jacket. "Well, I guess that'll have to wait," she said with a smile.
"Yeah, I guess so. Hopefully we'll be celebrating my big win." A frown briefly crossed his face. "Surely to god the ACMs are smarter than the CMAs."
She kept smiling. "Surely."
There he was on stage that night. Clint Black was one of the performers late in the show. She'd been excited about Brooks & Dunn's wins, as she was touring with them that year. Jared hadn't won but at least he wasn't being a jerk about it this time. Clint and Wynonna were releasing a duet they were performing on the show. As they began singing, she focused first on them and then let her eyes wander to the band. She was suddenly drawn to the guitar player. They were sitting about 8 rows back, but she was sure it was him. Playing guitar. Doing a little harmony. She leaned forward slightly, hoping to see a little more clearly. He was farther away from her than he'd been at the Bluebird, but she knew without a doubt that it was him.
She felt butterflies in her stomach. She breathed in deeply, then let it out slowly. She wondered what had happened to him since the Bluebird.
She lay awake for a long time after she and Jared got back to the hotel. She couldn't get her mind off the guitar player, the guy from the Bluebird. She tried to keep her mind focused on Jared as he made love to her, and she figured she must have acted like she was enjoying it and in the moment, because he rolled away afterwards and fell asleep. She rolled onto her side, facing away from him, unable to stop her mind from spinning. She knew Jared wasn't the man of her dreams, but he was someone she'd been attracted to and she loved being with him and they were pretty happy together and that was what it was all about. Right? He was the guy she'd had a crush on and then he noticed her and everything else was like a fairy tale. Right? She was part of a star-crossed couple, the young lovebirds of country music, and she was happy with that. Right?
She finally fell asleep, her dreams all over the place. She couldn't remember any of them the next morning, but she knew they'd included her mystery man.
There was a part of her that wished she could have had the kind of wedding she'd always thought she'd have. The wedding with the beautiful white dress and beautiful flowers and a groom dressed in a sharp tux, surrounded by all the people she loved. Instead, she was standing in a chapel in Las Vegas wearing a white sundress and slightly hungover. Jared was in jeans and a white button down shirt that was untucked, probably a little more hungover than she was. And there, in all his glory, was a hefty Elvis, conducting the ceremony. Afterwards they went back to their hotel, drank some more champagne, and then made love until the sun came up.
The next morning, as she stood in the shower, looking down at the plain – and cheap – wedding band on her left hand, she wondered if they had done the right thing. It had surprised her, when they were getting ready to check out of the hotel in LA, when Jared had said 'let's go to Vegas.'
"To Vegas? Why? We both are back out on tour at the end of the week."
He shrugged, a boyish smile on his face. His hair was falling over one eye and he looked like he had something up his sleeve. Which he did. "Let's go get married in Vegas," he said.
"What? Are you crazy?" She was shocked by the suggestion.
He walked over to her and put his arms around her waist, pulling her towards him. He kissed her on the lips. "Crazy about you, darlin'," he said with a cheeky smile. "Come on. Let's do it. You love me. I love you. It'll just be a day and then we're back in Nashville. Plenty of time to get back on the road."
"But that doesn't make sense. We'd get married and then we would go out on the road. Separately."
"We'd be back in town the next week. Together." He gave her a puppy dog look. "Come on, let's do it. I think you want to." Then he kissed her again, except this time it was a deep, lingering kiss, and she had to admit it was sort of fun to think about doing something so spur of the moment like that.
She pulled back and looked up at him. "Okay," she said. "Let's do it."
She'd gotten so caught up in the fun of it that she didn't take the time to think about whether it was really what she wanted or the right timing or anything. Jared was the guy every woman her age was hot for and that included her. Mostly. But why not marry Jared? She did love him. And as time went on everything would work itself out and they'd have babies and a beautiful house and maybe they could even have a big wedding later, after their tours were over. It would be fine.
She got out of the shower and dried off, slipping on the robe that was in the hotel room. She padded out to the room, where Jared was still asleep. She went and sat next to him on the bed and used her fingers to slide his hair off his forehead. He opened his eyes, squinting at her. She smiled. "Good morning."
He smiled back, a lazy sleepy smile. "Morning. Mrs. Boone."
She laughed, deciding it wasn't the time to tell him she wasn't going to change her name.
Deacon
When he checked into the hotel in Buffalo, he had a message to call Sam, that it was urgent. It made him nervous, and he called as soon as he got to the room. "What's going on? The message said it was urgent," he said when she answered.
"Your sister called," she said. "Your mom is really sick and in the hospital." He didn't say anything at first. "Deacon, are you still there?"
He breathed out. "Yeah, I'm here."
"Your sister seemed to think you needed to be there, but I'll let you decide. She didn't really tell me much else."
