Big Trouble in Nekonron, China

Chapter 2:
Her Name is Lychee
[plus, The Coming of Kirin!]

NOTE: For this adaptation, Lychee's speech will be based more on the subtitles, rather than the broken English she spoke in for the dub.

So, from where we last left off...Happosai stole several pairs of undergarments, Akane thought Ranma and Kenma were in cahoots with the old fossil so she went on the offensive, but Kenma finally gave her an exceptionally bitter taste of her own medicine, which led to a wild chase involving almost everybody that's appeared in the series up to this point. Of course, the chase was interrupted by a creature of tremendous size, that sent everyone flying in all directions, and knocked our main group back to the Tendo house.

And now, the energy has dispersed, revealing that the being which pursued Happosai was nothing more than...an elephant.

"It's so cute," commented Kasumi.

Cologne squinted. "That's no ordinary elephant," she observed. "What we believed to be his body was in truth, the aura generated by his formidable fighting spirit!"

"Whoa, you mean that elephant had a super-huge battle power?" asked Kenma. "Sheesh! Wonder how high it'd rank on the scouters?"

"Gotta wonder what kind of training it went through..." Jinn grunted as he pulled himself up.

The elephant glanced around the room, searching for a target...and that was when her eyes landed on Happosai, whose ass was lodged in the wall. Like a super-vaccuum cleaner, the elephant took a deep breath and sucked Happosai butt-first out of the wall, and right into her trunk.

Once Happosai was in her grasp, the elephant flung him upside down, and then slammed him on his head!

KA-BONNNNG!
[like the sound made by Hanna-Barbera character El Kabong]

And then, the elephant stood up like a wrestler in the ring, and did a flying belly-flop right onto the old geezer's back!

C-C-CRUNCH!

"Attaboy, Jumbo!" Kenma whooped. "That'll learn him! Give 'im the ol' body-slam! Flatten 'im like a pancake! Squish 'im like a bug!"

"Yeah!" chimed in Ranma. "Kill 'im, slay 'im, knock 'im dead!"

Happosai fell to the ground, eyes full of dizzy spirals, but before the elephant could continue its one-pachyderm assault, there was a high-pitched whistling noise heard. The elephant raced over to the tree, and lifted her trunk up, thus allowing that same redheaded girl from earlier to step down onto the trunk and be settled down next to her.

"Awww...it's over already?" asked Ranma. "Well, it was a fun ride while it lasted. Besides, we'll do worse than that when we get the chance."

"And you can take that to the bank!" Kenma agreed with a firm nod.

The red-head—aw, screw it, her name is Lychee—Lychee reached out and petted her elephant gently. "Good girl, Jasmine. Very nice performance." she complimented before turning to face the downed old geezer.

"I've been looking all over the globe for you, Happosai," she spat. "And now that I've got you right where I want you...I'M GOING TO MAKE YOU PAY FOR WHAT YOU'VE DONE TO ME!"

Furiously, she picked something up and threw it at his skull. It bounced off his thick head, and landed in Nabiki's hands. The short-haired Tendo brunette glanced down at the object, noticing that it resembled a scroll.

"...sorry, what's this thing?" she asked. "Kinda looks like a scroll."

"Not just ANY scroll!" Lychee exclaimed as she pointed fiercely. "A Scroll of Luck that's been handed down for generations! And because of YOU, Happosai...MY LIFE IS RUINED!"

Suddenly, a crackle of lightning danced through the skies...which suddenly grew dark. And from above, a tremendous flying frigate emerged from the clouds!

[Insert track: Dragon Ball BGM - The Terror of Piccolo Daimao (M501)]

Immediately, everyone raced outside to get a good look, leaving Lychee by herself...much to her annoyance. "DO YOU MIND?! I'M RANTING HERE!" she shouted. But even she shut up at the sight of seeing who was at the bow of the ship.

