the little paths we find ourselves upon

By: Aviantei

[Twelve Shots of Summer: DECK 5/12]

[Parameters: "VIII-Justice" & "IX-Hermit]

May

Memories linger
sweetness and bitterness are
the remnants of you

The thing about peaches was that the fruit right next to the seeds were a deep red. The color was even more obvious with white peaches, where the red was all the stronger, almost reminiscent of blood. To my credit, I didn't want to hurl, but I did drop the fruit I'd been holding after just a few bites. Bits of juice were sticky against my palm, but I was thankful for the sensation, something else to ground me from the places my thoughts were wandering. A few birds chirped from the orchard trees, the sun shined down, but I still felt millions of miles away until I focused on my breathing, grounding myself.

I thought I could do this, but it turned out I was wrong. The orchard was too filled with memories, too filled with Kaigaku's presence, and he was all I could think about not even one fruit in. We were still early in the season, too, which meant we had months of harvesting to take care of, and here I was, choking up on the outskirts, not even stepped into the grove of the trees yet.

I stood there for a while, fists clenched tight and taking Total Concentration breaths to try and get myself under control. Several minutes later, I'd relaxed the tension out of my muscles, steeled myself, and decided to leave the half-eaten peach on the ground for now. It still tasted good, but I didn't think I could take seeing that red color again anytime soon. But I could still gather peaches to sell, and that would be enough.

Except with each fruit I plucked from the tree, my heart felt heavier, and I had just added about ten of them to the basket I brought with me before the image of Kaigaku inhabiting this space, completing this job surfaced, and it stopped me in my tracks, tears already burning at my eyes all over again as I hunched over on the ground in an attempt to calm myself down, for what little impact it had—and my voice was little more than a croak:

"I can't fucking do this."

I couldn't. I'd thought I was ready, but I wasn't yet. And I knew, from a logical perspective, that was okay, that there wasn't a set timeline for recovery, that I couldn't expect myself to just get over it already, but it had been months. I hadn't thought I'd be one-hundred percent, but I thought I could handle a chore, something mindless, but maybe that had been the mistake, because busying my hands and not my mind meant that the latter was free to wander, and all the more so when it came to something so associated with Kaigaku, who we'd lost.

God, I fucking miss you—

Caught up in the grief, I didn't notice Zenitsu arriving until he was at my side, rubbing at my back and his warmth pressed up against my side. "Rairi, hey. It's okay. You'll be okay. Just let it out. I'll be here."

"I can't," I said, not caring how my voice cracked around the words. Not that I was one to give too much a shit about my outward appearance, but all the crying had made me even less self-conscious than before, because this was just a part of my life now, wasn't it? "I can't do this, Zenitsu, I can't—" I'd told him what I'd be up to for the day, so he knew what I meant, even with my lacking explanation.

"That's fine," he said, as soothing as ever. "You don't have to do this, Rairi. No one is going to make you do this. If you want to take care of things, you can try again later, but if you're not ready now, it can wait. I'm sure Kimiko-san and everyone will be more than willing to help out with this, and we can take it one step at a time."

Zenitsu was right, and I knew it. I'd already had to hop over this hurdle once before, when I'd passed off the responsibility for beheading Kaigaku to Zenitsu. But it was still a hard thing for me to get used to, a muscle that I still needed to work on, and my natural impulse was to handle everything myself. I felt that I needed to take care of everything, especially now that Zenitsu and I were Sensei's acting successors in more than just Thunder Breathing.

I'd gone from a privileged teenager living an easy life to a Demon Slayer whose job was hunting monsters to an adult in charge of all the adult things that entailed with what felt like zero fucking preparation each time. At least finances weren't an issue, but there was still so fucking much to consider if we wanted a sustainable future.

Not being able to take a step further made it hard, and the lack of anything even fucking close to mental health care in Taishō Japan meant I couldn't work through all this trauma with a counselor, either. But Zenitsu did what he could when he was able, and it was nice to have him reassuring me that things would be okay from here on out.

Not perfect, not exceptional, but okay, and I was okay with that, since we were both alive.

