Lucien enters the 'Exiles' Manor and grabs an apple from the table, munching on it. He sees that Jurian is nowhere to be found, and since it's daylight, Vassa wouldn't be around. Which means the strangled sobs must be coming from...Tamlin.

Swallowing his bite of apple, he breathes deeply to steel himself and walks down the long corridor towards the room they had turned into his. His golden-haired friend was on his knees on the ground, crying like a baby. Unrestricted. All of his pain pouring out into tears and broken wails.

Chewing on his lower lip, Lucien cautiously steps into the room, expecting a brash reaction. Tamlin absolutely despises anyone seeing him vulnerable. However, a reaction didn't come. His green eyes shift to Lucien's shoes, but he seems frozen in that position; forehead on his knees. His claws bite into the wood of the floor, but there is no sign of the beast underneath showing otherwise. Lucien notices that his hair newly chopped and hanging an inch or two above his shoulders, the tangled and blood-encrusted mess that had been at the ends, completely gone.

If it bothers him that he's there, witnessing another breakdown, he doesn't show it. Swallowing hard, Lucien moves closer and slowly kneels next to him, a strong hand on Tamlin's shoulder. Words seem to escape him as he remains there, giving his friend silent comfort in his despair.

Many minutes pass until Tamlin seems to become unfrozen, shifting as his knees become sore from the hard flooring, and claws completely retracted. He quickly wipes his tear-stained face and sits back on the floor defeatedly, knees pulled up and hands planted behind him on the ground as he takes several deep breaths. Lucien watches him carefully, not saying a word. He knows that if Tamlin needs to talk, he will. And then he finally does.

"I lied to you."

Lucien furrows his brow, his mechanical eye humming slightly. "About?"

"Eating."

"Oh..."

"I haven't had any semblance of an appetite, so I forgot. No...that's a lie. I just...didn't eat."

"I told you it wouldn't be easy to come back from whatever hole you're in. It never is. But you can acknowledge that it wasn't good for you."

"That's the thing. It was good for me. It was the only thing that was good for me in a long time."

"What do you mean?"

His eyes soften dramatically and he stares off into the void, quiet for a beat. "I must have passed out or fallen asleep. I must be really weak. Because—I-I...", he swallows thickly, a telltale sign of a sob about to arise again. "I saw her again, Lucien."

Lucien looks at his friend in a state of confusion. "Saw who?"

This time Tamlin looks right at him. "Her."

It finally clicks and Lucien's eyes widen. "Tam, I don't know if that's—"

"It was real", he growls.

"Okay. So...what happened?"

"I didn't know I had passed out, it was real, it was so real", he muses over and over. "She was there, right in front of me, right in this room. She was so beautiful and healthy and—and perfect. She was here. For me."

Lucien can't help but feel a heaviness in his heart. For all the times he had been close to death or weak, he had never gotten to see Jesminda again. Maybe she hadn't wanted to appear to him. Maybe she was at peace, though.

"You needed the closure. I'm glad you received it. I hope she told you that you weren't responsible..."

"She tried to, but that guilt is never going to vanish, Lucien. You know as well as anyone else it resides within you always."

"By the Mother, I do..."

"She kept telling me that there is some plan for me. That I can't give up. That I can't close myself up. My Nova." He whispers her name with tenderness, tears in his eyes. "She tried telling me that I am still worthy of—", he pauses, his voice getting shaky. "—of being happy again. Of being loved. As much as I want to believe that...after everything I've done and what I'd become there aren't enough centuries in the timeline to even begin to make up for it. That's the only way I could be worthy of such things. I'm a monster. I've been a monster ever since I lost her, and ever since I became High Lord. It's all just too much. How much more am I supposed to take until the Mother straight out tells me that I was born to suffer and be the monster I was bred to be?"