"Well, Bev can be kind of, um, high strung. You know. So maybe it ain't so dire. I'll call her though and let you know."
"Sounds good." There was a brief pause. "How are things going?" He was on tour with Clint Black, filling in for one of his guitar players who'd taken a year off.
"Good. Different from Merle."
"Better? Worse?"
"Um, some of both, I guess."
"Well, let me know what happens when you talk to your sister, and I guess I'll see you in a few days." Sam wasn't much for talking on the phone and their phone conversations were generally short, without much depth.
"I will." He hung up and then sat on the bed for a few minutes, thinking about whether or not to call Beverly. He finally decided he should since Bev's moods were pretty mercurial. If he didn't call, she'd just call Sam again. He sighed deeply and then picked up the receiver again and called his sister. "Hey, Bev," he said when she answered.
"Deacon, Mama's in the hospital." She sounded frantic and he wasn't sure if it was because of their mom or if it was just one of her manic episodes. Their mom was deeply depressed and had anxiety issues and Beverly had sort of inherited her shaky mental health. There were times when it was like Bev was on a high, all of her actions and reactions to things being sweeping and grandiose, and other times when she was deeply depressed. She'd been hospitalized several times as her doctors worked to adjust her medications and help her with coping skills, much of which she failed to do.
"What's going on?"
"She's been sick for a couple weeks and was just getting weaker, so I finally got her to go to the doctor and they put her in the hospital. She'd had trouble breathing and just seemed to be sleeping all the time."
"So what do you want me to do?"
"I want you to come here and help me." Her tone was sharp and angry.
"Help you with what, Bev? If she's in the hospital, they're taking care of her, right? And you got Dad there too, right?"
"No," she said emphatically. "He just left when she got sick. Just walked out of the house and drove off. Said he was done with all this." He heard her dramatic sigh. "I need your help, Deacon."
He knew that things were rarely as dire as Beverly would make them sound. "Beverly, I'm out on the road. If Mama's in the hospital, I'm sure they've got things under control."
"You don't get it, Deacon," she said, her voice rising. "I think she's giving up. And I can't do all this by myself."
"Why would she be giving up, Bev?" He didn't have time for this.
"I don't know, Deacon. But she is. I can see it."
"Listen, Bev. Give it a couple days and see how things are and then let me know. I'm sure she's gonna get better. But I got to get over to the arena for sound check." That wasn't true, but he needed to get off the phone. Talking to Beverly was difficult, even in the best of times, and he didn't want to get caught up in her drama. "I gotta go," he said, over top of her screeching on the other end, and hung up the phone.
As he sat on the edge of the bed, he found himself struggling to breathe, a tightness in his throat. His heart was pounding, and his chest hurt. He knew he was having a panic attack and he kept struggling to get his breathing under control, starting to feel lightheaded. A remnant of the life he'd led before leaving Natchez for Nashville, he didn't have panic attacks as much anymore, but Beverly's obvious manic behavior had triggered this. He looked up to the ceiling, opening and closing his eyes, trying to figure out how to get it under control, when he had the sense of a hand on his shoulder. There was soft whispering, but he couldn't make out the words, then the hand moved to his back, moving in gentle circles until the panic feelings began to subside. He was finally able to breathe in deeply and he shook off the feeling of being out of control. He leaned forward, his elbows on his knees, burying his face in his hands.
He knew the hand on his back and the soft whispers were her. He didn't even know her and yet he could feel her presence. Something that should have felt ridiculous actually felt calming. It wasn't really possible, of course, but it felt real. Very, very real.
It was the next day, just before he was leaving to go to sound check, when Beverly called. He supposed Sam had just given her the number instead of acting as go between. Considering Sam and Beverly had never met, it always surprised him how disinterested Sam was in his family, Beverly in particular. And Beverly had no charitable feelings towards Sam. He didn't really care, mainly because he knew how difficult Beverly could be, but it was as though they had each sensed something about the other and decided to steer clear.
"Well, I was right, baby brother," Beverly snarled as soon as he answered.
"Hello, Bev." He shook his head. His anxiety perked up the second he heard her voice. "What were you right about?"
"She's gone, Deacon." Suddenly her voice was filled with sorrow and he could tell she was trying to hold back emotion. "Mama's gone. Just like I told you."
He sat down, not sure exactly what to say. He'd thought she was exaggerating, making something out of nothing, just like she so often did. When he was still at home, she would use it to try to pull him into something he didn't want to be a part of. He started to feel the pressure in his chest and he fought to breathe. Plus it was his mom. She'd had a hard life, just like he and Beverly had.
"Deacon. Are you there?" Beverly was starting to sound agitated.
He cleared his throat, breathing in as deeply as he could. "Yeah," he said, feeling a knot in his chest. "I'm here."
"I need you to be here, Deacon."
