Episode #22: "I Love You! My Dear, Dear Ukyo"
FEATURING THE VOICE TALENTS of:
NEIL ROSS as Ranma Saotome
SUSAN BLU as Ranko
JESS HARNELL as Kenma Saotome
GREY DELISLE as Akane
LACEY CHABERT as Ukyo Kuonji
SALLY STRUTHERS as Tsubasa Kurenai
JOEY LAWRENCE as Hiroshi
ANDREW LAWRENCE as Daisuke
KERRIGAN MAHAN as Tatewaki Kuno
AUTHOR'S NOTE: Readers, if you're gonna leave a review, then write an actual review, huh? Because just saying "great new chapter" for each chapter review does NOT fill that quota. Lookin' at YOU, Guest Reviewer!
"You're kidding, right?" asked Akane in disbelief, as she was walking down the block. "Another challenge letter?"
"Yuppers," responded Ranko, walking along the fence top as she clutched some paper in her hands—the letter in question. "Prepare yourself, I'm coming soon to take your life," she read.
"She-eesh!" remarked Kenma. "It's like Ryoga, but punctual…plus, they give you a warning in advance!"
"That's a little extreme, isn't it?" asked Akane.
Kenma shrugged. "Compared to Ryoga screaming RANMA, PREPARE TO DIE!, it's subtle," he replied.
"So who's it from?" asked Akane.
Ranko looked down again. "Tsubasa Kurenai," she read. "Is that a girl or a guy?"
"Beats me," Kenma replied. "The name doesn't sound very familiar…"
Akane glared at both boys.
"What?" the brothers asked.
"So, what'd you do now?" asked Akane. "Steal? Dine and dash? Get engaged, maybe?"
"Jinkies, Akane," remarked Ranko dryly. "Is that how low your opinion of us is?"
Kenma rolled his eyes. "That is so Season 1; get with the times," he retorted dryly. "Also why is that your go-to reasoning? 99% of the time, those engagements are Genma's fault in the first place. The 1% was the whole Shampoo engagement which is something entirely different."
"Yeah, and as for the stealing and dine and dash? When the hell did we ever steal or run out on a tab?" Ranko retorted at the accusation, because unlike their father, they had more honor than being criminals like that. "Besides, I pay my tabs now that I have a job."
"Yeah, that's ri—wait, you have a job?" Kenma asked in shock, hearing this for the first time. "When did you get a job?"
"Ukyo hired me as her delivery specialist. How else do you think her orders get delivered intact with Pop in town?" Ranko explained.
This was true; when Genma was out of the house, he would try to steal take-out meals and eat them before running away.
"That…that actually explains a lot." Kenma commented, as he had seen Ranma running around town over the past week or so with a delivery container in hand.
"CHAAAAAAARGEEEEE!" A voice echoed as the trio turned down the street to do a double take at what was coming at them—a mailbox.
You read that right, a literal mailbox was charging at them. This was a new one.
"Am I high, or is a mailbox charging at us with the intent to kill?" Kenma asked as he felt like this was a bad trip.
"You didn't eat Kasumi's brownies she keeps in the back of the fridge again, did you?" Akane asked as she was seeing this as well, and she wasn't high.
"Not since that comedy movie marathon over the weekend." Kenma said, remembering what was the most fun and relaxing Saturday he had in years. "I screamed about a double rainbow for hours."
"RANMA SAOTOME! PREPARE TO DIE!" The mailbox shouted as it leapt into the air, flying to the teen on the wall. Ranko leapt over the mailbox as it was sent crashing through the wall.
"Why the hell is a mailbox trying to kill you?!" Akane yelled as she was trying to figure out how this was Ranma's fault.
"Hell if I know? Forget to include a stamp or forget to put a return address on some mail?"
The mailbox stumbled to its feet, saying: "I'll get you this time, Ranma!"
"Better act fast," Kenma commented. "This guy puts the "P.O." in 'P.O. Box'!"
