AN: Here be the skit with one of the letters, the other one shall be uploaded after I'm done with Redemption Song. Fair warning lots of sugar ahead. I was strong-armed into not apologizing if this sucks, so this time: I made dis. Hopefully you will enjoy!
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Mr. Mathers Skit
'I'm so proud of you. I'm happy to know you enjoyed your trip, happier still to hear about you and Asuka. I wish you both nothing but happiness, you know that. Stop being a brat and stay safe this time.'
She folded the paper with care and slowly placed it in the envelope Asuka had facilitated. The cell was cold, as always, the chair too stiff and permanently digging into her back, the air stagnant and heavy with disinfectant. Not that different from the Geofront, in the end, she thought.
Ritsuko Akagi breathed in the stench, breathed out. Maya had not returned, not that day either, not ever. Rei was gone. Gendo Ikari had vanished from existence, leaving her to atone for his sins as well.
"Dinner time, doctor," the guard said from the heavy gate. "We got you that sushi you like. Ikari's orders."
"Thanks." Ritsuko smiled through the remorse and resignation. "Shinji has a girlfriend now, did you know?" she asked while handing over the letter and taking the food to her cot. "He and Asuka finally patched things up and got together."
"God damn, really? How is that not all over the news, doc? Last I heard they were living together, but only because Sohryu was helping him… heal." The guard hummed to himself and chuckled. "I honestly thought they'd kill each other before ever getting together."
"You and a very large portion of the world, apparently, according to the polls I conducted," she mentioned, and glanced at the nearest screen on her mainframe. "Crazy how everybody had written them off as lost causes. And you know exactly why this is not all over the news, Tanaka."
"But of course," the man said, barking out a louder laugh. "Does Ikari know about his actual guardian angel?"
"Pfft, don't insult the Angels, sir," she whispered. The sushi was delicious, fresh and saporous. Shinji always ensured the finest quality for her if unable to send food he himself had cooked. "They had the decency to only cause Shinji physical harm. I was the one breaking down his psyche, along with his father."
"Whatever you say, doctor," Tanaka replied with a bow. "Last time Ikari was here he gave you a hug. On his own volition, may I add. Back then he was still hooked on the sauce, on the pills and everything. Still, he always came to see you. Seven years, he never missed a visitation day. That's got to count for something, right?"
Ritsuko bit the inside of her cheek to keep the tears at bay; their salty aftertaste would spoil her scheduled visits were about the only times in which Shinji actively stayed sober. Many times he went as far as dressing in formal attires, and filing never-ending petitions to have her under house arrest.
Those small hugs are what has kept me from ending it all, a little ray of light in this permanent gloom, her mind responded. "I just want him to be safe. And happy, and healthy."
"Deja vu."
"What?" Ritsuko's head whipped in the man's direction. Asuka had used that very word in her last message. "What was that?"
"Uh, it's nothing. It's just, my mom told me the same thing this morning. 'Son, I want you to be healthy, and happy. Safe as well, if possible.'" The guard gave her a lopsided smile. "So, are you like Ikari's mom or something, doc?"
"'… is probably the last letter I will ever write. I wanted it to be addressed to you.'"
Shinji peeked from behind the paper to gaze into Asuka's eyes. Her fingers kept massaging his head in the manner he liked, her attention was focused sorely on him. It felt overwhelmingly pleasant. "Okay then," she said. "What a way to open, Shinji."
I was sure it was the end, the boy whispered. Shinji had long since forgotten to muzzle him. And all I could do was think about you.
"'You see,'" he carried on, clearing his throat. "'Ah, why bother. You've seen the news, or haven't. Who cares at this point? I got into another fight. Some fuc-, uhm. Some bastard insulted you in the bar I like to drown in. I tried being nice to him at first, I truly did. Doesn't matter what the news says; I asked him to stop. Politely. But he doubled down, so I sunk his face into the concrete. Some of his friends tried to tackle me, so I beat them up as well. Now I feel like sh… now I feel like crap for having hurt them. Pitiful, right? This is me now, this is the Third. This is Shinji."
Asuka's thumb ran across the scar atop his eyebrow. "Where was I when you wrote me this?"
