Chapter One

This is my futile attempt at an lgbtqia+ form of kotlc, and I'm hoping to include lots of different types of people, and different feelings, but I am not good at writing emotion, so I apologise if that portion is bad. Another thing, the titles are all pretty punny. Sorry not sorry. Side note, this takes place around the end of Flashback, and after.

Vanish from my Mind

Biana thinks she shouldn't feel this way. I mean, why would she? How could she? Her brother can even tell. She looks around at everyone. If she is who she is, what is left to hide? People will know. She shouldn't even be thinking about this, her brother just died. She knows she wasn't supposed to like Alvar anymore, but he was family. And to see him, floating there, with no way out? And for Fitz, heartless Fitz, to stop pressing buttons? It hurt more than it should have. But this hurts more.

This shouldn't hurt more, this shouldn't even be real. But it is. Biana thinks about it every night, every time she should be asleep. She daydreams about telling people, about what they will say. But every time, at least one person ruins everything. And almost always, it's Fitz.

Biana knows that her brother wouldn't like this. She knows how he feels about the match lists, about how relationships are supposed to work. About how a man and a woman should find each other at the winnowing gala, fall deeply in love, and marry for all of eternity. That;s not how Biana feels, and she knows it isn't how Keefe, or Dex, or Linh, or Marella, or Sophie, or Tam feels. It's just how Fitz feels.

This hurts too much, but there isn't anything for her to do about it. Keefe and Tam and Sophie left to save the Alicorns, and only Keefe and Sophie came back. Keefe. She's supposed to have a crush on Keefe. She's supposed to have a crush on Tam. She's supposed to even have liked Dex for a little bit, but she didn't. She doesn't. She never will. Because she's different. So different. So, so, different.

Why is she thinking about this? She's supposed to be comforting Linh. Her brother was kidnapped, after all, that's far worse than having unresolved, wrong feelings for someone. Because these are wrong. Nobody has ever mentioned them, except to claim they're worse than bad matches. At least the bad matches are between a man and a woman.

No. Biana refuses to think that way. She's comforting Linh, and she doesn't feel that way about anyone. She doesn't! Right? Of course she doesn't.

They're all home now, and everything is horrible. Tam's gone, Keefe's mom has him. Linh is distraught, and there's nothing any of them can do about anything. Not even Biana, about these feelings she has. She needs to tell someone. Someone who will understand. But who? No one, that's who.

But she has an idea who will make these feelings go away, and then she won't need to talk to someone about them. She shouldn't be thinking about this right now, but she is.

That morning, she leaps to Foxfire, ignoring everyone trying to talk to her, and comfort her over the kidnapping of her 'crush.' She goes to Foxfire, and finds the physician's office closed. So she waits for almost an hour, and he arrives.

'Biana?'

'Hi, Elwin.'

'Are you doing okay? I heard what happened and-'

'I'm fine. It's not about yesterday. I don't want to think about yesterday.'

'Okay, well then, what is it about?' and he unlocks the office and lets her inside. 'Are you feeling alright?'

And suddenly Biana can't help it when tears fall from her eyes, or when she spills everything out to Elwin. What she's been feeling, what she wants, what she thinks everyone would say, what she needs him to do.

Elwin shakes his head, after a moment, and sighs. 'I hate what society has done to us.'

'What?' The Vacker girl sniffles, drying her eyes and trying to look composed after that outburst. 'Can you fix me?'

'Biana, there is nothing to fix. You're perfect the way you are.'

'But-'

'I know everyone expects you to be perfect, and you are! Just not in their twisted, warped sense of perfection. The kind people talk about. Not everyone really cares if you like boys or girls or everyone in between, they don't really care if you're born one thing and change to something else. People are selfish, and care about themselves. They don't care, they just pretend they do because of society. Your true friends won't care about this.'

'But-'

'No, Biana. I can't change emotions. I also wouldn't, even if I could. This is who you are, and you shouldn't try to change it. You should love you for you, and so should your friends.'

Biana sighs, and rubs her temples. 'Even if I stop trying to get rid of these feelings, society will still treat me like rubbish. Just, more rubbish than before. I'll be that Vacker girl who was pretending to be perfect, watched her evil brother die without much remorse, and…'

'You can say it. This is a safe space.'

'I know.'

'You should try telling your family about your feelings.'

'No!'

'Why not?'

She grimaces, and twists her hair through her fingers like Marella. 'Have you met my brother?'

'He might not mi-'

'Trust me, he will. He'll mind. A lot.'

The physician mutters something under his breath. 'I could come with you and explain who I really am? Would that help?'

'What do you mean?' she's glad the conversation is off of her. 'Do you…'

'Sort of.' He laughs, and Biana wishes she could be this sure of herself. She pretends to be, but… Oh well. Elwin's right. She should just accept herself. But can she?

'I am, what I believe is called non-binary, and pan.'

'What?'

He laughs again. 'It means I don't go by he, I go by they/them, and that I'm attracted to kinda everyone, it doesn't matter what gender they are, as long as I like them!'

'What!'

They nod, grinning at her. 'Is that a surprise?'

'Yes!'

'Does it change who I am?'

She considers this. 'Actually, no.'

'So then accept yourself, and maybe tell some about it! I told you, and I feel much happier thanI did five minutes ago, although that's partially because you were crying, but that doesn't matter.'

This time, Biana does more than smile. She laughs, and stands up, giving Elwin the biggest hug she's ever given anyone, ever. 'Thank you so much.'

'I didn't do anything.'

'You did so much.'

'It was all you.'

As Biana leaps back to Everglen, she decides to accept herself as who she is, although now she has to see what her family will say. It'll be a long, uphill battle, that's for sure.

