REVIEW RESPONSES!
IrishKatana: Admittedly...yes, I did forget about Jinn's wish giving Ranma the ability to gender-shift at will. However, we DO intend to at least address that detail starting with this chapter.
Grimraven.V: Sometimes, you've gotta be the change you want to see in your world. For a long while, I couldn't find anyone to co-write these fics with me—but thanks to my buddy Jamtaro, I was able to relight that spark of inspiration inside myself and find the will to push onward.
Chris Ketchum: That's right, Tsubasa will show up more often than he did in the manga and anime. It's unfair that someone with such a wellspring of potential only appeared for 3 manga chapters, 2 anime episodes, and 2 cameos in a movie and an OVA, while crap like Happosai and—ugh—Martial Arts Tea Ceremony gets MULTIPLE episodes centered around that nonsense. Well, not THIS time! This time around, Mr. Kurenai will get more time to shine, and he'll be one of the gang too!
AsheTDust, for Chapter 15: Glad that made ya laugh. And don't worry, we'll do our best to pace ourselves so we don't get burnt out too soon! Hopefully we can hear from you again sometime, and I can only hope your mom's condition has improved since last I was told about it.
Guest, for Chapter 18: Aki's doing his best to get Akane to mellow out and pull the stick from her ass, but it's a work in progress, let me assure you! Azusa and Mikado? Well...I think we might be able to do something with the "Golden Pair" of Kolhotz High School in the near-future, so keep your eyes peeled!
AUTHOR'S NOTE: This episode takes place after Summer Vacation, as well as the events of our adaptation for "Nihao, My Concubine". As of this episode, Ranma, Kenma, and their friends are in 10th grade.
Also, on the day this was published, a very Happy 77th Birthday to Toshio Furukawa, the man behind the voice of Piccolo Jr., Portgaz D. Ace, Ataru Moroboshi [and his father], not to mention our own Kenma Saotome.
It was another morning at Furinkan High…well, almost. For some reason, the students were all abuzz about something.
"Hey, didja hear? The principal is coming back!"
"Get out; for real?"
"We had a principal?"
"Come to think of it, I've never actually seen him."
"I heard he's been in America for years, researching educational methods."
"Maybe it loosened him up."
Suddenly, there was a loud whirring noise, prompting everyone to look up and see..a helicopter coming down to the ground.
From underneath the chopper, there unfurled a banner that read, "WELCOME HEADMASTER".
Daisuke looked through a guidebook. "Headmaster…headmaster…oh! It means Principal!" he read.
"A helicopter, huh?" asked Ryunosuke. "They sure like to do it big in America!"
"More or less, yes," responded Junichi.
"Hanging out his own welcome banner, though?" asked Ukyo. "That's just tacky!"
"Who knows? Maybe he's so pathetic that he had to give himself a warm welcome, since nobody else would." Ryunosuke said.
Suddenly the side of the helicopter opened up and a voice echoed throughout the courtyard. "ALOHA, KEIKI!"
The kids were, to say the least, unpleasantly surprised.
"...did he just say 'aloha'?"
"What kinda screwy crap did he learn in America?"
"Aloha, wahine!" exclaimed a muffled voice, prompting a girl to turn around…and shriek in fear.
And now…
The Return of the Hawai'ian Headmaster from Hell!
Featuring the voices of
RICHARD IAN COX as Ranma
VENUS TERZO as Ranko
MICHAEL DOBSON as Kenma
SAFFRON HENDERSON as Tsubasa
JANYSE JAUD as Ryunosuke
WILL RYAN as Junichi
MYRIAM SIROIS as Akane
KELLY SHERIDAN as Ukyo
MARK HILDRETH as Akimitsu
SCOTT McNEIL as Principal Kuno and Kaigara Fujinami
ADDITIONAL VOICES:
TED COLE
DAVID KAYE
GARRY CHALK
TERRY KLASSEN
CATHY WESELUCK
DAVE MALLOW
At that very moment, Akane, Ranma, Tsubasa, and Kenma were all running towards the schoolyard.
"Hurry, guys, hurry!" Akane panted.
"Don't rush me, woman!" Kenma retorted.
"What's the big deal?" asked Ranma. "We got plenty of time!"
"That's what you said yesterday, when you overslept and made us late!" Akane retorted.
"Fine, Mom," Ranma rolled his eyes. "Guys, let's speed it up, because L'il Baby Akane here has to have it!"
Kenma snorted, before he blinked a couple of times. "...hey, is it just me, or does Ranma sound kind of different today?" he asked.
"Now that you mention it," Akane said as she noticed it too. "He does sound different."
"Maybe puberty finally caught up and changed his voice?" Tsubasa suggested as an explanation.
"If that's the case, Ukyo would be happy to hear about Ranma hitting puberty." Kenma teased.
As the group made it to the school, they noticed a large crowd of students in the courtyard circling around something strange.
It was…a snowman. Yes, a snowman, bouncing around the courtyard, judging the students for multiple things. Keep in mind, this is the second week of September, and it's not even that cold yet.
"Ummm…you see this too, right?" asked Tsubasa.
"Yeah, I see the snowman," nodded Ranma.
"Oh, good, I thought I was high," replied Tsubasa.
"Socks too long, check!"
"Ugly haircut, check!"
"Non-regulation schoolbag, check!"
"Homework, check!"
"Check, check, check!"
Then, the snowman turned around and saw Ranma and his friends. With a holler, he leapt over and landed in front of them.