It was a tall, green-haired man holding a pair of chopsticks in one hand, and in the other, a bowl of something.

"Who th' hell are YOU?!" asked Ranma.

The man smirked to himself. "Behold, the master of the unbeatable martial-arts school: 7 Lucky Gods Martial-Arts," he declared. "His name...is Kirin!"

"...okay, so where is he?" asked Kenma. "Are you like the messenger he sent to notify us beforehand? Where's Kirin? Is there like a specific time he's gonna show up?"

"Kirin is I! He is me!" Kirin shouted.

"Really?" asked Ranma. "That was kind of unclear, TBH!"

"Oh...perhaps Kirin should address himself in the first person instead," Kirin replied.

"Yeah, that'd be less confusing!" Kenma called.

"Very well, then!" Kirin declared.

"OK, so why are you here?" inquired Ranma.

"MY PRINCE!" Lychee exclaimed as she ran over to the others.

"I've been searching for the one holding the second half of the lucky scroll," Kirin declared. "And she who holds the scroll will be the one chosen by the 7 Lucky Gods to become my bride!"

"That'd be me, Kirin! I'm the fated one!" Lychee declared.

"Who are you?" Kirin asked, dissmissive. "Kirin has...er, I mean, I have no use for you! I don't see any scroll in your hands!"

And suddenly, Lychee felt stupid. Very, very stupid. We're talking Genma Saotome levels of fucking stupid. She had the scroll...five minutes ago. And like a fucking idiot, she had thrown it away in a fit of anger. She'd shot herself in the proverbial foot.

Of course, Nabiki had the scroll now. And that meant...

"YOU! You're the one with the scroll!" exclaimed Kirin. "Ebiten!"

A diminutive man with a tiny mustache stepped forth, bringing out a fishing rod. "Use a shrimp to make a royal catch!" he exclaimed as he shot out his fishing line, which wrapped around Nabiki's arm...and yanked her up into the sky!

"NO!" Kenma exclaimed.

Kirin severed the line and Nabiki dropped into his outstretched hands. "Talk about your catch of the day." he smirked.

"Alright, the gloves are off!" Kenma declared as he leapfrogged off of Ryoga's head and shot into the air. "FLYING NIMBUS, TO ME!" he shouted. And just as his gravity started to kick in, the cloud sped over and caught him in mid-air. "OK, now go up to the ship!"

With a "nod", the cloud immediately soared upwards, allowing Kenma to leap off and launch into a spin-kick...which was immediately blocked by Kirin's chopsticks.

"...eh? No way!" exclaimed Kenma.

"A simple matter to block your attack," Kirin responded. "To presume you may board the ship of Kirin uninvited, you shall learn the consequences. Feel the aerial strike of the Hundred Pinching Chopsticks!"

He put his hand out, spun his chopsticks, and suddenly began firing wave after wave of projectiles at Kenma, tearing at his clothes, then knocking him out of the air and sending him plummeting to the ground.

"KENMA!" Nabiki exclaimed. She reached into her pocket and pulled out her gun. "You stinkin' piece of—" she growled as she fired a couple of bullets at Kirin. But to her sudden shock, Kirin snatched the bullets out of the air, and dropped them onto the deck, where they clattered like a couple of coins.

"Kirin sees—I mean, I see that you have dropped something," he commented.

Nabiki glanced at her pistol, before pocketing it. So much for "martial artists won't be able to get up after a shot to the head". Still, she didn't want to chuck it; it might be handy against somebody who wasn't as skilled.

Meanwhile, Kenma was still falling to the ground. He'd shut his eyes to that he wouldn't have to see himself making impact...but suddenly, he felt someone carrying him!

Opening his eyes, he glanced around to see that he was in Ranma's arms, and they were both aboard the Flying Nimbus.

"...whoa," Kenma blinked, rubbing his eyes. "Nice catch, man. Thanks."

