The fire roars quietly as Nesta pulls the blanket further over her knees, turning the page of her book. She reads the page at least five times before he huffs and gives up, her mind spinning and unable to focus on it, which is frustrating because she would usually be entranced with it.

Placing it on the coffee table, she sighs. "House, can I have some tea, please?"

Within moments, a steaming mug of tea appears in front of her. A soft smile comes to her lips as she takes and warms her hands with it. The Autumn air has gotten colder recently, especially in the evening. Unfortunately, Cassian had some emissary work to do for Rhys which included visiting Jurian and Vassa.

She can't help but let out a snort, wondering what Cassian will think when Lucien isn't there. Elain had informed her that she and Lucien had finally accepted their mate bond and they have been spending nearly every waking moment together, much like she and Cassian did for so many months leading up to their ceremony and months after that. Thinking of them, she can't help but be extremely pleased, since Gwyn had always had a crush on Azriel too, and them being mates was the best news in the world to Nesta. Even Emerie had found her mate, and it seems all their happy endings are snapping into place just as the next war looms, which creates an uncomfortable knot in Nesta's chest. Fear about that future rises, but she swallows it down, reminding herself that it's not today, and to live in the moment.

Despite that, she can't help the memory of Cassian bloodied and dying in front of the King of Hybern from coming into her mind. Elain had said something ominous that has stuck with her ever since, regarding her mate. That it was enough to kill him, had he not gotten help right away.

Shuddering, she clings tighter to her tea and brings it to her cheek, sniffling and looking out the window to the cloudiness, wondering when he will be home. As if on cue, she heard a loud thump on the roof and a smile comes to her face. Moments later, his clunky steps fill the hallway toward the room she's in.

"Nes?"

"In here", she replies.

He comes in, tucking his wings behind his back. "Tea? Are you still not feeling well?"

"I'm okay, just a bit cold. That's why I put the fireplace on."

"I could help with that", he waggles his eyebrows.

Nesta rolls her eyes and motions to the other cushion. Cassian sits down and pulls her legs over his lap.

"How was your day of relaxation?"

"Good, but a little boring."

Cassian glances at her book and furrows his brow. "That's the same book from this morning. I'm shocked you haven't finished it, you usually go through at least three in a day when I leave you alone."

Nesta shrugs and rubs her arms. My mind was elsewhere I guess."

"Now I'm worried", he murmurs, beginning to rub her feet, eliciting a soft groan.

"That feels nice", she says. "You don't have to be worried, I'm just not having a great mental health day, I suppose."

"I would have stayed home with you." His eyebrows knit together in concern.

"No, you needed to work. This war is looming close and—and it's good to be as prepared as we possibly can."

"Right..."

Nesta swallows hard and looks at the fire absently.

"Talk to me, Nes. Please?"

Nesta takes a shaky breath and meets his eyes. "I was just thinking about everything we've had to go through to end up right here, right now. And what would've happened to me if you had died...in the last war", she whispers, her voice cracking.

Cassian scoots closer and grabs her hand, stroking over her wedding ring. "Oh, Nesta...I didn't. I'm right here."

"No, but you could have. You almost did. If there wasn't a healer close, you would have, Cass. And I don't know what I would've been, or how I'd be right now without you."

He squeezes her hand and laces their fingers together. "I'd hope you would have been okay because you're the strongest female I fucking know."

Tears fall down her cheek and he reaches over to stroke them away. He gets up and lifts her into his arms, sitting again so she can curl up in his arms. He wraps his wings around them. "I am here, Nes. We both are, the worst didn't happen."

"It still could though."

"What?"

"The next war, with the queens. Look what Briallyn did to you, did to Eris. Eris, a High Lord's son. They are not as innocent and as weakly humans as people may think and they want us to underestimate them. They have something to use against us even if she died. A-And I can't...I can't lose you." She breathes hard, the start of an anxiety attack.

"Nesta", Cassian cradles her face in his warm hands. "Woah there, breathe. I'm strong too remember. I'll be okay."

"You don't know that! Elain said that your wings getting shredded would be enough to kill you. She's a fucking seer, Cassian. You can't fight in this war, you can't."

