Chapter 3
A/N: Thank you sooooo much to Finneganhart for beta-ing and helping me work through some of the kinks! (I'm a nut and have apparently decided on even another bonus chapter? LOL why can't I quit while I'm ahead!) :) Hope you enjoy!
—-
They laid in bed, fully clothed and staring at the ceiling. He started off slow, asking what she remembered. She remembered hitting the bomb, seeing a flash of searing white light, and him coming down into the remnants of the shaft to hold her as she died. That was it.
So, he picked up where her memory left off. He told her about taking her to the temple. Seeing what they did to Sayid. Bringing her back to the house to try to keep her safe. Splinting her leg. The fear. The icepick behind his eyes that he lived with for days, not knowing how any of this was going to turn out.
And then the rest just came tumbling out of him. The feelings, everything he'd experienced, spewed out like word vomit. He couldn't stop. It was like he'd been backed up for days, without the ability to talk to her, and now he was uncorked and spilling every thought he'd had into one long, run-on sentence that was probably overwhelming her. But she didn't seem to mind. She kept her eyes trained on him, taking everything in with that quiet observance that she was known for. Occasionally, she'd react - he could see it in her face - but she let him get it out of his system without interrupting.
James paused, his chest feeling tight, when he got to the part about Sayid, Jin, and Sun.
"Do you want to take a break?" she asked softly, and he did, but he didn't. He thought back to all those times he drank so much he'd vomit. How god-awful it felt, the acidic burn of the alcohol coming back up his esophagus, stinging his throat and choking him with his shame. But after it was done, his stomach would feel a little better. Empty, but not as sick. It would be enough to at least allow him to sleep.
"No," he said, and the word felt heavy. He needed to tell her.
As expected, she cried. He recounted what Jack had told him about what had happened down there. He tried everything not to think about that little orphaned girl they'd left behind, but he couldn't stop. When he got too choked up to continue, Juliet laid her head on his chest, hugging him tight.
"I'm so glad you weren't on that sub, James," she whispered against his t-shirt, and planted a kiss just above his heart.
In the deepest pits of his soul, James was glad he wasn't either.
If it had to be them or him, he was glad it wasn't him.
What kind of friend did that make him? What kind of person?
Despite saying he didn't need a break, Juliet knew better. After a few minutes of holding him, she extricated herself from James's arms and went to the bathroom. Her eyes were still red from crying silent tears onto his shirt.
When she was done, she grabbed the applesauce and two spoons from the kitchen and brought it back to where James was now sitting up against the headboard, lightheaded and burnt out. They ate in silence, each taking a turn dipping the spoon into the jar.
"Hurley said I should have died," she said suddenly, the empty spoon loose in her grip. "I know you said I was in a coma, but it's another thing to hear it from someone else."
James swallowed, remembering the taste of her blood on his lips. "Yeah. It was pretty bad."
"Maybe I was meant to," she added, so quiet and distant that James almost didn't hear it.
"No," he argued, adamant. "Ya weren't."
She looked up at him, a challenge in her eyes. "How do you know?"
He thought briefly about what Jacob had said. About how she'd 'fulfilled her destiny.' He wondered what that even was, when being with her was his destiny.
"I just do," he snapped, and put the empty jar on the nightstand, along with their spoons. It clattered against the wood. His stomach growled, but he ignored it.
"Then how do you explain what I saw?" she asked, her gaze softening a fraction.
"Why're you still on that? I dunno why the brain does what it does. You're the doctor." He was being snippy, but he didn't want to think anymore about how close he'd come to losing her. It was still too fresh.
"I'm not saying I wish I'd died, James. I'm just… still wrapping my head around the fact that I didn't, is all." She put her cheek on his shoulder and grasped his hand. He squeezed - hard - until he could feel her bones under his hand.
"You ain't goin' nowhere. Not anymore," he assured her, thinking that was what she needed to hear.
"No. I don't suppose we are."
The comment caught him off-guard. "What's that supposed to mean?"
Juliet sighed, a long exhale through her nose. "You're the new Jacob, aren't you? From what I understand, Jacob could never leave."
James felt a pang in his chest, like the reverberations of a gong. Oh shit.
"Like… never?"
Juliet shrugged one shoulder. "I don't know. I never met him. I don't know how it works."
Panic was pumping through his veins. "Well… who would know?"
"Richard, maybe?" Her voice sounded distant, even though she was right beside him. He was bound here. He could never leave. But he'd promised that he'd get her home someday.
"Guyliner's gone. They all are."
Juliet tensed, and moved her head to look up at him in confusion. "All?"
And so he finished his story. How they'd used the Ajira plane to leave the island - for good. How, with Jack and Kate's help, he'd killed the smoke monster, once and for all. How the earth had trembled and Desmond had been the key to ending it all. Even though he still didn't know what the guy had done in that cave.
"So that's what Hurley meant. Desmond shouldn't be here," she concluded. James shook his head, agreeing with her.
"None of us should."
"But someone had to take Jacob's place. Which means… it's over now."