"Tamlin", Lucien says, directing his gaze toward him, and choosing his words carefully. "There is a monster inside of every single one of us", he murmurs. "Sometimes it is used as a tool to protect ourselves from hurt. Sometimes it is used as a tool to push back against the hurt. And sometimes it is a tool used to be the one doing the hurting. All three of those come with their own consequences and are telling of someone's intention. Sometimes within our lives, we are all three at different points. But it will always be the heart and the intent behind them, that makes it good or bad."

Tamlin looks at Lucien in a new light, his wisdom heartfelt and inspiring.

"As a tool, your beast protected you from feeling the loss of your Court...of Feyre. You lived as him for months to avoid those emotions. Many people revert to this, whether they are a shapeshifter or not. It can be a hypothetical monster. A steely wall around them, complete coldness. Using it to push back against the hurt is more complicated. This can come in the form of dismissal or a tongue-lashing, or general defensiveness. I think everybody who has ever felt sadness has done this. Used the monster within to come up with ways to push back because it's a way to control the pain and manipulate it instead of shutting it off completely. And then of course...it can be used as a tool to hurt others just as badly. This one can turn one into the monster, invert them so they're trapped inside themselves while the worst parts of them poison their hearts and their mind until all that's left is the monster. The evil. This can be in the form of complete control, unrelenting revenge, killing, brutalizing, or simply always believing you're in the right."

Tamlin looks down at his hands. "I have been all three. I haven't killed anyone, obviously but...the last part. Convincing myself that I was doing the right thing even when I wasn't. Even if I intended well, it was off the mark and I couldn't see that. I didn't want to."

"I know...but you can acknowledge that which makes you a shit ton better than the people that let it consume them and stay in denial for their entire lives until they become nothing but a husk that evil freely roams within. And that isn't you, Tam. You've done bad things, you've...hurt people. But it was never with evil in your heart. It was a defense mechanism that was off the mark. Something you can correct going forward."

He rubs his hands down his face and then through his hair. "I don't think I could ever—"

"Stop thinking that it's impossible for people to forgive you. It's not. Now, will you get everyone's forgiveness? Probably not. Especially from the you-know-whos. But that should not let that undermine the fact that you tried, or that you'll still try to be better, and you will prove yourself to be better. You will come out of this an improved male and show them that you aren't the same person who did those things. It will most likely take a lot of time, but it's not impossible and I don't believe it will take centuries or even decades, because I see the remorse as clear as day on your face, Tamlin."

"What good is remorse if forgiveness won't come?"

"It's good because it means you realize your mistakes and you're promising to be better in the future, regardless of what anyone has to say about your past."

"But it doesn't matter to anyone."

"It should matter to you. Especially since Novalyn told you that you have a bright future in not so many words. If you want to live up to enjoying that, it should matter."

"She wants me to come clean."

Lucien nods slowly. "I see..."

"It's been centuries. How would I even begin? There's no way he is letting me anywhere near his Court, and especially Feyre or their child. It's like they're afraid I'd eat him or something", he rolls his eyes annoyedly. "Rys hating me, I can handle, I have handled, but Feyre—she acts as if I am evil incarnate, Lucien, and I can't face—I can't face that anymore. It may have been for the curse, but I'm the one who brought her to Prythian. Who saved her and her entire family from starving to death. Who gave them a better life. She did love me once, I know she did, and I loved her just as fiercely. That's why I sent her home before she learned about—A. I had loved her so much that I said fuck the curse and sent her home to safety. She came back for me. For me and now acts like it never happened at all. Like I never showed her that I had a heart. She looks at me now and it's like I'm the equivalent of Hybern. They look at me with distaste and disgust and such malice, as if I've never done anything good in my life. She wouldn't even be here if it weren't for me. I don't say this because of ego, I'm saying it because it's simply something good I had done that they refuse to even acknowledge. She would be dead three times over, and Rhys— I saved him for Feyre because, at the time, I still loved her, and I needed her to know that I was sorry for the way we were after... And not even that was enough. How was that not enough?", he asks exasperatedly, tugging his shorter hair. "Rhys came to me in my manor months ago just to make sure I knew that he didn't give a shit if I decided to off myself. That in fact, he'd like for me to rot there."