"Hey, it's what brothers do," responded Ranma. "But sorry you couldn't stop Nabiki from being captured."

"At last, both pieces of the Lucky Scrolls are united," Kirin beamed as he draped an arm around Nabiki. "And on this note, Kirin—I mean, I, bid you farewell!"

The cloud floated back to the ground as they angrily watched the formidable frigate taking off into the heavens.

"This isn't over, Ken," Ranma told his brother, placing a gentle hand upon his shoulder. "That, I can promise you."

Just then, they were jostled out of their thoughts by a very angry Ryoga, who grabbed them by their lapels.

"RANMA! KENMA! HOW DARE YOU USE ME LIKE A STEPSTOOL?!" he screamed.

"You're right, that was thoughtless of us," Kenma replied dryly. "We should've remembered that's Akane's job."

Ryoga's face flushed bright-red before he returned to glaring. "...WHAT'D YOU SAY?!" he bellowed.

"You heard what my bro said," Ranma snapped, before he smacked Ryoga's hands off both himself and Kenma's lapels. "Now don't crowd me, dork; or else I might hafta use you as my doormat."

Soun was, meanwhile, kneeling on the ground in total grief. "NA-BIIIIKIIIIIII!" he wailed, as waterfalls shot from his eyes.

Kasumi went over and patted her bawling father on his shoulder. "Oh, please don't cry, Father," she urged. "I'm certain Ranma and Kenma have something in mind to help save her."

At the mention of the boys' names, Soun's tears immediately evaporated like water in the desert, and he shot over to Kenma in full angry-parent mode.

"KENMA!" he bellowed, shifting into full-on demon head rage. "WHY DID YOU LET THAT FIEND TAKE OFF WITH NABIKI?! DON'T YOU EVEN CARE ABOUT HER WELL-BEING?!"

"NOW, JUST A DAD-BLAMED MINUTE!" Kenma shouted [going full Mel Blanc, might I add], jabbing a finger right in Soun's face. "In case you forgot, Mr. Tendo, I did not 'let' anything happen. Nabiki was kidnapped, and I did try to stop it! BUT, let me remind you, I was overpowered and beaten soundly! I want to save Nabiki as much as anybody, but blaming me isn't going to get her back!"

"And just how do you know you didn't let her get captured so you could have the Chinese girl all to yourself?" inquired Genma.

"HOW ABOUT TOO-TOO STUPID LAZY PANDA-MAN SHUT MOUTH BEFORE SHAMPOO SHUT IT FOR HIM PERMANENTLY?!" yelled the chinese girl, temporarily switching back to her 'broken English' in a fit of anger.

Before Genma could say anything else [idiotic or otherwise], he was silenced with a well-thrown brick to the skull that knocked him on his face and left a particularly large lump on his head.

Ranma dusted his hands off. "There's no use in pointing fingers," he stated. "What we need is a plan."

"Plus, information," added Junichi as he cleaned his glasses. "That Kirin fellow mentioned something pertaining to an 'ultimate technique'. The girl seemed to know Kirin, and she came here looking for ONE person..."

Everyone's eyes widened, and soon all eyes were turned to face Happosai, who had since regained consciousness.

"Grandfather Happosai, I have a feeling that you may know more than you let on about that girl and the scroll she came with," said Akane as she sat down next to the shriveled old fart.

"Why, Akane, I've got no idea what you mean," Happosai responded sweetly. "And while I'd love to help..."

POW!

"DON'T YOU LIE TO ME, YOU MISBEGOTTEN GARDEN GNOME!" Akane screamed, grabbing him by the neck after bashing her fist into his skull.

"The Seven Lucky Gods are fabled warriors from a remote region in China," spoke Cologne. "A place called Nekonron...but why would they have come to Japan?"

Happosai sighed in annoyance. "With Cologne around, I really can't hide much of anything, can I?" he shrugged.

"No, you can't," responded Ranma. "So you may as well spill the beans."