He wasn't sure what to say. It felt over… but it also didn't. He had unfinished business, especially where she was concerned. But if he couldn't leave…
His throat felt tight. He couldn't make her stay, either. He wouldn't do that to her.
"Maybe Ben will know," she added, when James didn't say anything.
"I'm sorry. I shoulda told you he was still here…" James thought about how they'd just seen Ben, little Ben, a few days ago. How weird it was, seeing him now the way he'd first known him.
Juliet shook her head, lying down on her side. She dragged him down with her, so they were lying face to face. "He loves it here. It's his home. He won't leave."
He saw the flicker in her eyes as they started to well again. But she smiled at him, pushing through the misery trying to drown her. "I'm not under his thumb. Not anymore."
He was glad she felt that way. Because if Ben so much as looked at her the wrong way, he'd wrap his hands so tightly around the guy's throat, his eyes would bug out of his skull permanently.
"You don't gotta be afraid of him anymore. I got you."
She grinned, for real this time. "I know." She inched forward, pressing her lips to James's mouth. It was a sweet, chaste kiss, but it was enough to soothe him. They may not have everything figured out, but they had time.
"I love you, Juliet," he whispered against her mouth. He opened his eyes to the deepest blues, inches from his face.
"I love you so much, James. And thank you. For saving me. For everything. I'll never be able to repay you."
He wanted to ask her. Right here and now. But he was scared she'd take it the wrong way. That she'd feel indebted to him, and would do anything he wished for her to do - including agreeing to marry him. But there was no debt; there was nothing to repay. He'd saved her because he was selfish. Because he couldn't live without her. He knew that now.
It wasn't the right time. But something else would come along, he was sure of it. In the meantime, they had each other, and that was enough.
It was going to be his new mantra.
—-
They woke up starving after their impromptu afternoon nap. James finished off the rest of the cornflakes, grumbling about not having any milk, and Juliet heated up some Dharma Spaghetti-o's on the stove.
Despite wanting more time alone with her, James allowed Juliet to sway him into inviting everyone over - Rose, Bernard, Ben, Hurley, and Desmond - to figure out what was going to happen next. It's what a leader would do, she said, and he'd begrudgingly agreed.
It was early evening by the time they gathered at James and Juliet's house - Ben hovering by the window, everyone else seated around the small living room. James stood behind Juliet who sat in the armchair, one hand perched possessively on one of her shoulders. If Ben was surprised to see him touching her like this, he didn't show it.
James felt awkward with everyone's eyes on him. He felt like a fraud, standing up in front of them, pretending like he knew what the hell he was doing.
But he had to pretend. For their sakes.
"I'll bet y'all have got lots of questions. But I'll start by sayin' I don't have all the answers." He looked to Desmond, who looked black and blue, like he'd been to hell and back. "I know ya wanna go home, and I'll do whatever it takes to get ya there. But I don't know when that'll be."
Desmond swallowed. "Aye. I 'preciate the honesty, but we can't just keep sittin' 'round. We need to do something."
James nodded. "I agree. I'm sure y'all heard by now… that I kinda, ya know, took Jacob's place as protector of the island, or whatever." James chanced a glance in Ben's direction. He was seething, mouth in a tight line, but saying nothing. "But I don't plan on bein' as strict as the last guy. Whoever wants to go can go, and whoever wants to stay can stay. I ain't no dictator. Ya get me?"
"Rose and I want to stay," Bernard offered, and squeezed Rose's hand. "We're happy here."
James couldn't help but smile back at them. They'd done him a real solid, stepping in like they had. He wasn't sure what he would have done without them.
"Alrighty. Sounds good to me. Who else?"
Desmond scoffed, but said nothing. His answer was obvious.
"I plan on staying," Ben said quietly, and Juliet's shoulder tensed under James's hand. He squeezed, massaging a little. It didn't matter that they'd known he'd say that. It would be hard, living near the weasel every day again. The kid had been weird, sure, but he hadn't been a monster. Just a lonely, mistreated kid - not unlike James himself had been once upon a time. It was hard to rectify what he'd seen just last week with the smarmy man in front of him now.
"Figures," James grumbled in response. "No good deed goes unpunished. How 'bout you, Hugo?"
Hurley looked like a deer in headlights. "I don't know. Do - do I have to decide right now?"
James shook his head. "No. But in the meantime, we just need time to regroup. Figure this shit out." He turned to Rose and Bernard. "Y'all can stay here in the barracks as long as ya want. When ya wanna head back, feel free. But let me know if ya change your minds." They nodded.
He turned to Hurley. "I know ya don't know anymore'n I do about what's goin' on, but I could really use your help. You with me?"
"Sure, dude," Hurley smiled. It warmed James's chest. He wasn't sure when he'd seen it last.
Then he turned to Desmond. "You know where the food drop is?"
Desmond scoffed. "'Course I do, mate. I only lived off it for years."
James nodded once in acknowledgment. "Good. Take the van and go get it - keys are in the front seat. We're runnin' low on supplies here. Take Hugo with you if ya want, but we need to hunker down here with as much as we can get. Then we can figure out what our options are for gettin' y'all off this rock, once and for all."
