Chapter 14

Cassandra takes a steady breath as she stands in front of the closed bedroom door, just inches away from her face. She doesn't know how long she stares at it in thought before finally mustering up the courage to lightly knock her fist against it, breaking the silence of the empty cabin.

"Raps?" She waits a few moments. No answer. Then she attempts to turn the door handle only to discover it to be locked from the other side. Cassandra sighs, her voice remaining gentle, "Can you please open the door?"

Still, no response.

Though she hasn't heard a thing since Rapunzel had hidden herself in there earlier, Cassandra knows she's inside. She doesn't expect the princess to want to talk to her right now, considering everything that just happened, and what Rapunzel had last said to her before disappearing into the bedroom.

"Just when someone shows that they might actually care about you, you push them away."

The words have been haunting Cassandra's mind ever since, along with the sheer look of disappointment that Rapunzel had given her as she turned her back on Cassandra. Somehow, it hurt a lot more coming from her of all people. Because Rapunzel is the one person in the world that Cass would never want to disappoint.

But Cassandra hadn't meant to push Rapunzel away, to refuse to let Rapunzel tend to her wounds, to scold her for not doing what she was told even though she's the one that ultimately saved Cassandra's life. Or… maybe she did mean to do all of that. Maybe she'd done all of it deliberately because she somehow thought things would be easier to deal with that way. She doesn't know. All she knows is that she'd felt awful for reacting so dismissively toward Rapunzel immediately after it happened.

She'd tried to brush it all aside and forget any of it had even happened, but that had proven to be useless. Rapunzel's harsh accusations were all Cassandra had thought about as she leaned over a bucket of water and proceeded to wash the blood from her face afterwards - In silence, on her own, without Rapunzel's help.

"You've changed, Cass. You hurt people… and you have no one to blame but yourself."

The worst part of all of it is that Cassandra knows Rapunzel is right. And that makes Cass even more angry with herself than she had been before. It's why she finds herself on the wrong side of the bedroom door, wanting Rapunzel to talk to her now more than anything. Wishing Rapunzel didn't know Cassandra better than she knows her own self.

She debates giving up and walking away. She debates leaving Rapunzel alone because the princess clearly doesn't want to discuss it right now, all while never talking about this again and hoping it will resolve itself eventually. It's what Cassandra would usually do. At the same time, it feels like a lifetime since they'd just talked to each other. It used to be so easy as teenagers. Now, it's as if they're nothing more than strangers.

Cassandra doesn't want that, not when Rapunzel is the one person she truly needs right now. Because that feeling of regret and longing that overcame Cassandra as Rapunzel left her sitting there alone… well, it may have just been the worst feeling in the entire world.

She doesn't want to push Rapunzel away anymore, not after everything that they've been through. She'll lose herself if she does.

"Look, I shouldn't have gotten upset with you," Cassandra admits. Though she's merely speaking to the door, she knows Rapunzel can hear her. "I know you were just trying to help. I just… I'm not really used to people putting me before them." Her voice softens, and her gaze falls to the floor as she speaks, "So, when it does happen… I guess I just don't know how to respond. And I'm sorry."

Acknowledging feelings is not something that has ever come easy to Cassandra, when all she's ever done in her life is brush them aside. Talking about them is another challenge entirely, which is why apologizing now seems like the hardest thing in the world for her to do. Somehow, it's even harder than killing.

But Cassandra has been a servant to the world the day she was chosen as Rapunzel's appointed knight. It became not only her job, but her purpose in life to serve the princess, to protect her, to put her own life on the line for her. Never the other way around. And Cassandra became used to it. She was built for it. She trained her entire life for it. That's the way it's always been. It's all she's ever known.

People aren't supposed to put themselves before Cassandra. They're not supposed to take care of her, to help her, to make sacrifices for her. She's supposed to be the one doing all of those things for somebody else. The concept of someone potentially doing the same for her in return is not a thought that she was ever even allowed to have. It'd practically been drilled into her head the day she began training as a knight when she was only eight years old – so much so that she'd never even had the time to think about her own self.