"Okay," I said, once the tears had washed through me. It still hurt, yeah, but it was another piece of the puzzle processed, not restrained and buried deep inside me, which wouldn't help anyone, least of all myself. "Okay, okay. Can you…help me inside? I'll talk with Kimiko-san about this later."

"Of course." And with a gentle kiss pressed against my hair, Zenitsu helped me to my feet, holding my hand all the way back and even afterwards.

Another day. I'd try it again another day.

Another day felt like it would never come, and not just because of my own aversion to the peach orchards. Every day, I tried, and, every day, I got limited results. I'd given up on eating the things, and the smell sometimes made me nauseous. Even when I tried my best to avoid it all, just plucking fruits, I couldn't get more than half a basket in before I just gave up. I would've felt even worse about it, were it not for the fact that Zenitsu wasn't doing much better. We both tried, because it just seemed unfair not to contribute, but either I'd want to throw something or Zenitsu would end up crying, and we'd both return to our home, exhausted.

It wasn't just the peaches that reminded us of him, though.

Kaigaku's birthday was soon.

I'd gone through the process with Jaden, too, been aware of the date with an almost unavoidable awareness. Even if you didn't look at the calendar, it loomed over you, a reminder that someone you'd once celebrated was no longer there. Even if Kaigaku had never been one to fuss over celebrating—he would've outright ignored it during our training years if Sensei and I hadn't insisted—but there was still something, and he'd been pleased enough with my last gift to him to send me a thank you reply.

None of that would happen this upcoming year.

Those sorts of thoughts lingered over me that May morning and made me pull the blankets over my heads, as if that would do anything to ease my nauseousness. I'd just woken up, and the entire world felt exhausting already. I was tempted to give it all up and sleep the whole day away, but that also involved giving my nightmares ample opportunity to swallow me up, as they'd done several times the past few days.

What's worse, though? A dream I can at least get woken up from or dealing with this?

Yeah, that one was easy. I'd take my chances with the nightmares.

With the darkness inside of my futon, it wasn't that hard to fall asleep; when you worked the wonky hours of a Demon Slayer, falling asleep whenever you had the chance was a necessary skill. I was pretty damn sure I could fall asleep at high noon if I so decided to.

Lucky for me, I didn't have any nightmares.

Less lucky for me, that was very much because I didn't get to sleep for long.

"Rairi-sama, you cannot sleep the entire day away anymore. We talked about this." Yeah, Zenitsu would be a lot more gentle about waking me up from that, which meant I couldn't coax him to let me stay in bed. Instead, I had to contend with Kimiko, who was looking at me with an expression that allowed for no such bargaining. She wasn't quite glaring down at me, but that somehow made her disappointment worse. "You've already missed breakfast. It's time to get up and have lunch."

Now, Kimiko-san and I had known each other for a while; after all, she'd been apprenticing under her grandmother long before I'd been apprenticing under Sensei. That said, I'd never been much interested in getting to know anyone in those days, still shellshocked from my sudden isekai experience, and I focused all the way on my swords skills. Even if I had been interested, Kimiko had given me the vibe she wouldn't have been very social herself; she was quiet, studious under her grandmother's instruction, and almost too shy to even ask me if I wanted anything extra for dinner.

I wasn't the person I'd been when I first arrived in Kimetsu no Yaiba. The years of my becoming a Demon Slayer guaranteed that. But I hadn't quite expected the past years to change Kimiko-san so much, too.

"What's for lunch?" I asked, as a sign of truce. Oh, the idea of moving out of the futon still sucked, but food did sound good, now that it had been offered to me.

"Eel," Kimiko said, which was a bribe if I'd ever heard one. "But you don't get any unless you get up and come to the dining room."

"Well." I dragged myself up to a sit, trying to tame the frizz that had escaped my braid. "Guess I better come and eat."

While Inosuke had barged in on our lives without any warning the month prior, our next guest announced themself via letter and like a sane person: Hanai-san.