"...it's a mite warm for snowmen, isn't it?" asked Kenma.
"No worries, little bruddah!" crowed the snowman as he zipped behind Ranma and drew out some scissors. "Now gimme dat pigtail!"
Ranma's eyes flashed crimson, and a primal growl rumbled from his throat. "...NOBODY TOUCHES THE HAIR!" he bellowed as he delivered a fierce kick to the snowman's face.
The snowman leapt to his feet [well, he would if he HAD any], and charged again. "Bad keiki! It's not nice to hit'cher principal!" he exclaimed.
"Principal?" Ranma blurted, right before dodging a retaliation blow that would've clipped his hair. He sprang off of a tree and jumped back with another kick, which…shattered the snowman, like it was ceramic!
To the surprise of them all, standing in the broken pieces was a chubby, tan-skinned man wearing a Hawaiian shirt, sunglasses and shorts, strumming a ukulele and with a small coconut palm atop his head.
"You see the palm tree on his head too, right?" Kenma asked, as though that was the weirdest part of the principal's attire.
"Yup," Ranma confirmed.
"This is American education?!" exclaimed one girl.
"Americans are weird," a male student blurts out loud.
"Aloooha, keikis and wahines!" exclaimed the man. "How're things? Me be da school Principal!"
"Think again, you macadamia nutjob!" Ranma remarked.
"Ranma-honey, I'll help too," said Ukyo… before she noticed how his voice sounded. "...is that your voice?"
"Yeah, is something wrong?" asked Ranma.
"No way!" Ukyo insisted before blushing. "It's…kinda sexy, actually."
"No, no, no, you got it all wrong, mon!" the principal stated as he approached Ranma and handed him a pineapple of all things. "Here you go, a gift from the island paradise."
"What the—" was all Ranma could utter before…
KA-BOOM!
The pineapple blew up in his face, revealing it to be a bomb.
"WHY THE HELL DID THAT THING EXPLODE? WHO BRINGS AN EXPLOSIVE TO A SCHOOL?!" Kenma shrieked in horror as he and Tsubasa checked on Ranma.
The so-called principal leaned down into the crater and smirked. "You get it now, little keiki?" he asked. "You see what happen when you no follow de rules of Furinkan High?"
"You try to murder the student on the spot?!" Tsubasa shouted, mortified.
In no time, Principal Kuno grabbed Ranma by the pigtail and drew out a pair of massive shears which looked like they'd be better for trimming hedges.
"Soon, you gonna be good little keiki again!" he exclaimed. But before he could start snipping, he heard a boisterous laugh that seemed to echo around him. "Eh? Who be dat?" he asked.
"Since time immemorial, evil has never once prospered!" declared the voice. "I shall teach you a lesson, with my spirit of justice!"
Now everyone else was confused.
First, out stepped Kenma, spinning an umbrella. "Shadows of evil that threaten this world, I shall vanquish you with my handsome face!~" he declared.
Next, came Ukyo. "Despite whatever darkness you may sow, I shall wipe it away with the power of my love!" she shouted out.
And finally, there came Tsubasa, taking a dramatic stance. "We are the disciples of righteousness and victory!" he exclaimed. "The Secret Ninja Team…"
All of them stood together. "...NYANKEES!" they exclaimed. [little tribute to the voice behind Male-Ranma, Kappei freakin' Yamaguchi!]
Principal Kuno scratched his head in confusion. "What in Maui is a 'Nyankee'?" he asked.
"It's the perfect distraction, is what it is," smirked Ranma as he dealt a ferocious kick right to the principal's chin, knocking him away and letting the ponytailed boy escape.
"No, no, no-no! Nevah hit de face!" exclaimed Principal Kuno. "Bad keiki!"
"WHAT THE HELL IS THE MATTER WITH YOU?!" screamed Ranma.
"Mm-mm, bad keiki, very bad," Principal Kuno remarked as he scampered away…but then went back and threw the kids another pineapple. "And take this, a little gift from de islands!"
"RUN!" Kenma shouted, right before the pineapple exploded again.
In the midst of the smoke from the explosion, the Principal took a student away with him before the smoke dispersed.
"I know we're not supposed to harm the faculty, but…" Tsubasa began.
"Nope, this is the exception," Kenma stated as he brushed the soot off his clothes. "That bastard's going down for this!"
"Hey!" exclaimed Akimitsu. "Akane's not here! That Hawaiian half-wit took her!"
Before Aki could fly into a rage, the PA system turned on. "Attention all students, the principal has called for an assembly in the main gymnasium. Please report to the gym immediately."
"Time to see what that madman has to say," Junichi stated as he and Ryno followed the student body to the gymnasium.
On the way there, they both took glances at Tsubasa and blushed seeing him in person. It was then when they both noticed each other staring at the same person and blushed harder in realization.
In the gymnasium, everyone had gathered to see the principal on a stage. A giant banner was placed above the man with "Welcome Headmaster" written on it.
"Aloha, everybody!" Principal Kuno announced to the student body and faculty. "Today, me am havin' very exciting news for you all! As you know, me was a-comin' back from Hawaii, and me say to myself, me say: Headmaster, you gotta bring extra special present for all your keiki. Yeah!"
The students murmured at that in worry, especially considering his arrival to the school not even ten minutes ago.
"And now, for de moment you all been waiting for," Principal Kuno announced as he pulled a rope down to unravel a new banner. One that made all the students, and even some faculty members, cringe in horror.