And he was right, since the mailbox had gotten back up and was coming around for another shot at Ranma.
Ranko leapt out of the way, causing the mailbox to slam into a big cement pole; the force of the impact caused the pole to break in half and come crashing down on the mailbox, crushing it beneath its weight.
"Now let's find out who's behind the case of the Marauding Mailbox," commented Kenma.
Suddenly, the pole was lifted off the box with surprising strength by what appeared to be a petite, brunette girl in a sailor fuku.
"It's…a girl," commented Kenma.
The girl in question was covered from head to toe in bruises all over her body, but it seemed like not even that would deter her.
"Ranma…!" she grunted as she tossed aside the broken pole. "Ch-char…charge, I say—*"
And then, her exhaustion caught up to her, and she collapsed right on her face—or, she would have, if Kenma didn't catch her as she fell.
"Got ya," he sighed…right before he got whacked in the head by Akane's bag.
"WELL?! Ya gonna tell me who she IS?!" she demanded.
"Don't RUSH me!" Kenma bellowed. "We gotta check first!"
And so, Ranko & Kenma each took turns looking over the girl's face, checking for any sort of hint or reminder.
"...no idea," they both concluded.
"I was right, WASN'T I?" Akane snapped. "You DID go and get yourself engaged again, DIDN'T you?!"
"What're you guys talking about?" asked Ukyo, alerting the others to her presence.
"Oh. Heya, Ucchan," greeted Ranko as the tomboy-chef glanced over the unconscious girl's fallen body.
Suddenly, Ukyo's eyebrows twitched, almost in recognition.
The girl turned a bit in Kenma's arms. "...dear, dear Ukyo…" she murmured.
"Tsubasa Kurenai!" exclaimed Ukyo, putting two and two together.
"Hey, that's the one who sent the challenge letter!" commented Ranko.
"A friend of yours?" queried Akane.
"Not even close!" Ukyo responded as she grabbed Tsubasa out of Kenma's hands and tied her to a giant red firecracker rocket [ACME brand, of course; they're BIG sponsors of the show]. "Hurry! Hurry!"
Ranko made sure Tsubasa was tied on tightly, and once the deed was done, Ukyo took a match, lit the fuse, and covered her ears as the rocket went flying, soaring, spiraling, into the air.
"Great…" she panted. "I never thought anybody would follow me here…"
"So who exactly WAS that?" inquired Ranko.
SHORTLY, AT UCCHAN'S OKONOMIYAKI…
"Her name is Tsubasa Kurenai," explained Ukyo. "She and I were in the same grade at school."
"So then what's the grudge against me?" Ranko pressed.
"I was pretending to be a boy when I first got here," replied Ukyo. "And besides, Tsubasa was very, very pushy and insistent. Every day since we met, she'd shower me with all kinds of gifts, until it was driving me nuts. So I told her that I already HAD a fiancé."
Suddenly, Ranko found herself being slammed face-first right onto Ukyo's grill surface, courtesy of a foot belonging to a burned, scuffed, but very-much-alive-and-well Tsubasa Kurenai.
"But the rejection only spurred me on!" she declared through a microphone…which I don't think was attached to anything visible. "Not even when Ukyo transferred away! So I decided to put my thoughts to paper, writing love letter after love letter, until the skies were FILLED with pretty pink ahn-velopes!"
"Like I said, it was too damn much; I needed SOME way to take the heat off," explained Ukyo. "So I sent a breakup letter with Ranma's photo in it!"
"Which Ranma was in the picture?" whispered Akane.
"The girl one, obviously," replied Ukyo. "Tsubasa still thought I was a boy, so I didn't want him thinking I was gay."
Strolling over, Tsubasa squinted at Ranko, glaring daggers at her.
"...What?" inquired the redheaded girl.
Tsubasa leaned in, never once losing her glare. "...you're a butt-ugly dog," she remarked.