Because Tadashi and Tanaka were both far too good to me, I'd had no shortage of correspondence with my friends. Even putting my own situation aside, it seemed Kiriya had tried to tell the former collection of Headquarters Kasugai Crows they could all be free, and the majority of them had stuck around anyways. The Ubuyashiki household was in the process of establishing a sort of public mail service with them, so I had pretty good communication with my long-distance friends, even in the middle of Taishō Japan.

Thus I was able to keep myself occupied with preparing for their arrival. Yes, Kimiko was more than capable of handling that, but I wanted to be involved, and she wasn't about to complain about anything that kept me busy and from wallowing in my room. I took it upon myself to pick out a guest room, open the windows to let some fresh air in, and got to wiping down plenty of dust. I was pretty used to such chores, since stuff like that had been part of my apprenticeship days, but it was starting to dawn on me just how much space the Thunder Estate had to it.

Once upon a time, Sensei had had much more than just three students. Before his retirement, he'd even had Tsuguko. Was there any chance that Zenitsu and I would be able to bring as many students in, even if it would just be for a little while?

See? I was capable of deep thoughts aside from just my own trauma and depression! I was multi-talented, dammit!

Spreading out the blankets atop of the guest futon, I let out a self-depreciating laugh to chase the train of thought away. It did feel a little bit good, finishing a task and getting a room all in order, at least, which I needed. I'd even gotten better at keeping my balance on my prosthetic, so the chores hadn't been that bad, all things considered.

"Rairi, Rairi!" Glancing to the window, I found Tadashi perched on the sill, spreading out his wings for emphasis. "Hanai-san is approaching! They left town five minutes ago!"

That put them at about ten minutes away, assuming they weren't running. Despite the logical conclusion that, as a swordsmith, they had to be buff, I had a hard time imagining Hanai working themself up to such an extent. Or maybe I was biased because I'd seen a lot of the others from the Swordsmith Village out and about following the final battle, and Hanai seemed so…calm in comparison?

The way they talk about sword smithing, though, it's obvious they're passionate, so maybe they go all in? The image was enough to make me snort, which pulled me out of my thoughts. The guest room was ready, and Kimiko and the others already had the night's welcome dinner in progress. Dusting off my jinbei, I nodded to myself. "So the thing to do as a good host would be to go ahead and greet them."

With Tadashi on my shoulder, I headed to the entryway, crossing paths with Zenitsu. "Oh, Rairi, are you all done in there? I was just gonna come and check on you."

I leaned down to give him a quick kiss on the forehead. "Finished up just in time," I said, scratching Tadashi's head as an indicator of where the news had come from. "I'm gonna go meet Hanai-san. Do you wanna come with?"

"Nah, you go on ahead. I'm gonna finish cleaning some stuff in the bathroom—oh, but call me if you need me." He squeezed my hands, hesitated a moment, then kissed my cheek before pulling back, his face red. Fuck, he was adorable; I needed that shit in my life. "See you when you get back!"

"Alright, I'm heading out."

And with that settled, I set out, Tadashi flapping his wings and taking flight to guide me. Considering that there weren't all that many paths Hanai could take to our place, it wasn't like I needed the instruction; my sense of direction may have been awful in new areas, but even I could manage in places I was familiar with, like my own home. Regardless, I would never begrudge Tadashi for showing me around, and it was just a little bit nostalgic.

I swear, once I can manage it, I'll go visit everyone else instead of making them come all the way to me. I gave my leg a pat, then shadowed my eyes from the sun to stare down the pathway. In the distance, I could see the shape of someone else, though I held back from breaking out into a sprint. One step at a time, dumbass. You'll get where you're going in time.

And so, with Hanai and I going at our own paces, we were able to meet in the middle with no issues whatsoever. Tadashi, letting out a caw of approval, swooped down to land on their shoulder.

"You're looking well, Hanai-san," I said, dipping into a quick bow of greeting. You would think by now I'd be used to the sight of them without their swordsmith signature hyottoko mask, but, nope, it still threw me off, hardcore. At least this way I got to see their relaxed smile. "The trip treat you well?"

