"Ready, love?"
"I am", Gwyn replies, a nervous smile playing on her lips as she steps forward and rubs his chest gently. "You look very handsome. I think it's cute that you dress up for your mom."
Azriel's cheeks pinken slightly. "I don't dress up for her."
"No? Funny how I have never once seen you wear a collared shirt in my life."
He is silent and she giggles, the shadows twirling around her and whispering snide remarks as well.
"Caught his tongue, sweet priestess", one hisses.
"He's always been a secret mama's boy", another adds, teasingly.
"She's the weakness he never tells anyone about, out of fear", a third lets her know.
Azriel crosses his arms. "What are they whispering to you?"
Her grin widens and she goes on her tiptoes to peck his lips. "Wouldn't you like to know, spymaster?", she smirks, poking his nose. "Away we go, my handsome sky chauffeur."
He snorts and shakes his head. "I'm almost too afraid to see you both together in the same room as me. You're oddly similar in snideness."
"Well, you know what they say. Some males choose females that remind them of their mothers. At least if they have a good one. It's not a bad thing", she shrugs, whining as she attempts to wrap her arms around his neck, her stature just slightly too short to get them all the way around.
"Ohh who's laughing now, little passenger?"
"Azzz", she groans.
He chuckles deeply and lifts her into his arms, kissing her soundly. She squeaks in surprise then smiles on his lips, kissing back and wrapping her arms around his neck.
"Mm", he smiles, pulling back softly. "Ready?", he asks, stepping out onto their balcony.
"Ready, Captain", she murmurs and smiles.
Azriel raises an eyebrow and chuckles. "That's new."
"Just trying it out."
He launches into the sky and she squeaks, clinging to him tightly. "Oh, gods!"
His rumbling laugh echoes slightly as they rise into the clouds, and she nuzzles her face into his neck. "Your mom must be lovely if you are half of her."
"She is. She has done a lot of work on herself. She allowed me to stay with Rhys's family once I escaped my father and stepmother's clutches; she let his mother raise me. She was probably too broken and too depressed to be what I wanted her to be, and maybe she decided to give me a home that was safe and steady." His face falls a bit. "Of course, at the time I was angry, I thought she didn't want me. I caused a lot of hell for Darcy, and I fought with Cass and Rhys a lot. I wasn't the quieter, strategic male that I am now. I wasn't easy...to take care of or to love."
Gwyn tears up and rubs his chest. "I don't believe that. I'm sure Darcy knew and saw what you were struggling with. Children lash out when they are hurting on the inside. I saw it many times in the Temple. There were a lot of struggling people there. Pretty much anyone from Autumn who was deemed irregular ended up taken care of by the Temple priestesses. My mother was. But she grew from it and trained to become a priestess. Then she raised Catrin and me to inherit the lifestyle. It was peaceful, and being in service of those less fortunate was a good way to live. It didn't take away from our childish hijinks, however", she chuckles softly. "Catrin and I got into loads of trouble as kids. To be fair, Catrin was much naughtier than I was, if you can believe that. She was much more energetic and outgoing."
Azriel glances down at her and flaps his wings to catch the direction of the wind. "I'm sure she was lovely."
"Think...female Cassian", she laughs. "So many times I've thought: Gods, they could create so much damn havoc together. It may be a good thing she never met him", she snorts.
"By the Cauldron", he mutters. "That would be disastrous", he smirks.
"Absolutely. I can tell you, there would have been more than one Summer Court building destroyed if we'd all known each other back then!"
Azriel pecks her cheek and smiles. "They never would have taken back those blood rubies and given us a third chance, then."
"Most likely not. Luckily you have Amren?"
"Ahh, he ties to Varian. Yes. Hell, she's practically an honorary Summer Court member now. Never thought she would be one for love."
"I never thought I would be, either. But people grow."
He looks at her for a brief moment and blushes. "You're perfect, Gwyn."
"So are you. To me. No arguments."
He huffs. "Unfair."
"I just know you."
"Yes, you do."
He tilts down and declines toward the corner of the Spring Court, near the Summer border.
"Are you sure you're alright after that nightmare today?", she whispers softly, the wind flowing past their faces and the intense focus on Azriel's face, making it hard for him to hear her. Or maybe he's simply blocking out the question.
"Az?"
He lands with a soft thud on the border and tucks his wings neatly, setting her down on the soil. Looking at her, he sighs softly. "Yes, I'm fine."