The principal was displaying a new haircut code for the students. "These be de new school rules, mon! All bruddahs must be gettin' dem buzz cuts and all sistahs be gettin' dem bowl cuts!"
Almost instantly, the students were in an uproar at the new rule; in fact, they started throwing all sorts of things at the principal.
"BOO, YOU STINK!" yelled one kid.
"Like hell I'm cutting my hair, you jerk!" Ukyo yelled, because she was ready to hurt anyone who touched her long hair.
"Like anyone would even agree to such a stupid idea!" Ryno shouted as she picked up a chair and chucked it at the principal.
"Bad keiki! Bad keiki!" Principal Kuno shouted as he tried to dodge every projectile thrown at him. But just as soon he thought the coast was clear…
WHAMMO!
Ranma came in with a drop-kick to the man's face. "The hell is wrong with you?! Is this payback for this morning?" Yelling into the Principal's face as he got mad.
"Don't be worryin' about me, keiki, look up." Principal Kuno said as he pointed to the ceiling.
Ranma looked up, along with other students to see what he was pointing at, only to gasp in shock seeing Akane tied up to a broom while being lowered to the stage.
"Ranma Saotome, freshman class, room 1," Principal Kuno preached as he stood in front of Akane's position. "This Kahuna been doin' his research on you mon! If you wanna save your wahine Akane Tendo, then you gonna be de first bruddah to get the buzzcut!"
"Your research is out of date or false!" Ranma yelled back. "I've never been with Akane like that for a damn minute! I'm with Ukyo and Lum!"
"Hmm? Who be dis Lum girl? And if you no be Akane's kahuna, then who be—" Principal Kuno questioned right before a metal bat was sent flying into his face. "OW! Okay, why none a' de keikis listen to me about the No Hitting me Face policy?"
"Because your policy is as stupid as the one who came up with it!" Akimitsu growled, once again wearing his hockey mask. As both boys helped get Akane free from her makeshift bindings.
"Thank you, Aki," Akane gracefully thanked her crush as she then turned to the down adult with a heated glare. "AND AS FOR YOU, YOU LOUSY EXCUSE FOR A PRINCIPAL—!"
"Before we do anything we may regret mon… I have another announcement to make, yeah!" Principal Kuno shouted as he turned to the crowd again. "Now for all dem' young keikis out dere, listen up!"
At that moment, he held up a coconut, making the students flinch at the sight of it. Considering he had explosive pineapples, it was better to be safe than sorry.
"Me hide inside dis 'ere coconut a pardon from all de school rules. Any bruddah or sistah who gets this from me—" Principal Kuno announced before Kenma smacked it out of his hand and sent it flying into Aki's hands.
"Doesn't need to get those ugly haircuts, yeah, yeah," Ranma finished for the Principal.
Akane began to cheer for her crush getting the coconut, before she noticed it began to glow brighter. "AKI, THAT'S ANOTHER EXPLOSIVE!" she exclaimed.
"Crapbaskets!" Aki shouted as he hit the Coconut out the window with his bat, seconds before it blew up outside.
KA-BLAMSKI!
"Hahaha!" Principal Kuno laughed as he made his escape. "If you no want dem haircuts, then come find me in me office, keiki! You got three days to find it."
At this, all the students began shouting their frustrations out at the principal, angry and annoyed at this declaration and rule changes.
Meanwhile, the teachers had plenty of comments on the situation themselves.
"Yup, hasn't changed a bit since he left."
"He's always been like this?!"
"Absolutely, he'll do anything to annoy the students, and us too."
"Let's get while the getting's good, eh?"
"You think it's too late to request a transfer to another school?"
"That's it," Ranma shouted in annoyance and frustration. "He's a dead man!"
At that, all the students rushed out of the gymnasium and flooded the school hallways in search of the principal's office. It was a literal stampede throughout each floor of the building.
"Let's get 'em at the office! Where is it anyway?" Kenma asked as he was running with Akane, Akimitsu, Ranma, Ukyo, Ryunosuke, Junichi and Tsubasa. "Haven't seen it since we moved here."
"You haven't? Me neither," Aki stated.
"Neither have I," Junichi and Tsubasa said at the same time.
"I didn't even know we had a Principal before today," Ryunosuke said to the group.
"Then who did your dad talk to when he got hired here?" Junichi asked in surprise.
"It was all done over the phone," Ryno replied.
"GAH! HAS NO ONE EVER BEEN TO THE PRINCIPAL'S OFFICE BEFORE?!" Ranma yelled in annoyance.
"Hold, fellow students! So long as I, Tatewaki Kuno, am enrolled at Furinkan High, no tyrannical haircut rule shall EVER be instituted!" Kuno announced as he drew his bokken, and faced the crowd of students for some reason. "Stand and deliver, you dog-of-a-principal!"
"You're facing the wrong way, dumbass!" Kenma stated as he slipped by the second year student with ease.
"Who are you calling principal, ya moron?!" Ranma leapt and stepped on Kuno's face as the kendoist was soon trampled by the group of students.
"Now we gonna start the BIG fun!" laughed Principal Kuno, before he pressed a button on his desk.
Suddenly, a massive wave of water came barreling down the hallway! The kids barely had a second to react before they were all swept up in it and carried off.
"I do believe…he's trying…to DROWN us!" sputtered Kenma as he tried to stay afloat by grabbing onto a desk.
Akane, of course, was having no luck, and was blubbering wildly as she flailed her arms about…because she couldn't swim.
