A/N: Apologies for going MIA again and not updating when I said I would. I've been wrapped up in catching up on my reading. BUT- I'm back and excited to work on Part 2 of ch. 28 all over again, this time in Emma's POV. I hope you all enjoy it all over again and don't mind that I felt the need to write out both Emma and Regina's thoughts for this chapter. It won't be the first time I do this for a chapter, I promise you. :) Happy reading! More will be posted tomorrow as soon as I am able. Happy reading!
Also, just on a quick note: I will repeat this again as well as for all my other stories, future and past, PLEASE DON'T ASK TO TRANSLATE MY WORK AND/OR USE IN OTHER FANDOMS. I write or SQ only, and that's where I'd like my work to remain.
Chapter 28: Part 2/Emma
We went to the same club. Just Audrey and me. I had asked if her friends Amanda and Alex would be joining us, hoping they would, but she said no. The most logical reaction was for Audrey to want it to be just her and I tonight. As much as I hoped Regina would have said yes and joined us tonight, I owed Audrey that.
It's not like I wasn't having fun. I was. The music was blasting around us, while I continued to dance the night away with Audrey. Except for the small fact that my mind was focused on Regina the entire time. And as I looked at Audrey tonight, so happy, so carefree, I couldn't help but think about how happy and carefree Regina had seemed while we were driving up to the Orchard in her Mercedes. My smile grew at the memory, which I am sure Audrey thought it was because I was happy to be here with her.
I was happy to be here with her. But would I have the opportunity to choose, if to come out with Audrey tonight or stay with Regina. Well, you can imagine which choice I would have gone for. Suddenly, I am picturing Regina's saddened yet jealous gleam in her eye before we left tonight. Regina was jealous! Never did I imagine she would be jealous of her own daughter, confirming that our shared kiss surely meant something to her just as it had for me.
Boy, I can just hear August now when he finds out that the reason behind my feelings changing over Audrey was no other than her own mom. 'And you didn't tell me?! I'm supposed to be your best friend here, Em!' Followed by endless teasing and possibly nickname calling. I cringe at the thought, but I keep that cringe to myself, of course.
"I'm so happy to be back here with you." Audrey wraps her arms loosely along my neck, our dancing slowing down by the minute.
"I know. I'm happy, too." I smile, holding onto her a little more as I can feel her losing her footing. She has had one too many tonight, as it was to be expected.
"I really missed you, Em." Audrey's hands play with my hair, undoing the tangles with her skillful fingers. Her lips press to mine in a kiss and as we part, I simply smile.
"I missed you, too." I quickly replied.
"Did you?" Audrey asks, her voice already beginning to slur. Her eyes were so focused on mine, they almost willed me to tell her what had happened in the span of days she was away. Almost.
"Of course," I said. I feel Audrey's arms pull me closer to her, her lips in search of mine, which kiss me and for the first time ever, I am hesitant to respond. A part of me responds, and I think it's to not give myself away too quickly, but the other part of me. My heart and my mind can't stop thinking about Regina.
Now, I might have had my fair share of drinks, but I never go overboard on my alcohol intake. Still, somehow, in that moment as I found myself thinking about Regina and what she could possibly be doing at home alone at this very instant while I was here with Audrey- I couldn't help but picture her. Everywhere I looked, there was Regina.
As Audrey held me closer to continue with our dance a familiar song began to play. She Will Be Loved. How ironic that the same song that played that night Regina had joined us in this same place. The song I had wanted to dance with her that night. I look at Audrey, breaking our embrace for a moment and it's not her who's with me tonight, but Regina.
"Let's get more drinks." Audrey grins, suddenly breaking our dance apart.
I grab onto her arm and pull her to me again to prevent her from going anywhere. "I think you've had enough." I said. "You need to take it easy on those shots."
Audrey chuckles as her arms wrap around my form again. "You just don't want to be apart from me." She assumes.