Nothing but silence follows Cassandra's admittance, and it makes her chin fall with defeat. Then she hears the door handle softly jingling in front of her.

A moment later, the door swings open, and she finds Rapunzel standing on the other side of it.

The princess' eyes are tired though there's a kindness behind them that hadn't been there before as she meets Cassandra's gaze. They stare at each other for a moment, and Cass waits in anticipation for whatever it is Rapunzel is about to say.

Then the corner of Rapunzel's mouth tugs into an uneven grin as she faintly tilts her head, "It's okay."

Cassandra can't help but smirk back at her, beyond relieved to hear that. Not like she had ever expected Rapunzel of all people to hold a grudge.

A few moments pass where they only gaze at each other with an unspoken admiration before Cassandra asks with nervousness, "Can I come in?"

She doesn't want to be alone right now. Rapunzel doesn't either.

Without a word, Rapunzel turns and steps further into the room. She leaves the door open, inviting Cassandra to slowly follow behind her. Rapunzel lowers herself on the bench seat beneath the windowsill, where she had been sitting before.

Cassandra awkwardly rubs her arm as she wanders closer, then finds no choice but to join her.

They sit there next to each other in silence, a safe distance apart, neither of them completely facing the other. Rapunzel sits in the corner with her back against the wall and pulls her knees up to her chest, watching the thick snowflakes that float to the ground on the other side of the frosted window. Cassandra grips the edge of the bench seat and stares forward at the ground as the events of everything that happened today linger unspoken between them.

"What do we do now?" Rapunzel asks.

Cassandra's nose is throbbing. Her head is pounding still, though the pain has lessened. She feels exhausted and wants nothing more than to give in to sleep right now.

"Nothing changes," she assures. "We make our way towards Fairview, just like we've always planned. I know you don't want to leave, but we can't stay here for much longer. There's more of them out there and it's only a matter of time before they come back here looking for their friends."

She thinks about their 'boss' again, and who exactly that might be. It makes Cassandra nervous all over again.

Rapunzel stares blankly forward in thought, her voice emotionless, "So… we run."

Cassandra knows Rapunzel doesn't like the sound of it, but they have no other choice. "Yeah."

The room falls quiet once more.

Rapunzel hugs her knees tighter to her chest. Her brows crease in distress as her mind becomes disturbed. A hopelessness overcomes her voice as she murmurs mindlessly, "How do you forgive yourself for the things that you've done?"

Immediately, Cassandra knows what she is talking about. Her own mind reverts to the sight of Rapunzel screaming as she stabbed that bandit to death, covering herself in blood. It had looked so… out of place for somebody like her. Somebody that Cassandra has only ever known to be so innocent, so kind, so helpless.

Cassandra can only imagine the guilt Rapunzel must be feeling right now, though it's something she has grown numb to herself. Killing is the biggest stranger to a princess. It's no stranger to a knight. After witnessing so much death and violence, and partaking in it herself, Cassandra stopped feeling guilty about killing people a long time ago.

"You don't," says Cass, "You just learn to live with it."

But Rapunzel has never felt this way before - so confused, so… not herself, disgusted with what she has done, with no way of ever taking it back. She fears this indescribable feeling of remorse is never going to stop eating away at her like it is now.

"Does it ever get easier?" Rapunzel wonders aloud, "Or is this just… all there is?"

Cassandra thinks about that, unsure of what Rapunzel is referring to anymore. She's asked herself the same thing for years, though for different reasons.

"I don't know," she admits, wishing she knew the answer to that herself.

Rapunzel's face crumples in distress once more, as if she might begin to cry. "I stabbed a knife into his neck," she says numbly, the images vivid in her mind. "His blood was on my hands." A lump forms in her throat now just thinking about it. Her hands haven't stopped shaking since she'd plunged that dagger into him, and she wonders if they ever will. "What if... he had somebody he cared about? The way I care about you. What if they were waiting for him? But now he's not coming back because… I killed him. Maybe that doesn't make me much different from them. Maybe I'm a bad person too."