There was a show that night and then the band would head back to Nashville on the bus. He tried to think but was struggling a bit. He had to go, that much he knew for sure. He'd figure something out after the show. "I'll be there tomorrow," he said.
"I need you now, Deacon. I can't do this by myself." He could hear that she was starting to spiral.
"I can't make it until tomorrow, Beverly," he said, his voice tight. "I'll see you then." Then he hung up. He got up from the bed, then picked up his key card and headed out the door. As the door was closing behind him, he could hear the phone ringing.
He'd been flying all day. He was on the last leg of the flight that had started around 6 AM that morning and he still had an hour and a half car ride from Alexandria to Natchez. He felt sweaty and nasty. His mouth was dried out from the booze he'd had on the leg before the one he was on. His head hurt. he'd slept some but not enough. He thought about what he was headed towards. Beverly was a mess. Apparently Gideon was gone, which was a blessing as far as he was concerned. He had a hard time feeling sad, which didn't completely surprise him. Their mom had tried but had really not been much help over the years. He couldn't recall the last time he'd spoken to her. He felt a little bad about that, but probably not as much as he should have. He couldn't even fathom dealing with his sister. As the wheels of the plane touched down on the runway in Louisiana, he sighed.
There were only a handful of people at the cemetery. It was a hot, humid day, the sunshine beating down from a cloudless sky. He was grateful that there were trees that provided at least some shade from the relentless heat. There was a preacher there, although he had no idea if he knew Rhonda Claybourne. Or even Beverly. Scarlett was there, even though he'd told Beverly he thought she was too young for this. She was a cute little thing, with her blonde curls and her creamy skin. He guessed she was some kind of mash up of Beverly and Doug because he didn't think she looked like either one of them. She was quiet and shy, but she had a sweet little smile, one that she'd bestowed on him right away, even though he knew she didn't remember him. Her voice was soft as she'd told him she was glad he was there. For my mama, she'd said.
Beverly was a wreck when he got there, but now she just seemed like she wasn't all there. She stood beside the grave, stoic and silent. There was an older woman there – a friend of his mother's, she'd said – who'd quietly told him she looked out for Beverly and Scarlett. She looked responsible enough. Motherly and kind. Scarlett clung to her hand. He wondered if Beverly would be okay when he left, but he hoped this woman would be able to handle things.
When the brief service was over, he remained along with Beverly and Scarlett. The friend stood off to the side. "You gonna be okay?" he asked his sister.
She turned to look at him and he unconsciously took a step back. The look of anger – hate, even – on her face startled him. "That's right. You're just gonna go on and leave, like you always do," she spat out. "Leave me here all alone."
"You're not alone, Bev..."
"This is just like you, to disappear when people need you."
"That's not what I'm doing, Beverly. I got a job and a wife I gotta get back to."
"Yeah, that wife of yours who couldn't even be bothered to come here with you."
He raised his eyebrows. "From what I understand, you didn't make her want to come. So don't be mad at her." He put his hands on his chest. "You wanna be mad, be mad at me."
She scoffed. "Oh, I am. Don't you worry about that. You're just leaving me here."
He huffed. "Beverly, you can go wherever you want to go. There's nothing keeping you here."
"You know I can't leave. Doug would never let me take Scarlett anywhere." He caught sight of Scarlett, grabbing his mother's friend's skirt, her eyes wide with fear. His heart sank. "Don't worry about us. We'll be fine." Her tone suggested otherwise.
He grabbed Beverly's arms. "Look, I gotta get back to Nashville. I'm sorry I can't stay." He tried to keep his voice calm. "I can't be here. But it looks like you've got people who can be here for you and Scarlett. I'll keep sending whatever money I can to help." She pulled away from him then and turned her back on him. He breathed in. "Look, I gotta get to the airport." Her back stiffened, but she didn't say anything.
"Uncle Deacon!" Scarlett cried out as she ran to him. He squatted down and scooped her into his arms and held her tight. He let her go and looked into her face, her eyes sad.
"I'm sorry, baby," he whispered. "But everything's gonna be okay." She just looked at him, then nodded. He stood up, unsure of what to say. He looked over at his mother's friend and she just nodded at him, as if to say she'd take care of everything.
"I'll take care of Mama," she whispered. Oh lord, you poor kid.
He stood for a moment, just looking at his sister's back, then turned and walked to the car. He felt bad about leaving her and especially Scarlett, but he couldn't stay in that place for another second.
After he got home from Natchez, he felt out of sorts. When he and Sam would go out he found himself drinking more. He didn't like that he was doing it but couldn't seem to stop. Didn't want to stop was probably more like it. He never got so drunk that he passed out or made a scene or got into a fight. He didn't think it was some unexpected sadness over his mom's death, just that being in Natchez brought up such unhappy memories. Sam seemed restless as well. He knew she was going out more with friends and every once in a while, if she felt like he could get himself home okay, she might stay out a little longer. He would stir when she got into bed, but they said little or nothing to each other before he fell back asleep.