Cass sighs and hugs her close, rubbing her back, not getting where any of this anxiety is coming from.

"Nes, I'm the Army General. What would it say to my subjects if I cower and allow them to fight? I can't do that. This is my job.

"Please", she croaks out.

"I wish I didn't have to, but I do. You can fight side by side with me, we will have each other's backs. Okay?"

Nesta is quiet and swallows hard, nodding curtly. "All our lives...none of it was fair. What you had to endure growing up wasn't fair. What I had to endure growing up wasn't fair."

"You should have known your mother, and I wish I didn't have to have known mine. It should have worked the right way around."

Cassian nuzzles her neck and his scruff slightly scratches her face. "Not everyone is dealt a great hand, Nes."

"No, but you should have been. You're so light and happy, and positive all the time. I always wonder how that's possible. I know you sought your revenge on the men who killed her, but it still must hurt. The lingering questions and everything."

Cassian looks into her eyes. "I'm pretty good at playing the positive one, but I don't always feel that way, believe me. As for my mother, yeah I'll always have questions."

He clears his throat, and his eyes get misty. "I was so little when they ripped me from her grasp and ditched me at Windhaven. I don't really remember much but I remember one line of a song she sang to me all the time. And I consider myself lucky to remember that much. It helps me conjure up what her voice would sound like with just that bit of her singing. Going by that, it helps me imagine what she looked like, I man she had to have looked a little like me, right? Not as big and clunky and gruff, but...dark hair, tan skin, hazel or amber eyes. Maybe brown. The thing that gets me is that I don't know how much of myself I got from the fucker who hurt her to conceive me."

Nesta cups his cheek. "None. You got none of him. And it will always be that way because you are nothing like the males who do those heinous things."

"Am I not?", his voice cracks. "When you first came to this house, I voted against you. My mate. I let them cage you like an animal. I let them talk down to you and use you, I let them—"

Nesta cuts him off with a kiss. "You have made amends to me already, Cass."

"That doesn't mean that I don't still feel guilty. At every turn I did the wrong thing for you, because my whole life I'd been following orders. I didn't know any other way of things. I should have said no for you. I should have brought you somewhere you'd be comfortable. And I absolutely should not have been laughing at your pain. I was so fucking conflicted. My heart was pulling me towards you and my family was talking in my ear. But it's you, Nes. Now until forever, this life and the next, it's you. I won't let anyone, not even our family, harm you again. I promise."

"I know, Cass", she whispers softly, lying her head on his chest. "As I said, you've made amends, you've taken my side in things since and you've let them know when they're out of line even when I couldn't think of a response myself. So no, don't you ever, ever fucking think you have any scrap of that hideous male in you because you don't. You are your mother's hardworking, positive, beam of light in this world. You are hers, nobody else's."

A tear falls from his face, and he hugs her tightly. "I love you."

"I love you..."

"Some days I wish she was here so badly. I know that sounds crazy because I never got to know her."

"It's not. I wish she was here for you too. I hope that eventually she would have liked me."

"Nes, I think she would have liked you from the very beginning, and I mean that. If the person I've made her up to be was real, she would have. Like I did, even if I was horrific at showing it."

Nesta smiles weakly. "Nobody could be worse to me than my grandmother and my mother."

Cassian's jaw clenches and his hold tightens on her slightly. "I wish they were alive so I could tear them apart myself. I've heard the stories from you and Elain, and even a select few from Feyre."

"You were a child, Nes."

"Yes. I was", she mutters. "I never knew a healthy dynamic and I-I tried...no, I didn't try, I locked down all my feelings as a means to protect myself and told myself that I was weak with them because every time I cried or laughed or anything they would scold me or hit me for not being proper. And Feyre was...my mother didn't care about Feyre at all. All her attention was on me and Elain. I was the oldest, so every time Elain got in trouble, I said that I did it, or that it was my fault. There was no way I was going to let them do to her what they did to me. When my grandmother died, I sobbed with happiness every night for a week, not believing she was truly gone. The only good thing that ever came from all my horrible pain from her is the fact that I can dance beautifully. She made damn fucking sure that if I didn't do it perfect, she'd take the cane to my back.

