Chapter 3

"He's out like a light."

"It's hard working caring an entire team to victory," he jokes.

She laughs, sinking onto her couch beside him. They had gone out for ice cream after the game and somehow the afternoon had slipped into early evening and they found themselves enjoying dollar pizza slices and kicking Noah's soccer ball around in the park.

While she did her best to keep up with them, she was clearly no match for Rafael who ran right alongside Noah in the park all afternoon.

"Thank you for today," she says softly. "For...showing up for him, Rafa." There's enough space between them, but she still feels something stirring between them. There's a light dusting of his five o'clock shadow along his jaw and it changes his face completely.

"...I know what it's like, hoping, and praying and waiting. I would never do that to Noah."

Resting her head against the back of the couch, she understands all that he's not saying. He's shared very little about his own family and she knows it's not a lack of wanting to; it's too painful.

His arm is resting over the top of the couch and she reaches out to touch his forearm in comfort. His skin is soft, the corse hairs on his forearm an enticing sensation against the pads of her fingers.

His gaze watches her fingers sweep along his arm and he catches her hand in his before she can pull away. "...tell me you feel this too, Liv. That I'm not imagining this."

She slowly laces her fingers with his, acutely aware of the way his skin feels next to hers, the way he's exploring the feel of her too.

"You're not imagining it."

When she doesn't continue, his gaze searches hers. "But?"

Slipping her hand out of his, she runs her fingers through her hair in an attempt to focus. "...there's a million reasons why we shouldn't."

"Give me one," he barters. "Noah."

Judging by the look on his face he wasn't expecting her to say that. Sure, it would be easy to use the job, citing a conflict of interest but they both knew that they had been flirting with that line for months now.

"He doesn't remember much of Ed, other than the photos and Brian was inconsistent...and with everything going on with Sheila I just...I want to protect him, Rafa."

"I get it. Believe me, I get it," he reassures. "The situation with Sheila aside, the last thing I would want is to be another person in his life that isn't present."

She wants to slide across her couch and curl into him. Let him wrap her in his arms and let the smell of his cologne quell the worry inside her. "...I don't want him to lose you."

I don't want to lose you.

"He's not going to lose me...we don't have to do anything about whatever this is between us."

It's not what she wants, and judging by the regret in his eyes, it's not what he wants either. Silence envelops them for a long moment, before he decides to rise from the couch.

"...I should get going. I've still got closing arguments to prepare for the Karr case tomorrow."

She unfurls herself from the couch, following him to the door as he collects his keys and his phone. He steps out into the hallway and she leans against the doorframe unsurely.

His gaze softens. "Liv, it's ok, I get it...I'll see you tomorrow."

...

"I don't want to go to school today."

Olivia swings her sons hand in hers as they make their way down 6th street towards his school. "You love school, Noah."

Noah drags his feet. "No I don't."

Opting not to feed into her son's sullen mood, she brings up his soccer game. "Don't you want to tell your friends about your big goal on the weekend?"

"I hate soccer."

Olivia stops, pulling Noah back as he tugs on her hand. "Noah, what's gotten into you this morning?"

"I wanted Uncle Rafa to take me to school not you."

Removing her sunglasses, she tucks them into her hair kneeling to her sons level. "Honey, Uncle Rafa can't take you to school-"

"-why not?" He interjects angrily. "He came to my soccer game and he has spaghetti with us and he plays legos with me so why can't he?"

Olivia sighs, lost for words. "Because he just can't, honey." Noah looks away from her, not liking her answer and she sighs again, rising to her feet. "We're going to be late."

They continue walking in silence and as they approach the intersection, her phone rings from her bag. The light has yet to change to signal them across, and she gestures for Noah to wait. "Hang on a second, babe." Releasing his hand, she searches for her phone, answering it. "Benson."

"Morning Liv," Fin greets. "Just calling to let you know that the Karr case has been moved up an hour."

"Ok...I'll be there as soon as I can. Are the girls ready?"

"Rollins and Carisi have been prepping them all morning. Barba swung by on his way to court to check in as well."

The mention of his name causes her stomach to flutter just a bit.

"I'm on my way." Hanging up, she brings her attention back to Noah who has already entered the crosswalk. "Noah!" She calls after him. The crossing light is on, and she hurries after him only just registering the taxi cab barrelling towards them. "NOAH!" Grabbing her son by the arm, she yanks him back and into her embrace just as the cab blares their horn and speeds past them.

Noah is crying in her arms and she quickly steps back onto the side walk out of harms way. "Are you ok?" She questions frantically. Kneeling, she pulls her son back to get a better look at him. "Noah, are you ok?" She questions again.

He nods, tears rolling down his face.

"Oh sweet boy," she sighs, bringing him back into her arms. "You're ok. You're ok," she soothes.

...

She watches from the gallery as Rafael scribbles on his notepad before crumpling the paper in his hand.

Not a good sign.

Rising from his seat, he turns to look at her. "Hasn't he suffered enough? My vote is yes, he has." Olivia attempts to hide her surprise as he holds her gaze for a split second too long.

"I mean, Jason assaulted Eveyln. Evelyn assaulted him back. That sounds fair to me. Sounds like justice at work."

Evelyn shifts beside her and she gives her some reassurance that Barba is going somewhere with this, where exactly, she's not sure.