He was at Vince's one afternoon. Despite the heat of the day, they were sitting outside in Vince's backyard drinking beer. He'd picked up a short-term gig touring with Suzy Bogguss and happened to be on break at the same time.
Vince took a long swallow of his beer, then wiped his mouth with the back of his hand. "Fuck, it's hot," he said. He rolled the still chilly beer bottle over his forehead. "Summer sucks here."
He chuckled. Vince was from Texas where he knew it was hotter than Nashville. "You know it's hotter than here in wherever you came from in Texas and it's sure as hell hotter down in Mississippi right now. I thought I was gonna pass out from the heat when I was down there. Hell, the humidity more than the heat."
Vince swallowed the rest of the beer all at once. Then he grinned. "Yeah, you're right. Amarillo truly is like the fire pits of hell." He laughed and then sang a little bit of Amarillo By Morning. "Amarillo by morning, up from San Antone / Everything that I got is just what I've got on / When that sun is high in that Texas sky..." He stopped and laughed again. "Man, I sure suck."
He took a long sip of his beer. "You ain't all that bad." He took another sip. "How's your tour going?"
"Good. Her bass player's back in about 3 weeks so I'll be back to the usual grind. Sure is fun to be out there with no strings though, just living in one town or the next with a whole gaggle of pretty girls in the next town." He leaned over and plucked another beer from the cooler next to him. He looked over and raised his eyebrows. At a nod, he handed over another ice cold beer. "You got 'em trying to get you?" he grinned.
He shook his head. "Nah. Besides all I gotta do is this" – he raised up his left hand with his wedding band – "and they know I'm taken."
"Not even tempted then, huh? I mean, it's not like you'd be the first one to sow some oats while you're gone. And from what I've heard most wives and girlfriends half expect it's gonna happen."
He frowned. "I'm not doing that."
Vince shrugged and drank his beer. "Okay then," he said, sounding like there was more to it than a simple 'okay'.
"Why do you say that?"
"No reason. Forget it."
Except he couldn't forget it. He felt sure Vince was saying something without wanting to say anything. But they were friends, and he didn't think his friend would intentionally keep him in the dark.
He and Sam had a fight about something the night before he left to return to the tour. Nothing major and he couldn't even remember what it was as he got ready to leave. But there was tension, something that wasn't unusual these days. Before he left, he wanted to be sure they were in an okay place and so he walked over and put his arms around her as she stood at the counter, placing a quick kiss on her neck. She stopped whatever it was she was doing and let herself relax against him and put one hand over his.
"You should come out for a few days," he murmured.
She sighed. "I don't know. Things are busy at work. And you're not gone for as long at a time."
"But it'd be fun."
She turned to face him then. "It's not as much fun as you think it is. I don't mind spending time with you, but you know this isn't really my kind of music and I don't really like riding in a bus and sleeping in strange beds."
He was surprised. "I didn't know you felt that way. Well, I mean, I knew you weren't crazy about me being gone but I didn't know..."
She put a finger over his lips. "It's not about you. I know you want to play music and I want you to do that. It's just me. I just like, you know, being in one place."
"Okay. I get it."
She smiled a little then. "Okay, good." She pushed a little against him. "I've gotta get to work, so be safe and I'll see you when you're home next." She pressed her lips against his and slid past him. She picked up her purse and keys and, after looking back at him and giving him a little wave, she headed for the door.
"Wait," he called out. She stopped then and turned around. He walked towards her, then took her in his arms and kissed her. Not just a peck on the lips but a full on deep kiss which, after a moment, she returned. She put one arm around his neck as he pulled her in close. When he finally let her go, he looked deep into her eyes. "I love you, Sam. You know that, right?"
She bit down on her lip for a second. "Yeah, I do. I love you too, Deacon," she said. "And I really will miss you. A lot."
"I'll miss you too. I'll see you soon." She stepped back and then he watched as she turned around again, walking to the door. When she opened it, she looked back and smiled.
He wasn't sure what started it. Maybe it was Sam's weirdness the morning he left after the tour break. Or maybe it was the subtle change in their overall relationship, something he couldn't quite nail down specifically. It could have been some leftover crap from Natchez. Or it might have been the magazine he'd seen at the truck stop when they'd stopped to get gas for the bus on the way to Hershey, Pennsylvania. The one that featured a photo of Rayna Jaymes and Jared Boone as they confirmed their impromptu marriage. Or maybe it was just that he finally decided to do shots with some of the guys from the band and crew. It didn't really matter because he found himself doing exactly what he didn't want to do. Getting drunk almost every night.