I Won't Vanish for Long

'Biana? What's going on?' Della asks. She'd waited until all of the political stuff was over with, and everyone had calmed down, before she told anyone. Now she gathered her parents and brother together in Everglen's main room, and Woltzer and Grizelle are standing guard. Goblins…

'I wanted to tell you guys something,' She experimentally tugs on an eyelash like Sophie, but it doesn't work, so she just huddles into a seat, almost like Linh has been for the past few weeks. 'It's… Kind of important.'

'Whatever it is, we can deal with it together,' her dad says kindly.

'Is this why you went to see Elwin a few weeks ago? Is something wrong?' Della wonders.

'Sort of.'

'Just tell us. I'm sure it won't be that bad,' her brother says. She wonders if he'll feel that way once she comes out and says it. 'It's not going to be as bad as the time you filled my closet with your extra clothes,' he adds, giving her a small smile.

Oh. Yeah. 'Um. Speaking of closets…'

'Wait? This has to do with closets?' Fitz asks, almost laughing. But he doesn't. He can tell something is wrong.

'Well, it has to do with me coming out of it,' she murmurs, half hoping nobody hears her. But they do.

Fitz's smile drops, and their parents look confused. Her brother definitely understands, but they don't. She wrings her hands. 'I… I'm attracted to-'

'Do you have a crush?' exclaims Della, smiling. 'Who?'

'No. I don't have a crush. I wanted to tell you that…'

'Biana, you aren't!' Fitz yelps, standing up and moving away from her.

'So what if I am?'

'It's wrong!'

'It is not wrong! Ask Elwin!'

'You talked to Elwin about this?'

'Because Elwin understands! You obviously don't!'

'Of course I don't! This is wrong! So wrong!'

'Deal with it!' she yells, standing up and facing him fully. 'It's who I am! And do you know how hard it was to accept that?'

'You still accepted it! Even. Though. It's. Wrong!'

'It is not wrong!'

'What?' Their parents are standing now, watching this screamfest with uncertainty.

'Mom? Dad? I like girls.' And Biana vanishes, running out of the room and upstairs, throwing herself onto her bed and sobbing, sobbing, sobbing. She knew they wouldn't like it, but she hadn't expected that. That was…

She cries herself to sleep. Then, in the morning, she vanishes upstairs, and is about to use the leapmaster to go to Havenfield, but then she has second thoughts. Sophie is with her brother, and she obviously doesn't feel the same way.

'The Shores of Solace.'

This Will not Vanish

'Biana? What's wrong?' Keefe asks as the Vacker girl materialises outside his house. Thankfully, he's in a bench swing, so she doesn't have to go inside.

'I… I needed someone to talk to, and I figured you'd be the best person to talk to about this, I don't know why.'

'Oh. Well, uh, sit down.'

'Thanks.'

'So. What's wrong?' he asks when she sits down across from him, on another swing. 'You look- Hold on, did you sleep at all last night?'

'Sort of.'

'Oh. Are you okay?'

'Yeah.'

They sit in awkward silence for a few minutes, until Biana finally speaks. 'I told my parents I'm lesbian.' She holds her breath, wondering if Keefe will feel the same way Fitz does. He obviously doesn't.

'Really?'

'Um. Yeah,' she scrunches down into her seat, but smiles when he gives her the biggest grin ever.

'Wow! That's cool! I honestly thought you liked me!'

She laughs at that. 'I thought so too. I think I was supposed to. But, well, you know.'

'How did your family take the news?'

'I ran before I could see my parent's reaction, but Fitz… I think he hates me now.'

'Oh.' Keefe moves over and sits beside Biana, hugging her before turning around to face her. 'Whatever Fitz says, you're perfect the way you are.'

'You sound like Elwin. I talked to them about this too.'

'They?'

'Apparently Elwin is non-binary and pan.'

'What's that mean?'

She explains, and Keefe's face seems to grow bigger with his grin. 'Wow! So you aren't alone in this! Actually, you never were.' He smirks, and something pieces together in her head.

'Wait, are you-'

'The way you are?' He smirks even more. 'I think I'm gayer than you.'

At that, Biana and Keefe break down in laughter for a few minutes, and end up wiping happy tears from their faces. 'It took me a little while to get it, and I didn't have an amazing physician to talk to, but yeah!'

'What seems to be so funny?' Cassius asks, standing in the doorway, eyeing them.

Keefe just grins at his dad and wraps an arm around Biana. 'Nothing of your concern, old daddy-o.'

'You know what? I don't even want to be involved.' And the grumpy empath leaves them alone.

They fall into hysteric giggles again, and Biana feels happy, for the first time in a while. And Keefe understands her, and she understands Keefe. They just have to deal with telling their friends.

'We should tell Foster,' he decides once they stop laughing maniacally like hyenas.

'What?'

'Oooooooh! Does Biana have a cru-'

'No!' But now she's thinking about it, and she almost hates Keefe, but she doesn't. He's basically her best friend at this point.

'Hmm. Sophianna?'

'Keefe!'

'What?' he asks innocently.

'Shut up.'

'Okaaay,' he sing-songs, but then frowns. 'Is there a reason we shouldn't tell Foster?'

'She's with my brother, and, well…'

'Fitzy can't influence her that much.'

'Are you sure?'

'I'm sure.'

'Okay. When?'

'Now.'

'Oh.'

'What?'

'Nothing.'

'What's wrong?'

'Nothing's wrong!'

'Are you scared she'll be weird about it?'

She mutters something rude, and nods. 'Yeah.'

'She won't! I know Foster.'

'Fine.'

They leap to Havenfield, Biana hoping against hope that Sophie won't be home. She doesn't know why she's so scared, but she realises the reason as soon as they fade into Havenfield's pastures. Sophie is sitting under Calla's panakes tree, with Fitz. And he's glaring daggers at his younger sister.