"Yeah," I smile, suddenly seeing Regina being the one standing before me again. "You're right. I don't." I said. Only I wasn't saying this to Audrey but to her mom.
I pull into the driveway of Audrey's parents house and urge her to wait for me until I am able to walk to the passenger side and help her out of the car to prevent her from falling over. Luckily, she listens to me and I help her inside, unlocking the door using her keys.
She stumbles as we enter the house, and I am quick to catch her stumble. Audrey breaks into laughter that echoes along the house. "Shhh. Audrey," I whisper, holding onto her while I shut the door.
"What? Oh, right. Shhh…" Audrey's forefinger stumbles on its way against her lips and ends up at the corner of her mouth. Her arms quickly wrap around my shoulders, holding me close to her. "I'm so happy to be home. I sure did miss you." Her words slurred.
I chuckle as I guide her up the stairs, one step at time, watching every step she takes carefully to prevent her from falling over. "I know, I missed you, too. Come on, let's get you upstairs. Call it a night." I said.
Oooh," Audrey grins at me, her droopy eyes never leaving me. She allows her feet to jump up off the ground as she entrusts herself in my arms, knowing I would catch her in a cradling position- which I did. "And do what?" Her eyebrows wiggle up and down teasingly.
I breathe out a laugh, unable to help it as I continue to carry Audrey up the stairs in my arms. "And get you into bed."
"Mhm, and then?"
"And then… You are going to sleep because you are very drunk." I turn the knob to Audrey's bedroom to the best of my abilities and part open the door with my foot for the rest of our journey.
"I'm not drunk, babe, I'm just suuuupeeeer happy." Super happy and way too drunk that she won't remember tonight. I place Audrey along the bed, carefully. I remove her shoes and cover her up, and that's when I feel Audrey's hand reach for my arm. "Where are you going?" She asks.
"I'm going downstairs to get you a glass of water. I won't be long." I assure her.
"Kay." I hear Audrey murmurs under her breath as her arms reach for my pillow and pull into her body. Her form hogging most of the bed. I don't mind. I wasn't sleepy quite yet, especially when my mind was such a jumble.
As I make my way out of the room, making sure to close the door on my way out, and head down the stairs, through the living room, my eyes are in search of Regina. The thought of Regina being asleep in her bedroom did cross my mind. And with that in mind, I put my search on hold and marched right into the kitchen on my mission to retreat a glass of water for Audrey. Entering the kitchen, I open the fridge, pull out the jug of ice cold water and reach for a glass to pour it in. I hear the water slosh around the crystal glass as it pours, when suddenly the lights in the kitchen flicker on, resulting in me halting, staring wide-eyed into the direction of the entrance. "Regina," I breathe out her name like my lungs depend on it, and my heart couldn't feel more happier to see her.
"Good evening, Ms. Swan." Regina's voice is low. Her body is leaning against the door frame for a minute, until she moves. It's when she is walking further into the kitchen that I notice the half-empty bottle of Jack Daniel's in her hand.
She was drunk. Which I couldn't hide my surprise over, because the times I've ever seen Regina with a glass of wine in her hand, or that one stormy night we shared a glass of whiskey right here in this very kitchen; Regina had always kept her composure around a good drink. But seeing her like this, her body, her legs swaying from side to side as she entered the kitchen, I could easily come to the conclusion that she had enjoyed a drink too many tonight.
"Have you been drinking?" I ask, not feeling very shy about my question at all.
I didn't mind the sight of Regina drunk, despite how surprised I might have sounded to her while asking my question. Regina was a grown woman and she could do what she wanted. I'm sure if she decided to get drunk tonight, she must have had her reasons. A part of me thought, maybe this is the type of thing she did while her husband was away. Because it was the only time she had any type of liberty at all. But I immediately discarded that thought away from my mind, because even if I didn't know her all that well yet, I knew that this wasn't the type of person Regina was.
Regina glanced down at the bottle she still held in her hand. "I had a few sips," her voice even slurred in the most endearing way to me. She holds up the bottle to her eye-level, liquor sloshing inside the bottle to where even I could hear it. "Maybe more than a few." She frowned.