"Overall, yes. I was lucky enough that it was cloudy a lot of the way here—though since we don't need to act in secret anymore, I was also able to accept rides from some wagons, so that helped a lot." The swordsmiths sure had had to follow a lot of rules to ensure their safety before. As someone who'd also done a lot of traveling on foot while hauling a sword around, I could empathize. Hm, did the swordsmiths also have some special form of Total Concentration to help them with their work? "I'm glad to see that you look like you've been recovering, too, Rairi-dono."

I patted my right thigh. "Well you know me. I'm not someone to stay down for long. Besides, if I don't get back up on my feet, all the work you put into our swords for us will go to waste, and we can't have that." Zenitsu and I had gone ahead and put all three of our Nichirin swords up on display, but I swore we took them down and did regular maintenance on them at least once a week out of pure habit.

Hanai chuckled, the corners of their eyes crinkling. "I'm glad to hear it. Though I feel my greatest accomplishment was making blades that could carry you through battle safely." I clenched my fist, still able to feel the hilt of my sword in those final fights—and the hilt of Kaigaku's as I'd wielded it to save Zenitsu. "But all that is over now. Could I impose on you to head to the estate so I could get some rest?"

I shoved down the ache in my heart and put on a smile. "Not a problem. If you don't mind matching my slower pace, I'll lead the way."

In comparison to whenever we'd had Aoi and Inosuke over the previous month, one of which was a wild child and the other of which was his caretaker who had no qualms about scolding him, one could be forgiven for not even thinking Hanai was in the house in the first place.

They were both quiet and more than willing to help out with some of the chores, but otherwise they stayed out of the way. It seemed they had taken up meditation as a hobby, and it wasn't odd to find them sitting on the courtyard porch, focusing on their breathing. That wasn't to say that they were antisocial—they showed up at mealtimes and chatted, and they were happy to share a cup of tea whenever invited, but nothing about having them visit was obtrusive.

Still, having that extra body in the house was good in that it helped distract Zenitsu and I from the obvious impending date to come…but it wasn't enough to make Kaigaku's birthday itself any easier.

If I'd been in a better mood, I might've congratulated myself for even getting out of bed, but I just didn't have the energy for even that. Zenitsu and I ran into each other in the dining room, not even bothering to exchange any words as we settled down at our seats. Kimiko, knowing full well what day it was, was also quiet as she finished serving us breakfast, though it wasn't like I would expect her to be as affected by it all as we were.

A few minutes after she was gone, the door to the dining room opened, and Zenitsu and I both whipped our heads towards the entrance. Of course, it was just Hanai, but it was hard not to look for ghosts. At least they didn't seem bothered by our disappointed reactions to them, and the rest of breakfast was just as quiet as the time before it. And that would've held true all the way to the end of the meal if it weren't for—

"Rairi-dono, would you mind if I asked a favor for today?"

Hanai's favor turned out to be wanting to see our swords.

As mentioned, we'd put all of them on display, mounted on the wall above the family shrine, Sensei's blade there with the rest of ours. Said shrine was simple, though we did have just the one photo to put up—photography was still an expensive procedure in the Taishō Era—the picture that Sensei had had all of us dress up in formal wear for and pose as his apprentices, not all that long before I'd killed my first demon in preparation for Final Selection. There were a few other snapshots of Sensei, but none of Kaigaku, so Zenitsu and I agreed that it was the best option.

Not that I could bring myself to even look at the thing. But, hey, some days I could.

Still, it felt rude to just abandon Hanai whenever I was supposed to be a good host, so I took up sentry in a corner of the room while they observed the blades, all of them shining from the sunlight coming in the window. "May I?" they asked, gesturing to the swords, and I gave my approval. I'd expected them to pick up either mine or Zenitsu's (and, yes, I was trying too hard not to think of Kaigaku, thanks for calling me out), but instead they reached up for Sensei's.

Looking across the blades, their designs were about the same. Putting aside the fact that they were all katana as opposed to any other kind of sword, all four of our blades had the same triangle pattern wrapping on the hilt, the same golden and white tsuba with its curved edges, like a lopsided flower. Two of the swords—Zenitsu's and Kaigaku's—had obtained the crackling golden lightning pattern down the center, while the remaining two—Sensei's and mine—were golden all the way through.