Gwyn slips her hand into his and intertwines their fingers, looking up at him. "I remember that night too. As vividly as if it were yesterday", she says quietly. "The images, the memories...they don't just go away. I don't know if they ever will. I still carry guilt, even if I am moving on, knowing that Catrin would want me to. And I know that you have seen many gory things in your life, as part of your job. But that time...you weren't doing the mutilating, and it wasn't horrible monsters that were being hurt. You don't have anything to be guilty about."
Azriel's jaw ticks and he stares at the ground as they walk. "I should have gotten there sooner."
"Azriel", she says firmly. "Do you know how many would've, could've, should've, situations there are in this world? It will consume you to think that way. Believe me, I know. I did for two and a half years until Nesta convinced me to fight for myself and stop letting it hold me back. You got there when you could get there, and you still saved me from certain death. If not by their hand, then by my own." Her voice dips to a barely audible whisper as she says that last part.
"What?", he questions, his gaze snapping to hers in horror.
"Wh-when I was on that table being held down...all I could think of was my sister and those kids. I knew that as long as I was alive, they could keep using me and keep prying for the location of the children. And I would have rathered join my sister with the Mother than let them harm one single hair on those precious children's heads. When h-he was...done...and I thought the other two were...there was a second where I thought to fight, if only to grab one of their daggers to slit my own throat. Because at the time, that pain would have been nothing compared to watching my sister get beheaded or having to feel another one of them inside me", she chokes out.
Azriel stops, and gently grips her shoulders, looking into her teary eyes, his face solemn yet shocked. "You never told me that."
"I never could say it out loud..."
"Gwyn...I—"
"You saved me, Az. Even if you thought you were too late. You weren't. Because I'm here and not with Catrin. And for years I didn't know what would be worse. To give up, and feel like a coward, getting to the other side and seeing her disappointed face, or staying and feeling like I hated my body and how much my mind was betraying me."
A lone tear makes its way down her face and he strokes it away with his thumb.
"But I saw you slaughter them that day. With all that feral rage and pain in your face; your empathy for me, and the rest of the priestesses. And during those days in the library, I thought about you often. I even researched you-the illustrious Night Court Shadowsinger and Spymaster. There should be more info. Anyway, I wondered if you would feel the same guilt that I did for Catrin if you ever found out that I had taken my life. For not getting there in time. I had overheard you once, asking Clotho for a blessing of sound mind. I thought it best not to upset you by seeing me again."
He opens his mouth to speak, but he's speechless, swallowing hard instead. "You heard that?"
She nods and lifts her hands to stroke his cheek then takes his hand and walks again. "Then of course there was ummm...that incident months after that."
"Incident?"
She blows out a breath and cringes a little. "I wasn't fully truthful with you the first time we had dinner, after we found out we were mates..."
His brow crinkles. "No?"
"No...Az...I-I was the one that rescued you from the lightsingers."
He stops short again. "What?"
She looks down. "I'm sorry. I should have told you, but I didn't want the gratitude. I was just repaying the favor. I felt drawn to you even then, and it scared me. But it scared me more, seeing you nearly drown. And that was the one and only time I transformed into my nymph form after Catrin died. I know I told you that I hadn't but...I didn't want all the fuss."
He stares at her. "You saved my life...?"
"Yes."
"You?"
"Yes. I-I am much stronger in that form. We have to be to swim with the...the heavy tails and everything...are you pissed at me?"
Love shines through his eyes as he stares at her, dumbfounded. "N-No, no, I'm not upset. I mean, I'm upset that you thought you couldn't tell me...but...wow. Thank you", he murmurs, leaning down and kissing her soundly.
That's when they hear a high-pitched whistle that startles them away from one another. He growls a bit at his shadows, who make their high-pitched laughs from not warning him.
"Not to interrupt the smooch-fest, but get in here, boy. I want to meet your pretty mate!"
Az groans a bit and makes a face. Gwyn looks at him and smirks. "Better listen to your mom."
"Yes", he mutters, smiling slightly as he grabs her hand. "C'mon."
Going into the quaint little house, Azriel smiles softly and hugs her. "Hi, Mom."
"Hello, sweet boy", she responds, rubbing his back between his wings.
Gwyn nearly melts at the sight, a twinge of sadness in her gut, missing her own mother.
"Get over here, sweetheart. You're family now too", she grins at Gwyn, who blushes deeply and walks over obediently. Leila hugs them both and beams.
"It's nice to meet you..."
"Oh, just call me Mom. Or Leila if you aren't quite comfortable with it."
Gwyn smiles sweetly and nods, shifting on her feet nervously.
