the little paths we find ourselves upon

By: Aviantei

[Twelve Shots of Summer: DECK 7-I/12]

[Parameters: "xi-Hunger"]

July II

Connecting pieces
Which darker secrets
Will you now reveal?

With Zenitsu having realized the source of one of his biggest challenges, he dove into some self-study, working out his own pacing issues, though none of us blamed him. Something that had eluded him for so long was at last seeming possible, and mastering the skills would help him with passing down Thunder Breathing, like Sensei wanted us to do. It was a lot cumulating in one moment—even if that moment involved repeating the same motions of Dengō Raigō and its associated breathing on a near infinite loop. That sort of process had worked for him and the Hekireki Issen, so I was more than willing to let him work on things by himself. If he needed some pointers, I'd be there, but until then, I could keep working with Genya and Kei through the forms.

It was a satisfying progress. Kei was a sharp study, even if her natural inclination made Thunder Breathing's speed awkward for her to achieve perfect results. Still, that she could even manage to produce a few sparks in the process was impressive, and that was plenty cause for celebration.

Genya, with his own limitations, had no such effects appear, but neither of us had expected that. Instead, he focused on the fundamentals, which was more than enough. While Kei was studious, Genya had a rather keen eye for the fine details, an aftereffect of how he'd studied under his own teacher beforehand. His work was enough to prove that, even without Total Concentration, Thunder Breathing's forms still had plenty of beauty to them, which just further fueled my resolve to make sure it persevered beyond my and Zenitsu's generation.

"San no Kata: Shūbun Sei—oof!"

Not every form was smooth sailing, though. We were doing a crash course, going over all the main forms in a short period of time to give me and Zenitsu a starting point. The day's lesson had at last landed on our third form, which was one of the hardest to get right due to its aerial component.

Hence: Kei had missed her footing and fell over. Her combat instincts led to her rolling, rather than faceplanting, and I'd had a perfect view of it from my seat on the porch surrounding the courtyard. "You good?" I called. I wasn't all that worried, considering she'd gone through worse as a Slayer, but I couldn't count myself a good teacher if I didn't think about my students' wellbeing.

"I'm okay! This just sucks." Kei flopped over onto her back, staring up at the sky. "You make this look so easy, Rairi-san." At least she sounded more impressed than frustrated, so I didn't have to worry much on that front.

Still, my senpai energy knew some encouragement was in order. "Don't forget, I'm a veteran at this. I fell on my ass way more than you to get this far." There was a reason Shūbun Seirei was the last form I'd figured out, and Kaigaku had been the same. Since it was several aerial movements, you had to complete the complicated series of jumps one after the other, not to mention the actual sword strikes. That I'd been able to perform the form again with my prosthetic…I didn't quite believe in miracles, but that sure felt like one. "If you're getting worn out, though, it's gonna be a good time to take a break. Genya, Zenitsu, wrap up what you're doing so we can call it a night!"

"Okay," they both responded, a few beats off each other. Genya had been between forms, so he closed his eyes for a moment in his usual wind down ritual, while Zenitsu couldn't resist making another swing, admiring the results before sheathing his blade. I meandered my way over to Kei, offering her a hand up, which she accepted before stretching. Satisfied with a long day's work, I pivoted to join the others.

"Oh, Rairi-san," Kei said, wiping the sweat off her forehead. I paused in heading back indoors, waiting for her to catch up with me. It might've just been my imagination, but she seemed just a bit hesitant to talk. Zenitsu, no doubt hearing something that indicated it would be a good idea, urged Genya inside, saying something about taking a bath. That meant it was my job to be a good senpai/sensei and show the fuck up. "I've been meaning to ask, but you have some connections to the Demon Slayer Corps, right? Like, on an administrative level?"

"I've somehow stumbled into that position, yes." Still was super surreal to me, but I knew several Hashira, plus the former leader was pretty much my self-declared godchild at this point, so I couldn't quite say no. "Was there something you wanted help looking into?"

Kei nodded, though she still had that worried furrow in her brow. "That's right. I…" She swallowed, clenching her fists in determination to get the words out. "Last year. Whenever Kaigaku-senpai…" My heart clenched, but I was in at least a stable enough mental space to not crumble at the sound of his name, so listening was the least I could do. "When he told me to run. I did, and I found another Slayer. I…asked them to go and see if they could do anything to save him. And, I mean, I know it didn't do any good to help him, but I at least wanted…"

"To see if they were okay or not." I couldn't blame her for taking so long to ask; by the time she'd even learned Kaigaku was a demon, we'd been in the middle of final battle prep, so there'd been no available resources to even look into such a thing if she had. "Well, it depends on how much you know about them, but I might be able to figure something out. Did they have any defining features?" Doubtless an influence from the series being a manga that needed to, like, be drawn every week, Corps members tended to either accessorize the hell out of their uniform or not at all, and there was no in between. So long as we had a few details, I figured it wouldn't be all that hard to ask around and find someone who knew someone.