"...butt-ugly d-dog…?" Ranko stammered, clearly thrown by that remark. Normally Ranko would be able to throw remarks like that away, but this one somehow hit her deeper than usual ones.
"Ranma, are you okay?" asked Akane. "Don't tell me that little comment hurt your feelings…"
Ranko said nothing, simply turning towards Ukyo. "Ukyo, catch~!" she called as she leapt over, landing in the chef's outstretched arms.
"Well, if I'm such a butt-ugly dog~" chortled Ranko. "...then how come I'm the one who got Ukyo?!"
Tsubasa fumed with rage at that.
"I definitely don't think Ranma's butt-ugly!" Ukyo smiled, adding to this by holding her close to her body.
Now Ranko's ego was back at full strength. "So nice to see ya, buh-bye~!" she chirped giddily.
"Grr…I'll show YOU!" Tsubasa snapped, before she turned and left the restaurant. "YOU HAVEN'T SEEN THE LAST OF ME!"
"Nyah-nyah~!" taunted Ranko, sticking out her tongue gleefully.
"You think she's really gone for good?" Akane asked in disbelief.
Kenma meanwhile had a feeling he knew what was coming and could only do one thing, "3… 2… 1…" before pointing at the door to the restaurant.
"I'LL TEACH YOU TO MAKE FUN OF ME!" Tsubasa bellowed, as a large shadow approached the door of Ukyo's establishment, and a Vending Machine came busting in.
Once again, you read that correctly. A. VENDING. MACHINE. Did I stutter?
Ranko quickly leapt into the air to avoid the impact, as Tsubasa made contact with Ukyo's grill bar. Tsubasa came out of the vending machine, revealing it to somehow be made of what appeared to be… paper mache?! "Darn, I missed him."
"How the hell did you make that so fast? How is it so durable?!" Kenma shouted in shock, wanting to know the answer.
"TSUBASA…!" growled Ukyo, raising her spatula in anger. "PREPARE TO FRY!"
And as she prepared to attack, Akane grabbed Ukyo in a full-nelson, and pulled her shirt open to reveal Ukyo's bound breasts…which bounced a little.
"Hold it!" shouted Akane. "Look, now do you get it?!"
All at once, Ranko, Kenma, and Tsubasa simultaneously suffered nosebleeds.
"What the hell was that for, Akane?! You pervert!" Ukyo shouted out of embarrassment before giving Akane a slap in the face, trying to hide her bound breasts with a huge blush on her face.
"Wha- how am I a pervert?" Akane asked in confusion, holding her slapped cheek.
"You don't just rip another woman's shirt open and flash their chest at people!" Ukyo snapped. "What if somebody did that to YOU?!" (Let's be honest here, for all the times Akane accused Ranma of being a pervert, she's actually done some very perverted things throughout the series. Talk about your irony!)
"Do you get it now?" asked Kenma. "Ukyo's a girl!"
Tsubasa smirked darkly. "Well, duh! I already KNEW that!" she retorted. "I always knew it!"
Ukyo and Akane did a double-take in surprise.
"You get it?" asked Tsubasa. "I'm ONLY interested in girls!"
"So you're a lesbian?" commented Kenma. "...well, good for you then."
"And you, Ranma Saotome…" glowered Tsubasa. "Do you REALLY think you can make Ukyo happy?! Then meet me at school tomorrow—where I shall take darling Ukyo's heart away from you, if it's the last thing I do!"
And before she left, she spat, "Butt-ugly dog!" at Ranko, then she skipped gaily out the door.
"Well…that certainly happened," commented Kenma. "I gotta say, out of all the insane things that've happened to us, the stuff that occurred today has got to be the weirdest."
"At least this one was sort of like Mousse, but calmer in comparison." Ranko stated, trying to get the image of Ukyo's bound bosom out of her head.
"What a pervert…" Akane remarked.