Aki grabbed onto her and tried to help keep her aloft by pulling her along.
Junichi tried to help Ryno stay afloat as they saw Tsubasa float by, in a raft. "What the hell?" they exclaimed.
"Never hurts to be prepared," Tsubasa stated as he helped Junichi and Ryno into the raft along with some other students they could grab a hold of.
As the waters flooded the hallways, a trapdoor opened up and drained the water along with the students into the hole. As the students were safe and out of harm for now, they looked around the dark room they're trapped in.
"Where the hell are we?" Ukyo asked in frustration as she pulled out her spatula.
"I think we're in the basement?" Aki guessed as he tried to find his way in the dark.
"We have a basement at the school?" Ryno asked in surprise.
"Hang on, I think I found the lights," a student shouted as he flipped the switch, revealing they were all in a jungle-like environment. "...the hell?!"
"How'd a jungle get into the basement? How long has this been here?!" Akane questioned, because this was too crazy, even for her.
"Aloha, my keikis, welcome to me office. How you young sistahs and bruddahs likin' de frien'ly Hawaiian atmosphere?" Principal Kuno said, as he sat high in a palm tree.
"You lunatic!" One of the students yelled as he threw a soccer ball at the man.
"Not to mention, all my pets from Hawaii be in dis here room too!" Principal Kuno added. "Play nice widdem, ya hear?"
"What did he mean by pets?" Junichi asked as he suddenly heard growls coming from around them. "...please tell me that noise was someone's stomach."
No one answered as wild animals leapt out of the jungle and surrounded the students. Tigers, gorillas, alligators and such had jumped the students as they screamed in fear.
Akane blocked a punch from a gorilla as she saw shears in its hand. "Barber's shears? They're trying to cut our hair!" she exclaimed as she caught it by the wrist and flipped it over her head. "Paws off, Donkey Kong!"
As the students ran in fear or tried to fight back, Aki looked around and noticed something off. "Has anyone seen Ranma or Kenma?"
"And where's Tsubasa?" asked Ryno.
[COMMERCIAL BREAK!]
Principal Kuno was singing to himself as he strummed a ukulele while sitting in a beach chair. "Oh, dere be plenty more traps, A Wikki Wakki—"
He was interrupted as a kayak and a wave washed onto him and ruined his mojo, as two teens laid on the sand nearby. "Okay, gotta fix de pressure on that wave machine, yeah." he muttered to himself. "Huh, who dat be?"
Lying on the beach nearby was one redheaded girl, and a brunette-haired mermaid [the second was actually Tsubasa wearing a turquoise fish tail and a stuffed blue bra].
"Whoa, you okay dere? Huh, a mermaid too?" Principal Kuno raised an eyebrow seeing both of them together. "Oh wahine, you okay? You both need dem bowl cuts."
Principal Kuno pulled out some shears as he was about ready to cut their hair when he got kicked by the redhead in the face and slapped by the mermaid's tail. "Why do everyone be hittin' me in de face today?"
"Oh, I'm so sorry!" gasped Tsubasa in the most feminine voice he could muster. "I saw your face and thought you were an ugly pirate!"
"Oh, good sir, I've come from another island in search of a special coconut for my ailing father," Ranko pleaded to the Principal.
"It is true," Tsubasa added to the story. "The only cure for her father's ailment is a special coconut with a note in it."
Not far away from the water, Kenma and Junichi were watching. "Are you sure this will work?" Junichi asked.
"It better work," Kenma hoped as it felt like a good idea. "He's crazy enough to believe himself, so why not some story with a Hawaiian spin on it?"
"And if this doesn't work?" Junichi questioned.
"Then we move to Plan B," Kenma stated with confidence.
"Well, that's just fine," nodded Junichi.
Fortunately, Principal Kuno had bought the ridiculous story lock, stock and barrel.
"Ohh, you such a dutiful wahine to be helpin' ya faddah like dis!" he sobbed, wiping his eyes. "Alright, I'm helpin' you both out!"
Ranko and Tsubasa's eyes lit up. "You mean you'll give us the coconut?" they asked.
"No, I mean I go with you to find coconut with pardon inside!" Principal Kuno replied happily.
Ranko and Tsubasa's faces suddenly went pale.
"...you mean you don't know where it is?" Tsubasa asked.
Principal Kuno laughed loudly. "Dumb kahuna me am, I went and forgot where I hid it!" he responded.
'Dumb' doesn't even BEGIN to cover what YOU are… Ranko thought to herself, starting to get exceptionally sick of this man's idiocy.
MEANWHILE, BACK WITH THE GROUP…
"Here we are!" exclaimed Ryno as she and the others were gathered outside a door with a sign made from a giant leaf that read, Headmaster's Room.
"The real Principal's Office!" added Ukyo.
"Be careful," advised Akane as Daisuke opened the door…and out tumbled forty dozen coconuts!
"Coconuts, coconuts, coconuts…" growled Ryunosuke as she picked one up. "Have I mentioned how ABSOLUTELY SICK TO DEATH I AM OF COCONUTS?! I NEVER WANNA SEE ANOTHER OF THESE STUPID, HAIRY LITTLE THINGS AGAIN FOR AS LONG AS I LIVE!"
In a fit of anger, she threw it down…and when it hit the floor—
BOM!
It burst like a balloon, sending out a light shower of confetti.
"That stupid paper could be in any of these!" Ukyo commented.
"We've come too far to turn back now!" responded Akane. "Ryno and I will handle these!"