"Hey, it's okay." I said, assuring her that it was okay. I could tell from her frown that something troubled Regina instantly. As if enjoying a drink too many in the privacy of her home was the crime of the century. Then again, maybe it was. For her. But she didn't have to worry about him now, and I would make sure to let her know that. "Regina-"
"How was your night out dancing?" Regina had no trouble asking this question without her words slurring. I could hear and see a clear sign of jealousy behind her eyes and voice. Before I could answer, I hear her chuckle and say, "God, look at me- you'd think you were dating me, hm?" Her teeth caught her bottom lip and it was the sexiest thing ever. Her eyes drank me in, just as mine were drinking her in at that moment. I wondered what it would be like to date Regina. "But, that could never happen, could it? Not while you're dating my daughter. Not even if you broke up with her." She said this as if she could read my mind.
I blink, "Gina-" Suddenly, I lose my voice. Not because I couldn't figure out what to say, but because I didn't know how to say it. And it would be nice to have this conversation again while she was sober enough to remember every word of it.
"Don't mind me, Emma," Regina chuckled once again. She swayed a little walking the rest of the way toward me. I hadn't realized as I looked into Regina's eyes as she looked up at me, how slightly shorter she seemed without her heels on. I liked it. "It's not me talking, it's-" the liquor inside the bottle splashes inside the bottle as Regina holds it up to eye-level again.
"You know, they say drunks always tell the truth." I say with a hint of humor, unable to help myself.. "At least now I know you were jealous earlier."
Regina's cheeks turn a shade of pink. It makes me want to reach up and touch them, but I don't. She shakes her head and scoffs, "Well, truthfully… I'm more embarrassed you have to see me like this. If there was ever an ounce of you that liked me during those days where it was just you and I, it possibly dissolved by now." She chuckled again, shaking her head. "Listen to me, thinking that you could possibly like me-" I couldn't hold back anymore. A small gasp escaped Regina's lips as I reached up, without warning, and touched her cheek. I allowed my thumb to caress a trail along her jawline and up to her cheekbone.
Standing so close to Regina, looking down at her, at that lost and drunk but beautiful gleam in her eyes as she looked up at me. The way the shade of red from her lipstick sat ever so regal along her lips, making that scar along the corner of her upper lip stand out all the more. The raw sound of confession in her words as she said them to me. I was dying to kiss her again. I could just lean down and kiss her right now, and I know Regina wouldn't hesitate to respond. But that would be wrong.
At least while Regina was in this state, because if we did kiss again, I wanted her to remember every second of it. Then again, I knew that feeling this desire over Audrey's mom- of all people that I could become attracted to, I know- was wrong.
But, how could it possibly be wrong? Regina wasn't just Audrey's mom, she was human. She was a woman with blood pumping through her veins and a heartbeat that I could clearly feel through the look in her eyes, was beating so loud right now. Just like mine.
How could it be so wrong to like someone older than myself or Audrey? Okay, yes, sixteen years older than myself and Audrey, but so what? I could feel the pull that was happening between Regina and I, and let me just say that it was the best sensation I ever had the opportunity to feel with anyone before. It was a bit scary, but I also didn't want it to stop. It felt like being on a bungee jump platform and looking down before you took that giant leap and surrendered yourself to the fall before you felt your body being yanked back up by the elastic cord set up around your ankles.
I knew that if I kissed her now, taking the opportunity of her intoxicated state, it would not only be a betrayal to Regina's trust. But it would be a betrayal to Audrey's. Even if I already crossed that line when we first kissed, but if we were to kiss again. Regina and I. I wanted it to be mutual. Lucid. To see if we both shared the exact same feeling of falling and being pulled right back up like I was feeling right now as I stood merely an inch from Regina.
"Regina, I-" Once I spoke, I had to wet my lips from lack of oxygen. My heart wanted to burst inside of my chest. Yet another feeling I had never felt around any woman before. "I do." I whisper.
