Thank you for beta'ing, MsSchneeheide!
"So, tamales at Christmas...yay or nay? I personally vote hell yeah!" Flaca does a fist pump.
"Samesies!" Maritza says happily.
"Whoo-hoo!" Daya, Taystee, and Poussey exclaim together.
On their way to Benny's Burritos in Manhattan later that day, the teens pass a wall with you go girl! written on it in black graffiti. They cheer and exchange high-fives. Ouija approaches them. "Hey, la Jefferson, you done with that cult yet?"
"'Course I am, now fuck off, it ain't your business," Taystee grumbles and with her hands on the back of her head, Ouija walks away. The other teens stifle giggles.
Taystee hands a copy of Alice in Wonderland to Poussey. The shorter dark-skinned girl grins and hugs her best friend. "Thanks, sista, but what's this for?"
"It's an apology present."
"I appreciate it."
"What happened between you two?" Daya wants to know.
"Vee," they inform her in unison. "First of all, she thought I was into Taystee as more than a friend...started tellin' me she used to love this dude named Haro Jones and his arms, she wanted to lick the length of them...she walked into the park and found his hand up Jamela Larkin's skirt, and it broke her heart," Poussey begins and then rolls her eyes. "I didn't give a shit, of course, but the point of Vee spewing that story was to say that Taystee would never love me back." She shrugs and turns to Taystee. "I'm aware I don't have a chance in the fucking world with you...I was just looking out for you as a friend. Besides, I got a honey now."
"I know, P." Taystee pats her back comfortingly.
"No offense, but I'm so glad she croaked. She was watching me closely as I walked away with a furrowed brow. Later, she accused me of being angry that she stole my crush away, but I just threatened her life if she got Taystee in trouble. Of course, the sleazy bitch didn't take me seriously." Poussey scoffs. "She just pretended to love lost children and made them deal drugs and do other crap for her, but then kicked 'em out of her life if they were no longer being her loyal followers. She didn't like snitches, of course, so people were afraid to rat her out."
"Yeah, she had me, Janae, Cindy, and Suzanne sneaking heroin into tampons for girls and packets of tissues for boys at school. We put them into students' lockers if they told us the combinations! Aleida totally fell for her act, but Gloria had none of it!"
"I'm not surprised!" Daya comments.
"We were also washing dishes, scrubbing toilets, and cleaning floors for some drug front and I didn't have a clue of what she was doin'. No point in cleaning the floors if people are just gonna continue walking on it all day. She never wanted to talk about my foster brother RJ because she fuckin' tried to kill him and actually thought she did! I was defending Vee until I didn't believe her anymore...I knew she only wanted to boss me around and I wasn't gonna fall for that. She demanded I pull open a box of cleanser cans and poured the contents into my hands. It was tobacco, I smelled it and loved it...later, at the library, I was all like this." Taystee comes up behind Poussey and tickles the back of her neck while putting her hand over her eyes.
"I reluctantly closed my eyes," Poussey explains further as they separate. "She told me to open my lips, I slowly moved in, thinking she'd kiss me, but it was just a dumb white cigarette she was placing in my mouth."
"Ugh!" Flaca, Maritza, and Daya comment in unison. "Girl, what the fuck?!" Flaca exclaims.
"I'm also sorry for that," Taystee murmurs.
"'S okay." Poussey grins. "I'm just relieved that old Erykah Badu is outta the picture!"
"Vee doesn't eat breakfast, now just that fact alone, is scary," Maritza comments as a shiver runs up and down her spine. "Gloria said Vee was a scorpion and she used to think Red was too, but nah...she was just right about Vee, apparently! I didn't know Cindy and Janae were taken by her, too. They seem way less crazy than Suzanne."
"They just joined Vee's drug cartel she was running. Cindy liked Caputo's mustache, so there was something wrong with her...he's like a father to me! No one wants some fool calling their daddy hot!" Taystee wrinkles her nose and the others laugh in unison. "Vee was weirdly attracted to your ex, Daya."
"Bennett? Eeew."
"I know!" Poussey exclaims. "Then she got poor, misguided Suzanne helping her as the muscle, because she was already the brains of her twisted operation. We were dumping buckets of dirty water into sinks while Suzanne talked to a mop."
