Title: "The Stillness Disintegration" - Chapter One
Author's Note: This story was heavily inspired by the 1994 Reba McEntire song, "And Still." Old school Reba - the country music of my childhood. :)
This is another break-up fic. For the sake of this story, we are saying that Sheldon and Amy broke up in September 2015. (I never know whether their anniversary is in May or September.) This story takes place one year later, except... with a twist. The last episode of canon would be 9x08 - "The Mystery Date Observation." Everything after that didn't happen in this world.
I will be time hopping around a little bit. I will try to date the top of each section so you know what the time frame is. I hope you enjoy the story!
P.S. l will be finishing "The Neurobiologist's Evanescence." I have had a lot going on— which I'll explain in the next chapter, because this intro is already getting way too long!
October 2016
Dr. Amy Farrah Fowler stood in the science section at Barnes & Noble, rifling through the biology books, looking at the latest releases to see if there was anything interesting she would like to pick up. She held the latest book of one of her favorite fiction series' in her arms. It's why she had come to the bookstore— the newest book had just been released the previous weekend and she was excited to lose herself in the continuation of the story.
She picked up a book on addiction that looked intriguing, flipping it over to peruse the back cover. Lost in her own little world, she suddenly heard, "Amy?"
Instantly, a chill ran down her spine and she froze, the world going still around her. The voice calling her name was familiar. Too familiar, despite the fact that she hadn't heard it in almost a year.
The only sound she could hear was her heartbeat thundering in her ears. There was nowhere to run, nowhere to hide.
"Is that you?"
In her shocked state, she realized that she hadn't acknowledged the person behind the voice and must look ridiculous. Her cheeks flushed as she finally glanced up at the man the voice belonged to— Dr. Sheldon Cooper. Her ex-boyfriend.
"Sheldon. Hello," she managed to get out, her voice hoarse and strained. She lifted her fist to her mouth and cleared her throat quickly.
He smiled, his eyes lighting up upon seeing her face.
"It's good to see you. How have you been?" He stepped up in front of her, a wide smile on his face.
Her stomach swooped. He was close enough to touch, breathing the same air as her. She nearly choked when the faint scent of talc filled her nose. She squeezed her trembling hands tightly into fists so she wouldn't reach for him, wouldn't collapse against his chest and beg for forgiveness.
There were thousands of people in Pasadena and it was just her luck that she would run into him. And he looked good. Too good, she thought, her chest throbbing with pain. He was maybe a little thinner than the last time she had seen him, during that fateful conversation in the hallway of his apartment building when he'd told her he was trying to move on. Otherwise, he looked... happy. Healthy. Like his usual self.
Meanwhile, she knew she looked like a ghost of her former self. She'd lost a significant amount of weight and her skin looked pale and sallow every morning when she met her own haunted gaze in the mirror. The dark circles under her eyes taunted her and her lack of sleep. She hadn't taken to her new life very well, but it didn't seem like he noticed, from the look on his face. He appeared genuinely pleased to see her.
"I'm great!" She lied, her voice louder than she'd intended it to be. "I'm doing fine, I mean," she said, lowering her voice to a normal volume. She chuckled awkwardly. "How are you?"
"Good," Sheldon replied and his smile grew. "Better now. I was just thinking about you— I wondered how you've been. You went back to UCLA, didn't you?"
"Yeah." She nodded. She didn't know what else to say. She hadn't been prepared to run into him. It hurt. "You're still at Caltech, I presume," she said with a soft smile.
He nodded. "Yes." He proceeded to tell her about his latest research, though it didn't seem like he'd made much progress in the last year. She nodded along to his words, barely listening, as she was still trying to get her body under control. Her heart was pounding, she was nauseous, her palms were sweaty, and her face was hot. Her brain wasn't working— she couldn't think, try as she might to come up with an excuse for why she needed to bolt out of there like a bat out of hell.
"So... Penny told me you moved to a new apartment."
The abrupt change in topics had her bringing her attention back to him. She felt her cheeks warm even further and she nodded. "I did."