Kenma gave her the side-eye. "...what the fuck, Akane?" he blurted.
Ranko was just fuming with anger at having been insulted. "You—you little snake!" she spat. "I'll show you who's butt-ugly!"
THE NEXT AFTERNOON…
Everyone was receiving flyers and reading small billboards set up around the school.
They all read:
Lunchtime Duel:
Okonomiyaki Sell-Off
Sponsored by Ucchan's Okonomiyaki [BALLPARK STYLE]
¥500 per order
Please buy from the one you like best~!
On them were two pictures: one on the left with Tsubasa looking as cute as possible, and one on the right with Ranko looking like some right-handed kid tried to draw a picture of an ant—with his left hand, while blindfolded.
"Bake sale? Alright! That means tons of goodies!"
"The one on the left looks pretty cute…"
"And she looks WAY less likely to slug ya if you ask her out, too, so that's a bonus!"
"An okonomiyaki-selling battle, then?" asked Ranma, watching this little spectacle play out.
"It's still not too late for you to back out of this," said Akane.
Kenma mentally sighed, hearing Akane say that line again. He knew to keep his mouth shut that if the situation was reversed, Akane would tell them to go to hell if they tried to get her to back down from a challenge. Because she's full of fucking shit like that.
"Back out? BACK OUT?" Ranma fumed. "Get this through your thick head, Akane. To back out would mean to let Tsubasa take Ukyo for herself. And more than that, she'll think that all my talk was just a lot of bluster!"
"So that's what this is all about? Your pride?" Akane snapped.
"It ain't ABOUT pride!" retorted Ranma. "It's about defending the reputation! The primary rule of Anything-Goes Martial Arts is to accept any challenge that comes your way!"
"No matter HOW stupid," added Kenma, a look of familiarity upon his face.
"Not to mention, I need to make it clear that Ucchan is ABSOLUTELY NOT up for grabs!" Ranma finished.
"Ukyo really means that much to you, yeah?" Kenma inquired as he could tell this challenge had sparked something different in his brother.
"She's actually the best thing to happen to me outside of our family's usual bullcrap!" Ranma declared; unknown to him, however, Ukyo had heard him say that before she saw what the flier said.
"Oh, Tsubasa. Wouldja come here for a second?" the Okonomiyaki chef asked with a deceitfully pleasant smile.
"Oh, Ukyo, my love," Tsubasa gleefully said as she skipped to the Okonomiyaki chef. "Have you finally decided to return my feelings and dump that butt-ugly dog, Ranma, for me?"
"No, I just wanted to ask you a quick question..." Ukyo said before bringing her spatula right down on Tsubasa's head.
KER-THWACK!
"...EXACTLY WHEN THE HELL DID I GIVE YOU PERMISSION TO USE MY BUSINESS'S NAME ON YOUR LITTLE CONTEST?!" the tomboy chef bellowed. "...that said, selling my Okonomiyaki via a campus bake sale does sound like a good idea."
"Do you really think so, dearest?" Tsubasa asked cutely, upon hearing that last part—before a glare from Ukyo quickly shut her up again.
"The ends don't justify the means, Tsubasa!" Ukyo growled at the girl, since she was still mad at her for using her restaurant as the battle without asking permission.
A LITTLE WHILE LATER…
Both Ranko and Tsubasa were each carrying trays full of okonomiyaki. All of the okonomiyaki had their own names written in sauce and ingredients on them, so that way people could tell which ones they'd purchased them from.
"So…" Tsubasa began with her tray strapped around her shoulders. "We're in an agreement then? Whoever loses has to give up on Ukyo, forever~."
"Yeah, yeah; whatever you say," Ranko rolled her eyes. "I'm still gonna win this thing."
She seemed to be surrounded by a burning-red aura as she balled her fists up.
"Okay then. Ready…set…GO!" Ukyo announced as the combatants raced into the courtyard, heading towards a group of boys ready to buy their lunch from either girl.