"Yeah, Vee pretended she was Suzanne's therapist and trained her to act normal around her family. Her parents and Grace, her sister, are still trying to help her finally realize Vee is dead." Taystee frowns. "I told Miss Claudette everything about what that ho did. Vee also had some of the worst cronies...Greg Hellman pretended not to hear me once and punched me in the stomach. He called me a fat-ass and hit me with a baton...fucker said I went after him! Dixon's such a misogynist, he said his sister's house smells like hairspray and soup. While that asshole was munching on a hot dog he got from Nathan's, he stepped on my watch 'cause I called him a jigaboo, only because he called me one. Also, as a soldier in Iraq, he preyed on children when he was bored and mad...raped and strangled a girl and forced a boy to juggle live grenades."
"What a scary piece of shit! The hell is wrong with him?" Daya asks rhetorically and Maritza trembles inside as she swallows hard. "Or the rest of 'em?"
"Humps got too close to people's faces, he and Dixon wanted some prostitute named Lolita and one of their former co-workers, Artesian, to give 'em a show. They used to be teachers at Martin Van Buren, but they got fired for always being drunk on the job and constantly calling Mexicans tacos and black folks the N word and mud people. Humps wouldn't let Ouija go to the bathroom either, she nearly pissed herself, and this chick was sleeping in class and Humps pulled the chair out from under her...that happened to Sankey as well, but this time, nobody was laughing. Dixon was all like, 'I can dance like the ghetto niggers!' Just because he's from Memphis don't mean he know our culture and how we dance and the fact that he was watching us be hella creepy!" Taystee continues.
Poussey nods. "Got that right, sister!"
"Piscatella's a human refrigerator, large and cold on the inside. That bastard used to work at Martin Van Buren...he made us run 'til we threw up and hit us with dodgeballs if we didn't pay attention! He's one of Vee's people, too."
Maritza nods at Taystee in understanding. "Mami was attacked by him once...luckily he was arrested!"
"Shit, is she all right?" Poussey asks.
"Mm-hm. I just hope General Washington can kill him or somethin'...he was a major in the army, you said once."
"That'd be good..."
Humps also planned to use horse tranquilizers on some of the girls, including Maritza, if they didn't comply with his orders, and demanded her to make him and the other creeps Jäger and buy them Coors. He harassed Maritza and then got angry the first time she dared to sass him. She remembers Hellman whipping out his baton and licking his upper lip. Maritza, Nicky, Shani, Brook, and Michelle would share nervous glances and then steer themselves whenever he came their way.
"Babe, are you okay? You look totally spooked!" Flaca says, interrupting Maritza's thoughts.
"Yeah, I'm fine," Maritza lies. "So, I guess Vee was the lesser evil?"
"Nah, she was a cunt in other ways...I had this sick fuck foster dad before her and I felt like I owed her for saving me...it took me a few years, but I figured she was just being manipulative," Taystee lets her know. "I was ashamed I didn't know at first...even at the age of eleven, I was the leader in my group homes, helped with the younger ones, like I broke up fights between littler kids and helped the parents cook and shit."
"Even hella mature, responsible people can have their dumb moments," Flaca points out. "It happens, chica. It's more Vee's fault for tricking you, though."
"You didn't know what a good mom was 'til you met Miss Claudette," Poussey adds. "She even got you a new watch!"
"I know! P, you were so lucky that you could see through Vee with the 'Taystee owes me' bullshit because you was the only one with a good childhood and positive role models for parents and you ain't mentally ill, Cindy has a good mom but didn't respect her, she and Janae had bad fathers, Janae's mom seems like a pushover, she doesn't stand up for Janae when her dad hits her, and Suzanne has good parents but she's mentally ill, and I had bad foster parents all my life. Good thing you went to Claudette about this since it had gone on for way too long!"
"Mm-hm, and Gloria overheard, right?" Poussey wants to know.
"Yep!" Taystee responds, digging a red lollipop out of her pocket. She unwraps it and sucks on the treat a few times. "Gloria told me that some people who've been abused all their life don't even know it, it took her a long time to realize what a good guy really was...since she never had one, until Fahri! I started not trusting Vee when you got beat up and Suzanne went to Safe Place to keep an eye on you! She kept manipulating me, like 'I didn't do anything to Poussey, Suzanne did that, she was unhinged!' and 'Poussey should've known not to piss me off!' and 'remember when I took you in when you had nobody else except your fucked up foster father?' and continued doing nice things for me. I was manipulated into thinking just sneak around and hang with you and work with Vee and don't do anything to upset her. I was hella wrong on that one!"