"Yes. I didn't see them very long, since they ran off right after I asked, but they made an impression on me. Um, let's see, their hair was this pretty teal-blue color, and they had on this haori with a sky and wave pattern…"

Kei continued to talk, but I couldn't hear what she was saying anymore. Just like that, all the pieces were clicking into place, a few leftover threads that I hadn't been able to figure out until that moment. By the time I'd found him as a demon, Shimizu had already been dead, Kaigaku telling me all about it, along with the fact that she, too, had been in an isekai scenario. But how had he known that? How had she gotten into the situation where she chose to die instead of giving Kibutsuji access to all her secrets?

Oh, god. Oh, fuck. It had been Kei. The whole time, the answer was right there. Kaigaku had encountered the Upper Moon One, told Kei to run for it. In the time it had taken him to become a demon, Kei had crossed paths with Shimizu, asked her for help, and she'd run off after Kaigaku, landing right in Kibutsuji's lap.

"…So it was your fault…"

If it hadn't been for Kei—

The thought crashed into me with the force of a punch to the gut, and I slapped my hand to my mouth, stomach acid already surging up my throat. I did my best to swallow it down, but years of experience had taught me that wasn't gonna fucking work, so I gave it up and hunched over in the grass, heaving once, twice, then a third time as my throat burned. How could I even think such a thing? It wasn't Kei's fault at all, I should be glad she'd survived, but I'd still lost, I'd still lost, I'd still lost—

Kei reached a hand out to me, but I slapped it out of the way. "It was your fault!" I shouted, the words ripping out of my stinging throat. "If you hadn't done that, Shimizu-chan wouldn't have had to die—wouldn't have had to kill herself!" Kei's expression was one of pure distress, but what did that matter, how did that even compare to what Shimizu must've suffered at the end? "I bet if Kaigaku hadn't had you to protect, he could've made it out of there! But instead…" They were both dead, one tragedy compounded on top of another, and it was Kaigaku's defection that had caused Sensei to die. "All this time, I was blaming myself, but it was you—"

"Rairi, that's enough." The last time I'd heard Zenitsu speak in such a tone had been back in Infinity Castle, whenever he'd scolded Kaigaku for his defection. "I can hear you're panicked right now, but Kei-chan doesn't deserve you yelling at her. Now look at me." I had to blink the tears out of my eyes first, but I did as asked, seeing Zenitsu's face not scolding, but instead one of soft sadness. "Can you breathe with me? I promise everything's going to be okay."

But for the first time in a while, even with Zenitsu holding onto me, I wasn't sure that it would be.

Due to my trash mental health, I was mandated to take the next couple of days off by Zenitsu while he handled the rest of the training. It was the best move to take, since I was in no way capable of being an effective teacher. I couldn't even manage to be around Kei for too long, not by any fault of her own, but just my own out of control emotions.

For the first time in a long time, I spent my morning after waking up lying in my futon and staring at the ceiling. Kaburamaru had joined me, the full of their weight spread across my torso. On occasion, they licked at my face, which kept me from disassociating altogether, but I was still caught up in my thoughts.

I shouldn't have blamed Kei for what had happened. That just wasn't fair. She'd done the right thing—following Kaigaku's orders to escape, informing another Corps member to try and help Kaigaku. It had just been coincidence that she'd happened to cross paths with Shimizu. If it had been someone else Kei had asked for help, would I even care? I…doubted it, which just made me feel like an even worse person.

But at the root of all of it, it came back to me. My lack of reading the manga hadn't just allowed Kaigaku to become a demon, hadn't just led to Sensei committing seppuku to repent, but it had also meant Shimizu had gotten involved. The mentorship program had been my idea, after all. If I hadn't been there, Kei wouldn't have gone for help, and maybe Shimizu could've made it through.

My fault, just like always.