Desmond gave him a mock solute. "Aye, aye." He clasped Hurley on the shoulder and the two men left the house.
Rose and Bernard stood, and James said, "You're free to go. We'll catch up later."
When they got to the door, Juliet stood and stepped forward. "And thank you. For everything," she added, and hugged her arms around her stomach like she was cold.
Rose broke away from Bernard to put her arms around Juliet's shoulders. She kissed her cheek and murmured, "Anytime, dear. We're glad to see you're okay." She pulled away, holding Juliet at arm's length. Her eyes twinkled mischievously as she added, "That man would do anything for you. You know that?"
James grinned to himself, catching Juliet's eye as she turned to look at him over her shoulder. Without breaking eye contact, Juliet almost purred, "I know."
With a chuckle, Rose broke away and her and Bernard filed out of the house. Juliet looked lighter somehow as she traipsed back to his side, a soft smile on her mouth.
Now, for the elephant in the room, James thought miserably. The aggravation was growing like a weed in his gut, and Ben hadn't even said anything yet.
James crossed his arms across his chest, facing Ben. He gave him the kind of stare that showed him exactly what he thought of him - filled with vile, pulsing hatred. "Now it's your turn, Bugs. You're the reason we ain't got a way off this rock anymore."
Ben rolled his eyes, but shifted with obvious discomfort. "Actually, James, it was John Locke who exploded my submarine," he corrected, and glanced at Juliet. "Just ask her," he added, and it had the intended effect.
James's eyes blazed, but not as hotly as Juliet's. She remembered. He knew.
"What options do we have left, Ben?" she asked, her voice cold and made of stone.
Ben shrank a little, trying to find a clever way out of this interrogation. "Well, I suppose there's the boat your friends took over to Hydra."
"What else?" James grunted.
Ben pretended to think. "Hmm. I'm not sure… It's so hard keeping track of my things when everyone else keeps playing with them."
James didn't miss the way Ben's eyes darted to Juliet.
He stepped forward, feeling a rush of blood to his head. "Don't you fucking dare," he seethed. He took another menacing step forward, sticking his finger towards Ben. "You don't look at her. You don't talk to her. You don't even think about her, or I'll - "
"James." Juliet's voice was soft from behind him. Like a ray of sunlight cutting through a heavy rain cloud, it pulled him back from his anger. "I got this," she added, and tugged lightly on his arm.
Against his better judgment, James relented, and allowed her to pull him back from throttling range. "You sure?" he whispered to her, and she nodded.
Juliet stood in front of Ben, her hands slipped comfortably into her jeans pockets. She looked at him curiously, like he was something to be studied. It was uncomfortable for Ben, James could tell, to be on the receiving end of her indifference. Whether it was being forced on Juliet's part, James wasn't sure. They hadn't talked much about Ben in the last couple days, and James couldn't say for certain where she was emotionally - with the man standing right in front of them, and not the helpless boy from last week.
Ben, under the heft of Juliet's gaze, shifted on one foot. He tried pushing his shoulders back to make himself look taller, but it was clear to James that he was struggling with the new power dynamic.
"I understand why you kept me here, Ben," Juliet said assuredly, and gave Ben a sad, almost sympathetic smile. Only her eyes were hard - hiding any pain or discomfort Ben's presence was causing.
"And why is that?" he challenged, but James heard the waver in his voice.
Juliet took a deep breath. "Because. You don't like being left behind, do you?"
"Whatever do you mean by that, Juliet?" Ben responded, mouth falling into a little confused frown.
"Everyone leaves you. Your mother, your friend, Annie. I met her, you know. She was a lovely girl. But then she left you behind. And then you thought maybe taking Alex would ensure you were never alone, but she always wanted to leave you too. Roger wasn't very nice to you. I know that. I saw it. So it shouldn't come as a surprise that you're as dissatisfied with yourself as you are. Why you try and exert so much power over others. Because you know firsthand how it feels to be powerless. Don't you?"
Ben was pale, his eyes narrowed with some emotion James couldn't identify. He stood back to allow Juliet the floor, certain he could see the color draining from the man's cheeks. But this psychological flogging felt almost as good as his fists would feel against Ben's face. Almost.
"You kept me here because you didn't want to be alone. You saw me as just another mousy introvert, a follower. And you were willing to do whatever it took to keep someone else you cared about from leaving you behind without another thought. But that's not how normal people treat the ones they care for."
Ben sucked in a breath. "You're wrong. I kept you because there was work to be done. Because Jacob willed it so."
Juliet shook her head. "No, Ben. It had nothing to do with Jacob. You never even talked to him, did you?"
Ben looked like he wanted to argue, but for once, he struggled to find the words. "I didn't need to. I knew enough. I knew you had to stay. I remember you. I wasn't sure how, or why, but you… you were familiar. And if you had gone home to your sister, you wouldn't have been able to fulfill your destiny."
Juliet scoffed. She'd suspected as much, that Ben knew who they were all along - or at least knew who she was. She'd always wondered aloud to James, mostly when she was drunk and couldn't help it, if Ben had only brought her here because of her meeting him as a child. And now she knew for sure - or so he claimed.