"Yeah!" the others agree.
"Luckily, Cindy and Janae eventually saw through her," Taystee continues. "They wanted to be rich too, but despite her money she'd have if she married Fahri, wealth ain't everything and we all need family connections and something real! I was caught in the middle of wanting wealth, but helping my friends bring Gloria and Fahri together! Suzanne preferred to protect Vee, so one day, she yelled at Gloria to stay away from Vee's man, even though Gloria wasn't even goin' after him! That bad seed Vee had already yelled at me about defending Poussey over her, mind you. She kicked me out of the family because P here trashed the greenhouse and exposed all the cigarettes. I desperately wanted a fam and was willing to give Vee yet another chance."
"That cunt went into hiding, of course, and told Taystee she's being suspected of having drugs again so they have to move, so that's how she gets away with it unfortunately, but justice was served when she got run over eventually!" Poussey laughs and the rest join in. "She was like an antagonist who works more behind the scenes...I actually think she and Glo's ex Arturo were a villain couple! Like, they both hurt people they're supposed to love and they're manipulative."
"May they roast in Hell for all eternity!" Flaca declares.
"Hear, hear!" Maritza agrees and the girls raise imaginary glasses.
"Ay dios mío, I'm totally not ready for this! I can't find a good dress and my hair...and makeup!" Theresa freaks out. It's her first time going out with Yuri alone as his girlfriend and she clearly wants to make an excellent impression.
"Mami, you have an hour! You got plenty of time!" Flaca insists. "Chill, it'll be fine, he's a great guy! I know you're nervous, but take a few deep breaths and try to relax!"
"We'll help you, Theresa!" Maritza announces as she and Flaca steps into the taller girl's mother's bedroom. "I know all about dating new people." They both sift through Theresa's closet and Flaca pulls out a fancy purple dress. "This is pretty!
Theresa blushes. "Oh, no...I haven't worn it in years. It may not even fit."
"Oh, yes! Don't knock it til ya try it." Flaca shoots her mom a pleading look.
A few minutes later, Theresa comes out of the bathroom in the gown. Maritza gasps and smiles while Flaca claps. "Wow, we done good, you look fantastic!"
Theresa grins and spins around. "Gracias, mija. Really, you think he'll like it?"
Maritza nods seriously. "I do."
Flaca squeals. "Eeee, yes! Pero...¡creo que le gustarías en una bolsa de papel si es un hombre de verdad que realmente piensa que eres atractiva!"
I think he'd like you in a paper bag if he's a real man who really thinks you're attractive!"
Theresa hugs her daughter and Maritza. "You, my dears, are fashion geniuses!"
They laugh together and return the gesture. "That's what they tell us!" Flaca chirps. "Gracias."
"Sí, now give us the dinero," Maritza teases, holding out her palm and wiggling her fingers. Theresa lifts her brow. "Joking!" She points to the vanity. "We gonna give you a makeover now!"
Maritza then does Theresa's makeup for her and Flaca fixes her hair into a fancy updo with tendrils framing her face. "I've always wanted to do this." The girls exchange a smile. "Seriously, I think we need to own a beauty salon when we grow up! We do this for our friends all the time!"
"Sí, that would be neat!" Maritza concurs.
"Oh, well you're really good at it! You should go for it. Cosmetology school."
"Yeah! Anyway, you're finished! Now for the prom walk!" Flaca grins so hard her cheeks ache.
"The...prom walk?"
"Yeah, when the girl walks slowly down the stairs to meet the dude picking her up at the foyer. Flaca will get the door when the bell rings and that's your cue!" Maritza explains.
"Oh, right! I would love to!"
He's decided to knock and then there's a chime. Maritza sees Flaca rush down the steps and open the door to Yuri holding pink roses. "He's here!" Maritza whispers. "Go, Theresa!"
She does, and Yuri stares up at her with love in his eyes.
"Have fun, Mami and Yuri!" Flaca runs back to Maritza and then they go into her bedroom, laughing quietly under their breaths.