"Thailand, on 'vacation' after you returned and started working at the hospital," Shinji replied. "Probably getting manhandled by your friend Trainer Gae while he screamed 'more hip, more power!'"
'''Ah, you doctor now? Doctor kick weak!' Ah, good times," Asuka mused, briefly gazing up at the ceiling. Her left hand caressed the line under his jawbone. "Carry on."
"'Remember that day, back when we were synch training?'" Shinji read. "' We went out for sodas after a disastrous session, and you were so adamant to succeed. I go back to that a lot. Sometimes to wonder what you'd think of me, sometimes to remember you looked pretty, sometimes to compare that image with the person you've become.'" He placed his hand on her own. The next words he knew by heart. "Thinking about you makes me feel like myself."
"That's…" Asuka interjected. The words caught in her throat. "What does that mean?"
"You were right when you said I created a persona," he elucidated. "I was drowning in it. After that fight, I had an anxiety attack. The guilt was eating me alive despite the drugs and the booze. I didn't recognize anything about myself, not a thing. So, I thought of you. I saw you that day after synch training. I saw you in that magazine, on the TV. I remembered… the battles," he continued, and guided Asuka's hand to his stomach. "The Angel melting my chest. Toji. Rei. Misato." His grip tightened. "You."
"I know what that feels like," Asuka revealed. "That's what your voice was to me."
Shinji nodded. "'I'm sure you haven't received any of my letters, nor most of the presents. That's fine. Whether I mean nothing to you or not, that's fine as well.'" Asuka flinched. Her hands stopped, but resumed their ministrations after he groaned in discomfort. "'I don't want to drone senselessly about my life, it's something I forfeited long ago. Instead, I want to use this one moment of clarity to ask a few things of you. I know, who am I to tell you how to live? I'm you, only… different, I guess. So in this one instance, Asuka, please do as I say, and not as I do.'"
"Oh. Lord Ikari meant business." Asuka tried to joke, yet her voice was humorless and saddened. "Do pontificate to me, oh wise Idiotic one."
"That's Lord Idiotic Ikari the Third, thank you." Shinji poked at her stomach in an effort to lift her spirits. "Anyway. 'Being alone for so long taught me something. I run away from people because it's less complicated that way for me. I don't have to fulfill any expectations, nor hurt them or be hurt by them. That's my blind reasoning. I'm just scared. So, don't be scared. You pretend never to be, but I know you, Asuka. Don't be scared. Keep living life as you have for these past two years. You look content in the pictures, I can see that fire in your eyes. Be with other people, though. Make new friends, if you haven't already. Call Hikari, she misses you.'"
"I do," Asuka replied, pouting. "We talk almost every day, now. Don't know about the whole 'new friends' thing, though."
"Krista is a new friend," Shinji teased. A flick landed on his forehead, so he pinched Asuka's thigh in retaliation. "'Appreciate the little things. A sunset, a good meal, a pat on the back, a genuine smile from a stranger. Being with someone whose company you enjoy." He read the following line and felt a pang of agony in his chest. "I'd implore you to be nice to your parents. After all these years, after having hallucinations, seeing warped versions of my own mother and father as tormentors, I have to admit I miss them. I know your father abandoned you once. I understand your stepmother played a large role in your alienation from your dad. I remember one morning before you left, you whispered 'I forgive you'. If you could forgive me of all people, please forgive your father. Hug him, tell him you love him. I'd hug my father if I could, after punching him in the face that is.'"
Both teens shared a brief laugh at the last line. "Fine," Asuka conceded quietly. "I'll cut the old man some slack."
"'Your father constantly worries for you,'" he read further, as if to enforce her decision. "'I know from a few sources, since I'm a creep and I follow you around. I also know you've been easing up on him a little. That makes me happy. Funny, huh. Drugs don't make me happy, neither does fighting or drinking. Thinking about you having a stable relationship with your father does. God, I'm so fucked up. Anyway, back to lecturing you.'"
The couple snickered once more.
"Baka," Asuka murmured. "Would you really hug old man Ikari?"
"Yeah, but I'd deck him first," Shinji said, presenting his left fist to her. "Really fucking hard. Ow."
"Language."