He swallowed, studying her. The moment of silence was painfully awkward. She didn't think it would be wise to tell him that she'd moved because she didn't need to be close to him anymore, didn't need to drive him around all the time, didn't need to be close to the bus stop for him to come see her when he didn't have anyone to drive him. The thought sent another fissure of pain cracking through her chest. She squeezed the books in her arms closer to her chest, holding them like some sort of armor, trying to hold the pain back from spilling on the floor at his feet.
"Where to?" He finally asked. She could see the curiosity in his eyes and was surprised Penny hadn't told him.
"Oh, just a few blocks closer to UCLA... on Sycamore Avenue. It's a little bigger, newer. It's nice. I like it." She swallowed. Her mouth was so dry. She tried licking her lips but there was no moisture to wet them. That didn't stop Sheldon's gaze from briefly flicking to her mouth, then just as quickly back up to her eyes. She looked away, desperately trying to think of an excuse for why she needed to leave. Nothing was coming to her panicked brain, though.
"How are the guys?" She finally asked, turning back to look at him. "It's been awhile since I've seen them." She shrugged, trying to act nonchalant, but the truth was, that hurt, too. She missed all of them; missed being a part of the group. It wasn't fair.
She looked down at the floor, blinking her eyes rapidly to clear the tears that had suddenly pooled there. Get it together, Fowler! She thought silently to herself.
"Oh, they're fine," he said and waved his hand dismissively. "Annoying as usual. Nothing new to report there."
Amy nodded and started to reply when she noticed movement out of the corner of her eye. She turned her head to see a tall, beautiful blonde approaching them. The woman sidled up to Sheldon and touched his forearm briefly.
Amy realized suddenly who she must be and once again, the world stood still around her. She couldn't move; she was paralyzed in shock. Her vision wavered, going black around the edges, and she briefly wondered if she could pass out from a broken heart.
Suddenly, the room roared back to life around her and she swore she could hear every noise in the building; a man coughing several yards away, the turning of pages as people flipped through books, a child whining off in the distance. The thump of her heartbeat in her ears, accompanied by the feel of her pulse all throughout her body. She swayed slightly, feeling woozy.
Sheldon cleared his throat. "This is my girlfriend, Dr. Vanessa Bennett," he said and Amy turned to him with a blank expression on her face. "Vanessa, this is my friend, Amy Farrah Fowler."
Friend. Whatever last vestiges of hope Amy had secretly hidden away deep inside of her suddenly vanished into thin air, taking her oxygen with it. She couldn't breathe. She wanted to turn around and race out of there, but she held on, digging deep down to find the last thread of her strength.
She plastered a big, bright, fake smile onto her face. "Hello," she said, amazed that her voice was clear and steady.
"Hi! This is your ex, right?" Vanessa asked, turning towards Sheldon.
He nodded, his eyes flicking awkwardly towards Amy quickly, then back. He cleared his throat again. "Yes."
Vanessa turned back to Amy with a smile, then held out her hand. "It's so nice to meet you. I've heard a lot about you," she said.
Numbly, Amy took her hand and shook it, hoping the other woman wouldn't notice her sweaty palms. "All good things, I hope," she said quietly, forcing another smile.
"Oh, of course!" Vanessa said. "All of Sheldon's friends speak very highly of you."
Amy nodded slightly, feeling a warm sensation in her chest. "That's nice to hear."
"And you know, I just have to say thank you," Vanessa said enthusiastically.
Amy's brows furrowed in confusion. "Thank me? For what?"
"For passing up this wonderful guy here," Vanessa replied and bumped her shoulder against Sheldon's. Her smile was wide and happy. "He's quite the catch. I never knew men like him existed out there."
Amy's eyes moved to Sheldon's face. He was blushing and looking down at his shoes. She smiled, feeling more tears sting the back of her eyes. She mentally shoved them back. There was no way she was going to humiliate herself in front of this woman, his new woman, by bursting into tears. No matter how much she wanted to.
"Yes," she finally answered, looking back at the gorgeous woman. "You're a lucky lady."
Amy missed the look of confusion on Sheldon's face as he contemplated her words.
"Don't I know it?" Vanessa exclaimed with sparkling eyes.
Amy grit her teeth together and looked back at her ex. He was staring at her, slightly grey in the face, and she could see sweat on his brow. She was about to put him out of his misery and tell them she had to go, but Vanessa beat her to the punch.