Lucien's jaw tightens and his hand rolls into a fist. "I told him that it was low and unbecoming of a High Lord to kick a male when he was down. That it was disgusting. I warned him. But he can never resist a power trip, can he? We both know that. I'm sorry...I tried to stop that from happening."

"Lucien", Tamlin waves a hand. "It's not your problem he's an asshole."

"Feyre...she's very changeable. It's very neurotic. It depends on who she's with. Honestly, since turning Fae, she hasn't been the female she once was. Even now that she is past her trauma, she holds onto this...grudge within her. Against you, against me, hell, maybe against everything she's been thrown into. The curse did a number on both of you, and she may be happy now and where she belongs, but that doesn't mean it did her any good to move so fast. Not that I would say that to her face. But, I mean that in regards to both of you. The wedding...despite it being a disaster, it should have only been when you were both in a good state of mind to do it. Rushing because of the looming threat of Rhys shouldn't have been a reason to push it. I don't believe Rhys ever gave Feyre that luxury once she left either because he was so desperate for his mate and because he wanted to get at you. I can say that because I'm your friend. With everything we have all been through in the last two and a half years...it's one of the reasons that I am letting Elain learn her new self on her own time. Nothing can come of a forced relationship, especially when trauma is involved. The only thing that helps is communication."

Tamlin looks down at the ground sadly. "Feyre and I both shut down, never communicated. I never knew her resounding fears, and she never knew mine. We ignored everything about it."

"I know. And it blew up in your faces. Both metaphorically and literally. And in lieu of rehashing the past, Feyre was never meant for you, Tamlin. As much as that statement hurts...you had something good for a short time, but it was never going to be her for you. I truly believe that Nova was right, I think you have someone out there who is destined to be yours and once you are in a good place with yourself and can realize you are in fact worthy of moving on, I think it'll happen. Yes, talking about destiny sounds ridiculous, but so does talking about the ghost of your deceased mate. Yet I fully believe you."

Tamlin sighs and looks at him wearily. "I'm just sick of it. Of being hated. I've been hated since birth, Lucien. My father, my brothers, my mother ignored it though I know she cared in her own way and was scared of my father. Am...well she...I was her puppet as a child, as an adolescent, and my father let her. I joined his war band to escape her advances and to escape the threat of my brothers. I didn't know just how wrong she was for using me when I was young because my own father made me, so I thought it was normal. I didn't know it was rape until her intentions were clearer when I was older and she'd gloat about how "delicious" I was even as a child, and how she'd say that matured I'd be better and she wanted me for eternity. That she was going to force me to submit to being her chosen. And as you know that's why we were cursed because I refused. Among all that shit, I lost Nova and everything transpired with Rhys. Then recently with Feyre, with you, with Hybern. I've never known peace a single day since Nova was taken from me, Lucien. How sad is that? I've never known how not to be defensive or on guard because my entire existence I have had to be. I know you've had your own crap because of Beron, but everyone else likes you. You could go to any Court, and they would accept you and greet you. If I did that, I'd get sneers and passive aggression. It seems there is nothing I can do to be accepted, only tolerated. If killing Am and saving a bunch of people I hated isn't enough to show them that I am not evil, I don't know what would."

Lucien's face is drawn and he looks nauseous. "She did that to you as a child?"

Tamlin pushes himself up from the floor and Lucien does as well, looking at him in disbelief.

"I knew she had her sights on you. I knew for some reason she was obsessed with you, and that she made some deal with your father in order to covet you. But I-I thought it was because she enjoyed your look when you had matured, not that she had—Cauldron, boil me. Tam..."

"As I said...my father made it seem normal. My mother, if she even knew, never got in the way. There were a million reasons I hated that Manor, Lucien. There is a reason I had that one room I never allowed the use of."