"You- you do?" Regina's voice mimicked mine in the same toned whisper. Her eyes sparkled more than before as she learned that I in fact, liked her, too.
Suddenly before I could seem to stop myself, my fingers wrapped along the back of her neck, carefully, and slowly pulled her into me. I found myself leaning into her until our lips brushed. But that's all. Our lips just brushed, not kissed. My hand went from her cheekbone down to her jawline again and it sat there. Our breaths were soft and warm against one another's and it was the most beautiful feeling ever. Feeling Regina's lips against mine without actually kissing them was like heaven and hell all wrapped into one. What we shared right now was more than just a kiss. This was something special being carved between us. Even if Regina wouldn't remember much of it tomorrow. Or maybe by some miracle she would.
It was crazy how my heart could beat like crazy even by having Regina this close. Yet another thing that never happened to me over any woman.
Regina and I would kiss again. I knew we would, but for now this had to be enough.
Once we decided that it was time to part from one another, surprisingly enough, our breaths were calm. Calm and collected, and our chests were rising and falling with the same level of calmness. That's when I realized that Regina was like that first taste that you couldn't get enough of. She was everything that a human being could possibly become addicted to, and I wanted more. Because I was in fact addicted to this feeling. It needed to be fed, and I could only do that while being around her and no one else. It was like I was the one who suddenly became drunk and was floating.
I'm surprised at this feeling within me. I knew I was capable of it, and how passionate I could be but I just never imagined I would ever express myself like this with anyone before. I never imagined I could feel this strongly over someone. Maybe… It dawned on me for a minute. Could this be what David and my mom always talked about? That feeling that just hits you like a wrecking ball, striking right into your chest until you are knocked on your ass. It was too early to tell. All I knew was, as scary as it was, I needed more of it.
The corner of my lip lifted into a small smirk as I watched my thumb dance along Regina's jawline. As my eyes locked into her own frightened eyes. Could she be feeling the same thing as me? That was something I didn't want to ask, but feel it for myself.
And I would. In time.
"Emma-"
"Don't," I whisper and shake my head. Somehow, I found myself knowing what Regina wanted to say before it even left her lips. I knew she was just as scared as I was. "Don't say anything. Because it's already taking everything in me to hold back from kissing you. And, I swear to God, if I hear my name escape your lips one more time, it will become my undoing." I breathed out, feeling my chest rise and fall a little quicker. It was suddenly becoming harder to breathe.
I couldn't believe I had confessed that out loud to where Regina's own breath caught in the back of her throat. That sparkle in her eye was back and stronger than ever, and God help me, but it was the most beautiful sight I had ever had the privilege of being a witness to. What was wrong with me? Why was this mutual feeling between Regina and I burning like fire like this? My mind went back to Audrey, and suddenly I was overcome by guilt. I didn't want to betray Audrey, but I also couldn't go blind and turn the other way against what Regina and I were clearly and mutually feeling.
"I think," Regina pulled away, having the strength enough for the both of us to do such a thing. I found myself missing the contact instantly. "It's a good idea that I get some rest. And you should, too." She said.
"I'll walk you to your bedroom." I replied.
"No. No, I don't- I don't think that would be a good idea. And, my daughter… You have to get back to her, I'm sure she-"
"Regina." My eyes pin to Regina's, like darts on a dartboard. "Audrey is passed out by now, and I am simply walking you to your room. The last thing I need is for you to trip down the stairs in your state. I'm sure Audrey would more than appreciate me looking after her mother."
Seeing as she had no other choice, because there was no way I would pass up the chance of being able to walk her to her bedroom, Regina gave me a small nod and began to walk out of the kitchen, leaving the bottle of Jack Daniel's along the counter, while I reached for the glass of water as I followed her up the stairs. "Here," I held the glass of water before her, waiting for her to take it. She needed this more than Audrey did right now. As Regina took a long drink of the cool water, I carefully wrapped my arm along her waist, to prevent her from falling over. Her hair smelled of apples and cinnamon.