"My destiny is none of your concern, Ben."
"It is when it puts the entire island at risk!"
James stepped forward. He was fine letting her take the reins, even if it meant reining in his own loathing, but he'd had enough. "The island ain't at risk no more. So unless you wanna be kicked the hell off for the rest of your miserable little life, you're gonna get me what I ask for."
Ben sputtered. "You wouldn't. I belong here!"
"And I'm the one rulin' over it now."
Silence stretched between them, permeated by the sounds of Ben's heavy breathing. James felt like this had gone on long enough. He needed to get out of here. He needed to think.
Ben kept Juliet on the island so he didn't have to be alone.
The thought carried a weight James wasn't yet ready to face. He'd done the same exact thing once upon a time. But he couldn't let himself do it again. Not when freedom was finally in arm's reach for her.
Something changed on Ben's face. He looked resigned. "Fine," he relented. "I suppose I can contact my people on the mainland. See what we're dealing with."
James huffed. "Good. Get on it." He shuddered to think that Ben could have done this years ago. All those people who'd died… it had been all for nothing. Ben could have gotten them home, and had chosen not to. All because he thought Jacob wouldn't allow it.
Well he wasn't Jacob. Those days were over. If the island had to remain a secret, then fine. But he was nobody's warden.
"Thank you, Ben," Juliet smiled tightly, her face barely holding back the tide of spite; and just because she could, she wove her arm around James's lower back. Ripples of pride coursed under his skin. She was his, and he was hers, and Ben had no power over her now. She was free - or almost, he supposed
Ben moved towards the door, but he paused with his hand just above the handle. Then he opened it and said, "I couldn't help but notice… you said you were going to send them home."
James's stomach lurched. "So?"
"I'd almost forgotten that you can't leave, as protector. Hmm... Pity." Ben's eyes narrowed, flicking over to Juliet. "What a difficult choice to make indeed."
He turned and left without another word, and the weight of the silence he'd left behind was stifling. Suffocating. That son of a bitch.
James felt hollow. Like he'd just had his diary read in front of all his classmates. All his deepest fears, spoken aloud for judgment. Had he really been so transparent? Had Ben really picked up on, so easily, what James had been painfully digesting all day?
He didn't want to have this conversation now. He wasn't ready to hear her try to let him down gently.
Because he couldn't compete with Rachel. He knew he couldn't.
"How ya feelin'?" James asked, turning towards her. He pretended to assess her for physical impairments. He needed to steer this conversation far away from Ben's insensitivity.
She looked pale, but otherwise okay. She gave no indication that Ben had rattled her too much. But James knew better. It was only a matter of time. She'd need to process, and then it would come out. She'd be on the boat with Desmond and Hurley, he just knew it. It was only a matter of time.
Juliet ran a hand up and down the side of his abdomen. "Better. I think. I'm trying not to hold his cruelty against him anymore. I'm trying to remember how he got here. To… that."
"He's a grown man. He don't got anyone to blame for his actions but himself." He knew this from experience, didn't he? Was he any better than Ben?
She sighed and pulled away from him. The absence of her left James's skin calling out for her warmth. "I need to go get the laundry. It's probably done by now. And then maybe take a shower after. You in?"
James grinned, trying not to let his anxiety show on his face. It felt like an olive branch, or a time-out called on the field. She wasn't stupid. She'd heard what Ben said, but she was choosing not to let him get the best of her. At least, not now. Not while she was still playing catch up from all the time she'd missed.
"I got a few things to do first, but I'll meet ya there." He kissed the side of her head and headed for the front door. But he paused in the doorway, watching her stride down the hall. She seemed unhurried. She seemed okay.
He wasn't sure where he wanted to go, but he needed to get out. The pressure of this new job was starting to take its toll, and James didn't know what he was doing. He didn't want to do this alone, and though he supposed he wasn't for now, he knew it wouldn't last long. If he was lucky, he'd have a week with her, maybe more. Then they'd say their goodbyes, and she'd make some sad quip about being right all along. That this never would have lasted between them, after all. He'd kiss her one last time, and try to override his own burning selfishness by letting her go.
Hell, maybe he could convince Hugo to head home to Miami with her, to keep her company. He didn't want her to be alone ever again.
Which would leave him stuck here with Ben.
James grit his teeth. He couldn't help but consider the irony in that. She'd be leaving them both behind.
He found his way to the dock. He should have known he'd end up there. It was where he asked her to stay the first time. Where she'd given up her chance at leaving the island, because he was no better than Ben.
He loved her, and she loved him. He knew that. But she'd been away from home for longer than any of them. She deserved it, more than anyone, to go back to her old life. A life James wasn't sure how he'd fit into.
He sat with his nauseating melancholy until the sun went down. No doubt Juliet was wondering where he was. He wondered if she showered without him.
As soon as Ben got them some kind of way off this island, she would be the first one he'd put on it. He'd make damn sure of that. Because he was determined - he would be nothing like Ben.
—-
A strange look passed over Juliet's face the next day. She was naked in his arms, spent from a morning of reconnection. James had joked about testing her stamina, and she'd climbed on top of him with wicked glee, saying she felt better than ever.