While rumor claimed that the lightning bolt was a sign of strong potential, I'd been more than happy for my blade to match Sensei's. While it was older than ours, it was still elegant, kept in perfect shape through the years, though it hadn't seen much battle for quite some time. Hanai handled it with care, letting the light catch the color just right in the way that reminded me of the first time Sensei had shown me Thunder Breathing.

The lump in my throat refused to go down when I swallowed.

"Did you know my mother was the one to forge this blade?" Hanai asked, their calm words catching me off guard. All I could do was shake my head and listen. "She was forging them before I was born, but I watched her make the last blade that the Rumble Hashira used." Hanai's fingers ran along the dull edge of the sword, caressing it with a gentleness I'd never used for a sword before. "While we Corps swordsmiths do accept anyone who wishes to join us, most of us have been living in our village for generations.

"For me, it was watching my mother make this sword that made me determined to learn how to forge Nichirin."

In that way, Hanai was a lot like me, I supposed. I'd never watched smithy work in person before, but I'd seen some anime scenes and videos online before, and it always seemed amazing that someone could take a chunk of ore and craft it into something so delicate and beautiful. The same way that Sensei's Thunder Breathing had captivated me, it seemed that Hanai had also wanted to recreate the miracle they'd witnessed.

Hanai flipped the blade over, continuing their inspection as they talked: "My mother was a harsh teacher, I won't lie. But of course, since our job was to make weapons to help defeat demons, I could never blame her. After all, if our blades were faulty, it could cost a Slayer—and so many other people—their lives. I did end up meeting her and our chief's standards, but I still wasn't sure I'd ever made a blade as fine as this." They glanced to me and smiled. "That is, until I met you, Rairi-dono."

I blinked. "Huh, me?" Just where the fuck did I fit into this sentimental intergenerational story?

"Yes, you. See here?" Shifting Sensei's blade to their nondominant hand, they picked up my sword next, holding the blades side by side. "I did already mention that I made your three's swords a matching set to your master's, yes? It's because they were so similar that I was able to tell I'd accomplished what I'd wanted." They tilted the katanas just so, the golden metal as incredible as the first time I'd seen it, the color spreading across the blade as I gripped the hilt in my hands. "You may not know this, but the exact color a Nichirin blade changes to depends upon the quality of the way it has been forged." While I'd never sat down and compared swords used by people who wielded the same Breathing Style, I was willing to believe there was some variance here and there—and of course Hanai would know way better than me. "I'm not certain about the first sword I made for you, but at least now, there is no difference between the katana my mother made for Kuwajima-dono and the one I've made for you."

I nodded along. "I'm sure that your mother is proud of everything you've accomplished, Hanai-san." And, if nothing else, I was grateful to have someone like them as my swordsmith, through and through.

"I can hope so, Rairi-dono." Hanai may have been smiling, but the expression was just a touch sadder than I'd expected. "It's hard for me to know, considering that my mother passed away some time ago." Yup, leave it to me to step on a landmine even when I was trying to be comforting! "It was when I was about your age, I'd say. She'd gone to deliver a sword to a Slayer she was working with, and she didn't come back. My aunt—her elder sister—wanted to go look for her, but we swordsmiths have an unwritten rule to stay in the village unless necessary, since every person that goes out or in was a potential leak of our location." I was familiar with the logic, since that was why my request to go there during the Upper Moon attack had been denied. "I've been so used to such a lifestyle, that I almost keep forgetting that I can leave whenever I like, you know. But I know seeing the demons defeated has been the dream of everyone in my village for generations, so it is a future I intend to face." They paused, at last putting my and Sensei's swords back in place, their hand tracing along the lightning pattern on Kaigaku's blade afterwards. "Such losses are never easy, Rairi-san. I'm sure you know this. But I know, that no matter what, you'll be able to face the challenges that come to you. And, as much as I can, I will be there to help you, alright?"