Cassandra would be lying to say she hasn't had similar thoughts. She'd asked herself countless times whether she could have prevented her father's death… Arianna's, Frederic's. Her darkest thoughts have led a part of her to blame herself for them, solely because she'd done nothing to stop them from happening. She'd wondered if that made her a bad person, too.

The difference between them and these men… is that Cassandra doesn't feel remorse for the bandits.

"It was either him or me. You did what you had to." Cass looks over at Rapunzel sitting next to her, though the princess doesn't meet her eyes. "Rapunzel, these men… They're the reason we're stuck out here. They're the ones who took everything from us. Who want to hurt you. People like that don't deserve to live."

Rapunzel only stares ahead as she listens to Cassandra's words, thinking about the fact that these are the same men that burned down all of Corona. They took away their home and killed everybody in it. They murdered her parents. Maybe that means that what Rapunzel did can be justified, for all the suffering and loss they have caused for others. Maybe it can't.

Killing him still felt wrong to her somehow. Revenge has never been in her nature. But it seems the more she learns about how cruel the world can truly be, the more she realizes that Cassandra is right. She just hopes she never has to kill anybody again.

Rapunzel thinks about her argument with Cassandra the night before, and how everything had gone so wrong so quickly since then.

"You were right," she says. "We should have left. Then none of this would've ever happened."

Cassandra exhales softly. "It doesn't matter anymore. They're gone now… It's over."

Rapunzel's voice suddenly breaks with emotion, "I was just so scared. I thought you were gonna die." When she looks up to meet Cassandra's gaze, Rapunzel's eyes are already glistening with tears. Her breath hitches as she begins to crumble completely, "You're all I have left, Cass, and I can't—I can't lose you too."

"Stop," Cassandra faces her completely and shifts closer, her voice remaining soft. "You're not gonna lose me." She dips her head down in front of Rapunzel's face, forcing her to look up at her. When she does, Cassandra raises her arm and brushes her thumb across Rapunzel's freckled cheek, wiping away her tears. "I'm still here. I'm okay. You're okay... And I've still got some fight left in me."

Rapunzel sniffles. A brief chuckle escapes her lips that sounds more like a broken sob. She flashes Cassandra a teary grin regardless, whose hand is still cupping the side of her face.

And suddenly, with the way Rapunzel is looking at her right now, coupled with the position they'd somehow found themselves in, Cassandra finds herself completely frozen, captivated by the princess' piercing green eyes suddenly so close to her own.

Her heart beats faster.

It's as if everything in the world right now is telling Cassandra to just kiss her. To lean a little bit further forward and close the gap between them. To pull Rapunzel's face just a little bit closer to hers until their lips touch. Just like Rapunzel had done to her that night at the tavern. Just like Cassandra has only ever found the courage to do in her dreams.

She wants to tell Rapunzel everything – how much Rapunzel means to her, how afraid she is of losing her, how sorry she is for everything that has happened, and the fact that she's buried all of it inside of her for years.

The problem is - Cassandra doesn't have a clue where to begin. She parts her lips to speak, not even sure of what exactly it is she means to say. "Rapunzel, I…"

The princess stares at her expectantly.

Then that familiar, deep, hollow ache within Cassandra seems to contort in her chest, reminding her of what she will never have - telling her that she is fooling herself by hoping that a girl like Rapunzel could ever feel the same way, and that everyone she has ever loved always leaves her in the end. Her birth mother, her father, Arianna, Frederic… They're all gone, yet Cassandra is still here. She always ends up alone. Abandoned. Hurting, with nobody to hear her screams.

Which is why Cassandra can't help but fear that Rapunzel will leave her too. Whether she means to do it or not. Or whether Cassandra is the one to leave her first.

It's best she doesn't let herself fall too far, or she'll only end up getting burned.

As if snapping out of a trance, she retracts her hand from Rapunzel's face. She pulls away, creating space between them once more. "I'm, uh… I'm—gonna make us a fire."

Avoiding Rapunzel's gaze, she rises to her feet and makes for the door.