She looked up at him, eyes searching his. She looked confused. "They're back."
"Who?" James asked, thinking she must have heard someone approach the house. Or maybe she'd been dreaming, drifting off from utter fulfillment.
"Hurley and Desmond. They have the supplies. They're crossing over the sonic fence right now."
James's stomach plummeted as cold dread coated his skin. That couldn't be possible. She shouldn't know that. "How the hell you know that?"
Juliet looked mystified. "I don't - I don't know…"
He wasted no time. He pulled himself out from under her, slid some pants over his bare legs, and headed towards the front of the house. It was like second nature - going to the security station, overgrown with weeds and decay.
But then he paused, skidding to a stop on bare feet. He didn't need the cameras. Because she was right. He hadn't noticed it before, drifting through satiated bliss, but he felt it now.
He knew exactly where they were.
He turned around, racing back to the house. When he flung open the door, Juliet was standing there in the living room in nothing but his t-shirt and a pair of underwear. "Do you feel it too?" she asked, on the edge of hysteria.
He shook his head in dismay. "What is that?" he breathed, and raked a hand roughly through his hair.
"I don't know. I don't know. I just felt it this morning. I didn't feel this yesterday."
James thought about how it had taken him a little while too, for the island's tendrils of power to weave under his skin. At first, he'd only felt her. He'd been so laser-focused on her (always on her, nothing but her) and now…
Now he felt more.
His hands were trembling as he reached for her. "Juliet… this ain't right… Jacob didn't… You weren't…" He couldn't find the words. How could he explain how this had been handed over to him, this mantle of great responsibility? How could she possibly be sharing in this with him, feeling what he felt, when he hadn't passed it on to her?
But she'd drank from the stream. Just as he had. James assumed the Latin words had been the equivalent of 'Abracadabra' or some shit; that the power transfusion had been activated by some ancient phrase that opened the door.
But perhaps that wasn't it at all. Perhaps he'd been wrong.
God, he'd fucked up.
His breaths came rapidly. His chest heaved with the weight of what he'd done.
He'd bound her here. Without meaning to, with good intentions, just as he'd done on that dock three years ago, he'd shackled her, once again, to this fucking island.
He couldn't do anything right. He ruined everything he touched.
Juliet's hands smoothed over his bare chest. She kissed his collarbone, the scar on his shoulder, the base of his neck. "It's okay," she murmured against him, but it wasn't enough. The guilt was eating him alive inside.
What had he done?
And even worse than that… was that… joy? Relief? Was he so fucked up and so terrified of being alone, of leading alone, that he was… glad?
What the fuck was wrong with him?
"I'm so sorry," he choked, and then her hands were cupping the sides of his face.
She opened her mouth to speak, but then they heard the van pulling up outside. It rattled and rumbled, barely hanging on. Juliet's attention drifted to the door. Hurley appeared in the doorway, his smile falling as he realized what he'd stumbled upon.
His cheeks grew pink when he saw Juliet had no pants on. "Oh, um. Sorry. The door was open, so…" He cleared his throat and turned right back around.
"Go," Juliet urged. "I'll be there in a minute." She dropped her hands from his face, running them along the lengths of his tanned arms. She squeezed his hands once before turning to head back to their bedroom.
The panic attack may have been subverted, but this wasn't over. James needed to find a way out of this. He needed to right this wrong, and fast.
—-
The day passed quickly, with James running around all over the compound, trying to make everyone comfortable. Supplies were equally dispersed, and he helped his small group secure their houses. He'd leave it up to them, whether they wanted to fix the crumbling structures or not. But at least now the broken windows were boarded up and the debris was cleared away. For the most part.
Ben went back to his old house. Hurley and Desmond took Juliet's old house. James cleared her belongings out of it and brought them to the one they shared (even though it wasn't technically theirs anymore), and Rose and Bernard took up residence in a house further away from the others. James couldn't say he blamed them. They went from having total privacy to this. Whatever this was.
He was sore and exhausted, grimy and sweaty, by the time he got back home. He creeped inside, hoping she'd be asleep by now. Otherwise, what had been the point? He'd kept busy in the hopes that avoiding her would distance himself from his guilt. That maybe they could just go one more day without talking about… anything. That he could pretend, for a little while longer, that he hadn't royally fucked up her life.
He wasn't sure what she'd done all day. That is, until he got home.
It looked… immaculate. She'd cleaned; vacuumed, wiped down every flat surface, washed all the dishes that were now spread out on the counters and dining room table, air-drying on towels. The food he'd left on the inside of the doorway was tucked away somewhere out of sight. Given the soft smell of detergent underneath the sharp odor of bleach, he assumed she must have done all the laundry, too.
He sighed and toed off his boots. He left them and his filthy clothes by the door, not wanting to tarnish or disturb all that she'd worked for.
The shower was hot - gloriously, almost orgasmically hot. And sure enough, the towel he used smelled fresh, not musty like the one from yesterday. He took his time in the bathroom. Lotioning his entire body from head to toe, shaving the untamed growth from his face. He brushed his teeth, and even flossed, if only to try and feel an ounce of humanity again.