Cassian growls and strokes her loose hair, breathing in her scent. "I definitely want to rip her apart, I hope she's rotting in the deepest depths of Hell."

Nesta sniffles. "Me too. Y'know, back then, Feyre was safe. She was the baby, the nanny took care of her, not my mother. And because my mother eventually came to terms with what she had done to me and to Elain on her deathbed, she turned to Feyre for love. And Feyre gave it to her not knowing the fucking scope of everything. I know that everyone loves to blame me the most for letting Feyre hunt, and I agree that as the oldest I should have figured it out. But my only defense is that my mother preyed on her kindness and the fact that she was her mother. She preyed on Feyre's kindness and her heart back then, and she made Feyre make her a deathbed promise to take care of us. Because she knew that no matter what it was, I'd tell her to go fuck herself and that I was glad she was dying. Probably because I had...when my father wasn't there. I aired all my grievances about what she did to me, and you know what she did?", she chuckles through a sob. "She told me that it was for my own good and that I would marry a prince one day. The same fucking thing she'd been telling me since I was born. She told me that all my pain was okay because I'd be good for a man." Tears fall down her face.

"But anyway, Feyre made her that promise and began hunting the moment my father was beaten and his leg was bashed beyond use. My father loved us, but when he lost his money and then his leg, he acted like he lost his entire family. He gave us everything, even trying. He sank into a deep depression, and if it weren't for Feyre, I think we all would have willingly rotted there. I know I would have, but I hated him for that. He had never been that way. He had always loved us enough and when he stopped trying, I saw a copy of my mother, but in an offensive way. Like we were just thorns in his side, so quiet, barely moving. I got so angry...and I held it all inside and it festered like an infected wound because I couldn't understand why he wouldn't fucking do something. But I didn't do anything either."

Tears fall quickly as she clings to Cassian's shirt. He holds her close, allowing her to vent.

"When he came for us, and he looked me in the face and apologized. When he said he loved me like he used to", her lip trembles. "I saw that he could be okay, that we could fix things. And then he was murdered in front of me, and it was like my heart stopped because it was never true that I didn't love him. There was this huge hope that we could be okay; it was fucking dangled right there and then ripped away when that monster killed him. He was the only adult in my life that I did love, and that's why he made me so angry. But he did love us, he came for us. He realized his mistake and what he had done to us with his inaction all those years."

Nesta sobs softly. "It wasn't until I was put in the Cauldron and I sunk into my own depression that I finally understood what he felt all those years. How maybe he wanted to do something but couldn't. Maybe he hated his broken body the way I did, and he couldn't face the effort it would take to get over it. That he saw himself as a huge failure the same way I did. That his anger at himself and the sadness of his life as he knew it being taken was held on the inside to fester the way mine was. And I realize that I'm more like him than I ever saw. I realize that now. I've wished from that day that he could have had the chance to be okay again, the way I have. I-If I had acted sooner and hadn't froze..." More sobs overcome her as she clutches at him.

Cassian sniffs and kisses her head, rubbing her back. "I think that he wasn't bad, he just couldn't cope, and he made the wrong choice, clearly. But he did love you, and I think he is at peace because he got to tell you the most important things that he needed to tell you. I believe your father and my mother would want us to live the best lives that we can live."

Nesta nods and chokes up. "Some days I wonder how I'm even still here. Most people were taught by their parents how to react to things, taught life skills, how to make connections, how to feel properly. I-I still feel like I'm not normal."

Cassian kisses her tenderly. "Normal is boring Nes, I love you as you are. We are both beautifully scarred. That's why our hearts were drawn to one another. We've both suffered in similar ways. But we are also a scale, balancing each other. I don't think being unique is a bad thing. And we can weather the bad days together. Yours and mine. I just need you to tell me when you're not feeling good. I want to be here for you the way I vowed on our wedding day. I told you I'm trying to be a better mate. Not that bitter, confused one. Just remember mate, I can handle jagged edges and deep cuts. Those things don't make me flee. I walk beside death every day, and you are the Queen of it. I choose to be with you, Nesta. I chose you that night, I choose you right now, and I will choose you to the very end of my days and on into every fucking life I have. My soul is bound to yours, my Nessie. That I promise you. Nothing you can do will ever drive me away. Normalcy isn't what thrills me. You do."