"...very well, this was back when I was only 18," Happosai relented. "I was venturing through China, honing my skills in Kenpo, when I came across a strange procession. I saw a breathtaking young woman onboard, and overheard the other members of the procession talking of sacrificing her so that the secret of the scroll could be completed. They also mentioned that others only wanted this ultimate technique in order to rule the world. Of course, I decided that I wouldn't stand for this, no way! I couldn't allow a young maiden to be sacrificed so as to appease somebody's whims!"

"Incredible!" commented Genma.

"So these Lucky-Gods martial artists aren't legendary warriors, but a secret organization plotting world conquest?!" asked Soun.

"Yes," Happosai nodded. "So, I had to steal the scroll in order to preserve peace in this world. I ventured into their fortress and took the scroll, but in my escape I was wounded. I somehow managed to get myself ashore, but afterwards my strength gave out. I thought it was the end for me, but then I was found by a young girl and her little elephant. I gave her the scroll piece and told her to keep it safe for the sake of world peace. She was such a nice, obedient young girl...and now she's become a twisted wretch! How time changes us all..."

It was only then that he noticed that nobody was paying attention. "HEY, I'M TALKING HERE!" he yelled.

"I heard you perfectly clearly, Happosai," Kasumi informed him.

"Attagirl, Kasumi! So dutiful and attentive, too!" the old man beamed.

"What I'm getting from this is that it's your fault Nabiki was taken," Kasumi responded, never once letting her smile leave her face. The little geezer plotzed because of that.

"So these creeps intend to sacrifice Nabiki?" Kenma asked, punching his fist into his hand. "Not on my watch. I've gotta get to Nekonron, in that case!"

"I'm going with you," said Ranma as he put his hand on his brother's shoulder. "Somebody's gotta make sure you don't go into combat by yourself."

"I'm coming too!" Shampoo declared. "After all, nobody takes OUR girl away!"

"I suppose that's fair," Cologne responded. "Ling-Ling and Lung-Lung will be so pleased to see you again after so long."

"If you're going, then so are we," Junichi declared.

"Damn right!" Ryno chimed in.

"I'm not sitting outta this one," Ukyo told Ranma. "I'm coming along as well!"

"And if Shampoo is going, then so am I," Mousse finished.

"Now THIS is true companionship!" Soun exclaimed joyfully. "Thank you, Ranma! Thank you, Kenma! Thank you, everyone! Oh, Nabiki is so blessed to have friends like these!"

Ranma and Kenma glanced at each other. Did he just...THANK us? they both thought at the same time.

Happosai and Panda-Genma sat off to the side, completely silent, before Soun slid up behind them.

"EITHER YOU'RE GOING AS WELL, OR I'LL HAVE KASUMI WITHOLD FOOD AND LAUNDRY SERVICES FROM THE BOTH OF YOU FOR A MONTH!" he roared, scaring the crap out of them.

"OK, okay, we'll go already!" Happosai screamed. "Just keep awaaaay!"

I'll go, I'll go! Just chill out! read Genma's signpost.

"Then it's settled!" Ranma declared.

"To Nekonron we go..." began Kenma.

"...to face off with..." continued Ranma.

"...THE SEVEN LUCKY GODS MARTIAL ARTISTS!" both brothers declared, striking a dynamic pose together with their friends.

"TEYANDEE!" Kenma called out.

"So, how are you going to get there?" inquired Kasumi.

Kenma gave one of those closed-mouth anime laughs. "We've got that covered," he smirked, as a door opened from behind Kasumi, and in came Kuno.

"He speaks true, for I, Tatewaki Kuno, shall lend you my..." the wannabe samurai began.

"Jinn, Junichi, you guys can make us a super-boat, right?" asked Kenma, making Kuno plotz and fall on his face.

"Give us a couple of hours!" Jinn responded. "We need the time to work out a design!"