He leans against the jury stand. "To be just, it has to be fair. I mean, that's what Ms. Rivers asserts." He gestures tot he lawyer at her desk. "You know, I can't really disagree with that. In purely pound of flesh terms, Mr. Karr gave up a hell of a lot more than he got. Fair? Not a chance." He takes a minute to gather his thoughts. "To be totally fair, you should give Jason one of Evelyn's breasts."

The jury squirms at his statement.

"An arm maybe," he continues. "That's only fair. And as we've now decided, that means it's just. Jason Karr forcibly raped Evelyn Bundy when she was little more than a child." He pushes away from the jury stand, turning to walk the courtroom. "But to tack a prison sentence on Mr. Karr's already gargantuan suffering would tip the balance of the justice in Ms. Bundy's favour," he stares pointedly at my Karr and his lawyer. "And hey, there's no way that's fair, so there's no way that's just. A man whose store burns down, rushes out, buys some gasoline, a book of matches and sets the house of the arsonist on fire."

He's making his way back to the jury and he's talking fast and has that saunter Olivia knows all to well when he's stopped pulling his punches.

"Hey, it's fair, so that means it's just!" He leans over the jury stand once more. "A man whose children have been murdered buys a gun and splatters the brains of the killers children all over the bedroom walls. It's fair! It's just! Why bother with cops and courts?" He gestures to the courtroom. "If it's fair, it has to be just! Let the blood flow in the streets, I say!" He turns to head back to his seat. "Oh wait, you don't like it?" He pauses to face the jury. "I say get a bigger pair of boots."

He returns to his seat in silence, and Olivia can see him finally exhale.

...

She finds him sitting outside the courtroom engrossed in his phone. "You had me worried there for a minute, counsellor," she comments, leaning against the wall in front of him.

Looking up, he leans back into he bench. "I had me worried for a minute too," he confesses. "It was a great closing argument."

"Even if it was completely ad-libbed and a little unhinged?"

"It was passionate," she corrects. "And exactly what the jury needed to hear."

"I guess we'll see." It's then that he notices the weariness in her eyes, the tension in her body. "You ok?"

Now is not the time to lay this on him, not when they're waiting for a jury to come back with a verdict, but if she doesn't tell someone, she may just unravel. "Noah was not himself this morning."

"Is he ok?"

"Yeah, he just wanted you to take him to school today, not me."

Rafael shifts in his seat.

"He comes to my soccer games and eats spaghetti with us and plays legos," she echos her sons words. "Why can't he take me to school?"

"Apart from how ridiculously early that is?" He jokes.

It's the levity she needs to cushion the conversation she knows is about to happen.

"He's gotten so attached to you-"

"-is that wrong?" He questions. "I want to do those things, Liv-"

"-he wants a father, Rafael."

His face pales as he falls back into the bench.

There's a lump in her throat. "I can't fill that role in his life and I can't ask you to do that-" "-then don't ask me-"

"-Rafa, please."

Rising from the bench, he comes to stand in front of her. He drops his voice so that only she can hear. "Is this even about Noah anymore?"

"What?"

"Because it feels like you're finding anything and everything to push me away."

She avoids his gaze.

"I care for Noah and I'll be whatever he needs me to be to the best of my ability, you know that."

"I know."

He searches her eyes. "So what's this really about?"

Both their phones conveniently buzz and they take a step back, reading the notification.

"Jury's back," she announces.

...

"Has the jury reached a verdict?"

"We have your honour."

Rafael rises, fastening his jacket.

"How do you find?" The judge questions.

"We find the defendant Jason Karr guilty of rape in the first degree."

There's a collective hum that emanates across the courtroom and he turns to face Olivia, who's comforting Evelyn in her arms. She nods, and he returns it as she mouths a thank you.

...

"I'm surprised you and Barba aren't out celebrating," Fin comments, leaning in the doorway of her office.

She shrugs, not looking up from her paperwork. "The wheels of justice never stop turning," she gives by way of an answer.

Fin nods. "You good? You seemed a little out of sorts when you got here this morning."

There are days when everything about this job feels so foreign and unfamiliar. She's watched Captains and detectives, ADAs and rotate through this precinct like a revolving door.

And then there's Fin.

The one that's always had her back and has learned to read her like a book the last several years.

"Close the door?"

Stepping into her office, Fin closes the door behind him perching on the arm of the chair across from her desk. "That bad, huh?"

Removing her glasses, she nods. "There's a lot." She recounts the hearing with Sheila and Noah's mood that morning to them almost getting hit by a taxi.

"Damn, Liv."

She laughs despite it all, willing the tears not come. "I can't seem to catch a break, can I?"

The self deprecation in her voice is clear. "It's just the universe's way of keeping you on your toes is all. You can handle it."

"I'm tired of handling it, Fin," she admits softly.

"Shit, I'm tired of watching you handle it, Liv, but what else are you going to do? Give up?" At

her silence, Fin continues. "You're going to let that woman take your son from you?" "Of course not," she answers firmly.

"So you're going to fold then and let some chick you don't know from Suzy down the street play grandma?"

"No, I'm not."

"Say it like you mean it then."

Her gaze connects with his. "I'm not." "That's better."

"Thanks Fin."

"Anytime."

tbc

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