"Yoo-hoo, come n' get it, boys~!" Ranko and Tsubasa exclaimed in unison.
"Get your delicious Okonomiyaki from the one you think is the cu-test~!" Tsubasa added that last part to get under Ranko's skin.
As the crowd of boys passed by the girls, the dust cloud settled, revealing a surprising result. Somehow, Tsubasa got more orders of food from the boys than Ranko did, much to her shock.
"What…the…hell? How did I lose?" Ranko asked in annoyance and shock at this development.
"Guess beauty triumphs over butt-ugly," Tsubasa taunted, as she metaphorically rubbed salt into the wound. "But don't fret, I hear they're doing wonders with plastic surgery these days. Ta-taa~!"
Ranko was down on her knees in shock, fighting the urge to deck Tsubasa right in the schnoz for that little 'plastic surgery' jab. At this point, she needed an outlet for this anger.
And the universe decided to throw Ranko a bone for her trouble, with the perfect punching bag.
"Fear not, my fair Venus," Kuno stated as he placed a hand on her shoulder. "Thou art still the symbol of beauty to my own eyes. Witness how I show my love!" He then hugged her from behind as one hand was dangerously close to Ranko's chest.
WHAM-OW-SKOWITZKI!
"GET 'CHER GREEDY PERVY MITTS OFFA ME, YA MORON!" Ranko panted, having channeled all her anger into that one powerful kick. "...okay, that was kinda therapeutic."
"Okay, Ranma," Akane said as she approached the girl. "You're being ridiculous, even for you! Can you stop being an idiot? You didn't think you could outdo a real girl in a contest of cuteness, did you?"
…surprise, surprise, turns out Ranko still had some anger left over within her.
"WHAT THE HELL WOULD YOU KNOW ABOUT CUTENESS, HUH?!" she roared, jamming a finger in Akane's face. "YOU'RE THE MOST UNCUTE GIRL I'VE EVER HAD THE DISPLEASURE OF MEETING! I'M DOING THIS BECAUSE UKYO MEANS A LOT TO ME! SO HOW ABOUT YOU DO ME A FAVOR FOR THE FIRST TIME, AND MIND YOUR OWN DAMN BUSINESS?!"
…and then, all of a sudden, Ranko got an idea.
"Wait a second, that's it!" she exclaimed as she darted away. "Just wait and see, Tsubasa; like the saying goes, It ain't over 'til it's over!"
"Honestly," glowered Akane, crossing her arms. "He's being ridiculous!"
"He's in love, Akane," stated Kenma. "And when you're in love, you go the extra mile to prove yourself."
"The way I see it, Akane, you're the one who's being ridiculous!" stated Ukyo. "Kicking Ranma while he's down like that, how heartless can you be?"
"You know, one of these days…" Kenma said as he gave Akane a look that said 'I am 110% done with this attitude of yours'. "The next time you try to kick Ranma when he's down—he's gonna kick you back twice as hard."
Only a few minutes later, Ranko returned, now clad in a long black-haired wig, a magenta Playboy bunny costume, and a pair of high heels. Where she even got such an outfit, they were afraid to know the answer.
But odds are, Nabiki loaned it to her. [she really did, and that's what I'm sticking with]
FOR UCCHAN! Her inner thoughts declared.
"Come an' get your tasty okonomiyaki~!" she called in a sensual voice. "First come, first served~"
"Who IS that?"
"I dunno...but she's a total babe!"
"Hell, I'd buy life insurance if she was selling it!"
The guys who hadn't already purchased any okonomiyaki quickly surrounded Ranko, waving dollars and coins at her.
"I want one!"
"Hey, so do I!"
"Screw that, I'm thrice as hungry!"
"If I buy 2, will ya go out with me?"
Ranko giggled as she snapped up dollars, and passed out okonomiyaki to each of the buyers.
I just wasn't sexy enough before! But now that I look not-so-intimidatin', they're practically eating right outta my hands, she thought gleefully to herself.