"Plenty of time to pack food, AND figure out how to handle the weight of an elephant," Kenma nodded. "Good men. Now, let's get to it."

"I'll be coming too," Lychee declared. "Besides, I've still got to get Kirin to realize I'm the one for him, you know?"

"You can have him after I settle things with him," Kenma responded with a nod. "But hey, we'll be ready!"

TWO HOURS LATER...

[Insert track: Dragon Ball BGM - Goku & Kuririn Race (M410)]

The entire crew was aboard a massive silver motorboat that was making its way towards China. Kenma sat aboard the Nimbus as he traveled by air, flying alongside the boat.

Just hang in there, Nabiki. We're coming to save ya, he thought to himself with an unusually serious expression adorning his face.

Of course, Kasumi had come up with the clever idea of using Happosai as the "anchor", which was just a way to more-or-less keelhaul him. Everyone accepted, and the crusty little geezer was tied to a rope hanging off the ship and dragged through the water behind the boat.

"So!" Ranma said, turning to face Lychee. "What exactly brought you to the Tendos' house, anyway?"

Immediately, Lychee grabbed Ranma by the lapels, but instead of the expected anger, her eyes were filled with awe.

"Will you listen to all my hardships...?" she asked.

Ranma blinked, surprised. "...by all means, go ahead," she responded.

"It all started when I was only six..." began Lychee.

MEANWHILE, ON KIRIN'S FLYING FRIGATE...

Kirin was sitting down with a bowl of rice, topped with a pickle. "Well...have you decided to abide by Nekonron's laws, and become the bride of Kirin?" he asked his guest.

Nabiki was seated before him, also with a bowl of rice, with a pickled eggplant on top instead of a pickle. "Hmm...nope," she responded.

Kirin raised an eyebrow. "Come again? Kirin is confused."

"Kirin is also talking in third-person again," Nabiki commented with a smirk.

"...besides that. Why do you resist?" Kirin asked.

"Because I know Kenma is coming," Nabiki told him.

"Who?" Kirin asked. "The boy with those odd sideburns?"

"Yep, my monkey-boy," Nabiki nodded. "He's pretty damn tenacious when he wants to be. And since you took me, he's gonna be a whirlwind of fury. He won't stop until I'm back with him again, so when he gets here..."

"You mean if he gets here?"

"Nope. When," Nabiki responded. "When he gets here, you better hope he's feeling merciful. He cares a lot about his friends AND his girls. TL;DR? Kenma is coming, and he's bringing hell with him. You called down the thunder, so get ready to reap the whirlwind."

"...Kirin sees, I mean I see your point," Kirin responded. "...still, you'd better eat up. Your breakfast is growing cold."

"What, this?" asked Nabiki, gesturing to the food.

"Yes, that," Kirin nodded.

"Eh, no thanks," Nabiki responded. "I'm not really into rice and pickled vegetables."

"But the people of Nekonron eat only rice and pickled vegetables." explained Kirin. "Such as it has been for centuries."

"Well, it's a new century. Haven't you ever heard of takeout?" asked Nabiki as she pulled out a mobile phone. Off Kirin's confused look, she shrugged. "...yeah, I thought not. Not to mention, I'll make you a wager."

"Kirin is feeling generous, so Kirin shall listen."

"If Kenma and the others make it here and work their way up to you, then you have to compensate my familiy with...hmm, I'd say 500 pounds of gold."

"Kirin accepts. And if they should perish?"

"...then I stay here, become your bride, and I don't complain about rice and pickled veg ever again."

Kirin smiled. "Kirin accepts this as well." he responded.

"Glad to see you're feeling confident," Nabiki said as she began dialing takeout. Kenma, you'd better hurry. I REALLY hate pickled vegetables, so I'm not looking forward to eating them for the rest of my life...

Next time:
Arrival in Nekonron! And So, the Battle Begins!

...that, or we begin the Mousse chapter. Whichever comes out first.