Having learned from past transgressions that Kimiko would not hesitate to drag me out of bed if I lingered there too long, I rolled off my futon, grabbed my crutches, and hauled myself up, first to the bathroom, then to the kitchen. It wasn't close to lunchtime, but that was the point. I was not fit for human consumption, so I wasn't about to force myself onto our guests. Zenitsu, Genya, and Kei were all busy with morning practice, which gave me plenty of time to get some food, do some chores, and try and clear my head out.

It kept my hands busy, at the very least. Helping prepare food gave me something to focus on, plus I got a quick eat out of it before everyone else headed in for lunch. Kimiko gave me a pass and set me on a quest to do some laundry, which was a chore I was more than familiar with, so the day moved on without any deep breakdowns. Would I be in better shape the next morning? The one way to find out was with some sleep, and then we'd see what would happen.

Except my quest to head to bed early was interrupted by a knock on my door. Expecting Kimiko or Zenitsu, I didn't bother to fix my slipping yukata and pulled the shoji open without hesitation, finding myself face to face with Genya instead.

A beat of silence passed.

"Whatcha need?" I asked, leaning against the doorframe.

"Um," Genya said, his face bursting into red. Huh, it had been a factoid that he didn't do too well around girls, sure, but I guess exposed skin got to him, too? Not in the mood to do any teasing, I pulled my yukata back up my shoulder, adjusting the obi around my waist to make it more secure. It took a few more moments, but soon enough, Genya cleared his throat, managing to collect himself. "I just wanted to check on you, is all, since I was worried. I can…another time…"

"No, now is fine." I'd bet it was because Genya wasn't involved in the situation—unlike even Kimiko, who had known Kaigaku and thus would have a skewed opinion—but talking to him didn't seem like the worst thing I could be doing. "Is this a 'I just wanted to check in' kind of thing or a 'I'm offering a longer conversation' kind of thing?"

"Uh, either?" Genya didn't sound all that certain, but I could tell he was trying. What a sweet kid under all that punk energy. "You just don't strike me as the type of person to be so distant, which I guess is dumb since I don't know all that much about you, but Zenitsu was worried and—aagh!" I jumped a little at his sudden shout, but even that outburst didn't have anything on one of Zenitsu's freak outs, so it was more from the surprise than the volume. "This is hard. How the hell does Tanjirō make it seem so easy?"

I giggled despite myself, which I would take as a good sign. "Tanjirō-kun is kind of a different breed, isn't he?" Us supporting cast folks could do nothing but watch in awe at his Incredible Protagonist Sensibilities. "Why don't you come in for a chat, Genya-kun? Standing out in the hallway won't do any good." I'd have to light the lamp back up, but that was simple enough, plus it saved me the trouble of staring at the ceiling for a long ass time, wondering when the hell I'd get some sleep.

Genya, on the other hand, stayed in the doorway. "Are you sure that's okay?"

"Why wouldn't it be?" Oh, wait, was he embarrassed to be in a room alone with me? "Is this because Zenitsu and I are a couple?" A nod. Look at him working hard to respect boundaries. "You're not gonna cause a fight or anything. Besides, I don't expect you to try anything. I mean…" I held up my arm, and Kaburamaru came out of the end of my sleeve. "See? Safety measures. Now gimme a sec, I'll get you a cushion…" Hm, was I being a bit too pushy? Well, the worst that could happen was Genya could refuse and we'd go take a walk instead. A few moments later, I heard the gentle pad of socked feet on the tatami, so that seemed to be his answer. "Come to think of it, the two of us haven't had a one-on-one conversation at all, now have we?"

"No, I guess not…" At last successful in my efforts, I set out the cushions and gestured for Genya to take a seat before plopping down across from him, though my stance was much more casual than his. "Sorry, I know I'm the one that asked to do this, but I'm not sure where to start."

"If you're that stuck, you can just say the first thing that comes to your mind. That's how I tend to get through things." Then again, that strategy from me tended to just be how my mouth blurted things out, rather than any active decisions, but I thought the advice still held. "I'm not gonna get offended whatever you do say, so just forget the part where I've been tutoring you and go for it." No need to stand on ceremony with me, your local American who had very little attachment to the whole super polite language conventions when it came to myself.

"Then did Kei-san do something to upset you?"