Damn, the universe sure liked reminding me about just how many incredible people I had in my life, now didn't it? Unable to stop myself, I sniffled, and that was enough of a precursor to the waterworks I was about to produce.

"Hanai-san," I said, the words muffled, "would you mind coming with me somewhere now?"

Hanai, as promised, agreed to come along, though they insisted on waiting until I stopped crying first. I, on the other hand, thought that was a useless endeavor, since I had a lot in me I needed to cry out, but Zenitsu also managed to show up, and some impromptu snuggles got me back in working shape. With that taken care of and the morning temperature perfect for a bit of a mini expedition outdoors, we set out for our destination:

The orchard.

It had been a week or so since I'd last stepped foot there, and even more peaches were growing ripe on the trees. Kimiko and the others had been harvesting what they could, so it wasn't like the fruit had been going to waste, but I still felt bad for not being able to help out.

More than anything, though, I felt bad for not being able to face the place that contained so much of our past in it. They weren't all good memories—Kaigaku and I had had a blowout argument under the trees once—but they were still important.

"It's okay, Rairi," Zenitsu said, his hand slipping into mine. I squeezed back, hard, but he didn't so much as flinch. "No matter what happens, I'm going to be right here with you." Always, he didn't have to say but I understood.

"Yeah," I said, "I know." Even so, I squeezed his fingers one more time, just to try and keep myself stable. "And no matter what, I'm right here with you, too." We'd fought Kaigaku together, survived a battle against Kibutsuji Muzan together. After that, was there ever any doubt?

Not too far away from us, Hanai hummed. "I see. It is a wonderful place, isn't it?" They were right; the orchard was simple yet beautiful, no matter how much dread it had caused in the pit of my stomach before. "Well, it appears there will be no shortage of peaches to harvest. Shall we go ahead and begin?"

Each of us had come equipped with a basket, so it didn't take all that much effort to get started. Sure, that much space wouldn't be quite enough for the whole harvest, but it seemed like a safe enough goal, all things considered. Besides, so long as I didn't go and eat the things, I was sure I would be okay.

And, in the end, I was. We were all quiet as were worked, yes, and my thoughts wandered to Kaigaku pretty much the entire time, but none of it was unbearable. For every recollection that hurt, there was another good memory that went with it. All of them were true, and all of them were precious to me. Besides, if I gave up after everything, I knew Kaigaku would be pissed off at me, so I had to keep doing my best to process what I'd gone through so I could live the rest of my life in peace.

Still, I miss you, you know.

I hate what happened, but I still love you.

I hope you're doing okay, wherever your soul ended up.

I'm looking forward to seeing you again when we're reborn.

Please don't hate me then, alright?

I exhaled, staring up at the sky through the trees and murmured, "Happy birthday, Kaigaku."

That night, I cut up one of the peaches, leaving half out as an offering at the shrine, and eating the rest myself, the fruit as sweet as the ones we'd used to share after a long day of training.

[Author's Notes]

Hermit for Hanai-san! The prompt could've worked with any of the swordsmiths folk, but obvs Rairi is gonna connect to their own. Justice is a bit more metaphorical, but I very much wanted this chapter to focus on the Kaigaku birthday angst angle, so I put more focus on that bit than anything else.

Thanks to KHUN CIWWIW and uioqww for the for the favorite and follows on og walk steady this past week! I hope you find your way to this collection as well and enjoy it!

As for the interview update, I think I did pretty well! I made it to the second round of interviews, at the very least. Now I'm just in suspense as they take their sweet time making a final call, doing HR things, and contacting me about the results. This is the job I've been working towards for years, so here's hoping!

I'm gonna go ahead and drop in another reminder to go read Chronic Guardian's Kairi Hearts collection this summer! He's exploring some fun properties in the Kingdom Hearts context, so it's a good time. Plus it can be tricky to pull together these multi-one shot collections, so the support is always appreciated!

Next Saturday: June, featuring the prompts "X-Fortune" and "XI-Strength." Please look forward to it!

[07.01.2023]