"Well, Shelly, are you ready to go? I have that lecture early in the morning."
He nodded. "Yes, of course." He looked back at Amy and smiled. "It was good to see you, Amy."
Shelly. She wanted to roll her eyes, or gag, maybe; she wasn't sure. Instead, she nodded politely and forced herself to smile yet again.
"It was good to see you, too. Have a nice evening." She dipped her head in goodbye. Sheldon lifted his hand in a slight wave as the two of them headed for the exit.
Amy watched them go, frozen in place. Her heart ached; the pain from seeing him after such a long time was almost too much for her to bear. She swallowed back fresh tears, wondering if he would ever know how much she loved him still. How much she hated herself for breaking up with him in the first place. She had quickly learned that being without him was much worse than being in a relationship where she felt unsure of herself or her role in his life. She had thought she needed the break, needed to find herself in their relationship.
What she knew now, was that being alone was much, much worse.
She had been alone before she met him, but it was extremely different this time around. Now she knew what she was missing. She knew what it was like to have a boyfriend, a man who loved her. She knew what it was like to have friends, to be a part of a group. And to have that all ripped away from her, by her own hands… was traumatic, to say the least.
She watched as Vanessa slipped her hand into Sheldon's after they walked outside. A stabbing pain settled low in Amy's stomach and she turned away, no longer able to watch them leave. They hadn't been together for a full year yet, and they were already holding hands. Maybe she had just been the training wheels for Sheldon. He had learned how to be in a relationship by practicing with her, and now he was applying his education to a new relationship with a new woman.
The thought nearly brought her to knees— that all of those years, all of that time spent yearning for any scrap of physical affection from him, had all just been a prelude for him. All she had done was teach him how to be a boyfriend.
Amy wondered if he kissed Vanessa. She wondered if they had slept together. The thought sent another stabbing pain through her and she nearly had to gasp for breath.
A tear slid down her cheek and she turned to the shelves, dumping the two books in her hands, before reaching up to wipe at the wetness on her face. She quickly scurried away, head down, going the opposite direction to the other exit, where she had luckily parked her car.
She needed to get home before she completely lost it.
Less than thirty minutes later, Amy unlocked her apartment door and stepped inside, quickly shutting the door and leaning up against it. Her face scrunched up and tears immediately began to fall down her cheeks. She slid to the floor, pulling her knees up to her chest and wrapping her arms around them. She dropped her head onto her arms and sobbed, letting all of the emotions and heartache spill out.
Moments later, she felt something silky and soft rub up against her forearm. She opened her tear-filled eyes and looked down at the chunky, long-haired tabby cat rubbing his face against her. He chirped at her in greeting.
"Oh, Murphy," she murmured, as she unfolded her body, just to cross her legs in front of her— her feet tucked up under her thighs, knees pointing outwards. The fluffy cat wasted no time climbing into her lap, turning in a circle, then curling up with one front paw resting against her thigh. She scratched his white chin with one hand and stroked down his silky back with the other.
"I saw Sheldon this evening," she murmured quietly to him. "It was awful." She sobbed again, her chin dropping to her chest. The cat rubbed his face against her thigh. "He had his girlfriend with him." Another sob. "She's beautiful." Sob. "And tall. And blonde." Sob. "And nice." Sob. "I hate her."
Murphy purred loudly and tapped her with his one white paw. She let out a strangled chuckle, sniffling loudly, as she put her hands back on the cat to stroke him softly.
"I couldn't even buy my book. I was too shaken up." She let out a ragged sigh. "I guess I'll just order it online."
Meow.
"Yeah. I hear ya. The floor isn't very comfortable. Come on. Let's get you some dinner."
At the word "dinner," the cat immediately hopped up and strolled towards the kitchen. Amy followed him, grabbing a can of wet cat food. She dumped it into his food dish, then rinsed the can and threw it into her recycling bin. She turned to look at Murphy, who was purring up a storm as he scarfed down his food. Amy bent down and stroked her hand along his spine. "You're such a smart boy, aren't you?" She murmured. "And a good kitty." She gave him one last pet, then stood up and headed to her bedroom.