Azriel holds her hand again. "Ma, remember what I told you. To...tone it down a little bit?"
"Oh! Yes. Yes, I'm sorry", she says, quieting a little.
"No, please. Don't...don't pretend to be anything you're not. And please, forgive me. I'm...still not quite used to venturing out around others I don't know well, and this is frankly...it's the first time I've been out of the Night Court since I was um...brought there. But I told Az earlier that I wanted this. I'm just a bit nervous, is all. It's not you. You're lovely."
Leila smiles and her eyes crinkle a bit. She reaches out and takes Gwyn's hand from Azriel's. "I know what that feels like. I'm sorry to have made such a booming impression. I am so very glad to meet you, Gwyn. Anyone who can give my son the love he deserves is the kind of female I admire."
Gwyn tears up and squeezes her hands. "Thank you. I do love him." She looks over at Az, his tanned cheeks a bright pink. "I love him more than anything. He deserves the world, and he gives me the world."
"Oh...oh Azzy, she's perfect", she chokes up, hugging Gwyn tightly. He takes a deep breath and sends Gwyn an apologetic look. She grins and hugs Leila back.
"As I said, I am very happy to be welcomed here, Leila. I'm just a bit jittery, being so close to where...where Sangravah is, just South of here. I know it's rebuilt and there are new priestesses and everything is all good, but it's just..."
"I know", she whispers, gently cupping her new daughter's cheek. "You don't have to explain it to me, Gwyneth."
"You can call me Gwyn. Everyone else does."
"Alright, Gwyn. So, I hear that you are training as a Valkyrie."
Az smirks and sits on the sofa, happily ignored for the time being, his shadow looming around him lazily as he props his head on his fist.
"I am", she says, lifting her chin proudly. "Honestly, it's been a struggle some days. Wondering if I'm doing this for the right reasons, or if I'm just trying to escape my thoughts. But my friends help me so much and I know now that there is a world for me to experience. That I don't have to hide away anymore."
Leila leads her to the sofa to sit next to Azriel and she sits opposite her in a chair, stretching her wings a bit. "You are very brave. I have met with so many females who are far too scared to venture out and try to recover. Their fear rules them, still. It's sad to see. But you are strong, and I admire that about you. I also admire that you gave my son a chance, despite it. That you gave your bond a chance. It is precious and should be nurtured. Not too many are gifted with something so special; a bond where they are in fact, a perfect match. But I know Azriel adores you with his whole heart, I've seen it in his eyes when he speaks about you, and even in how he speaks of you."
"Ma", Az mumbles, clearing his throat.
"I think she would enjoy knowing that her mate loves her so fiercely that she is on his mind even when they aren't together."
"I do enjoy knowing that", she states, smiling at Az lovingly.
Leila grins. "Are you two hungry?"
Az places a hand over hers. "We're good, Mum. We had breakfast before we came here."
"I was asking Gwyneth; you should let her answer for herself, boy", she scolds.
He blushes and looks at Gwyn sheepishly. "Sorry. Yes, go ahead. Are you hungry, love?"
Leila gasps. "Aww, you call her 'love'?"
Gwyn giggles softly. "No, I am all set with food. But I don't think I have ever seen Az's fae quite so deeply red before."
He groans and leans back onto the sofa dramatically.
"He also calls me priestess, little mate, sweet melody, sometimes pretty nymph...hmm, what else, Azzy?"
Az glares at her cutely and Leila looks absolutely thrilled.
"Oh, yes, you are part nymph. That is very intriguing. What is it like?"
"Like?"
"Swimming."
"Oh. It's...it's lovely. Freeing. Or, it was...I used to swim with my sister and my mother a lot. I haven't really done so since their deaths. It feels...wrong, I guess."
"Oh hon, they would never want you to give up something you enjoy just because they are no longer here. They are thriving in the eternal land of milk and honey. They are no longer in pain and are happy. I'm sure they are together. Maybe even swimming together. You deserve to live the life you have fought so, so hard for. Without limitations."
Gwyn takes a shaky breath and nods. "I know...it's crazy."
"It's not crazy", she says, patting her knee. "It's normal, with losses like that. Guilt is a monster of its own. But if you feed it, it will only get larger and less manageable."
Gwyn looks over at Az who slinks back a bit into his shadows. She scoots over and hugs him tightly, lying her head on his chest. He tenses for a second, then wraps an arm around her.
"I think both of us know that personally", she tells Leila.