Nesta looks up at him brokenly and smiles a bit, pressing a kiss to the corner of his jaw. "Sometimes you know exactly what to say."

"Sometimes?", he feigns a shocked face.

Nesta wipes her eyes and chuckles a bit. "Yes, sometimes. Your abundance of dick jokes has been overkill recently."

"I detest that!", he laughs. "You love my dick jokes."

"Oh, do I?"

"Yes, because you love my dick."

"Oi."

He smirks and waggles his eyebrows. "C'mon, if you still feel bad, I can give you some vitamin D", he grins devilishly.

"For fuck's sake, Cassian."

"Yes, fuck's sake. For the sake of the fuck..."

"Stop talking", she groans.

He howls a laugh and gives her a goofy, boyish grin, stroking her chin. "Come onnnn, that was a good one."

"I take it back, I take it back!"

"No you don't!", he tickles her.

Nesta squeals loudly and swats at his hands. "Nooo! If you don't stop, I'll freeze your dick off!"

Cassian's hands immediately still and he gasps. "You would not! That's my most important part to you!"

Nesta snorts. "Close, but no."

"No? I'm stunned, love."

"No. In lieu of sounding completely corny and fucking weepy, your—your heart is my favorite."

"Awww, Nessss."

"Then your cock", she smirks, and he laughs.

"That's my girl."

She chuckles and kisses him deeply, cupping his face and stroking his scruff.

He scoops her up and carries her to the bedroom. "Better block your ears, house", he laughs.

Nesta slaps his chest and rolls her eyes. "Oh my gods, always so worried. Plus, it only listens to me."

Cassian lies her on their bed and looms over her, kissing her deeply and passionately. Nesta moans lightly in response and pulls him closer, sliding her fingers through his hair. His chest rumbles with a pleasured hum, loving when she plays with his hair.

"Mmm, Cass?"

"Yes, Nes?", he pants, his voice an octave deeper with excitement, his bulge already straining against his trousers.

"You might be upset at me, but could we go slow, at least this time?" Twirling his hair in her fingers she looks into his eyes, letting him see her vulnerability which is still a struggle for her.

Cassian lowers his head and kisses the side of her neck, especially the one spot he knows gets her to squirm.

Nesta moans airily and arches towards him a bit. He smirks on her skin and trails the tip of his nose gently up her cheek until he looks her in the eyes again. "Whatever you need, Nes. If you need slow. You have slow. I'll make the slowest, sweetest fucking love to you."

She giggles lightly and tugs his hair until he gasps. "Not torturously slow. Just...not a ravaged sucking like desperate animals. That could come later."

"Oh, could it?"

"If you're lucky", she smirks.

He chuckles and strips his clothes off before working on hers.

"No ripping this time. I've bought so many fucking clothes because you go all caveman on me."

Cassian barks a laugh, and his eyes sparkle mischievously, his muscular form looming over her intimidatingly, but she just grins and looks at him, a hungry look in her eyes. They get darker as her leans down and strokes her leg, beginning to follow the trail of his fingers with his lips, eliciting a soft moan from her.

Continuing up her thigh, his throat rumbles in a low growl as he glances up at her, scenting her excitement. "Do I always get you this aroused, Nes?"

She pants and a blush comes to her cheeks. "As my mate, I think you know the answer to that Lord Cassian."

He growls louder before parting her legs, his mouth going right where she needs it, and beginning to feast on what he had caused.

A pleasured squeal comes from her as she arches her back further, tightening her grip on his dark locks. "Cassian!"

His large yet warm hands grip her pale thighs to keep her relatively still for him as he works her into a pleased frenzy with his tongue. She squirms relentlessly, on the verge on begging, which crests his own desire.

"Please...please. Oh, fuck please."

"Please what, Nesta?", he groans as he continues his ministrations.

"Oh godsss", she pants. "I need—I need you to make me come."