The undercurrent of power still thrummed beneath his skin. It was deeply unsettling.
James left his old boxers in the hamper that now resided in the bathroom. He stepped into the hallway, naked and weary, and braced himself.
He should have known she'd be awake. He cracked the door open and saw her, curled in a ball on their bed in the complete darkness. She raised her head slightly to look at him. He could tell she'd been crying, though she wasn't now.
It cracked his chest wide open, and he wondered if maybe this was it. Maybe this would be the last straw - the thing that finally pushed her away. Miraculously, she seemed to have let go of the Kate thing that, at one point, he'd been sure would rip them apart. But maybe she'd been cleaning to rid the house of any trace of him. Anything that could have withstood the test of time and tenants, lingering like a sour odor or unwanted visitor.
"Hey," he said, and he felt resigned. He suddenly felt very exposed, standing here like this.
But she merely gave him a small smile in return, and, to his great relief, opened up the covers for him.
He closed the door behind him, cutting off the stream of light. Muscle memory brought him to the bed without tripping, and he slid against the soft, warm sheets. He wasn't sure what to expect here, after what they'd discovered this morning, but he was pleasantly surprised yet again by the way her arms snaked around him. How she clung to him, pressing her pajama-clad body against his and breathing in the scent of him. Being held, especially like this, was too intimate for James to even process.
He felt unworthy of it. So he pulled away.
"Don't," she uttered, and it sounded strangled. "You don't get to do that. Don't turn this into something it's not."
James sighed, lying on his back with her arm still draped over his stomach. "Juliet - "
"No. Don't," she said again with more force. She sat up on her elbow and looked down at him. "I'm not stupid, James. I know you've been avoiding me today."
"I was just - "
"I said don't." James stiffened, the rest of his explanation dying on his tongue. "I love you. Do you know what that means?" Juliet whispered. She used one hand to turn his face towards her, forcing him to look at her. "It means I see you. All of you. I know you like I know myself. And I know what you were doing today."
James spent the day wondering if this thing between them would be over. Once she processed everything Ben had said. He wondered, briefly, if it was because that was what he thought he deserved.
But this… he didn't deserve this.
She kissed the crease between his eyebrows, and her touch soothed him down to the bone. "I'm angry," she whispered again, though it confused the hell out of him to hear it. If she was angry, why was she rubbing her hand over his chest? Why was she kissing him, and comforting him, and not screaming at him for ruining her life?
It was like she read his mind because she pressed her lips into a thin line. "I'm not angry because of what I am. What we are, now. I'm angry that you left me alone. To handle it, to process it, all by myself. I'm angry you didn't talk to me, James." There was an almost undetectable dip in her voice. But James loved her. And he knew her. She was hurting, and he could hear it in the way she was holding herself back.
He sighed. "I dunno what to say… I'm just - I'm sorry. Okay? For all of it." He'd never not be sorry. "I just wanted to save you. I never wanted to force ya into stayin'." Even now, saying the words aloud burned his throat.
Juliet sighed too, and it felt like it started from the very depths of her belly. "I gave up a long time ago, James. You know this. I made peace with the fact that I was going to die on this island. You saved my life… nothing about that was malicious or deceitful. You didn't mean for this to happen. This thing with me… it's not your fault."
He felt a hitch in his breathing. "But this isn't what I wanted for you. For either of us."
The little devil that lived on his shoulder whispered in his ear: Isn't it, though?
James had never felt so alive, so happy, than on the island with her. He may not love the place, but here he wasn't just a criminal. Here, he was LaFleur, head of security. They'd spent three years here, living in seventies suburbia. He couldn't care less about the cult; they had comfort, and a roof over their heads, and each other. He'd only spent three months on the island as a castaway. Three years was a long time; he'd almost forgotten what that hopelessness had even been like, before.
Did he really want to leave that behind? Did he want to have to change his name, working odd jobs as he flew under the government's radar (and that of his old enemies)?
Here, he was important. He'd been important, and now he was important again. Sure, he'd changed his name here, and still flown under the radar of everyone who'd ever wanted revenge against him. But he had her. And she made him feel important. If they went back to the States, and she went back to being a doctor… where would that leave him? Leave them?
"Turn it off," Juliet demanded, and pulled her top over her head. She was braless, and the sight ripped him right out of his downward spiral.
"Turn what off?" he managed to croak.
She lifted her hips, sliding out of her pajama pants and underwear. She flung them on the floor beside the bed. "Your brain. I can practically hear the gears turning," she answered simply. She raised herself up until she was straddling his hips. His mouth dropped open.
"What're you doin'?" he managed to ask, even as she ran her hands along his bare stomach. It was more of a rhetorical question. He knew what she wanted. He could feel her heat pressed against him, between her thighs.
James watched as she shook her head, seemingly dismayed by his stupidity. She leaned forward, her breasts skimming his chest. Her lips ghosted over his, featherlight and teasing.
"I'm helping you, James."
"Helping me?"
"Yes," she grinned. "I'm helping you forget."