"Fuck...Tamlin I had no idea." Lucien is pale and takes heavy breaths to tamp down the nausea.

"Yeah. That's where she—where...I was forced to meet her by my father, once a week. Every week."

Lucien's breaths are ragged and his words come out choked. "How old. How the fuck old were you? I wish we could bring her back so I could fucking mutilate her myself", he growls angrily.

His voice comes out in a whisper. "It started when I was ten. Lasted until I was sixteen and joined the war band. When I got back, I was smart enough to avoid her by any means necessary. I was never around when she met with my father at the Manor."

Tears spring to Lucien's eye and he's shaken by this revelation he had never known. "Six years..."

"Yes", Tamlin replies, swallowing thickly. "Now you understand why I couldn't just...I couldn't bring myself to—"

"Tamlin, you shouldn't have and I'm glad you did not submit to her. It wouldn't have solved anything, and she would have made Prythian miserable regardless, you have to know that. But now I know that your trauma after she died...it was to a greater extent than anyone realized. Than I realized, than Feyre could have ever realized. Having to be so close to her again, having to watch what she...holy Mother..."

"Don't you dare tell a soul, Lucien", he growls.

"Tamlin, I wouldn't. You have my word."

"I met Nova much later. She was twenty-six. Rhys and I were clearly much, much older than her but...the Cauldron chooses mates as we know. Feyre and Rhys", he grits his teeth. "You and Elain."

"Nesta and Cassian too. But it really doesn't matter when your lifespan is so large. You were both happy."

"Yes and no. You know I told you before we kept it very secret. I not only had my father to fear, but Am. Not to mention Rhys's father. But...that short time with her was the only time I ever felt free. As secret and dangerous and shielded as we had to be, being together was the only time I had ever known comfort. She knew that. She knew everything. And she loved me anyway."

"I know what that's like. It was the best feeling in the world while it lasted. I empathize with you."

Tamlin nods and rubs his face again, a shuddering breath escaping him. "Why is this the hand we'd been dealt, Lucien?"

Lucien wrings his hands. "I don't know, Tamlin. Maybe because the Cauldron knew we are two males who can overcome. No matter how damaged we become."

He nods again slowly. "I'm sorry about what I said before. I hope your mate accepts you. I hope you get to feel that ethereal feeling again."

"I appreciate that, despite your qualms about the situation. I hope you get to have it again one day too, Tamlin."

"If Nova blessed me with peace...I will do my best to one day deserve it again."

"That's the spirit."

Tamlin takes a breath and releases it slowly. "Thank you too. For everything. For dragging my ass and sticking around for some reason. I never gave you a reason to forgive me for the horrible things I've done to you. It wasn't okay for me to act out in violence towards you. If I could take it back, I would, but I can't."

"You had a bad moment where you slipped and let the beast inside you take over because you felt too much. It doesn't excuse it or validate it, but it helps me understand it. I hated you for it for weeks. But it's never good to hold onto anger because it will only perpetuate...well...I know how Beron is. So I let it go. Understanding your mental state helps me to forgive you. And I do. I can't quite forget, but I forgive you, Tamlin. You still saved my ass once too, and we've scuffled many times. But, we're okay. Okay?"

"Okay. Thank you. Again, and I guess, always."

Lucien smirks with contentment and slaps Tamlin's shoulder. Tamlin pulls him into a hug and slaps his back a few times. Chuckling a bit, Lucien does the same.

"Use my forgiveness as a motivator. I know you can do this, Tam."

"Right now, you're the only friend I have. I'll never forget your kindness, Lucien." Tamlin pulls away and grips his shoulders gratefully.

"Wow, a few carefully chosen words, and I have one person indebted to me forever already. Maybe if I had been born first, I wouldn't be so bad at the whole politics game."

With that, Tamlin lets out a laugh, the first in years. "No, you wouldn't be, friend."