Regina turned to me as soon as we reached her bedroom door. I take the glass from her. "Safe and sound." I murmur, twitching the corner of my lip into a small smile.
"Just when I think I can stop myself from liking you," Her eyes look right into my soul. I can feel the burn inside my chest as I look back into them. "You do something sweet like this to prevent it." Said Regina.
"I'm sorry." I wasn't sorry, but apologizing seemed like the appropriate thing to do. Besides, apologizing seemed to become a thing between us lately. But to be honest, I was on the same train as Regina. Everything she did just made me like her more by the minute.
Regina chuckles, her back hitting the door with a small thud as she almost loses her footing. "You, Emma Swan, are…" She pauses, and I can see the gears inside her mind turning. "A forbidden temptation." She smiles. "Like the forbidden apple from the garden of Eden."
My heart crumbles to dust inside my chest, I can feel it fading away. No one had ever compared to something so historical and so beautiful. "Regina-" I take a step forward only to feel an electric shock run through me. That's what I feel every time Regina comes in contact with me; her hand placed against my chest to prevent me from coming near her even further.
"Good night, Ms. Swan." Said Regina, entering her bedroom and shutting the door. My free hand rests along the door of her bedroom and my shoulders slump, along with my head. Clearly my feelings for Regina were coming up to the surface. Ever since she kissed me, my feelings had taken a tumble and woken up to a new shed of light. How was I supposed to walk away from this feeling that burned inside of my chest every single time I was near her? How was I supposed to just look the other way and pretend like it wasn't happening?
I wipe at the corner of my eye with the back of my knuckles and I feel a moist spot from a tear that threatened to fall. I needed some air. But first, I needed to be sure and leave this glass of water, which still held water inside of it, right next to Audrey's nightstand where she could see it in the morning and help herself to a drink, quenching her dehydration. As I quietly walk into the bedroom, I set the glass down along Audrey's nightstand and look down at her passed out body along the bed. Her back was rising and falling calmly. She was so unaware of what had happened downstairs just a couple of minutes ago between her mom and myself.
I made my way back downstairs, across the living room and the kitchen. My eyes fell on the bottle of Jack Daniel's that Regina had left along the counter top. I could pick up on the scent of the whiskey along with the scent of green apples. The same scent I could pick up as Regina's lips brushed against mine. It made my heart flutter just thinking about it. I head out to the pool area and plop down along one of the lounge chairs, my back hunched over. I turn my attention up to Regina's bedroom window and see no sign of her anywhere. The curtains were open, but Regina was a no show. Probably passed out already. With that I sigh so deeply and strongly that the very breath hurts my chest on its way out.
I was in way over my head with Regina, that much was clear. Especially after tonight. I reach for my phone out of my pocket and open up my gallery. I scroll through them until I stop at my most recent picture of Audrey and myself, taken tonight while we were out dancing. Our cheeks are pressed together as we are both smiling. Except my smile no longer reaches my eyes. I scroll through a couple more photos, stopping at the one we had taken together while we were at the park. My smiles were different.
Was I falling out of love with Audrey?
If that was the case, I couldn't even figure out when the hell that happened. All I knew was that having Regina so close, yet so far from me was like a state of great disturbance. I needed to have Regina close to me, as close as possible. Yet, I knew that would hurt Audrey, because of course I would break up with her first before beginning anything serious with Regina. Did I want something serious with Regina? Yes, I did. I could answer that question on my very own.
But did Regina want something serious with me? I didn't doubt she would accept a relationship with me. The question was: Would she dare? So much was going on inside of me right now, that I only wish I could talk to someone about it. There was August, but truthfully, it wasn't the time to let him in on my little secret. As much of my best friend as he was. My mom? Forget it. She wasn't a stranger to age differences, and the age gap thing never frightened her. My mom was a pretty liberated woman of the world. But as much liberty as she possessed- would she understand my situation with Regina? I wasn't ready for that.