She quickly changed into a nightgown, then moved back to the living room to curl up on the couch. She grabbed the throw blanket from the back of the sofa and wrapped it around herself, before leaning against the back of the couch. She tucked her bare feet down into the cushions, then let out a long, loud sigh. Her throat seized up at the end and once again, tears came to her.
She leaned her cheek against the couch and let them fall. Let herself feel. Let herself grieve.
Suddenly, a thought occurred to her, and she quickly did some math in her head. She gasped aloud when she realized that it had been exactly one year ago today since she had last seen Sheldon. Her tears increased and she let out a strangled sob. What were the chances of that? She wondered hopelessly. What a sick twist of fate.
Murphy jumped up onto the couch, sliding against Amy's hip and thigh. She laid her hand on his head and he curled into her. "All done eating?" She asked him quietly, then she reached down and picked him up, pulling him up to her chest. She leaned back, so he could lay down across her. He purred as she pet him and for the millionth time since she'd adopted him, she thought that it was the best decision she had made in the last year.
He had become her constant companion. He was a great comfort to her and she didn't know what she would have done without him over the last nine months since she'd rescued him.
Shortly after Penny had told her about… Vanessa, Amy had decided that she needed to go back to UCLA, to decrease her chances of running into Sheldon on campus. She still had her contract with UCLA, they had just loaned her out to Caltech to work on a specific project. She had almost finished it up and her fellow neurobiologists at Caltech could wrap it up without her. So she had run; gone back to UCLA, away from Caltech, away from Sheldon.
Despite the move back to her old workplace, it still hadn't felt like enough. She had needed more change. So she had decided to move apartments. Sheldon didn't need her close to him anymore and she wanted to get further from him, if possible. She had tried to move to the other side of town, but the available apartments were smaller and older than the one she already had. And then she had fallen in love with her current apartment. It was white and bright and clean and felt like a fresh start. Exactly what she needed. So she had scooped it up, then kept herself busy packing up her old apartment. She'd hired some movers and made the change.
Once she had settled in, unpacked all of her things, and meticulously decorated her new apartment, she had sat down on her couch and had another breakdown. It was too quiet. She was lonely. Now that she didn't have to pack or decorate anymore, she was left alone with her thoughts. And being inside of her head was not a great place to be.
So one day she'd wandered into the local humane society, just to look. She hadn't planned on coming home with any pets that day, but after taking one look at Murphy and hearing his story, she had fallen in love. After one interaction with him, she had discovered he was a total love bug and Amy's fate was sealed. They needed each other.
Murphy was at the shelter because his previous owner, Mabel, was elderly and had to move into a nursing home. She had stayed home for longer than she should have, so she could be with Murphy, but then she had fallen and broken her hip. She had to go to a rehab facility and then a nursing home. She didn't have much family, so there was no one to take him.
His intake form at the shelter had Mabel's contact information, in hopes that the new adopter would keep her up to date on his well-being. Amy had enthusiastically agreed to update Mabel. She stayed in touch with Mabel via e-mail and an unlikely friendship had blossomed between them. Amy regaled the older woman with stories of Murphy's antics and frequently sent pictures of him to Mabel. Amy had even taken Murphy to see Mabel shortly after she had adopted him. It had been a happy day for all three of them. They had been back to visit her on a near monthly basis.
She and Mabel had taken to talking about their lives. She told Mabel all about her break up with Sheldon, about her work, and her loneliness. Mabel told her stories from her past and gave Amy advice on what to do about Sheldon. She had also discussed her own loneliness with Amy.
Amy liked to think they were helping each other. Mabel was a good friend to her now and she hoped that she was helping Mabel stay positive and giving her something to look forward to with her e-mails and pictures of Murphy.
Yes. Adopting Murphy had been the very best thing she had done over the last year.
She scratched his chin and smiled at him. "I think we need to go visit Mabel again soon, don't you think, Murph? I know she misses you." Murphy purred. "Who wouldn't? You're the very best boy. Yes, you are," she crooned to the cat. His purring grew louder. Amy chuckled.
"You know who would love you?" Amy whispered, growing somber again. "Yeah... Sheldon would."