"Wow," Kenma said as he watched Ranko rake in the dough and sales. "I gotta admit, this was a smart plan! Ranko can be downright crafty whenever she's in competitions."
"I'll say," Ukyo dazedly stated as she was glancing and eyeing her fiance in that outfit. Granted, she was slightly jealous that it looked so good on her fiancé, but loved the sight nonetheless.
"So Tsubasa, what was that about me being a 'butt-ugly dog', hm"? Ranko taunted. "But I wonder, would you like those words served with mustard or ketchup?"
"Hmph! Don't get too cocky, Ranma. After all, you've still got one left." Tsubasa taunted right back.
Ah, crap! She's right! the ponytailed girl thought. If I can't sell this last plate by the end of the day, I'll never be able to face Ukyo again…
"Hold it!" called the familiar voice of the tomboy chef as she approached. "I'm gonna be purchasing that last okonomiyaki from ya, Ranma-honey!"
"Oh! Well in that case, here ya go," said Ranko as she handed over the okonomiyaki, much to Tsubasa's dismay.
"How cruel!" said the disguise artist, now dressed like a tree for some reason. "Why don't you just admit it? You never loved me at all"
Ukyo let out a frustrated groan as she rubbed her head, "Tsubasa, I LITERALLY told you that EIGHTY-SIX MORE TIMES after the first time you tried to ask me out! You lack the capacity to take no for an answer!"
"Fine, Ukyo. I get it. I know when I'm beaten…" Tsubasa said while sniffling. "Ranma…for my sake, take good care of her, okay?"
Ranko watched on as Tsubasa ran away from the group. The redhead felt something inside her feel like this wasn't a satisfying victory, and felt bad for Tsubasa.
"Maybe you guys oughta hang back," Kenma suggested. "I'll go after her and make sure things don't get out of hand."
Readying himself emotionally, the redheaded boy went off in search…of a brunette dressed in a tree suit.
…that's never going to stop sounding weird, be it in text or vocal form, is it?
As Kenma searched the neighborhood for the girl in a tree suit, he was shocked at how hard it was to even find a moving tree, let alone a person in a tree suit. But, his search came to a pause when he saw a very peculiar sight at the playground.
He saw a trash can swinging on a swing. Yes, you read that correctly.
The hell? How does she own so many crazy costumes?! What, did she raid the drama department for their suits?!
With a shrug, Kenma strode over and sat down on the swing adjacent to Tsubasa's.
"Hope you don't mind my company," he said, trying to start up a conversation.
"It's fine." Tsubasa said, while wiping her tears.
For a few minutes, the two youngsters sat on the swings in silence, the only noise around being the whistling of the wind.
"...you know, Ranma cares an awful lot about Ukyo," Kenma said, breaking the veil of quiet. "Next to me, she's one aspect of her life that really makes her feel happy."
"Why is that?" asked Tsubasa.
"Well…when we were little, our dad took us on a supposed 'training journey' to prepare us for arranged marriages," Kenma explained. "Unfortunately, at almost every chance he got, he would promise almost anybody his kids, then find a way to weasel out of his deals. Didja know one time he traded Ranma for a bowl of rice, topped with fish and two pickles? We were only babies back then!"
Tsubasa looked legitimately disgusted. "...seriously? Your dad sounds like a lunatic!" she exclaimed.
MEANWHILE, AT THAT EXACT MOMENT…
Genma was in the middle of yet another shogi game with Soun, when he felt a tickle in his nose. Suddenly, before he could stop himself, he let out a tremendous sneeze and sent himself flying right into the koi pond with a SPLASH!
Naturally, the panda came bobbing up seconds later, soaked to the bone.
"And I thought my parents were brutal…" the brunette girl commented.
Kenma raised a brow in curiosity. "Why? What'd your parents do to you?" he asked.