Cassian grips her hips and moves his attention to her clit, his tongue playing her perfectly, driving her mad with pleasure.

"Cass!", Nesta yells out his name as he successfully brings her to orgasm, extremely pleased with himself as he usually is. His male pride bursts from him as he lifts his head and flashes her a flushed grin, unable to contain it.

She moans softly and breathes hard, glaring at him. Her pleased smile gives her away, however, and he can't contain how lucky he feels to be mated to this incredible, strong, powerful female. The sometimes brash and iron-willed Nesta Archeron, Queen of Death, Wielder of the Dead Trove.

Kissing up the rest of her body, he groans as he squeezes her breasts. "Fuck, you're gorgeous, Nes. I'll never get over your fucking body."

She turns red and looks at the ceiling. "I hope always feel that way."

"I will. Until the end of days."

Cassian spends the rest of the night making love to his mate, his wife, and the best thing that's ever happened to him, showing her just how much he means that.

.

.

.

Azriel runs a hand through his hair as he lands at the House of Winds, entering through the kitchen. He is immediately hit with the scent of Nesta and Cassian's mating...and he balks.

"For fuck's sake!", he grumbles. "Thank fuck I don't have to deal with this too much longer", he mutters to himself, going back outside, taking in the view of Velaris and allowing the crisp wind to flow through his dark hair.

He feels a soft tugging in his chest and he swallows, wanting to rush to Gwyn. He knows that she should be finishing up her shift at the library, but he doesn't want to be smothering or clingy. Letting his eyes slip closed and the cold bite painfully at his scarred hands and his flushed face, he can't help but imagine their wedding. Of course, it's much too soon and he hasn't even asked, but it would come as the next step.

Not that he sees Gwyn as steps; no, she's the sweetest and most treasured gift he has ever been given and he isn't going to rush and fuck it up. Not a chance. In fact, even if Gwyn isn't ready to move into their new home, it will be there whenever she is. Even if she needs years, he would willingly wait because she is worth that patience. He's waited five hundred years, a few more is nothing.

Stretching his hands, he grimaces slightly in pain and sighs, looking at the deep, pale scars on his tanned skin and the clear contrast he was always ashamed of. The obviousness of their ugliness. Strength. Gwyn had said their scars, both inner and outer were proof of their strength. He lets out a breath and watches as it swirls in the air before dissipating.

Putting his hands in his pockets, his right comes upon the soft velvet of the engagement ring box. He knows that his heart is rushing, but he fully plans on putting it away for safekeeping until the time is right. One day it will be, and that day will be the best day of his life. The happiest. A day with no questions, second-guessing, self-loathing, or sadness. Just him and Gwyn. The woman who makes him believe that he deserves this love; deserves her. He can't mess it up, or else his life simply isn't worth continuing on.

Tomorrow is a new day and one he is nervous about. The day he visits his mother at Rose Hall and finally gets to tell her about Gwyn. A small smile comes to his lips as he thinks of how thrilled she will finally be for him to have found his forever girl. He can make her proud, show her that he is, however clingy, a better male than the one that had accidentally conceived him. A male that can prove to her that however little time they had together when he was a boy, she made an impact and raised him right. That she was the only saving grace for him these last five centuries.

He makes a mental note to thank her for loving him despite how he came into this world, and to show her that her love was the difference between who he is today and the bitter, angry version of himself that he had always seen in his father that he could have let loose ages ago. His mother was his tether and he should have shown her appreciation long ago. He always means to visit her more often, but he hasn't. That will change, as he thinks Gwyn will do her a lot of good and vice versa. They have the same trauma, and Gwyn would be happy to have an older mentor to speak to. Something his mother has become very good at.

Looking up at the stars he says a similar prayer that he says each night when he has the time. Only now he includes his future. "Mother bless my friends and family. Protect my mother, my brothers, my best friends, and my mate, and help me to always be the kind of person they deserve to have around. Help me to continue growing into the male I'm meant to be, and help me resist the bad parts of me inherited from my father." Taking a deep breath, he swallows and nods slowly, stepping up and off the balcony, his wings catching the wind as he decides on a quiet fly over Velaris to calm all his nerves.