"Language. 'Your diligence and pursuit of health in the past few years have made me wonder if I could ever do something about my own pathetic state. Sometimes I really want to, so that makes you an inspiration, I guess. Most mornings I have none to get out of bed, then I think of you yelling at me to get my lazy butt up, and it works. So, whatever is pushing you, whatever fire that's burning in your soul, let it scald. Keep feeding it, please continue on this path for a better life. If I had any strength left in me, and if you'd have me, I'd like to be there. You wouldn't even have to acknowledge I exist, but simply being a bystander to your triumph would suffice. Even watching from afar, here stuck in this empty apartment, has been a privilege.'"
She's quiet, Shinji realized. Asuka's eyes were partially hidden under her hair. Her left hand lay on his chest, fingers drawing lazy circles on his skin, while her right played with his locks.Position the target in the center, pull the switch.
"'I heard from good sources you even quit taking Diazepam,'" he continued. Nostalgia and heartache mingled in his chest recalling the day he had written those lines. "'I'd honestly be a horrible influence if you were near me. Maybe what happened that day seven years ago was bound to happen. You had to be free of me in order to blossom into the incredible person you are today. Stay on that good path, Asuka. Be happy. Stay healthy. And maybe when I'm gone, come visit my grave?'"
Concern slightly masked with annoyance glistened in Asuka's eyes, yet she said nothing.
"'You know, I thought something on one of those nights we shared after Third Impact. Yeah. Me, think? In that condition where I could barely talk? I did, though. While you were sleeping and holding onto my shirt, I felt like we were both incomplete. Something was missing, right? You felt it, too. Like each of us was half of a cracked cup. So I thought.'" Shinji cupped Asuka's cheek and stared into her eyes, unblinking. "We might be broken just in the right way, that somehow our shards fit well enough to make a half-decent piece."
His gaze drew to the letter. "'Maybe that's why I miss you so terribly, even after so long. Those night, the memories of our walks, of you talking to me through the night even when I couldn't reply, they've kept me alive. Thank you, Asuka, for all of it. For the good, the bad and the worst. I treasure it all in whatever is left of my heart and soul. I wish for nothing but happiness and a long, pleasant life for you, even if I'm never in it. This concludes the lecture. Half-assed and pathetic, eh? Can't close without apologizing, though. I'm sorry. You know why. And… I'd like to be selfish. I'd like to feel whole again. I'd like to see you, cook for you, sleep next to you and wake you up when you have a bad dream. I'd like to hold you again. I'd do it properly this time, and I would never let go.'"
Shit. The following words had been written with his clearest, most elegant kanji. Air constricted in Shinji's chest, his heartbeat doubled, then doubled again once Asuka glanced at him. You mustn't run away. Come on. Spit it out.
"I, uh, gotta go to the bathroom," Shinji managed awkwardly. He handed over the letter and dashed away.
"What the hell, idiot? What kind of a stupid way to end-, wait. Oh."
Silence. After pretending to flush and drink some water, Shinji forced his stiff legs to the bed. The room was already shrouded in darkness. His girlfriend lay with her back to him, and ensnared his frame without warning after his head hit the pillow. She hid her face in his chest, quiet still.
Yeah. That's the feeling I remember. The fear and embarrassment faded with each of Asuka's deep, even breaths. Sleep evaded him, so after what felt like hours Shinji breathed in. His voice came out in a whisper.
"I love you."
Asuka nodded into his shirt, making Shinji's pulse skyrocket. "Me too," she whispered. "I love you, too."
To Be Concluded...
AN: As promised, the skit. Well a part of it kek. The rest will come upon the next, and last installment of this lil fic o' mine, titled Beautiful. It's prolly gonna come in two parts, like the latest updates, serving as an epilogue. So, the last chap will prolly pick up where Deja vu left off, then jump a few years for the final scenes. Anyhow, I can only once again thank you all for coming with me on this wacky journey!
As always, please remember to stay healthy, drink water, hug your parents, love your pets, go on walks in nature, enjoy sunsets, yell at your neighbors for no reason, start random conversations with fascinating sctrangers, go on adventures, enjoy every moment, cherish every memory, good or bad, and… read and review! Wuu! Much love yall!
PEACE.