"The Atlantic and Pacific oceans are a pair of twins surrounding the United States," Flaca comments randomly as she slides the Sleepover DVD into the player later that evening. Peach-flavored wine dribbles down her chin as she takes another swig from the bottle sitting on the coffee table. She'd gotten it from her mom's liquor cabinet and shared it with Maritza, Daya, Taystee, and Elena. They're all feeling a little buzzed, and she giggles loudly.
"Good point. Yo, but you just wasted some expensive wine!" Maritza exclaims.
"Dude, your mom is soooo gonna find out!"
"No, she won't, Elena…because I'mma buy her more and replace it before she gets back home. She's away with Yuri for the week and doesn't get back til next Sunday. I'm pretty slick."
"Yeah, you are, you sneaky bitch," Daya teases her. "Really, though, I love feeling so relaxed without being a junkie or an alcoholic!"
"Too bad Ceci, Katie, Poussey, and Franzi are missing out!" Taystee says. They're on another double date.
"Mm-hm, but they're having their own fun!" Elena murmurs. She laughs at something on her phone and then texts a response. "Sergio's hilarious! He just said one time, Yoga Jones got so high on molly with Luschek and the former chef Judy King, that she called herself a sham!"
"Oh, wow!" Maritza cackles and the others join in. "So, hey, is it true about the lady who used to do morning announcements when she was our age? That she got fired for freaking out over a rat?"
"Yeah, and Cathy was disgusting too, with her toe fungus, so who was she to feel grossed out by such a nasty vermin?" Flaca scoffs and shakes her head.
"I heard my mami stomped on a rat when someone let 'em loose in her high school cooking class," Maritza says lightly. "Gloria totally freaked out, which is understandable, but I wish I coulda seen all of their reactions!"
"Me too, girl! I just felt bad all the bleu cheese was ruined and tossed," Elena comments.
Maritza nods. "Mm-hm."
"I have an even funnier story to share about the celebrity chef Judy King!" Taystee announces. "You see, Mr. Caputo hired her last year to teach a cooking class, thinking maybe it would motivate the students to go to school more if we got to see a famous person. Betty Cracker, as Cindy calls her, was trying to boost her reputation by saying she's teaching underprivileged kids and so says yes to his offer. Me and Poussey saw him interviewing her and P fainted when she saw her. When we talked about it with Katie at her house, Alex said she wished Cate Blanchett could've come to the school when she used to go there."
"Neat! Can Holly Marie Combs be next? Or Alyssa Milano? How about Lauren German, Salma Hayek, Catherine Zeta-Jones…" Flaca trails off with a dreamy smile.
"Easy, girl!" Taystee grins, and the others giggle along with Flaca. "That would be cool, though."
"Hey, they're much better looking than that dried up ancient bitch," Elena mutters.
"Mm-hm," Maritza agrees with a smirk. "I don't even know her, but she seems uppity."
"Holy fuck, she totally was. Aaaaanyway, Poussey didn't know that, clearly; she was fangirling her fool head off about Judy, and Brook Soso, her stupid ex, thought it was because she's a poor African American girl, she assumed Poussey's mom was a crack addict when really, Lila has a masters in Art History! Judy was learning Italian, wanted to go to Florence for big dicks, and she was a hippie once, which is what she and Brook had in common. At least Brook apologized after Poussey lectured her, but I saw so many red flags in that friendship…for one, Brook was hella old for her…I don't give a shit if P lied about her age and Brook was a prostitute she paid! Luckily, they didn't last long and Poussey has pretty much forgotten about her," Taystee goes on.
"Oh, good," Maritza says, keeping her face stoic even though her former co-worker having a racist side comes as a shock to her. "Sounds toxic."
"She was," Taystee grumbles. "So, Judy King made Filipino style cornbread with Poussey's help; she got it from a coconut farmer in Manila's recipe. Poussey was called the teacher's pet in her class, the theme was use what you've got. 'Ol JK ended up thinking she was too good to work at a school! Especially 'cause she's a bigot with that Watermelon Sam thing she did in the eighties like a fuckin' moron…basically calling all black folks thieves. She thought she was above everyone at the school, so quit. Thing is, Judy kissed Cindy for a picture so they could get money, so she wasn't really out of the building yet! She was such a bitch that a bunch of folks, including me, tried to buy her for slavery or whatever in some crazy auction last year, without using moolah," Taystee continues. "Five ramen noodle packets from Yoga Jones, ten cans of tuna from Anita, fifteen double A batteries from Cindy for radios and vibrators, one boom box from me, and also from Cindy, an autographed copy of Rich Dad Poor Dad, a Debbie Gibson Electric Youth cassette tape, potato chips, Lisa Frank rainbow unicorn stickers, and a calendar full of babies! Someone offered their makeup bag too, and Jennifer, one of the dumbass white supremacists, put up her lightly used Invisalign braces which she uses for her left pointy tooth. Janae called her Gappy and she benches a hundred and forty, but that's besides the point!"