—-
Despite James's instincts not to trust Ben, he came through for them. He made arrangements for a ship to pick up Desmond and Hurley in two weeks' time. He even got them to relay a message to Penny, to let her know Desmond was okay and that he would be brought to Los Angeles soon. The plan was to take the Elizabeth to the rendezvous point, just past Hydra Island. There, a large fishing vessel would bring them aboard, and James and Ben would sail back to the main island where Juliet would be waiting.
She insisted on coming too. James insisted otherwise.
It was strange, the rhythm they fell into over the next two weeks. Juliet was already James's most trusted advisor, but now that she held the power of the island too, it seemed like he wasn't burdened with this monumental responsibility all alone after all. She took charge in areas he didn't care for, and he loved her all the more for it.
She'd been the one to insist on making peace with the folks left behind in the temple; James had wanted to leave them be.
She'd said quite clearly that anyone who came after them needed a comfortable place to live, and insisted that Ben make arrangements to fix up the barracks in whatever way he saw fit. James hadn't wanted to pull Ben into anything more than they already had, but he knew she was right. The yellow bungalows had seen better days. (This he knew for sure.)
It seemed he was the left hand of their leadership duo - logistical, tactical, preparative, and she was the right - thoughtful, supportive, and caretaking. It was the kind of dynamic he'd always dreamed of - one that he should have known she'd step right into without complaint.
It didn't dissuade his guilt, but the 'id' part of his brain was screaming with joy that he didn't have to carry this burden alone. That she wouldn't leave him, like he once feared she would.
Juliet was putting the finishing touches on the small library she'd built in the rec room when James walked in. He looked around, smiling at the work she'd done. It looked familiar, and yet different. The furniture was rearranged, and it had been completely dusted and cleared of any grime or debris. The pool table was missing a ball, but there were worse things.
"Hey there, Mrs. Fix-It," he crooned, smiling to let her know how proud he was of all her hard work. If they were going to have to live here for the rest of their lives, she wanted to do so comfortably, she'd said. And she was living up to that.
"Hi, Mr. Fix-It," she teased back, and finished loading the stack of books onto the shelf. It looked to be well over a hundred, maybe even two-hundred books, colorfully lined up in alphabetical order on the wall.
"Where'd ya get all these?" he asked, shocked that she'd found so many.
She grinned, a devilish glint in her eyes. "I took them from all the houses. More than a few came from Ben."
James laughed, and snaked his arms around her from behind. He rested his chin on her shoulder. "Thatta girl." He'd just started kissing her neck when someone cleared their throat from behind him. He turned, still gripping her hip with one hand.
Hurley stood, grinning shyly at them. "Hi," he said, and gave a nervous wave.
"What's up, Hugo?" James asked, inclining his head to his friend.
"I was wondering, uh, if I could maybe talk to you?" he asked, toying with something in his hand.
James nodded, though he was reluctant to let go of her. "Sure," he answered, and pressed a quick kiss to Juliet's cheek. She continued arranging the books after giving Hurley a friendly wave.
They left the rec room, heading towards the cafeteria. This had been Hurley's restoration project over the last couple weeks. A picnic table was dragged into the front lawn, where they'd eaten as a group a few times.
"Ya gonna tell me what's on your mind, or are ya gonna make me guess?" James asked, and swung his legs over the bench. Hurley sat down across from him, clasping his hands and laying them on the rough wooden surface. Whatever he'd been toying with was gone.
"You and Juliet seem really happy," he said, and the comment took James by surprise.
"Yeah. We are, I guess. Given the circumstances. Why?"
Hurley lowered his eyes, uncomfortable. "How long have you been together?"
James scoffed, a little taken aback. "Three years." There was no reason to lie. "Look, if ya got somethin' to say, just say it."
Hurley reached into his pocket and pulled out a small, wallet-sized photo. He placed the photo in front of James, who stared down at it in curiosity. "Who's this?"
Instead of answering, Hurley sighed. "I found a bunch of old stuff in storage. You know, where they used to keep all the food. There's just junk in there now. I guess I got bored or whatever. Or maybe I was just curious. And, well, I started going through it…" Hurley pointed to the photo. "I found this in Juliet's file."
James's heart skipped a beat, startled into choking on his own saliva. "I'm sorry, you what? Her file?" He shook his head, disbelieving his own ears.
Hurley nodded. "All the boxes had different things in them. Some had knick-knacks, some had photos of like, Dharma dudes from, ya know, the seventies or whatever. But one box had Ben's name on it, and I guess I just got nosy. There were a lot of folders of things I don't really understand. Phone numbers, invoices, stuff like that. But there was one folder with 'JB' written on it, and I just… I peeked." His voice grew soft. "I didn't mean to pry."
It finally dawned on him what the photo must be. If it came from Juliet's file, and it wasn't a face he recognized…
He snatched it up, holding it close to his face to inspect it. The woman had pale skin and what looked to be brown eyes. She wore a scarf over her head, and was carrying a brown paper bag with groceries inside. It looked like it was taken at a distance, like she didn't know her photo was being taken at all.
This had to be Rachel.