Amy sighed heavily, her eyes burning from all the crying. She was annoyed with herself, annoyed that she let him get under her skin like that, after so much time. They had broken up over a year ago and he had been dating Vanessa for eleven months. It was time for Amy to get over him, to move on, the way he had moved on from her.
Unfortunately, in the deepest, darkest part of her, Amy knew she would never be over him. She had tried dating again, shortly after they broke up. She had even gone on three dates with that Dave guy. He was a nice man, but all he wanted to talk about was Sheldon and she hadn't been able to stand it.
She hadn't tried dating anymore after that, because she knew, deep down, that it was pointless. There would never be another man for her, like Sheldon. But maybe she should try again. The thought left her feeling breathless, her stomach churning with nerves.
No, she wasn't ready. Not yet. She didn't know if she ever would be. She'd probably still be pining after him when she was eighty.
She frowned and thought back to her conversation in the hallway with Sheldon, exactly one year ago, when he had told her he had asked out two women in an attempt to move on from her. His words had pierced her heart like an arrow and she'd barely been able to hold herself together. Never in a million years had she thought he would try to date someone else. He had barely wanted to date her; why the hell did he want to try his hand at another relationship? He had spent his entire life happily alone until Amy had come along. And here she had just been an awakening for him, the realization that he did want a romantic relationship after all.
Just not with her.
Amy sobbed, burying her face in Murphy's fur. She remembered so clearly when Penny had told her about Vanessa. Amy had thought she might die from a broken heart that day. Her whole world had crashed down around her and she still hadn't recovered.
November 2015
Amy sat down on the couch in Penny's apartment with an "oomph" and a giggle. She leaned heavily against Bernadette on accident, bobbling her glass of wine. Bernie shrieked and they laughed, pleasantly buzzing from the alcohol.
"That was close, Amy!"
"Whew. I'm so glad I didn't spill my wine on you."
"Tell me about it! I would never get that out of this white sweater," Bernadette replied.
Penny walked out of the kitchen, holding a fresh glass of wine. She sat next to Amy and glanced at Bernadette, raising one eyebrow in question. Bernadette shrugged and Amy's brows furrowed.
"What's going on?"
"Nothing!" Bernadette squeaked immediately.
Penny cleared her throat. Amy frowned. "I might be tipsy, but I'm not that far gone. What was that look you two just shared?"
"We have something to tell you," Penny said quietly.
"Uh-oh," Amy said warily and leaned forward to set her drink down on the coffee table. "What's up?"
Penny sighed heavily, took a big gulp of her wine, then set it on the table beside Amy's. "So... The other day, Sheldon invited Howard and Raj over to..."
"Help him with something," Bernadette supplied when Penny trailed off.
Amy's stomach swooped. So this was about Sheldon. Her heart ached in her chest. She could tell this was not going to be pleasant. Her buzz quickly dissipated.
"Yeah..." Penny trailed off.
"Do you remember how you and Sheldon met? How Howie and Raj set him up on that dating website and you matched?" Bernadette asked.
"Yes..." Amy looked at her blonde friend with raised eyebrows. "Of course I remem—" Then it hit her. He had called the guys over to... help him set up a dating profile? "Just tell me!" Amy exclaimed.
"Well, they made up some stupid puzzle game," Penny said.
"Yeah, almost like a scavenger hunt," Bernadette said.
"Then they posted it on Craig's List."
Amy frowned, her brows deeply furrowed in confusion. "Okay? What's the big deal? I don't get it."
"The puzzles were... a test, I guess you could say. If you passed the test, you got Sheldon's address."
"What? Why?"
"Whoever showed up at his doorstep by the required time... would win a date with Sheldon..." Penny replied.
"What?" Amy gasped. Her stomach twisted into knots.
Her friends were silent for a few moments before Bernadette found the courage to continue. "One woman showed up."
The knots in Amy's stomach twisted tighter. She felt like she was going to be sick. "And?" Amy asked breathlessly.
"Well..." Penny swallowed nervously. "Sheldon asked her out on a date."
"Yeah, and they've gone out twice now," Bernadette said quickly, rushing to get out the last bit of information.