"As do I", Leila whispers, looking at Azriel. She reaches over and squeezes his hand. "Unfortunately, all we can do is try and make all the right decisions and pray that they are the correct ones. When I..." She takes a deep breath. "I had to live with what Tynan and his rotten wife...and those despicable half-brothers did to Azzy...for years, knowing that I didn't have the power to stop it."
Azriel cringes back from his father's name, looking away as he tears up. "It wasn't your fault, Ma", he whispers. "What he did to you", he chokes out. "It was never your fault. And I-I...", he looks down at their hands, covering her smaller one with his. "I just wish that my existence never caused you pain", he says shakily.
Leila's eyes well up with tears. "Oh, baby...no. I never regretted you for a single moment, despite how you came to be. You were my little miracle. I told you before that I would go through it all again just to have you as my son."
His face pinches slightly as he tries to hold back the tears, failing.
She sniffles and Gwyn looks between them, teary-eyed, recognizing the same trauma in Leila that she suffered through, taken to a whole other level.
"Azzy there was such a great chance that I could have lost you after you were born. I was broken and not of sound mind, and I-I didn't take great care of myself after—but I did want you. Since the moment I had found out you were growing in my womb, I wanted you. Sometimes I wasn't strong enough to do what was best for us then, and you were born so, so small." Tears run down her face.
"I knew it was my fault for not being healthy during the pregnancy, and I prayed and prayed and prayed to the Mother that you would live. Because you were my baby, and I loved you the moment I knew of you. You will always be my baby, Azriel. I will never regret you, and I will always love you. I know I had many flaws and made one too many mistakes. But I always, always, tried to make the choices that would be in your best interest. I begged Tynan and his wife. I offered to be their housekeeper or anything they needed just to be close to you and he refused. H-he wouldn't even let me be anywhere close to the home. He had guards. And I felt all my guilt and all my rage, from the moment he ripped you out of my arms. You had to have been about one. And you cried for me, and I had to watch him walk away with you. I never once forgot your little face as he did so, knowing I was powerless to protect you."
Tears make their way down Azriel's face. "That hour that I spent with you a week...it was my solace. You are the only person who made me feel loved. Even in just that one hour, you gave me enough of it to get through the next week and the next. And for a long time, I was mad at you. As much as I loved and adored you and only wanted to be with you, I was mad at you. Because I didn't know what I did to deserve everything I had to go through", he chokes out, stifling a sob. "I was a kid, Mom. I had no idea what I did wrong."
Leila cries quietly and hugs him tightly. He hugs her back and sniffles, nuzzling her shoulder. "And I waited...for you to explain it. Or to tell me why. Or to decide to run away with me. Something. But you never did and I never knew why. And I guess as I got older, I figured that maybe you hated looking at me because I was a horrid reminder of what he did to you. Because even when you had the opportunity to take me back, you let Darcy raise me instead. So I just thought...maybe being around me was too painful. Maybe I was the problem all along."
She shakes her head and cries. "I didn't know how to explain everything to you as a child. I am sorry. As you grew up, it got harder and harder to explain...or to admit that I was too broken to be what you needed. I was selfish, and I didn't want to admit that to myself, never mind you...because I didn't want to make you any sadder than you were, sweetheart. I know now, that it's a terrible excuse. We should have talked about this a long, long, long time ago. I'm so sorry. You could never be the problem, Azzy. You were my best moments and my best days. You are my best accomplishment and everything I never was. You have no idea how proud of you I am. How amazed I am with your strength and resilience and your ability to remain kind after all you've endured. But you're my boy. The same boy who wore his whole heart on his sleeve, and whose unending sweetness carried me through the darkest times imaginable. You were not my ruin, Azriel. He was. You were my saving grace. I will never be able to go back and change it. How I should have been yours and not the other way around."
"Mom...", he chokes out.
"I mean it. Every word. You deserved so much better. Happiness, love, comfort, safety, kindness. And I believe the world has finally given you the reward you so truly deserve. Your patience has resulted in everything you could have ever dreamed, of in one person. It has given you Gwyn. Your mate. Your own saving grace."
Gwyn sniffles and tears fall as she kisses his cheek. Azriel kisses her forehead and takes a steadying breath.
"I-I'm...I don't come around as much as I should. Maybe it was like...my way of punishing you subconsciously. I'm sorry, Mom. I've seen others go through what you went through...", he looks down at Gwyn sadly. "And I understand now, what I didn't back then. I know the toll it takes now, and everything you had to go through, and then having to carry me and birth me on top of that I— I'm sorry."