I grimaced. "Wow, you don't beat around the bush, now do you?" Genya looked a little ashamed by the comment, but no sense in backtracking since it was out in the open. "No, listen, this is good. If we're being technical, no, Kei didn't do anything—or, at least, nothing she can be blamed for." And that was just confusing without all the context, huh? "First, let me explain. You know the basics about me, right? That I was from another world?" I was sure Tanjirō must've explained at least some of that, and, sure enough, Genya nodded. "Okay, that makes this easier. So here's what happened…"

I gave him a brief recap of the situation, from my own adjustments to the plot alongside Shimizu's own involvement in the scenario, since Genya didn't seem to have had the opportunity to meet her. Hell, I was more impressed that he didn't interrupt, seeing that it was because of her and her notes that we'd been able to keep Genya alive in the first place. Regardless, from there, it was a simple enough explanation about what I'd learned the other day, but it was far more difficult to form the words in general, let alone without my own resentment coloring them.

In the end, Kei had made the request that had sent Shimizu walking right into her death, and that was far too hard to bear.

"But I'm still the one that fucked up," I said, my voice picking up in volume. I'd thought so before, but I hadn't said it to anyone out loud, not even Zenitsu. "Kei was with Kaigaku in the first place because of me. If I hadn't been dumped here, that wouldn't have happened, and Shimizu-chan would've had a chance. I thought that maybe I'd done some good, that I'd managed to at least give this world a better outcome than before, but what the fuck does it even matter if I'm the one that always causes the ones I love to die?!"

It hadn't just been Shimizu, either. Jaden had died protecting me. Sensei had died because I hadn't been able to convince him to let me take his place. Kaigaku had died because I hadn't been there for him the way I should have been. Not to mention Mitsuri, Kochō, and Iguro—one person I hadn't been able to convince to live, the other two I hadn't provided enough information to keep alive.

I'm happy to stay here. I don't need to go back. Not even two weeks ago, I'd said those words to Zenitsu, and I'd meant them, but now? What if my being here was just going to drag him into something else, what if he was going to disappear, too? Demons weren't the only way a person could die; I'd learned that lesson a long time ago.

"That's not how it works, though," Genya said, reminding me that he was there. I stared, and he opened his mouth once, shut it, then resolved himself to speak. "You didn't kill anyone, Rairi-san, and you didn't want it to happen. Sometimes, shit like this just—happens. It's okay to be sad about it, but you don't need to go and blame yourself for something you can't even prove was your fault in the first place. Besides the alternative was that—" His words cut off into a half sob, though no tears fell. "I can't prove anything, but all I know is that you came here, and I'm alive. That's…that's all I wanted to say. For whatever it's worth."

What the fuck were you thinking, dumbass? Telling someone who didn't survive in Canon that you regret showing up? I couldn't take all the credit, since it had been Shimizu's notes that helped, but I'd played some role, right? I'd been the one that helped Rengoku survive the fight against Akaza, and that had had some sort of domino effect, at least when it came to our fighting power in the following arcs.

"It…I'm glad I helped you, Genya-kun. And I'm glad I helped everyone else." Those facts wouldn't change. "It's just…hard to accept. That we didn't all make it. When we had this great shot to save everyone, and now I find out Shimizu-chan dying too was just one big coincidence, one that I might've had a part in, it feels like way too much to accept…"

"I know." Genya rocked side to side in his seat. "I mean, I don't know. The exact thing you're feeling. But I can imagine…it's difficult to handle. After everything that happened with me and Nī-chan, I wasn't sure we'd ever get over it. I blamed him for our mom dying, and I thought he'd hate me forever. But we managed to get through it, so I'm sure you will, too." Genya offered a smile that made him look way sweeter than anyone would expect. "I just think if we can move on together, then maybe anyone can."

"How are things? With Shinazu—I mean, your brother?" I may have been in contact with a decent number of people, but without Mitsuri around, I heard very little gossip.

"It's…still rough sometimes." As one would expect when you had two people with a shit ton of trauma under their belts—not just from fighting demons, but also their overall family history. "I can tell Nī-san has a lot of anger still inside him. But most of the time, we're a family, and that's what matters. We're not doing anything complicated, either. Just doing odd jobs here and there to get by. Sometimes we'll be someone's bodyguards, too, while they're transporting goods. It's not a lot, but I'm…happy, and I think Nī-chan is, too."

That bit of reassurance was enough to start to warm my heart—not enough to thaw it all the way through, no, but it still took the edge off the frost. Whenever I got reminded of every awful thing that had happened in this world, it was difficult to remember there were good things there, too. Something as simple as two brothers repairing their relationship or the comfortable joy I had in sharing day-to-day life with Zenitsu—those were the moments we'd been fighting for.

If I can't live out the rest of my life with you and everyone else, I at least want you to make it. That had been Shimizu's wish for me, hadn't it?