"Forget it!" Ryno retorted. "What makes you think I want anything to do with these?"
"Pretend they're your dad's head!" replied Akane.
Ryunosuke raised a finger to protest…and found that she had nothing against this idea.
"...alright, you talked me into it," she responded.
So, Akane and Ryunosuke spent the better portion of an hour chopping coconuts in half, two by two.
All the while, Principal Kuno, Ranko, and Tsubasa were watching from a tree.
"Cowabunga! Those wahine be crazy strong!" the principal exclaimed.
Ranko rolled her eyes. As usual, Akane decides to do it the hard way…
Finally, they both came down to one final coconut.
"This has to be the one!" Akane panted, massaging her sore hands and shaking them out.
Raising her arm, she brought it down on the coconut shell…which erupted in a tremendous explosion!
Out of the coconut came more confetti, along with balloons that had been drawn on to look like a boy head with a buzz cut, and a girl head with a bowl cut, and little parachute slips that read "NOPE" and "TOO BAD".
"...it was…a fake…" Akane puttered out. "...there never was a coconut with the pardon, was there? He just set all this up…to get our hopes up…to make us think we had a chance…but we never did…"
"Now we gotta get our heads shaved…" groaned Daisuke.
"And we have to get those icky bowl cuts!" chimed in Sayuri.
"LIKE HELL I WILL!" Ryunosuke declared as she got to her feet. "I've just started growing my hair out, and no ukulele-strumming, surfboarding freak of nature is gonna make ME get a stupid haircut! I already get enough of that crap from my father! We CAN'T give up—he WON'T break us!"
"She's right," said Ukyo. "If we can't find it, then we'll just beat the info outta him!"
Just then, Principal Kuno swung overhead on a vine, laughing his head off as usual.
"Too bad~!" he grinned. "Dis big kahuna be too smart for you!"
He was so busy stewing in his so-called genius that he didn't notice his vine being cut from the top half. But he definitely noticed when he came crashing to the grassy floor and landed right on his face.
"GET 'IM!" Hiroshi yelled.
Within seconds, the entire student body dogpiled on their 'principal' and had used the vines to tie him up.
"Sweet little wahines!" exclaimed Principal Kuno. "How could you doublecross da big kahuna?"
Ranko snorted. "Double-cross?" she asked. "I don't recall ever teaming up with you."
"That's right~!" Tsubasa chimed in as he discarded the fish tail. "You thought I was only a mermaid, but I was a siren, luring you into a trap! Ohohohohoho~!"
Kenma strode out to join them, along with Junichi. "You played your parts magnificently," he informed the two before turning to the principal, who was bound and forced into a prostrate position. "And now…we deal with you."
Principal Kuno started to sweat as the students hooted and hollered, calling for his blood.
"Tell us where the coconut is, or else!" demanded Hiroshi.
"Too bad, keiki, ah don't remembah!" responded Principal Kuno.
"Is that a fact, eh?" asked Ryunosuke. "Then maybe we should help jog your memory."
Kenma turned to Daisuke and Aki. "You, get the slabs ready. And you, get one of your bats," he instructed. "If mister funnyman thinks he can squirm outta this, tap his kneecaps."
Aki nodded before he reached off-screen and pulled over a metal baseball bat.
"Attaboy," said Kenma as Daisuke had a concrete slab ready.
"Okay, mister big kahuna, you want one slab or two?" he asked.
"Oh, wait! I remembah!" exclaimed Principal Kuno. "In de principal office!"
"Which one, asshole?" asked Ryunosuke.
"Dat would be de one with de name on de door!"
Kenma inhaled through his nostrils, and turned to face Aki. "...tap the 'caps," he instructed.
Aki wound up for a swing. "BATTER UP!" he exclaimed, and he brought his bat down on Principal Kuno's left kneecap.
With a sickening THWACK, Principal Kuno screamed in pain.
"You're not leaving until you fess up, y'know," replied Ukyo. "After all, you've still got one undamaged kneecap."
"Da big kahuna need a big office, yeah!" exclaimed the Principal. "So me have one for each day of de week!"
"Which one has the coconut inside?!" Akane spat.
"Why, da biggest one of course," the Principal stated.
"...should we go with the other kneecap or use the concrete slab this time?" Akane asked with a deep glare in her eyes.
"Drop the slab," replied Kenma. "It'll hurt more, especially now that one of his kneecaps is busted."
"Ya know, this will all be over once you tell us where the real coconut is." Aki said.
"Yeah. The next one will break a bone. You'll never walk properly again, or in the worst case scenario, you won't be able to walk at all!" Hiroshi added, while struggling to hold the heavy stone slab.
Then suddenly, Kuno ran in at full speed and started swinging his Bokken wildly.
"YOU DARE TO PUT THE BEAUTIFUL LOCKS OF AKANE TENDO AT RISK?!" he bellowed. "I, TATEWAKI KUNO, SHALL MAKE YOU PAY, DEMON PRINCIPAL!"
Immediately, he began whacking the principal like a piñata, smacking him over and over…until he ended up breaking his ropes.
"YOU IDIOT!" screamed Kenma. "YOU'VE LET HIM ESCAPE!"
"Thanks for breakin' de ropes, mon," the Principal thanked Kuno.
"YOU VILE WRETCH! I SHALL SMITE THEE!" Kuno yelled as he went on to attack the Principal again, only this time the man was prepared.