Closing the app to my album on my phone, I tap my thumb along my screen, directly on my contacts app and scroll through the list of names until I spot the name of the one person I knew would listen to me without an ounce of judgment. Not that my mom would judge me, but like I said, I couldn't trust there wouldn't be a 'but' somewhere along what she would have to say would I trust her with such news. David however, I knew he would listen and advise me as best he could. It was Friday, and Friday's David always found himself covering the night shift at the station. And it helped that he was the Sheriff of the station, so he wouldn't get in trouble for answering a personal phone call on his cell phone.
I tapped on David's name, followed by the call button before holding the phone up to my ear. The line rang four times before the call was answered, and David's unmistakable voice came through the other end. "Sheriff Nolan." I smirk a little at David's bad habit of not looking down at his caller ID when answering his cell phone at work. He was just that dedicated and possibly buried in a pile of reports.
"David. It's Emma." I speak softly.
"Emma? Hey, kiddo. How are you?" I could hear the smile in his voice as well as the creak that came from his desk chair.
"I've been fine." My answer was simple.
"I'm glad to hear that. You know, your mother's been missing you like crazy. She keeps insisting we send you over a box of your favorite bear claws." I hear him chuckle.
"She always does know how to miss me." I chuckle after him and my eyes suddenly feel like crying.
"That she does. But, tell me, how's Boston treating you? How's Audrey doing?"
"Audrey's been fine. She's, she's asleep, actually." Then and there, I was suddenly overcome with the doubt if I should have called David in the first place. But after a quick moment of searching, I came to the conclusion that he was the only one who could calm me when my head found itself in a puzzle. Not to mention David's voice was always so soothing, so much it kept me grounded when I felt confused or lost about something.
"Emma? What's wrong, kiddo? You sound a little distant tonight." Not to mention he could always pick up when something was wrong with me, even when I tried my best to hide it.
If anyone knew about matters of the heart, it was David Nolan. The only and real father I've ever known.
"I can never fool you, can I?" My chuckle is so soft, it matches the crickets that chirp around me tonight.
"I wouldn't be a police officer of the Portland Police Department, otherwise." I can hear the humor in his voice, something David and I liked to joke about that I got from him. But his humor is quickly replaced by a coat of concern as he continues, "Talk to me. What's going on?"
I exhale a sharp breath as I stand from where I sat. "David…" I raked my hand over my hair. "When you met my mother, you were still married to your ex-wife, right?" I wince a little at my question. David always said I could talk to him about anything, but maybe bringing up his ex-wife would prove to be a little too much for him to talk about, given they didn't end on the best of terms.
To add to my wave of fear, David's end is quiet. So quiet, you could hear a pin drop. I could understand that, though. After all, David never truly forgave himself- no matter how happy he was with my mom now- on seeing my mother while he was still married to his first wife. He never forgave himself for breaking her heart the way he had. Which brought me to my next question: Would I be able to forgive myself once I had to break Audrey's heart?
"That's right. We were having problems, my ex-wife and I, yet we remained married. I actually didn't have the courage to ask for a divorce until I started seeing your mother a little more frequently- Emma-" I can't tell if the sound that escapes his lips is a scoff or a forced out breath. "You know all this already, why- why are you asking me this question?"
The moment of truth. At least to one person I knew I could trust with this gigantic confession. I bite down on a piece of hangnail that rests at the corner of my thumb. I seem to discover those annoying things every single time I'm nervous about something. Where to begin?
"Curiosity." I start with that, feeling my feet pacing back and forth by the pool. I watched the peaceful movement of the water for a moment before I asked, "Did you ever… Hate yourself? You know, for becoming interested in another woman while you were still married?"
A wave of silence struck both ends of the phone this time as David didn't say anything right away and neither did I. I could picture David as clear as day, sitting by his desk, hunched over, listening attentively with a pile of papers by his side.