"What else did you see?" James growled, more angry at the fact that Ben had had a photo of Rachel, all this time, and hadn't seen fit to let Juliet ever see it. Or, hell, the fact that he'd even had a file on her at all was infuriating.
Hurley flinched, not realizing the anger wasn't directed at him. "Just, you know… stuff about her. About her degrees, and her research. You know she got a male mouse pregnant?" James had to keep his anger in check. He didn't want to crumple the precious photo in his hand.
"What else?"
"Well… it said her sister had cancer. Did you know that?" James nodded. "And she has a kid now. A boy, named Julian. Do you think Juliet knows?"
James sighed, feeling like a balloon rapidly losing its air. He just didn't have the strength for anger anymore, it seemed. "Yeah, Curly. She knows."
"And she doesn't want to go meet him?"
The question stabbed right through the wall of protection he'd been building around himself for the last two weeks almost. Now there was a hole in the dam, and there was no little Dutch boy to stem the tide of guilt washing over him, yet again.
"She can't. You know that."
"Because you guys are protectors of the island."
"Yeah," James sighed. He looked away, not wanting to see the sympathetic face Hurley was undoubtedly giving him. "You heard what Benny-boy said - we can't leave."
"I saw Jacob though, off the island."
"I know. But it ain't possible. You even said you found that lighthouse thing. Maybe he used that, but it ain't the same as really leavin'."
Hurley nodded. "I know. But like, maybe he never really tried, you know? Maybe he didn't wanna leave."
"I ain't gonna risk it, Hoss. I ain't gonna send her off the island when we don't know what'll happen. 'Sides, I wanted her to be able to leave this hellhole behind and never look back, ya know?"
Hurley sighed deeply. "I know. It's just… you guys seem really happy. But I'll bet she misses her."
James frowned. "She does. But as she said, she made peace with never goin' home a long time ago, I guess." Even now, the thought soured his stomach.
When his eyes met Hurley's again, he noticed a subtle shift settle over the big man's features. "Being here… it's the one place I don't feel crazy. You know?" James's eyebrows pinched together. He couldn't quite relate. "I love my parents and all, but like, they have each other. They're taken care of. And maybe someday I'll find a way to go back. To visit. I can figure out the lighthouse thing, or maybe some other portal or something hidden away somewhere."
James didn't understand. "Portal? I ain't followin'. What're you sayin', Hugo?"
Hurley leaned forward, almost conspiratorially across the table. A sense of peace seemed to wash over him. "You've been a good leader, Sawyer. Or, James, I mean. But maybe… maybe it's time you take an early retirement."
Hurley may as well have slapped him. The reverberations of his suggestion stunned James into silence. Hurley took it as an invitation to keep going. "I'm not saying I'd be better at this, don't get me wrong. It's just… I think you guys deserve to be happy. And I know you're trying to make the best of it, having to stay here and all, but dude… I don't think that'll last long. You're doin' good stuff for the island, but I think I could maybe do good stuff too. If you guys wanted to go home. I got to go home once, and it wasn't as good as I thought it would be. And now… I guess I just think it's fair for you guys to have your turn."
"You don't know what you're sayin'..." James breathed, his eyebrows inching up to his hairline.
"I do though. You don't get it. I belong here, in a way I never really belonged back home. I know I'm not usually the one leading anyone, or doing much of anything helpful," Hurley frowned, his voice growing soft. "But I know I could do this. And I know what it would mean, for you guys to be able to go live your lives. I had the chance to do that too, but I came back here. I gave that up. And maybe… maybe this was why. So I could do this. For you guys."
James didn't know what to say. His heart was beating erratically, slamming against the inside of his chest. Something warm and bright was filling the empty spaces between his organs. Hope? Love? Gratitude? He'd never known this level of kindness. Not from anyone but her.
His throat was thick, but he managed to ask, "What's your price?" Because offers like this - they always came with a price.
Hurley smiled. He put his shoulders back and they slumped a little in relief. "None, dude. Just - go and be happy. And if you ever find yourself in L.A., I dunno, maybe look up my mom and tell her I said hi."
James opened his mouth to say yes. Or rather, hell-fucking–yes. But he couldn't. They were a team now. They were doing this together. "I need to talk to Juliet first. Ya know, clear it with the boss."
Hurley nodded. "We have two days before we have to go meet Ben's guys. Just let me know before then, okay?"
Two days. He had two days to decide. Because now, he realized… he wasn't quite sure what he wanted anymore. He'd felt fulfilled and valued, here on the island. They were a team, and they were happy, and settling into their new roles as co–protectors. And if he went back home… he'd be a bum, he was sure of it. With no one but her, no credibility and no clue of what to do next. But he also couldn't keep her from Rachel. Not again. Not when he'd berated himself bloody inside for having done that in the first place.
This wasn't a decision he could make on his own. Because if left to his own devices, he very well might just stay here, where she was protected.
"Thanks, Hugo. I'll… I'll see ya around." He stood and clapped the man on his broad shoulder. He chewed on his lip the whole way back home. Juliet would find him later. And when she did, he'd lay it all out on the line. In the meantime, he needed to prepare himself for whatever her answer might be.