As he pulled out his sheArs, the Principal countered the bokken strikes with his own. Effectively turning the wooden sword into shreds.
"Dehehe! Looks like your stick is nothin' but kindling for the Tiki torches!" the Principal laughed in joy.
Kuno meanwhile was in a state of shock, not just at his sword's state, but at the technique used. Impossible, that technique…it can't be…
"Th-that technique, how do you know that technique? HOW DO YOU KNOW THE KUNO FAMILY SECRET TECHNIQUE: THE WOODEN SWORD SHREDDER?!"
"Huh? How you know me family name?" Principal Kuno asked Tatewaki Kuno with a head tilt.
The students froze in shock and horror, looking back and forth between the Principal and their upperclassman.
"OH GOOD LORD, THEY'RE RELATED!" Kenma blurted what everyone was thinking at that moment.
"NO!" Kuno bellowed. "THAT'S NOT TRUE…THAT'S IMPOSSIBLE!"
"Course it ain't true!" Principal Kuno retorted. "Me son's name is Tacchi, and he was 14!"
"It's been THREE years, stupid," remarked Ranko.
"And MY HORRIBLE, STUPID, WORTHLESS FATHER looks NOTHING like this!" Tatewaki responded.
"He was in Hawaii," said Junichi. "Mayhaps…he got a tan?"
"T-Tacchi?" Principal Kuno asked as he took his glasses off.
"F-father?" Kuno responded with the same feeling, and they ran towards each other…right before they clashed weapons with one another.
"Woo, dat be very close!" Principal Kuno stated.
"Finally, I can get revenge on you for SHAVING MY HEAD WHILE I SLUMBERED!" Kuno shouted as he glared at his father. "BURN IN HELL, YOU WRETCHED IMBECILE!"
"This is thanks I get for spoiling you rotten?!" shouted Principal Kuno.
"SPOILING ME ROTTEN?!" Tatewaki spat. "YOU DENIED ME FOOD, AND STRUNG ME UP FROM A TREE!"
Ranma and Kenma froze hearing that, having an odd sense of kinship and deja vu between them and Kuno once he shouted that.
"Welcome to the club," shrugged Ryno. "We've got jackets."
"Not my fault you was such a bad little keiki," scoffed Principal Kuno. "All ya needed was to learn proper respect for de big kahuna!"
"Shut your deformed mouth, before I shut it for you!" Tatewaki hissed.
As the father and son battled, Ranma got the group into a huddle. "Alright, this might be a long shot," he whispered. "But I have an idea where the coconut might be."
"Yeah?" asked Junichi. "And where might that be?"
SHORTLY, OUTSIDE THE SCHOOL…
"The gymnasium?!" asked Ryno. "But we were already here this morning!"
"Exactly!" replied Ranma. "What better place to hide it, than right under our noses?"
"You are so smart, y'know that?" asked Uyko.
Ranma chuckled sheepishly. "Oh, well…y'know…" he replied, before he cleared his throat. "Let's go get 'im!"
"HO-YO-YO~!" exclaimed the other students.
And so, they headed into the gymnasium…but when they entered, they found that it was completely redecorated! It was as though it had become a total jungle overnight!
"Whoa…this really puts the 'jungle' in the jungle gym!" commented Kenma.
"Yeah. Where did they get the time to do all this?" Ranma added.
"And how long were we away from the gym?" Junichi added as well.
Ryno counted on her fingers. "...five hours," she replied, before she heard skittering noises. "...did anyone else hear that?"
Suddenly, lobsters began raining from the trees like falling leaves, clicking their claws ferociously.
"Cover your heads!" Tsubasa exclaimed. "They're after our hair!"
Nobody had to be told twice, as they frantically batted at the skittering lobsters. Ryno leapt away from…a particularly large one. In fact, it had a very ugly face as well!
"Wait a minute…DAD?!" she exclaimed.
It was indeed Kaigara Fujinami, dressed in a giant lobster suit with clicking pincers.
"What can I say, Ryunosuke?" he asked. "Your principal and I seem to agree on child-rearing practices! Now be a good boy and get ready for your buzz cut!"
"How 'bout you BUZZ off? I'M A CHICK, DAMMIT!" snapped Ryno.
"Nope, you're my son, and you're going to marry a girl," retorted Kaigara. "Now zip it, and stand still!"
But as he approached Ryno, he found himself being weighed down. Glancing out through the back end, he saw that sitting on his back were Tsubasa and Junichi. And both of them were brandishing weapons.
"Ah, so this is your so-called 'father'?" inquired Junichi.
"In the loosest sense of the word," Ryno nodded. "You two want a whack at 'im?"
"Gladly, Ryno dearest~" Tsubasa purred as he drew out a crossbow, and Junichi took out some of the explosive coconut shells from earlier.
Ryunosuke chuckled to herself as she rolled up her sleeves and cracked her knuckles. "Then this will be THRICE as fun," she declared happily.
The three then lunged at Mr. Fujinami, and then proceeded to beat the living daylights out of him.
"Should we be worried for Ryno, Junichi and Tsubasa?" Aki asked, after using his bat to smack a lobster away.
"Nah, let 'em have this. That man has had this coming to him for a very long time," Kenma said, enjoying this. "And it's a lot like what Genma's got coming to him."
He couldn't help but chuckle wickedly at the thought of giving his father his rightful comeuppance.
It may not be divine punishment, but sometimes one must make their own miracles happen~!
Meanwhile at the Tendo Dojo, at that very moment, Genma had a sudden chill go up his spine.