Amy's vision wavered and a roaring sound filled her ears. Her face was pale, her palms were sweaty, and she thought she might pass out, right there on the couch. "Oh," she finally whispered.
"We figured it would be best for us to tell you... that you didn't hear it some other way..." Penny said.
"Oh," Amy repeated.
"Are you okay, Ames?" Bernie asked.
Amy swallowed and shook her head no, but said, "Yes, of course. It's fine. I'm fine."
"Amy..."
"We broke up. I broke up with him. He's allowed to date other women," she said, trying to convince herself more than them. Her voice shook and her hands trembled.
Penny reached out, taking the hand closest to hers. "It's okay if you're not okay," she said.
"No, no... Like I said... I'm fine. I just..." Amy stood up and began to pace around the room. "I'm just surprised, that's all." She forced a smile onto her face. "I didn't think he would ever date anyone else, I mean, it took years for him to ask me out. I guess I thought I was... special, somehow." Her chin trembled.
"Oh, Ames, you are special," Penny offered.
"Mm." Amy nodded with pursed lips. "It sure doesn't seem like it now, does it?" She didn't wait for a response. "Who is she? What's her name?"
"Her name is Vanessa. She's some kind of scientist, too," Penny replied.
"She's a biochemist," Bernadette supplied.
Amy's heart clenched and she gripped the back of the couch. Another scientist. Of course. "Okay." She licked her dry lips. "Okay, well... Good for him." She nodded firmly.
"Amy—"
"No. He's allowed to move on. So can I." She squared her shoulders, knowing she was lying, but she wanted to put up a strong front for the girls. She walked back around to the front of the couch and sat between the blondes again. She picked up her wine and downed it in one long swig.
"Are you going to see Dave again?" Penny asked.
Amy shrugged. "Maybe," she lied. She wasn't planning on it. She didn't want to. But maybe she should. "Or maybe I'll try another dating website," she said flippantly.
"We can help you with your profile, if you want," Bernadette offered.
"Ooh, yeah, that could be fun!" Penny exclaimed.
"Hmm. I'll think about it," Amy replied nonchalantly. Then she stood up to go get more wine. She was going to need it. Lots and lots of it.
October 2016
Amy never had created another dating profile. After she'd taken an Uber home from Girl's Night, she'd put her drunk self to bed and woke up the next morning with a killer headache. She had nursed her hangover all day, in between bouts of uncontrollable sobbing.
Sheldon had moved on. Just a few weeks later, Penny had gently let her know that Vanessa had asked Sheldon to be her boyfriend and he had accepted.
It had crushed Amy. By then, she had realized that breaking up with him had been a huge mistake. She had never actually wanted to break up with him, anyway. She'd just wanted some space and some time, but he wouldn't give it to her. Like always, he was selfish, and he had forced her hand. She had already been on her way back to figuring out how to reconcile with him, when Penny and Bernadette had told her about Vanessa. After that, she had given up.
It was too late. She had missed her chance.
She still loved him, terribly so. Back then, a year ago, and still now. She knew that she would never love another person the way she loved him. She didn't really believe in soulmates, but she knew there would never be another man so well suited for her, as he was. And she was still learning to live with that.
Amy stroked her hand down Murphy's back. He had fallen asleep curled up on her chest. She wanted to get up, go to bed, but his weight and his warmth were so comforting to her. The only comfort she had in her life these days. She softly scratched his head, between his ears, and he started purring in his sleep. He adjusted himself, rolling over slightly and stretching out his front paws. Amy smiled and waited for him to settle, before she gently started petting him again.
She sighed heavily, then whispered, "Oh, Murph, what am I going to do?"
End Note: This story is going to be five chapters long. I am almost done writing the last chapter. I figured I would go ahead and start posting since I'm nearly finished and posting will motivate me to finish it up. I plan to post every 3-4 days or so. And don't worry, I'm a Shamy fan, through and through. You will never read a story of mine where they don't end up together. :)
Oh, and Murphy's name... I didn't say this anywhere in the story, but I'm going with Amy kept the name that Mabel had given him. I struggled to come up with an Amy-related name and then when I brought Mabel into the storyline, I realized she would have already named the cat, so I just picked a name I thought suited him. :)