"…Which means I need to get my shit together and apologize to Kei-san, huh?" Even if I wasn't in perfect shape yet, she deserved that much. "Thanks, Genya-kun. I needed that."

Genya offered me a small smile. "Glad I could help, Rairi-senpai."

The situation could have been described as awkward by any means, considering I'd blown up on Kei for something that she couldn't have controlled in the slightest. Making matters a little bit worse was the fact that I was far more used to mediating such outbursts, rather than being the one responsible for them, but I could figure it out. I was an adult, dammit, and that meant processing my emotions and admitting when I was wrong.

Still, this whole situation assumes she even wants to talk to me right now. I'd considered myself lucky that Kei hadn't just left the Thunder Estate in the first place, so that was a good sign I hadn't just tanked our friendship into the ground, but that didn't mean she'd be ready to forgive me right away. So I'd written a note to leave by her door, giving her the choice of meeting up with me or not. I told her I'd be waiting for her in the mornings by the peach orchard, so she'd be able to avoid me without trouble if that was her prerogative. Leaning against a tree, I ran my hand over the bark, feeling the roughness scrape against my calluses. "What would you think if you saw me repeating the mistakes I always bitched at you for, Kaigaku?"

"I think Kaigaku-senpai would say you're doing alright. He might curse a bit more in the process, though." I looked up, finding Kei heading my way. Her hair had yet to be tied up into its bun, and the auburn strands fluttered in the breeze. "He mentioned a peach orchard once or twice while he was mentoring me. Was this the place he was talking about?"

The prospect of the topic made my mouth run dry, but I managed to answer, "Yeah. He'd always come here whenever he wanted to be alone. Which was, well, most of the time." Even without accounting for the fact that his main chore was to tend to the place, Kaigaku even slipped away whenever the harvest was done. "I guess it was kind of a sanctuary for him."

"Mm. I believe it." Kei stopped, running her fingers along a tree as if she was searching for signs of where Kaigaku had once been, the places he'd touched. I knew I'd done so. Not looking at me, Kei said, "You wanted to talk to me about something, Rairi-san?"

"I wanted to apologize. I shouldn't have lashed out at you the way I had." No matter what I'd been feeling, it was never okay to blow up on someone like that. "None of what I said was true, and you didn't deserve it. So I'm sorry, Kei-san. I hope you can forgive me."

"Don't be silly, Rairi-san. Of course I'm going to forgive you." So she said, but I didn't need Zenitsu's ears to hear the note of sadness in her voice. "I look up to you, you know. It hurt to hear you say those things about me." She swallowed, but there was no trace of tears in her expression. "I talked to Zenitsu-san about what you said, so I have a rough idea of what happened. The Slayer I asked for help…she was important to you?"

"Yes." My answer came out as a breath. "I loved her." Shit, was that unfair to go and say? Too late to take it back now. "I mean, I never told her. But even then, she was an important friend to me." Someone that had shared the same burden as me, even if we hadn't talked about that, either. "I just…there were so many things I wanted to talk with her about, but didn't get the chance. So I took that out on you, and I shouldn't have." I wrung my hands together. "I'm glad you're alive, Kei-san. I'm just glad that someone was safe."

If I'd had one more loss to carry on my shoulders, I wasn't sure I could take it.

"I'm sorry I couldn't help either of them," Kei whispered, and I sucked in a breath to keep myself in check—not that it did any good, since I started to tear up anyways. Kei reached out and took my hands. "It's going to be okay, Rairi-san. We're both going to be okay. This isn't the worst thing that either of us has been through, is it? I'm not about to hate you over something like this. Just…take it easy on me, alright?"

"I know. I'm sorry. I'm sorry."

"I know you are." She squeezed my hands again, offering me a smile. "You can make it up to me by showing me how to pick out a good peach, alright?"

"Mmhmm. I'll show you Kaigaku's favorite tree, too, if you want?"

"Sounds great."

After a breakfast of peaches, we were late for morning practice, but we went together, and that mattered more than anything else.

[Author's Notes]

And the flip side is the angst! Rairi's never had an "oh shit that's what happened" moment re: Shimizu running into Kaigaku. They're never gonna have the full context (save for a super self indulgent idea I'm still kicking around), but they can learn this.

I have been trying my best to, like, actually have people make mistakes and conflict, 'cause I feel I struggle at that sometimes, whoops. Oh the joys of realizing your own writing patterns...

Next Week: August, featuring the prompts "XIII-Death" and "XIV-Temperance." Please look forward to it!

[07.16.2023]