"Something the matter, Saotome?" Soun asked concernedly.
"I-it's nothing, Tendo…" replied Genma. "...I just got the strangest chill."
Back at the Furinkan High Gymnasium, the students were still making their way through the dense jungle while narrowly avoiding the traps set by Principal Kuno.
"There it is, guys!" exclaimed Kenma, as he pointed at a coconut out in the middle of the gymnasium, in a hut that was made into Principal Kuno's main office space.
As they approached the hut, the group noticed a very ugly bust of Principal Kuno in the room. It was sculpted to be holding a pair of scissors in its visible hand.
"Ugh! Whoever sculpted these must've had a really strong stomach." Ranma observed.
"Anyone who would commission a bust as ugly as this ought to be dragged out into the street and shot," added Kenma.
"Or better yet, drawn and quartered." finished Ranma.
While both boys looked around, they suddenly sensed an energy that was foreign to both of them. Spinning around, all they saw was the same stupid bust, giving that big, dopey smile.
"Well, Ken, looks like we're just kinda jumpy," Ranma told his twin. "Nobody else is here besides that dinky statue!"
"Sure seems that way," agreed Kenma. "Nothing else to do, but go right back to searching!"
And the brothers turned again to resume their search. But just as the 'bust' raised its clippers…
TH-WHAM!
"...NOT!" the twins shouted as they brought their fists down on Principal Kuno's head together. "JUST HOW STUPID DO YOU THINK WE ARE?!"
"That's the oldest and dumbest trick in the book!" Kenma exclaimed as he glared at the principal.
Ranma grabbed the man by his shirt lapel and cracked his knuckles. "Playtime's over, palm-tree-for-brains," he growled. "So cut it out before ya make me really mad."
"But then again, it's probably a little late for that, now isn't it?" chimed in Kenma.
"Why you keikis no lemme help you?" asked Principal Kuno. "Mebbe me even remember where I hide de coconut wit' de pardon note!"
"Oh, maybe you remember?" Ranma retorted, an acidic tone in his voice. "Well, maybe I could just kill you right here and now for wastin' my valuable time, and my brother's time, because frankly, it is exhausting listening to you butcher the Hawaiian language as you beat around the bush."
"And while we're at it, I believe you owe my brother an apology," Kenma chimed in. "Mind if we beat it outta ya?"
"Wait, wait! Lemme tink!" begged Principal Kuno as he reached over to the side and yanked a rope, bringing the coconut with the pardon down on Ranma's head!
KONK!
"OK, me done tinkin'!" guffawed Principal Kuno, now that Ranma was subdued. "Now jus' be holdin' still…what side you wantin' me to cut first?"
"Put the clippers down," hissed Kenma as he cracked his knuckles. "You wanna mess with Ranma? Gotta go through me."
"Hoo-ah-ha-ha-ha-haaa!" Principal Kuno bellowed. "Alright, me no mind one bit! Gonna give dese clippahs a workout by givin' you boys double-buzz cuts!"
But as he got ready to start cutting, Ranma darted and dodged out of the way, even though he was tied up.
Principal Kuno jutted out his arm to start snipping, but Ranma used his feet to grab him, flip him upside down, and smash him right onto the coconut.
"I call that my 'Coconut Crush'," remarked the ponytailed martial artist. "Works real well, especially since you're so hard-headed."
"Dat was very naughty!" chastised the Principal as he shook his head. "You not supposed to be hittin' your headmaster!"
"Sorry, but it was just so darn fun," shrugged Kenma. "Whether it's to watch or to do!"
"Ey mon, you two be givin' me more trouble than that time I ran into dis blue dog over on Kaua'i," remarked Principal Kuno. "Dat suckah could roll into a ball and grow himself an extra set o' arms, too!" [If you get this reference, readers, don't hesitate to inform us in the reviews!]
Ranma blinked. "...what the hell have you been smoking?" he blurted.
"Well, den…how about a pepper balloon?" asked the principal as he pulled out a balloon and burst it in both boys' faces, making them start sneezing.
Luckily for the Principal, he had on a face mask to keep from inhaling the pepper.
"You two little keikis have been very, very naughty today! Makin' all sorts of trouble for your put-upon principal!" he tsk-tsked and wagged his finger. "Forget de buzz cut…fo' dis, me gonna make you BOTH bald!"
This time, before he had a chance to begin, he found himself getting screamed at through a megaphone, which threw his concentration off something fierce.
Turns out it was Akane who was holding the bullhorn.
"If not for you meddlin' keikis, me woulda—" started the disoriented principal before Akane cut him off.
"Woulda, shoulda, coulda…all it means is that you didn't," retorted the dark-blue-haired girl. "Just give it up, Principal. You're surrounded."
"Look!" exclaimed Hiroshi. "There's the stupid coconut!"
All at once, everyone came running for the coconut…before the principal hit it with a baseball bat and sent it flying away.
"It's a lo-o-ong fly ball!" he exclaimed.
...only to blanch when Kenma leapt through the air, caught the coconut in his hands, and returned to where he had previously been standing.
"How can one keiki be movin' so fast?!" blurted the Principal.
"Push-ups, sit-ups, and plenty of juice!" Kenma replied as he clasped the coconut with both hands, and squeezed until it broke, freeing the paper attached to its side.
"Well, would you look at that," Aki stated as he held his metal bat at his shoulder. "Looks like we got the paper, which means no bowl cuts or buzz cuts for anyone!"