Maritza's jaw drops in shock. "Dios mío. That's insane."
Flaca and Daya nod together while chuckling. "It's totally true!"
"Who won?" Elena asks.
"Cindy, of course!" Taystee responds. "Kasey Sankey wanted turf, but whites have everything…Brandy was good at auctioneering since she's a white Nazi bitch…she has a tattoo that says Einfühlung…Poussey told me it's German for 'into feeling', and it's like, well that doesn't describe her at all and it was cursive, too…give me a break!"
"Oh!" Maritza purses her lips. "Ouija mentioned those terrible cunts a few times in gym class…apparently, Brandy did a backflip off the bridge and had an ex named Brent Moxley. She got another teardrop tattoo 'cause she killed like, three people, lousy nobodies, really…Sankey, some rapist named George-not Pornstache, some other sicko, and Brandy…she pushed that evil whore off a bridge to her death, yelling like, 'Do another backflip, bitch!' Brandy and Sankey totally deserved it, Sankey's last words were calling Ouija a dirt taco, Pidge stuck up for her, and that was that. Sankey was just a mean bully, Brandy, too, poisoning blacks' and Jews with antifreeze in their coffee orders…and you remember that they were part of verbally harassing my mom at Friendly's and making her cry in the backroom! They bullied my girl Flaca too!"
"So glad they're gone," Flaca mutters.
"Whoa, Ouija's pretty awesome. She's supposedly Gloria's second cousin three times removed or somethin' like that," Daya chimes in. "She's got a badass scar on her thigh from her karate trophy that one of her mentally ill cousins stabbed her with! She and Zirconia kiss up to Mr. Caputo, but whatevs."
"Sí, when we first met, she called me Cleopatra and said we're both crying in black, except that her teardrop tattoos are for more serious reasons," Flaca adds. "She guesses things right such as Mei Chang is a one-hundred-and-eight pound pharmacist, she escaped prison once in China and never got caught again. Ouija also said Chang's involved in organized crime, which takes place out of her family's traditional Chinese medicine store, which also deals illegal animal parts on the side. Then there was this woman from Omaha Nebraska who Ouija called White Cindy, she's forty-six years old, one hundred and thirty pounds, and got nine years in prison for media piracy. Anyway, Ouija and Zirconia were following Piper and Stephanie, trying to see the weird connection between them," Flaca goes on. "Turns out Piper was a camp counselor sleeping in a bunk above Stephanie, and she was super annoyed because Stephanie kept pushing Piper's top bunk up with her legs as a workout. She used to be a teacher's pet, and she thinks she'll get Piper's respect back by attacking Ouija since Piper called Ouija, Pidge, and Zirconia dangerous thugs. A teacher ain't supposed to insult students like that, and Stephanie's being a blind, dumb follower! Ouija and Pidge made a fort out of blankets and pillows and two chairs to drape the blankets around and put bubble baths in the fountains at school one time, which was hella cool…that don't sound like gangbangers to me!"
"Hope Stephanie comes to her senses soon!" Elena says.
"Same," the rest of the girls murmur in unison.
"Oh my god, I forgot to mention it, but last night, I had this horrible nightmare that me and Taystee were in prison for life on murder charges, and Red and Maria were in for ten years!" Daya tells the girls. "I don't even know why. I was also beaten up so bad by the guards, especially this asshole Greg Hellman…they gave me a broken rib, punched the right side of my forehead, and kicked me in the stomach…Mr. Young put me in a cage…I was grimacing and in a lot of pain. Also, Gloria, Blanca, and Nicky were accused of starting a riot. This woman Elizabeth Nguyen wanted to torture us all into confession with her colleague's bad smelling breakfast. When I said I was dreaming, I woke up and felt better."