"I did." David whispered, so quietly, but not quiet enough to make me miss what he had said. My heart raced against my rib cage. "I hated myself every single day. It wasn't easy, discovering that my feelings toward my wife had drastically changed one day to another."
No. It wasn't easy. "How did you-" My lips went dry. "How did you handle it?"
"The best way I could." I can hear the creak of his chair, followed by a shuffle at the other end of the phone. I picture David adjusting himself in his seat, his back pressed along his chair. "I told myself repeatedly, every single day of my life that I was human, and that shit happens." I smile a little, feeling a little better. "It didn't mean I didn't love my wife, of course I loved her. I just happened to love your mother more." He chuckles. "That actually sounds a little awful, but in the long run, Emma, I realized that it wasn't fair to my wife, nor your mother, nor myself that I kept up appearances with her just to make her family happy."
That actually made a great deal of sense. Everything David ever said made a whole lot of sense to me. Maybe Regina should have a talk with him sometime.
"She knew I was seeing your mother, eventually. She never saw us together, nor would I talk about it, but I guess she saw that one day after another, I was smiling more. So much, it hurt my damn cheeks." I chuckle this time as another small grin forms along the corners of my lips. I wondered for a moment if he smiled around my mom as much as I discovered I smiled around Regina.
"Can I ask you a question?" I hear David say 'shoot,' giving me the go ahead. "What made you-" No. I shake my head, choosing my question more carefully. "How did you know when to come clean about everything to her?"
I hear David breath out a long huff of air, and I can almost picture him raking one of his hands through his hair, ruffling it up a bit. "When my heart beat only for your mom." His answer was matter-of-factly and truthful.
This time it's me who breathes out a huff of air and rake another hand along my hair, "That sounds complicated in itself, David." I continue, "It's crazy to think that your heart can beat for someone, and then the next day, it beats only for someone else who is entirely different from the person you're previously with. Almost like it has a fucking mind of its own. That or it likes to play a sick joke on you."
Despite Audrey and Regina being mother and daughter, in such a short time I had been able to tell the major differences between the two of them. And Regina was a different person compared to Audrey.
I hear David laugh a little, followed by another squeak coming from his chair. "It's funny. You know, I thought the same thing you are right now. And, I'll tell you this, your mother helped me out a great deal whenever I came clean about everything, including to her. I will always remember her saying to me, 'David Nolan. You are human. And as a human, you aren't meant to be perfect. Because nobody is perfect. Not even I am perfect. You were with your wife for a good amount of years and you loved her very much- you still do- but I also am certain that if you and I found each other and couldn't help falling in love. Then that just means that you were meant to be where you are, loving your wife, until the right time came for us to live our happy ending. If I wanted perfect, I would have been with a robot.'"
My tear ducts stung as they filled up with tears again. That sounded about just the thing my mom would say. And in that moment, I could hear Regina's voice repeating to me how no one was perfect. Not even me. Maybe that was it. I wasn't perfect, but then again, name someone who was.
"So, you're saying…" My voice cracks a little, forcing me to clear my throat. "That one could be in love with someone, with the person you're with now, but they might not be who you were meant to be with?"
"Just because you meet someone and fall in love with them, that does not mean you belong together. And if that's the case, then that could only mean that your true love could be just around the corner." David's words resembled my mom's sometimes. It made sense. Truth, I would love nothing more than for Regina to be my one true love, just like David and my mom were their own true loves. David's own words were proof to me that Regina and I belonged together.
"Thanks, David." I smiled a little. "I needed to hear that coming from you."
"Emma," I hear the chair creak again, his voice sounding concerned and serious. "Has something happened? Are you… Trying to tell me that you're-?"