"Don't you be sorry for a thing", she says firmly. "You never did anything wrong."
"You know...during the curse, I was sick with worry. Not only about Rhys but about you. You chose to live in Spring for the calmness and the warmth of it. And then she happened and...I couldn't get to you. I-I tried so many times to get through his shield. You had been through enough."
Leila cups his cheek softly. "I'm alright...I'm here. It was very hard and very rocky...but I had to remind myself of all the work I put in, to be okay. I wouldn't let her rip that away from me. I couldn't go down that path again. I couldn't. So I stay quiet, and still. Made myself small, scarce under the Mountain. We were in cages. Very minimal food, but I think I survived because I had fasted for so long during my trauma...it came naturally."
"Fasted?", Azriel mutters pointedly.
"I-used to starve myself to punish myself. It was...not wise. But that was the self-harming tool I used. Ironically, I do believe that's how I survived there."
Gwyn pipes up slowly. "I used my guilt to prevent me from feeling happy, or proud, or anything positive about myself. For a long time. Sometimes I still do. I got promoted and instead of being overjoyed, I cried in my room all night because I didn't think I was good enough for it. Honestly, Merrill isn't a very nice boss anyway, but being a research analyst is everything I wanted to be after realizing I loved working in the library. But I wouldn't let myself feel it. I forced myself into numbness for a long time until one day I met a nice girl a few years younger than me. And I found myself amused by her own coldness, I saw myself in her anger and her sadness. So I spoke with her, and I found myself being sarcastic again. It was Nesta. One of my best friends now, and the female who convinced me that I needed to break out of my shell. She helps me more than I can ever express, and I think Az had a hand in helping her to heal from her trauma too. She was a mortal turned fae by the Cauldron. One of the girls who were kidnapped by Hybern as an experiment. The High Lady's sister..."
Azriel interjects. "Feyre's sister."
His mother nods slowly. "Ahh, it's good that you have friendships and that you can lean on one another."
"Do you?"
"Do I, what?"
"Have...y'know, friends here. In Spring."
Leila blushes a little. "Just a couple. We are all sort of loners though", she chuckles. "Not quite as adventurous as you."
"Well, the Blood Rite wasn't exactly something we chose. Just...more trauma. I guess we have more in common than I thought. Both of us lived through assault, then went through something else traumatic. For you, it was Under the Mountain, for me it was the Blood Rite. But ultimately, we made it out."
"You know Azriel was in full panic mode when you were put into the Blood Rite. He had a missing near the borders here, but he had a moment to spare to vent to me about it. H was terrified."
Gwyn gapes. "Ohh, were you now?"
"I-I knew you guys were going to be fine. I was just worried because I know how Illyrian males are and with you having...trauma and such, I was a bit concerned."
"Full-on panic attack."
"Mother!"
Leila smirks. "I think that mate bond was really doing him in because I had never seen him look more sick to his stomach, or speaking that fast in his life. He wouldn't tell me why. Just that non-Illyrian female 'friends' had been forced into it."
"Mhmmm", Gwyn looks at him, shaking her head. "You faker! You seemed so unbothered when you realized we won! You even said that you didn't think we would make it so you didn't get us prizes. You expected us to die."
"No", Azriel growls, and Gwyn blushes. "I would never have let you die. That arrow through your leg..."
"Was painful but survivable."
"Was something I should have been able to kill that asshole for. I would have taken a very long time and made it brutal and slow."
"Woah, lighten up there, interrogator. I was okay."
"Eventually", he mumbles.
Gwyn pecks his lips. "You're cute when you're broody."
"I'm not cute."
"You're cute. Isn't he cute, Leila?"
"Has been since the day he was born."
Azriel groans. "See, I knew I should have never let you two in the same room together."
Gwyn giggles and his mother gets up from her seat. "How about some tea?"
Az rolls his eyes. "Se won't stop asking unless we accept something, so it may as well be tea."
"Hey, I saw those eyes roll, boy."
"Sorry", he mumbles.
Wrapping her arms around his neck, Gwyn nuzzles his chest and breathes in his scent. "I love you Az. Every part of you, the good and the bad, and the in-between. Forever."
"I love you too, Gwyn."
His shadows twirl around them comfortingly, hanging low near their waists.
Leia comes back with the tea and sets it down.
"Now...Gwyn, I know that after going through what we went through, intimacy can be a difficult subject. Have you two...confirmed your bond yet?"
Gwyn turns deep red and chews her lip.
"Mom!", Azriel gasps offensively.