"Gracias a Dios that didn't really happen!" Flaca exclaims. "Mr. Young doesn't treat anyone like an animal."
"Yeah, Jesus Christ!" Taystee adds, shaking her head with a frown. "I ain't no murderer, neither are you, Daya, or Red…but Maria could be, we don't know."
"Scary!" Maritza chimes in.
Elena scoffs and pats Maritza's hand. "Like my mom and yours would ever start a riot!"
"Mm-hm," Maritza agrees strongly.
"Well, to catch Latinos and African Americans, it's the butt, whites, tits and ass, and Asians, schoolgirl outfits!" Maritza tells the camera as Flaca aims it at her. They're vlogging at Starbucks while waiting for their coffees the following morning.
The taller girl then holds it in front of them. "Also, it's hella important to have real good hygiene, like for me, I apply cream under my eyes to prevent crow's feet, or at least make it less obvious, and I floss my teeth, so nothin' gets stuck between 'em!"
"It's working! You have such a cute smile!" Maritza compliments her.
"Aw, thanks, babe! You do, too!" They share a short but sweet peck on the lips before turning back to the camera. "Anyway, for those with lazy eyes, cover the bad eye with long, stylish bangs so you look mysterious."
"Hair is super important! Get sexy side bangs if your forehead is too big and go to Sophia's salon, Vanity Hair. She'll fix it right up for ya!"
"My mom says I was born to be a fashion designer, because I would always draw these pretty dresses that I wanted my dolls to wear," Flaca says.
"Same here!" Maritza squeals. "So trust what we tell y'all!"
"Yo, one time, by the way, I liked somebody named Eric Richard…Eric Dick." Flaca snickers. "He told me he couldn't go out with me since he was still sad over his ex, but then I saw him mackin' on some Asian girl after football practice." She scoffs. "Fucking liar…but whatever, I got my Mari!"
Maritza giggles and cheers. "It's fun making videos and getting money giving makeovers!"
"Yes, and we have so much more in common, we love concerts and Hot Topic!" Flaca chimes in. "Our friend Cat comes over to my house a lot, she says we make a cute couple, everyone does, in fact!" She turns to Maritza. "What are your favorite songs in cheerleading?"
"We love dancing to 'Eye of the Tiger' and 'Bounce' by Sarah Connor!" Maritza responds, her tone filled with pep.
"Yay, same here!"
"Hey, mind if I join?" Lorna asks. "You girls remind me of a younger me…I love giving fashion and beauty tips, too! One time, I had a nightmare that I wasn't wearing makeup and my curls were nonexistent…"
Flaca gasps dramatically. "Oh, the horror!"
"Here's our guest, Nurse Morello!" Maritza points the camera at the short woman.
She grins and waves amiably. "I'm Lorna, and I just wanna say to use a color pencil for eyeliner that looks pretty with your eyes, but stay away from red, orange, or yellow."
"Yeah, like I use black eyeliner pencil and pink mascara. I showed Ms. McCullough how to do her eye makeup when she came by to pick up Mami for the teachers' night this past Friday!" Maritza chimes in.
"Neat! Anyway, I have an idea for those of you who wanna look cute by the pool, but wanna hide any fat or in my case, a gallbladder scar! Just wear a summer dress or one-piece that shows off your best assets. I sunburn easily, so I need to wear sunscreen all the time. I suggest you do that, too. Also, white food makes you gain weight…I saw this in a magazine, trust me! I didn't even eat my Eucharist and I'm Catholic! Just don't become bulimic like I did, because that is an awful eating disorder!"
"Yep! Also, if you got long and flowy hair like mine, Maritza's, and Alana's, just compliment each other like we did, don't get blowouts, they come out real bad!" Flaca recommends.
"Who tried that? I was scared to back then!" Lorna exclaims.
"Stephanie, and she threatened to give me a mean Indian burn when I teased her about it," Flaca mutters.
"Puta," Maritza mouths off-camera, and they all laugh. "I gotta give her some credit, though, she has great hair, many Hawaiians do. She plays with hers a lot while reading How to Stop Worrying and Start Living by Dale Carnegie…it's good shit. So, I guess this is over and out!"
"Bye!" they all shout at the same time and then Flaca ends the video.
Thanks for reading and reviewing, Juliette45 and MsSchneeheide!