Tsubasa gave a little sigh. "Well, when I was much smaller, I had tremendous, glorious dreams of being an actor…I was incredibly good with disguises, and I could get absorbed into a role like nobody's business!" she exclaimed. "…unfortunately, my parents didn't appreciate it one bit, and so in an attempt to straighten me out, they had me shipped off to a boys' boarding school."
Kenma looked over at her…and then it clicked. "But then that would mean…" he started.
"...that I am a boy? Yes," Tsubasa stated calmly. "But my parents didn't find my pursuits fitting for most boys my age. It was a grueling experience, to say the least—but when my dearest, darling Ukyo started attending, it was as though the dark clouds had parted, and a beautiful tomboy angel had descended from above!"
"Yeah, that part's been buggin' me for a while," Kenma interjected slightly. "How exactly did you find out Ukyo was a girl in guy's clothes?"
"Honestly? It was the subtle little details," Tsubasa responded. "Like little mannerisms and whatnot." "For example, she'd occasionally twirl one of her spatulas around her fingers whenever she was either waiting or after she finished cooking something. Also, I caught a whiff of her shampoo she used one day in passing."
"Oh." Kenma nodded along. "Ya know,you got no reason to be ashamed of who you are, bud."
"Even if I'm a weirdo who likes to dress up like trash cans and vending machines?" Tsubasa asked with an innocent, sincere tone.
"Dude, that is the LEAST weird thing I've seen around this town," replied Kenma. "At least you seem to have your head on right. More than I can say for half the populace…"
"You really think so?" Tsubasa inquired with a hint of joy in his voice at the compliment.
"I know so," nodded Kenma.
Tsubasa began to feel hope rise up in his chest at such praises; something he never had before from his strict parents, who always put down his dreams.
Meanwhile, at the local Cafe…
"I wonder if Tsubasa and Kenma were able to hit it off?" Ranma said while taking a sip of a Caramel Latte.
"Sure, and he probably gained yet another girlfriend," Akane grumbled. "Like it wasn't bad enough my sister is already sharing him with a girl."
"I doubt Tsubasa is like that," Ukyo said as she enjoyed her Latte.
"And even if that were to happen, I don't see how it's any concern of yours!" Ranma added, frankly quite tired of Akane ALWAYS thinking the worst of him and his brother. [Author's note #2: don't worry, readers. We're pretty fucking tired of that, too. Either Akane's gonna learn to cut that shit out, or one of these episodes, she's getting decked/kicked/hit in some form.]
Right at that very moment, there was a sneeze. The trio turned their heads to see Kenma and Tsubasa coming into the cafe.
Kenma wiped his nose. "My ears were burning, and so were my nostrils!" he declared.
"Kenma! We were just talking about you," said Ranma.
"Nothing bad, I hope!" chuckled Kenma.
"So, did you and Tsubasa work things out?" asked Ukyo. "Is she gonna leave me alone?"
"I don't know if she will…" responded Kenma with a smirk. "But I definitely know HE will!"
Tsubasa gave a wide grin, as Ukyo, Ranma and Akane's eyes went wide.
"You mean—" started Ukyo. "YOU WERE A BOY THIS WHOLE TIME?!"
"But then…" Akane blinked. "...if you were a boy dressed as a girl, how did you stay in the same school as Ukyo?"
"Didn't she tell you?" asked Tsubasa. "It was an all-boys' school!"
Ukyo blinked. "You mean I didn't specify that?" she asked.
"...no, you DIDN'T," stated Ranma.
"Since nobody asked, I figured you all knew," Ukyo stated sheepishly.
"How the hell were we supposed to know?" asked Akane. "So Tsubasa's a crossdresser…is he gay?"
"I am not a crossdresser!" retorted Tsubasa. "And I'm not gay, either—not that there's any problem with that. I'm just your ordinary boy who likes to dress up! Can I help having the spirit of the theater within me? Hah! I think not!"