"YEAH! YEAH!" cheered the students.
"OK, okay, me know when me been licked," replied Principal Kuno. "You keeds have no spirit; I only wanted you keikis to have big fun in de school, like me do! So I make big trouble to stir you up, motivate you!"
"Your kind of motivation we don't need," retorted Ryunosuke, as she, Tsubasa, and Junichi were carrying around Mr. Fujinami's broken, battered body, now without the lobster costume.
The principal bawled into his arms. "Me just tryin' to help de keikis have a leetle fun…" he sobbed.
"Alright, we forgive you," Akane spoke up.
...only to be met with a resounding, "LIKE HELL WE DO!" from the majority of the student body, as they gave Akane a 'What the hell' look and glared at her.
"...okay, I forgive you," clarified Akane. "Just stop crying, alright?"
Principal Kuno lifted his head. "What about dese two keiki?" he asked. "Dey forgive me?"
Akane looked at Ranma and Kenma. "So, whaddya say?" she asked. "Do you forgive him?"
"HA!" Ranma guffawed. "...no."
"He can take his forgiveness and cram it up his ass," added Kenma.
"Oh, mahalo!" gushed Principal Kuno as he climbed up onto his desk. "Me was so wrong when me called you all de 'bad keiki'! And cuz me feelin' so good, gonna give you all de NEW present, yah!"
A synchronized chill went up the spines of the entire student body the moment they heard that.
"I'm very skeptical about this gift," Tsubasa stated.
"A new gift coming from the crazy man who threw bombs, animals, teachers in costumes, and whatnot at us all day? The feeling's mutual," Kenma pointed out.
"Get ready for de BEEG fun!" Principal Kuno declared as he yanked another rope that unfurled a tarp.
...
Several seconds later, the entire student body, as well as the school staff, were watching as Ranma and Kenma tore ass after the fleeing Principal Kuno—with Kenma brandishing a fireman's ax over his head.
"GET BACK HERE, YOU BASTARD!" Kenma shouted, his irises glowing red while his sclera were completely yellow. "YOU WANT A CUT?! I GOT'CHER STINKIN' 'CUT' RIGHT HERE! KYA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HAAAA!"
Ranma was right behind, running on all fours, while howling as loudly as he could. "AR-AR-AROOOOOOO~!" he bayed.
"Mebbe me should bring gifts more often!" grinned Principal Kuno as he kept on running, because he knew what would happen should he slow down.
The group glanced down at them, then back over to the so-called 'present' from the Principal: a diagram showing that all boys would have to get topknot haircuts, and all girls would have to get geisha haircuts. Basically, feudal-era hairstyles. Talk about "out of date"!
"After a day like today, who wouldn't go ballistic?" asked Ukyo.
"And until the superintendent finds out, we gotta deal with this shit every weekday," commented Ryunosuke.
"When exactly is the superintendent gonna come around?" Akane asked in genuine curiosity.
"No idea…God, and I thought this school was hell before!" Junichi stated, with that sudden realization hitting him in the face.
"Maybe so," said Tsubasa as he put an arm around his shoulder. "But even when things are at their most hellish, you can always find a little heaven."
Junichi looked over at the long-haired boy and smiled.
"When you're right…boy, are you ever right," he replied.
"Oh, stop," Tsubasa smirked. "...but not for a few more minutes, at least."
EPILOGUE
LATER, AFTER SCHOOL LET OUT…
Following the day's bizarre chain of events, as well as the shocking revelation of his supposedly estranged father [who really put the "strange" in "estranged", come to think of it], Tatewaki Kuno was in a rarely experienced state of mind for one like himself—a state of quiet contemplation, as his manservant Sasuke took him home via rickshaw.
Kuno couldn't help thinking and shuddering at the thought of how he might have turned out, had his father been present throughout his whole life up to this point.
"...Sasuke?" he finally spoke up as they came to a stop light.
"Yes, Master Kuno? Do you wish for me to go faster, or make a stop to pick something up for you?" Sasuke asked his charge.
"...no, that won't be necessary," replied the upperclassman. "Today's events were—shall we say, informative—and they've made me realize something."
"What would that be, sir?" inquired Sasuke.
Kuno exhaled, before he replied. "...while I don't say it often, I do appreciate you," he said. "Today, I've been reacquainted with what my father was like, and considering how life was like when he was around, I'm glad I had you to raise me. I know I haven't exactly been the most considerate charge, but I feel that with your guiding hand, I have at least a slim chance to make something respectable of myself when I leave Furinkan High."
Sasuke's eyes grew teary at this declaration, and his lips quivered with joy. "Oh, Master Kuno, that may very well be the sweetest thing you've ever said to me!" he exclaimed. "I'm happy that you view me in such a light!"
"Indeed; however," Kuno stated as he gave Sasuke a stern look. "Should you ever repeat a word of this to anyone else, or, God forbid, to my dear twisted sister… I shall deny it forthwith."
Sasuke gave a small smile in response. "Worry not, Master Kuno," he replied. "Your secret is safe with me."
Yeah. I bet none of you expected us to give Mister Blue Thunder of Furinkan High, Tatewaki Kuno, age 17, any character development, eh? Well, life's full of surprises.
And you can expect to see him get some more as we go on. But not all at once, naturally.
Bit by bit. It'll be a gradual process.
Next up, another chapter for Nihao, My Concubine.
Until then, see ya later, and don't forget to read, review, follow, and share these fics with your friends, okay?