Nothing could ever get past David. He was truly my dad. "Ever the cop, huh?" I chuckle and pace back and forth along the concrete. My hand rakes along my hair once again. "I honestly don't know how to answer that question right now, David. And worst of it all, is that Audrey and I, we aren't even having problems. Everything with us has been running smoothly, she's even talking about moving in together once we drive back to Portland. But this other woman…" My eyes close as I sigh sharply. "She's something special, she's broken but little by little she's allowed me to mend the cracks that have pierced her skin. And in the span of a couple of weeks, we've built this friendship that… It's had me questioning a lot of things lately. Including my feelings I thought I had for Audrey." I plop on the lounge chair, sighing again. I had a lot more to say, but all in good time. For now this was enough. I didn't realize how much of an asshole I sounded until I finally said this out loud to someone. "David. Tell me I'm an asshole. Tell me I am in way over my head. T- tell me- tell me that I shouldn't do this."
There's brief silence, followed by the faint creak of David's chair, followed by what I knew was his honest-to-God answer. "Is this other woman a friend of Audrey's as well?"
More like her own mother. But, what was a great mother if not a daughter or son's best friend? "Something like that." I wince a little for lying just a smudge. I would come clean to David, but for now the small fact of truth that Regina was Audrey's mom- that I'd keep close to my sleeve.
"Well, all I can tell you, kiddo, is that if she's managed to find her way into your heart somehow, even in the span of a few weeks. I say it's up to you to figure out what it is exactly that you feel for her."
I knew what I felt for Regina, and that I wasn't afraid to admit, even to David. "Well, I like her. That much is clear." I exhale a sharp breath, feeling as if a giant weight had just been lifted off of my shoulders with that confession. "And tonight, she pretty much made it clear to me that her feelings toward me are pretty mutual. But, we can't exactly experience our feelings together to see how far they go, because-"
"Because there's still Audrey." I nod, even if David can't see me. He always understood me, and knew what I would say even before I said it. "Trust me, Emma, if anyone can understand your situation perfectly- that'd be me." Except my situation with Regina was still a little different. "The only thing I can say is, give it time. Set out your feelings as if it were your own personal mission, and when the time comes, if your feelings toward this other woman don't change, then that's when you'll know when to be honest with Audrey."
"I don't know, David," I shake my head and look up to Regina's bedroom window. The room was dark. "I came close to talking to Audrey about it, but I still wasn't sure if this woman liked me, and now that I know she does… It's just much harder because…"
"Because why, Emma?" David waits.
How could I say this? There was no way to sugar coat it, or work my way around it. "Because she's a married woman." I feel bile reach up to my throat as I hear a faint gasp come from David. My heart constricts a little.
"Well, so was I, kiddo." David says very matter-of-factly.
Again, situations were different here. David wasn't an abusive husband, nor was his first wife broken like Regina is. And my mother was a single mother of one when David met her.
"I don't think my situation is as easy as yours."
I hear him chuckle a little at my reply. "Emma, nothing about my situation was easy. It never is."
"It doesn't matter." I look up to Regina's dark window again. "I don't even think we'll ever be able to actually be together." For a moment, I believed that, and it pained me to think about it. A lot.
"Only time will tell, Emma. You can never know that for sure. If you and this other person are meant to be- you'll be. Here in this time, or in your next life, but you'll be."
Our next lives. Except I wasn't planning on waiting that long. "I'm fucked up, aren't I? Audrey doesn't deserve this."
"You're right, she doesn't. No one does. But you're also human, Emma. You aren't perfect. No one is. Remember that."
"Remind me to call you when I've placed all of these scattered ducks in a row." I hear him chuckle, and I smile a little. "Thanks again, David."
"I'm always a phone call away, kiddo. No matter what hour it is, you call me."
I end the call and my once constricted lungs feel like they are able to breathe again. I look up to Regina's window again and I smile a little as I remember that sparkle in her eye whenever she looked into my own green eyes. The way she smiled and laughed at my stupid jokes or sense of humor.
It was late and I needed some sleep if I was going to set all my ducks in a row like I had told David I would do. If I was going to face a bright and new early morning tomorrow along with what came with it, I needed to consult my feelings with my pillow tonight in peace. And the quicker I slept, the sooner I'd see Regina again.