Ranma turned to face Akane with the most smug, self-assured look on his face that he'd had in a long time.
"...what?" Akane queried.
"Gee, Akane, see if this rings a bell," replied Ranma before he cleared his throat and started to imitate Akane (in a surprisingly spot-on impression). "Can you stop being an idiot? You didn't think you could outdo a real girl in a contest of cuteness, did you?"
Akane's face went red with embarrassment; this was one blunder she couldn't get out of via going ballistic and decking someone.
"...anyways, we talked it out, and apparently Tsubasa doesn't really have anywhere to stay," Kenma explained. "His parents disowned him after they found out he left the all-boys' school. So, he's gonna be bunking in the attic until further notice. Looks like Aki's got a roommate."
"Don't worry!" Tsubasa grinned, ignoring Akane's shock and embarrassment. "I don't take up much space, promise~!"
"By the way, before you go…" Ukyo said as she gave Tsubasa a piece of paper. "...I figured I ought to give you something."
"For me? Oh, thank you, darl—I mean, thanks, Ukyo," Tsubasa smiled as he accepted the paper and unfolded it. But as he looked over it, his face went a bit pale.
It was a bill.
"A bill?" exclaimed Tsubasa. "I didn't even order anything!"
"It's not for food," replied Ukyo. "It's for the door that you demolished yesterday with your vending machine costume."
The flamboyant brunette visibly sweatdropped and paled. "Hehehehe…sorry 'bout that…" he responded. "...any chance you'd be looking for someone to sweep up?"
"No worries, pal," Kenma smiled. "I hear the Nekohanten Cat Cafe is looking for new hostesses! With your cute looks, and a bit of carefully-applied padding to the proper places, you'd be a shoo-in!"
"Just a quick bit of advice," Ranma brought up as this was important to say. "Be careful of certain guys in Nerima, some of them are morons, perverts, or both. An example of a perverted moron…one Tatewaki Kuno."
"I'll keep that in mind. Besides, before my parents disowned me, they made sure I knew how to defend myself." Tsubasa stated as he rolled up his sleeves to flex his muscles.
Kenma gave an impressed whistle. "Daaamn~!" he remarked. Off Akane's raised eyebrow, he turned back to her. "What? You don't have to be gay to appreciate a man's gains," he replied.
"Kinda like how some girls can appreciate another girl for their figure 'n such." Ukyo added as it worked both ways. "Like how I appreciate Ranma's figure, guy or girl!"
Ranma's face turned completely red as he chuckled sheepishly.
Taking a good, long look at the bizarre little group he'd become friends with, Tsubasa couldn't help but smile.
Y'know something? I think I'm gonna like it here!
Yeah, we had to rewrite a LOT of stuff for this episode, most of which ended up aging like yogurt left on a space heater. But I also wanted to ensure Tsubasa became one of their friends, because you never know when you're gonna need the aid of a master of disguise/disguise specialist!
But before we go, I leave you with:
A list of reasons as to WHY Ukyo and Ranma would be a better couple than Ranma and Akane!
-she likes him for who he is, even with the curse
- Ukyo was the first girl Ranma openly referred to as "cute", so that puts her HEAD AND SHOULDERS ABOVE Akane
-she doesn't repeatedly beat Ranma for misunderstandings
-Ranma is openly nice to her and actively goes to her for advice at times
-Ukyo is the least hostile fiancée Ranma gained
-Ukyo has never tried to use Tricks on Ranma to make him love her, as opposed to canon Shampoo
...apart from the "Lady-Killer Bandaid" episode, but we don't talk about that. That was a particularly bad outing for everybody involved.
-During the Gambling King arc, Ukyo let Ranma stay with her when they got kicked out
-Unlike Akane, Ukyo doesn't keep flip-flopping on whether or not she likes Ranma, so she isn't obnoxiously wishy-washy
-Ukyo and Ranma were friends before he found out about their engagement
And that's our list, everybody!